Thanks to my 3 reviewers, it's nice to get feedback and its great that it was positive. Well done for guessing it was her Mom – bit obvious wasn't it. Well here goes the next chapter. Sorry about the really long paragraphs but Sam was rambling. Hope you like it.
Chapter 2"I've always been here, with you…. You just couldn't see me before," her mother replied. Sam was far to exhausted to argue the laws of probability and physics with a ghost so she just accepted as she had done with SG1 and Jacob that it was her own subconscious that had conjured up her Mother. Allowing herself a moment of indulgence she sobbed, "I've missed you mom, I've missed you so much". "I know my love, I know and I'm so sorry I had to leave you, I'm so sorry it has been so hard for you".
Shifting her position and sitting up Sam faced her mother and backhanded the tears that were streaming from her eyes "I suppose you have some sage advise for me like everyone else?"
"You already know the answers darling, you just aren't looking at them from the right angle".
Her brow furrowing in confusion Sam replied, "I don't understand what you mean?"
"Do you remember what my life's ambition was?"
"You wanted to become a dancer but Nan and Granddad thought it was a stupid ambition and sent you to secretarial school. Soon after that you met Dad and then had Mark and me".
"That's right, and do you remember when you were young I wanted you to go to ballet classes?" Sam remembered, she remembered only too well but did not want to revive that particular memory so she just looked down at her hands that were busy picking imaginary lint off of her uniform.
Her mother continued, "I so wanted you to have the opportunity I didn't have. I wanted you to become a world famous dancer but what I should have realised was that it wasn't what you wanted". "It was Mark who told me you hated every minute of every lesson". He said you didn't want to tell me because you couldn't bear to hurt my feelings". "Do you remember what I said to you when I found that out?"
"As I recall you were very upset". Sam replied, "I thought at first I'd done something really bad and you were going to give me hell but you sat me down and told me you were so very sorry". "You told me you were wrong to try and live your life through me". "You told me I had one life to live and that every moment of that life is precious". "You said it was my life and although I should listen to others who would advise me how to live it, ultimately it was my choice and my choice alone which direction it should go in". "You made me promise to always tell the truth and said that living a lie is as bad as not telling the truth".
"That was wonderfully recited Samantha", her mother scolded, "but did you ever really think about it or understand what I was trying to tell you"?
Sam looked sheepishly at her mother. "No I have to admit that it all went over my head". "I was just so glad I wasn't in any trouble and that I wouldn't have to go to those ridiculous ballet classes ever again".
"Well darling you are older now and a hell of a lot wiser…. " "Think about it now Sammie and be true to yourself". "Always remember I love you and that I will always be with you".
With those parting words and one last kiss on Sam's forehead the 'ghost of mother past' stood and vanished as quickly as she had come.
"Be true to yourself" Sam recited the words over and over in her head. God how her head hurt, and she was sure her last meal was about to make a re-appearance. She looked at her watch, it had been 4 hours since she last took some painkillers, a few more may ease Thor's hammer that was resounding in her head.
She hauled herself onto very shaky feet and headed for the infirmary. Snatches of recent conversations danced in and out of her brain. "You've always wanted to study this cloud and now you're in a hurry to leave it", "you deserve to love someone and be loved in return", "I would never ask you to give up your career", "be true to yourself". "It's time to let go of the things that prevent you from finding happiness." "Life beyond ambition and career." What did it all mean, what wasn't she seeing? She had followed the career she had wanted, the Air Force was her life, always had been in fact, even in those early days after her mother had died it was the Air Force that had kept her going. Her father had not really handled the death of Mum very well. Of course Mark had made matters worse by blaming Dad and the Air Force for her loss. It had made Dad pull away and become more distant. It wasn't Dad's fault he couldn't be there to pick Mom up. He wasn't driving the car that careered into Mum's taxi. He wasn't to blame but Mark didn't believe that and neither really did Dad so he didn't know how to handle his own grief let alone hers. So she had done what any military brat had learnt to do. She pulled herself up by her bootstraps, buried her grief deep down in her soul and submerged herself in her ambition, to become an astronaut and she would do this by the only means she knew, by working her butt off at school and joining the Air Force as soon as she could. They would sponsor her studies and give order to her life and in some ways give her a family which was something she felt she had lost.
Daniel's comment about the cloud confused her as well. Yes of course she had always wanted to study it. It was a chance in a lifetime!! Far beyond her wildest dreams which never stretched as far as actually being in a gas cloud!!! She was an astrophysicist for crying out loud. But she was also an Air Force Major with responsibilities to the rest of the crew. She really needed to figure out how the hell to get the ship out of here or she would never see the Colonel again. Her heart lurched and her pulse quickened at the thought of never seeing Jack again. She remembered other occasions when the roles had been reversed and it was he who was missing in action. She wondered if he was feeling now as she had then when unable to get him back. Thankfully the scientist in her had come up with a solution long after the military had given up and it was the scientist that would find an answer to this problem too.
Oh boy, first delusions now she was turning schizoid and seeing herself as two different people: Major Carter the dedicated, reliable career soldier and Dr. Samantha Carter astrophysicist who could give MagGyver a run for his money any day of the week. Bet he had never blown up a star or saved the world even with a reel of duct tape!!! She began to laugh a little hysterically but sobered quickly as she heard her laughter echo down the empty corridor. "Careful Sam" she warned herself "you're beginning to loose it".
She resumed her journey to the infirmary and located a box of Anvil. Taking two tablets she chanced a glance in a mirror. "You both look like hell" she told herself but was glad to see the cut on her head had not bled any more and that her musings of having two personalities had not made her grow another head.
She had never really seen herself as two people before. Did she have a predominant personality? Was she more soldier or more astrophysics. The two were not mutually exclusive as she had been both for many years but she began to ask herself a strange question. If she had to choose one, which would it be? She enjoyed being in the Air Force, it was her life, and her stability or at least it had been. Her dad was Air Force and she had been born into it following her Dad from base to base being brought up with the Air Force well and truly in her blood. She had never known anything different. Rules and regulations gave her stability in her life, it gave her order. She thrived on order, it was what made her a good astrophysicist….. or was it? She recalled a past conversation with McKay. He had told her it was her ability to think outside the box, beyond the rules and order that made her so good at what she did. So was she first and foremost a scientist. Her ambition all those years ago had been to become an Astronaut. In that she had surpassed her wildest dreams. The stargate programme was so much more than she had ever fantasised. If she had not joined the stargate programme, she would probably never have met the Colonel, Daniel, Teal'c, or Janet. She could do with a visit from Janet if only to reassure her she was not going mad. Janet was another 2-part person Major/Doctor. Of course in some ways so was the Colonel: The side he chose to show most people: hard nosed, die cast, cynical, 100% honourable military Colonel and the side only those who really knew him could see: thoughtful, caring, intelligent, funny and in her eyes HOT! Oh so very hot!!! Her heart lurched again and her temperature rose. She loved him. It was as simple as that…. She loved him and the thought of never seeing him again drove her crazy. After the zatark they had agreed to leave their feelings in that room but now she realised she hadn't left them anywhere, she had simply buried them and tried to deny them. She certainly wasn't being true to herself there. It was all because of those damm fraternisation regulations, she couldn't tell him how much she loved him. Damm the regulations. What good were they anyway? Just because the regulations wouldn't let her declare her love didn't make her stop loving him. It didn't make her care any less about him. She couldn't just turn off her feelings because the regulations said she shouldn't have any!!! It didn't make her a bad soldier; in fact it probably made her a better one. The bond that all of SG1 shared was the quintessential element that made them such a great team. The feelings she had for the other guys didn't extend to the sexual ones she had for the Colonel but she loved them all far more than the regs. would probably deem as proper. At what point does loving and caring about someone become 'dangerous' or 'unbecoming' to the Air Force!! OK it would be totally inappropriate to display any sexual feelings or actions in front of anyone else but they were adults not hormone crazed teenagers, they could be discreet.
"I would never ask you to give up your career". His words again pounded in her head. That was the bottom line wasn't it? No matter how much she hated the fraternisation regs. she would never go against them and disclosure would mean the end of her career….. and his. So ultimately the question was what meant more to her? She had told him she would give it up if only she knew whether there was a chance for them both. What did she expect though. Did she expect him to declare his feelings for her? No he would never put her in such an awkward position because he cared about her too much for that.
Like a game of ping-pong her thoughts bounced one way and then the other.
Hope you liked it. Has anyone figured which direction I'm going in? Only one more chapter to go. Please review… little button down there on the left…. please….