I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

::throws confetti::

And with a suitably long chapter, too. Go me!

Again, apologies for the length of time in between chapters. I just can't seem to get my speed up. I've had writers block like you wouldn't believe, and I've been trying to keep up my quality so the plot makes sense and (hopefully) humorous. See, I know where I want to go, but getting there is giving me a few problems. Never fear, I'm not giving up! I'm just trying to balance life, writer's block, and writing and I have yet to perfect the technique. I've done my best. I hope it was worth the wait!!!

WARNING the rating is PG-13 for a reason. There's foul language in this (Mostly Joseff's potty-mouth, he can't help it if he's crass) so tread carefully!!

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Zach helped haul his friend's pathetic rear off the floor and into the cushy chair he'd previously occupied in the inner office. Not that he really cared for this embarrassing man's well-being or anything, but people rolling around on the floor clutching parts of their anatomy and groaning in pain somehow made the customers a little nervous. At least this way, the noise would be muffled when he went to beat his friend again.

"Man, you are the saddest thing I've ever seen. You've completely ruined the plan! She got away!" He glared.

"Oww. Not my fault Ms. Mizuno had to drag along a hot friend. You know as well as I do that I just can't seem to help myself around beautiful women. I think it's best that I screwed up now instead of knee-deep in the plan. Really, I saved you!" Joseff somehow managed to look self-righteous from the fetal position.

"True enough. You couldn't have distracted that girl long enough for me to have any chance of persuading Ami to take a vacation day, let alone pretend to be my wife."

"I'd like to argue with you. I would, too, if you weren't right. Damn my mouth. Wasn't she hot though? I haven't seen—or felt—legs like that in, well, remember when Minako kicked me? Yeah! She had model-quality legs, baby!" He began to look dreamy.

"I knew there was a reason I never introduced you to any of my friends, especially the female ones. Wait...have you been fantasizing about my girlfriend's legs?"

Joseff tried not to squirm at the look on Zach's face. He could tell by his friend's expression that Zach was going to beat the crap out of him no matter what he said. And thinking about it, he deserved it, really. What kind of idiot tells a friend that he's been having impure thoughts about said friend's girlfriend's legs? But then again, what kind of an idiot introduces their hot girlfriend to a friend who's a world-renowned pervert and expects said perverted friend not to have one or two innocent fantasies (and a few off-color ones)? When you looked at it from that angle, both Zach and he deserved a good ass kicking for being complete morons.

But Joseff really, really didn't want his ass kicked. He was already in enough pain, thank you very much. He tried to think of something to say that would placate his friend. Maybe an apology, followed by a statement assuring him that, though his girlfriend was gorgeous, he'd moved on to less famous territory.

"Don't worry man, not anymore. It's a straight diet of Rei-legs for me from now on!"

Joseff winced, maybe he actually had spent too much time trying to get a rise out of people like the Sergeant that he was unable to say something that would not result in physical pain. When his friend was done death-glaring, maybe he'd ask the genius psychiatrist if maybe this kind of thing was possible. Maybe something to the effect of Pavlovian response training? He'd heard about that on Charlie Brown the other day. It would be really great if that were his problem. He could fix it then, maybe. But back to the problem with fists. He forced a grin at his glowering amigo. Best to play dumb.

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

Zach's arms twitched in the manner of someone who was exercising great control not to resort to violence. Joseff scooched in his chair so as to expose the fewest number of vulnerable body parts and tried his best to look angelic.

Zach's hands, seemingly of their own volition, began moving nearer and nearer to the cowering man's throat. "I'm going to kill you!"

Eyes widening in panic, for he was by no means a brave man, Joseff attempted to become one with the blue vinyl that covered his chair. "Wait! Wait! You need me! You need me!"

Miraculously, this seemed to slow the hands of doom; the shaking of the limbs evidence of exactly how much will-power it took to stop them.

"You! Y-ergh! Err-AAAH!"

Zach turned away from his friend quickly so as not to face so much temptation. No matter how much he deserved a bitch-slapping, Joe was right, he did need him alive. For now. It was definitely time to start banging his head against blunt objects. Between Minako and Joseff, it was a wonder he didn't need a highly paid psychiatrist to stay sane. And wouldn't that just look wonderful? A shrink needing a shrink. God, what he really needed was a stiff drink or five.

He leaned his head against the window of his office and stifled a whimper. "I hate you, you know that, right?"

Relief flooded through Joseff. If Zach was hating him, it meant things were back to normal and that he was no longer in danger of being decapitated at any second. Still, it was best to keep an eye on his homicidal friend. Shifting a bit in his chair he could see Zach sprawled against the window, an air of gloom surrounding him like a dark cloud. So far, so good. He really wasn't going to die, then.

It was the normal cycle: near-death, hatred, despair, normalcy. They truly had a fucked up friendship.

Suddenly, Zach stiffened, surprising Joseff with his sudden movement. He leaned closer to the window and pressed both hands and face to the glass so hard that a nose print was made. Joseff frowned, perplexed. This was certainly new behavior. Maybe his friend had found a new hobby of pissing off the window cleaners?

So deep in thought was he that he let out a sharp squawk, when, turning away from the window in a hurry, Zach stomped over, grabbed his arm and exclaimed, with the urgency of a loony, "Joseff!"

Worried again, and gazing bewilderedly at the hand that was clenched tightly around his elbow, he managed, "Yeah?"

"Get your jacket. Let's go. Now. Hurry."

"What? Why? Ow! Ow! OW! Watch it! I still hurt you know!"

"Quit you're whining, you baby! We have to move it if we're going to stalk them to lunch! I have a plan!" The glitter in his eyes was maniacal.

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"—so then I said, 'Well, you put the 'ho' in s'ho'pping mall' and she was all like 'Oh yeah? Well you! You put the 'ho' in, in...loser!'. and then stormed out! I couldn't quit laughing."

Ami stared at her friend's face, which was blurry through the tears of laughter in her eyes. No one could tell a story like Rei-chan! Trying to compose herself, she took a small sip of water, only to narrowly avoid spraying it everywhere in the classy restaurant when her eyes met Rei's. Her sides hurt from laughing so hard but she couldn't seem to stop. As always when she was flustered, her soft accent thickened.

"O-onegai, Rei-chan. Stop!"

"But I was just getting to the part where Becky—oh, I'm sorry, her name is Beryl now--failed in an attempt to fall into Chad's arms and went hurtling down the staircase in a skimpy halter-top which, somehow, got ripped on the way down and..."

"Please...I can't...I can't breathe...!" Ami wheezed, again blown away by the mental image of the girl who had made her and Rei and Rena's life a living hell in high school displaying her breasts to the whole of a shopping mall...in a completely unintentional and non-sexy manner. She did a lot of breast-divulging normally, of course, but never quite so much. That would show her for hitting on Rei's brother.

Rei, for her part, grinned cattily. She knew no better way to cheer her friend up than to expound on the humiliation of an old foe. And Ami really needed cheering up. After their initial laughter over the defeat of the ego-god himself, Ami had sobered immensely and had begun to tell Rei, in detail, what she had over-heard outside of Zach's office. The men were up to something, and having experienced first-hand at least one of the delinquent duo's lack of tact (Zach could, indeed, be better, but somehow she had her doubts). It couldn't be good. So she'd begun to tell stories. And it was working.

"Oh, come off it, Ami! You don't really need to breathe! So, as I was saying, I was talking to my delinquent rock star brother after I met him for lunch—you know how busy he is, nowadays. Can you even believe he made it?—and we were walking to the escalators when Beryl screeches her recognition of him and..."

Rei continued her story—with only very little embellishment—and Ami, stomach cramping, remained incapacitated with laughter, managing, as distracted as they were, to completely miss the two men squatting behind the potted plants, observing them in much the same way piranha observe a hunk of beefsteak.

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Zach felt almost ashamed. Ami looked the most relaxed he had ever seen her. And he had never seen her laugh this hard either. It was a pity he'd have to ruin it, but he wasn't giving up.

Contrary to what was seen in movies, hailing a cab and ordering it to follow another one isn't very effective. Most of the drivers, it seemed, were wary of lawsuits and being charged as accessories to crimes such as rape or murder. As a direct corollary to this, they generally refuse to follow other vehicles at the requests of desperate (and frankly, rather scary looking) men. Joseff and Zach had found this out the hard way. After being forcibly removed from four different cabs, they had eventually been reduced to running after Rei and Ami's from a safe distance.

Sneaking into the restaurant after the two girls had also been a humiliating and difficult episode that was better just forgotten.

Nope, no giving up here. Too much pain and suffering had already been invested for him to just walk away and leave her in peace.

He checked his watch and met Joseff's eyes. Zero hour. He picked up his phone and dialed.

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"I don't care what anyone says, Lauren, watching cartoons upside-down does wonders for the mind, not to mention spinal extension." Minako contested as she tried to look up at her dear friend from where her head lay on the floor. "You really should just scooch around backwards and lay upside down like me." She let her arms flop dramatically onto the floor to illustrate her point.

Lauren regarded her friend's butt—for that was all she could see of the blonde from her correct sitting angle on the couch—dubiously. "Minako, do you even have any idea what you're talking about?"

"'Course I do! I've done this for years! Just never, ever eat an orange from this angle, when that juice goes up your nose, it's been known to burn for like five minutes!"

Lauren snorted her laughter, gave up, and flipped around so her feet were laying over the back of the couch and her head was on the floor next to her deranged friend. "I can't believe you've tried eating oranges like this."

"Oh yes, used to have races with my friends in elementary school to see who could eat a whole one the fastest upside-down." She giggled and smiled softly at the memory. "Those were the days."

"I bet they were!"

The two laughed softly for a while, letting it peter out into the comfortable silence of long-term friendship.

Lauren let it carry for a few minutes before asking, "So, you want to tell me why you practically dragged me over here?"

Mina was quiet for a few more seconds, trying to organize her thoughts. "Laur, do you think I'm a bad person?" She finally managed her voice soft and hesitant.

The lanky girl looked at the blonde in shock. Was this the same irrepressible Minako who bubbled through life, always completely sure of herself and her actions? "O-of course not, honey!" She said when the shock had worn off, "Whatever brought that on? Don't tell me Koujirou is giving you hell again!" She never could fathom why two of the most wonderful, charming people she had ever met just could not get along. She'd almost guess hidden attraction if it weren't for the fact that Mina and Zach were so heavily involved.

"Well, that and...well...Zach asked me to marry him."

Ah. Premarital jitters.

"Oh, baby, that's wonderful!" She soothed, finally getting a handle on the problem they'd been dancing around all evening. "Of course your good enough for Zach. I'd even say too good for him. You'll make a wonderful, dependable wife."

Smiling softly, Minako dropped the bomb, "Yeah it is, and I'm pretty sure I'll be okay at the marriage game, except that my fiancé is already married."

Okay. That changed things a little. "What?! Did you know about this?! "

"Don't freak out too badly, please. It's not the fact that he's married that surprised me—I've known that since the beginning—and he's getting a divorce so we can be married, and he assures me that his wife wants to move on as much as he does. So it should be fine. It's just that I can't shake the feeling I'm doing something horrible. They have a child, you see. There's a child involved. I feel like I'm ruining the little girl's life or something by taking her daddy away. She's supposed to still be pretty young and—and I love him, I do, but I don't know if I can just waltz in and ruin a relationship like that. Children are born out of mutual love! Could I have ruined a wonderful relationship? Butted in just when Zach had had an argument with his wife? I just don't know! But I feel awful! I never really thought about what I was doing until he asked me to marry him! What have I done?!" She was crying now.

Lauren took a deep breath and grabbed Mina's hand and squeezed it sympathetically. This was heavy stuff. It was rather unfair Zach to put such a wonderful and kind soul through such hell. "What did you tell him?"

"Oh. Oh, I told him "yes" but only if he let me meet his wife and talk to her first. You know, just to make sure everything was okay. I have to be sure! I can't ruin something that precious with my own selfishness!"

Grip tightening, Lauren whispered. "I know. I know. You're doing the right thing. I know. It'll be all right."

Mina squeezed back and cried, letting the tension ease out with her tears in the presence of someone she knew wouldn't judge her.

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Rei was, in a word, pissed. How the hell had her office found her!?! And she'd been in the middle of another really good Beryl story, too. Damn it! She was pretty sure she'd scared the unfortunate waiter who had delivered the message that there was a telephone call for her at the front desk, but she couldn't bring herself to care. He'd get over it.

Her rage at the moment, however, was nothing compared to what she felt when she picked up the phone and met only dial tone.

She slammed down the receiver and stomped back to her seat, mumbling creative expletives under her breath.

She stopped mumbling them when, upon arriving, Ami was nowhere to be found.

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So, what'd y'all think? I'll have the next bit hopefully out soon!

Please review! And thank you unbelievably for your understanding and your patience with me!

I Love You ALL!

Especially those who have reviewed! You have no idea how much your kind words mean to me!

~Louli

6/28/03