SEINFELD EPISODE 182
The Archies
Written By: David Adler
GEORGE
I saw a homeless guy yesterday.
JERRY
Congratulations.
GEORGE
Will you let me finish?
JERRY
You mean there's more.
GEORGE
Yes.
JERRY
Well by all means, go ahead.
GEORGE
You know how they're always giving them those really ugly sports-jackets?
JERRY
Like with the checkers and the polka-dots?
GEORGE
Why can't they wear normal clothes? Why do they have to dress them up like used-car salesman? It's like they're advertising for a homeless circus or something.
JERRY
That's the best you could come up with?
GEORGE
Well I don't see you contributing anything.
JERRY
I feel like I'm in a fog.
GEORGE
I always feel like I'm in a fog.
JERRY
I'm not sharp. I tried writing some new material yesterday. I couldn't get anything done.
GEORGE
You wrote some new material? Lets hear it.
JERRY
Alright. But I'm telling you it's not very good.
GEORGE
Better than the Heil 5?
JERRY
Maybe. Listen. "What's the deal with doors? Why can't they just settle on push or pull? Sometimes you push, sometimes you pull. (Repeating slowly and languorously) What's the deal with doors?"
GEORGE
Hmm.
JERRY
Not good, huh.
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Well it's the best I could come up with. I'm telling you, something's wrong.
GEORGE
Have you been eating any dairy?
JERRY
Not more than usual. Why?
GEORGE
Sometimes when I have dairy, I go a little crazy.
JERRY
What, like iced-cream?
GEORGE
Iced cream isn't dairy.
JERRY
If it comes from a cow, it's dairy.
GEORGE
(Shakes his head) What about a steak? That comes from a cow. Is a steak dairy?
JERRY
(Extremely frustrated, almost yelling) Yeah, a steak is dairy.
GEORGE
Well it comes from a cow!
JERRY
(About to blow his top, but calms down) Whoa. You know what, forget it. I don't think I want to have this conversation.
GEORGE
You're right. It's stupid. Just forget it.
(Flags waitress)
GEORGE
Excuse me darling. I'll have some iced-cream. Chocolate.
JERRY
Oh, I remembered what I was going to tell you.
GEORGE
See, this is good. This is what I like. Now I feel like I've done something.
JERRY
I broke up with Dahlia.
GEORGE
Dahlia? Who's that.
JERRY
(Thinking)
GEORGE
What are you doing?
JERRY
I'm trying to think of the right word to describe her. Not girlfriend.
GEORGE
What, just "friend?"
JERRY
No. I didn't really like her.
GEORGE
Well, did you..
JERRY
No. We never got around to that.
GEORGE
So what was this relationship?
JERRY
I'm not sure. Convenient.
GEORGE
Well what was wrong with her? Big ears?
JERRY
No. She was too nice. Too happy. She was always smiling. It was really annoying.
GEORGE
Oh, so she was "Go-lucky."
JERRY
That's the problem. She wanted to be everybody's friend. It was awful going out with her. Like last week we went out for dinner and she asked the waiter to come eat with us. I was afraid to tell her it was over.
GEORGE
So how did she take it?
JERRY
Pretty hard.
GEORGE
No smiles?
JERRY
Not even a smirk.
Enter Elaine
JERRY
Hey.
ELAINE
Hi.
JERRY
What's wrong?
ELAINE
Nothing.
JERRY
Good! So I was eating a banana this morning and I…
ELAINE
Why is life so unfair?
JERRY
(Points to George) You want to field that one.
ELAINE
Just when you think everything's going right, things couldn't be more perfect, bam!
GEORGE
I find it's more of a screeching sound.
ELAINE
You know that I'm seeing someone else now.
JERRY
Really? Who?
ELAINE
I don't know. Some guy, it's not important.
JERRY
What's his name?
ELAINE
Ar...(coughs)...hmnld (Muffled)
GEORGE
Arvan?
ELAINE
Archie.
JERRY
Archie?
ELAINE
Yeah, Archie. (Looks expectantly at Jerry for some wisecrack)
JERRY
(Raises arms) I've got nothing!
ELAINE
He's soooo perfect.
JERRY
Except for…
ELAINE
Archie.
JERRY
Well, a name's not that important.
ELAINE
I know. I know. I mean, how often do you ever have to tell anyone your name?
GEORGE
If I didn't have a bank account, I don't think I'd even need a name.
(Kramer is sitting in the booth behind Jerry, with his back to George)
KRAMER
You know you can't run from your name Jerry.
JERRY
What! What are you doing back there?
KRAMER
I'm working on this puzzle. The Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah, I'll be with you shortly.
ELAINE
You'll never believe what his last name is?
GEORGE
Stanton?
JERRY
Like from The Good the Bad, And The Ugly?
ELAINE
Andrews. It's Andrews, Jerry. He's named after the comic book.
JERRY
What is it with parents and names? Your kid's not a truck-stop bathroom stall.
ELAINE
So how are things with you and Dahlia?
JERRY
We broke up.
ELAINE
Too nice, huh?
JERRY
Well...
ELAINE
That's what I thought.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
Checks Messages
JERRY
Oh, someone cares!
MACHINE
Jerry, it's Dahlia. Please call me back, I know we can work this out. We just need to talk.
GEORGE
What are you gonna do?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
Did you find her physically attractive?
JERRY
Yeah! I mean, she had a great body. Great blond hair. Long, luxurious. Like in those shampoo commercials.
GEORGE
Then call her back.
JERRY
But I just broke up with her two days ago.
GEORGE
So what, you're not making the first post-breakup contact. It's her. You're not the pathetic one, she is.
JERRY
I know. But now I've got Vivian and the whole thing...
GEORGE
Who's Vivian?
JERRY
Oh, I met her at the DMV. You know how you've got to stand in that line for like, forever. Well, we started to talk and, you know.
GEORGE
She didn't butt in, did she?
JERRY
Well...
GEORGE
Oh, you didn't. After everything that we've been fighting for as men for all these years. Sexual equality. I guess that doesn't mean anything to you.
JERRY
Well I'm going out with her tonight.
GEORGE
So. Do you think I can have Dahlia's number?
JERRY
(Thinks for a second. Obviously doesn't want to give George the number) Maybe I'll call her.
(Kramer Enters With The Puzzle)
KRAMER
Finished, Jerry. Isn't it beautiful?
JERRY
Wow, the Brooklyn Bridge. Well I've never seen that before.
GEORGE
Let me see that.
KRAMER
Jerry...
GEORGE
Wait a minute! Hey, that's my car!
KRAMER
What are you talking about?
GEORGE
That's my car!
KRAMER
Where?
GEORGE
There. The one with the streak on the side. 1981 Buick Skylark. I stopped to get an apple pie and someone stole it. The police never found it.
KRAMER
Well what about the pie?
JERRY
He ate it.
GEORGE
Kramer, do you still have the box?
KRAMER
Yeah, it's in my apartment.
GEORGE
That's my car!
(Storms out and into Kramer's apartment)
(Jerry is on the phone, but Kramer is following him around the apartment with the puzzle. It is clear that Jerry is ignoring him, and does not want to be distracted)
KRAMER
Look. Jerry.
JERRY
(Waves him away) Hi, Dahlia, it's Jerry.
KRAMER
Come on Jerry, just take a look.
JERRY
Kramer, I'm on the phone.
KRAMER
Jerry, come on...
JERRY
(Shaking his head) Yeah, I got the message. I don't know.
KRAMER
(Put the puzzle right under Jerry's nose.)
JERRY
Kramer, No! Sorry Dahlia. No, I wasn't talking to you.
KRAMER
Jerry, one look.
JERRY
ALRIGHT. (Throws out his arm in frustration, knocking the puzzle to the floor. Pieces go flying everywhere.)
KRAMER
(Drops to his knees)
JERRY
Kramer, I'm sorry.
KRAMER
No.
JERRY
Kramer, come on, I didn't mean to...
KRAMER
No. No. No.
(Kramer storms out, slamming the door)
JERRY
Sorry about that. So do you want to come over and we can talk? Alright. So tonight. Bye.
(George has just returned with the puzzle box)
JERRY
Where were you?
GEORGE
Kramer's. He didn't get a dog, did he?
JERRY
No, why?
GEORGE
No reason.
So she's coming over?
JERRY
What did I just do?
GEORGE
Hey, take a look at this.
JERRY
What, the puzzle?
GEORGE
Notice anything?
JERRY
No, not really...wait a second. Is that your car?
GEORGE
I think so. And I think I can kind of make out the guy driving it. He's bald.
JERRY
How can you tell?
GEORGE
You see the sun, shining off his head?
JERRY
Oh yeah. So this is the Buick? From, like, 20 years ago?
GEORGE
The Shaggin' Wagon.
JERRY
Well how do you know that's just not an old picture. That could be you driving it.
GEORGE
(Points to the box) 1991, Jerry. This thing was taken ten years after it was stolen. No, this is my car.
JERRY
Well, there's nothing you can really do about it now.
GEORGE
(Thinking) Alright. I've got to get going.
JERRY
Where are you going?
GEORGE
(No reply)
JERRY
Not the puzzle!
GEORGE
It's my car! The Shaggin' Wagon rides again.
(Jerry walks over to Kramer's apartment and knocks on the door. There is a "please do not disturb" sign on the handle)
KRAMER
Who is it? (Opens door just a little bit)
JERRY
It's me, will you open up?
KRAMER
Jerry, I think I need some alone time.
JERRY
(Sniffing) Is that hickory?
Kramer, I'm sorry for knocking over the puzzle. I didn't mean to do it. You know, I was on the phone and it was an important conversation...I'm sorry.
KRAMER
Really?
JERRY
Yes. And I'll tell you what, if you want, you can come over and we can put it back together.
KRAMER
Together buddy? Me and you? Like old times?
JERRY
Yeah. Yeah. Just like old times.
KRAMER
Can Newman come?
JERRY
Hey, I didn't
(Kramer gets a really hang-dog look on his face)
JERRY
Alright!
KRAMER
(Instantly brightens up). Come on Newman, we're going to Jerry's.
(Kramer opens the door a little more and we can see Newman standing behind him)
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Hello Newman!
(Newman emerges carrying a huge puzzle box)
JERRY
What's this?
KRAMER
That's the Empire State Building. Yeah, it's a scale model. 15,000 pieces. Newman and I are gonna build New York. In miniature, Jerry. Miniature.
JERRY
Well how long is that going to take you?
KRAMER
Oh, it shouldn't be more than a few weeks.
SCENE - ELAINE'S APARTMENT
ELAINE
So that really is quite a unique name you've got.
ARCHIE
Yeah.
ELAINE
Your parents must have really loved Archie comics.
ARCHIE
Actually, they got it from the door of a bathroom stall.
ELAINE
Really?
ARCHIE
Yeah.
SCENE - PUZZLE OFFICE
GEORGE
Hi. I'm here about a puzzle.
ELEANOR
You missing a piece? Cause we don't handle that.
GEORGE
No, nothing like that. Actually, it's about what's in the puzzle. You see, I brought the box with me...
ELEANOR
You know what would happen if we had to replace every missing puzzle piece some kid like you brought in? We'd be looking through puzzles all day and all night. We'd never get to sleep. Puzzles all the time.
GEORGE
Please...(Holds out the box)
ELEANOR
Sir, I'm very busy. I don't have time to make puzzles with you.
GEORGE
No, I don't want to make the puzzle. You see, this car.
ELEANOR
The one with all that rust on the side?
GEORGE
That's a streak.
ELEANOR
That auto-mo-bile is all rusted up.
GEORGE
Well this car was stolen right before this picture was taken. See, if you look really close, you can almost make out the guy driving. See the sunlight glancing off his head?
ELEANOR
Hah! He's bald, just like you.
GEORGE
(Slowly) Yeah. You see, I need the negative to blow up and get a picture of this guy. I think I might know who it is.
ELEANOR
So you want me to give you the negative?
GEORGE
Yes. I'll pay you for it. I've got three...four dollars.
ELEANOR
The man who took this picture isn't with us anymore. I can give you his address, but it won't do you no good.
GEORGE
Why not?
ELEANOR
Cause he's crazy. You work too long with puzzles, you start thinking like a puzzle, eating like a puzzle. A piece won't fit, you don't eat dinner. Let me ask you something: You ever seen anybody try to put a cantaloupe back together?
GEORGE
Well, I'll take his number.
SCENE - DINNER WITH VIVIAN
VIVIAN
Jerry, pass me the salt.
JERRY
You haven't even taken a bite yet. How do you know it needs salt? Take a bite first.
VIVIAN
Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were the salt police. Are you going to arrest me officer?
JERRY
(Speechless)
VIVIAN
I said pass me the salt.
(Jerry passes the salt quite violently)
VIVIAN
So I was on Fifth Avenue today. This homeless guy in a God-awful blazer comes up to me and asks if I have any change. You know what I did, I said, "here, I've got some change for you," and I poured my coffee on him.
JERRY
Don't you think that was a little excessive?
VIVIAN
Are you trying to start something?
JERRY
No, I'm just saying that's a little...
VIVIAN
So, I'm crazy.
JERRY
Well...
(Vivian takes her wine glass and pours the contents on Jerry)
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
GEORGE
So she poured her drink on you, and you did nothing?
JERRY
I was like a deer caught in the headlights of some angry, angry woman. I was totally helpless.
GEORGE
Not one step backward, huh. You're letting this woman walk all over you. You know this is how it starts. What's next? Parties, shopping, engagements. The WORLD!
You know, next thing she's gonna turn you against me. Pretty soon we'll only be seeing each other Sundays. Then every other week. Then one day it's "Jerry, you're not allowed to see George anymore." And you'll go up to your little room in your little corner of the house and play with your model trains.
JERRY
She really brings out the worst in me. You know that? We're always fighting. I can be fine the whole day, and when I'm near her it's triggers some biological defense mechanism. Fight or flight.
GEORGE
So you went with fight?
JERRY
I can't help it. She's like a Svengali or something.
GEORGE
I feel the same way around my parents. My mother asks me to pass her the salt, I want to jump out the window.
JERRY
But she is gorgeous.
GEORGE
I've seen her. She's quite striking.
JERRY
But the fighting.
GEORGE
Well, maybe you'll get used to it.
JERRY
Like your parents did.
GEORGE
Yeah, they don't even notice it anymore. It's like yelling has become part of their daily routine. No whispering, no normal decibel levels. Just yelling. That's the only way they know to communicate.
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
So what's going on with you and Dahlia?
JERRY
I'm having dinner with her tonight. We're double-dating with Elaine and Archie.
(Phone rings)
JERRY
One second. Hello. Vivian, hi. (Becoming agitated) No, I wasn't home. What did you think, I just wasn't answering the phone. (Voice becomes audibly louder) Why wouldn't I want to talk to you? (Yelling now) Oh, so I'm a liar am I? Yeah, that's right, a CORNED BEEF SANDWICH! NO, I DON'T LIKE PICKLES. WHO DOESN'T LIKE PICKLES? I DON'T LIKE PICKLES. IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? HOT MUSTARD? WHAT ARE YOU AN IDIOT? NO. I DON'T WANT IT ON BREAD. WHY DON'T YOU JUST BRING IT OVER, AND WE'LL SLAM IT BETWEEN A COUPLE OF PLAYING CARDS? RYE. OK? NO, I DON'T LIKE APPLE PIE, I ONLY EAT FRUIT IN IT'S NATURAL, UNCOOKED, STATE. BYE.
GEORGE
What was that all about.
JERRY
(Absolutely calm now) She's picking up lunch.
SCENE - DINNER WITH DAHLIA, ELAINE, AND ARCHIE
JERRY
So Archie, what do you do for a living?
ARCHIE
I'm a classic-car restorer. I go out and find these old wrecks, clean them up and sell them. It's really a lot of fun.
JERRY
You know I've got a friend who's looking for a new car. He's really into the old, vintage look. Maybe I'll give him your number.
ARCHIE
Yeah. Great, I'd love to speak to him.
ELAINE
Who do you know that's looking to buy a new car?
JERRY
Kramer.
ELAINE
No, you're not giving Kramer your number.
ARCHIE
Why?
ELAINE
Because! (Getting angry. It is now obvious that Elaine is starting to take on the personality traits of Vivian. She is quick to anger, and extremely confrontational) You are NOT giving him your number. That's FINAL!
JERRY
So I'll give him your number.
ARCHIE
Elaine tells me you're a comedian.
JERRY
Well, I try.
ELAINE
Dahlia, I've been meaning to ask you, what do you use on your hair? It's breathtaking.
ARCHIE
It really is quite stunning.
DAHLIA
Oh, thank you. Well, it's nothing, just a little conditioner.
ARCHIE
You know I used to know a girl who had hair just like that. Back home.
JERRY
Oh, where's that?
ARCHIE
Riverdale.
JERRY
Riverdale? Oh, like in the Bronx?
ARCHIE
Do you bake, Dahlia?
DAHLIA
I love to bake!
ARCHIE
(Inching closer to Dahlia, who is sitting directly across the table from him) Apple Pie?
DAHLIA
(Inching closer to Archie) All the way from scratch. (Scratches Archie on the nose, playfully. He giggles. Elaine yanks him back by grabbing his neck-tie and pulling)
SCENE - THE PUZZLE GUY
GEORGE
(Knocks on the door). Hello. Mr. Parker?
MR.PARKER
It's open. Come in.
GEORGE
It's really dark in here.
MR.PARKER
Don't turn on the lights!
GEORGE
Alright.
MR.PARKER
I've been expecting you George.
GEORGE
What, like, ESP?
MR.PARKER
No, the girl from the puzzle office called.
GEORGE
So you know about the negative?
MR.PARKER
Sure. I've got it right here.
(George moves over to Mr. Parker and takes the negative)
GEORGE
Well, thank you. Is there anything I can do? You know, I really appreciate this.
MR.PARKER
That's an interesting looking outfit you've got on there.
GEORGE
Sears.
MR.PARKER
You know, I'd put the left jacket pocket a little bit higher. It doesn't quite fit there. And that sock. Pull that down.
GEORGE
This one? (Moves closer to Parker)
MR.PARKER
(Grabbing George) Your collar. Much to loose. The belt, not tight enough. That head. It's backwards. It should be the other way around!
GEORGE
Mr. Parker!
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
What are the sleeping bags for?
KRAMER
We're having a sleep over. Newman brought marshmallows.
JERRY
And the tent?
KRAMER
I thought it would be a nice touch.
JERRY
Well, Vivian's coming over tonight. I want all of this stuff out of here.
KRAMER
But you said...
JERRY
I know what I said. I want all of this stuff out.
(Newman emerges from the washroom in pajamas, carrying a long stick with a marshmallow on the end.)
JERRY
OUT!
KRAMER
You know who you are? You're Reggie.
JERRY
I'm who?
KRAMER
You heard me. Reggie.
(Kramer and Newman exit, George enters)
GEORGE
What is all this?
JERRY
Ox and Jughead.
GEORGE
Which one's which?
JERRY
I haven't decided yet. Did you get the picture?
GEORGE
Yeah. Hannibal Lecter over there almost rearranged me.
JERRY
What, the socks?
GEORGE
Well you'll never believe this. Guess who has my car?
JERRY
I don't know. Who?
GEORGE
Guess!
JERRY
I'm not guessing.
GEORGE
You won't even give me one little guess? One little guess!
JERRY
How am I supposed to guess who has your car? Out of all the millions of people in New York City, how am I supposed to know the one person who has your car?
GEORGE
Well you could at least play along.
JERRY
I'm not playing!
GEORGE
Alright. Then I'm not going to tell you.
JERRY
OK, I'll guess. Newman.
GEORGE
Newman. What kind of guess is that? You know Newman doesn't have it.
JERRY
Oh, so now you're criticizing my guesses. I thought you just wanted a guess?
GEORGE
A guess, yes. But a real one.
JERRY
OK. OK. Bob Cobb?
GEORGE
Who?
JERRY
The maestro. His real name is Bob Cobb.
GEORGE
Bob Cobb. Why would he have my car?
JERRY
Alright, get out.
GEORGE
What? What are you talking about?
JERRY
Get out.
GEORGE
Whoa. You've got a vein going there.
JERRY
I do?
GEORGE
Yeah. It's kind of scary.
JERRY
(Feeling for the vein.) You know ever since I started going out with Vivian, I've been snapping at everyone. It's all the arguing. It's in my system, I can't get it out.
GEORGE
Well what about Dahlia?
JERRY
When I'm with her everything's fine.
GEORGE
Wait a second. You're going out with Vivian and seeing Dahlia on the side. The blond and the...This is just like the Archie comics. You ARE Reggie.
JERRY
But I don't want to be Reggie.
GEORGE
So it's Mike. You know your friend with the parking spot? He's got the car.
JERRY
You know I never liked him. So what are you gonna do?
GEORGE
I got his address from Kramer. I'm gonna go over and talk to him.
JERRY
Don't you think you should call the police?
GEORGE
Or better yet, why don't I just get my mother to call his mother, and we can shake and be friends again.
JERRY
Alright, do it your way.
SCENE - THE HALLWAY OF SOME APARTMENT
GEORGE
(Knocks on door. It opens just slightly) Hello.
MIKE
You? What are you doing here?
GEORGE
Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, for a walk, and I thought I'd drop by. You know I love to walk. I walk all the time. You've got to stop (pauses) and smell the roses.
MIKE
(Goes to close the door, but George shoves his foot in the jamb)
GEORGE
What was I talking about? Oh, walking, that's right. You know I was never a really big fan, but I learned to love it. To take my time. Of course I had to after YOU STOLE MY CAR!
MIKE
What are you talking about? I didn't steal your car.
GEORGE
(Produces the puzzle box) Then how do you explain this!
MIKE
(Looks at the box) That could be anybody. That's not me.
GEORGE
You're right, that could be anybody. But what about this? (Produces blown up version that clearly shows Mike driving the car)
MIKE
What do you want?
GEORGE
I want my car back.
MIKE
I don't have it. I sold it for scrap, like, 3 years ago.
GEORGE
What? That was a great car. How could you sell it for scrap?
MIKE
Great car? It was a piece of junk. The oil leaked, the heater was broken, and it had like ten feet of rust on each side.
GEORGE
That wasn't rust. That was a streak!
(Mike slams the door in George's face)
GEORGE
Oh boy! That car was the Shaggin' Wagon! It was a streak!
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
(Newman is back. There is an elaborate mock-up of New York on the floor where Jerry's couch and coffee table used to be, comprised of puzzles, replicas, and miniature scale models)
JERRY
Hello Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
What is this?
NEWMAN
New York City. Down to the smallest detail. It was a labour of love, I must admit. But the pleasure was all mine.
(Kramer enters with a bucket of paint)
KRAMER
I've got the paint. Yeah, I borrowed it from Mrs. Grundy. Whoa, she doesn't like you buddy.
JERRY
What are you doing with that?
KRAMER
The Hudson, Jerry. We need a river. Interstate commerce. The whole economy would collapse.
JERRY
What did you do to my floor?
KRAMER
Don't worry, it'll come off...(mutters)with a belt sander.
(Jerry wrestles the paint from Kramer)
JERRY
No more paint!
KRAMER
Well what are we going to do for a river?
JERRY
I'll tell you what I'd like to do.
KRAMER
Whoa!
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
You've got a vein there. It looks like you're gonna burst a capillary.
JERRY
Vivian! Hey, what are all these pictures for?
NEWMAN
We needed them to fill out the city. You know, atmosphere.
JERRY
(Bending over to look at the pictures) The Russian Tea Room, Central Park, very nice. What's this one?
KRAMER
That's the alley behind Famous Ray's. Yeah, Newman put that in there.
NEWMAN
Well if it were up to you all we'd have are puppy-dogs and moon pies. I was trying to capture the city's seamy underbelly. The city that never sleeps. Who know what evil lurks in the heart of this great...
JERRY
(Picking up his camera) Is that tomato sauce?
KRAMER
Well you've got to have a slice.
JERRY
(Picks up a puzzle) What is this?
KRAMER
The Guggenheim! It's one of my favorites.
NEWMAN
Yeah, I just picked that up yesterday. Luckily I have contacts in the puzzle industry.
JERRY
Do you still have the box?
KRAMER
Yeah, right here...(Kramer is stuck in the middle of the miniature city. He is struggling to exit without knocking over the models and destroying the puzzles.)
NEWMAN
Kramer, what are you doing?
KRAMER
I'm stuck.
NEWMAN
Kramer, just take it easy.
KRAMER
(Steps on the fresh paint of the "Hudson" and slips, falling, writhing, and ruining the whole setup. Only the Statue of Liberty is left standing, a la the ending of Planet of the Apes. Jerry looks around and sees the box on the counter right beside him.)
JERRY
Oh, never mind. Here it is. (The box is partially wrapped, with an address clearly visible on the label. There is a card in the box, Jerry takes it out and reads it) Happy Birthday Timmy from Uncle... Contacts in the puzzle industry. (Holds it up to his face to get a closer look.) Is that...Dahlia? And Archie?
NEWMAN
(On his knees, staring at the partially broken Statue of Liberty.)
YOU MANIAC. YOU BLEW IT UP. DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL. (This is Charlton Heston's line from POTA. It is delivered satirically to tone down the words)
SCENE - THE STREET
(George, Elaine, and Jerry, are walking down the street. There is a car that looks just like George's "Shaggin' Wagon" parked in front of the fruit stand.)
ELAINE
So what happened with you and Vivian?
JERRY
We broke up. I couldn't take it anymore. Every date was like a steel cage match.
ELAINE
What about Dahlia?
JERRY
I tell you I prefer the smiling over the chair to the back of the head.
ELAINE
Well what about the puzzle?
JERRY
Oh, I looked at it again. It can't be them.
ELAINE
Well it better not be. Because if I find out it's him, he's gonna be SORRY he was ever born!
JERRY
Hey, did Archie tell you Kramer bought a car?
ELAINE
He gave him the number? I gonna KILL him!
JERRY
Whoa. (Looking at Elaine)
ELAINE
What? What are you looking at?
JERRY
You've got a vein there.
GEORGE
(Sees the Shaggin' Wagon and starts jumping up and down. Looks at the picture on the puzzle box, and then at the car.) Jerry, that's my car!
JERRY
Oh, my God, the Shaggin' Wagon.
ELAINE
It looks like someone's in there.
JERRY
It looks like a couple people are in there.
GEORGE
Jerry, will you back me up?
JERRY
I'm right here. (To Elaine) If anyone comes out of there, run like hell.
GEORGE
(Looks around for a weapon. Breaks off a tree branch, with the leaves still on it. Goes up to the car and opens the door) That's it, get out!
(Archie emerges with Dahlia)
ELAINE
Archie?
JERRY
Betty?
ARCHIE
(To George) Mr. Weatherby.
JERRY
(To Elaine) Well, Veronica, it looks like it's you and me.
(Kramer and Newman ride by in an old jalopy, like from the Archie comics, and honk the horn.)
THE END
The Archies
Written By: David Adler
GEORGE
I saw a homeless guy yesterday.
JERRY
Congratulations.
GEORGE
Will you let me finish?
JERRY
You mean there's more.
GEORGE
Yes.
JERRY
Well by all means, go ahead.
GEORGE
You know how they're always giving them those really ugly sports-jackets?
JERRY
Like with the checkers and the polka-dots?
GEORGE
Why can't they wear normal clothes? Why do they have to dress them up like used-car salesman? It's like they're advertising for a homeless circus or something.
JERRY
That's the best you could come up with?
GEORGE
Well I don't see you contributing anything.
JERRY
I feel like I'm in a fog.
GEORGE
I always feel like I'm in a fog.
JERRY
I'm not sharp. I tried writing some new material yesterday. I couldn't get anything done.
GEORGE
You wrote some new material? Lets hear it.
JERRY
Alright. But I'm telling you it's not very good.
GEORGE
Better than the Heil 5?
JERRY
Maybe. Listen. "What's the deal with doors? Why can't they just settle on push or pull? Sometimes you push, sometimes you pull. (Repeating slowly and languorously) What's the deal with doors?"
GEORGE
Hmm.
JERRY
Not good, huh.
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Well it's the best I could come up with. I'm telling you, something's wrong.
GEORGE
Have you been eating any dairy?
JERRY
Not more than usual. Why?
GEORGE
Sometimes when I have dairy, I go a little crazy.
JERRY
What, like iced-cream?
GEORGE
Iced cream isn't dairy.
JERRY
If it comes from a cow, it's dairy.
GEORGE
(Shakes his head) What about a steak? That comes from a cow. Is a steak dairy?
JERRY
(Extremely frustrated, almost yelling) Yeah, a steak is dairy.
GEORGE
Well it comes from a cow!
JERRY
(About to blow his top, but calms down) Whoa. You know what, forget it. I don't think I want to have this conversation.
GEORGE
You're right. It's stupid. Just forget it.
(Flags waitress)
GEORGE
Excuse me darling. I'll have some iced-cream. Chocolate.
JERRY
Oh, I remembered what I was going to tell you.
GEORGE
See, this is good. This is what I like. Now I feel like I've done something.
JERRY
I broke up with Dahlia.
GEORGE
Dahlia? Who's that.
JERRY
(Thinking)
GEORGE
What are you doing?
JERRY
I'm trying to think of the right word to describe her. Not girlfriend.
GEORGE
What, just "friend?"
JERRY
No. I didn't really like her.
GEORGE
Well, did you..
JERRY
No. We never got around to that.
GEORGE
So what was this relationship?
JERRY
I'm not sure. Convenient.
GEORGE
Well what was wrong with her? Big ears?
JERRY
No. She was too nice. Too happy. She was always smiling. It was really annoying.
GEORGE
Oh, so she was "Go-lucky."
JERRY
That's the problem. She wanted to be everybody's friend. It was awful going out with her. Like last week we went out for dinner and she asked the waiter to come eat with us. I was afraid to tell her it was over.
GEORGE
So how did she take it?
JERRY
Pretty hard.
GEORGE
No smiles?
JERRY
Not even a smirk.
Enter Elaine
JERRY
Hey.
ELAINE
Hi.
JERRY
What's wrong?
ELAINE
Nothing.
JERRY
Good! So I was eating a banana this morning and I…
ELAINE
Why is life so unfair?
JERRY
(Points to George) You want to field that one.
ELAINE
Just when you think everything's going right, things couldn't be more perfect, bam!
GEORGE
I find it's more of a screeching sound.
ELAINE
You know that I'm seeing someone else now.
JERRY
Really? Who?
ELAINE
I don't know. Some guy, it's not important.
JERRY
What's his name?
ELAINE
Ar...(coughs)...hmnld (Muffled)
GEORGE
Arvan?
ELAINE
Archie.
JERRY
Archie?
ELAINE
Yeah, Archie. (Looks expectantly at Jerry for some wisecrack)
JERRY
(Raises arms) I've got nothing!
ELAINE
He's soooo perfect.
JERRY
Except for…
ELAINE
Archie.
JERRY
Well, a name's not that important.
ELAINE
I know. I know. I mean, how often do you ever have to tell anyone your name?
GEORGE
If I didn't have a bank account, I don't think I'd even need a name.
(Kramer is sitting in the booth behind Jerry, with his back to George)
KRAMER
You know you can't run from your name Jerry.
JERRY
What! What are you doing back there?
KRAMER
I'm working on this puzzle. The Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah, I'll be with you shortly.
ELAINE
You'll never believe what his last name is?
GEORGE
Stanton?
JERRY
Like from The Good the Bad, And The Ugly?
ELAINE
Andrews. It's Andrews, Jerry. He's named after the comic book.
JERRY
What is it with parents and names? Your kid's not a truck-stop bathroom stall.
ELAINE
So how are things with you and Dahlia?
JERRY
We broke up.
ELAINE
Too nice, huh?
JERRY
Well...
ELAINE
That's what I thought.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
Checks Messages
JERRY
Oh, someone cares!
MACHINE
Jerry, it's Dahlia. Please call me back, I know we can work this out. We just need to talk.
GEORGE
What are you gonna do?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
Did you find her physically attractive?
JERRY
Yeah! I mean, she had a great body. Great blond hair. Long, luxurious. Like in those shampoo commercials.
GEORGE
Then call her back.
JERRY
But I just broke up with her two days ago.
GEORGE
So what, you're not making the first post-breakup contact. It's her. You're not the pathetic one, she is.
JERRY
I know. But now I've got Vivian and the whole thing...
GEORGE
Who's Vivian?
JERRY
Oh, I met her at the DMV. You know how you've got to stand in that line for like, forever. Well, we started to talk and, you know.
GEORGE
She didn't butt in, did she?
JERRY
Well...
GEORGE
Oh, you didn't. After everything that we've been fighting for as men for all these years. Sexual equality. I guess that doesn't mean anything to you.
JERRY
Well I'm going out with her tonight.
GEORGE
So. Do you think I can have Dahlia's number?
JERRY
(Thinks for a second. Obviously doesn't want to give George the number) Maybe I'll call her.
(Kramer Enters With The Puzzle)
KRAMER
Finished, Jerry. Isn't it beautiful?
JERRY
Wow, the Brooklyn Bridge. Well I've never seen that before.
GEORGE
Let me see that.
KRAMER
Jerry...
GEORGE
Wait a minute! Hey, that's my car!
KRAMER
What are you talking about?
GEORGE
That's my car!
KRAMER
Where?
GEORGE
There. The one with the streak on the side. 1981 Buick Skylark. I stopped to get an apple pie and someone stole it. The police never found it.
KRAMER
Well what about the pie?
JERRY
He ate it.
GEORGE
Kramer, do you still have the box?
KRAMER
Yeah, it's in my apartment.
GEORGE
That's my car!
(Storms out and into Kramer's apartment)
(Jerry is on the phone, but Kramer is following him around the apartment with the puzzle. It is clear that Jerry is ignoring him, and does not want to be distracted)
KRAMER
Look. Jerry.
JERRY
(Waves him away) Hi, Dahlia, it's Jerry.
KRAMER
Come on Jerry, just take a look.
JERRY
Kramer, I'm on the phone.
KRAMER
Jerry, come on...
JERRY
(Shaking his head) Yeah, I got the message. I don't know.
KRAMER
(Put the puzzle right under Jerry's nose.)
JERRY
Kramer, No! Sorry Dahlia. No, I wasn't talking to you.
KRAMER
Jerry, one look.
JERRY
ALRIGHT. (Throws out his arm in frustration, knocking the puzzle to the floor. Pieces go flying everywhere.)
KRAMER
(Drops to his knees)
JERRY
Kramer, I'm sorry.
KRAMER
No.
JERRY
Kramer, come on, I didn't mean to...
KRAMER
No. No. No.
(Kramer storms out, slamming the door)
JERRY
Sorry about that. So do you want to come over and we can talk? Alright. So tonight. Bye.
(George has just returned with the puzzle box)
JERRY
Where were you?
GEORGE
Kramer's. He didn't get a dog, did he?
JERRY
No, why?
GEORGE
No reason.
So she's coming over?
JERRY
What did I just do?
GEORGE
Hey, take a look at this.
JERRY
What, the puzzle?
GEORGE
Notice anything?
JERRY
No, not really...wait a second. Is that your car?
GEORGE
I think so. And I think I can kind of make out the guy driving it. He's bald.
JERRY
How can you tell?
GEORGE
You see the sun, shining off his head?
JERRY
Oh yeah. So this is the Buick? From, like, 20 years ago?
GEORGE
The Shaggin' Wagon.
JERRY
Well how do you know that's just not an old picture. That could be you driving it.
GEORGE
(Points to the box) 1991, Jerry. This thing was taken ten years after it was stolen. No, this is my car.
JERRY
Well, there's nothing you can really do about it now.
GEORGE
(Thinking) Alright. I've got to get going.
JERRY
Where are you going?
GEORGE
(No reply)
JERRY
Not the puzzle!
GEORGE
It's my car! The Shaggin' Wagon rides again.
(Jerry walks over to Kramer's apartment and knocks on the door. There is a "please do not disturb" sign on the handle)
KRAMER
Who is it? (Opens door just a little bit)
JERRY
It's me, will you open up?
KRAMER
Jerry, I think I need some alone time.
JERRY
(Sniffing) Is that hickory?
Kramer, I'm sorry for knocking over the puzzle. I didn't mean to do it. You know, I was on the phone and it was an important conversation...I'm sorry.
KRAMER
Really?
JERRY
Yes. And I'll tell you what, if you want, you can come over and we can put it back together.
KRAMER
Together buddy? Me and you? Like old times?
JERRY
Yeah. Yeah. Just like old times.
KRAMER
Can Newman come?
JERRY
Hey, I didn't
(Kramer gets a really hang-dog look on his face)
JERRY
Alright!
KRAMER
(Instantly brightens up). Come on Newman, we're going to Jerry's.
(Kramer opens the door a little more and we can see Newman standing behind him)
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Hello Newman!
(Newman emerges carrying a huge puzzle box)
JERRY
What's this?
KRAMER
That's the Empire State Building. Yeah, it's a scale model. 15,000 pieces. Newman and I are gonna build New York. In miniature, Jerry. Miniature.
JERRY
Well how long is that going to take you?
KRAMER
Oh, it shouldn't be more than a few weeks.
SCENE - ELAINE'S APARTMENT
ELAINE
So that really is quite a unique name you've got.
ARCHIE
Yeah.
ELAINE
Your parents must have really loved Archie comics.
ARCHIE
Actually, they got it from the door of a bathroom stall.
ELAINE
Really?
ARCHIE
Yeah.
SCENE - PUZZLE OFFICE
GEORGE
Hi. I'm here about a puzzle.
ELEANOR
You missing a piece? Cause we don't handle that.
GEORGE
No, nothing like that. Actually, it's about what's in the puzzle. You see, I brought the box with me...
ELEANOR
You know what would happen if we had to replace every missing puzzle piece some kid like you brought in? We'd be looking through puzzles all day and all night. We'd never get to sleep. Puzzles all the time.
GEORGE
Please...(Holds out the box)
ELEANOR
Sir, I'm very busy. I don't have time to make puzzles with you.
GEORGE
No, I don't want to make the puzzle. You see, this car.
ELEANOR
The one with all that rust on the side?
GEORGE
That's a streak.
ELEANOR
That auto-mo-bile is all rusted up.
GEORGE
Well this car was stolen right before this picture was taken. See, if you look really close, you can almost make out the guy driving. See the sunlight glancing off his head?
ELEANOR
Hah! He's bald, just like you.
GEORGE
(Slowly) Yeah. You see, I need the negative to blow up and get a picture of this guy. I think I might know who it is.
ELEANOR
So you want me to give you the negative?
GEORGE
Yes. I'll pay you for it. I've got three...four dollars.
ELEANOR
The man who took this picture isn't with us anymore. I can give you his address, but it won't do you no good.
GEORGE
Why not?
ELEANOR
Cause he's crazy. You work too long with puzzles, you start thinking like a puzzle, eating like a puzzle. A piece won't fit, you don't eat dinner. Let me ask you something: You ever seen anybody try to put a cantaloupe back together?
GEORGE
Well, I'll take his number.
SCENE - DINNER WITH VIVIAN
VIVIAN
Jerry, pass me the salt.
JERRY
You haven't even taken a bite yet. How do you know it needs salt? Take a bite first.
VIVIAN
Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were the salt police. Are you going to arrest me officer?
JERRY
(Speechless)
VIVIAN
I said pass me the salt.
(Jerry passes the salt quite violently)
VIVIAN
So I was on Fifth Avenue today. This homeless guy in a God-awful blazer comes up to me and asks if I have any change. You know what I did, I said, "here, I've got some change for you," and I poured my coffee on him.
JERRY
Don't you think that was a little excessive?
VIVIAN
Are you trying to start something?
JERRY
No, I'm just saying that's a little...
VIVIAN
So, I'm crazy.
JERRY
Well...
(Vivian takes her wine glass and pours the contents on Jerry)
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
GEORGE
So she poured her drink on you, and you did nothing?
JERRY
I was like a deer caught in the headlights of some angry, angry woman. I was totally helpless.
GEORGE
Not one step backward, huh. You're letting this woman walk all over you. You know this is how it starts. What's next? Parties, shopping, engagements. The WORLD!
You know, next thing she's gonna turn you against me. Pretty soon we'll only be seeing each other Sundays. Then every other week. Then one day it's "Jerry, you're not allowed to see George anymore." And you'll go up to your little room in your little corner of the house and play with your model trains.
JERRY
She really brings out the worst in me. You know that? We're always fighting. I can be fine the whole day, and when I'm near her it's triggers some biological defense mechanism. Fight or flight.
GEORGE
So you went with fight?
JERRY
I can't help it. She's like a Svengali or something.
GEORGE
I feel the same way around my parents. My mother asks me to pass her the salt, I want to jump out the window.
JERRY
But she is gorgeous.
GEORGE
I've seen her. She's quite striking.
JERRY
But the fighting.
GEORGE
Well, maybe you'll get used to it.
JERRY
Like your parents did.
GEORGE
Yeah, they don't even notice it anymore. It's like yelling has become part of their daily routine. No whispering, no normal decibel levels. Just yelling. That's the only way they know to communicate.
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
So what's going on with you and Dahlia?
JERRY
I'm having dinner with her tonight. We're double-dating with Elaine and Archie.
(Phone rings)
JERRY
One second. Hello. Vivian, hi. (Becoming agitated) No, I wasn't home. What did you think, I just wasn't answering the phone. (Voice becomes audibly louder) Why wouldn't I want to talk to you? (Yelling now) Oh, so I'm a liar am I? Yeah, that's right, a CORNED BEEF SANDWICH! NO, I DON'T LIKE PICKLES. WHO DOESN'T LIKE PICKLES? I DON'T LIKE PICKLES. IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? HOT MUSTARD? WHAT ARE YOU AN IDIOT? NO. I DON'T WANT IT ON BREAD. WHY DON'T YOU JUST BRING IT OVER, AND WE'LL SLAM IT BETWEEN A COUPLE OF PLAYING CARDS? RYE. OK? NO, I DON'T LIKE APPLE PIE, I ONLY EAT FRUIT IN IT'S NATURAL, UNCOOKED, STATE. BYE.
GEORGE
What was that all about.
JERRY
(Absolutely calm now) She's picking up lunch.
SCENE - DINNER WITH DAHLIA, ELAINE, AND ARCHIE
JERRY
So Archie, what do you do for a living?
ARCHIE
I'm a classic-car restorer. I go out and find these old wrecks, clean them up and sell them. It's really a lot of fun.
JERRY
You know I've got a friend who's looking for a new car. He's really into the old, vintage look. Maybe I'll give him your number.
ARCHIE
Yeah. Great, I'd love to speak to him.
ELAINE
Who do you know that's looking to buy a new car?
JERRY
Kramer.
ELAINE
No, you're not giving Kramer your number.
ARCHIE
Why?
ELAINE
Because! (Getting angry. It is now obvious that Elaine is starting to take on the personality traits of Vivian. She is quick to anger, and extremely confrontational) You are NOT giving him your number. That's FINAL!
JERRY
So I'll give him your number.
ARCHIE
Elaine tells me you're a comedian.
JERRY
Well, I try.
ELAINE
Dahlia, I've been meaning to ask you, what do you use on your hair? It's breathtaking.
ARCHIE
It really is quite stunning.
DAHLIA
Oh, thank you. Well, it's nothing, just a little conditioner.
ARCHIE
You know I used to know a girl who had hair just like that. Back home.
JERRY
Oh, where's that?
ARCHIE
Riverdale.
JERRY
Riverdale? Oh, like in the Bronx?
ARCHIE
Do you bake, Dahlia?
DAHLIA
I love to bake!
ARCHIE
(Inching closer to Dahlia, who is sitting directly across the table from him) Apple Pie?
DAHLIA
(Inching closer to Archie) All the way from scratch. (Scratches Archie on the nose, playfully. He giggles. Elaine yanks him back by grabbing his neck-tie and pulling)
SCENE - THE PUZZLE GUY
GEORGE
(Knocks on the door). Hello. Mr. Parker?
MR.PARKER
It's open. Come in.
GEORGE
It's really dark in here.
MR.PARKER
Don't turn on the lights!
GEORGE
Alright.
MR.PARKER
I've been expecting you George.
GEORGE
What, like, ESP?
MR.PARKER
No, the girl from the puzzle office called.
GEORGE
So you know about the negative?
MR.PARKER
Sure. I've got it right here.
(George moves over to Mr. Parker and takes the negative)
GEORGE
Well, thank you. Is there anything I can do? You know, I really appreciate this.
MR.PARKER
That's an interesting looking outfit you've got on there.
GEORGE
Sears.
MR.PARKER
You know, I'd put the left jacket pocket a little bit higher. It doesn't quite fit there. And that sock. Pull that down.
GEORGE
This one? (Moves closer to Parker)
MR.PARKER
(Grabbing George) Your collar. Much to loose. The belt, not tight enough. That head. It's backwards. It should be the other way around!
GEORGE
Mr. Parker!
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
What are the sleeping bags for?
KRAMER
We're having a sleep over. Newman brought marshmallows.
JERRY
And the tent?
KRAMER
I thought it would be a nice touch.
JERRY
Well, Vivian's coming over tonight. I want all of this stuff out of here.
KRAMER
But you said...
JERRY
I know what I said. I want all of this stuff out.
(Newman emerges from the washroom in pajamas, carrying a long stick with a marshmallow on the end.)
JERRY
OUT!
KRAMER
You know who you are? You're Reggie.
JERRY
I'm who?
KRAMER
You heard me. Reggie.
(Kramer and Newman exit, George enters)
GEORGE
What is all this?
JERRY
Ox and Jughead.
GEORGE
Which one's which?
JERRY
I haven't decided yet. Did you get the picture?
GEORGE
Yeah. Hannibal Lecter over there almost rearranged me.
JERRY
What, the socks?
GEORGE
Well you'll never believe this. Guess who has my car?
JERRY
I don't know. Who?
GEORGE
Guess!
JERRY
I'm not guessing.
GEORGE
You won't even give me one little guess? One little guess!
JERRY
How am I supposed to guess who has your car? Out of all the millions of people in New York City, how am I supposed to know the one person who has your car?
GEORGE
Well you could at least play along.
JERRY
I'm not playing!
GEORGE
Alright. Then I'm not going to tell you.
JERRY
OK, I'll guess. Newman.
GEORGE
Newman. What kind of guess is that? You know Newman doesn't have it.
JERRY
Oh, so now you're criticizing my guesses. I thought you just wanted a guess?
GEORGE
A guess, yes. But a real one.
JERRY
OK. OK. Bob Cobb?
GEORGE
Who?
JERRY
The maestro. His real name is Bob Cobb.
GEORGE
Bob Cobb. Why would he have my car?
JERRY
Alright, get out.
GEORGE
What? What are you talking about?
JERRY
Get out.
GEORGE
Whoa. You've got a vein going there.
JERRY
I do?
GEORGE
Yeah. It's kind of scary.
JERRY
(Feeling for the vein.) You know ever since I started going out with Vivian, I've been snapping at everyone. It's all the arguing. It's in my system, I can't get it out.
GEORGE
Well what about Dahlia?
JERRY
When I'm with her everything's fine.
GEORGE
Wait a second. You're going out with Vivian and seeing Dahlia on the side. The blond and the...This is just like the Archie comics. You ARE Reggie.
JERRY
But I don't want to be Reggie.
GEORGE
So it's Mike. You know your friend with the parking spot? He's got the car.
JERRY
You know I never liked him. So what are you gonna do?
GEORGE
I got his address from Kramer. I'm gonna go over and talk to him.
JERRY
Don't you think you should call the police?
GEORGE
Or better yet, why don't I just get my mother to call his mother, and we can shake and be friends again.
JERRY
Alright, do it your way.
SCENE - THE HALLWAY OF SOME APARTMENT
GEORGE
(Knocks on door. It opens just slightly) Hello.
MIKE
You? What are you doing here?
GEORGE
Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, for a walk, and I thought I'd drop by. You know I love to walk. I walk all the time. You've got to stop (pauses) and smell the roses.
MIKE
(Goes to close the door, but George shoves his foot in the jamb)
GEORGE
What was I talking about? Oh, walking, that's right. You know I was never a really big fan, but I learned to love it. To take my time. Of course I had to after YOU STOLE MY CAR!
MIKE
What are you talking about? I didn't steal your car.
GEORGE
(Produces the puzzle box) Then how do you explain this!
MIKE
(Looks at the box) That could be anybody. That's not me.
GEORGE
You're right, that could be anybody. But what about this? (Produces blown up version that clearly shows Mike driving the car)
MIKE
What do you want?
GEORGE
I want my car back.
MIKE
I don't have it. I sold it for scrap, like, 3 years ago.
GEORGE
What? That was a great car. How could you sell it for scrap?
MIKE
Great car? It was a piece of junk. The oil leaked, the heater was broken, and it had like ten feet of rust on each side.
GEORGE
That wasn't rust. That was a streak!
(Mike slams the door in George's face)
GEORGE
Oh boy! That car was the Shaggin' Wagon! It was a streak!
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
(Newman is back. There is an elaborate mock-up of New York on the floor where Jerry's couch and coffee table used to be, comprised of puzzles, replicas, and miniature scale models)
JERRY
Hello Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
What is this?
NEWMAN
New York City. Down to the smallest detail. It was a labour of love, I must admit. But the pleasure was all mine.
(Kramer enters with a bucket of paint)
KRAMER
I've got the paint. Yeah, I borrowed it from Mrs. Grundy. Whoa, she doesn't like you buddy.
JERRY
What are you doing with that?
KRAMER
The Hudson, Jerry. We need a river. Interstate commerce. The whole economy would collapse.
JERRY
What did you do to my floor?
KRAMER
Don't worry, it'll come off...(mutters)with a belt sander.
(Jerry wrestles the paint from Kramer)
JERRY
No more paint!
KRAMER
Well what are we going to do for a river?
JERRY
I'll tell you what I'd like to do.
KRAMER
Whoa!
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
You've got a vein there. It looks like you're gonna burst a capillary.
JERRY
Vivian! Hey, what are all these pictures for?
NEWMAN
We needed them to fill out the city. You know, atmosphere.
JERRY
(Bending over to look at the pictures) The Russian Tea Room, Central Park, very nice. What's this one?
KRAMER
That's the alley behind Famous Ray's. Yeah, Newman put that in there.
NEWMAN
Well if it were up to you all we'd have are puppy-dogs and moon pies. I was trying to capture the city's seamy underbelly. The city that never sleeps. Who know what evil lurks in the heart of this great...
JERRY
(Picking up his camera) Is that tomato sauce?
KRAMER
Well you've got to have a slice.
JERRY
(Picks up a puzzle) What is this?
KRAMER
The Guggenheim! It's one of my favorites.
NEWMAN
Yeah, I just picked that up yesterday. Luckily I have contacts in the puzzle industry.
JERRY
Do you still have the box?
KRAMER
Yeah, right here...(Kramer is stuck in the middle of the miniature city. He is struggling to exit without knocking over the models and destroying the puzzles.)
NEWMAN
Kramer, what are you doing?
KRAMER
I'm stuck.
NEWMAN
Kramer, just take it easy.
KRAMER
(Steps on the fresh paint of the "Hudson" and slips, falling, writhing, and ruining the whole setup. Only the Statue of Liberty is left standing, a la the ending of Planet of the Apes. Jerry looks around and sees the box on the counter right beside him.)
JERRY
Oh, never mind. Here it is. (The box is partially wrapped, with an address clearly visible on the label. There is a card in the box, Jerry takes it out and reads it) Happy Birthday Timmy from Uncle... Contacts in the puzzle industry. (Holds it up to his face to get a closer look.) Is that...Dahlia? And Archie?
NEWMAN
(On his knees, staring at the partially broken Statue of Liberty.)
YOU MANIAC. YOU BLEW IT UP. DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL. (This is Charlton Heston's line from POTA. It is delivered satirically to tone down the words)
SCENE - THE STREET
(George, Elaine, and Jerry, are walking down the street. There is a car that looks just like George's "Shaggin' Wagon" parked in front of the fruit stand.)
ELAINE
So what happened with you and Vivian?
JERRY
We broke up. I couldn't take it anymore. Every date was like a steel cage match.
ELAINE
What about Dahlia?
JERRY
I tell you I prefer the smiling over the chair to the back of the head.
ELAINE
Well what about the puzzle?
JERRY
Oh, I looked at it again. It can't be them.
ELAINE
Well it better not be. Because if I find out it's him, he's gonna be SORRY he was ever born!
JERRY
Hey, did Archie tell you Kramer bought a car?
ELAINE
He gave him the number? I gonna KILL him!
JERRY
Whoa. (Looking at Elaine)
ELAINE
What? What are you looking at?
JERRY
You've got a vein there.
GEORGE
(Sees the Shaggin' Wagon and starts jumping up and down. Looks at the picture on the puzzle box, and then at the car.) Jerry, that's my car!
JERRY
Oh, my God, the Shaggin' Wagon.
ELAINE
It looks like someone's in there.
JERRY
It looks like a couple people are in there.
GEORGE
Jerry, will you back me up?
JERRY
I'm right here. (To Elaine) If anyone comes out of there, run like hell.
GEORGE
(Looks around for a weapon. Breaks off a tree branch, with the leaves still on it. Goes up to the car and opens the door) That's it, get out!
(Archie emerges with Dahlia)
ELAINE
Archie?
JERRY
Betty?
ARCHIE
(To George) Mr. Weatherby.
JERRY
(To Elaine) Well, Veronica, it looks like it's you and me.
(Kramer and Newman ride by in an old jalopy, like from the Archie comics, and honk the horn.)
THE END