"Without you,

The world revives colors renew,

But I know blue

Only blue, lonely blue

Within me, blue

Without you...the mind churns

The heart yearns, the tears dry

Without you Life goes on but I'm gone

Cause I die...without you

"Without You", RENT

"You busy?" Toby looked up and saw CJ standing in the open doorway.

"For you, no," he sighed and tossed his legal pad in the direction of Sam's bed and grimaced as it hit the floor. "What's up?"

"Just wanted to talk," she said, shrugging.

"Well, don't just stand there, then," he said, sprawling back on his bed. She sat down on Sam's bed and regarded him for a long moment. "What?"

"Did you talk to Andi today?" she asked.

He groaned. "No. She's got a busy day today, said she'd call me tomorrow." She nodded and he eyed her suspiciously. "CJ? What do you know?"

"Nothing," she said evenly. She probably would have fooled just about anyone else she knew, but she'd never been all that good at lying to him.

"CJ. What do you know?" he repeated.

"I know nothing, Toby. I know nothing except for the fact that I'm watching a good friend fall apart," she said pointedly.

Toby sighed as he closed his eyes. CJ was relentless. He'd been surprised she'd been so restrained about his and Andi's problems. "I'm not falling apart."

"Bull. You have been drunk almost every night of this campaign. I'm told that before I signed on, you were drunk several of the days as well. Why are you doing this?" she asked.

"I notice you didn't say this wasn't like me," he said, sitting up to look at her.

"No, I know this is like you. I want to know why. Are you trying to become an alcoholic? Or is this just a Toby phase? It's getting pretty damn hard to tell, Toby," she finished softly. He didn't answer. "People are worried about you. Everyone knows you and Andrea are having problems. They're forgiving a lot of your behavior because of that. But you're worrying people and you're scaring me." she whispered.

Toby fell back onto the bed and turned his head to look at her. CJ stretched her long body over Sam's bed, so she could look him in the eye. "I'm sorry," he whispered. She nodded. "I don't...oh, hell." He rubbed his hand over his face and sighed. "I think she's leaving me."

There was a long silence. He could see the acknowledgement in her face. "You know something, CJ." It wasn't a question.

CJ sighed and closed her eyes. "I really, honestly can't...do you know where I am, Toby? Do you realize what is happening here? I'm caught between my two best friends and I don't know who to help and who to betray. And there's nothing any of us can do about it. I can't betray Andrea to you any more than I could betray you to Andrea. Please don't...I don't want to make choices between you two."

"Ok," he said quietly. "I won't do that to you."

"Thank you," she replied.

They were quiet for a while, until he started talking again, at first slowly and painfully, but gradually gathering steam. "She's leaving me, CJ. And I can't do a damn thing about it. I love her, so I have to let her leave because it's what she wants, but I don't want to lose her. What do I do now? How do I, I don't know, recover...She's the only woman I've ever loved, and it just hurts so much that we can't make it work. I know you need more than love, you need trust and respect, and we have that. We just can't...I don't know, live. And I think I'm more scared now than I've ever been before," he finished in a rush.

The words hung in the air between them, like the sudden humidity before the impending thunderstorm outside. "Are you scared of losing Andrea or are you scared of this campaign?" CJ asked finally. He glanced at her, but she was on her back, staring at the ceiling instead of looking at him.

"I don't know. Both, neither. I don't know." he answered softly.

"They won't fire you," she offered, as though she knew it wasn't going to be of much help.

"No, I suppose not," he admitted.

"And Andrea loves you," she told him. "She's not any happier than you are."

He nodded. "I know."

"You're both so miserable. Maybe this is good. I know it hurts, but maybe it'll be better than always bleeding from constantly reopened battle scars, you know?" she whispered. He looked at her again, but she was still concentrating on the ceiling. He didn't respond.

They remained like that for a long time. Neither of them moved, even when Sam came into the room to get something. He quickly left without finding what he needed, recognizing that he was intruding upon something private and painful. Finally, Toby asked, "Are you scared, CJ?"

"A little," she admitted.

"Of Mandy's job?" he asked.

"You said I have more talent than Mandy." She wasn't answering his question, but her voice held a wondering note, as though she couldn't believe he would say such a thing.

"You do," he said simply. She didn't reply. "What's scaring you?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's just free floating anxiety from everyone else." He nodded, knowing she was susceptible to things like that. Other people's stress levels tended to make her more and more nervous as though she had to be constantly on guard for an explosion. He'd never asked why, and he wasn't sure she'd tell him if he did ask. His and Andrea's problems were probably not helping her any, he realized.

"I told Josh he could call me Claudia Jean," she said suddenly. Toby blinked. He knew the number of people in the world who had that privilege could be counted on both hands with fingers left over. He was one of them, of course. He and Andrea both, although he couldn't remember ever actually using it.

"Good," he said.

"You think?" she asked, uncertain.

"Josh isn't a bad guy. You'll be all right," he reassured her gruffly. If she had told Josh her name, then it meant she had someone else to lean on. And CJ had precious few people she trusted enough to lean on. He knew that part of it was the fact that right now she wasn't sure she could depend on him or Andrea, because they had their own problems. And if there was one thing CJ was fanatical about, it was the lengths she'd go to in order to not be a problem or a burden to someone else. Toby knew that she and Josh had become closer than he'd ever seen CJ get to someone. It didn't hurt, since he knew that they were closer to each other than most people could get, but that neither of them could make it completely past the other's barriers. They were both walled off, private people. Perhaps that was why he couldn't live with Andrea, who was as open as a waterfall. Josh, however, wasn't quite as open as Andi, but was millions of miles away from CJ's lockdown mentality. If Josh could breach those bulwarks, then more power to him, Toby thought, knowing that he never could, any more than CJ could breach his own.

"Ok," she whispered.

"We need to go to dinner," he said, glancing at his watch.

"I know." She stood up and sighed, tired.

At the door, he turned to face her. "Listen..." he trailed off, in order to marshall his thoughts better, than continued. "I don't mean to be scary. I'll try and cut back on the drinking, ok? And I'll talk to Andrea, ok?"

She didn't say anything, but reached out and wrapped her long arms around him. He pulled her close, and they stood there for a long moment, secure in the knowledge that the other one was just as uncertain about everything.

Memories are just where you laid them

Dragging waters till the depths give up their dead

What did you expect to find?

Was it something you left behind?

Don't you remember everything I said when I said,

Don't fall away, and leave me to myself

Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

"Hemorrage (In My Hands)", Fuel

The speech had gone fairly well, Leo thought as he lowered himself to sit on one of the camp cots Abbey had bought for the strat room. Jed was sprawled in an armchair next to him. They looked up as CJ and Toby entered the room. Toby was still in his shirt and tie, although the tie was now unknotted, but CJ had changed into shorts and a t-shirt. They were arguing quietly, but stopped when they saw the men relaxing. "Good job tonight, you two," he said, waving them over.

"Yes, come, sit, relax awhile before Abbey chases us all to bed," Jed said, smiling.

Toby mumbled something under his breath, but CJ smacked him lightly and moved very carefully towards the other cot. She sighed as she kicked off her sandals. Toby dragged another chair over and joined the group. "It went well enough," he commented.

"That it did," Jed said.

"What time did Josh say Mandy's flight left?" Leo asked.

"Sam said 10:45," Toby said glancing at his watch. It was 11.

"I'm sorry to see her go, but it just might be nice to not watch them constantly bicker," Jed sighed. Leo nodded. CJ didn't say anything, just rubbed at her forehead as though it hurt. Toby caught her at it, and silently got up and left the room. He came back a moment later and handed her a cold bottle of that juice with the funny name, a bottle of Tylenol and her glasses. She made a face at him, but took the items without comment. "You know, CJ, we're not being formal here. If you want to stretch out on that camp cot, don't stop yourself on our account," Jed told her, smiling.

"Thank you, sir," she sighed, managing to smile in Jed's general direction. She put the glasses on, downed two pills quickly, and swung her feet up onto the cot, resting her head back on the overstuffed throw pillow at the end nearest Toby. Toby said something else that Leo didn't catch, and she reached out and smacked his leg. "Shush," she said firmly.

"What was that?" Jed asked.

"Nothing, sir," CJ said.

"Toby, what did you say?" Jed persisted.

"I told her that people who couldn't see past the end of their noses should expect to have headaches when they try to do without corrective vision," Toby answered as CJ groaned.

"I can see past the end of my nose," she insisted, as both Jed and Leo chuckled.

"Not very far," Toby retorted.

"I can see quite well enough to do what I am doing right now. The fact that my head hurts has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I wasn't wearing my contacts," she informed him.

"Of course not," Toby said lightly.

"Are you myopic or hyperopic?" Jed asked, smiling over at her.

"Myopic," she sighed. "Extremely myopic."

"Yes, so myopic she can fall into a swimming pool that she knows is there," Toby said teasingly.

"Oh, hush. Like you've never done anything embarrassing," CJ said, beginning to blush.

"I don't believe I've heard anything about this," Leo said.

CJ groaned, and put her hands over her face, blushing furiously. Toby smiled, and told Leo and Jed about how CJ had been having a rather lousy day when he'd offered her the campaign job. Jed laughed heartily at the description of a dripping wet CJ trying to walk into her house, but missing steps she couldn't see.

"I'm sorry, CJ, but you have to admit that it is pretty funny," Jed apologized.

"Mm, I suppose it is," she replied, taking her hands down from her face. "But I don't think it's nearly as funny as a city boy who can't follow a metro parks trail, even though it's made of gravel , has large green signs with bright yellow arrows marking the way, and is lined with those timbers. It's even funnier when said city boy has to be fished out of a blackberry bush by a park ranger about a mile away from the trail and gets fined $500 dollars for damaging the natural environment because he can't manage to make a simple right hand turn to follow the very clearly marked trail," she said innocently.

Leo laughed, guessing correctly that she was referring to Toby. Toby had the grace to look somewhat abashed as he said, "No, no, I think the pool is funnier."

"Josiah, are you coming to bed or what?" The group looked up, laughing, as Abbey walked into the strat room. Leo waved her over, still chuckling.

"Oh, come on, Abbey, join the party. We can sleep on the bus," he said. She shrugged and came over to sit down on his cot, squeezing his shoulder as she sat between him and Jed.

"All right, but just for a moment. I just got finished telling Zoey that everyone else was taking a nap too, and that won't fly if we stay up gossiping," she said. "So, what on earth is so funny?"

"Toby and CJ are one-upping each other's embarrassing stories," Jed explained, giving her a quick summary of the havoc bad eyesight can play around swimming pools and how some people just don't get along with the great outdoors.

"Oh, that is rich, Toby, that is rich," Abbey laughed after Jed finished explaining Toby's blackberry encounter.

"Yes, well," Toby said with a long suffering sigh and a dirty look in CJ's direction.

CJ, to her credit, just smiled mildly. "I can bring it, Toby Ziegler."

"Yes, yes, you can, CJ Cregg," Toby replied in the same mild tone. They gave each other the type of look Leo recognized as one that only your best friend could give you and live.

"Ok, enough stories, bed time," Abbey declared. "I, for one, am tired. C'mon, Jed," she said, standing and offering her husband a hand up. He rolled his eyes, but took it.

"Thanks for the new décor, Mrs. Bartlet," CJ piped up.

"I thought a couple more places to catch some sleep couldn't hurt. Besides, it gave Zoey and I something to do." She smiled at the remaining night owls. "Y'all might want to consider some shut-eye yourselves," she suggested.

"In a little bit, Abbey, in a little bit," Leo assured her, smiling at his friend.

"Well, then, good night all," Jed nodded a farewell as he put his arm around his wife.

"Night," the three of them chorused as the Bartlets left the room.

CJ got up long enough to grab her bag from the table by the door and came back to her spot on the cot, stretching her long legs and sighing as she swung them back up on the cot.

"Did you get a good long run in today?" Toby asked idly. Somehow, Leo wasn't surprised that CJ was a runner, although he didn't think he'd known it before now.

"And a lecture," she said sourly, nodding.

"Who lectured you?" Leo asked.

"Josh," she answered. "He doesn't think I should run alone in the morning."

"Well, he's probably right," Toby commented.

"Don't you start," she warned him.

"CJ, you've been doing this crack of dawn insanity as long as I've known you. I know better than to mock the workout," he assured her.

"Damn straight," she muttered.

"What was Josh's problem?" Leo wondered.

She sighed. "He doesn't like the fact the no one knows where I've gone or how long I've been gone for."

"Well, what time does this running take place?" Leo asked.

"5:30, 6," she shrugged.

"Problem solved. I'm up by then, you just call me and then someone knows you're leaving," Leo told her. "To tell the truth, I'm not wild about no one knowing where you are either."

Toby was silently shrinking in his chair as though expecting an explosion. Leo watched CJ count to 10 silently before starting, "Leo, I can,"

"Take care of yourself, I'm not saying you can't. I'd tell anyone else working on the campaign the same thing, including the guys. Besides, I have a daughter who's probably not much younger than you are, and I still have her call me when she knows she's going to be getting in late. Just humor me," Leo ordered gently.

CJ looked mutinous, but finally nodded.

"Ok, I'm going to go take that nap," Toby said, seeming eager to extricate himself from this conversation before CJ decided to let Leo have it anyway. He reached out to tap CJ's forehead in rare display of affection. It seemed to defuse her and she relaxed and grabbed his hand a moment. Leo watched the look that passed between them before CJ nodded and told him good night. "G'night, CJ. Leo," Toby shrugged as he turned to go.

"See you in a couple hours," Leo called as Toby left. He regarded CJ as she fished a file out of her bad and started flipping through it. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Trying to get a handle on the next trip," she explained, looking over the top of the folder.

"CJ, you worked all day, we're getting on a bus in 4 hours, and you're still at it. Why don't you just take a nice long break and work later?" When she moved to protest, he sighed and put his hands up. "All right, all right. Do you want some help?" he offered.

She shook her head. "No, I'm all right."

Leo let her work in peace a moment, but when she started rubbing at her head again, he decided to try and distract her. "Is there anything in particular you want in an assistant?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, confused.

"Well, for Toby we need to find someone who can keep up with him, and Josh needs someone who can deal with him, so I suppose it's a good thing that Donna found him," Leo explained. "What do you think you need? " She appeared to ponder that for a moment, and he was glad to see that she put the file aside. "Have you ever had an assistant before?" he asked, realizing that she might not have.

"I had a secretary at Trinton-Day that I shared with my group, but other than that, no. It didn't work well," she admitted.

Leo would not have pegged CJ as being difficult to work with, so he asked curiously, "Why not?"

"She would get annoyed because I kept forgetting to give her my schedule, and I kept doing all my own typing. She thought I felt like I was above having her for a secretary," she explained, timidly.

"I see. Well, if we find you an assistant, you could work something out with her that's she's more of someone to help you, rather than a secretary. How's that sound?" he asked. She nodded judiciously, so he continued, "What do you think you could use help with?"

"Setting up and coordinating travel dates," she said automatically.

"Ok, what else?" He seemed to be succeeding at keeping her distracted. She was about to answer, when her cell phone rang.

"Bartlet for America, CJ's mobile office," she answered the phone. Leo smiled; CJ'd had the most problem remembering the phone phrase, and it was heartening to see that it was much more natural that before. "What? Sam, slow down..." The smile disappeared as CJ sat up, frowning. "She did what ...you're kidding...ok, ok. Well, I guess that makes sense...where are you? You're not sure...Ok, well...Yes, I surmised that from the fact that you're calling me...Sam...Samuel...What on earth have...you don't know that either...ya think?" Leo leaned forward as CJ's voice started to rise. She was concentrating intently on what Sam was saying and her face shifted from worried to angry and then back to worried. "Ok, Sam, is there a bartender there...Yeah, can I talk to him, please...well, if for no other reason that he would know where you are, yes? Thank you...Hi, what's your name? Ok, Steven, I'm CJ...yes, yes, they are mine...yeah, I know he is...well, yes, she was, but that's really neither here nor there...where are you...we're staying at the La Quinta...right...oh, ok, that's not too far...about a mile and a half? Ok, what street...yeah, I think I can find that...no, I'm going to walk over...yeah, I should be there in about half an hour...are they being completely obnoxious? Oh, good...what were they drinking anyway? Oh, that would do it, yeah...yeah, don't let them leave...well, yes, that goes without saying...ok, thank you." She rolled her eyes at Leo as she paused a moment. "Sam? Ok, you two stay put . I will be there in about half an hour. Behave yourselves, if at all possible. Oh, and Sam, you're cut off, you understand me? Good. I will be there soon. Bye." She shook her head and punched the off button on the phone.

"What happened?" Leo asked as she shoved her feet into her sandals.

She sighed. "As far as I can tell, Mandy broke up with Josh, apparently in front of Sam, so the two of them took what seemed like the most reasonable course of action. The upshot is, Sam's not exactly drunk, but he can't drive, and Josh is probably completely trashed, from the sounds of things."

"Oh God," Leo sighed.

"Exactly. So, since they have a rental car that we have to return to the hotel before we leave, I'm going to walk over there and drive them back here," She started randomly shoving files back into her bag.

"Want me to drive you in the other car?" he asked.

"No, it's only about a mile and a half. I can walk that in about 20 minutes." She looked angry, but it was hard for Leo to tell, since her face was almost completely blank. He nodded in response, but hoped she wasn't going to make things worse.

She got up to leave, but he stopped her. She turned at the doorway, looking at him expectantly as he tossed her the jacket Jed had left on the armchair. "Go ahead and wear this, it's getting chilly."

"Thanks." CJ caught the windbreaker and shrugged into it, looking tiny, since it was rather much too large. "I'll be back in awhile," she said before leaving the room.

"Yeah," Leo said, watching her go.

About 45 minutes later, Leo heard voices in the hallway and got up to investigate. As he left the room, CJ's voice floated around the corner. "No...Sam, just go to bed. I've got him."

Sam must have acquiesced, because he came around the corner. "What's up?" Leo asked.

"Oh, Leo," Sam sighed, squinting at him. "CJ had to come get us. Josh was getting sick." His words were just barely slurred, and Leo couldn't smell the alcohol, so he guessed that Sam hadn't been intending to get drunk. Leo knew, however, that Josh was a lightweight.

"Is he ok?" Leo asked.

"Yeah, CJ's got him." Sam rubbed at his face.

"Ok, go sleep it off. We've got a day tomorrow," Leo said calmly. Sam nodded and headed for his room. Leo walked around the corner and knocked on Josh's door. It opened a crack, and he poked his head in. CJ was standing in the bathroom doorway, talking softly.

"Josh, you deserve better than this. She was not worth all this." Josh mumbled something either inaudible or incoherent.

"CJ?" Leo asked, stepping into the room.

"We're ok, Leo," she said without turning around.

Leo paused, sensing that it would probably be better if he didn't interfere with this. "Ok, I'm going to get some sleep, if you've got everything under control."

"Ok. We'll be fine," she said, still focusing on Josh. Leo nodded, even though she wouldn't see, and left them alone.

All the times that I cried

All this wastin, it's all inside

And I feel all this pain

Stuffed it down, It's back again

And I lie here in bed, all alone I can't help but feel

tomorrow will be okay

"Outside", Staind

"Josh, come on. Time to get going." Josh groaned, but managed to open one eye to see Donna bending over him holding out a bottle of water.

"Time?" he moaned.

"It's about 4. You've got half an hour. Here, take these." She handed him some pills.

"Oh, God," he muttered, gulping them down. "What'd I just take?"

"Compazine, Tylenol and B vitamins, complements of Dr. Bartlet, who says if she sees you without a water bottle today, you'll be in serious trouble with her," Donna replied. "Come on. Up."

He managed to get out of bed and squinted at her. "Ok, I'm up."

"Good. Shower and come on." She turned to go.

"Is CJ mad?" he asked.

Donna paused by the door. "I don't know, it's hard to tell. She's being awfully quiet, but everyone is pretty sleepy at the moment. I don't think she ever went to bed."

"Oh." He watched Donna leave as he thought about that.

After his shower, he dragged his suitcase down to the strat room, feeling slightly better. Sam was sitting at one of the tables, looking shocked. "What happened?" he asked as he joined them.

"My guess is that Sam just got his first taste of a CJ outburst," Toby said from behind him, as he walked into the room. Josh turned to look at him. "What? They aren't all that unusual."

"Sam?" Josh asked.

"I'm fine," he answered. "She just...yeah."

Toby sat down as Josh asked, "Was she yelling about last night?"

"Nnno, not really. It wasn't all that specific," Sam put his head down on the table.

Toby nodded. "Then she's not actually mad at you." Sam and Josh looked at him. "She isn't. If she were, she would have gotten specific. What happened last night?"

Sam sighed and gave him a quick summary of events as Josh winced. Toby nodded, but didn't say anything. "Where's CJ now?" Josh asked.

"I don't know. Donna went after her," Sam replied.

"Next time you should just let her go," Toby said quietly.

"If I were you," Abbey Bartlet said just then, walking into the room, "I would leave CJ be for awhile." The men turned to look and saw Abbey smiling tightly and Donna following her, slightly wide eyed.

"Please tell me she didn't tear your head off, ma'am," Toby sighed.

"Toby, please give me credit for knowing when not to get in the way of someone who looks like a cornered wildcat," Abbey said sharply. "What is she mad about?"

"We don't know," Sam said.

"Well, why do you all look so surprised? You've never seen someone get mad?" she asked.

"CJ just seems, I don't know, so...calm," Sam replied. Donna nodded. Toby snorted in disbelief.

"Sam, you have noticed, in your dealings with CJ in the past several months that she is a redhead?" Abbey said. At his nod, she continued, "And you didn't think she'd have the temper to match?"

"Well..." Sam trailed off, shrugging.

"Sam, honestly, don't worry about it," Toby said. "She's not angry at you and she's probably not angry at Josh, either. She doesn't yell at someone when she's angry with someone else. And believe me, when she's pissed at you, you know exactly what she's mad about and what she expects you to do about it. If she's yelling indiscriminately and randomly, she's just frustrated and upset in general, and there's not a thing anyone can do about it. It's best just to let her stomp off and cool down. Just let her be and let her come to you. She'll probably apologize as soon as she sees you. Besides, she only gets a temper with people she's comfortable with." he added.

Abbey nodded. "We've all had a rough week and today is going to be a very long day. She's on the bus already, and I suggest you all just pretend she's not there unless she says something. It's not going to be easy for her to calm down when she just can't get away from everyone."

"And it's time to go," Toby added, leaving the room.

CJ was, in fact, in her usual seat at the back of the bus, although all Josh could see was her legs because she was sitting behind the partition. He sat down in his customary seat in front of Sam and across from Donna, while Toby sat two seats behind Donna instead of his usual seat in front of CJ. No one said much as the bus pulled away into the predawn darkness.

Josh woke up to find that the sun was up, they were just getting onto US 191, and that they'd been driving for about 3 hours. 3 down, 11 and a half to go. Hopefully, they'd make Denver before 6. Tonight's meeting was at 9, and then tomorrow was the big day. They had 3 appearances, and then the drive to Colorado Springs. He stretched and looked around. Donna was reading with her headphones on, Margaret was asleep in the seat in front of her. Leo was asleep two seats in front of Margaret, and the governor was reading something in the seat across from Leo. Abbey and Zoey were both asleep in the seats behind Leo and the Governor. Behind Josh, Sam was snoring softly, but Toby had moved back to his regular seat. He couldn't see CJ at all. Remembering what Donna had said about water bottles, he reached for his, but found that it was empty. The only person he could think of that would have a full water bottle was CJ. Sighing, he got up and walked towards the back of the bus. CJ was curled up on her seat, a ratty blue, green and white striped blanket covering her. She was asleep and Josh almost turned to go back to his seat without disturbing her when Toby looked up and asked if he needed something.

"Just wondered if I could have some of her water," he answered softly.

"Hey CJ," Toby said in a gentle voice. Josh moved to tell him not to wake her up, but Toby waved him to be quiet.

"Yeah?" came a sleepy mumble.

"Can Josh have your water bottle?" Toby asked.

"Yeah," she mumbled again. "Under th' seat."

"In your bag?" Toby just got a drowsy nod at that question. "Ok, thank you."

"Welcome," she muttered as she snuggled down deeper into her blanket.

Josh bent down and dragged CJ's tote bag out from under the seat. He found her water bottle, then wedged the bag back into its spot between the plastic bins she had put there. She'd claimed the seat early on as a mobile office, since she rarely slept on the bus. She had just about every possible office supply and set of papers in the bins under her seat and she had her lap desk. On one long boring trip, Sam had made her a sign that said "CJ's mobile office, knock and come in" and stuck it on the partition that blocked part of the seat from the rest of the bus. The partition was there because CJ's seat was behind the unused restroom. They'd converted the restroom into a storage closet, when it became obvious that no one was ever going to actually use it.

Standing back up, he noticed Toby watching him. "Just let her know you have her water bottle, she might not remember that conversation." Toby said.

"She said she wasn't much of a sleeper," Josh commented.

"She's not. You can have conversations with her and she'll be completely out, but she'll only hear you if you talk directly to her." Toby pointed to the seat across from him, so Josh sat down, recognizing the Toby obviously had something to say.

After regarding him a moment, Toby said, "She told me a little about your conversation the other night." Josh nodded. "You do realize that being allowed to call her Claudia Jean is a definite privilege?"

"She said something about only special people getting to call her by her name," Josh replied.

"Well, I can count the number of people who are allowed to know and use her full name on one hand." Toby gave Josh a penetrating stare. "It's pretty important."

Josh was quiet for a moment. "Are you one of them?"

Toby nodded. "I am, my wife, her father, and the mother of a college friend. It means she trusts you."

"So, what you're trying to say is that if I betray this trust, you'll kill me?" Josh asked, thinking he was getting the gist of what Toby was saying.

"No, what I am telling you is that she's given you the power to hurt her. And that you probably will. I know I have, and I know other people on that list have. But she'll forgive you." Toby said.

"So, she wouldn't forgive someone else?" Josh asked.

"No. No one else would be able to hurt her. She's a fortress, Josh. You've started to scale the walls." Toby hesitated, then continued. " She needs you, although she won't admit it. She won't lean on me right now, or on Andrea. She's not close to her father, and there's really no one else. The fact that she's starting to trust people on this campaign is something I've never seen her do this quickly before."

Josh digested that for a moment. "I see."

"I think she's gotten to the point where she's just plain tired. There are things about CJ I don't know, even though I've known her for almost 10 years. There are things she just won't tell me, and things I just won't ask. But, eventually, there will be questions that will have to be answered, and eventually seems to be coming sooner than she ever thought it would. I have no idea what is going on inside of her head, but l can tell that whatever it is, it's going to be a storm and it's going to come fast and furious. But I also know I won't be the one it hits first. Neither will Andrea."

"It's going to be me," Josh said.

"Probably. I don't know." Toby sighed and looked over at her. "In the whole time I've known her, she's evaded any attempts people have made to get closer than she'll allow. She runs, Josh. She's run from a couple opportunities I know she had while she was with EMILY'S list. She ran from at least one relationship. She'll say it was because things weren't working financially, and that is true, they weren't, but it was more than that. She'll say she wanted to stay in California, and that's why she wouldn't take the other jobs. That is also the truth, but not the whole truth. I'm actually surprised she came with me. I told Leo I wasn't sure I could get her to come, and that if I did get her, then I couldn't guarantee she'd stay. The fact that she's still here makes me think she's just tired of running anymore."

Josh mulled Toby's words over for awhile. Toby turned back to his legal pad in a clear indication that the conversation was over, so Josh wandered back up the aisle to his seat. Donna looked up as he sat down.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"Pretty good," he said, taking a swig from CJ's water bottle. "My head hurts, but that's about all."

"Good," Donna said, stretching.

"Good book?" he asked, pointing at the book she'd put down.

She swiveled to put her feet up on the seat and rested her chin on her knees. "I've already read it."

"Then why did you bring it with you?" he asked.

"I didn't. I read all mine, then I finished the book CJ lent me, and she didn't have anything else I hadn't already borrowed on this trip, and Margaret isn't a fast enough reader to need more than one book on the trip. I couldn't really find myself interested in the Chicago Manuel of Style, which was the only book Toby had with him, and all Sam had was a couple random magazines. I already know you only have the one book, and I've read that too. This was the only book in the hotel gift shop that was longer than 80 pages and not a western," she finished, holding out the Steven King novel. He took it and read the title: Pet Sematary.

"Well, it's definitely more than 80 pages," he said.

"Yeah, but it's not as good when you already know what's going to happen. Horror novels aren't really something you can read twice. The thrill just isn't there the second time." she said.

"Kind of like mysteries," he replied.

"No, I read those more than once. I like to see if I missed things the first time around." She sighed and took the book back from him. After a moment, she said, "I didn't tell you I was sorry."

He sighed. "It's ok. She'll be happier, and well, maybe that's what matters here."

"Are you all right?" she asked tentatively.

"Yeah. CJ knocked my head around a bit last night and pointed out some stuff that I didn't remember when I woke up but I remember now. I'll be fine." He looked out the window for a moment, then back to Donna. "I just wish she hadn't done it in the middle of an airport at the top of her lungs."

"Ouch." Donna winced.

"Something like that, yeah." He took another drink of water as Donna turned back to her book. He didn't much feel like talking, so he just watched the scenery fly by until he fell asleep again.