A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry it took me longer to update. I have had this chapter planned for a while, but my muse got tied up with some other things. It wasn't writer's block; I just didn't have any time to write because of some other things I have been working on.
Chapter 22- Behind My Back
For Harry, speaking to Sirius through the Veil at the Department of Mysteries was a life changing event. Before, he had been a lifeless person going through the motions of living while hiding his pain inside, but now he was filled with a renewed sense of purpose. He had finally begun to discover some of the answers to the problems that he had been enduring these last few months. He now understood the strange dreams that had haunted him for so long and the voice of Sirius that had called out to him in desperation. Despite this new sense of purpose, he was also deeply afraid. He knew without a doubt what he needed to do, but it was the journey that he was about to embark that chilled him to the bone. There were still so many unanswered questions.
The rest of that weekend had been pretty tense to say the least. Harry and Remus both shifted back and forth between bouts of utter happiness and sheer sadness in alternating intervals. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason for their apparent mood swings and they happened almost without warning. Their cause for celebration had been winning the custody hearing, but the uncertainty of Harry's conversation with Sirius brought about sorrow as well.
After leaving the Department of Mysteries, Harry and Remus returned to the cabin silently, each taking a seat beside the fireplace in order to take in the warmth, hoping that it would quell the coldness they felt inside. Harry couldn't remember who started the conversation, but once they started talking, it was as if a flood gate had been opened. They talked endlessly through the night after that fateful event, and even into the next day. Neither one seemed to want to go to sleep later that night, so they curled up beneath blankets on opposing couches discussing a myriad of topics. Amazingly, they connected with each other on a level that neither one had ever expected to arrive at in the past. Somehow sharing the pain of losing their friend had once and for all bonded them together into this permanent relationship.
They were a funny pair that evening; sitting at odd angles on the couch munching on potato chips and candy rather than fixing a proper meal. Harry was thankful that Remus didn't bring up his past while living with the Dursleys. It would have ruined the whole evening. By focusing on everything else, Harry could almost pretend that he was a normal kid staying up late talking to their "parent." The abuse was a conversation that he would rather save for one of their sessions. It wasn't something he liked to openly talk about and Remus knew better than to press him on it.
They talked about a great number of things: Quidditch, Harry's parents, Hogwarts, Sirius, Remus's past, the war, stories about the Marauders, Peter Pettigrew, love, Sirius, Cedric Diggory, Diagon Alley, Padfoot, werewolves, Chinese food, Sirius, summers at the cabin, the war, Voldemort, Sirius…. Whenever there was a lull in the conversation, which happened frequently over the course of that long night as they continued to connect to one another, someone would bring up a memory they had about Sirius. Fortunately, it was always a pleasant one; neither one dared to dwell on how he died any longer than necessary. It was still too painful.
To be honest, it was the most Harry had ever talked to anyone in his entire life. Sure he and his friends talked a great deal, and Draco knew him inside out, but never had he talked about so many different things in one night with any one person. It felt very freeing. Harry would later be reluctant to admit just how many times he shed tears in those 24 or so hours, but the tears had unburdened his soul a great deal.
The one thing Harry was most thankful for that weekend, other than the fact that he now had a real home, was that it appeared as if Remus had finally begun to heal. Although finding Harry in front of the Veil had brought back many painful memories, it also forced Remus to rifle through his feelings about losing his best friend and to accept things for how they were. He seemed adamant that there was no way for Sirius to come back, but that he was grateful that Harry had had a chance to speak with him. It gave Remus a sense of closure somehow. Harry didn't feel it was right to say that he had his own suspicions about the Veil when it was clear Remus was just now dealing with everything.
The only negative experience that came out of that long weekend was when Remus finally discovered that Harry was now in possession of his wand. It had been taken from him when they arrived at the cabin to prevent Harry from transfiguring something to cut himself with. Harry reluctantly admitted that he had sneaked into Remus's room that morning after showering and found it in one of his dressers' drawers. Remus had been furious with him, but part of him understood deep down that Harry needed it to feel protected while he attempted to make contact with his late godfather. As punishment for his actions, Harry had to spend three detentions with Remus cleaning the DADA classroom once they returned to Hogwarts. Harry tried to look upset and disappointed when he received his punishment, but underneath he was secretly happy that Remus had been so lenient on him.
Harry had been looking forward to returning to Hogwarts for a long while now, but when it was time to leave that Monday morning, Harry felt his stomach twisted into sickening knots. He tried to eat a bit of breakfast, but his stomach had protested wildly. Remus eyed him carefully as he took his breakfast plate away to place in the sink, but couldn't really nag Harry about not eating. He was just as nervous for Harry about returning to school, and he could barely eat himself.
Harry walked over to Hedwig's perch and stroked the soft white feathers of the snowy owl. Knowing that it was time to send Hedwig on her way to Hogwarts, Harry opened the window letting in the frosty winter air. "Go to Hogwarts, girl," he said softly. "I will be there soon."
Hedwig nuzzled Harry's hand before flapping her wings and flying out the window. He watched as the bird of prey flew silently across the snowy landscape in a graceful display of aerial skill. Harry sighed and wondered when he himself would be able to get on his broom again and fly. It had been a long time since he and Hedwig had had an opportunity to fly together.
A short while later, Remus levitated their trunks over the fireplace and waited for Harry patiently. The raven haired teen took one last look around the cabin, and had to remind himself that this was home now. He would be returning here in just a few months to stay for the summer. For the first time in his life, he was excited about the summer holidays. He was really looking forward to having his friends over to "his house" and going for a swim in the lake. He had never been able to invite a friend over in his entire life and it made him feel like a normal teenager to have the opportunity.
"Are you sure you want to still do this? We can put it off another day or two if you want," Remus said again.
"Yeah, I need to go back," said Harry. As much as he had come to love his new home, he needed to get on with his life instead of wallowing in misery.
Knowing that he was just wasting time and that they both had to get to classes, Harry walked resolutely over to the fireplace and positioned his trunk next to him.
"Are you ready?" asked Remus, holding the pot of Floo powder out to him.
"Yeah," he said talking a handful. Taking a deep breath he threw the magical glittery powder down into the hearth and clearly said, "Hogwarts."
He experienced the dizzying sensation that he now associated with this odd mode of transportation, and then felt himself stumble out of the fireplace when he arrived at his destination. Not really having a good handle on his bearings, he wasn't surprised to find himself careening forward out of control. Thankfully, before he smacked the ground, a pair of strong arms caught him and held him close.
"Gotcha," said a strong, sexy voice in his ear.
Shaking his head to clear the fog, Harry looked up and caught the pale eyes of Draco. He smiled affectionately at him and returned the embrace. "I missed you, love," Draco whispered in Harry's ear. They held each other for a moment or so relishing the touch before they were rudely interrupted.
"Okay, okay, enough of that, you two," said Ron who was standing behind Hermione. "Welcome back, Harry and congratulations on your official new home." The tall red head walked towards them and gave Harry his classic goofy grin.
Harry smiled back at the three of them, realizing that they had all been waiting here to greet him. He stood up and began to dust the soot off of himself when he felt a thin pair of arms wrap around his neck. He felt his body stiffen slightly until he realized that he had gotten a face full of curly brown hair. Hermione.
He returned the hug in earnest at first, and then tried to pull back as the arms seemed to be now cutting off his supply of oxygen. "I'm alright Hermione. You can let go now," Harry said softly in his friend's hair. She seemed to hug him even more tightly. "Hermione, seriously… you need to let go. I need to breathe!"
"Oh… sorry… I-I just missed you so much, that's all," she said, wiping away a stray tear. Seeing his girlfriend's distress, Ron placed a comforting arm around her shoulder. No one seemed to want to mention the reason he had been missing from Hogwarts in the first place.
"I missed you, too," said Harry scanning the faces of his three friends. Each one was determined to look as pleasant and cheerful as possible for him, but the eyes cannot lie. Harry saw behind each pair of eyes that sadness in his friends' hearts. They were all deeply worried for him, and Harry knew all to well that he had been the cause of their misery. It was then that he noticed Dumbledore standing in the far corner of his office.
"We're glad to have you back, Mr. Potter," said the headmaster striding towards him carefully. "Are you ready for classes?"
He nodded confidently but didn't say anything else. He heard a few of the paintings rudely whispering to one another about his return. He turned his head and looked around the headmaster's office; suddenly realizing that the last time he had been here was after Sirius's death. He had been so angry then that he had literally destroyed the place by throwing things against the walls. From the look in Dumbledore's eyes it appeared as if he had remembered that episode as well. Like the Ministry of Magic, you couldn't tell that a small "battle" had ever taken place here. Everything had been magically fixed and was in its proper place. If only "real" problems could be fixed so easily with magic, Harry would be a lot happier. The silence had only lasted a moment or so, but the tension in the room was so thick that it had felt like several minutes. The others looked at one another, confused by the odd look in Harry and Dumbledore's eyes. It was clear that they were sharing some memory that the rest of them didn't know about. Remus fortunately came through the Floo a moment later and saved them all from the embarrassing tension.
"Welcome back, Professor Lupin," said Dumbledore placing his hand on the man's shoulder. "If you wouldn't mind, I would like to speak to you before you leave for your classes today."
"Yes, of course," said Remus. "Will you be alright, Harry?"
It was clear that they wanted to talk about him and that it was time for him and his friends to leave. Harry nodded and took a deep cleansing breath. His stomach still felt like it was in knots, but he just wanted this first day back over with.
"I will talk to you later," said Remus rubbing Harry's back affectionately. "Go on…you need to get going…." Remus's encouragement made Harry feel a lot better.
The others seemed to notice the closeness between Remus and Harry as they looked slightly surprised. They had always been cordial to one another, but Harry had had a hard time opening up to him in the past. Now it seemed that Remus was almost "fatherly" to Harry, and they were greatly relieved that they had finally bonded on some deeper level.
"We best be off to classes. Are you ready mate?" asked Ron, looking at him with some concern.
"I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be," he said. Harry eyed his trunk carefully wondering if he should risk going to the dorm to put away his things first. He really didn't want to be confronted alone by one of his dorm mates right now.
"Don't worry about that, Harry," said the headmaster. "The house elves will put away your things."
"Alright, I guess I can't put this off any longer," he said.
"It'll be fine, Harry. Besides you will have us with you at all times," said Draco reassuringly. He grabbed Harry's hand and gave it a quick squeeze.
"Okay," he said, grabbing his school bag from his trunk.
The foursome headed out the door and down the stone staircase, leaving the two professors behind. Draco stuck close to Harry's side as they followed Ron and Hermione. Harry found himself even more nervous than he had originally anticipated. What if they made awful remarks to him? What if they asked him where he had been? What if someone asked him if he'd tried to commit suicide? He took another calming breath and set his usual mask in place. Maybe if he acted like everything was normal, he would just be left alone.
Fortunately, most of the students were still in the Great Hall eating breakfast so the corridors were mainly deserted. He walked the massive stone hallways with his friends and took in his surroundings in wonder. For some reason, Harry had thought that something might have changed while he was gone. Weren't near death experiences supposed to change your perspective on things? He wasn't really sure what he was expecting, but he thought for sure something would be different. Maybe a painting would have been moved, or the staircases would remain fixed now for some reason. Or maybe Hogwarts would somehow smell different.
Closing his eyes quickly, so that Draco and the others wouldn't see, he sniffed the air around him. He felt satisfied when his nostrils were filled with the damp, dusty smell he had come to associate with the age old castle. He was finally back in one of the few places he still felt secure. Sure, he felt safe when he stayed with the Weasley's at the Burrow, but Hogwarts always held a special place in his heart. At one time he had even called it "home" for lack of a better word. But now, Harry truly knew what home felt like. Remus had given that much to him.
Home was where you could hang Quidditch posters all over the walls in your very own bedroom. Home was where you could sit around all day and watch T.V. just because you can. Home was where you could scream and rant and rave when life became too much to bear. Home was where you could hide, even from your friends, when you were too ashamed to admit the truth. Home was where you could cry yourself to sleep in the arms of one of the few people who promised to always be there for you. Home was where you felt safe from the dangers in the world because you knew in your heart you were not alone. Most importantly, however, home was where you felt unconditional love and acceptance.
Although the definition of home had changed for Harry, his love of the old castle that he had become so accustomed to had never wavered. Somehow, living within these stone walls made him feel closer to his parents. He felt closer to his parents here knowing that Lily Evans and James Potter had once traversed these very hallways and even stayed in the same house as him.
He quietly followed his friends to class, taking in everything around him. He was overwhelmingly relieved that everything seemed to be just as he had left it, like he had never left. Harry found a lot of comfort in that. Almost as if he could forget his awful experience had ever happened.
Harry was thankful that he had had the presence of mind to learn concealment charms back in second year, when the abuse at the Dursleys had taken a turn for the worse. It would be near impossible to hide all of his scars from his dorm mates without the magical incantations, and he certainly didn't feel like explaining why his arms look like a weed whacker attacked him. Harry had never told anyone else before, but he was quite sure that he could use wandless magic to cast his magical mask. There had been several times in the past when Harry had been wishing quite hard that he was able to conceal the truth from others.
Fortunately, Harry had at least one of his friends in each of his classes. They dutifully walked beside him guarding their friend from the stares and whispers from their fellow students as they walked from class to class in a hurried manner. Harry was really surprised by everyone's behavior. He truly thought that his day was going to be miserable. He knew that rumors about his disappearance had been flying around the school since he was taken to the cabin. In fact, he was astonished that the rest of the school wasn't questioning him the way he thought they might.
His first class that day was Potions, which he was sure was going to be quite awful. There were several Slytherins still in the class who would stop at nothing to torment Harry endlessly. After the initial shock at seeing the Boy-Who-Lived returning to classes, some of the students had begun to whisper and snicker at him behind his back. He couldn't really make out what they were saying, but he was sure it was about him. When Snape realized what was going on, he lashed out at them quickly, reprimanding them for their inappropriate behavior. The rest of class went much more smoothly; despite the difficult potion they had been assigned. In fact, no one even said a word to him in the dungeon hallway afterwards.
Even Neville, who was in Transfiguration with him later that day, seemed to understand that Harry wouldn't be in the mood to talk about what happened. He simply smiled at his friend sadly and said, "It's good to have you back," and left it at that.
Harry was eternally grateful that everyone had the presence of mind to leave him alone. He suspected that most of their behaviors could be attributed to Hermione and Ron threatening to hex them into oblivion if they so much as looked at him the wrong way. It could be said that Ron and Hermione could be quite powerful in magic in their own right, despite any appearances to the contrary, and Harry was sure that the pair was a force to be reckoned with when they were determined.
He could feel Draco's eyes watching him all day, silently wishing that he would be alright. Harry knew how desperate Draco was to piece together the shreds of their relationship. They had already begun to reconnect when Draco came to the cabin, but they had so much farther to go if they ever wanted to be together the way they both desired.
It wasn't until dinner that evening that the whispers and pointing reached its critical peak. He had walked in with his friends and noticed the sudden hushed silence that he was presented with. It was as if the entire student body was waiting for him to do something. By now everyone knew that he had returned and they were all as curious as ever to learn about the circumstances of his disappearance.
Harry ignored the stares and walked towards his house table, closely followed by Hermione and Ron. Draco shot him a look of understanding and took his seat at the Slytherin table. As much as Harry wanted Draco to sit with them again, he knew that it would raise too many questions.
He took a seat facing the wall so he didn't have to look at anyone and began to fill his plate. He wasn't really hungry, but he knew he had to go through the motions of eating a meal in order to please Hermione. He picked at his food listlessly and glanced up at the head table. He caught Remus's eye and the professor smiled at him reassuringly. Part of Harry wished that they were back at the Villa de Luna, just the two of them. Everything had seemed so much easier then.
He sat quietly listening to the idle chatter between his friends, who were trying their best to make the situation feel normal. His ears then began to pick up on some of the conversations at the various tables around the Great Hall. It seemed like the excitement of his return escalated the conversations so much so that the students got louder and louder after each passing minute, trying to talk over one another about their own suspicions. After a day of relative quiet from his peers, Harry was not prepared to handle the rude comments flying around each table.
From the other side of the room he heard a rather loud debate about why he had slit his wrists:
"He probably tried to commit suicide because he couldn't handle the fame. Everyone is always going on about the Boy-Who-Lived!"
"No, I think it was because he is too scared to face He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named…"
"Well, wouldn't you?"
"Of course, but its not my job to defeat You-Know-Who, now is it?"
Harry's heart sunk that his suspicions about what people thought of him were true. They did all expect him to defeat the Dark Lord for them. It was written in the prophecy as well, but to hear it from someone else's mouth made that situation even more of a reality. He tried to tune them, but in the process he began to hear another conversation:
"Well, I heard that Potter and Malfoy are a couple."
"What? That's impossible. Where did you here that?"
"A first year Ravenclaw had to go to the infirmary for a tooth ache after it happened and she saw Malfoy holding his hand when he was in the infirmary…"
"Really? But they're both boys…"
"Well, DUH!"
"Wow… that's gross. I didn't know that they were gay…"
By now Harry had broken out in a cold sweat and his heart was pounding wildly. They knew about him and Draco! The one thing he had tried to keep secret… the one thing he tried to keep special… was now tainted. Harry felt like he was going to be sick. He wanted to get up and leave, but he knew the instant he moved every eye would be on him, watching his every move. He desperately wished he could just disappear. Where was his invisibility cloak when he needed it? It was probably stowed safely away in his trunk in the dormitory. Why was everyone always so concerned about what he said and did? Couldn't they just leave him be? Just when he got up enough courage to leave, he heard another disturbing comment.
"Where do you think he was all this time?"
"Didn't you know? He was in St. Mungo's in the mental ward! That's were all suicide cases go…"
This was getting really ridiculous. Although, some of their comments were true, they were now fabricating their own rumors to suit their view of the situation. The noise level in the dining hall grew steadily until it was almost deafening. Even at his own table, the Gryffindors were talking about him.
"He just wants more attention… that's why he did it…"
Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Neville were glaring furiously at everyone around them, but no one seemed to get he hint. "Shut up you bastards!" Ron spat angrily down to the either side of the long table. "Or I will make you wish you never said that."
The second years that had been talking about him looked away quickly and quieted down at Ron's sharp reprimand. His friends looked at him worriedly, but they were at a loss as to what to say. There was no way to really make he situation any better. By now it was just too much for Harry to take. He had secretly hoped that no one would know the truth and yet everyone's gossip was hitting closer to home that Harry liked.
"I can't take this right now…" said Harry. He had to get away, even if it meant everyone would see him leave.
He got up from the table and noticed Remus looking at him with concern. When Hermione and Ron rose to follow him, Harry said, "Listen, I need to be alone right now…"
He felt every pair of eyes on him as he strode quickly for the door to the Great Hall. All he wanted to do was get out of there as soon as possible. The large crowd had made him feel claustrophobic and he found himself having trouble breathing. It was strange how being locked in a cupboard and sitting in a large crowded room full people could bring about the same emotions. Their piercing stares bore into his back and made him feel as if his skin was crawling. He felt so vulnerable and alone, like every single secret he had was clearly written across his very skin for everyone to view and judge. He softly prayed that no one had figured out what happened last summer at the Dursleys. He couldn't bear it.
Once he reached the main entrance hall, Harry stopped to take a few deep breaths, but nothing seemed to calm him down. He felt his breath catch like he was going to hyperventilate. The relaxation method Remus had taught him was failing him right now and he couldn't seem to slow his heart beat. He hoped that he wasn't having another panic attack. This was all a little too reminiscent of his last attack, right before he had cut his arms to shreds. He leaned against the cold stone wall and felt it cool his hot skin.
He closed his eyes briefly, but opened them quickly when he heard footsteps approaching him. Looking up he noticed that Hermione and Ron had decided to follow him despite his warning, and that Draco was right behind him. He turned away angrily and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Harry? Are you alright?" asked Hermione, placing a hand on his shoulder. He wished he could control the shaking in his body right now, but he was too upset to do much of anything right now.
"Listen, this is not easy for me. I am sorry if I sound like an arse right now, but I just want to be left alone… Please…"
"Alright, Harry… we are only worried about you…Please remember that we will always be there if you need us…" Ron said from behind him.
"I will talk to you guys later…I promise…Okay?" he asked quietly, hoping that they would go away and leave him be.
"Alright…" said Hermione, her voice sounding tearful.
Without turning around Harry walked toward the main entrance and yanked open the large wooden door. He stepped outside into the bitter cold air and began to descend a few of the steps. Not having a proper outdoor cloak to keep him warm, Harry found himself shivering rather quickly. He knew that some of the shaking in his muscles could be attributed to the emotion coursing through his veins right now. He sat down on the stone steps and wrapped his arms around his knees to keep warm. A part of him felt the need to cry, but he wouldn't let himself. He had already shed enough tears this weekend and he really didn't think he had any tears left. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he barely noticed when a tall figure sat down beside him.
"I know you said you wanted to be alone… but I don't right now…" said Draco. "I need to talk to you…"
Harry looked at him sadly and realized again that Draco was suffering too. "They know about us…" Harry said quietly. His voice sounded cold and harsh, but he didn't mean it to sound like he was accusing Draco or anything.
"I know… that was my fault. I'm sorry, Harry… I was just so worried about you when you were in the infirmary that I didn't even think about what someone might think if they saw me holding your hand. Are you mad?"
"Not really… just confused. I hate everyone knowing my business. Why can't they leave me be…"
"I don't know… human nature, I guess. People have an innate need to make sense of what they don't understand."
Harry nodded at those words. There was a lot of truth in what Draco said. In fact that simple statement summed up the reasons for organized religion, mythology, and scientific research.
Draco scooted closer to Harry for warmth. "Are you okay?" he asked gently.
Harry leaned against him and placed his head on his shoulder. "Yeah… this is all so hard. It was easier when it was just Remus and me."
"I can imagine… how are you two doing together… getting along?"
"Things were rocky between us at first … mostly because of me… but then something amazing happened to us this weekend that brought us a lot closer together."
"Really? Was it the custody hearing?"
"Well, no, not really… Actually if you don't mind, it would be a whole lot easier on me if I could tell you and Ron and Hermione all at the same time..."
"It sounds like you have something pretty important to tell us… I can't even imagine what you have to say," said Draco, wrapping his arms around Harry in an effort to keep warm.
It felt nice being so close to Draco again. Harry could almost forget everything that happened. They sat quietly with one another, shivering in the cold when Harry finally looked at his watch.
"Dammit, I'm already late…" Harry stood up quickly and began walking back up the stairs toward the castle.
"Late for what?" asked Draco gently grabbing Harry's arm. "I kind of wanted to spend some time with you now that you are back. I missed you."
Harry smiled at the puppy dog look Draco was giving him. He found that standing on the step above Draco's made him be at perfect eye level with his boyfriend. He leaned forward and kissed Draco sweetly on his lips. "How about you meet me in the Room of Requirement in a couple of hours? I shouldn't be long. In fact, why don't you have Ron and Hermione meet us there so that I can talk to you all at once."
"Well, I kind of wanted some alone time…" Draco whined. Harry laughed at him. He had never heard Draco whine before, and it wasn't very becoming of him.
"I know… but I think I would feel better if I told you all what has happened. I don't want to keep secrets from you guys anymore. I learned the hard way how important it is to tell people what I'm feeling…"
"Alright, but where are you going now?" asked Draco.
"To meet Remus… I… well, we…. I have to still go to sessions with him while I am back at school," Harry mumbled, looking somewhat embarrassed that he had to see a therapist about his troubles.
"Every night, still?" asked Draco curiously. Harry looked at him skeptically and knew that Draco was trying to work how much time he would be able to spend with Harry each week.
"No… only like three times a week. Apparently I have made some improvement.
We're going to schedule them so they don't interfere with Quidditch practice," he replied.
"Well I'm glad that you have Remus to talk to you now, Harry…"
"Me too…" he said as he left Draco standing on the stone steps.
While Harry entered the castle, the fair headed teen looked up at the shimmering stars above him. It was a beautiful night despite the freezing temperatures, and he felt more alive than he had in a long time. Some could say the chilled air was invigorating, but deep down Draco knew it was because he had his soul mate back. He would never forget how close he had come to losing him. It was almost more than he could bear. He thanked the stars for giving Harry back to him and headed back into Hogwarts in search for Ron and Hermione.
A few minutes after leaving Draco, Harry knocked on Remus's door and entered the man's private quarters when he heard a reply.
"I wasn't sure if you would show up tonight or not," Remus said as he walked toward his new ward. The expression on his face told Harry that he knew about the rumors passing around the school about him.
"I made a commitment to you… and I'm not going to break it… I want to get better…" he said softly.
"That's good, Harry," said Remus, placing his hands on the teens shoulders. "Are you alright?"
Harry shook his head no. "Come on then… have a seat. I already have some tea ready."
Harry took the steaming cup of herbal tea from him gratefully. Remus usually put a mild calming potion in his tea, and Harry really felt like he needed it tonight. Like usual, a small fire had been lit in the fireplace. Remus had not lit any other candles so his rooms were only illuminated by the light of the fire, giving everything a soft yellow glow. Harry was reminded of their sessions spent beside the fire in the cabin and felt comforted.
"Tell me what you are feeling…" Remus encouraged him. His eyes still looked tired from their long weekend, and Harry suspected that the man had not slept at all.
"Angry… sad… violated… embarrassed mostly…" Harry said as he blew into his mug to cool the tea. He took a tentative sip and found the liquid to be at the perfect temperature. He drank another mouthful of the flavorful substance and felt warmth radiate into his extremities. He sat back and savored the wonderful feeling that came over him for a moment. He did in fact feel a lot calmer than he did a few minutes ago.
"Why is that?" asked Remus, sipping his own mug of tea. Harry noticed the absence of his quill and parchment, and wondered why he wasn't taking any notes. He hoped that this session would turn into a casual conversation, rather a series of difficult questions to answer. He understood the need for Remus to act in a professional manner, because it helped him think about Harry's problems, but it could be quite annoying.
"The whole school knows what happened to me, and they know about Draco," Harry admitted finally.
"Do you think they really know, or that they only think they know?"
Harry pondered that mouthful of a question, and replied, "Does it really matter?"
"I guess not… Is there anything else on your mind?" he probed again.
Harry nodded, but didn't say anything else. He took another sip of his tea and sighed deeply.
"Are you thinking about what happened at the Veil this weekend?" asked Remus sadly.
"Yes… actually, I'm thinking about telling my friends what happened."
"Really? That's a pretty big step for you to open up to them like that. You have been keeping a lot of secrets from them these last few months."
"I know, but it's too hard keeping secrets… I think it might be just easier to tell them what is going on. At least they won't worry so much…"
"Are you telling them because you want to, or because you feel pressured to?"
"I want to," said Harry after a few minutes. "Actually, I want to tell them tonight." What Remus didn't know was that Harry wanted to ask his friends for help in researching the Veil and possible ways that he might be able to help his late godfather. Harry knew that he wouldn't be able to carry out this task alone.
"Do you want to get going then?" asked Remus with a knowing smirk on his face.
"If you don't mind…" he asked purposely putting on a pitiful face. Harry felt like a little kid asking permission to go out and play.
"Of course… just let me know your schedule as soon as possible so we can figure out our next session… we need to also think about when to schedule your detentions."
"Sure," said Harry, rising from his seat.
"Harry… we need to start exploring some of the other… stuff… too" said Remus hesitantly. Harry knew what he was alluding to and nodded in understanding. They had mostly discussed Sirius and his experiences with Voldemort in their sessions. They also touched upon what happened after New Years with Ron and Draco. They hadn't really talked about the Dursleys all that much yet. Remus only knew bits and pieces so far and Harry had been really reluctant to admit too much else yet. As much as he wanted to forget the past he was beginning to understand how much all that stuff really affected what he said and did on a daily basis. If he had any hope of a future with Draco, he was going to have to face his demons once and for all. He turned to walk out of Remus's private quarters when he heard his voice again.
"Harry?" Remus called after him. "There's an old saying that says 'This too shall pass'… Everything is going to be alright, you know? The gossip will eventually die down after a few days. If anyone says or does anything to you, just let me or one of the other professors know."
"I know, thank you…" said Harry gratefully. Remus smiled down at him.
"I love you, kiddo, don't you forget that!" Remus gave him a one armed hug and pulled him close to his side, while he ruffled his hair.
Harry chuckled and left quietly. He was thankful that Remus allowed them to end their session early. He wanted to think about what he wanted to say to the others. He found himself walking aimlessly around the castle, with his hands in his pockets and his feet shuffling across the floor in his trainers. Thankfully the hallways were relatively quiet at this time of night. Most students were either hanging out in their common rooms or studying in the library.
Part of him debated whether or not to say anything at all, but he knew that he owed that much to them. Hermione's support had never wavered and both Ron and Draco had saved his life this year. How could he even think about hiding things from them after everything they did for him? He hoped that he wasn't leading his friends into danger like he did with Sirius.
Turning a corner he came upon a group of second year Gryffindors outside one of the older classrooms. They seemed to be talking quietly about something, and he didn't really feel like passing them, even though they were standing in the corridor that led to the room he was trying to get to. Curious, Harry leaned up against the wall behind a statue to eavesdrop on their conversation. He felt his stomach drop when he realized they were talking about him.
"You'll never guess what I just heard…" said a small girl with a long pony tail.
"What?" asked the two boys with her.
"I heard that Harry Potter slit his wrists because Malfoy was going to break up with him. A couple of Hufflepuffs that I know heard them arguing a few weeks back…"
"Are you serious? What a lame reason to try and commit suicide! I would never slit my wrists just because someone was going to break up with me. How pathetic!" said the taller boy.
Harry felt his chest rising and falling in anger. This was like the straw the broke the camel's back. He just couldn't take it any longer. Why couldn't everyone mind their own business? He grabbed his wand from inside of his robes and boldly stepped into the hallway in plain sight.
"I can't believe you three! Do you honestly believe all that shit everyone is saying about me?" He screamed at them, spittle flying from his mouth. He took a few purposeful steps towards them, trying to look menacing.
The three second years took a few steps back in fright. "H-harry… we're sorry… we didn't know you were there…" the brown haired girl tried to explain.
"Sorry? SORRY? Would you be so sorry if I hadn't caught you spreading rumors about me? You are supposed to be Gryffindors, not Slytherins! How dare you defame a member of your own house!"
"I-I… w-we…" the taller boy began.
"What? Spit it out!" Harry yelled; his body seemed to be shaking by now.
"W-we just wanted to know what happened to you. We were concerned?" one of the second years tried to explain. There eyes widened as they saw the three figures quickly approaching from behind Harry. He was yet to see their presence.
"Bull shit! You just wanted to hear a good piece of gossip. Well here is one for you! Maybe I tried to kill myself because I'm tired of Voldemort coming after me! Maybe I just wanted to save him the trouble!"
"Harry…" he heard someone say from behind him. "Let them go…" He turned his head to see Hermione, Ron, and Draco. Scowling in anger, he pushed past the younger Gryffindors and stalked down the hallway.
Harry heard Ron yelling at the second years and issuing them detentions as he searched for the door to the secret room. Hermione and Draco caught up to him, but seemed to be waiting until they were inside to say anything. Harry walked back and forth, concentrating hard on a place where he could be away from everything. Suddenly a door appeared, where it wasn't before, and Harry quickly grasped the handle and stepped inside.
He almost smiled in relief when he realized what he had wished for. The magical room had rearranged itself so that it looked very similar to the interior of the cabin Ville de Luna, his home. He walked towards one of the couches and sat down, putting his feet up on the coffee table. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, concentrating on each inhalation and exhalation. He felt the others settle in around him, waiting for the others to make the first move. Finally, a small voice broke the tension.
"What you said wasn't true, was it?" asked Hermione tentatively.
"What are you talking about?" asked Harry as he tiredly opened his eyes.
"That you tried to kill yourself to save Voldemort the trouble…"
"Of course not. Didn't Ron explain it all to you?" Harry asked in a frustrated tone.
"Yes, but I need to be sure," she replied.
"I took care of them for you, Harry. I don't think they will repeat anything you said," Ron offered, as he joined the others.
"Thanks, I guess," said Harry.
They sat there quietly for a few minutes, Harry sitting beside Draco while Ron and Hermione sat across from them holding hands. Draco had been anxious all night to hear what Harry had to say and couldn't take it any longer.
"What did you want to talk to us about? Did something happen this weekend?" the blond asked.
"Yes… something amazing and terrifying, but I am not sure how to explain it. I have been giving this a lot of thought, and I have decided that I need to know more about something before I tell you all everything," he said cryptically.
The others looked at one another in a confused manner. Harry knew that were frustrated so he tried to explain again, "Listen, I promise I will tell you all everything, it's just that I don't understand everything myself yet. Actually, that is where you come in, Hermione. There is something I need you to do for me."
"Me? What can I do?" she asked in an excited tone. It was apparent that all three of them were thrilled that Harry was even talking to them about this and that he was asking for help.
"Well… you've studied Ancient Runes here at Hogwarts, right?" Harry asked.
"To some extent, why?" she asked.
"Well, I have something here that I want you to translate for me."
Harry reached into the pocket of his jeans and took out the folded piece of lined paper that he had ripped out of his notebook earlier this morning. He had made sure to copy to the runes he saw on the arch above the veil onto a separate piece of paper. He opened the paper up and smoothed out the edges before he handed it to her. Ron and Draco leaned in to get a closer look, but seemed to be confused by the odd markings that the paper contained. Hermione studied the paper carefully with her head cocked thoughtfully to one side. She then slowly traced some of the runes with her fingers trying to decipher their meaning.
"I have never seen anything like this? Where did you get it?" she asked excitedly.
"I would rather not say right now, but those runes might be really important. I promise I will tell you everything if you are able to translate it, but I need you to give me unbiased interpretation of what all those symbols mean. What do you think? Will you do it?" he asked.
Hermione sighed thoughtfully and tried to look like it was a great bother to ask something like this of her. Harry knew her better than that though. He knew that this little act of hers was just a way to get Harry to reveal more information. He waited patiently and watched his bushy haired friend ponder the runes further. He could almost see the gears turning in her head as she studied the symbols. He knew that she would do it. Hermione was a bookworm at heart and loved an intellectual challenge.
After a long pause she said, "Okay, I'll do it, but it might take me some time with classes and all."
"No problem. Just let me know when you are finished," said Harry smiling at his friend.
"Alright, Harry. I must say you certainly have got me intrigued…" She stood up, gently rubbed Harry's arm, and then began to cross the room towards the door.
"Where are you going?" asked Ron, watching his girlfriend with a confused expression on his freckled face.
"To the library, of course! I can't wait to solve these runes," she replied in a matter-of-fact tone.
"I better go follow her or she will forget to go to bed. Good night," said Ron as he resentfully trudged after Hermione.
Draco turned towards Harry and looked thankful that they were alone again.
"You are certainly a man of many mysteries Mr. Potter," the blond said.
"Hey, I told you before… life with me will never boring."
"You're right about that one," said Draco laughing. He grabbed Harry around the middle and positioned them so that they were cuddling on the couch side by side.
"I missed you," Draco whispered in his ear.
"You said that already, silly," replied Harry, kissing Draco on the forehead.
"I know, but sometimes I don't think you believe me."
"I'm starting to," said Harry.
They both closed their eyes and sighed, thankful to have this quiet moment together. They both always felt more whole in each others arms.
A/N: I know there wasn't much in here with Harry and Draco, but I saved some scenes in the next few chapters for them. What did you all think of this chapter? I tried to make the transition between the cabin and Hogwarts as fluid as possible. When I originally set out to write this chapter it felt really disjointed. I was tempted to dwell on that long conversation Harry and Remus had after the Department of Mysteries, but I sensed that my readers wanted to move this story along. I am thinking about doing a one-shot side story in the future, when this beast is done, highlighting that conversation. What do you think?
Many thanks to all my reviewers. I love each and every review!