Introduction

Math was never Orochimaru's friend.

Not last month when his friends brought him a birthday cake and too many candles melted it.

Or a year ago, when he attended the first fundraiser for the expensive equipment he needed.

And especially not on the last one, his eleventh attempt to get investors' attention and consequently money.

When Tsunade, as one of the honored guests, approached to greet him, the drink in his hand was his fourth meaning only one more would make him tipsy.

Yes, the math was merciless.

"How is it going?" Tsunade asked, also holding a drink. Her rosy cheeks were revealing it wasn't her first one.

"Fine," Orochimaru replied.

"Your frown says differently."

"Then not fine."

Together they skimmed the room, smiling politely to the people who were passing them by.

"It can't be that bad," she said after a short sip. "If more rich people hear about your newest project, the higher is the possibility for a generous donation."

"My project is far from new. And at this pace, I will have enough money in seven years."

"Seven? Are you sure about that?"

"Are you implying I calculated wrong?"

"Unfortunately you are never wrong," Tsunade sighed.

Luckily a waiter came with the full glasses so they helped themselves with new drinks.

"What about more of your money?" Hokage suggested.

"Missions take too much time and all of my income is already invested."

"Cutting expenses?"

"If I save more, I will die of starvation."

Tsunade ran out of suggestions, so she concentrated on her drink. Orochimaru was also thankful for alcohol. It all seemed pointless at that moment, so the liquor influence felt marvelous.

"I am not in my forties any more", he said quietly. "Time is running out."

"A special research and development tax already exists," she said, shrugging. "Your projects require additional funding."

"I am aware of that," he said, pointing his glass towards Uchiha's clan representatives. "But being on my own makes it so much harder."

Tsunade spotted acquaintances among those Uchihas so she smiled in their direction.

"I see what you mean," she said. "But like you said, it's too late to start a clan of your own."

"I don't need a clan. I need more time. And money, of course."

"So if there was a person who could save you some time, would you accept that person's help?"

"That person is an investor, Tsunade," he sighed, "an investor with money."

"Not an investor," she shook her head. "The person who would help you get the needed money faster."

"What are you talking about?"

Instead of answering, she returned their empty glasses and led him to the exit.

"If I say I might have a plan you probably won't like, will you hear me out?"

"Do I have a choice?"

Tsunade shrugged and kept walking beside him. Either she got mad or she was thinking about whatever solution she had thought of.

And the truth was Orochimaru was getting desperate. And that last drink took its toll.

"Let me hear it," he finally said.

Like he expected, Tsunade needed some time to stop chuckling. Maybe the plan included making the investors laugh.

"You need a wife."

"A wife?" he repeated, hoping he misheard.

"Uh-huh."

Her enthusiastic nods didn't convince him.

"I am not exactly an eligible bachelor the rich women might like."

"Not a rich wife, but the one who would accompany you at the fundraisers."

"Look, Tsunade, if you are volunteering to go with me and pretend to be my wife, I am fine with it as long as you are the one explaining it to Jiraiya."

"Not me, you idiot!" she hissed, rolling her eyes. "I have my own responsibilities."

"Why do I need a wife anyway?"

"Most of the investors are married. They are more likely to invest into a project by someone who resembles them."

"If I want to resemble them, I will need a mistress as well."

"How do you know they have mistresses?"

"Because I appear to be a scientist dedicated to the human body and its functions."

That got her thinking for a moment.

"Oh," she said, making a disgusted face. "They needed a special medicine so they wouldn't disappoint their mistresses."

"Exactly."

Now Tsunade's face lit up.

"That also means your wife could be considerably younger than you, you know, since everybody knows about magical pills you can produce and use by yourself."

It was his turn to roll his eyes.

"Tsunade, my lack of time is a serious problem. I certainly don't have time to waste on dates and charming considerably younger women."

To his irritated tone, Hokage responded with a chuckle.

"You don't understand, do you? We would hire a wife for you."

"Hire a wife for me?'' he repeated, shocked. "How much did you drink? You are suggesting I pay a woman to be my wife?"

"Oh no. She would earn her salary by herself."

Orochimaru's walk came to a halt. Not only because they had to part to head in the opposite directions, but also to check on his friend's sobriety. Her latest ideas confirmed she obviously wasn't thinking clearly.

"What?" Tsunade asked, stopping a few steps in front of him. "Isn't that a good plan?"

From what he could see, she was standing straight, meaning her proposition wasn't the result of the drinks she had. It was even worse. She was serious about that whole hired wife nonsense!

"Think about it," she began, taking a step toward him. "Instead of going to fundraisers by yourself, you would have a wife. To others it would appear you came to socialize, not beg for money."

"I do not beg for money!" he protested.

"Also," she continued, ignoring his comment, "your reputation of an eccentric scientist would be replaced by the one of a family man."

"A family man?"

"Imagine, you chat with the rich husband, while your wife takes care of the man's wife!"

"My hired wife," he emphasised. "What would happen to my reputation once the investors learn I lied?"

"We will find the most suitable kunoichi, the one who could pull it off convincingly," Tsunade smirked.

"And for how long the poor woman must endure that torture?"

He decided to left out it would be a torture for him too.

"Let's say for a year," Tsunade said, smiling. "It will be a classified S-rank long term undercover mission."

After such a detailed declaration, Orochimaru expected Hokage would tell him the name of his future fake wife. Instead Tsunade went on how married men advance in politics more easily and that statistical results show married men tend to live longer.

"Yeah, great, I am glad to hear it," he interrupted. "If you want me to live longer, then your pink haired apprentice is out of the question."

"Sakura?"

"I couldn't possibly pretend to be married to the younger version of you. We would kill each other."

Tsunade's laughter as a response was the ultimate proof of her intoxication. Surprisingly, she remembered everything and started with interviews the next day. All single kunoichi went through questioning about their future plans regarding relationships, marriage and children.

A week after Tsunade came up with the idea they were waiting for the chosen woman to arrive at a final meeting.

"I am not sure about this," Orochimaru said, as they were approaching the meeting room. "What if I don't like her?"

"You don't have to like her, only tolerate her until you collect enough money."

"That may last for years."

"If it's not seven years, then you succeeded."

"And what if," he added, much quieter, "she doesn't like me?"

"Again the same answer."

"It's easy for you to be so calm, she won't be moving in with you or-"

Orochimaru's voice faltered when he saw a blond haired girl at the end of the hallway, entering the appointed room.

"Who is that?"

"Your future wife."

"What happened to the quiet brunette you liked?"

"She denied having a boyfriend. Later I learned she had a girlfriend."

"And the short-haired one with freckles?"

"Got an internship abroad."

"What made you pick this one?"

"You are both allowed to give up if you hate each other."

"I can't hate a person I didn't meet, but what makes her the most suitable one?"

"Come in and find out!"

If he had doubts about Tsunade's plan before, now he was certain it would fail.

How was it possible that a blonde girl in a way too revealing clothes was the perfect candidate to be his fake wife? How would she fit in? And more importantly, how would they get along?

It was him who had too many drinks that evening he'd agreed to Tsunade's insane plan.

Too bad the girl was already here. The least he could do was to greet her, thank her for her time and explain it was all a misunderstanding. Tsunade would be mad, but he could handle her for one afternoon unlike his fake wife who would be a part of his business and private life for who knew how long!

Taking a deep breath, Orochimaru entered.