Chapter 18- Awakenings
Harry's body ached from head to toe, and he hesitated to open his eyes. The blinding light seemed to be threatening to penetrate his poorly adjusted pupils. He felt completely groggy and disorientated. With heavy lids he blinked away the sleepiness until he could open his eyes fully. The bright light was harsh on his sensitive eyes and he turned his head away from the offense. Unfortunately, the quick movement caused his head to spin. He closed his eyes and he lay motionless once again, trying to will away the nausea that was creeping its way up the back of his throat.
With reluctance he attempted to open his eyes once again and found that he was lying in a pale yellow room on a fairly large bed. He appeared to be covered in an oversized down comforter that was nestled in an off white duvet. The rest of the details were somewhat of a blur because he was not wearing his glasses. Turning his head slowly he realized that he had never been here before and he felt fairly alarmed. Where was he? Why wasn't he at Hogwarts?
He rolled his head in the direction of the window which was dressed in material similar to the duvet. He had hoped to gain some perspective on his current location, but from his position on the bed all he could see was the offending yellow sunlight set against a cloudless, pale blue sky. It was a most peculiar sight as the sun was mainly absent during these frosty winter months. The sun mainly hid behind the clouds, only peeking out playfully ever so often, but here it was bursting with pent up energy. Its bright light seemed to be shining solely through his window, willing him to wake up with an odd mixture of intensity and friendliness. How long had he been asleep? It felt like he had been asleep forever.
He turned his head to gaze at the ceiling wondering if he should attempt to sit up despite the weariness in his bones. His need for self preservation was kicking in and he felt rather vulnerable lying in some strange bed. Who had brought him here and what did they want with him? Harry began to grow fearful at the possibilities, but before he could contemplate his situation further a noise brought Harry's mind back from its wandering.
The door to the small bedroom that had been slightly ajar before was now being pushed wide open allowing a tall man to enter the room. The man's clothing seemed somewhat old and worn down and his hair was beginning to grey. Harry smiled inwardly with relief as he realized the man was none other than Remus Lupin. It appeared as if he had not noticed that Harry was awake yet, and he walked gingerly across the room to a small table beside the armoire that housed a variety of potions. Turning around with a vial of red liquid in his hand Remus was startled to see Harry's emerald green eyes watching him with wonderment.
"Harry! You're awake!" Remus said as he quickly returned the potion to the small table. He crossed the room in three swift strides and sat down on the bed beside Harry's small form.
Harry was about to sit up when he felt Remus's hand upon his chest holding him in place. "No, lie still. You are still very weak. Madam Pomfrey would have my head for allowing you out of bed before she could see you."
Harry sighed deeply as he rested his head back on the pillow. He tried not to flinch as Remus reached up to brush one of his locks out of his eyes but his blurred vision made him feel a bit jumpy.
"It's alright Harry… here, you probably want these," said Remus as he gently placed Harry's glasses on his face.
"Remus? Where am I?" asked Harry, who was surprised at the sound of his own hoarse voice. Now that he thought about it, his throat felt dry and scratchy like he had not used it in a long while.
"Here drink this…." said Remus lifting a glass of water to Harry's parched lips. The cool liquid was refreshing in his dry mouth and it relieved him a great deal.
"Where am I?" Harry asked again.
Remus sighed deeply and looked at Harry sadly. "Well, we're in an old cabin that I inherited from my family that is set on the shores of Silvery Lake. It's called Villa de Luna. It's a rather fancy name for such a tiny cabin, but my parents insisted upon naming it that. Once you are feeling better I'll show you around. I didn't really have enough time to fix the place up for you yet so you will have to bear with me while I begin cleaning this old house. No one has lived here for years, and I wasn't expecting you until this summer."
Harry smiled softly as he realized that he was probably lying in what would become his "bedroom" if everything went according to plan. Remus smiled back at him and watched him curiously. He had never put much thought into where he and Remus would be staying this summer, and a part of him assumed that they would go back to Number 12 Grimmauld Place. He was relieved that this wouldn't be happening as that musty old place held too many memories for Harry. His smile soon faded as he began to think about Sirius. Something wasn't right? Why was he here now?
"W-why am I here?" he asked Remus looking into his eyes. Their eyes locked for a few moments before Remus looked away. In those precious seconds Harry saw the utter pain and sadness behind his friend's concerned eyes. What had happened to cause such misery?
"You don't remember what happened?" asked Remus carefully, looking back at him.
"I-I'm not s-sure…" said Harry softly. He was now slowly starting to remember bits and pieces of what happened before he lost consciousness, but he needed another person's point of view to help shed light onto his situation.
"I am going to be honest with you Harry because I feel that hiding the truth from you will only do more harm than good. The only way you will begin to heal is through understanding." Harry nodded at him dumbly waiting for him to make some revelation that would help him make sense of the scattered pieces of his memory from that awful day.
"Ron and Hermione decided to follow you after you left the Great Hall during breakfast because they were concerned. They said that you had been acting strangely all morning. They searched everywhere until Ron finally found you… in the boy's bathroom covered in b-blood…"
Harry looked away from Remus his chest swelling with emotion. So that hadn't been a dream after all? He felt guilty that his best friend had to find him in such an awful condition once again.
"Harry, you …y-you cut your arms with a knife that you transfigured from a comb…."
Harry looked back at Remus and saw that his eyes were filled with unshed tears. There was so much pain in those soft brown eyes. "Do you remember?" he asked.
"Yes…" the small boy answered slowly. He raised his head from the pillows and looked down at his arms, noticing for the first time the pale blue pajamas that he was clothed in. White bandages could be seen sticking out of the cuff of each arm, and Harry was now mildly aware that his arms were tightly bound in the gauzy material from his wrists to his elbows. He briefly imagined what those scars would look like. Up until now his incisions had been precise neat rows, but he was pretty sure that during his lapse in sanity he had sliced at his arms randomly. He dreaded the moment when he would finally see the ugly mess he had made of himself. Maybe Madam Pomfrey had been able to heal them completely…
"Why did you do it Harry?" asked Remus breathing in deeply. Harry could tell that the man was trying to get a grip so that he wouldn't lose it in front of him. He didn't particularly want to answer Remus's questions right now so he decided to change the subject.
"How long have I been here?" he asked evasively.
Remus tilted his head in contemplation. He understood Harry better than most, and he knew that Harry had purposefully changed the subject to avoid answering him. He had promised long ago that he would never push Harry to talk about things before he was ready, so he decided to keep his word.
"Almost a week now. Before that you were in the infirmary for about three days…"
Harry was going to question him about why he was unconscious for so long when Remus continued for him.
"When Ron found you, you had lost a lot of blood. You had damaged the arteries in your arms and it was a miracle that we were even able to save you. Madam Pomfrey spent almost an entire day repairing each one of your blood vessels so that they would function again normally. Snape, Dumbledore, and myself took turns using a spell that would prevent further blood loss while she conducted the surgery by wand. Pomfrey then placed you into a spell induced coma so that you could begin to heal properly without feeling all the pain. When we all felt that you were stable enough to move, you were brought here. The nurse removed the spell that caused your coma two days ago and I have been waiting for you to wake up ever since."
"A coma?" asked Harry somewhat surprised.
"Yes… unfortunately, wizards do not have a procedure for a blood transfusion like Muggles do. Instead, you were given a potion called Rapid Cellulo that is similar to Skele-gro. The ingredients stimulate the bone marrow to produce more red blood cells than normal to compensate for the body's blood loss. The effects are much more painful than that of the Skele-gro potion, and Madam Pomfrey felt it best to save you from such excruciating pain by placing you in the coma. Another potion has been working to heal the muscular damage, but you may have some weakness in your arms for a while. You have also been given potions three times daily to prevent dehydration and provide you with nutrition."
Harry nodded taking in all the information. He was amazed by the vast amount of healing his body had undergone in the last few days without his awareness.
"Why was I brought here? Why can't I stay at Hogwarts?" asked Harry curiously. He was grateful to spend time with Remus, but under the circumstances he would have liked to have had a say in what was happening to him. Wasn't he missing classes? Wouldn't everyone wonder where he was?
"Dumbledore felt that you may need constant supervision once you regained consciousness, so I volunteered for the job."
"But why? Couldn't I have just stayed in the hospital ward?" he asked pulling at the edges of his bandages slightly. He wanted to peek at the scars, but the bindings were much too tight. Somehow none of this would seem real until he could see the evidence for himself.
"Well, no you couldn't. Because of the nature of what happened, it was either St. Mungo's or me…and I know that you wouldn't be able to heal the way that you need to if you were too worried about people leaking information to the media. So I took some time off from teaching… looks like you're stuck with me."
"Who's covering your classes?"
"Dumbledore…"
"How long will I be here?"
"I am not sure yet… we'll have to wait and see…"
"I don't understand. What aren't you telling me? Why do I need supervision? Why do you need to watch over me instead of Madam Pomfrey? She's the school nurse for Merlin'ssake!"
"Calm down, Harry, there is no need to get upset. Poppy is not trained to handle these kind of cases like I am," Remus tried to reason with him.
"What do you mean? What are you not telling me…" Harry pleaded with him.
Remus sighed again heavily before answering him, "Fine… if you must know… you are on suicide watch…"
"What?"
"You heard me…"
"But why? I didn't try to commit suicide!" Harry was getting really angry now. Is that what people thought that he did? Try to kill himself! Why didn't anyone understand? His eyes began to water as he thought about what had happened. He was just trying to gain a sense of control the only way he knew how. Wasn't he? He had just gotten carried away. Right?
"If you weren't trying to kill yourself than why did you slash arms to shreds…" said Remus softly. "You almost died Harry…."
"I… I… it's just that… I…" Harry's mouth did not seem to be working properly and his face was now streaming with tears. He hastily wiped away the tears with the back of his hand and looked away, crossing his arms protectively over his chest. He wasn't ready to tell Remus about Sirius's voice calling out to him. He wanted to desperately, but he needed a little more time to think.
"Harry… it's okay buddy…" Remus leaned forward and brought Harry into a semi seated position so that he could hold him. His long arms wrapped around the boy's small frame and he pressed his head against Harry's head, speaking into his messy mop of hair. "You're not alone in this… okay...You have many people who love you who want to help you; me included…"
Harry felt his wet tears slide down his face and dampen Remus's robes. He felt so safe being rocked in the man's protective arms, but his body was protesting at the movement. His nausea was returning from earlier.
"I love you … don't you ever forget that… let me help you…" Remus whispered into Harry's ear.
Harry nodded slightly, but pushed back with his arms so that he could lie down again. He was feeling quite dizzy.
Remus noticed the look on his face and began to inquire about his health. "How are you feeling?"
"Dizzy… my head hurts a bit…"
Remus rose from his position on the bed and began to search the small table for some necessary potions. "Anything else?"
"I feel really sick too. How come my whole body hurts instead of just my arms?"
"You are still feeling the effects of the Rapid Cellulo potion. Your body aches because your bones have had to produce enough blood to replace what you lost. The side effects should subside by tomorrow morning."
"Oh…" said Harry feeling sleepy.
"Here… drink these and you should feel better after you have taken a nap. Maybe later on you can try eating something for me." Remus handed him the red potion he had held in his hand earlier and a light blue one. Harry was about to inquire what each one did, but decided he really didn't care as long as he felt better. He downed each one quickly, set his glasses on the nightstand beside him, and lay back down on the comfortable bed. Turning over on his side, he closed his eyes and felt himself drift off to sleep. Thankfully he was blessed with a dreamless sleep and he was able to rest for a short while.
When he awoke later that evening, he found the school nurse leaning over him checking his vitals with her wand. She smiled at him when she saw that his eyes had now opened fully.
"Harry… I am so glad that you are awake. Remus told me that you had awakened earlier, and I flooed over as soon as possible. Do you think you can sit up for me?"
Harry nodded slowly and used his weak arms to push himself up into a seated position. The small request was more of an effort than he realized as he felt completely exhausted. He rested against the headboard and grabbed his glasses from the night stand. She sat down beside him and manually took his pulse and felt his forehead. Normally she would continue to check his vitals using her wand, but she sometimes used Muggle methods as well. She was getting more and more motherly with him, but Harry didn't mind the attention all that much. He imagined that this is what it must feel like to have a parent dote on you.
"You gave us quite a scare young man. You have several friends at Hogwarts who are dying to come visit you when you are feeling a little better."
Harry nodded but looked away. As much as he wanted to see his friends, he had no idea what he would say to them when they were reunited. He felt that he had a lot to apologize for and they would probably want an explanation as to what had happened. Harry wasn't sure how to deal with any of this at the moment, and in some ways he was grateful that he had been taken away from Hogwarts. At least he would have time to think about things before he was bombarded with several well meaning questions.
"How are you feeling? Remus said you were feeling nauseous earlier," the nurse asked.
"I'm feeling a little better. Just really weak," he replied.
"That is to be expected, so I don't want you out of bed just yet. I'd imagine that you're pretty hungry, but your stomach probably won't be able to handle solid foods yet. I've asked Remus to bring some nice chicken broth up for you. In the morning we can try a bit of porridge and take it from there. If you feel up to it you can try to eat some small meals after that until you are feeling yourself again."
Harry nodded at the information. "When can I take off the bandages?" he asked curiously as he pulled at the edges of the gauze around his wrists.
Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips at the question and looked thoughtful. "Remus will let you know when you may."
Harry wanted to inquire further about the possibility of scarring, but he kept his mouth shut. She wouldn't understand why he needed to know, and he didn't want to initiate a conversation about it.
"Well now, seeing that I'm no longer needed here, I will just show myself out. I'll let Remus know that you are awake again. I'll be visiting you again soon. Take care." She gathered some of her things and took a quick inventory of the potions on the table. Seeing that Remus was still prepared for another few days she turned to leave.
"Thank you," he said softly as she walked out the door. She stopped in the doorway and turned to look at him. She nodded once, her eyes saddened by the fact that she had had to heal the boy once again.
Alone now in the room Harry began to glance around. The walls were indeed a pale yellow, a color he didn't usually like all that much, but somehow if fit the room perfectly. The color was oddly reminiscent of the friendly sun he had seen earlier. The bed and the rest of the furniture were all made from a dark wood. The flooring was of a lighter wood and was covered in a large sisal area rug. He could see that his trunk from Hogwarts had been placed in the far corner of the room, and that some pictures had been placed on the nightstand beside him.
One picture was a color photo of Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Harry hanging out in the Gryffindor common room. They had all be lounging around the couches near the fireplace when Colin had come up and asked to take their picture. Harry never knew that the picture had ever been developed, but he was glad to have a copy. Everyone was smiling at the camera and waving. His own smile looked sad and rather forced on his tired face. Studying the picture carefully, he could see that Ron would shoot him a worried glance every now and then from the corner of his eye. He never broke his smile, but he seemed to be watching his friend just the same. Harry smiled at how much Ron worried and cared for him. Ron was more than just a friend to him. He was his brother, if only in his heart.
The other picture was the black and white photo Draco had given Harry for Christmas. Harry cherished the photo, but he didn't often take it out of his trunk because they were still trying to keep their relationship a secret. Most people only assumed that they were good friends, and that seemed to be the crime of the century. They got whispers wherever they went, and Harry couldn't imagine how much worse the situation would be if the whole school knew the truth. He fingered the frame lovingly wondering when he would see Draco again, or his friends for that matter. He knew deep down that he had just put his friends through hell and he felt guilty for it. Why did everything have to be so damned hard?
He set the picture down and glanced around the room once more. All in all, he was quite pleased with the room. Although somewhat bare, it was rather pleasant. Nothing like he had ever been in before, and certainly not at the Dursleys.
Just then he saw Remus enter the room carrying a steaming cup of broth. "Hi, there," he said cheerfully.
"Hi."
"Feeling better?"
"Yeah."
"Do you want to try some yummy broth?" said Remus sarcastically, trying to lighten the situation. He sniffed it playfully and a look crossed his face like it was the best thing he had ever smelled.
"Sure," said Harry shrugging his shoulders.
Remus handed him the broth and sat down beside him as Harry took a tentative sip. "Do you mind if I hang out with you for a bit?"
"No," said Harry truthfully. He enjoyed Remus's presence. It was like he finally had a parental figure. He missed Sirius deeply, but Remus seemed to have an easier time dealing with him in this fatherly role.
"Do you always answer with one word responses?" he asked jokingly.
"No..." said Harry smiling behind his mug. He was starting to feel a lot of better, and it seemed as if Remus knew how to put him at ease.
"Can we talk about what happened for a little bit?" said Remus more seriously.
"I guess…" said Harry. He dreaded the conversation, but he knew that this wasn't something that Remus would let go.
"I could sit here and ask you some annoying questions or you can just tell me whatever is on your mind," Remus suggested.
"Okay," said Harry, realizing that he hadn't stated which he would prefer. Remus sat quietly with his hands folded as he waited for Harry to continue.
"I wasn't trying to commit suicide…." he said after a long moment of silence.
"You weren't?" said Remus in amazement. Harry took another sip of broth.
"No," he said shaking his head for emphasis.
"Then what would you say happened?" Remus asked curiously.
Harry thought about that for a moment. "I got carried away this time."
"What do you mean?"
Harry took another sip of his broth. It was like they were playing a little game. Harry wasn't offering a whole lot of information. Remus was only questioning him on the things he said so it wasn't like he was being forward, but it was hard to answer him nonetheless. Anytime Harry needed time to think, he sipped some of his broth thoughtfully.
"The cutting… I went too deep this time."
"You have done this before…" Remus looked like he was starting to get upset.
"Yes…"
"How long have you been doing this?"
He raised the mug to his lips once again before he answered. "I'm not sure; maybe since my third year. I can't really say for certain. I really haven't done it all that much."
"Why would you do that to yourself, Harry?" asked Remus incredulously. He took the mug from his hands and set in on the night stand so that he could prevent Harry from trying to avoid his questions any longer. Remus had to know what was going on. He grabbed each one of Harry hands and stared down at the bandages like he was trying to understand.
He shrugged his shoulders. "I-I don't know how to explain it…. y-you wouldn't understand…"
"Try me," said Remus looking into Harry's green eyes. At this point Harry knew that he had nothing left to lose. He had to start trusting someone at some point, didn't he? Maybe Remus could help him.
"W-whenever things get really bad… or if I don't feel like I am in control… I cut myself…mostly my arms but sometimes my legs… I know it sounds stupid, b-but the pain feels good… it feels real… it makes me forget all the shit that his happening to me for bit."
"The pain makes you forget…" said Remus to himself softly, echoing his words. He seemed to be scrolling through some mental index of some kind trying to process what Harry just said to him. Harry wondered if he ever had any experience as a therapist with cutters before, or if he knew how to help them.
"Yeah… I know it sounds stupid…"
"No it doesn't. It sounds to me that you were just trying to cope with what was happening to you. We will need to find a way to help you cope that won't endanger you, okay?"
Harry nodded, not really sure if he could ever give up the cutting. It wasn't like he did it all the time. Right? It was nobody's business what he did to his own body as long as he didn't get carried away again.
"Does anyone else know?"
"Ron and Draco… they found out last summer while I was staying at the Burrow…" Harry didn't say anything else about that hoping that Remus could probably fill in some of the missing details.
"I promised them that I would never do it again… and I kept that promise until that night…"
"Did you feel the need to cut any other times this year?"
"Yeah, lots of times. Sometimes the urge got really bad, but I tried to occupy my mind with something else instead. I would practice Quidditch as often as I could, and I started studying like crazy. It helped me to focus on something else."
"And I just thought Hermione had finally gotten to you…" said Remus smiling at his own weak joke. Harry did not laugh.
"I am proud of you for summoning the strength to find alternatives to cutting yourself. We will have to work on some of those strategies further," said Remus approvingly.
Harry shrugged his shoulders and looked away. Neither one of them said anything for a while. Harry knew what was coming next and he did not feel prepared to answer Remus's probing questions.
"Harry, what happened to cause you to cut your arms?"
Harry said nothing and stared across the room seeing nothing. What do I tell him? Do I tell him the truth? Do I tell him I am hearing Sirius's voice in my head?
"Harry, I won't push you to talk to me. I promised you that long before, but I want to help you. I can't do that until I know the full story. Is it because of what happened on New Year's Eve?"
"Huh?" asked Harry looking back at him. He heard Remus correctly but he wasn't sure how to respond. That night had upset him greatly, but it was not the true cause of why he started cutting again. It was an easy escape though. He could just tell Remus that it was because of New Years and leave it at that, but he desperately wished for someone to give him answers. He was tired of living with secrets, but how do you begin a conversation like that. "Uh.. no…." he answered slowly.
Remus looked saddened that Harry was not being very cooperative. "It's alright Harry… we don't have to discuss everything now. You have been through a lot… You probably want to rest some more. I'll check on you later…"
Remus rose from the bed and turned to leave, but Harry reached out quickly grabbing his arm. "No… please don't leave me…" he said desperately. Harry really didn't want to be alone right now. He was afraid of falling asleep and dreaming about another one of Sirius's memories. Or worse… what if the voice came back…
Seeing the alarmed look on his face, Remus turned around and sat down again on the bed. "Okay, Harry… it's alright. I won't leave. I will stay with you for as long as you want."
He took Harry's hand in his own and stroked the back of it encouragingly. Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was going to be difficult.
"I want to talk to you Remus, but it's just so hard."
"I know, Harry, but you will feel better once you begin to share your problems. Talk to me… You won't feel so alone…"
Harry closed his eyes and took a few calming breaths. This was it. Once he started talking Remus would know everything. "I have been having some really strange dreams… They started up after I used the pensieve…"
"That was why you tried to steal the dreamless sleep potion?" Remus asked, even though he knew the answer already. They had discussed this issue when they had met in his private rooms, but Harry had never revealed what the dreams were about.
"Yes… I was really terrified of them… until I started to understand what they all meant."
"What do you mean?" asked Remus curiously. Harry took a deep breath and decided that it was time to start letting someone in. He had spent far too many years locking his troubles away inside his heart, and it had gotten him no where. Maybe it was time to let this man, who obviously cared for him, start to understand him a little bit more. Draco and his friends were great, but they were no substitution for the type of unconditional love that a parent could provide. Harry desperately wished that Remus would become that person.
Not really knowing how to begin, he finally decided that he would briefly explain each dream and let Remus come to his own conclusions. "They were really confusing and scary at first… one time this man, who I think was supposed to be my father, was yelling at me about something I did at school… then I was sitting by a small dark haired boy beside the lake near Hogwarts explaining why I ran away from home… sometimes I dreamt that I was in the form of a large black dog… in one of those dreams I was watching myself playing Quidditch from the stands, when I almost fell off my broom because of the Dementors… and then I dreamt about escaping from a prison cell in Azkaban…" By now Remus's mouth had dropped open and he was staring at Harry fearfully. "Then I was waiting in Dumbledore's office on the night of the third task of the Triwizard Tournament waiting for me to return with Dumbledore…. there were many more, but in the last dream, I was running around Black Manor dueling with Regulus and Bellatrix in some childhood game…" Harry's voice trailed off while he waited for Remus to say something.
Remus's mouth opened and closed a few times trying to find the words to respond to Harry's strange dreams. When he finally found his voice he said, "Sirius… you were dreaming about Sirius… Sirius?" Remus's eyes moistened slightly and he looked incredibly sad.
Harry felt instantly guilty for what he had done. He had already suffered so much losing his best friend, and now Harry had just gone and made him feel even worse. "I'm sorry…." said Harry, his own eyes filling with tears. "I don't know why I keep getting these dreams… they just won't go away… I shouldn't have told you."
"No, I am glad that you told me. I was just a little shocked is all. I know Sirius's death upset you greatly, but I had no idea to which degree. You must be subconsciously creating these dreams so that you can still have him a part of your life."
"But it's not like that," Harry protested.
"What?"
"I am not creating these dreams. They are memories… Sirius's memories…"
"I'm sorry, Harry. I am sure that is what you believe, but that is not possible," said Remus gripping his hand more tightly.
"It's true! You've got to believe me," said Harry ripping his hand away from Remus. Was he wrong to have trusted him with this information?
"That can't be! You don't just relive some else's memories, Harry," said Remus becoming slightly irritated.
"But I am. You can't dream about things that you never knew happened, but I am!"
"Some of the information in those dreams you could have learned about from Sirius when he was alive... "
"Remus… You've got to believe me. The memories in my dreams are so full of detail there is no way that Sirius could have told me all of that. I relived his escape from Azkaban like I was really there… and I never knew that he talked to his brother by the lake until I dreamed it…"
"Harry, that doesn't mean that it was a memory… I know he and Regulus had some problems, but there is no way to no for sure if they ever met by the lake like you say."
"There is a way," Harry shouted excitedly. "It's all in Sirius's journal you gave me for my birthday."
"What?" asked Remus, his face draining of all color.
"It's in my trunk… if you get it, I will prove it to you…" he said confidently.
Remus stared in Harry's blazing green eyes and saw the sincerity in what he was saying. He rose from the bed and crossed the room to Harry's trunk uncertainly. He rifled through some of the items until he found what he was looking for. Remus then brought the journal to Harry and handed it to him his hands shaking.
Harry quickly flipped to the page he was looking for and then handed it over for Remus to read. The older man quickly read the journal page, his face draining of color even further. He didn't look back up at Harry, but continued to stare at the page trying to make some sense of it.
"Do you see what I mean now? I didn't read that entry until after I had the dream. I am sure of it as I have been about anything. I couldn't have known about it before I had the dream…"
Remus looked up at Harry and saw the hope for understanding, the fear of rejection, and the utter sadness in his eyes. Dropping the journal on the bed, he wrapped his arms tightly around Harry, pressing his face into his robes. Harry hugged the man back using his weakened arms. He rocked Harry back and forth as Remus's own tears streamed down his face.
"Oh, Harry… I am so sorry… why didn't you tell me sooner?"
Harry turned his head to the side so that his voice wouldn't be muffled. It appeared that Remus wasn't going to let go of him anytime soon. He felt comforted by the man's embrace and found strength to say what he needed to next.
"I was afraid that I was going crazy, and I didn't want to hurt you by bringing about the fact that I was reliving your dead best friend's memories," said Harry truthfully.
"You can tell me anything, Harry, no matter how painful or sad it may seem. I would never want you to suffer something alone. I will be here for you no matter what comes our way."
"Thank you…" whispered Harry.
"Does anyone else know about the dreams?"
"D-Draco…."
"Did you cut your arms because of a dream that you had?" Remus asked probing further. He hoped that he hadn't pushed Harry too far and that he would be willing to say this last piece. However, he did not expect the answer that he received.
"No," Harry whispered as he began to sob.
"Than what was it? Harry, tell me what's wrong," said Remus as he rubbed comforting circles on the boy's back.
Harry continued to cry for a few seconds as he tried to find the words to reveal his secret. Finally he managed to choke the words out, "I heard Sirius's voice calling to me for help… while I was awake…" His sobs continued as Remus processed what he just said.
"You heard Sirius calling for help?"
Harry nodded into Remus's shoulder not really knowing if he would be able to say more now.
"I don't know what that can mean Harry… but I promise you … we will figure this all out… "
"I feel like I'm going crazy…" he said continuing to sob.
"I know, Harry, I know… this can't be easy… but cutting your arms is not going to solve anything…"
"I know! I just felt so out of control… all those weird dreams and my memories of my past came pounding down upon me… I just wanted it to all go away…" he said while sobbing. He was amazed that he was even able to tell Remus that much. It was if someone else was speaking for him while he cried inside.
"Shh…." said Remus, kissing his forehead and rocking him again. "It will be okay…."
They held each other for a long while, Remus all the while whispering comforting words into Harry's ear. To Harry, it felt as if a load had been lifted off of his shoulders. He had never been held like that for so long and he was relishing the attention. After a long while, when it seemed that Harry had cried his heart out, they lay down in bed and fell asleep. Harry was well aware of Remus's presence all night, but it did not frighten him or feel awkward. He felt loved, and he suspected that this is what it might feel like to sleep beside a parent after having a nightmare. Only in Harry's case, his life was a living nightmare.
The next morning, Harry awoke to find himself alone in bed. Last night had been pretty tense and he wondered how Remus would act around him today. He would hate to be treated any differently. He was a little sad to see Remus gone, but his spirits lifted when he saw him enter the room with a tray of food.
"I thought you might like some breakfast in bed," said Remus helping Harry to sit up and placing the tray in front of him.
"Porridge?" asked Harry scrunching up his face. He was never a big fan of the stuff.
"I know it's not the world's best breakfast, but I am under strict orders from Madam Pomfrey. If your stomach can handle this then you can try to eat more later."
"Okay," said Harry as he took a tentative bite of the mushy substance. Surprisingly it tasted pretty good. He was sure that Remus had seasoned it with maple syrup and brown sugar because it was the sweetest porridge he had ever had.
To his relief, Remus did not bring up anything that Harry had said to him last night. He suspected that he was trying to give him a little breathing room so that he didn't feel overwhelmed. He wondered when Remus would want to talk about any of it again.
After his small meal it was decided that Harry should try to get out of bed. He made a few laps around the bedroom, stretching his limbs. Although somewhat weak, he was feeling pretty good so they made their way down to the bathroom so that Harry could shower. It had been almost two weeks since Harry had bathed and he was starting to smell like it.
The bathroom was quite quaint. The lower half of the wall was done in white tiling, while the upper half was painted cornflower blue. Harry found two large while fluffy towels laid out for him on the counter, along with a fresh set of clothes, a comb, and a tooth brush and toothpaste. Remus was about to leave him to shower when Harry quickly turned to ask him a question.
"Can I take off the bandages now?" he asked.
Remus sighed deeply and said that he may. Harry quietly closed the door, stripped off his pajamas, and began to unwind the bandages. To his dismay, he did not like what he found.
There were a few neat lines on his pale skin where he had cut himself before, but the rest of his arms held a jagged array of angry red lines that crisscrossed their way up his arms at odd angles. Madame Pomfrey had done an amazing job healing him, but there was an ugly scar everywhere he had sliced his arms open. He had hoped there wouldn't be any scars from that night. He realized now that he hadn't been in control when he had started to cut himself. Maybe he was suicidal at the time, because if he had been in control then every cut would have been precise and neat like the others. He shook his head sadly as he looked at the mess he made. He then reached out and traced each horrid raised scar with the tip of his finger causing a burning sensation to erupt everywhere he touched his arm. Would anything ever be the same?
He finally came out of his trance like state and started the shower. Half an hour later, Harry was washed and fully dressed. Not knowing what else he should do, and curious as to where Remus was, he began to explore the house on his own looking for him.
He discovered there were three bedrooms in all upstairs. The other two rooms were similar in size to Harry's but decorated quite differently. The room that he presumed to be Remus's looked similar to his private rooms at Hogwarts and the other room was stark white with navy blue and red accents.
He made his way down the stairs to the lower level and soon noticed that the rest of the house contrasted dramatically from the room upstairs. The main floor was rather large and had more of an open floor plan concept. Where as the rooms upstairs had been dry-walled and painted skillfully; the living room, dining area, and kitchen exposed the logs that had been used to build the cabin and gave it a cozy feel. Remus had called the place a tiny cabin, but it was certainly larger than the Burrow and the house on Privet Drive.
A large stone fireplace, ablaze with a fire, was the focal point of the main floor, and huge bookshelves flanked the hearth on either side. Large couches and chairs were arranged in an intimate seating arrangement in front to the fireplace and in the far corner. The kitchen and the dining area were on either side of the main doorway and large windows illustrated the picturesque scenery outside that surrounded the cabin. The furnishings were much more rustic looking than of those upstairs and didn't really match each other all that well, but somehow complimented the house nicely. Harry loved it all. It felt like a home.
He had yet to find Remus, and he wondered if the man might have flooed somewhere for supplies. A movement caught his eye just outside the window, and he walked closer to get a better look. Upon first glance it appeared as if Remus were dancing because he was swaying back and forth. Curious as ever, he opened the front door and found Remus sweeping some of the snow off of the porch with a broom. Amazingly, the porch seemed to wrap around the entire cabin.
"Hi," said Harry watching him. He wrapped his arms around his body trying to keep out the cold.
"Oh, hey there. Sorry… I was just tidying up a bit…" said Remus smiling as he set the broom aside.
"Couldn't you just use magic to do that?"
"Yeah, but it feels good to put your hands to work too. Did you get a chance to explore the house?"
"Yeah, it's great!" said Harry enthusiastically.
"Well, I am glad that you like it. Let me show you around some more."
Before going inside, Harry quickly took in the surrounding landscape. The scenery was breathtaking. The cabin was the only structure in sight that Harry could see in the wild forest. The lake that lay no more than a hundred yards from the cabin was completely covered in ice. Tall evergreens surrounded the lake towering over it like sentinels guarding their secret treasure. A wooden boardwalk had been built leading from the cabin to the shore, where it was expanded to create a dock that loomed out over the water's surface. A thick blanket of snow covered everything in sight, and icy crystals hung from the bough of every tree limb. The sun had chosen to make another spectacular appearance again and the snow and ice glittered in the bright light. Harry briefly wondered what the land looked like during the other seasons and imagined that they were equally breathtaking.
The pair spent the afternoon talking idly about different things. Mostly Remus explained the history of the old house. His parents decided to move to the house after Remus was bitten by a werewolf. They were ostracized in the wizarding community they lived in so they came out to the country to live more peacefully. A cage was erected in the basement to house Remus when he went through his transformations each month. Apparently the structure of the house was a compromise between his parents. His mother was more of a city gal, where his father liked the great outdoors, so the house was split among their tastes in decorating.
Before long, Harry was feeling rather tired, so he was told to go take a nap before dinner. His body was still recovering form his ordeal and he didn't want to push himself too much.
Harry later found himself awakened by a wonderful scent. He followed his nose and soon found Remus cooking in the kitchen. He walked silently over towards the kitchen and leaned up against one of the posts that supported the main floor. He watched as the man hurried about the kitchen using a mixture of Muggle and wizard cooking methods. There appeared to be a couple of pots being heated by the gas burners on the stove top, but the spoons in each were stirring all on their own.
Remus had yet to notice Harry watching him. He grabbed one of the stirring spoons and lifted it to his mouth tasting the red sauce that was dripping from it. He then got a funny look on his face and waved his hand back and forth in front of his open mouth. Apparently the sauce was hotter than he had anticipated. He rushed to the sink and gulped a mouthful of water from the tap without using a glass.
He then set about washing and cutting up a head of lettuce for a salad when he heard the bubbling and sizzling sound from one of the pots that was about to boil over. A look of panic crossed his face and he used his wand to put out the pilot light on the stove. Only then did he notice Harry, who was trying hard not to suppress a giggle from where he stood.
"Sorry, I am not the best cook around, but I try my best," said Remus with a sheepish grin.
"That's alright. I can help you if you want. I did a lot of cooking for the Durs…" Harry didn't finish his sentence. He hated telling people about his time with his awful relatives.
Remus looked at him thoughtfully and shook his head. "Why don't I worry about the cooking… at least for tonight… you just sit down and relax."
"Can I at least set the table?" asked Harry hopefully. He wanted to find some ways in which to repay Remus's kindness.
"If you feel you must…" said Remus jokingly. "The plates and glasses are in the cupboards over there…" he said pointing behind him. "The silverware is in one of these drawers… um… you're going to have to hunt around for that. It's been a while since I lived here."
Harry found everything fairly easy because he had an idea where the items would most likely be since he knew his way in general around kitchens. He filled their glasses with pumpkin juice from the refrigerator and filled a couple of bowls with the salad Remus had made. Just as he had finished Remus whirled around and grabbed their plates so that he could fill them with his meal.
"Bon apetit!" he said enthusiastically as he set the plates back down. "I hope you like spaghetti and meatballs!"
"Yum!" said Harry as he dived in. Surprisingly, everything was delicious. It was a simple meal really, just spaghetti and salad, but it tasted heavenly after not having anything in his stomach for over a week.
They sat and ate in relative silence not really knowing what to say. Harry felt full rather soon and sat back completely satiated. It was the most he had eaten in a long while.
"Thanks Remus, that was really good," said Harry genuinely.
"No problem, Harry. I wanted your first meal in your new house to be somewhat special," said Remus smiling.
New house? Harry knew that he would be staying with Remus in the summers, but he had never really thought of it as his house before.
"What's wrong Harry?"
"Oh, nothing… it's just… you said that this was my new house…"
"I know it's not much and you deserve so much more, but I am offering you a chance to live with a crazy old man who has lots of stories to tell."
"So… this house is mine now too?" he asked trying to make sense of such a foreign concept.
"Of course it is. I gave you a key, didn't I? You're family now. This place belongs to you now as much as me. You will be welcomed here for the rest of you life… that is if you still want to live with me…"
"I do," said Harry smiling. "I do." He came around the dinner table and hugged Remus warmly. Maybe things weren't so bad after all.
A/N: Wow! That was a long chapter! Actually it is my longest ever! I know, I know. Draco was missing once again, right? We will see him and the others again soon. Don't you worry! I know you are all dying to know about Sirius calling out to Harry. I promise it will all make sense in a couple more chapters. I don't want to rush things.
I was simply overwhelmed with the large number of responses I got from you all. You have no idea what it means to me. Many thanks to all my readers and my beta Drae!