A/N: Sorry if seemed like it took me a while to update. I was really looking forward to writing this chapter; I just never had any time. I hope that it was worth the wait. Don't forget to give me your input!
A/N2: Blackenedsoul has drawn a picture of the Harry from my story. It is so amazing that it's like looking at an actual photograph. Since the picture wasn't tied to any scene in particular, I decided to incorporate a scene in this chapter that fits her drawing. Thanks for the inspiration blackened soul! Check out my bio for a link to her drawing.
Chapter 24- Pensieve For Your Thoughts
Weeks had passed since Harry explained his theory about the Veil to his friends and he was no closer to finding the answers he was looking for. Why couldn't he find any information about it in any of the library's books? Both he and Hermione had searched the library a dozen times looking for anything that would remotely point them in the right direction, but each time they came up with nothing. They searched through books containing information about the Ministry of Magic, death, various courtrooms, archways, and even Stone Age architecture, but they couldn't find anything that could help them save Sirius. They even tried to locate information on the veil itself, but not a single book they had looked through had ever made reference to it.
There was the possibility that the restricted section could hold some answers, but without a clear idea of what they were looking for they could spend hours in there without finding a thing. Harry really didn't want to spend an entire night beneath his invisibility cloak searching through the thousands of off limit books trying to find an answer, but it looked as if it may be the only way.
Harry wasn't about to give up on something so important, so he decided to give the library one last try. His friends were all busy doing other things, so he took the opportunity to slip out of the common room to make another attempt at this fruitless search. His thoughts lately were mostly on ways in which to save his godfather from his metaphysical prison. Harry knew all to well the horrors of reliving your worst memories in Limbo, and the guilt over the fact that he had inadvertently sent them there was eating him alive.
He was currently walking down one of the many stacks in the library tracing his finger lightly over the many tomes as he whispered the name written on each of the spines. He silently cursed the fact that the library's filing system was so archaic. Sometimes there seemed no rhyme or reason to how the books were organized. It was so different from the system he was introduced to when he attended his Muggle primary school that he couldn't wrap his brain around the organization used here. So involved he was in his dedicated search that he barely registered the fact that someone was now standing beside him.
"Ahem," said the librarian, politely clearing her throat to gain Harry's attention. Nearly jumping out of his skin, Harry turned to face Madame Pince.
"Oh, I'm sorry… didn't see you standing there…" he replied shyly.
"That's quite alright. I know you and your friend said that you didn't need any help with your mysterious research, but you have been in here nearly every day for the last few weeks and it seems as if you are no closer to your answers than when you started," she said softly. Her arms were folded neatly over her chest and she stared down over the glasses on the bridge of her nose with a knowing look.
"You're right about that," he said looking way in frustration. Harry had to admit that her statement was more than true. He and Hermione had been pretty vague to the librarian about their reasons for being there so often.
"Might I help you with something?" she asked politely. She uncrossed her and arms and folded her hands in front of her waist and waited patiently. Harry eyed her warily, but realized he had nothing else to lose.
"I'm looking for information on a veil…" he replied, hoping that she wouldn't ask any more questions.
"Is this a certain veil in particular… perhaps one that women wear during certain wizard ceremonies… or perhaps a veil that covers a window…" she trailed off naming the various uses of veils in wizarding society. Nothing she said seemed to be of the historical sense that Harry was looking for, so he remained quiet.
She pursed her lips, taking his vow of silence as a cue that he would not reveal the true nature of his research. Then the librarian nodded thoughtfully and said, "Well, Mr. Potter, since you cannot tell me what you are exactly looking for, I suppose that my only solution to your dilemma is to allow you access to my reference tome."
"I'm sorry… did you say a reference tome?" he asked quizzically.
"Yes, there is only one like it in the library and I keep it behind my desk to protect it from the thoughtless teenagers that roam these halls. Most students that come in here do not value books as one properly should and handle them carelessly. I couldn't bear it if my only reference tome were damaged beyond repair. The old book is quite rare and has been spelled to search for information a wizard may be looking for from every book within this library," Madame Pince replied matter-of-factly.
"I didn't know such a thing existed," he said. He was more surprised that Hermione hadn't known of its existence since she seemed to know about everything that went on in this school. Being a Muggle born student, Hermione had always made it a point to know as much as any wizard born student, if not more. Harry couldn't wait to rub her nose into it that he knew something about her beloved library that she didn't.
"Well, its not common knowledge that it exists. I will allow any student access to it who needs use of it; they only need to ask, which you and Mrs. Granger clearly never did. I could have saved you quite a lot of trouble you know," she said pointedly.
Harry groaned inwardly at his own stupidity. He certainly could have saved a lot of time if he had only asked for Madame Pince's help in the first place. They had been worried that if they told her why they were searching for information on the veil that was contained within the Ministry of Magic that she would inevitably tell the headmaster and then all would be lost. "May I please use it?" he asked politely.
"Of course," she said smiling at him. "Right this way."
They crossed the spacious library over to her massive desk. She reached below the counter and pulled out a small book that seemed at least a few centuries old. How could something so small hold enough information to search every single book in the entire library? Harry thought to himself. The thin book was so old that he was fearful to even touch the pages for fear that it would fall apart on him. Madame Pince handed it to him with great care and saw the look on his face.
"It's alright, Mr. Potter. I'm sure you will take great care of it. All you need to do is write the word or words that you need information about on one of its pages. Then tap your wand on that page three times and say Invenio. The reference tome will search every book in the library and give you the title and author of the book where that information is contained. I suggest that you write down that information because once you close the reference tome, the most recent search will be erased."
"Thank you Madame Pince," said Harry staring down at the tattered book in his hands with awe. "You don't know what your help means to me."
"That's why I'm here dear," she said. She turned away from him and began to quietly return used books back to the stacks by flicking her wand in the proper direction. As she went about her business, Harry found a quiet corner to do his research. Fortunately, there were only a few other students in the library so he knew that he wouldn't be disturbed. He was still dealing with some of the gossip floating around school about his recent disappearance and the nature of his relationship with Draco.
The raven haired teen sat down at a rather worn out wooden table near the back of the library and then retrieved his quill and ink from his shoulder bag. Setting his things on the table before him, he carefully turned the cover back on the reference tome, listening to it creak open with age. He then found himself staring at a creamy yellow page that shimmered slightly in the soft glow of the candle light.
Harry filled his quill with ink with determination and carefully wrote the word archway into the reference tome. He tapped the page three times and said Invenio just as the librarian said. The word seemed to soak into the page, and for a moment Harry was slightly terrified. This experience was far too similar to what happened to Ginny and him when they wrote in Tom Riddle's diary back in his second year. The page glowed brightly for several minutes and seemed to be processing his request. After another moment the old page revealed a short list of books and authors. He relaxed when he realized that he wasn't in any danger. Scanning the page, Harry noticed that he and Hermione had already checked each one of those books in one of their earlier searches.
Taking a deep breath, Harry tried the same process on the next page with the word veil. He waited patiently as the book shimmered and vibrated softly. It seemed as if it was searching the entire library because it took several more minutes than before. This time only one book and author was revealed: A Wizard's Analysis of Celtic Mythology by Theodore Waterbane.
Harry stared at the title of the book in confusion. What did Celtic Mythology have to do with Sirius or the Veil? Maybe it was a mistake? He tried the reference tome again using the same word as before, but achieved the same result once again. He was deeply disappointed that it was the only book that seemed to contain information on a veil. He copied down the title and author quickly on a spare piece of parchment before trying a few other key words in the reference tome. He had no other luck during that late afternoon, and most of the books that had turned up were ones that they had already tried looking through before.
Feeling rather defeated Harry ran his fingers through his messy hair and rubbed at his tired eyes. He then packed up his things and walked towards the librarian's desk. He handed her the reference tome and said thank you softly. Sensing his sadness she asked him, "Is there anything else I can help you with? Didn't you find your search useful?"
"Not really… I did come up with one title, but I'm not sure how useful it will be to me." He showed her the name of the book he had written on the parchment.
"Celtic Mythology? Really? I didn't think you would be interested in such a thing. Most boys your age are only interested in Quidditch…" her voice trailed off again as she walked towards the stacks searching for the book. Harry followed her quietly thinking that searching for the book was pointless. He knew a little about Celtic Mythology from when he lived with Muggles and he never heard about a Veil before.
Madame Pince searched several stacks before finding the dusty old book tucked in the corner between two shelves. "Here we are… I hope that this was what you were looking for."
"I guess… thank you," he said taking the thick green book from her hands. He decided that looking through it was worth a shot so he seated himself back at the table he was before. He blew onto the cover of the old book to rid it of some of the dust and saw that inlaid in the cover and spine was gilded lettering that said the title and author of the book. Also on the cover was a picture of the goddess Eiru, outline again in the same gold leaf.
Harry quickly flipped through the pages, scanning the pictures depicting gods and goddesses, feasts and battles, and several strange looking beasts. The table of contents did not prove to be very useful so he then went to the index at the back of the book hoping that he would find a list of pages under the word veil. Sure enough there were several listed. Curiously, Harry turned to one of the first pages that was listed and began to read.
Otherworld
The otherworld is a general term in Muggle Celtic Mythology for the various lands of the gods, both good and evil and for the place where one is reborn after death. The veil between these worlds is said to be rather thin at certain magical times during the year. The Celts were one of the first European peoples to believe in the immortality of the soul. The belief was that death was only a changing of place and that life went on with all its forms and foods in another world, a world of dead that gave up living souls to this world. Many Muggle Christians would call this place heaven. Celts also sometimes believed that the dead lived with fairy folk.
Harry stopped reading for a moment and remembered something that Dumbledore said to him after his first encounter with Voldemort during his first year. "To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure," he had said. Harry smiled while remembering this and thought about his parents. He liked the idea of James and Lily Potter alive and well in an otherworld waiting for him to join them. He forced his mind to leave his short fantasy and focus on the task at hand. Once again he began to read:
Another form of the Otherworlds is a dark, brooding purgatory known today as Limbo, where souls relive their worst memories for eternity. Celts called this place the Fomorii Islands and described it as being protected by misshapen Merpeople. Another Otherworld is called the Mag Mell, or Land of Youth. Unlike many of the otherworlds in most mythologies, Mag Mell was a pleasurable paradise, either on a beautiful tropical island or at the bottom of the ocean.
Harry briefly wondered if this was the place that Draco was transported to while he was in Limbo with Harry. He remembered Draco explaining about why he had thought he was taken from his memory of being in his father's dungeon to the island paradise. It seemed possible that there were ways for souls to cross from one otherworld to the next. Perhaps there was a way for Sirius to do the same. He mused for a moment that maybe all lost souls had to do was merely get past all their pain and suffering like Draco did, and accept that which they cannot change in order to move on. But would Sirius be able to cross back into the land of the living?
He returned back to the text, but there didn't seem to be anything else referring to a veil on the next few pages. This information wasn't exactly what he was looking for, but it was certainly more than he had to go on before. Harry glanced back at the index, and noticed that there were still a few more pages that he would have to read on the Veil elsewhere in the book. He hoped that they would be a little more promising.
Feeling rather tired, he glanced at his watch and noticed the time. Harry was surprised to see that he had already missed dinner and that his session with Remus would be coming up rather shortly. He decided that he would definitely need to go down to the kitchens to grab a bite to eat or he would never hear the end of it from Hermione. He also felt like taking a nap before the weekly session as well. Harry was by no means looking forward to tonight's conversation one bit.
He carefully closed the book, grabbed his things, and approached the librarian again. "May I please check this book out of the library?"
"Of course. Maybe your search wasn't so fruitless after all? Hmm?" she asked. Harry smiled politely and waited as she wrote his name and the book he was borrowing into her log book.
"Thanks again for your help," he said as he left the library.
"No problem, Mr. Potter. Anytime. Enjoy the book!" she said.
After making his way down to the kitchens (where he was ambushed by Dobby and Winky with copious amounts of affection), Harry returned to the common room to find Ron and Hermione studying with Neville and Ginny. They looked up at him worriedly, seeing the tiredness on his face. He quickly explained where he had been all afternoon and that he needed a nap. He also stated that he would like to be left alone for a while. They all agreed readily and promised to keep his other dorm mates out of their room while he rested up a bit. Harry was thankful that they didn't press him further on the subject.
He climbed the stairs with heavy steps and upon reaching his dorm room threw his bag down beside his bed. He toed off his trainers and then flopped down onto his bed rather unceremoniously. His arms and legs sprawled, he lay there feeling the full weight of his body along the soft four poster bed. Sometimes he felt so old and weary that he could hardly get himself up in the morning. It took an enormous amount of strength to deal with everything in his life sometimes, and he wondered if it was even worth it to get out of bed each day. He oddly wondered if there was anyone else that felt as burdened as he did with the entire weight of the world on his shoulders. Probably Dumbledore- he had defeated Grindelwald. Maybe even Snape- he was an ex-Death Eater turned spy- that couldn't have been easy.
He took his glasses off with his left hand and rubbed at his eyes tiredly with his right. As sleepy as he was, he knew that he would be unable to fall asleep. Too many things were running through his mind at the moment. He hadn't stopped thinking about the Veil, or about the information he had read in the book about Celtic Mythology. He wondered what else the mysterious book might hold, but he was too tired at the moment to make sense of anything else if he tried to read some more. He lay there quietly for a few more minutes sighing deeply now and then.
Mostly Harry thought about what he was going to tell Remus at their session tonight. He had certainly been successful at pushing off the inevitable conversation by manipulating their discussion in his favor. Part of him realized that Remus had probably allowed this control, but he felt empowered by it nonetheless. If he was going to talk about anything it had to be on his terms.
Remus had tried to encourage Harry several times to start talking about the Dursleys during their sessions, especially about his memories of being abused. With his support Harry was finally able to open up about a lot of things. He was able to talk about the verbal abuse on several occasions. That was easy. He could even talk about some of the physical abuse as well. Draco had seemingly helped him with that. But when it came to the emotional abuse he was subjected to, or especially the sexual abuse, Harry couldn't find the courage to say anything at all. How do you explain to someone that you feel as worthless as the Dursleys made you out to be?
He had been conditioned to think that he deserved the treatment that he got. It had been told to him so often that he shouldn't tell anyone about his awful secrets that it had been ingrained into his very being. He hated that he felt dirty and used. He hated that he had been unwittingly used as his uncle's play toy for so long. But what he hated most was that anyone knew about it all in the first place.
If only he had hidden the truth from Ron and Draco on that fateful day. He had replayed the event by the stream when he was staying at the Burrow over and over again in his head. Each time he wished that he had somehow kept the truth from them, but they had coerced it out of him in the end. Remus had inevitably found out and he was now determined to help Harry overcome the trauma he had been through.
As much as he appreciated everything Remus had done for him, he was immensely embarrassed and ashamed and horrified that he knew about the abuse. He wished that he could go back to that pure and innocent little kid that Remus met sixteen years ago. He was terrified that Remus might disown him or something once he found out the whole truth. He knew deep down that that would never happen, but the doubt lingered in the back of his mind like some disease. He also sometimes wished that he could go back in time and prevent the deaths of his parents from even happening. Maybe then he would never have had to endure all the shit that had happened in his life. Mostly he wished that he hadn't let Vernon touch him in the first place, but then again he had been only a little kid. He didn't know any better, right?
Harry scowled heavily as he thought about his uncle and rotated the earpiece of his glasses around and around in his hand so that his glasses spun back and forth. He couldn't figure out how he was going to avoid this conversation much longer, and it seemed as if it may have to happen tonight. He then set his glasses on the night stand beside him to prevent the disaster of breaking them once again.
Harry then turned onto his side and rested his head on the crook of his left arm. He gazed blurrily out the window of his dormitory and was suddenly awed at the sight he beheld. An amazing sunset was in the making, splayed with colors of gold and orange and red that illuminated the clouds and the sky with their ethereal light. Harry never noticed it before, but as the sun set, its rays reflected off the panes of the window in his dorm in such a way that the glass seemed to shimmer and glow with movement.
Harry was oddly reminded of the shimmery fluid contained within in his pensieve. It was then that he realized what he should do. If he couldn't talk about everything openly because it was too painful, maybe he could show Remus what happened to him instead.
Nearly an hour later, Harry found himself outside Remus's door toting a heavy wooden box. Not having a hand free to knock, he gently kicked the door with his foot, signaling to Remus that he had arrived. It hadn't occurred to him to simply levitate the heavy object all the way there.
"Hey Harry," the older man said. "Come inside. The house elves have just brought us some tea and cookies."
"Okay," said Harry. He made his way over to the couch and sat down, setting the large box on the coffee table in the process. Seeing his mug already set out for him, he grabbed it and breathed in the pleasant aroma. Taking a tentative sip he found that his tea had already been sweetened for him and was at the perfect temperature. He hated it when his tea was too hot to drink. From the odd sensation that overcame him, Harry knew that a calming draught had been added to his tea tonight. For all he knew, Remus may have always added it, but the effects felt stronger than usual. That could only mean one thing… he was preparing him for the dreaded conversation.
Remus sat across from him with his parchment and quill in hand, getting ready to start their session. Harry knew that he had noticed the box when he came in, but he probably figured it was full of pictures or something. Now that they were both seated, Harry saw Remus eye the wooden structure quickly. It was then that he noticed that Harry hadn't brought just any old wooden box. He had brought the one thing that had saved him from his never ending nightmares. Moreover, the precious box was the one thing that held all of Harry's worst memories.
"Uh… Harry… why did you bring your pensieve?" asked Remus. The older man looked at Harry curiously. He had seen the box that contained the stone bowl while Harry stayed with him at Ville de Luna, but Harry had never shared the contents of it with him before.
Harry raised his hand to silence Remus and began to speak, "Hear me out, okay? I know that talking about some of my past is important for me to heal, but I still can't seem to find the words to describe what happened to me. I thought maybe I could show you instead."
"I don't know Harry… what is it you want me to see…"
"What happened to me last summer… before I came to the Burrow…" Harry said looking down into his mug. The fire light reflected off the surface of the tea and Harry found himself staring at his own reflection. He quickly turned his head and stared at the box instead, finding the sight of his own face somewhat repulsive.
"No, Harry… I can't see that… It would be like a violation of your privacy… I would much rather just talk to you about it and hear in your own words how you feel about everything," said Remus. He had gotten up from his seat was now pacing around the room in a worrisome manner. Harry had certainly sprung something unexpected upon him and it seemed he couldn't decide how to proceed.
"Please Remus… I haven't really ever told anyone everything that happened to me. I think this may be the only way that I will be able to."
"Harry, I really don't know… it just doesn't seem right…"
"Please?" Harry asked pitifully. "I don't really want you to see what happened to me either, but I cannot avoid this conversation for much longer…" His emerald green eyes looked up at his new guardian pleadingly.
Remus finally stopped his incessant pacing and sat across from Harry once again. He leaned forward and rubbed his face tiredly as if trying to arrive at some decision. "You really want to do this?"
Harry nodded silently. Remus looked around the room, anywhere but at him, thinking carefully. Finally, he looked back at his young ward who looked so small and pitiful on the overlarge couch that occupied his personal quarters. "I will make you a deal Harry… you try to talk about as much as you can… and if you get to a point where you don't think you can go on… then we will decide if this is something you still want to share with me… okay?"
Harry wasn't exactly happy about the decision, but he wasn't left with much a choice. He had been hoping to get this whole nightmare over with rather quickly. "Alright," he agreed sadly.
"Good, then where to you want to start tonight?" said Remus sitting back casually.
"I'm not really sure," said Harry. He took one last sip of his tea and placed the empty mug on the coffee table between them. He eyed the cookies but decided not to touch them as his stomach lurched violently. He was suddenly not very hungry now that he knew what he had to do.
"Why don't you start at the beginning of the summer after your fifth year…" Remus suggested. Harry was grateful to see that Remus had abandoned his quill in parchment in favor of a more casual conversation. It helped to put Harry at ease.
"Okay… well… I was pretty upset after… you know… what happened at the Ministry and all… so I wasn't looking forward to going back to Privet Drive. You and the others tried to make it clear to my uncle at the train station that they should start treating me better, but he didn't seem to understand or care. The Dursleys thought that I had somehow put the members of the Order up to it," Harry paused a moment to sigh softly. "Things got pretty bad after that. I'm not really surprised though… it's not like they ever treated me right or anything. I was just a burden… a worthless freak that got left on their doorstep…"
"Harry, you're not a burden or a worthless freak….you know that, right?" Remus interjected.
Harry looked up at him in an annoyed manner. "Remus, this is hard enough as it is. Please don't interrupt me unless you find it absolutely necessary."
Remus's jaw dropped at Harry's assertive tone and then nodded in agreement. Seeing that he wouldn't be interrupted again he began his story. "Vernon seemed like he was always in a foul mood that summer; probably because his business was doing so poorly. He liked to blame his problems on me, and seemed to find great pleasure in making my life a living hell. My quality of life, if you can even call it that, decreased dramatically while at the Dursley's. I found myself locked in the cupboard under the stairs once again, and was only allowed out to do my chores. My portions of food, if I received anything at all, were near nonexistent because Dudley had been put back on his diet again."
"Vernon even went so far as to intercept all the owls, which angered him to no end, and burned my letters from my friends before I could read them. He forced me to write these dictated letters to everyone so that no one would get suspicious. There wasn't any way I could get word out that I was being mistreated even if I wanted to. Not that I really did… with Voldemort being back, Dumbledore said that I would only be safe from him at the Dursleys. I had some kind of protection there because of a blood tie with my aunt. I didn't want anyone else to get hurt like Sirius and Cedric did…" Harry's voice trailed off momentarily as he became lost in thought. With a nod from Remus he continued.
"I later found out from Dudley that Vernon had burned all my things in the backyard the night I had come home. I thought I was going to go crazy from the anger and grief I felt. My only saving grace was that I had the presence of mind to stow my wand, invisibility cloak, and photo album under my overly large clothing before we left the train station. I had planned on hiding it under the loose floor board in my room… I had no idea that I would get thrown in my cupboard instead."
Harry paused momentarily, not really sure what he should say next. Up until now the conversation had been surprisingly rather easy, but what he had to say next was going to be really difficult. He had already revealed more of his home life than he had ever told anyone before. A lump was slowly forming in the back of his throat, making it difficult to say anything else. His chest felt tight and constricted.
"Are you alright Harry?" asked Remus, noticing his sudden discomfort. He nodded thoughtfully, but refused to look at him. He felt so stupid and weak under Remus's scrutiny. He knew deep down that all this therapy would help him become a more happy and healthy person, but why did it have to be so hard?
"Do you think you can continue?" he asked. Harry nodded again. "When did your uncle start hitting you?" Remus asked carefully. Harry was shocked to hear him say it out loud. It sounded so cold put in that way, but he supposed there was no nice way to ask something like that.
Harry took a deep breath and tried to will away the knot that was still his throat. "Uncle V-Vernon has b-beaten me ever since I can remember, but it never got that bad before. It seemed like… he would h-hit… it seemed like he would h-hit me for n-no reasons sometimes… e-everything hurt… I had b-bruises and c-cuts all over my body… I think my ribs might have been f-fractured too. At one point my u-uncle began b-beating m-me with his b-belt for not getting all my chores done…" Harry paused to wipe away a stray tear and swallowed with some difficulty. Talking aloud was becoming increasingly more difficult. Remus came around the table to sit beside him, and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, willing him to go on.
"How often… Harry?" asked his guardian.
"I-I don't know… maybe everyday… I kind of lost track of the time…" He whispered softly. This was getting more and more difficult.
"Harry, I really don't want to ask you this… but it's necessary so that you can begin to heal… I know that you want a healthy relationship with Draco, right?"
Harry nodded and squeezed his eyes tightly, hoping that the tears would refrain from falling down his face. As safe as he felt around Remus, he wished that he were anywhere else but here right now. "Have you been having difficulty in your relationship with Draco?" Remus asked.
Harry knew that Remus already knew the answer. It was his way of starting the dreaded conversation without having to come out and say the words himself. "Yes," he replied weakly.
"Why?"
"Because of things that have happened to me… things that my u-uncle d-did to me…" Harry said softly. His voice was barely audible and he wondered if Remus could even hear him.
"What happened, Harry?" asked Remus as he removed his arm from Harry's shoulder carefully. The small boy was thankful that he had done so. He was still funny about touch sometimes, and he didn't think he could talk about what he needed to with Remus so close to him physically. By taking his arm away it gave Harry the security of the small amount of distance that he needed to remain detached.
"It h-happened mostly when I was really little… b-before I knew any better. My u-uncle would t-touch m-me… in a way that he wasn't supposed to. It usually happened when my aunt went out or if I was taking a b-bath," Harry cringed slightly as he thought about his seven year old self lying in the cool water of the tub while his uncle did unspeakable things to him.
"I-it's okay Harry… it's just you and me here… you can go on…" Remus said encouragingly.
"I-it didn't happen often though… mostly when my u-uncle got d-drunk. My aunt always refused him when he's like that…" Harry was crying openly now, but he wasn't even aware that the tears had started to fall from his face.
"Harry, what did he do?" asked Remus. Harry glanced up at Remus for a second wondering if he would have the strength to tell him and saw the unshed tears in Remus's eyes. "Tell me, Harry… it's alright…"
"H-he would t-touch me in p-private areas… b-between my legs… sometimes he would make me t-touch h… h-him…" Harry choked on a sob and brought his hands up to his face. "H-he s-said that I had to be a 'good' boy for him or I w-was going to g-get it…." The tears continued to fall unencumbered down his pale cheeks and splashed down from his chin on to his now soaked shirt.
Without being prompted Harry tried to continue. Remus looked somewhat surprised and was caught wiping away a stray tear of his own. He felt that the needed to get the whole story out before it consumed him entirely. "L-last summer things got worse… like I said Uncle Vernon had b-been having a lot of problems at w-work and started going to the local pub every day. One n-night he came h-home and he…"
Harry opened and closed his mouth but he found that he couldn't continue. The lump in the back of his throat from trying to suppress his shameful tears seemed to be constricting his ability to speak. All the came out was a strangled cry as he began to sob more loudly. He felt Remus's arms go around Harry, and heard him whisper comforting things in his ear. He couldn't seem to calm down in the slightest. What was upsetting him so much that he was so weak that he couldn't even tell his new guardian what happened to him that summer? It was just words, wasn't it? Why was he so afraid?
"Shhh… Harry, it's alright… you don't have to talk about anything else tonight… you have done so well… thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this…" said Remus, still holding him tightly. Harry continued to sob into his shoulder, relishing the comfort that was being bestowed on him.
"No," said Harry through his tears. "I want you to know everything… right now… I don't want to have to come back here and do this all over again…"
"Harry…." said Remus pulling back. He knew what the teen was asking of him.
"Please Remus, I need you to know…. so that you understand why I am so messed up…"
"Can't you just tell me in your words? I don't want to actually see what happened to you…" he said truthfully.
"I can't… every time I try… I just like shut down or something… I can't even write it … please…:" Harry begged him. He had already begun to feel a lot better about himself after sharing his past with Remus during their sessions. He had been reassured time and time again that nothing that happened to him was his fault and that he had no need to feel the shame. He was hoping that by sharing this last traumatizing experience that it would finally set him free from this emotional anguish he felt deep inside… free to be a normal kid… free to pursue a serious relationship with Draco, without having to deal with his past all the time… free to live like everyone else.
After a long time Remus finally agreed. He seemed very reluctant at first, but Harry knew that he would do anything for him… even if it meant reliving his worst memory so that he could continue to help Harry heal.
Harry sat down on the floor in front of the coffee table, and whispered an incantation. He heard the lock click open inside the wooden box, and he lifted the lid. Carefully he slipped his hands inside and picked the heavy pensieve up. He then placed it on the table before him. Remus seemed to be watching him intently. As apprehensive as he was about doing this, Harry knew that he was fascinated by the pensieve itself as well. It was somewhat smaller than the one in Dumbledore's office and was covered in modern wizarding runes.
Harry touched the surface of the silver liquid with his wand and closed his eyes searching for one of his most traumatic memories. Finding what he was looking for, he sat back and opened his eyes. Harry had decided before he had ever come that he was not going to follow Remus into the memory. It was bad enough to experience it the first time.
"I've never done this before… what will happen?" asked Remus. Harry was somewhat surprised at first, but then remembered that pensieves were somewhat rare and he was most fortunate to have had as much experience with them as he did.
"I have already searched for the memory I am looking for. Concentrate on the image in the bowl and you should feel yourself enter the memory. You won't be able to change anything that happened so don't even try. You will only be able to watch as an observer," Harry explained.
"Alright," said Remus nodding. He steadied his hands on either side of the stone bowl and tried to compose himself before entering the memory. Soon the professor was magically transported into the stone bowl where he became an observer to a most horrific scene.
Harry curled up at the end of the couch and sought the warmth from the fire. He suddenly felt very cold inside as he thought about what he had just done. Was it a mistake to ask Remus to do this? What would he think of him afterwards? What if he was disgusted by him or something?
Harry brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. His heart felt like it had suddenly sunk into his stomach, and he was overcome by worry. He thought about the horrific images Remus must be witnessing… his uncle staggering in the house from the pub… stale whiskey heavy on his breath… opening the cupboard door roughly…. His uncle beating his already weakened and bruised body for being a worthless freak… then his uncle changing his tone of voice until it is almost icky-sweet… asking Harry to be a "good boy" for his uncle like old times… only this time he took it a step further… viciously ripping off his pants when Harry refused… the large man violating him repeatedly until his own obese body was spent… Harry crying and begging him to stop… threatening to tell someone if he didn't… Vernon strangling him in rage… screaming at him that if he told anyone that he would find and kill him… Harry believing him with every fiber of his being… and finally running away when he discovered that his uncle had forgotten to lock the cupboard in his drunken state…
He sat there unknowingly rocking himself back and forth as he thought about Remus in his memory of that terrifying night. He waited several minutes for Remus to return, hoping that the man would be sympathetic about what had happened to him and not disgusted.
Finally, Remus's body was transported back into the room with a bright glow. He stumbled backwards and fell upon the couch behind him heavily. Harry eyed him warily not sure of what to say. Remus seemed confused and his eyes were unfocused. When he finally shook his head to clear the fog, he looked over to where Harry was sitting. His face changed rapidly from one of confusion to realization. His face paled considerably and he looked as if he might be sick. Then, without warning, Remus leapt up from the couch and ran for the open door way of the bathroom.
Harry stood up to follow him, wondering what was wrong when he heard his guardian throwing up in the toilet in the bathroom. His worst fear had been realized… Remus was disgusted by him. He probably thought he was weak for letting his uncle do that to him… he probably was ashamed of him as well. Overcome by emotion Harry didn't wait to find out the truth. He ran from Remus's private rooms like a bat out of hell.
He ran down the corridors at an insane speed, not really knowing where he was going. Right now only one thing was on his mind… he needed to cut… oh god he needed to cut so bad… he had to let out all this pain…
Suddenly deciding where he needed to go he changed directions and ran towards his safe haven. He ran blindly and wasn't even aware that someone was running after him calling his name. For the second time that day he was caught unaware, as he felt an arm grab him roughly around the waist to stop his insane sprint.
"Harry!" Draco shouted.
"No... stop…" Harry moaned through his erratic breathing. He struggled away from Draco's grasp and backed away towards the wall.
"Harry… it's me… what's wrong… what's going on…" Draco asked as he approached him slowly.
Harry looked up as he recognized the voice talking to him. His heart swelled with emotion at the sight of his beloved Draco. After everything he had been through this evening, he needed him now more than ever. Harry launched himself into Draco's arms and began to cry once again. Draco wrapped his arms protectively around Harry and tried to calm him down.
"Love, what is it? I can't help you if you won't tell me…" Draco tried. Harry continued to sob, saying nothing. Seeing that they were near their special place, Draco steered Harry towards the Room of Requirement and sat him down on one of the couches.
"Damn it Harry, what has got you so upset…" he tried again. Draco was trying to be patient, but he was also growing angry as well. He had started to speculate on what had caused his boyfriend to be so distraught and thought that maybe someone had hurt him. No one would hurt his Harry again and get away with it.
"I need to cut…" Harry revealed. "I don't want to, but I need to so bad…" He looked down and saw that his hands were shaking.
"What? Why?" asked Draco angrily. He wouldn't tolerate anyone hurting Harry, including Harry himself.
Harry looked up at his now angry boyfriend and sighed. He would have to tell him eventually, might as well be now. He wiped away one of the last remaining tears and said, "Remus…"
Without allowing Harry to continue, Draco jumped up and said, "Remus hurt you? I'll kill that son of a bitch!"
"Draco, no… sit down and I will tell you," said Harry grabbing one of Draco's arms. Seeing that he wouldn't make another outburst Harry began again. "I had a session with Remus tonight and I ended up telling him a lot of what happened to me at the Dursleys… when I got to the part about the…. r-rape… I couldn't g-go on… so I asked him to see the memory in my p-pensieve…"
"You did?" asked Draco sounding surprised.
"Yeah, only I don't think it was a good idea," he replied regrettably.
"Why's that?"
"Because Remus is disgusted at the sight of me now… he probably won't want some pathetic weak excuse of a human being hanging around him this summer…"
"You don't honestly believe that, do you Harry?" asked Draco grabbing his hand and giving it a squeeze.
"You didn't seem him Draco… he took one look at me and had to go vomit in the bathroom…"
"Listen, I don't think…." Draco began, but he was interrupted by a knock at the door.
"Harry?" they heard Remus call from the other side. Draco looked at him to see what he should do about the adult that had intruded on their sation.
"I guess just let him in… I can't avoid him forever…" said Harry, who had curled back up with his knees to his chest, and his arms encircling around them. The need to cut had not yet diminished and he wondered how much longer he could hold out.
Draco crossed the room and opened the door. Remus looked relieved to see Harry. The older man crossed the room quickly and sat down beside the distraught teen. His eyes were red rimmed like he had been crying as well.
"Why did you leave like that? Did I do something wrong? Didn't you want me to see your memory…" Remus began to question him.
"I thought I did, but once you had entered the pensieve I started to have some doubts. I thought you might be disgusted by me, and when you came back out you took one look at me and threw up…" said Harry. A single tear had coursed its way down his cheek. He wiped it away hastily, cursing himself for being so weak as to cry as often as he did.
"Oh Harry… I am not disgusted by you… the reason I got sick was that I was so upset by what I had seen… Your uncle is a horrible excuse for a human being… It broke my heart to see you hurt in that way… I'm so sorry that we didn't rescue you… I'm so sorry that you were sent to live there… I'm so sorry for everything that has ever happened to you… I hope that you will still allow me to help you…" Remus's voice sounded desperate and his eyes became glassy once again as he was overcome by the emotion of the situation.
Harry looked up at Draco who had sat down on the other couch, not wanting to interfere with the conversation. He gave Harry encouraging look as if to say "Accept his help you idiot!"
"You still want me to stay with you?" asked Harry tentatively.
"Of course I do Harry. Why wouldn't I?" he asked. Harry merely shrugged as if it were a conclusion that any person might jump to. "You need to learn that I will always care about you and want you around. That will never change no matter what you say or do, or what may happen to you. Alright?"
Harry nodded and gave him a smile. Remus reached out and gave him a quick hug. He flattened down his messy hair a bit, and asked him, "Are you really alright?"
Harry was about to nod yes, but caught Draco's eye. He knew that he would have to admit the truth before Draco said something. "Well… not really. I-I was going to go c-cut myself when I ran into Draco…"
"You were… but I thought… do you still want to?" said Remus, processing this startling revelation.
"Not as much as before… but a little… I didn't really realize until now that I actually have a problem… I'm not so sure now that I can control it."
"It won't be easy, but you will learn in time. Do you want me to stick around or would you like to be alone with Draco?"
Harry was touched by the man's thoughtfulness. "Alone please…"
"Alright, but I want you to come see me tomorrow night to check in. Okay?"
Harry nodded and gave Remus a quick hug. "Good night kiddo. I love you…"
Remus then turned to Draco and whispered something in his ear. After several minutes, Draco nodded in response, but didn't offer to tell Harry what was said. He briefly wondered if Remus had asked his boyfriend to watch out for him so that he didn't cut himself. Remus quietly left the room, and Draco came over to where Harry was sitting and grabbed his hand.
"You know I love you, right?" asked Draco, looking into his emerald eyes.
"Yes… I love you too…" Harry said smiling.
"Good, because I don't think I say it enough…" The tall blonde leaned over and kissed Harry sweetly on the lips, and then pulled him into a hug. "Do you feel like doing anything?"
"Not really…" Harry replied. In fact he felt rather tired from his ordeal.
"Good because neither do I…" And with that Draco pulled him into a hug and lay down beside him on the long couch. They cuddled each other through most of the night, breaking once in a while to kiss and caress one another. It was just what Harry needed after such a hectic day. A long peaceful night beside the one he loved.
A/N: Invenio means "find" in Latin.
A/N2: I actually had to go back and re-read parts of my own stories BMTL and EOTM so that I was consistent as far as the details on the abuse. It's been so long and I have written so much that I forgot a lot of it already. Is that normal?
A/N3: This note is actually pretty important. My beta and I did a lot of research on Celtic Mythology in order to make the existence of the Veil more believable. Most of what you will read in the "excerpts" is information we have collected and is factual in the historical sense. Some of the information has been "fudged," so to speak, with my own interpretation of what may be possible wizard history. It should be fairly easy to tell the difference so please don't point out any inaccuracies if you are a Celtic Mythology buff of something. I hope that you all enjoy the interesting angle I have taken. You will see more Celtic Myth's in the next few chapters.
A/N4: As far as the pensieve goes, my story is working on the premise that although Harry has placed his memories of his uncle in the pensieve, he hasn't lost his knowledge of what happened to him. Does that make sense? For example, you may know about things that happened to you when you were real little, but may have no actual memories of it because you were too young. I hope that clarified any confusion.
Many thanks to all my reviewers and readers! And a million thanks to my beta/ researcher Drae for all her inspiration!