Warning: May trigger cutting! Please do not read if you feel you may endanger yourself. I am not a cutter, but I feel that this chapter is particularly graphic!

Chapter 17- Echoes of the Mind

For the first time in what seemed like forever, Sirius was having a good time; a really good time. Sirius never looked forward to the winter holidays as it meant that he would have to be home with the family. There was nothing he detested more than pretending to be something that he wasn't while he was at the manor. But this year was different. His father, Orion Black, was out of the country on business and wouldn't be home for another few days. In addition, his mother had been keeping to herself mostly, but had allowed the boys a visit from their cousin Bellatrix.

Regulus and Sirius were currently engaged in a wizarding duel of sorts with their older cousin. Their favourite game was more like a combination of the muggle games freeze tag and hide-and-go-seek, only in their version they had to "tag" one another by using various spells and curses; only the harmless ones of course.

Fortunately for them, the boys' father had enchanted their home so that the Ministry wouldn't detect any of the spells used by their wands. Orion Black had plenty to hide from the ministry so every necessary precaution was taken. The boys were free to do magic over the holiday without worrying about the consequences. Being the naturally mischievous beings that they were, they loved every minute of it.

Teaming up against their cousin, Sirius stalked each room of the house closely followed by his younger brother. They hunted their prey from room to room their hearts beating wildly in anticipation. When it seemed as if they had searched every possible room in the manor they heard a shout from behind.

"STUPEFY!" Bellatrix shouted as she aimed her wand at Regulus. The poor boy never knew what hit him as he fell helplessly to the floor.

Sirius whirled around and fired off a spell of his own "TARATALLEGRA!" Unfortunately he wasn't quick enough and Bellatrix was able to throw up a shielding spell to block the curse.

"Come on, you can do better than that!" shouted Bellatrix with a cheeky grin on her face.

"You always say that Bella…" said Sirius laughing.

"INCARCEROUS," she said before Sirius could raise his wand again. Ropes shot out of her wand and began to wind their way around Sirius's waist. Seeing that she had defeated both of her cousins Bellatrix quickly ran over and began to tickle them mercilessly. She laughed gaily at her obvious victory and didn't let up until they cried "Merlin!"

No matter how hard he tried, Sirius never seemed to be able to beat his cousin…

Harry raised his head groggily from his pillow and saw by the time on his alarm clock that he was late getting up this morning. Glancing around the dorm room he noticed that he was completely alone. Apparently everyone had gotten up already and headed down to breakfast. Harry had mistakenly said to his dorm mates that he "just wanted to be left alone" one morning this week when he was feeling especially irritable and now he was wreaking the consequences. They had left him alone … and left him to wake up late once again.

As he sat up in bed Harry realized that he had awoken from that dream with a mixture of feelings. He was thankful that the dream was a pleasant memory because he had experienced far too many nightmarish ones recently. These strange dreams had really begun to take their toll on him as well. He had spent another few sleepless nights dreading the moment in which he fell asleep. The ones about Dementors and Sirius's father were especially horrific. These more pleasant dreams were a welcome relief to some of the others.

Unfortunately, he was no closer to understanding this strange connection he had to his late godfather. Harry had thought about approaching Remus on a number of occasions about what he had been experiencing, but he didn't want to bring the man any more pain than he had already had. Besides, Remus had been away mostly investigating some things for Dumbledore and the Order. They hadn't had many opportunities to talk to each other in the way that they both needed. Mostly they discussed how Harry was dealing with everything that had happened since New Year's Eve.

Harry reflected on the memory for a moment before getting out of bed. "Come on, you can do better than that!" Bellatrix had said that to Sirius in the dream, but they had also been the last words his godfather said before he fell through the veil. Harry had always wondered why Sirius had said those words. They had seemed so out of place in the midst of battle. It was clear now that he had been egging on Bellatrix by mimicking his cousin's words during a game they played during their childhood. Harry wasn't sure how he felt about all that, so he decided to get up and get dressed before he dwelled on the death of his godfather any further.

Harry soon found himself inside the Great Hall, which was completely filled once again now that the few remaining students who stayed with their families had returned to Hogwarts for classes. He made his way over to the long table that housed the Gryffindors and sat down somewhat near his friends. Hermione and Ron were already seated and halfway through their own breakfasts. Not feeling particularly hungry, Harry reached for a large bagel anyway and began to smear some cream cheese on each half. It was better to force himself to eat something than hear about it from his friends and Remus later.

Harry glanced in the direction towards the Slytherin table and saw Draco watching him with a mild interest. He smiled sadly and went back to eating his breakfast knowing that his boyfriend was still staring at him. Nearly a week had passed since the New Year's Eve Bash and his relationships with both Ron and Draco were strained to say the least.

Harry sometimes relived those moments when Draco attacked him while he was trying to fall asleep, and it was everything that he could do to reassure himself that it was all some horrific mistake. His heart ached to be with Draco again despite everything that had happened, but their relationship would then affect his friendship with Ron who was being as pig-headed as ever. He needed them both desperately. Somehow Harry knew that this feud between Ron and Draco was something they had to work out themselves. He knew that in the end they would both wise up and see the error of their ways. He only hoped that they wouldn't take too long to come to their senses.

Hermione had found Harry in the Astronomy Tower in the late afternoon of New Year's Day. Despite the fact that Harry had warned them all not to follow them, she took it upon herself to look for him anyway. Hermione was willful in that way. As irritated as he was at her intrusion, he was grateful to see that she was carrying a woolen blanket in her arms. He had been so cold that he welcomed the blanket and Hermione's presence without hesitation.

They sat quietly with one another snuggling under the blanket and chatting idly. Finally, the topic of New Year's came up and Hermione informed him what had happened after he left the infirmary. Apparently things had gotten pretty heated between Ron and Draco again for a while there. Hermione told Harry that they had been shouting so loudly that Madame Pomfrey finally had to step in when she had finally had enough of their bickering. The school nurse lectured both boys for their blatantly stupid behavior and kicked them out into the hallway where they then parted ways.

Harry refused to choose between either of them, so he asked Hermione to tell the other two that until they could get along with each other that he wanted nothing to do with either one of them. Unfortunately, that was where the situation stood currently.

Harry didn't go out of his way to ignore them, but he didn't go out of his way to be with them either. Ron and Draco had finally decided to stop bickering, but Ron had yet to fully forgive Draco the way that Harry and Hermione had. He could be quite stubborn. Even when he could see the truth he was reluctant to forgive out of pride. Draco, despite the changes he had made to his character, was still a Slytherin at heart, and wouldn't back down from the situation. The tension that existed whenever Ron and Draco were in a room together was thick enough to cut with a knife. Harry knew that in time things would resolve themselves, but that didn't make the situation any easier now.

He peeked over at Hermione who was glancing at him shyly. He gave her a small smile and took a sip of his orange juice as she looked away.

"Harry…"

"Yeah?" he said as he turned his head in the direction he heard the voice. He had expected to see who was speaking to him, but to his surprise there was no one relatively close. No one was even looking at him for that matter. They were all engrossed in their own conversations and stuffing their faces. He looked down towards the other end of the table and observed his friends. Ron and Hermione were both quietly eating their breakfast and were saying very little. He shrugged his shoulders thinking he must have misunderstood or had just been overhearing someone else's conversation or something.

"Harry…" The voice sounded strangely distant, as if it were only an echo.

"What?" he asked irritably. He glanced around again looking for the owner of the voice, but again no one appeared to be talking to him. That time he knew he heard someone calling his name.

"Did you guys ask me something?" asked Harry looking at his friends.

"No… why?" asked Hermione thoroughly confused.

"Oh…. nothing…" he replied shaking his head.

"Harry… please…" the voice whispered in desperation. Harry was startled once again and his face must have clearly showed it because Ron was looking at him curiously. It appeared that no one else had heard anything at all.

"Alright there, mate?" he asked.

"Yeah… just fine…" said Harry taking a sip of orange juice to hide his face. Ron was able to read him pretty well these days and he didn't want to alarm him until he knew what was going on. His heart beat quickened slightly as he thought about the disturbing voice. Everything was so confusing lately. First he was having strange dreams and now he was hearing voices again. He was starting to suspect that he was hearing things in his head, like he was delusional or something. He felt like he was going crazy.

"Harry…" The voice was louder this time but it appeared as if no one else had heard it. He began to panic a bit and his stomach lurched wildly. This time Harry knew for sure that what he heard was actually a product of his mind. Don't people with schizophrenia hear voices in their head? Is that what was wrong with him? This couldn't be normal!

Harry felt the need to escape the situation before anyone could figure out what was truly plaguing him. He excused himself by saying that he wasn't feeling very well, which was partly true, and walked as quickly as he could out of the Great Hall. Hermione and Ron looked on after him worried about the state that their friend was in.

Harry walked out into the lobby in front of the Great Hall. He took some deep cleansing breaths and shook his head slightly to literally clear his thoughts, but nothing worked. The sound of that voice was still echoing in his head like a distant memory. He leaned heavily against the wall near the front entrance and sighed deeply. He was starting to feel a bit light headed now and he gripped the wall for support.

Before he could gain his bearings, he heard the voice again. This time, much more clearly, "Harry, help me!" He recognized the sound of the voice beyond a shadow of a doubt now. He had some suspicions when he was in the Great Hall, but now he was sure who it was. It was the same voice that haunted him in his dreams. It was the same voice that had used to comfort him whenever he was in need of some friendly advice. The ghostly voice clearly belonged to his godfather, Sirius, the man that Harry had inadvertently led to his death.

Tears sprung to his eyes as emotion overtook him. Was he crazy? If he wasn't, then what did that bizarre voice want from him? How could he help his godfather when Sirius was dead? Why was this happening to him?

Suddenly, Harry could not deal with everything any longer. He felt as if he was on a downward spiral of emotions that he felt would never end. Depression like he had never felt before set upon him and he felt a heaviness in his heart. He couldn't live like this! He desperately tried to think about what was happening to him and without meaning to he sent in his racing brain in overload thinking about everything. A chain reaction of sorts was triggered causing him to remember one awful memory after another in attempt to make sense of it all.

…his dead godfather's voice echoing through his mind…

…Draco physically assaulting him on New Year's Eve…

…the conflict with Ron and Draco…

…the tragic night when Voldemort attacked Hogsmeade…

…his soul following Draco's into Limbo…

…Sirius falling through the veil…

…the deaths of his parents, Cedric, and so many others…

…the Dursleys… oh gods, VERNON…

These events mixed together creating a swirling tornado of dangerous emotions. The bitter darkness crept into every corner of his heart, and Harry felt completely lost; utterly lost. It was just too much. Too much!

A panic attack like Harry had never felt before set in at full force. His heart began to race and his entire body broke out in sheen of sweat. His clothes began to feel damp and he knew that he that he must be visibly trembling from head to toe. He tried to will away the emotional pain that was ravaging his very soul, but he only succeeded to dwell on things further. His breath quickened and his chest continued to tighten. It felt as if nothing would ever be right in the world again and he wept in desperation.

Despite his current condition Harry felt the need to leave the front lobby before someone came out and discovered him in such obvious distress. He was in no mood to answer questions to anyone, including his beloved Draco.

He stumbled dizzily through the massive stone hallways of Hogwarts searching for some resolution to end his pain. His mind raced with a multitude of thoughts and worries. He wasn't even sure where he was going, but he knew that he had to keep moving. If he stopped for even a moment the reality of his desperate situation would somehow set in.

Suddenly, everything became very clear to Harry. He felt completely out of control of his life and he knew of only one way to gain that control again. He knew what he had to do. As much as he didn't want to do it, he knew that it was the one thing… the only thing… that he could control at this very moment. He craved the pure sensation desperately with a renewed sense of purpose.

With much determination, Harry raced through the halls back towards the Gryffindor tower. He hastily gave the password to the painting of the Fat Lady that guarded the entrance and then proceeded to run up the stairs two at a time until he reached the boys 6th year dormitory. He pulled his wand out of his sleeve and searched the room for something that would be easy to transfigure. Locating a forgotten yellow comb on the floor he made his way to the boy's bathroom and secured the door behind him with several locking spells. When he felt confident that he would not be disturbed, he stumbled breathlessly into the shower room and fell heavily upon his knees. Hopefully the rest of his dorm mates had already begun their morning classes and would leave him alone to do what he must.

By now he was completely sobbing in despair. Life itself had now become completely unbearable. Just when he was beginning to deal with his haunting past, he was forced to listen to the desperate pleas of his dead godfather, somehow calling to him from the beyond. He looked down at the comb in his hand and contemplated if this was something he truly wanted to do. He had promised Draco and Ron long ago that he would never do this again. There had been several times this year where Harry had felt the need, especially after those strange dreams and New Year's Eve, but the lure was never as strong as it was now at this moment. Harry desperately wanted the release that only a sharp blade could bring.

Deciding that he deserved it after everything that had happened, he quickly transfigured the comb into a small knife. He hastily wiped away his tears so that he could see clearly and pushed back the sleeves of both his arms. He breathed in deeply and pressed his knife against the soft skin of the inside of his left forearm as he closed his hand into a fist. He then closed his eyes and waited for the pain that would release him from his anguish as he dragged the sharpened edge against his pale skin.

A stinging sensation brought him back to reality and he opened his eyes and looked at his arm. The thin red line had already begun to bleed freely. The fresh incision stood out boldly against the few thin scars that revealed his past experience with knives. But sadly, the burning sensation left him all too quickly and Harry felt the need to make another cut, maybe this time a little deeper.

He cut again close to the last incision and smiled sadly at the pain as he was able to temporarily forget everything that had happened and live in the moment. This time his arm had begun to bleed even more, and Harry stared blurry eyed as the red liquid dripped from his arm and onto the white tile floor. At least this was something he could control. The pain was irresistible. He decided how and why he needed to cut, and no one could take that away from him. Everything felt entirely surreal, and he began to feel somewhat fatigued from the mental exhaustion. He closed his eyes and sat back heavily on his feet letting his bloodied arm fall to the side as he zoned out from the pain. But his self induced delirium quickly came to a halt.

An odd sensation brought him back to attention and he looked about him curiously. It was as if something had alerted him out of his trance. He listened carefully trying to determine the cause of the noise that he just heard, but all he found was an eerie silence. He was all alone in the bathroom. "I must be going crazy," he thought bemusedly.

Then his hearing unexpectedly altered. The pressure inside his head changed and he felt as if he was under water or something. He began to pick up sounds that seemed like strings of conversations, but there was no one in the room with him. The odd sensation could only be described as sounding like someone turning the knob on a muggle radio back and forth quickly, only allowing the listener to pick up bits and pieces of information as the dial glided past each station. Suddenly, the imaginary radio knob stopped and Harry could only hear one voice clearly.

"Harry…" said the voice softly. It was Sirius's voice again, calling out to him.

"No. no. no. no NO!" Harry screamed shaking his head back and forth. His escape from what was happening to him had been too short lived. He wasn't ready to deal with this stupid voice again. "Leave me alone!" he begged.

"Harry! Please!" said the voice more urgently.

"No, leave me alone!" screamed Harry. The voice was overwhelming him and consuming his thoughts. Harry could no longer sense who he even was. He felt like he was losing it completely, like he was on the brink of insanity. Not being able to think rationally about the situation, he began to slash at both of his wrists recklessly. He wasn't sure if he was trying to kill himself now or merely trying to make the voice stop, but cutting himself repeatedly seemed like the only solution at the time. He sobbed helplessly hoping that his misery would somehow end. How much more could a person take?

"Harry!" a voice shouted. Someone was now pounding on the bathroom door trying to get in, but Harry mistakenly thought it was the voice calling out to him again.

"NO……" he said as he continued to slash his arms in a haphazard fashion, switching the knife in his hands so that he could cut each arm. He began to feel weak and dizzy as the blood continued to pour from each of his arms. They were now shredded to ribbons and were in sad shape. The muscles were now clearly torn to pieces and he had come too close to his arteries, for they were now spurting blood with each passing heartbeat.

He began to feel numb as his brain fogged with confusion. He could vaguely hear what sounded like a variety of spells being cast just outside the bathroom door, but he couldn't register the fact that someone was trying to get in.

"Leave me alone… I am so sorry….." he moaned through his body racking sobs. He was now huddled in a ball over his knees with his hands over his ears trying to block out the offending voice. Blood was now staining most of his clothing, and his face was twisted in agony and looked almost unrecognizable through the tumultuous tears.

"Harry! Oh my gods….." a voice shouted somewhere close.

He felt someone skid to a halt beside him, and he hesitantly looked up at his best friend, Ron, through red rimmed eyes. "Making the voice stop….. please…." He begged. He couldn't bear to have Sirius call out for help from him any longer, especially since he was the one who had led him to his death. The guilt and grief was tearing him up inside. "I can't take it anymore…." He moaned.

"Harry, you promised… what have you done?" asked Ron. He too was crying openly and looked at a loss about what to do. "There was so much blood everywhere," thought Harry absentmindedly. "What happened?"

"Oh gods… I knew something was wrong," said Ron again as he shakily ripped at his own school uniform. The red-haired boy wasn't advanced enough in spells to heal Harry's arms himself, so he desperately tried to stop the bleeding by wrapping his friend's arms tightly with strips of cloth from his now torn uniform. His efforts had been in vain because soon the make shift bandages were soaked with the crimson red life-giving fluid. Harry's tears had now stopped and he just sat their listlessly and allowed his friend to care for him, like he once did not so long ago.

"We need to get you to the infirmary," Ron said in a tear strained voice.

He felt Ron's arms go around him as he was lifted off of the ground. Harry tried to stand on his own to feet, but found that he was too weak and dizzy from the blood loss. He slipped on his own blood and almost toppled over when he felt his friend grab him firmly.

"I don't think I can make it," said Harry hoarsely.

"Don't be silly, of course you can, Harry. I am going to let you die on me," said Ron determinedly. He motioned Harry to begin walking with him, but as soon as Harry took another step he collapsed again on the floor.

"Please, gods, help me…" he heard Ron cry out. He felt himself lifted off of the bloodstained tile floor and into the comforting arms of his best friend. Ron rushed out of the boys' bathroom and ran down the stairs despite the load in his arms.

"Did you find him?" a female voice called out from below. Then she let a blood curdling scream when she saw what Ron carried in his arms.

"Harry? Harry!" said the female as she tried to get his attention. When Harry failed to answer the girl proceeded to begin sobbing. He wondered if the girl was his best friend Hermione, but he couldn't find the strength to open his eyes.

He felt himself carried towards some destination that he could only assume was the school infirmary. He knew Ron was still crying and he seemed to be saying things aloud to him that he thought would help will Harry to hold on, but soon the Boy-Who-Lived could no longer hear him.

Harry had succumbed to the darkness. This darkness was unlike the one he felt creep into his heart time and time again over the last few months. This darkness was blissfully sweet. He no longer felt any pain, and the voice had stopped calling out to him. Harry wished that the empty darkness would last forever. Maybe he wouldn't have to wake up. Waking up meant that he had to face everything that had sent him into this frenzy of emotional pain. He didn't think that he would ever be able to overcome all of his emotional obstacles. Most importantly, he didn't think he could overcome the voice of Sirius who had begun to call out to him first in his dreams and now while he was awake. The voice haunted him and Harry feared that he was going insane.

A/N: There you go; this chapter was the reason why I chose the main title of this story. Yes, I know it doesn't reveal all that much, but stories need to a climax sometimes to further it along. Sorry about all the blood. I hope that it was as powerful as I meant it to be. Don't worry; Harry is not going to die. My story is barely half way through. In the next chapter expect Harry to wake up and begin to talk to Remus. He will soon learn the true meaning of what is beyond the veil as well. Yea... the plot is unfolding!

Fun Fact: Bring Me to Life was 27 chapters long, and this story is currently only 17 chapters long, but I have already exceeded the word count of the prequel. Go me!

Many thanks to all my reviewers and a thousand thanks to my beta Drae!