A/N: Just a quick note. If you have the time, go back and reread the prologue. I am hoping that you will discover that it all makes a lot more sense now that you know a little more of the details.
Chapter 19- Emotional Confrontations
Dear Journal,
I was a little apprehensive about writing about what I was feeling in here, but once Remus assured me that I could put the same wards on it as I do on my pensieve, I figured I'd at least give it a shot. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be writing about. Remus says that writing can help me with my "emotional pain." It is supposed to be my alternative to cutting, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to stop completely. It's like a security blanket. I can always go back to it if I need to when things get too bad.
Remus caught me again yesterday playing with a safety pin. He ripped it from my hands and yelled at me angrily. I know he is looking out for me, but sometimes I don't feel like he truly understands. I never did actually pierce my skin with it. I was just toying with the idea after I awoke from another nightmare. These dreams are getting pretty extreme, and I don't really feel that Remus is being all that helpful with them. He refuses to give me a dreamless sleep potion and seems at a loss as to how to prevent them. Oddly enough I'm unable to remove them from my memory and place them in the pensieve. And herbal teas can only do so much.
My wand has been confiscated to prevent me from transfiguring anything that I could use to harm myself. All the knives in the house have been locked in one of the kitchen drawers. It was only by pure chance that I came across a few safety pins in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Remus doesn't know that I have hidden the two pins I have left in my trunk just in case I need them.
Sometimes I wonder why Remus ever really bothers with me. It's not like I am his godson or anything. He has no ties to me other than that he was friends with my father at one time. So why does he even bother? He sure puts on a good front around me trying to be cheerful and upbeat all the time, but there is sadness in his eyes and I know he is just as confused about this whole mess as I am. I wish he could just open up to me and tell me what he is thinking sometimes. I am almost afraid to ask because the truth may be unbearable. What if he feels obligated to take care of me? I don't want to be anyone's burden...
After nearly a week holed up in this place I'm thoroughly sick of being here. The metaphorical honeymoon is over! I was so happy when I first learned I was staying in Remus's cabin, where I'll be spending my summers and holidays. I felt safe around him, and not just because of the numerous wards that surround the property. I even enjoyed being taken care of for a while. But now I just feel irritated all the time. I'm not used to being looked after 24/7, and I feel like Remus is constantly questioning me about how I'm feeling during our sessions. He never pressures me to talk, but he asks his questions just the same. I don't even know what to say to him any more, and I hate feeling like I am being smothered. It's hard when your therapist lives with you. You feel like you're never given a break.
Boredom is a funny thing. When I was living with the Dursleys there were days, maybe even weeks, when I was left alone locked in my cupboard or Dudley's second bedroom; somehow knowing that I couldn't help my situation kept the boredom at bay. I resigned myself to my fate and tried not to let it get to me. I always managed to entertain myself somehow, especially when I was very young. Now that I have freedom, so to speak, I find that I am staring at these walls in agony. I am sick of reading, and I have already completed all the homework the professors sent me. It's too cold to go outside and fly, and there is not much to do in the house besides watching television or listening to the radio. Not having anything else to do, I find myself watching the small telly listlessly lying on the sofa for hours on end. I am not even interested in the programs that I am watching; I just have nothing else to do.
I miss Hogwarts desperately. I want a sense of normalcy again in my life but Remus is worried that returning to school right now may be too overwhelming. Maybe he is right. I miss my friends and Draco more than words can say but I'm terrified to see them again. What they must think of me… I don't even know…Do they hate me? Will they understand? Remus says that I can write to them whenever I want, but I am at a loss as to what to say to them, so I don't write at all. I am not sure I will ever be able to face them again. I am too ashamed of the freak I have become….
"Harry…" Remus called from downstairs.
"Yeah?" Harry shouted down, pushing himself up on his bed where he had been lying while he wrote in his new journal.
"You have a visitor…" said Remus.
Visitor? What visitor? No one told him that anybody would be coming by today. Was it Dumbledore or one of the other professors? Or was it one of his friends? His heart started pounding in his chest as he started to panic. He wasn't ready to see anyone just yet. What would he tell them?
Harry closed his journal and placed it in his trunk. He then slid out into the hallway shaking from head to toe. He didn't know what to do. He stood in the hallway for a good five minutes trying to think about the situation. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to make himself go down there right now.
"R-Remus? I don't want any visitors right now. Tell them I'm sorry…" he shouted down. He leaned against the wall near his bedroom doorway and waited for a reply.
Remus came into view at the bottom of the stairs and looked up at him smiling. "Oh… I think you will want to see this visitor…" he said wiping his hands on a dish towel. The tall man was still cleaning up after their most recent meal.
"Is it one of my friends?" Harry asked carefully.
"Nope," said Remus still smiling. Harry stood up and took a step forward.
"Is it one of the professors?"
"Nope," said Remus. "Just come on down. It's a good surprise. I promise."
Harry took a deep breath and began his descent down the stair case. He hesitated at the bottom looking around the cabin. Upon first glance he didn't see anyone or anything. But then he saw the most wonderful sight perched on the back of one of the dining room chairs.
"Hedwig!" Harry shouted with glee as he rushed across the floor to reach his beloved pet. The snowy owl hooted and nipped at his finger affectionately. He stroked her silky feathers slowly, thinking about how long it had been since he had last laid eyes on her.
"I told you that it was a good surprise," said Remus good-naturedly, coming up behind him.
"You were right… It's just that I thought… that maybe one of…"
"It's alright. I understand. You're nervous about seeing your friends again."
Harry nodded as he continued to pet his bird. After a short while Hedwig impatiently held out her leg to him when Harry failed to notice the letter that was still attached.
"I have a letter…" he said thoughtfully.
"I know," said Remus as he settled himself in a sofa over near the fireplace.
"Do you know who it's from?" asked Harry curiously as he followed the older man towards the living room area.
"No, but I have a good idea. Just open it," he said encouragingly.
Harry sat across from him on the other couch and stared at the rolled up piece of parchment wonderingly. Taking a deep breath he opened the letter and began reading quietly to himself.
Dearest Harry,
I hope that you are doing well and that you are making a full recovery. After pestering Madame Pomfrey incessantly she finally revealed to us that you had awakened at last. I am so glad that you are alright. We are all so worried about you, and I hope you understand just how much we all love and care about you.
I hope that you are taking advantage of the time you have with Remus and that you relax. You have been through so much. You deserve this break so that you can begin to heal properly.
I love you so much that it hurts to write this letter. But I don't know what else to do. The headmaster asked us not to write or contact you until you were feeling better, but I couldn't wait any longer. I'm sorry, but I fear that I am writing to you for selfish purposes. When you are ready I think you need to see Ron and Draco. They are tearing themselves up inside about all of this and I have never seen either one of them look so withdrawn. They aren't doing well at all, Harry. Neither of them is eating or sleeping, and they have both been skipping classes rather frequently. Oddly enough, they each think that they were the reason why you chose to hurt yourself, yet they bicker openly blaming the other. I don't know what to do. Nothing I have tried seems to work. They can't go on like this. Please don't feel like I am blaming you. This is not your fault, Harry. I understand how much you are going through, but they need you so desperately. And if I am right, you need them as well. When you are ready, try to reach out to them instead of pushing them away like before. Just seeing you would probably make them feel a whole lot better.
I, too, need to see that you are alright with my own eyes… but it is probably more important that you see Ron and Draco first. You have no idea what it has been like… I have never been so scared in all my life… I think of you as my brother, Harry, and the mere thought that we almost lost you is more than I can bear. I wish that I could have been a better friend to you. Maybe then you wouldn't have needed to take such drastic measures. I can't even imagine what you are going through…I am so sorry… If there is anything I can do to help please do not hesitate to tell me. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you.
Think about what I said Harry; embrace those that you love. Don't push us away… we need you so much…
My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Love Always,
Hermione
When Harry had finished reading he could tell that the letter was tear-stained. Smudges covered a good majority of the document, and Hermione wasn't the type to allow her work to contain ink smudges. Usually she was so meticulous about these types of things. Harry took another deep breath realizing how he had practically held his breath the entire time he read the letter. His head was swirling again with emotions again. Were Draco and Ron really as distraught as Hermione made them out to be? How would they react when Harry saw them again?
"Was it Hermione?" asked Remus, carefully watching Harry's reaction.
"Yes, how did you know?" he asked looking up.
"She contacted me once before asking how you were doing. I thought it might be her."
Harry nodded and sat back thinking about what he just read. He stared into the flames in the fireplace trying to figure things out. Hearing a flap of wings he looked up to see Hedwig fly across the room and land on the back of the couch behind his head. Sensing that her friend was upset she nuzzled him with her head. Harry absentmindedly reached up and stroked her with his fingers.
"What are you thinking about?" asked Remus. The tone in his voice sounded somewhat different than before.
Harry looked at the serious nature of Remus's face and then realized why Remus's demeanor had suddenly changed. He glanced at his watch and groaned when he noticed the time. It was six o'clock already.
"Do we have to do this now?" Harry asked irritably.
"Harry, you know we have a session every night at six. We might as well get started. The letter has obviously upset you. If you are willing, I would like to know what you are thinking about."
Harry thought about what he wanted to say for a long while. Remus, as always, waited patiently with his quill and paper that he summoned in his hand. Harry knew that he liked to sometimes take notes so that he could analyze what Harry was feeling later that evening. Remus had a large collection of books about therapy and healing hidden in his bedroom upstairs. Harry sometimes saw a light on in his room in the wee hours of the morning and he wondered how those books could possibly ever help him. What did those muggle and wizarding authors know about what he had been through?
"Hermione thinks that I should see Draco and Ron when I am feeling up to it. She says that they aren't doing so well," Harry said finally.
"Why do you think that is?"
"I don't know…I'm not them," said Harry irritably.
"Think about it for a moment. Why might they be so upset?" Remus asked pushing Harry a little further.
"Because they think I tried to kill myself," Harry admitted crossing his arms over his chest.
"How might that affect them?"
"I don't know…"
"Do you think they might be sad?"
"Yeah, maybe," said Harry.
"Well, wouldn't you be sad if either of them died."
"Well, yes, of course I would," said Harry angrily.
"Calm down. I am just trying to make you realize that your friends care as deeply for you as you do for them."
Harry nodded slightly looking back at the fire.
"Do you want to see Ron and Draco?"
Harry thought about the question carefully. "Yes," he replied honestly. "But I am really scared of what their reactions might be. I don't know what to say to them. What if they ask me to explain what happened that day?"
"Why not tell them the truth?" asked Remus.
Harry snorted. "Yeah, right! Tell them I'm hearing Sirius's voice in my head! Oh that will go over well. It would be like second year all over again, only this time it would be worse!"
"Why not? You don't give your friends enough credit. They have stood beside through almost everything. Draco already knows about the dreams. Don't you think that he might understand about hearing the voice as well?"
"I don't know, maybe. What if they think I'm crazy?" he asked fearfully.
"Then send them to me and I will set them straight," said Remus, like it was the most obvious answer.
Harry thought about what Remus said and it sort of made sense. Although Remus believed Harry about the dreams they were both somewhat worried about him hearing voices. Harry had been really afraid that he may be developing schizophrenia or something. In response to his growing paranoia, Remus put Harry through a battery of tests over several days looking for possible mental illnesses. The only thing that had come back conclusive was that Harry suffered from severe depression, which was tied to his need to cut himself. Otherwise he was mentally healthy so to speak, which was surprising considering what Harry had been through over the years. They had yet to determine the real cause that Harry was hearing Sirius's voice. The possibilities that Harry could think of all seemed too scary to voice openly.
"Okay… do you think you could arrange for them to come here?" he asked.
"Sure I'll set it all up whenever you are ready. Do you want to see them together or individually?"
"As much as I love Draco, I think I need to see Ron first. He was the one who found me and that had to be really hard on him."
Remus looked like he wanted to say something more about that but held back. "Alright, just let me know when you are ready."
The day finally came in which Harry would see Ron. He was so nervous about seeing him again that he hadn't eaten a thing all day. Not having anything else to do while he waited, Harry sat upstairs in his bedroom reading a novel from Remus's library. To tell the truth he hadn't a clue what the book was about. He had reread the same paragraph a dozen times already. He couldn't seem to make himself concentrate as his stomach did flip flops.
Soon he heard a soft knock on his door. Taking a deep breath he answered, "Come in..."
Ron pushed open the door and stood in the doorway staring at Harry in disbelief. Harry, who had been sitting upon the bed, stood up to greet him, a little unsure of himself.
"Hi," said Harry, running his hand through his thick head of hair.
"Hey mate," said Ron now looking anywhere but directly at Harry. Hermione was right; Ron did look quite awful. There were dark circles under his eyes and he seemed slightly thinner than usual. Whether it was from a recent growth spurt or his sudden lack of appetite Harry couldn't decide.
"You can come in you know," said Harry laughing slightly as he sat back down on his bed.
"Okay," said the red head in a soft voice. Harry could see that Ron was shaking like leaf when he came to sit down beside him. He was apparently as nervous about this little meeting as Harry was.
"Nice room you've got here," said Ron taking in everything. The room looked a little more lived in than when Harry first arrived. Harry was finally able to hang up some of the Quidditch posters he had been collecting in his trunk over the years. He also put up a Hogwarts flag in Gryffindor colors and some more pictures of his friends and family. "Do you like living here with Remus?" asked Ron.
"Yeah, it's alright, I guess. Beats the Dursleys right?"
Ron looked at him surprised by his dark humor. Harry looked away feeling stupid for saying something so awful. He truly loved living with Remus so why was he being such a prat?
Suddenly Harry felt himself embraced roughly in Ron's arms. He stiffened at first when he felt the contact, but when he realized that Ron was crying he wrapped his own arms around him. After a long while, Ron pulled back hastily wiping his tears away.
"Sorry…"
"Are you alright?" Harry asked his best friend. He had never seen Ron look so pale or nervous before.
Ron shook his head no. "Do you know what it was like finding you like that Harry? You were covered in so much blood!" The tears started rolling down his freckled face once again as he squeezed his eyes shut. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and placed his hands on his face. This was going to be just as hard as Harry thought it would be.
"I know. I'm sorry. I never meant for you to find me like that," said Harry putting a comforting arm around his friend's shoulder.
"Well, it's a good thing that I did. You almost died, Harry!" he yelled bitterly. Ron seemed almost angry about the fact that he had come close to death.
"I know… but you need to understand that I wasn't trying to kill myself…. I wasn't trying to commit s-suicide."
"You weren't?" asked Ron blinking at him in disbelief.
"No…"
"So what happened? Were you just trying to cut yourself again?" Ron looked at him with an odd mixture of curiosity and anger.
"Yeah, you could say that," said Harry softly.
"Well that's not much better. You promised us Harry! You said that you wouldn't cut again after last summer. You said that you would come to one of us when things got too bad…" Ron was nearly shouting by now.
"I know… I-I just didn't feel like I could tell you guys what was w-wrong…"
"It's because of me, isn't it?" said Ron looking thoroughly devastated. "It's because I gave you that ultimatum!" Ron's face was riddled with guilt and pain, and Harry hated knowing that he made his best friend feel so distraught.
"No… it's not that…" Ron didn't seem to hear him, however.
"I am so s-sorry Harry… when I t-told you that you had to chose between me and Draco I had no idea that it would upset you so much…I thought I was looking out for what was best for you… I know I was just being an idiot…"
Harry had been trying to get a word in edgewise, but Ron was nearly sobbing now as he spilled his heart out to Harry. He clearly believed that he was the reason that Harry had cut himself again. Ron wouldn't listen to a thing that Harry was trying to say and just continued with his tirade.
Seeing no other option he shook Ron firmly by the shoulders. "Ron, look at me!"
"What?" he asked, his blue eyes blurred with tears.
"None of this was your fault, okay?" Harry said to him trying to get the taller boy to look into his eyes.
"You're just saying that to make me feel better!"
"No, Ron, it's the truth. I have some problems that I haven't told you about, okay?"
"What kind of problems?" asked Ron. When it looked as if Harry didn't want to continue he added, "Please Harry, let me help you!"
"I am not sure if you will believe me…" said Harry.
"I will stand beside you no matter what Harry Potter. Nothing you can say would ever make me leave your side," said Ron with more warmth and compassion than Harry had ever heard him express.
With much resignation Harry told Ron his long story. He explained each of the dreams briefly like he did with Remus, but Ron wasn't as quick to pick up on Harry's subtle clues. Harry had to literally re-explain each dream again after he told Ron his theory that he was reliving Sirius's memories just to make him understand. He had to then show Ron Sirius's journal before he was fully able to understand the implications. For some reason Ron had a much easier time believing that Harry was hearing Sirius's voice calling out to him for help. Harry wondered if it was because he had heard voices in his second year when there was a Basilisk slithering through the pipes of Hogwarts. Ron seemed to mull over what Harry had said for a little while before he spoke again.
"Harry, can I ask you a question?" asked Ron thoughtfully.
"Sure…"
"Is that why you said those things to me when I found you?" asked Ron curiously.
Harry was shocked by Ron's question. He had no idea what he was talking about. "I don't remember. What did I say?" Harry asked, a little afraid of what he might hear.
"I can't remember exactly, but you were pleading with me to 'make the voice stop' and that you 'couldn't take it anymore'," said Ron.
"Oh… yeah that was why," said Harry. He remembered feeling completely hopeless as Sirius begged him for his help. The guilt over his death had never been as strong as that moment. His throat felt thick again and he was having difficulty swallowing for some reason. A small tear escaped the corner of his eye. He tried to wipe it away before Ron noticed it, but he was too late. His friend was looking at him sadly.
"Have you heard Sirius's voice again since that night?"
"No, but I have had a few more dreams," said Harry, sniffing.
"Harry, we'll figure this out okay?" said Ron, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I hope so," said Harry. "Thanks for being there for me, Ron." Ron smiled at him sadly. He knew that Harry meant more than just saving his life that day, he meant Ron's constant support on a daily basis as well.
"Can I ask you a favor?"
"Sure," said Ron, willing to do anything at this point to help Harry.
"Will you explain everything to Hermione for me?" he asked hopefully.
"Sure…. but wouldn't it be better coming from you?"
Harry looked at Ron searchingly hoping that he would comprehend how hard it was having to tell him. Ron studied him carefully and nodded in understanding.
"Why didn't you tell any of us about this sooner?" asked Ron.
"Well, I did tell Draco about the dreams, but only because he found me after I had woken up from one of them. But I guess the real reason I kept this all to myself was that I was scared and confused. I thought I might be seriously going crazy, and I didn't know what all of you would think of me. I even had Remus give me some psychological tests to prove I wasn't."
"Well, whatever your reasons were I hope you realize in the future that your friends will always be there no matter what. We love you mate!" Ron gave him another big brotherly hug.
"Thanks Ron, I appreciate it. Hey, before you leave will you do me a favor?"
"Sure…" said Ron, wondering what Harry could possibly ask of him.
"Will you play chess with me? I am bored out of my mind right now!" Ron laughed at his exaggeration, but eagerly agreed.
He and Ron played three games of chess, and he lost each time to his best friend. Harry wouldn't have it any other way. The evening had turned out a lot better than he could have ever anticipated. Remus was right; he never gave his friends enough credit. He hoped that his visit with Draco tomorrow would be equally successful, although they did have a few more things to work out.
Later that evening, after Ron left, Remus came to check in on him before bed.
"Hey, I need to tell you something," he said softly. He sat beside Harry who was lying in the bed trying to read the book he started earlier.
"What is it?" asked Harry. Remus had that serious look on his face. The one he got when he had to deliver some important, yet disturbing news.
"Ron didn't have the heart to tell you this earlier, but it would appear that most of the student body thinks that you tried to commit suicide…"
"What? Why? Is someone spreading rumors about me?"
"No… not really. Harry you need to understand that when Ron found you, he wasn't thinking about anyone else finding out what had happened. He was more concerned with saving your life. He ran with you in his arms all the way from Gryffindor tower towards the infirmary. Unfortunately the students were all on their way to classes and many of them saw Ron carrying you. Your arms were quite bloody so they put two and two together. I am sure that they told their housemates and the gossip spread."
"Just great... lets add that to the list of reasons why my life sucks…" said Harry bitterly.
"I'm sorry kiddo. I just through you might like to know before you go back to school so that you would feel prepared," Remus tried to reason.
"When am I going back?" asked Harry inquisitively.
"I am not sure. Probably soon. Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I guess. I think I am going to just go to bed. It's been a long day," said Harry. Although it was only nine o'clock at night, Harry felt like it was much later. Emotionally he was exhausted and all he could think about at this point was getting some rest. Hopefully the nightmares would stay away tonight.
"Alright, see you in the morning," said Remus tucking him in.
Harry lay there for while thinking about everything that had happened that day. It was great seeing Ron again, but his visit with his best friend brought back a lot of unpleasant memories. He wondered for the umpteenth time that day how his visit with Draco tomorrow would go. He was probably more nervous about seeing him than he had been about seeing Ron. Now he had a new dilemma to deal with as well… how was he going to handle everyone's questions about what had happened and why he had been gone for so long. His fellow Gryffindors had an insatiable curiosity about these types of things and they wouldn't let up until they received some bit of information that satisfied their need. He wondered how Ron and Hermione had been dealing with all of this. Maybe they had already played defense when it came to his dorm mates….
Just as he started to nod off he heard a knock at the door. "Harry, you have a visitor downstairs," said Remus softly, poking his head into the bedroom.
"Who?" said Harry clearly frustrated. He was glad that his visit with Ron had gone so well, but he wasn't sure if he was up to anymore visitors especially after what he had learned. He hadn't scheduled a day to meet with Hermione yet, and his visit with Draco wasn't until tomorrow.
"Grab a robe or something and I will explain," said Remus.
He got up and grabbed a robe to put on over his pajamas. The more he thought about this late night guest the more curious he became. A small part of him wanted who ever it was down there to just go away, but another part of him was touched that someone else had come to see him. He understood Remus's reasons for trying to isolate Harry somewhat during all of this, but he had been feeling rather lonely before Ron's visit. Remus was great, but he was no substitute for the kind of friendship he had now come to rely on.
"Who is it?" Harry demanded again now that he stood beside Remus in the hallway.
"Draco…" Remus whispered quietly.
"Really?" he asked smiling broadly. He hadn't stopped thinking about Draco since Harry had come here and he was really dying to see him again. His communication with his friends had been nonexistent until this week.
"I told him that he should just wait until tomorrow, but he seemed a little insistent. Apparently he found out that Ron was here earlier. He refuses to leave until he sees you."
"Okay, I guess I could go talk to him," said Harry. His voice sounded strong, but he was truly shaking inside. Now that the reality of the situation had set in, he wasn't entirely sure he was ready to face him yet. This was all so sudden. He made to walk toward the stairs, but Remus put a hand on his shoulder to stop him before he could go any further.
"Wait Harry… I need to warn you… he is a little angry right now…" Remus whispered fiercely into his ear. Harry was surprised by the sudden warning.
Harry opened his mouth to ask why Draco was angry, but he thought better of it. He thought he already knew why. Draco was probably mad that he had cut his arms again. He had promised Draco and Ron that he would never do that again, and if he ever felt like he needed to that he would come to one of them first.
"Alright… thanks…" Harry murmured as he entered the darkened hallway. He walked down the stairs slowly trying to think of what he would say when he would finally see his beloved again, but he couldn't find any words that seemed right. He sighed deeply and entered the living room area.
Harry quickly saw that Draco was standing in front of the fireplace with his arms crossed over his chest and his back to him. Gorgeous as ever, he was wearing a pair of loose fitting jeans and a charcoal knit sweater. Harry felt a little awkward now wearing only a pair of pajamas. He didn't feel that he had prepared properly for this meeting and he wished now that he had checked his appearance before he came down here. Unlike Draco's blond locks, which were cascading down on either side of this face loosely, Harry's mane was probably as unruly as ever.
Taking a moment to run his hand through his dark hair, Harry walked towards the tall blond and stood behind him for a moment hesitantly. He didn't want to startle him, but he didn't know what to say either. For some reason Harry sensed that Draco knew he was in the room. He had probably heard his footsteps, but he had yet to turn around and greet him.
In the end, Harry decided to take a step forward and reach out to him. He placed his hand tentatively Draco's shoulder. "Draco?"
"I hate you," Draco whispered, as his body stiffened. Harry was startled. He had not expected him to say that!
"W-what?" asked Harry in utter shock, removing his hand from his shoulder.
"I hate you…" Draco whispered angrily. He then turned around to face Harry, his arms still crossed. Harry looked up into his pale eyes and saw they were quite glassy with emotion. "I hate you for almost leaving me…"
"What do you mean?" asked Harry feeling completely bewildered. Harry noticed for the first time how awful Draco looked. He seemed much thinner since the last time he had seen him and he had dark circles under his eyes, much like Ron did. Hermione was right to have written to him. Both boys were a complete mess.
"What do you think I mean? You tried to kill yourself…and you nearly succeeded. What would I have done if I'd lost you..." said Draco angrily. Harry stared at Draco intently, too afraid to look away. The small boy was completely bewildered. He had never expected Draco to act like that towards him. Harry searched Draco's face, hoping to gain some understanding of the boy's passionate display of emotions. It was clear by the look in Draco's eyes now that he was in complete distress.
He thought about how he would feel if Draco had died, or if he had seen him near death, and he was filled with a deep ache in his chest. Was this how Draco felt right now? "I'm sorry…" said Harry softly.
Tearing his eyes away, Draco looked to the ceiling in hopes of drying the tears before they threatened to fall. He looked completely miserable as his bottom lip began quivering uncontrollably. Harry couldn't stand to see Draco this way anymore and he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his chest.
"I'm so sorry… I love you…" he said pressing his head into the crook of Draco's neck. His breath was warm on his skin.
The mental barriers that Draco had put up to protect himself from everything came tumbling down. With those three precious words, he broke down completely. He wrapped his arms tightly around Harry trying to bring the smaller boy even closer, and began to sob.
Draco, overwhelmed by his own emotions, fell to his knees bringing Harry down with him. They sat there in this half seated and kneeling position clinging to one another desperately. Their souls quietly cried out in agony as they were once again reunited. Other than death, fate would never be able to tear these two apart again. Life had thrown many curve balls, and yet they were still willing to play the game.
Harry held onto him tightly, feeling both of their bodies shake ever so slightly. He had missed Draco's touch desperately all those weeks they were apart. He was no where near ready to pick up their relationship in regards to sexual intimacy, not after what happened on New Year's Eve, but he craved the attention that Draco gave him on a continual basis. He had come to depend on their soft caresses, long warm hugs, and gentle kisses. Harry had been deprived of love for so long while living with the Dursleys that he wasn't about to give it up on it so readily.
"Oh, Harry… you have no idea what I have been going through… it was awful… When your heart stopped, I thought I had lost you forever…" Draco whimpered through his tears.
"What? My heart stopped?" asked Harry fearfully.
"Yes…when I-I found out what had h-happened I ran straight to the infirmary. You were on a gurney c-covered in… b-blood. Madame Pomfrey w-was in the middle of surgery. No one noticed that I was standing there watching in horror. Then… then she said that your heart had s-stopped. I freaked out… I couldn't take it. I thought I had l-lost everything I had ever c-cared about. I must've passed out or something because it wasn't until I woke up later that someone told me you were still alive."
"Oh gods… I'm so sorry, Draco," said Harry pressing his face into the warm fabric of Draco's sweater. No one had told him that his heart had stopped. He knew that he had almost died, but he hadn't considered what that had meant entirely. It sounded so much scarier from Draco's point of view.
"They couldn't t-tear me from your side. I was so afraid that something might happen to you if I left. I held your hand for almost three days until they decided to take you away from me…" It was odd that Draco thought that the professors had tried to separate them. He didn't see that Harry was sent away so that he could heal without the pressure of the entire student boy pestering him for answers.
"They were only doing what they thought was best…" said Harry softly trying to make himself understand as well.
"Do you have any idea what I have been going through?" asked Draco, he took Harry's face into his hands and stared intently into his emerald green eyes.
"No, but I can only imagine," said Harry softly. "I'm sorry to put you through all that." He leaned forward and kissed Draco on the cheek, tasting his salty tears in the process. Draco's hands fell to his sides as he allowed the boy in front of him to express his love. Harry continued to kiss Draco softly all over his face, waiting to kiss him properly on the lips. When he finally did, it was the softest, sweetest kiss they have ever shared yet.
Draco pulled back finally and took Harry's face in his hands again. "Why?" he asked simply, his pale blue eyes filling with tears again.
Harry looked away, not wanting to admit the truth yet. Draco, unfortunately, took that as a sign that he was the cause of all Harry's problems. "It's because of me isn't it?" he asked softly.
"No… Draco…" Harry tried to explain, but Draco abruptly got up off the floor and began to pace in front of the fireplace. Harry watched him from his position still on the floor.
"It is because of me! Just admit it! I hurt you in the most unimaginable way!" Draco hugged his arms around his waist and choked back a sob. He seemed to be at a loss as to what to do so he continued to pace.
"No… that's not it..." Harry tried to explain. Draco didn't seem to be listening to him, so he picked himself up off the floor and stood in Draco's path.
"Oh gods Harry… I'm so sorry… I didn't know what I was doing…OH, BLOODY HELL!" Draco suddenly shouted to ceiling. "I fucked everything up!"
"Draco… stop this… listen to me!" Harry said grabbing Draco by the shoulders.
"What? I know you must hate me…" said Draco. Another tear slithered its way down his cheek, illuminated in the fire's light.
"I don't hate you… I love you… none of this is your fault…"
"Then whose fault is it… Weasley's?" asked Draco angrily.
"No, Ron's not the reason that I… I cut myself..."
"Cut yourself? You make it sound so simple. You tried to commit suicide, Harry!" the blond yelled angrily as he gestured with his hands wildly.
"No I didn't, Draco…I just got carried away…" Harry whispered.
"Carried away? You nearly sliced your arms in half!"
"Stop yelling!" Harry shouted. He covered his ears with his hands in frustration. Things were getting out of hand. This was why Harry was so worried about seeing Draco. He knew that his boyfriend would blame himself and wouldn't listen to reason. Draco saw Harry's obvious distress and stood there silently waiting for Harry to explain the situation better.
"Draco, I wasn't trying to kill myself, okay? You've got to believe me!" Harry pleaded. His emerald green eyes met Draco's pale blue ones. Harry knew from the look in Draco's eyes that he finally understood.
"You promised me that you would tell me everything… that you wouldn't let things get so bad that you would ever start cutting again…" Draco said quietly.
"I'm sorry… I just felt that I couldn't tell you what was wrong this time…"
"Why not?" asked Draco, tilting his head in contemplation. He came closer to Harry, closing the distance between them.
"Because I was really confused and scared. I thought I was going crazy for a while, and I was afraid that if I told someone the truth they might lock me up in St. Mungo's and I would never see any of you again…" Harry admitted truthfully.
"Why? What's wrong?" asked Draco. He stepped forward again, placing his arms around Harry in way that he could hold him while still looking him in the eyes.
Harry said nothing, and looked away. Should he tell Draco everything? Ron seemed to handle it okay, but what if Draco didn't believe him? What then?
"Please, Harry, don't shut me out…" Draco said. He leaned forward and kissed Harry on the forehead. The blond then bent his head down so that they were standing with their foreheads touching. Harry took a deep breath before he began.
"Well, you know those dreams I was having?" he asked.
"The ones about Sirius?" asked Draco.
"Yeah well they didn't go away. They only got worse."
"How bad are they?" he asked.
"Bad enough that I am hearing my godfather's voice while I am awake…" Harry blurted out.
"What?" Draco asked with his mouth dropping open
"That day that Ron found me in the bathroom I had heard Sirius calling out to me for help… while I was awake. It started in the Great Hall during breakfast. I was the only one that could hear him. I kind of freaked out and ran away. The voice wouldn't stop! After everything that had just happened I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so out of control…"
"So you cut yourself to feel like you were in control again?" asked Draco softly. He was beginning to understand problem with cutting more and more now.
"Yeah, only I wasn't… I took it too far when the voice wouldn't stop…" he said, tears slipping from his eyes.
Draco wrapped his arms around Harry more tightly and kissed him again on the side of his head. Harry was relieved that he wasn't acting any differently. He didn't know what he would do if Draco ever stopped accepting him.
"What does Remus say about all this?"
"Not much…He doesn't seem know why I can hear Sirius's voice and no one else can. I was worried that there might be something wrong with me so I asked him to check to see if I was crazy or something. Remus put me through a bunch of tests. It turns out that I don't have a mental illness or anything." Harry felt more and more relieved by this information each time he said it aloud.
"So what do you think this all means?" It appeared that Draco believed Harry's sincerity.
"I don't know…" Harry said nestling his head back into the crook of Draco's neck once again.
"We'll figure it out, Harry," Draco said determinedly.
"That's what Ron and Remus said too…"
"Well, for once they are both right," said Draco. "Harry can I ask you a question?"
"You just did…" said Harry playfully.
"Smart ass!" said Draco. "No, seriously, are you still cutting yourself?" The taller boy pulled back to look in Harry's face again.
"I haven't yet…"
"But you do you want to?" Harry didn't say anything in response. "Harry?" Draco asked sternly.
"It's not as easy to stop as you think, Draco. I need it…"
"Why?"
"I can't explain it…"
"Does Remus know this?"
"I think so…"
Draco sighed heavily, not knowing what else he should say. It was as if he had finally resigned to fact that Harry had a problem that wouldn't go away simply by asking it to. "How are you anyway?"
"Better. I still have some weakness in my arms, but otherwise I am feeling a lot better," replied Harry truthfully.
"When are you coming back to Hogwarts?" asked Draco hopefully.
"Probably soon… I am a little worried about going back though," Harry admitted.
"Don't be…"
"Why?"
"Hermione and Ron threatened to hex anyone that even tried to come near you and start asking questions. Hell, they would probably hex them if they breathed near you. I think they are all sufficiently scared enough to leave you alone while you adjust to being back at school."
"Well, that's a relief." Good old Ron and Hermione thinking ahead again. Now that he was thinking about his friends, Harry grew curious about the relationship between Ron and Draco since he had been away. Hermione had alluded to the fact that they were blaming each other for what had happened.
"Are you two still fighting?" asked Harry.
"I don't know…"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I am not sure what is up with the two of us. I don't think we are really fighting anymore. I think all it ever was… was venting at one another our frustrations for what you were going through. There is still some tension between us, but I think things will get better once you return."
"Really? Cause that whole situation totally sucked!" Harry replied in frustration.
"I'm willing to do my part if he is," said Draco. Harry nodded hoping that Ron would see things as clearly as he did.
"So what have you been doing here?"
"Nothing really. Remus and I talk a lot about things, but I'm bored out of my mind mostly. Would you believe I got all my homework that I had to make up done in two days?" Draco shook his head in disbelief. "Mostly I watch the telly."
"What's a telly?" asked Draco completely puzzled by the foreign terminology.
"You have never seen a telly before!" asked Harry, completely shocked.
"No, what is it?"
"Basically it's like… well… here just let me show you…" Harry dragged Draco by the arm over to the couch where he sat the blond down. Harry flipped on the television and soon the picture came to life. Draco was instantly mesmerized by all the colors and sounds. A commercial came on advertising feminine hygiene products in quite a peculiar manner. A look of utter disgust crossed Draco's face.
"You enjoy watching this," asked Draco mystified.
"Well, no this is just a commercial… it's like an advertisement. People watch the telly for entertainment. Hey, I think the Simpson's is coming on next!" Sure enough the theme song for the cartoon came on. Harry enjoyed the dark humor and comic relief the dysfunctional family provided.
"Is this magic?" asked Draco "How to Muggles get the pictures to move?"
"It's a long and complicated explanation, Dray. Just watch!"
And so Harry and Draco watched the telly together, lying beside one another on the cramped little sofa. Shivering slightly Harry pulled the throw blanket that was lying on the back of the sofa over the top of them. They snuggled closer together under its warmth. Draco wrapped his arms around Harry as he watched the television program with interest. Occasionally he brushed back Harry's bangs and kissed him on the forehead, but mostly they cuddled together.
Exhausted by their conversation earlier, they were soon fast asleep. Later in the evening, Remus came downstairs to check on the two boys. He discovered them fast asleep despite the telly being on. He turned the muggle contraption off and pulled the blanket up over their shoulders to keep them warm. They looked innocent enough so he left them alone. Draco and Harry deserved some time like this together. He crept back up stairs with a huge smile on his face. It would appear that Harry was ready to go back to Hogwarts sooner than he had anticipated.
A/N: Are these chapters too long? Let me know. I desperately wanted to write this chapter from another POV here but I swore to myself that I would stay consistent. It made Ron and Draco's reactions difficult to write, especially through Harry's eyes. I am sure you were all surprised by Draco's initial reaction when he saw Harry, but I didn't want to be predictable or typical with his character. He is a Slytherin after all and tends to lash out passionately. Just imagine what he went through all that time he was separated from Harry thinking that it was his fault. He was feeling guilty at first, but then his emotions swayed towards anger for Harry almost leaving him. I wanted to convey Draco's moods as swinging wildly back and forth (angry… loving… angry) because I wanted to show his inner turmoil as he processed everything. I hoped that I achieved that affect.
A/N2: Here is a little teaser for you…. the next chapter is titled Beyond the Veil….
Many thanks to all my reviewers and a thousand thanks to my beta Drae!