Hello there, reader. This is the author. Hello. *Big smile and a ten minute silence period* I know this story is a bit confusing, considering the two characters are writing. But remember, Hermione is in italics, and Ron is in regular type.

Disclaimer: I obviously did not make up these characters and the basis of the plot. I did, however make up the fictitious events! Go me! The rest belongs to J.K. Rowling and/or the famous people's names used against their will in my demented story!

CHAPTER UNO- THE PHILOSPHER'S STONE

Okay, this is Ron.

Uh, they know that. You are so stupid! You spelled the title wrong.

I did?

Of course you did! Philosopher is spelled p-h-i-l-o-s-o-p-h-e-r, not p-h-i-l-o-s-p-h-e-r.

Carry on!

Okay, right. Anyways-

It's 'anyway!'

Shut up and let me write, okay! You can ramble on in the next chapter!

True.

Okay, so anyway, when I first left my house in the morning, we were late because Percy forgot his badge shine and me mum forgot to kiss dad. And, remember, I'm perfect, so I didn't forget a thing!

Yeah…you are so perfect.

Shut up, Hermione! Anyway, as soon as we got to King's Cross, mum pushed me through the little barrier thingy and I sat down in an empty compartment. As I sat there, some scrawny-looking, lost boy came in. He asked me, "Can I sit here?"

I wanted to say 'no', but, since I am perfect, I offered him a seat. I introduced myself and he told me that he was Harry Potter. Of course, I was bewildered and we continued on the subject of him for a while. As soon as that subject became old, a girl invaded our privacy and asked if we had seen Neville Longbottom's toad.

We hadn't, so I said that we hadn't and she insulted me by saying that I had a bit of dirt on my nose. It was a freckle! Thank God she left, or else I'd have to have put a curse on the hag.

HAG?! RONALD!!!!! YOU ARE A BAS-

Hermione…. The children….

WHO CARES!! NEVER INSULT ME!!! DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE MY POWER!!!

Okay, I will... Blah...Blah…Blah… Okay, what really happened. It is now the Hogwarts Express. I happen to stumble-

You always stumble…

I HAPPENED TO STUMBLE across the faithful compartment that Harry Potter had happened to be sitting in. But, of course, I didn't know that. Fred and George had been saying something about meeting Harry Potter, but knowing that they are always taking the piss with me didn't reassure that.

So, we start talking and it's all dandy and stuff. I get to like him. He was a pretty swell chap! Then, here enters this girl with bushy brown hair… She was a bit pushy and I didn't like it. I think that she said her name was Hermione or something like-

I am going to hex you, Weasley, just you wait! YOU ALREADY TOLD THAT PART OF THE STORY!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I'm scared! Fine! I'm going to cut it out and jump along to the Sorting! OKAY?! IS THAT FINE WITH YOU, HERMIONE?!

Yes, go right ahead.

Grrrr. Anyway, we were all sorted into Gryffindor. Jolly good time it was. Good food…. I believe that my favourite of the dishes was the delectable roast beef! And…and the cakes were goooooooood eatin'! Damn, I'm hungry now!

Blah blah blah…. First class! Much fun! Hermione was, of course, Miss know-it-all and -

AND PROUD!

Good, anyway, during our first Potions class, Snape and all of his dark glory had asked Harry a simple question. Of course, he couldn't answer it and Snape didn't call on Hermione because he was being the evil prat that he is and I believe that he took points away from Gryffindor…. Oh wait… Was it that time? No, perhaps I'm getting it mixed up with the countless other times…. Whatever.

So, we jump to Halloween! I had offended Hermione… I can't remember what I did, but I had offended her (Hey! She's not cutting me off! World Record!) and she had run to the Girl's Bathroom to cry. Me, being the good boy that I am --

Ha!

Just shut up, okay? Anyhow, I decided that- Oh, wait… I forgot to… Okay, scratch the thing about where I decided something.

Yeah, because he is too dense to decide anything for himself.

IGNORING IT! Okay, before I decided what I was going to do, a huge amount of screaming and shouts were coming from outside of the Great Hall. Professor Quirrell, the lying, sneak of a twit, came running into the Great Hall and shouted, "TROLL!!"

Well, me, being the brave and heroic person that I am, stood up and grabbed Harry. Someone had informed us that Hermione was in the Girl's Bathroom. The troll was there!

Upon entering the water closet, we saw the gargantuan Troll, swing its bloody club at the sinks, destroying everything in its path and Hermione was also in his path! Harry, being the irrational and hormonal prat that he is, jumped on it's back, and stuck his wand up its nose. The Troll, being quite surprised at the horrendous action, dropped his club. Now it was my time to shine! I took out my wand and shouted, "Wingardium Leviosa!" and his club hit him upside the head, causing him to go unconscious! I had saved the day! Go me!

Wait! I had forgotten to mention two very important events that happened before this! Firstly, Harry had become the youngest seeker on a house team for a long time. Secondly, one evening, Malfoy had set up for a duel of something in the Trophy room. As Neville, Harry, Hermione, and I reach there, we had figured out that we had been tricked! So, we go a-dodging Filch in some dark room. Soon, I hear this low rumble. At first, I thought that I was hungry, but it grew louder and louder. Bloody hell, I wanted to die! I was so frightened!!! A huge amount of slobber fell onto my shoulder and I look up to see a humungous three-headed dog. By that time, all four of us were screaming.

After we escaped, Harry had made a connection with the huge dog and the break-in at Gringotts. He was convinced that that dog was hiding whatever was in vault that everyone had been keeping a secret.

Okay, we're done with that! So, after Harry's first Quidditch (GO CHUDDLEY CANNONS!!!!!!!) Match, we soon find out that that three-headed dog was not only Hagrid's pet, but his name was Fluffy. That is just a very retarded name, no? I mean, come on! Hagrid must have been mental!

Happy Christmas! It's Christmastime! I don't get jack shit, but Harry receives an Invisibility Cloak that was his father's from an anonymous person. Oh, and Hermione was at home. Harry decided that he would sneak into the Restricted Section of the Library to look for a book on Flamel… On his way back, he had stumbled across some pretty mirror thing that showed your deepest desires.

One night, he dragged me along to see it. Upon looking in the mirror, I saw me holding the Quidditch Cup and as Head Boy! I was soooooooooooooooooo amused! So, then, one evening, the easy-to-get-obsessed-with-something-at-the-speed-of-light Harry came back, upset that Dumbledore said that he need not see the mirror again because they were moving it. I told him I was sorry, but inside, I was pointing and laughing. But, then again, I really do hope that my little reflection will come true…. Maybe Harry is going to die soon because he saw his family… Oh! Pensive time!

So, a week or so passes and we discover that Nicholas Flamel is the maker of The Philospher's Stone! Quite a funny story really… We noticed it on the back of a Chocolate Frog card… I always told mum that they were going to save my life one day, and look! I SAVED THE WHOLE BLOODY SCHOOL!!!

Then there was a Quidditch match against Hufflepuff and we won and I am not going to discuss the events because…I'm a bit sensitive…. Stupid Malfoy…. Harry appears in the common room later that night, all in a fluster, and tells us that when he was putting his broom away, he saw Snape and Quirrell in the Forbidden Forrest. Snape was forcing information out of Quirrell about how the Stone was guarded. And seeing as we are who we are, and seeing as he is the scapegoat in all of our mysteries, we immediately think that Snape is the bad guy! But I swear unto you that one day we will see his true colours and he is going to be evil, I tell you! EVIL!

Um, I don't really like this incident much, so, I'll sum it up in one sentence: Hagrid raises a baby dragon and Harry sends the beast off to my brother, Charlie, in Romania. Harry and Hermione were caught by Filch upon leaving the tower. I couldn't go because I was bitten by the bloody beast… It shows my superiority!

Harry and Hermione told me that when they were in the Forbidden Forrest serving their detentions, a unicorn-slaying monster attacked Harry. We'll leave it at that…

Soon, we all make connections to the strange events and stuff at school. Harry finds that it is odd that Hagrid met a creepy dude in a hood and then told him how to get past Fluffy by playing music! Our curiosity and anxiousness peaked and we grabbed Harry's flute, which was a Christmas present from Hagrid, and go and play some moooooooooosick!

After we got past Fluffy, we were soon ensnared by the Devil's Snare (no pun intended). I was the last to get out, because, I admit, I was too scared to stop struggling (no, actually, Hermione fended it off with the Incendio charm). Then, in the next room, Harry caught a flying key and had another moment of glory to add to the collection. Then, the next room was a giant chessboard! It was my specialty, seeing as I'm the chess master! So, okay, lalalalalalalalalala. Here I am faced with a problem. I can win, however, I have to sacrifice myself. I decide that I will sacrifice myself. I do. I sacrifice myself. I sacrificed myself for my friends.

Cut the drama.

The next room, I was told, was a potion room, they picked the best potion, and Hermione was left behind.

I sacrificed myself. I did. I sacrificed myself for-

Okay, so You-Know-Who and Professor Quirrell were attached to each other like mutant Siamese Twins. I wondered how it would have been for Quirrell to go to the bathroom and have You-Know-Who there too… Sort of creepy, no? I know I wouldn't like it. Glory. Glory. Glory. Glory. Glory. Quirrell is defeated and You-Know-Who flees the scene again!

Harry is triumphant! YAY! NO ACKNOWLEDGMENT TO US!!

Actually, there was, Ron. Remember we got points?

Oh, yeah…. So, technically, Slytherin was supposed to have won the House Cup, but Gryffindor won because, you know, we did.

The End.

Or so you think!!!!

Author Note: Sorry that it had taken me forever to add this chapter. Sometimes things happen and there is nothin' you can do 'bout it. I hope you enjoyed. I'm going to do a chapter for each book, so bear with me!!! Reviews are nice…