Chapter 8- Father Figure

The next day, Harry found himself desperately trying to pay attention in his classes, but his mind seemed as if it were on some continuous loop. There seemed to be no end to the number of times he replayed the dreams over and over in his mind trying to make sense of them. Knowing that the answers behind these intriguing nightmares may lie within the pages of Sirius's journal, he couldn't wait until he had some time alone again to peruse the messy scrawl of his late godfather.

"Harry!" a voice called to him.

"Huh? What?" he said numbly as he came out of his dreamlike trance. He had to stop zoning out like this or he would never get anything done.

"Professor Lupin dismissed our class already," said Hermione who was standing beside Ron.

"What? Oh… right, sorry," said Harry as he gathered up his things. He began to stand up when a movement caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. He blushed with embarrassment when he realized that Professor Lupin had heard their entire conversation and was walking towards them. He knew that Remus had caught him not paying attention again, and he hoped that he wouldn't be reprimanded for his negligence.

"Do you mind sticking around Harry?" asked Remus.

"Yeah, sure, no problem. I will catch up with you guys later," said Harry as he resumed his seat.

"See ya later mate," called Ron as he led Hermione out of the classroom.

Remus sat on top of the desk in front of Harry's so that his feet rested on the attached chair. He placed his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands together firmly. He then leaned forward slightly and said, "So tell me how you are doing?"

"I'm fine," said Harry without expression. He looked up into the older man's eyes hoping that he would not catch his lie.

"We both know that that is not true. Snape may not have informed the headmaster about your little incident last night, but he did feel that it was important to tell me."

Harry opened and closed his mouth trying to form some type of explanation, but no words came. He crossed his arms tightly and looked away in frustration. He felt like he had been betrayed. He should have known better than to think that Snape could be trusted.

"We are all very worried about you. You have been through quite an ordeal this year and it's only natural that you would still be struggling with some things."

"I am fine really…" Harry tried to explain as he looked back at his professor, but Remus cut him off.

"Don't try to insult my intelligence by trying to insinuate that you are in any way fine. People who are fine do not need to steal dreamless sleep potions in order to sleep at night," he snapped.

Harry looked away again and bit his lip in frustration. Why was everyone always trying to meddle in his business? Why can't anyone leave him be?

Remus sighed deeply and looked like he was trying to start over. "Listen, I'm sorry for snapping at you, but I think you and I need to have a good talk. We haven't been talking as much lately and I would really enjoy your company. What do you say to coming to my rooms tonight after your detention with Snape for a late night tea?"

"I don't know…" Harry began.

"C'mon… I would love to have you. I never have company. Besides, the tea I am preparing has some calming properties that may help you sleep."

"Alright, I guess so," said Harry slowly. The idea of taking a tea to help him sleep did sound somewhat appealing.

"Good, so I will see you tonight then, around 9 o'clock?"

"Sure."

Remus gave the small boy directions to his private rooms and silently prayed that he would show up tonight. He had been preparing for their "talk" for quite a while now and he had to handle everything pretty delicately or he would lose Harry's trust forever.

After attending the first of many detentions with Professor Snape, Harry found himself walking towards Professor Lupin's private rooms. He climbed the numerous staircases until he found himself on the fourth floor above the main lobby. He walked along the dimly lit corridor until he reached his destination.

Harry was curious about Remus's living quarters as he had yet to see them. He usually spent time with his father's friend after class or on the grounds surrounding Hogwarts. It never occurred to him to visit him in his private rooms. After much contemplation he decided that talking to Remus may be a good thing. He was grateful for the invitation as the man brought him comfort in a way similar to how Sirius had comforted him when he had been alive.

With a heavy sigh, Harry knocked softly on the small wooden door and waited. After a moment or so, he knocked again since the professor had yet to answer the door. Still, there was no reply. Harry began to wonder if maybe Remus had forgotten or perhaps he had mistakenly come at the wrong time. He thought back to their conversation and he could distinctly remember the professor saying this exact time.

He leaned against the stone wall and raked his messy mop of hair with his hand. Should he wait outside for him or perhaps come back at another time? Harry couldn't decide, so on a whim he tried the handle on the door and felt it click open. The door was unlocked! He pulled the door ajar and peered inside, but there was still no sign of Remus. Not knowing what else to do, Harry walked inside the professor's private rooms and quietly closed the door behind him.

Part of him felt like he was intruding in Remus's space, but he had invited him here and Harry believed that the man would not be upset if he had found him in his rooms. He smiled as he walked around the main living area as it reminded him completely of Remus. The layout of the room was fairly simple, a cluster of chairs and a couch near the fireplace and a small desk near the window. A door, which must lead to his private bedroom and bathroom, was on the far wall across from the fireplace. The perimeter of the room was covered in various book shelves of many styles and shapes. The furniture was made of a deep mahogany wood and upholstered in muted shades of brown and grey. The walls had been painted in a deep tan. The colors did not match all that well, but somehow it suited Remus completely; nothing extraordinary, just comfortable and simple.

As Harry walked around he noticed that there were a few photos atop the book shelves. He had seen many of them before because Sirius had similar photos at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. There were some pictures of Remus when he was young with two older adults, which Harry assumed may be his parents. There were pictures of Harry's mother and father on their wedding day. There were some of himself as a baby and some of him here at Hogwarts. There were also of course pictures that were taken during the days of the Marauders. Harry wasn't surprised to see that Remus hadn't cut Peter Pettigrew's face out them. He knew from Sirius that they had fond memories of that time, even if Peter did betray his family later. Still, seeing Peter's face was enough to cause Harry's stomach to turn queasy. He decided to move on in his exploration of the room.

He was utterly surprised at what he found when he came upon Remus's rather messy desk. There were several psychology books with titles like Overcoming Trauma and A Collection of Case Studies Involving Abused Children. The books appeared to be written by both muggle and wizard authors. Some of the books were facing down with their pages open. Others had pages that were dog eared at the corners and some were bookmarked using sticky notes, a muggle invention. There were also various pieces of parchment that Remus had apparently used to scribble down information, but Harry couldn't make out the hasty scrawl. But what shocked Harry to the very core was the folder that had been left open on the desk.

He leafed through the contents and could feel himself begin to physically shake at the realization of what he was seeing. Contained within the file were pictures of Harry the day after he came to the Burrow last summer. Madame Pomfrey had insisted upon documenting the abuse caused by his uncle for her records. It was disturbing in the fact that people in wizard photos could move, so it was as if Harry was watching himself in real time. There were photos taken of his face, torso, back and legs. In each photo his face was a mixture of shame and fear. His own emerald green eyes were haunting as they seemed rather dull and they revealed the amount of emotional and physical pain he was in. It appeared as if he was trying to mentally crawl inside of himself to escape the reality of what was happening at the time.

The folder also contained the notes that the school nurse took as she described and healed each one of his injuries. Harry was thankful that it hadn't been worse because he could recall several times in his life that he probably looked much worse at the hands of his own relatives. He was able to conceal at the time the fact that his uncle had raped him as he refused to take off his boxers in front of so many adults. Remus and Dumbledore had both insisted upon staying with him during the examination. As a result, the injuries he sustained from the rape took much longer to heal and provided him a constant reminder of what had happened to him for most of the summer. Harry suspected that Remus now knew about the sexual abuse after the events that took place on Halloween.

Why would Remus have all these things about me? thought Harry as he continued to rifle through the things on the desk. He was so absorbed in what he was doing that he didn't even hear the professor come through the door.

"Harry?" asked Remus with a puzzled look on his face.

Harry jumped at the sound of the man's voice and dropped everything back onto the desk and stepped away. His heart was pounding as he realized he had been caught rifling through the professor's things.

"Oh gods… you weren't meant to see any of that… I am sorry I am late… oh gods…. how do I begin?" Remus looked like he was near panic as he approached the desk. He began closing the folders and stacking the many books so that their bindings could not reveal the true nature of the books' contents.

Harry watched the man in complete shock, not really knowing what to say or do. He began to speculate on the real purpose that Remus had invited him here tonight and suspected that the professor probably hadn't intended to have one of their usual conversations.

Remus looked up at him as he finished tidying and sighed deeply. "Would you join me on the couch?" he asked.

Harry shrugged and followed Remus over to the sitting area, but sat in one of the arm chairs instead. Remus lit the fire using his wand, sat back, and rubbed his face thoughtfully.

"Would you like some tea?" asked Remus after a short while.

"No," said Harry sharply. He found himself sitting in a defensive position with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes looking anywhere except for at Remus.

"I am sorry I was late. I was held up by a student who had lit a stink bomb in one of the boys' bathrooms. It was more difficult than I had imagined to get rid of that awful smell. I guess it's a Muggle invention. Muggles have the strangest senses of humor…." Remus's voice trailed off as he realized that Harry wasn't really listening. "I am assuming I left the door unlocked again and that you let yourself in."

Harry nodded absentmindedly as he looked over at Remus. "Don't worry I am not angry or anything, just surprised. I didn't have any time to tidy up in here before you came over," said Remus.

Harry shrugged again and looked away again. He focused on the dancing flames in the fireplace, not really wanting to continue with this conversation. He had a feeling about where it was going. He thought about how he could excuse himself so that he could leave, but everything that came to mind sounded a bit too rude.

"I am sorry you had to see all that on my desk. Are you alright, Harry?"

"I'm fine," said Harry firmly.

"You always say that," said the professor, more to himself than to the small boy across the room from him. Harry shrugged again, determined not to say much else.

"Would you like to know why I have all that information on you?"

Rather than responding, Harry looked at him defiantly, waiting for the drama that would inevitably begin.

"Harry, I am concerned about you. You have been through a lot this year, and I am worried that you are not handling everything as well as you would like the rest of us to believe…. I had hoped that you would have taken Madame Pomfrey and Dumbledore's offer and speak to a therapist."

"I do not want to speak to some stranger about my problems and then have them blab all my secrets to rest of the wizarding world. I don't trust anyone enough to do that!" Harry retorted angrily.

"I understand that Harry, and I would like to make you an offer. You may not know this, but after I graduated from Hogwarts there was a time that I tried to pursue being a healer. I began to study on my own, but none of the wizarding colleges would accept me because…. well you know… because I am a werewolf. I was mostly interested in the psychological aspect of healing rather than of medicine itself. I worked for a short time during the war as an unlicensed therapist helping families overcome the loss of their loved ones. But after your parents died, well I was too much of a mess to be of much help to anyone. The rest of the details are not important… I guess what I am trying to say is that I would like to help you… if you will let me." Remus looked over at Harry hopefully.

"Help me do what?" asked Harry purposely trying to be evasive.

"Harry, you and I both know that you are struggling to deal with everything going on. You have had to overcome the loss of someone very close to you, you escaped from an abusive home, and you were nearly killed not more than a month ago. Not to mention everything else that has happened before this year. Let me help you…"

"Professor Lupin, do you honestly think…" Harry began.

"Remus… call me Remus please."

"Remus," Harry replied in a mocking tone, "Do you honestly think that talking about everything with you is going to magically make everything that happened go away?"

"Of course I can't take back anything that has happened to you, but I can make it easier. Or at least that is what I would like to try and do. Harry, you can trust me. You know that I would never betray your trust for any reason."

Harry sighed heavily and looked back into the flames. He didn't know what to do. He hated talking about everything as it brought back too many painful memories, but Remus's offer sounded appealing.

"I don't know… I hate thinking about everything…"

"I know Harry but believe me when I say that talking about it does help… I have seen a therapist myself in the past when things got too bad."

"Really? When?" asked Harry, now a bit curious.

"Well I saw someone a few times when I was a boy to help me to understand how being a werewolf was going to change my life…. and again after the death of your parents… in one evening I lost everyone I ever cared about in one way or another… it was too much to take at the time, especially after the death of my own parents."

"I didn't know, Remus, I'm sorry," said Harry genuinely. He sometimes forgot what Remus had been through in his life. It was somewhat comforting to know that he had seen a therapist when he was younger too. He let down his guard a bit and leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

"It's alright, time allowed me to heal and come to terms with everything, as I hope it will with you."

"I doubt time can heal the pain I feel… it eats away at me inside," Harry revealed. Both looked at each other somewhat surprised that Harry had subconsciously chosen to start talking about what was bothering him.

"Tell me about the pain…" Remus tried.

"I really don't know how to explain it… it's just always there. I feel sad and tired all of the time like there is a darkness inside of me."

"A darkness?" asked Remus thoughtfully. "Do you still have those nightmares… you know about Voldemort and your uncle?"

"No," said Harry honestly, "the pensieve that Dumbledore gave me helped with that."

"Any visions?"

"Nope."

"Does your scar ever hurt like it did?"

"Nope."

"That's good… how have you been eating? You still seem a little thin to me."

"Alright I guess," said Harry. Remus looked at him doubtfully. The dark haired boy across from him still seemed very small and withdrawn. He knew deep down that depression was beginning to take hold of the son of his once best friend. It pained him to see how life had treated Harry. Time and time again he berated himself for not checking on the boy all those years. He was too consumed in his own misery and he made assumptions that Dumbledore had ensured the boy's welfare. They had all been so mistaken.

"You said before that you weren't having those nightmares anymore, but how have you been sleeping?"

Harry looked away, "Fine."

"Don't lie. You haven't been sleeping, have you? I can tell by the circles under your eyes, and from the fact that you tried to steal a dreamless sleep potion from Professor Snape."

"Fine, I haven't been sleeping. Happy now?"

"Of course not. I'm worried about you. Why haven't you been able to sleep? Severus mentioned something about some dreams you have been having. Is something going on?"

"I just have some things on my mind, that's all." Harry was not about to reveal that he thought he was going crazy on top of everything else. These dreams about Sirius were getting stranger and stranger. How could he tell Remus that he was reliving the memories of his dead best friend? Wouldn't that be cruel to bring him such pain?

"Harry, please tell me about the dreams…"

"It's nothing… really…" Harry was beginning to get angry by Remus's insistence at gaining information from him. He was just starting to warm up to the idea of talking to Remus about everything, but he wanted to do it when he felt ready, not on command.

"Harry, please tell me. Are you thinking about Sirius or your uncle?" Harry jumped up from his seat in frustration. Remus was apparently not going to back down from his line of questioning.

"It's everything!" shouted Harry using his hands to emphasize his anger at this point. "And yes I have been thinking about Sirius! How can I not! It's my fault that he is dead. If I weren't so stupid and worthless I would have known that Voldemort was trying to trick me…"

"Harry, Sirius's death is not your fault…"

"Yes it is. Everything is my fault. The fact remains that everyone around me dies or becomes hurt because of me…. and… and now I have this stupid prophecy hanging over my head as well."

Remus stood up beside him with a look of utter pity on his face. "Do you know what the prophecy said?" asked the professor.

Harry crossed his arms again and defiantly said, "Yes, but I can't tell you. Dumbledore gave me strict orders on that one."

"Alright, alright. I was only asking. I didn't mean to upset you. Are you alright?"

"Yes," he answered as his temper began to cool down.

"Harry, do you see now how everything is still bothering you? You are not fine, and I really feel that you should talk to someone. If not me than maybe Draco or Ron or Hermione…."

Harry nodded in understanding. He had thought about talking to Draco, but the time never felt right. He looked down at his watch and realized that it was getting late. "I should get going…"

"Okay, but can I assume that you would be willing to talk to me every once in a while. No one else would have to know about it."

"I guess so," said Harry as he turned to walk towards the door. He stopped mid stride as he felt that it was important to tell Remus how he was really feeling about the situation. "I guess it would be okay, but I don't like to be pressured to talk about things. If I don't want to talk about something, are you going to make me?" He was thinking about his dreams about Sirius. He still wasn't prepared to tell anyone about them until he could make more sense of them.

"No, Harry. I won't make you. We will only talk about what you feel comfortable about. I may ask you some difficult questions, but it will be up to you if you want to respond. How does that sound?"

"I guess it sounds okay. Thank you."

"No problem… Harry, before you leave I need to tell you something very important."

"What?" he asked cautiously. The graying man before him had a look of determination on his face that was somewhat unsettling.

"You know that stuff in your file and everything that has happened to you isn't your fault, right?"

"Yeah, I know," replied Harry knowing that it was what Remus wanted to hear.

"No, I don't think that you do. Harry, everything that has happened: your parents' death, Cedric, Sirius, your relatives… none of that was your fault."

"Yeah, its okay, I know." Harry's heart began pounding. Why was Remus doing this to him? He began to back up slowly, but Remus followed him every tiny step of the way.

"No, you don't. It's not your fault," the man insisted again. There was such sadness in his eyes.

"Yeah, okay. Let it go, alright?"

"It's not your fault."

"Okay," Harry's chin began to tremble in frustration. He wanted to run out of the room and away from this situation. Of everything that was bothering him about the past events; it was the guilt that had sent him into this depression he had begun to feel on a daily basis. He felt solely responsible for all the deaths that occurred in his life, and somewhere deep down he felt responsible for the abuse his relatives caused him as well. The guilt is what ate away at his spirit each day.

"Harry… what your uncle did to you... it's not your fault."

By now Harry had unconsciously backed himself right into one of the book cases on the far wall. Remus had kept a close distance, invading Harry's personal space and therefore making it increasingly more difficult for Harry to put up his mental walls around him. Remus had kept his word about not asking him questions about what happened to him if he didn't want to talk about it. Instead, he was trying to make Harry at least understand that his guilt was misplaced.

"I know… "

"It's not your fault."

"Don't do this to me, Remus…" he whispered. Tears had formed at the corner of Harry's eyes and were now cascading down his pale face.

"It's not your fault…Harry…it's not your fault."

"He said that I was a freak…" His voice was breaking, and he was now shaking visibly. "That I deserved it after what I had done…"

"It's not your fault, Harry."

"I am so sorry… I couldn't get away…"

"Don't be sorry… It's not your fault…."

"Oh gods, Remus…."

Harry broke down and began sobbing uncontrollably. Remus reached out and pulled him into a hug. Harry then threw his arms around Remus's neck and buried his face into the man's shoulder. Remus in turn wrapped his arms tighter around his lithe frame and rocked him gently from side to side. He cried out in misery as sob after sob racked his body. Harry had never cried like this before as he would have been punished by the Dursleys for making too much noise. It felt as if his very soul was weeping in agony, but oddly enough with each passing sob he felt calmer and calmer. It was as if an emotional weight was being lifted off his shoulders. Soon his weeping diminished to only a few tears. Remus continued to hold him tightly, sometimes stroking his hair, other times rubbing small circles on his back. Oddly enough he felt better than he did in a long time. Sometimes a body just needs to cry in order to unleash its grief.

Finally, when it seemed as if Harry had calmed down somewhat, Remus drew back and took Harry's tear-stained face in both of his hands, forcing him to look up at him. "Harry, none of what happened is your fault. You need to understand that you if you ever want to heal." He then lovingly brushed away a few stray tears.

Harry closed his eyes and nodded in understanding. He didn't completely believe what the man in front of him had just repeatedly told him. But cracks had begun to etch their way across the mental shields that Harry had put in place long ago to make sense of what had happened to him. He mistakenly justified his relative's actions by believing all the horrible things they had ever told him. It is extremely difficult to overcome that kind of conditioning.

Remus then placed both his hands on Harry's shoulders and sighed. "I am not sure if I ever told you, Harry, but I love you. You mean the world to me, kiddo, and I promise you that I will always be there for you."

"Sirius said that too…"

"I know, Harry, I know." Remus looked away as his own eyes began to fill with tears. He looked up at the ceiling and blinked them away hoping that Harry had not seen them. He needed to stay strong for him. "I could never replace what Sirius meant to you, but I would like to think of us as family."

"I would like that too," said Harry with a sad smile. Remus hugged him again and kissed the top of his head in an affectionate father type way.

"Are you okay?" asked Remus.

"I think so," said Harry.

"Would you like me to walk you back to Gryffindor?"

"No, I'll be alright… I just need some time alone…"

"Alright, would you like me to send Dobby over with some of that tea we discussed earlier?"

"That would be nice, thanks," said Harry appreciatively.

"No problem. Just know that my door will always open to you, okay? We will talk again later about when you want to come see me next."

Harry nodded, and turned to leave. His hand had already reached the door knob when he stopped for a moment. He turned back around and warmly embraced the torso of the man, who he now looked up to as a father figure. He then quickly left the room without another word.

Remus remained where he stood, shocked to the very core. That was the first time Harry had ever initiated any kind of intimate contact with him. In the past Harry had returned his hugs, but it seemed that he only did it if he felt he was obligated to. Remus hoped that this new development meant that he had gained Harry's trust that he desperately needed in order to help him begin to heal. So they both could begin to heal.

He peeked outside of his door in time to see Harry turn around the corner at the end of the long hallway. Harry was so much stronger than he gave himself credit for. He closed the door again and resumed his position on the couch before the fireplace.

Remus hadn't wanted to say anything tonight to him, but he had begun the process of gaining custody of Harry. With the headmaster on his side, and the fact that Harry was no longer considered a minor in the wizarding world, there seemed to be a real possibility that Harry may be able to come and live with him during the summer and after graduation. It was the least he could do for the boy that he now thought of like a son. Fortunately, the laws regarding werewolves and guardianship of children were somewhat vague for teenagers over the age of sixteen. The headmaster had been working on Harry's new guardianship since this summer and had found a loop hole that would allow Harry to be in Remus's care as long as he was not adopted.

The only foreseeable problem in him gaining guardianship of Harry was that he remained under probation for the spell he had used on Vernon Dursley last summer. The fact he was on probation was trivial as it inflicted no real consequences other than adding another blow to his ability to gain custody of Harry.

He had acted blindly because he had been so full of rage. He had been angry with Harry the night that he revealed that he refused to press charges against his relatives. Remus understood Harry's reasoning at the time, but that didn't negate the fact that Vernon Dursley was allowed to walk around free after the horrendous crimes he had committed. After he had wreaked his revenge, he felt worse than he did before. Besides his alter ego, the wolf, he did not consider himself to be a violent man and his actions went against every fiber of his being.

Regret can be all consuming sometimes. He hated himself for his actions, and now it seemed as if he may be prevented custody of the boy he loved and adored because of it. Dumbledore was currently trying to set up a hearing to determine whether or not Remus would remain under probation. If all went well, Harry would move in with him this summer. He hoped to provide him a home in which he would finally feel like he was loved.

A/N: I loved writing this chapter and it is one of my favorites. My inspiration usually comes from a variety of sources, and the scene between Remus and Harry is borrowed from the movie Good Will Hunting, although I think the dialogue is different, but the idea is the same. I haven't seen the movie in years, but I remembered that scene between Matt Damon and Robin Williams in his office and I thought it was particularly powerful. My heart was pounding when I wrote this chapter, but when I reread it I felt I somehow lost the emotion I was striving for. What did you all think of this chapter?

A/N2: I realize that my goal was to stick to Harry's perspective, but I somehow shifted focus onto Remus in the middle of the story without intending to. I like the outcome because I was able to reveal some information about where Harry will be staying this summer.

Many thanks to my reviewers and readers. And one thousand thanks to my beta Drae!