A/N: This chapter is somewhat shorter, but it is filled with angst and explosive conversations. We will all finally discover the truth. But will it be more than Harry can bear?
Chapter 20- Beyond the Veil
Dear Journal,
Remus says that I can go back to school on Monday, and believe it or not I am actually looking forward to it. I need the normalcy that going through the daily routine of being at Hogwarts brings to me. I can't wait to get on my broom again too. I haven't been out on the Quidditch pitch for ages. I hope that I will still be able to fly as well as I did before. There should be some Quidditch matches coming up rather soon.
As much as I want to go back, I am really nervous about seeing everyone again. I sometimes wonder what everyone thinks of me. I have never been one to worry about other people's opinions very much, but no one wants to be the resident freak. I am sure that my friends are going to be watching my every move too. They mean well, but sometimes they just don't understand what I am going through.
Why am I so messed up? You would think that after my visits with Ron and Draco that I would feel a lot better about myself, but the emptiness still remains. Why? What's wrong with me that I can't be happy? Ron and Draco were so great about everything and I appreciated every moment we were together. I especially liked the time I spent with Draco snuggling on the sofa. I needed to feel his warm body next to mine so desperately that it was almost painful to say goodbye to him in the morning. I couldn't ask for better friends than the ones I have, so why isn't it enough. Why do I feel just as sad and empty as I did before their visit?
Considering the fact that I have never really written anything before now, I find it amazing how freely these words fall onto this page. It feels like I am unburdening my soul. Now that I've started writing, I feel like I can't stop. There are so many things going on in my mind right now… more than I could ever express to Remus. He tries hard but will he ever really understand? Why does he even put up with me in the first place? Sometimes I feel that the only reason I am here is because he feels obligated to… like he is indebted to my parents and Sirius.
I'm struggling to overcome the dark depression I feel myself slipping into on a daily basis. In addition to the dreams and Sirius calling out to me, I have a lot of emotional baggage from my past. For a while I had hoped that I had put all those issues behind me. But they are still there, staring me in the face with each passing day. The shame of the abuse that my so called relatives caused me to endure, the need for and fear of intimacy that I so desperately crave from my boyfriend, and the guilt over the death of my parents, Cedric, and Sirius… Sirius… I miss him so much… it was all my fault… The need to cut again grows stronger with each passing day.
Sometimes I think about the time I spent in Limbo on that fateful Halloween night. I remember all of those awful things that I had to endure as a small child. Why would anyone ever to do that to a little boy? Am I really a freak that deserves that type of punishment? But what I remember most is that eternally cold darkness and the utter aloneness I felt within its undefined depths. Several times I felt myself slip away from Draco while we were there, and I sometimes wonder what would have happened to my soul if I had not chosen to live again. Would I have existed in limbo forever, reliving all those awful memories for eternity? Would my soul have gone to hell, whatever that may be? Or would I have gone to heaven and spent the rest of forever with my parents? Is there even a heaven? Am I even worthy of being in heaven? I find myself contemplating these issues over and over in an endless cycle of self pity and doubt.
What troubles me most is the fact that I felt something else lurking in that unseen darkness of Limbo. I have never been able to determine what I actually thought was in the darkness with me, but it is something more powerful and overwhelming than my soul can possibly comprehend within the confines of my feeble body. The more I try to think about it, the more I understand that the darkness is not something I am meant to understand. But it calls to me nonetheless. It has begun to plague not only my dreams, but my conscious mind while I am awake.
-H.
Later that week, Remus and Harry found themselves sitting together at the dining room table eating chicken stir fry. Neither of them was saying very much at the moment. Harry was dreading another therapy session this evening and Remus seemed to have something on his mind.
It was as if Remus had expected Harry to revert back to his normal cheerful self after the boys had visited him. Harry half expected that of himself too, but that clearly had not happened. He was just as irritable as ever and he was having difficulty pin pointing what was exactly bothering him. Remus had tried so hard to engage him in light conversations, but Harry remained silent for the most part. He even tried to initiate playing one of the various Muggle games that he had found stashed away in one of the old closets, the games were left untouched.
It was almost as if Remus were trying too hard to make Harry happy again. He put on a cheerful face and was as upbeat about everything as possible, but beneath the exterior Harry saw the truth. Some say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and when Harry looked into Remus's eyes all he saw was sadness and tired frustration. Why did he feel like he had to pretend?
Harry picked at his meal thoughtfully. He wasn't overly hungry and he saw no point in forcing himself to eat when his body clearly didn't want to. Remus suddenly looked up and eyed him carefully, so Harry stabbed a water chestnut and carefully placed it in his mouth. Chewing slowly, he smiled mockingly at Remus who had to encourage him more often than not to eat something.
Harry absentmindedly wondered when Hedwig would return. He had decided to write to Hermione after his visit with Ron and Draco, and she had yet to return. Not really knowing how far Villa de Luna was from Hogwarts, he had no way of knowing just how far she had to travel.
Finally, when the silence seemed unbearable, Remus finally spoke. "I have something of a dilemma that I need your help with…" he began.
"What's that?" asked Harry tiredly, not really paying attention to anything.
Remus sighed deeply and then took a deep breath before he began again. "The Wizengamot has finally set a court date for the custody hearing. It's this Saturday…"
Harry stared at Remus but said nothing. So it begins…
"We don't have to go through with all of this if you don't want to, you know," Remus said carefully. Staring into the older man's eyes, Harry knew that he was fearful of Harry's answer.
"I know," said Harry softly. "I still want to stay with you." It wasn't like he really had anywhere else to go anyway. You just feel obligated to take me in…
"Okay, good," said Remus, looking somewhat relieved. "Well, my dilemma is that I am not sure what to do with you on Saturday…"
Harry looked at him quizzically, not really understanding what he meant. Trying to get rid of me already?
"I can't leave you here unprotected and I am sure you wouldn't feel comfortable with someone from the Order or Hogwarts looking after you. So that means that you either have to return to Hogwarts early or come to the hearing with me…"
Harry thought about this decision carefully. They had planned that he would finally return to Hogwarts on Monday, and he had only mentally prepared himself for this arrangement. If he went back on Saturday that meant he would be there for two full days without anything to distract him or his house mates. What if they started asking questions? What if they wouldn't leave him alone until they got some answers? What if they acted strangely or ignored him completely? At least if he went back Monday everyone would be so consumed with going to their classes that they wouldn't bother him as much. Going back on Monday would be an easier transition for everybody.
"Would I have to testify?" he finally asked.
"No, of course not. Your statement has been taken, and I have been assured that you cannot be forced to testify," said Remus.
"Will the Dursleys be there?" Harry asked fearfully.
"No, they will not. If the court finds it necessary they will obtain a statement from them at Privet Drive. I doubt they would ever step into our courtroom willingly because of their obvious fear of magic."
You have no idea…
"Well, I guess I'll go with you to the Ministry then…" He put down his fork that he had been holding in mid air all this time and sat back. He then crossed his arms protectively over his chest after revealing his decision.
"Are you sure? I didn't think you would ever want to go back there after… well, you know…. I don't even want to have to go there," said Remus who also put down his fork. Apparently he had lost his appetite as well. Neither one of us has ever spoken of Sirius's death, why start now?
"What will happen there?" asked Harry curiously.
"Well, it will be a closed hearing, meaning the media will not be allowed inside or be privy to what happens on Saturday. Madame Pomfrey, Professor Dumbledore and I will plead your case. We will only say that we have discovered that the Dursleys are unfit to care for you and that I should obtain permanent custody."
Seeing the worry in Harry's eyes he added, "Don't worry; we are not going to tell everyone what happened to you… Madame Pomfrey and I are actually bound to a healer-patient confidentiality contract to you much like they have in the Muggle world, so we couldn't reveal anything about your past without your consent. Dumbledore will have to be a little more careful when he makes his statement, but I'm not worried. He's a manipulative old coot!"
Harry stared at Remus and waited for him to continue. "The fact that you are no longer technically a minor and could legally live on your own in the wizarding world should be sufficient enough sway our case. We are arguing that you have enough money to support yourself if need be, but that you will remain in my care, as a member of the Order, for your own safety. Fortunately for us, we have had Percy working on the inside. He has helped us immensely by looking up all the necessary information regarding custody laws. As long as I do not attempt to adopt you, they can't object to my custody rights. Because of that my lycanthropy shouldn't be an issue. You gotta love legal loop holes…" Remus said. He had tried to make light of the whole situation, but Harry was obviously not responding.
Remus eyed him thoughtfully, expecting the raven haired teen across from him to reply to everything he just heard. Harry had merely nodded, but didn't say a word.
"What's wrong Harry? I thought you would at least be happy or something…"
"How happy do you want me to be?" asked Harry bitterly. It's not like I wished any this upon myself…
Remus threw up his hands in frustration. He opened and closed his mouth several times trying to think of what he would say next. Finally bursting with pent up frustration over the last week, Remus exploded. "I have tried so hard to make a home for you Harry, and I don't think that you appreciate it. I have given you some space, because that is what I thought you needed, and I have never pushed you to talk about anything. Yet for the last week or so you have been nothing but cold to me. Why are you treating me this way, Harry? Have I done something wrong?"
"No… you've done everything just right, haven't you?" Harry said staring at the wood grain in the table now. He did not want to be having this conversation right now, but he could think of no way to get around it at this point.
Remus stared at him incredulously. "What is that supposed to mean?"
Harry rubbed his face tiredly and wondered how he should begin to tell Remus what had been plaguing him all this week. It was only now starting to make sense to him. There seemed only one way to get the answers that he needed so he just came out and asked. "Why are you doing any of this anyway?"
"What?"
"Why do you feel obligated to take me in?" Harry blurted out. "It's not like you're my godfather or anything…"
At first Remus seemed thoroughly shocked and hurt by his statement, but after a few moments he seemed to get where this conversation was going. His face softened from one of anger to that of understanding. "I know that Harry. Sirius was your godfather. I know I could never replace him, or what he meant to you. I don't feel obligated to take you in. I want to take you in because I care about you," said Remus softly.
As much as Harry wanted to believe him there was a small part of him deep inside that couldn't believe the validity of his words. The Dursleys had instilled in him long ago that he was nothing but a burden and that he was worthless. "Yeah right… You're probably doing this only because Dumbledore asked you to. Can't have his golden boy living on the streets, now can we?"
"That's not the reason why, Harry…" Remus tried again. He got up from his seat and walked around the table to where Harry was currently seated. He placed a hand on his shoulder, but Harry angrily knocked it away jumping from his seat in the process.
"Or maybe it's because I am just a little miniature version of James! Or maybe you just miss Sirius more than you are willing to let on! Or maybe you just miss being apart of the Marauders, the only thing that was ever good in your life! You lost all your friends in one way or another. So now you are pretending that I can take their place!" Harry shouted. Remus froze in place horrified at the awful things Harry had just said.
Angry hot tears fell down Harry's face as he backed away from the man who had so lovingly taken him in. Harry just couldn't believe that someone would have taken him in for anything other than selfish purposes. He was just a messed freak, wasn't he? Who would ever really want or love him?
"That's not true Harry. I can't believe you would ever think that of me. I love you. You are no substitute!" Remus started to walk toward him brushing off a stray tear from his own face with the back of his hand.
"Yeah right, everyone is always telling me how much I look like James. What else am I supposed to think?"
"That may be true, but you are very different in your father…in many ways," Remus tried to explain.
"Oh yeah…I forgot. I am the one who is a messed up kid who has been beaten and sexually abused for most of his life. You're right…there are differences!" Harry was sobbing now, but he hadn't stopped backing away. This situation was oddly reminiscent of their conversation that day in Remus's private quarters in Hogwarts.
"Harry, why are you doing this? What's wrong?" Remus looked really afraid now and at a loss as to what to do next. He probably thinks I am going to go slice up my arms like I did before…
Harry finally stopped when he reached the back of the sofa. He crossed his arms protectively against him and tucked his chin into his chest as the tears fell.
Remus approached him carefully and gently grabbed his chin with his hand, forcing the small boy to look up at him. "Harry, what's wrong?"
"It's okay…you don't have to take me in if you don't want to," he whispered.
"But I do…" he tried to reassure Harry as he wiped away a few tears.
"Why? How could you possibly want to take care of a mess like me?" His emerald green eyes were glassy with tears and emotion. Remus could sense the desperateness in his words and silently cursed the Dursleys for systematically destroying this small boy's self worth.
"Because I love you… you mean the world to me kiddo…" Remus said lovingly.
"I don't believe you…" Harry whispered.
"Just because you don't believe something doesn't mean it's not true."
Harry shook his head slightly in disbelief. He wasn't ready yet to understand. "You're probably just like everyone else…"
"What?"
"Most people only like the Boy-Who-Lived. They like what that title stands for. They don't see who Harry is..." the teen revealed suddenly.
"I do… I can clearly see who Harry is," said Remus confidently.
"Oh yeah and what do you see," said Harry in a patronizing tone.
"I see a brave young man who despite all odds remains amazingly strong, and would do everything in his power to protect his friends. I see a young man who gives love readily but never expects it in return. I see a soul that has seen more horrors than anyone could possibly imagine yet continues to strive to live. I see a person who struggles to survive the only way he knows possible. Most importantly I see a boy I have grown to love like a son that I would do anything for…. I do see you Harry….. just Harry…"
Harry began crying again as he listened to Remus's speech. He looked up at him, his green eyes hopeful that all the wonderful things that Remus had just said were true. "Harry, I would protect you with my life if need be. If I could turn back time and right all the wrongs that have happened in your life, I would…. but I can't. So I am going to try and be there for you the only way I know how… as your guardian… as your therapist… as your friend…"
Harry clung to him, hugging him fiercely. All week, he had desperately wanted to believe that those were the reasons Remus had taken him in, but there was the nagging bit of self doubt that made him skew reality. Distancing himself was the only way he knew to protect himself if he had discovered Remus really didn't want him.
"I'm sorry... I have been such an idiot…" he whispered into Remus's warm clothing
"It's alright, Harry. I understand…." he replied, stroking the boy's messy locks.
"I just never know who to trust anymore… things always get so fucked up!"
"Well, you can trust me always, and I promise you that I will never leave you. I can't imagine not having you somehow a part of my life now. No matter what happens or what you may say or do I will always love you like a son…" said Remus hugging the small boy closer and placing a kiss affectionately on top of his head.
"I love you too Remus," said Harry truthfully. He felt more relieved than he had in a long time. At least now he knew for sure the true reason Remus wanted him around.
The next few days passed by agonizingly slowly. The day before the trial began Remus asked Harry an important question at the end of one of their sessions.
"Are you sure you want to come with me to the Ministry of Magic? It's not too late to arrange for you to go back to school early," he said reassuringly.
"Yeah? Why?" asked Harry.
"I just thought that going there with me might bring back too many memories, you know?" said Remus.
"It probably will, but what other choice do I have?" asked Harry.
"I'm sorry if this will bring you more pain, but at least it will have a positive outcome," Remus said hopefully, but Harry shrugged.
"You're sure that we will win the case?" he asked.
"Yeah, I think everything will be okay," said Remus, mostly to himself. He began to gather up his notes and things from the couch and placed them on a nearby table. Stretching his arms over his head, he stood before the fireplace thoughtfully.
There had been something on Harry's mind since he had first heard Sirius's voice that he had been meaning to ask someone. It never seemed like a good time, and he hated to bring anything up that may be sad or painful for Remus. Knowing that he would never again find the courage, Harry decided to ask him his question. Little did he know that this one question would set forth a string of events that would change his life forever.
"Remus?" he called softly.
"Yes?" Remus said, turning around to face Harry who was still seated at the couch cross-legged.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure," said Remus shrugging his shoulders and looking quite intrigued. It was rare that Harry ever initiated a conversation.
"Do you promise to answer honestly no matter what?"
"Yes," said Remus growing concerned at the seriousness in Harry's voice.
Harry took a deep breath before he began. "What happened to Sirius that night at the Department of Mysteries?"
Remus looked like a deer caught in the headlights as his eyes grew as round as saucers. "You know what happened, Harry… He f-fell through the veil."
"Yes, but what happened to him," said Harry in a frustrated tone.
"I'm not following you," said Remus, looking perplexed at his question. He sat down again across from Harry and leaned forward, placing his arms on his knees.
"I guess what I mean to ask is what is on the other side of the veil?" asked Harry.
Remus said nothing and looked a way towards the fire. Harry sensed that his question was going to go unanswered so he stood up defiantly and replied, "You promised Remus!"
"I know, I know. Listen, I don't have a lot of information about all this... I didn't even want to think about it for a very long time... All I know is that the veil is some type of portal leading from this world to some other plane of existence…"
"What do you mean?" asked Harry curiously. He narrowed his eyes and looked at him quizzically.
For a while it looked as if he wasn't going to answer him. Harry could see from the look in his eyes that he was trying to think of what to say. Finally, Remus looked Harry dead in the eyes, and replied, "The veil is the threshold to Limbo."
"What!" Harry shouted, clearly shocked and not expecting that answer.
"I didn't want to tell you Harry! I was trying to protect you," Remus pleaded.
"Why? You should have told me!" Harry shouted again. He stamped his foot angrily as if he were a little child throwing a tantrum.
"I know, but I didn't want to upset you. It's not like what happened with you and Draco," Remus said sadly. This conversation was obviously painful for him, but Harry had to know the truth now.
"I don't understand… we came back. Why can't Sirius?" he asked.
Remus stood up as well now and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Because… it doesn't work like that. When Draco cast the soul mate spell only your souls were sent to Limbo. Your bodies remained behind so that your souls could return. When Sirius crossed over, he went through body and soul. There is nothing for his soul to come back to. He has been lost forever…" Remus voice sounded tight like he was struggling to suppress his emotions. His eyes had become glassy as well.
"You mean to tell me that he's really not dead!" Harry shouted in disbelief.
"But he is… well, he is as good as dead, Harry. He is never coming back. You must realize that!" said Remus growing more and more frustrated.
"You lied to me! You all lied to me! You should have told me!" Harry pleaded.
"I know, we thought we were protecting you at the time…"
"But you're not! Things just got whole lot worse... Don't you see Remus? That's why I'm having these dreams and why I can hear Sirius's voice. He is reliving his memories in Limbo like I did…."
Remus said nothing as he looked away dejectedly. Suddenly, Harry realized something important. He paced back and forth trying to make sense of it all. "Oh my gods…. For Merlin's sake he's calling out to me for help! I must have made some sort of connection with him while I was in Limbo…"
Remus again said nothing as he stared at Harry sadly. Harry stared straight back at him and he suddenly understood Remus's abrupt silence.
"You knew! Oh my gods… you knew! You knew that was the reason why I was hearing Sirius's voice. Didn't you?" Harry asked, as angry tears formed in his eyes.
"I did suspect that, yes, but not until recently," Remus admitted in a defeated voice.
"You knew and you didn't tell me!" Harry shouted again, pointing his finger accusingly at Remus.
"I was going to but it never felt like the right time. Besides, Harry, what good would it have done? There is nothing you can do. You can't get your hopes up!" Remus tried to reason.
"Why?"
"Because… there is no way to bring Sirius back. He's gone! Dead! Okay, now let it go!" Remus pleaded. His chin began to quiver and it looked as if the tears were threatening to fall again from his tired eyes.
It pained Harry to see Remus like that. He knew that he had been as close to Sirius as Harry was to Ron. He could only imagine what it must feel like to lose a friend like that. Hell, he barely even knew Sirius when he died and the pain and guilt had cut at him like a knife. As much as Harry wanted to spare Remus from this conversation, Harry couldn't let it go. He was drowning in this depression that had begun to suffocate him. Maybe truly understanding would finally set him free.
"I can't! These dreams won't go away. I had another this morning for Merlin's sake!"
"You did?" asked Remus sadly, and Harry nodded.
"Well, the professors and I are trying our best to find a cure…" Remus tried.
"But I don't want them to stop now!" he shouted. His voice was becoming hoarse from all the yelling, but he didn't care. He needed to say all of this once and for all.
"Harry, you have to let Sirius go…I know its hard… but we have to…" Remus said, a tear cascading down his cheek.
"I c-can't, not if there is some way to bring him back!" Harry yelled again, trying to make Remus understand.
"There isn't Harry, trust me! There is no spell, potion, or charm that I know of that will ever bring him back. He's gone!"
"You can't just leave him there. He is reliving all those awful memories just like I did. It's awful! It's like he is stuck in hell!" He screamed angrily.
"Harry…" said Remus as he tried to reach out to him.
"No, don't touch me…" Harry said, twisting his way out of Remus's grasp. "You just don't understand… You didn't hear him calling for help…" Harry said in almost a whisper. A sob escaped his lips as his chest filled with emotion.
"Harry, listen…" Remus tried to explain as he followed Harry, who had been backing away. "Where are you going?"
"I want to be alone!" Harry said, as he ran up the stairs. Remus chased after him, but was greeted by the door slamming in his face.
Harry paced about his room processing everything that had just happened as tears streamed down his face. He could hear Remus knocking on the door, trying to get in. Harry must have someone how placed a wandless locking charm on the door in his anger, because Remus couldn't seem to get through.
The need was too strong to deny any longer. Harry walked over to his trunk and located one of the pins that he had been hiding. Slumping to his knees as he sat on the floor, he held the tiny piece of metal in his hand. It glinted softly by the light in the room. He knew that it wouldn't do very much damage, but it was the mere idea that he could inflict pain upon himself that was so appealing. No one could ever hurt him more than he could. He was the one in control. Nobody else!
Suddenly, he closed his fist around the small object in frustration. His knuckles turned white with strain as he clutched the pin more fiercely. Was this what he had become? Had he become someone who couldn't deal with reality and cut in desperation? Was this how he was going to live the rest of his life?
Deep down Harry knew that the self mutilation had to stop. The quick fixes weren't helping any longer and he had already caused everyone such much pain. But what was he supposed to do? How do you get rid of the painful ache inside of you that is so strong you feel like you are crawling in your own skin trying to get out? Everything was just so confusing. Just when things were starting to feel normal again something else happens to send him into a whirlwind of emotions.
He leaned forward on his knees, wrapping his arms around himself as he continued to cry. Slowly he began to rock himself back and forth. He wasn't entirely sure who he was praying to, but he began to silently pray nonetheless. He prayed for an answer to end his pain, but mostly he begged for absolution.
He vaguely heard the sound of Remus magically breaking the locks on the door and entering the room. He was so absorbed in his grief that he barely registered the fact that Remus had picked him up off the floor and was holding him on the bed, rocking him back and forth n his comforting arms. Harry leaned into the touch and cried his heart out. At one point Remus must have found the safety pin clutched in his hand because it was missing from his palm later on.
"Harry… I know you must hate me… I just didn't want you to hurt anymore… I'm sorry I didn't tell you… I love you…" Remus whispered into his ear.
Harry couldn't find his voice to answer the man holding him, but he could never truly hate Remus. He had only been acting out anger when he thought he had been betrayed.
Harry wasn't sure when he actually fell asleep that night, but when he did fall unconscious it was with one amazing and terrifying idea in his head. He knew what he needed to do now more than ever, but he dared not tell Remus. It seemed so simple really. All he had to do was remember to bring his invisibility cloak when they went to the Ministry of Magic tomorrow morning. Harry was going to slip out of the custody meeting and to talk to Sirius if it was the last thing he did.
A/N:This
chapter was inspired by the song Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park,
especially the last scene. I'm not aloud to write the lyrics here
but if you have the song on your computer it makes great background
music for reading this chapter.
A/N3: There seems to be a lot of crying sessions in my story. I don't mean to make Harry out to be weak (and he's not), but they just fit so nicely into the plot line. I know… I know… another chapter without Draco. Well, the next chapter will not include him either, but the rest should feature him more prominently.
Many thanks to all my reviewers and my beta Drae!