Seldom are things just as they seem
Calluses grow to keep what's underneath
Seeing it now I must admit
Cowardly way to keep you from me
'Cause I have been bought and sold
Done just as I've been told
And you, you ask me what was wrong
I'd answer nothing, nothing
"Closer", Guster
Colorado Springs, CO: July 12, 1998
"Josh, I do have to admit that you and CJ fighting is worse than you and Mandy fighting, and unless there's something going on that I don't know about, you two aren't even together," Sam sighed in exasperation as he slumped into the booth across from Josh.
"CJ and I aren't fighting, and what do you mean by that?" Josh said without looking up from his newspaper.
"Well, it sure seems like you are." Sam said, scanning the McDonalds' menu, even though he probably knew it by heart. "Why are we eating here? There's nothing even remotely good for you in this restaurant."
"It's cheap and it's fast. What did you mean that me and CJ fighting is worse?" Josh looked up from his reading.
"Because if you guys were fighting, then she's fighting all of us." Sam replied. "I'm hungry, where is everyone?"
"Two seconds ago you didn't want to eat here," Josh pointed out.
"I still don't, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm hungry," he explained.
Josh nodded. "They'll be here in a minute." They sat in silence for a moment, then Josh asked, "What did CJ fight you on?"
"Nothing, that's the problem. She hasn't said two words to anyone since we got to Colorado Springs. I tried to tell her that she messed up some of the text on the website and she didn't even say anything, she just fixed it." Sam waved his hand as he saw Leo and Toby enter the restaurant.
"She's got an awful lot on her plate at the moment, Sam." Josh nodded to the newcomers and folded up his paper.
"I'm just sayin'," Sam said, but trailed off as CJ joined them.
"Hey CJ," Josh said. She nodded vaguely. "Ok, let's eat before Sam gets hungry enough to gnaw on the table," he continued, standing up and heading for the line. He had noticed CJ's silence, but in light of the conversation he and Toby'd had on the bus, he was leaving it be. He looked over at her, but she didn't seem to be paying much attention to anything going on around her. Josh was jolted out of his reverie by Toby and Sam's argument.
"Sam, just get a damn quarter-pounder and be done with it already," Toby growled.
"Do you know how much..." Sam started but was cut off by Leo.
"Sam, order. Something. I don't care what. But do it in the next 30 seconds or you will walk back to the hotel," Leo said through clenched teeth. It wasn't too much of a threat- the hotel was less than 3 miles away- but Sam took it seriously and quickly ordered a garden salad and a small fry. Tempers were running high, even though nothing had gone wrong. Things were even going remarkably right, except for the fact that none of them had seen anything resembling home in close to a month. They were all exhausted and the fact that they still had a stop in St. Louis, as well as some smaller Missouri towns, before headed back towards New England was not helping any.
Josh quickly ordered a Big Mac and fries before Toby or Leo could say anything, then turned to CJ who blinked as though she hadn't realized she was expected to do something. She quietly ordered a large fry and chocolate milkshake. "That's all you're getting?" Josh asked.
"I'm not hungry," she explained. It was the longest non-work related sentence she'd said to him since Arizona. Josh caught Toby shooting her a sharp look, but just nodded.
They were all about halfway finished with their meals when Donna came into the restaurant. "Josh, you have a call," she said, coming over to the table.
"You drove over here just to tell me that?" he asked, looking up at her.
"No, Margaret and I were already over here to go grocery shopping for the bus," she retorted. Josh nodded and reached for the phone, but she pulled it away. He noticed her hand was clamped very firmly around the mouthpiece. "It's Mandy," she said quietly.
Josh tried to ignore the eyes that fell on him as the table instantly started paying attention to what was going on. "I don't want to talk to her," he said quietly.
"She said it's important and that she's not calling to fight. She thinks you have something of hers that she needs," Donna said. "I just wanted you to be forewarned."
He sighed, and reached out for the phone. As he got up from the table to move off a bit, he said "Madeline," in a rather frosty tone.
"Stop it Joshua, I don't have time to argue with you right now," Mandy sounded irritated, which didn't surprise him.
"Oh, and I do," he countered.
"Josh, can it. I just need one piece of information from you and then you can hang up on me and go back to whatever it was you were doing," she sighed.
"Fine. What do you need?" he asked shortly.
"Is my grey pinstripe suit over at your apartment?" she asked.
"In DC?" he asked.
"Unless you have another apartment somewhere else, yes, your apartment in DC," she snapped.
He sighed. "Mandy, I've been on the road for a month, which you well know. Before that, I don't think I'd actually been in DC for close to two months. Which means, I haven't seen my actual apartment since somewhere around the beginning of April. If you left something there, you either left it there before April, or you've been to my apartment since then without me knowing about it. In any case, I have no idea if your suit is in my apartment." He paused a moment, then said, "It's not in the hotel room?"
"No. It's not," she answered testily.
"I don't know where it is, sorry," he said after another tense moment.
"Can I go look for it?" she asked tiredly.
He didn't answer her for a moment, but then sighed and said, "Yeah, I guess."
"Ok." She sounded tired, and very small for a moment. "Josh?"
"Yeah?" he asked warily.
"Why did Donna have your phone?" He blinked, not expecting that question.
"She was making calls to set some stuff up for St. Louis while she and Margaret were doing some errands," he explained.
"Oh." Mandy was quiet, then said. "I have to go."
"Go, then," he said, shortly. He then hung up the phone without saying goodbye, or letting her say it either. He stood in the middle of the almost deserted restaurant for a long moment before realized he felt rather stupid standing there looking at his cell phone. Shaking his head, he walked back to his seat. Everyone was basically pretending that nothing had happened. Donna had gotten Margaret from the car, and they'd joined everyone else for lunch. He slid back into his seat and took a sip of his pop, trying to maintain the impression that nothing was wrong. A cool hand touched his, and he looked up to see CJ smiling sadly at him. She squeezed his hand, but didn't say anything. He squeezed back, and managed to eat his lunch.
They finished eating, and headed back to the hotel. Josh found himself squeezed between CJ and Sam in the backseat of the Taurus, since Donna and Margaret had taken the other cars to split the errands between them. CJ leaned her head back on the seat next to his, and whispered, "You all right?"
"Not especially, no," he whispered back. Thinking a moment, he added, "How about you?"
She didn't say anything for a moment, but then whispered, "I'll be fine, don't worry about me."
He started to say he was going to worry anyway, but Toby interrupted his thoughts by asking him if he'd been in touch with the DNC people in Washington today. "Yeah, Toby, we're set for St. Louis, but we're gonna have to make a DC run before we go back on the road. I've got Donna setting something up."
"What, someone stalling?" Leo asked. He was the best connected of them all with the party, but he'd given a lot of the work to Josh, partly to free himself up for dealing with Bartlet and partly to give Josh more experience.
"No, funding is ok, there's just a few fumblers on the platform. And they want to get their two cents worth in before the first debate in August." Josh sighed. "It's not going to be a problem."
"Well, if it's Henderson, tell him to stuff it. I've got his number and he knows it," Leo directed.
"I'll bear it in mind," Josh said.
"Why's the first debate so early?" Sam asked. "Aren't they usually in the fall?"
"Yes, but we want the people to have a good chance to hear our candidate's erudition. The more televised debates we can talk the Republicans into, the better, since we should be able to clean up in them," CJ said to everyone's surprise. She must have caught the startled look Josh saw Leo and Toby exchange in the front seat. "I'm right, aren't I?" she asked uncertainly.
"You sure are," Josh reassured her.
"Definitely," Leo said, nodding. "Good pickup," he added. CJ nodded, still looking slightly unsure. Josh squeezed her hand quickly as Leo pulled into the hotel parking lot.
"So, the plan is debate early and often," Sam said.
"That is the plan, yes," Toby said. "We'll see how it goes after the first run through, but for now, let's concentrate on taking care of Missouri. I'm not too confident about the small town tour before we head north. If I remember right, it can be pretty Southern down there, and we're not doing too well with Southerners," he continued as he got out of the car.
Josh was probably the only one who noticed CJ start to fiddle with the hem of her shirt as she waited for him to exit the car. Raising an eyebrow at her, he did so, but she didn't respond. He watched her as they walked into the hotel, listening to Leo and Toby discussing the South.
"Well, Hoynes has a trip next week," Leo was saying as they caught up to him.
"Yes, but we really need to get down there, both alone and with Hoynes. The lack of solidarity with our VP candidate is not going to continue to go over well," Toby argued.
"Wait," Josh said. "You actually want to travel with Hoynes?"
"Not particularly, no, but we need to, regardless. I don't like the man, I don't trust him, either, but he does have more pull than we do in certain areas," Toby replied.
"I know," Josh said. "Do you want me to talk to him again?"
"No, let it go for right now. There'll be time for that after we get back East," Leo said. "Let's just concentrate on not making complete fools of ourselves in Southern Missouri, which might be all we can hope for right now. CJ," Leo continued, "how close is the website to being ready?"
"Sam proofed it this morning," she answered. Turning to Toby, she asked, "Did you look at it yet?"
Toby shook his head. "Not since you made the changes this morning."
"I didn't change anything other than some of the wording in the introduction and the news page," she told him.
"Then it's fine. Go with it," he said, nodding.
"Great. Ship it home and have someone upload it ASAP, would you?" Leo directed her. She nodded. "Sam, Toby, how's St. Louis coming?"
"St. Louis is good to go," Sam said. Toby nodded in agreement.
"Good. Get the press packs for the other two stops and start in on that. Remember, the thing in...what's that town again?" he asked the group at large.
"Three States," CJ supplied quietly without appearing to think about it at all.
"Yeah, that one. It's Q&A, and we have no idea what kind of curves the audience might throw." Leo said.
"Why don't we know?" Sam asked.
"Because no one's ever been there before," CJ replied in the same quiet voice.
Leo nodded. "Our people in Missouri are looking into it, and it's going to be advertised as being on certain subjects, which will be scripted, but we will be open for audience questions at large."
"Great," Toby grumbled.
"We do well in small towns, Toby," Josh put in.
"I know, I know. Ok, CJ, you've got the info?" he said, changing the subject.
She nodded and closed her eyes in a familiar manner. "Blue box, second file after the neon green divider, titled Miscellaneous Missouri Info," she told him after a moment.
"How do you do that?" Sam asked in amazement.
"She's freakishly organized," Toby said. "Come on, Sam, we've got work to do." Leo followed them both into the strat room, leaving Josh and CJ standing in the lobby.
"I'd better call Mandy and see if she found the stuff she was looking for," Josh sighed.
"You don't have to," CJ told him. "You could just let it drop."
"I could, but I would like to know what she did about the room in Manchester and where she's going. I'm also a glutton for punishment," he informed her.
That got a quick smile. "Ok then. Go be a masochist."
"Thanks for the benediction," he said lightly, hoping for another smile. She didn't really reward him with one. "Hey, are you really ok?"
She tried to look surprised, but failed. "Of course I'm all right. Don't worry about me."
"You've just been awfully quiet and you aren't eating much," he said, forging ahead recklessly.
"I'm tired, that's all," she tried to smile reassuringly, but he hoped that she realized that he could see right though it.
"Why don't you go catch a nap, then. The website's done, and you're not even involved in tonight's meeting," he said cajolingly.
"Yeah, ok," she said, unconvincingly. He knew she wouldn't actually sleep, but she looked tired enough to at least consider lying down for a little while.
"I'll wake you up for dinner," he told her. She nodded, looking more and more exhausted by the second. It was as if as soon as he called her on being out of it, her body started to give out on her. It wasn't comforting. She might sleep after all, he thought. "Go on, then," he told her.
"I'll see you," she said as she walked down the hallway to the room she was sharing with Donna. He watched her fumble with the keys, and hoped she made it into the bed before she completely collapsed. Maybe I won't wake her for dinner, he thought as he went to join the rest of the group in the strat room.
If I gave everything, if I gave,
If I gave everything, if I gave.
I don't want you to love me anymore.
I don't want you to love me anymore.
If I came home one last time,
Think of what the two of us could do.
If I came home one last time,
Think of what the two of us could do.
I guess we'll never know.
"No Love", The Get-Up Kids
St. Louis, MO: July 14, 1998
Toby had never liked St. Louis, and now he had even less reason to like it. He hung up the phone and walked out into the hall in a daze.
"Toby? There's a meeting," Donna told him as she walked past. He waved to acknowledge he'd heard her, but couldn't find his voice.
Sam and Josh were bickering. Leo was bent over CJ's laptop looking at something she'd just completed. CJ herself was pacing. She hadn't sat still since they'd arrived. Toby reached out automatically to catch her arm, to try and get her to settle down. She flinched away from him, so he released her and managed to sit down heavily in a chair, letting her nervous energy distract him from his thoughts. Ignoring Leo's admonishment of Josh and Sam, he studied CJ as she fidgeted. She was almost manic, he realized, but he couldn't manage to form a coherent plan to deal with that right now. Suddenly frustrated by his complete impotence in both this situation and his life, he surged unsteadily to his feet.
"Stop it!" he exclaimed. Everyone turned to stare at him. "Just stop it! Let's just get this meeting over with so we can get out of this Godforsaken city and move on, so we can finally go home, where we'll probably be just as unwelcome, but at least it'll be a familiar hatred," he yelled, voice breaking.
"Toby?" he felt a hand on his arm and looked to see CJ grasping it. Her wide grey eyes held seven kinds of pain and fear. He subsided a bit, but tried to say something, anything, to at least make the look in CJ's eyes go away, to even make the splinters or his own heart reform. "Toby, come on. Let's just go, ok?" she whispered. He saw her glance at Leo and get a nod of permission. He saw the shocked looks on Sam and Josh's faces and felt a gentle tug on his arm. "Come on," she whispered again.
He let her lead him down the hall to his room. She steered him to his bed and made him sit down before disappearing. She came back with a glass of water, which she handed him. He looked up at her with eyes full of unshed tears.
"How long have you known?" he managed to choke out.
"A week, maybe," she said, knowing what he was talking about without asking for an explanation.
"She made you promise not to tell?" As he managed to talk, he found the tears becoming dislodged as he tried to blink them away. He didn't remember that they'd had a similar conversation a couple days before, over a thousand miles away.
CJ gently brushed one of his tears away with her own shaky hand. "No. It wasn't for me to tell." He nodded and pulled her to sit beside him. He could feel his breath catching in his chest and tried valiantly to make it stop, but failed. "No, no," CJ whispered soothingly as she drew him close. "Go ahead and cry, Toby, just cry, please?" He found he couldn't prevent it any longer and just let it go. CJ sat and calmly absorbed his stormy sobs.
When he finally stopped crying, she handed him some tissues and the glass of water again. They sat silently, but CJ couldn't help but fidget. Toby knew that she was ordinarily incapable of sitting still, but her squirming was actually reaching new heights of nervous energy. "CJ, are you all right?" he asked finally.
She looked startled and drew back slightly. "Let's not worry about me right now. Let's concentrate on you. How are you doing?"
"It hurts like hell. It's going to hurt, I know that. What I want to know right now is why you are so nervous," he said looking at her.
"I'm fine, Toby." She couldn't meet his eyes, though.
"CJ, it would make me feel much better if I knew what was bothering you," he said gently, still haunted by the look in her eyes. He was well aware, however, that he was crossing her unspoken boundaries.
"I'm just tired. Too much caffeine," she told him.
"In other words, you don't want to talk about it," he said.
"No, I don't," she replied, looking him straight in the eye.
"Fair enough." Despite the fear in her eyes, he wouldn't pry, and she well knew it. "You should call Andrea," he said softly.
"No. I shouldn't." He looked up startled.
"Why not? She was pretty upset, too. I imagine she'd like someone to talk to," he said.
"I know." CJ was making an attempt to look unperturbed, but her eyes were still hurt.
"What happened?" Toby asked, somewhat alarmed.
CJ sighed. "Andi told me she was going to tell you, and said that in order not to put me in the middle, she was, and I quote, 'ceding custody of our friendship' to you."
"Oh." he said. "I see."
"She said when everything calmed down, we'd get together, but right now, you need me more, and besides, I'm actually here with you," CJ said, twisting the bedspread. Toby watched her and felt like he understood part of her pain. CJ didn't really have many friends, he knew. Having one voluntarily leave her in order not to make her uncomfortable or hurt her was probably more difficult than being put in the middle. He sighed, and tried not to think about things for a moment, but was unsuccessful. CJ noticed and said gently, "Why don't you just lie down for awhile. I'll keep Sam and Josh out of here and come get you when we're ready to get on the bus."
"Yeah," he nodded gratefully. He found that he really wanted to be alone right then.
"Ok. I'll be back in awhile." She kissed his forehead lightly before heading for the door.
"CJ?" he said as she opened the door. She turned, looking at him quizzically. "Thanks."
"Always," she said softly, drawing the door shut and leaving Toby alone with his thoughts.
I see you run around in circles
I see you digging your own hole
I see you fight the fights
you just can't win
I see you losing self control
what it does to me
deep down inside
I hope you will never know
"Sunflowers", Everclear
Three States, MO: July 16, 1998
"Haven't these people ever heard of air conditioning?" Sam muttered under his breath, pulling his shirt away from his body.
"Well, Sam, look around. Somehow I don't think air conditioning is the topmost priority in their budget," Donna murmured back in the same manner. They'd all become extremely proficient at talking without moving their lips or attracting attention.
"Shh," Josh whispered. "Questions." Donna and Sam subsided next to him. The three of them, along with CJ were leaning against the back wall of a high school gymnasium in a tiny town in the middle of Nowhere, Missouri. Josh wasn't even sure anyone had told them the name of the town and the gym didn't actually give him any clues. They'd arrived in Three States, Missouri, which was a decent sized town, only to find that they were actually scheduled to be speaking in this place, which wasn't even on the map.
"Are we answering these?" Sam asked incredulously. Most of the questions didn't have a thing to do with national level politics, or a presidential campaign.
"Most of these people have never even met their rep to the state legislature, let alone their congressman. They might only be familiar with county level officials, which might not be so wonderful around here. The fact that a presidential candidate is here is both an honor and confusing," CJ answered tiredly. Josh glanced at her. She'd been even more nervous since they'd left St. Louis. He hadn't seen her eat or sleep in the past two days and it seemed to be catching up with her. Her eyes were closed and she was leaning against the wall as if it could hold her up.
They were silent for a moment, listening to the questions, which were slowly becoming more and more appropriate. Two people asked about the tax plan, one about education, and there was the obligatory abortion question. These questions mixed with questions about trash collection and traffic laws in a most bizarre fashion that seemed utterly natural to the audience participants and completely alien to the campaigners. Finally, one question caught everyone's attention. A rather burly middle aged man stood up and asked "Mr. Candidate, you know that women violence thing?" Josh blinked in surprised as Bartlet answered affirmatively. "Well, what right do y'all think they've got to tell us how to handle our women?"
"I'm sorry, I don't think I understand what you mean," Bartlet temporized. Josh closed his eyes and hoped this wouldn't torpedo them. Domestic violence could be a touchy issue in the Southern states, and one they wanted to avoid, because they were all adamantly opposed to it, especially considering the viewpoints of the rather outspoken women connected to the campaign.
"Well, sir, I'm sure you know that women sometimes just get uppity and need some discipline. They're sayin' we can't discipline our women," the man explained, leaving no doubt about what kind of discipline he was referring to. Josh and Sam automatically reached out to restrain the two of the wonderfully outspoken women standing next to them. Glancing over, Josh noticed that Donna looked indignant and only the fact that Sam had a death grip on her shoulder was keeping her from leaping in and arguing with the questioner. Josh looked back towards CJ, who wasn't straining against his hand on her shoulder, and found that she'd opened her eyes and gone somewhat ashen, but looked resigned and unsurprised.
Bartlet paused for a moment and after glancing to the corner where Leo stood, gave the same answer he'd given to the other irrelevant questions in a bland, noncommittal voice, "Sir, I can tell you have concerns about this issue, but it isn't really something a presidential candidate would address at this point. I suggest you contact your municipal government representative, Mr. Smithfeld, who is present tonight, and he can direct you to the correct person to address your concern." The man looked at Bartlet for a moment, then sat down, muttering under his breath.
Thankfully, the emcee decided that was a good ending point and the audience applauded politely. Sam kept Donna gently pinned against the wall as the crowd filed out of the gymnasium. Josh gave CJ another concerned look, but didn't have the chance to say anything, because Leo was waving him over.
"Tell CJ to skip the press conference for now, we'll give one later back in Three States," Leo directed him. "I don't want her talking to the press all riled up."
"She's not, though," Josh replied, biting his lip. "She's utterly calm about it. Donna, on the other hand is ready to go hunt the guy down."
"And I really don't blame her, but keep her quiet, ok?" Josh nodded. "Well, if CJ thinks she can keep her cool, then let her get it over with," Leo continued. Josh nodded again and made his way back to Sam and Donna to watch CJ's press conference. She fielded questions automatically, but with her usual grace.
"Damn, she's good," Sam muttered. Josh nodded in agreement. A cell phone rang, and every hand in the room reached for their pockets. Josh looked up after determining that it wasn't his. Leo was ducking out the door, talking rapidly. A moment later, Josh saw him poke his head back into the room and give CJ a high sign. Curious, he followed Leo back out of the gym.
"Our funding from Kansas City is falling through," Leo explained as he dialed a number.
"Why? I thought that was in the bag," Josh said.
"It was, and I don't know, but I do know that it's going to go sour in a hurry if we don't do some fast talking. I'm sending CJ out to talk to them," Leo said, frowning.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Josh asked. Leo waved him quiet so he could give Margaret a list of instructions, then looked at Josh as he hung up.
"She's the one who set it up, Josh. Besides, she can be very persuasive," Leo explained.
"She's also exhausted, Leo." Josh pointed out.
Leo sighed. "I know. But really, do you see another alternative?"
He shook his head after a moment. "Not really."
"Ok then," Leo said as the press filed past them. CJ, Sam and Donna appeared a moment later. "CJ, I need you to go to Kansas City," he said, catching their attention.
"Why?" she asked.
"Funding damage control," Leo told her. She sighed exasperated. "Yeah, I know. Margaret is going to have tickets and an itinerary for you."
"When do I leave?" she asked, focusing on the problem at hand.
"As soon as Margaret can get it together. Just take what you need, we'll take care of the rest of your stuff," Leo instructed her.
"Where am I going to catch up to you guys?" she asked.
"Manchester. We're headed home tomorrow night, so you'll just fly into someplace back East," he replied. She nodded, resignedly.
"I'll take you back to the hotel," Donna volunteered. Josh watched them leave.
"She'll be fine," Leo assured him.
"Do you think someone should go with her?" Sam asked.
"Sam, there's no one else to go. I need you to deal with the press on the way back, and Josh and Toby have to go down to DC the day after we get back. She'll be fine." Leo said.
"Does Toby know?" Josh asked. This afternoon was the first time Toby and CJ had been more than a room apart since St. Louis. Everyone knew that Andrea had told Toby that she was divorcing him, but since Toby hadn't said anything, they were all pretending nothing was going on, which wasn't difficult, since it didn't change how they'd been acting for months.
"Yeah, he's the one who suggested I send her. I wanted to handle it over the phone. If he thinks she'll be ok, then she probably will be," Leo said, as they walked out to the car. Josh nodded, reassured. Toby would know how to best handle CJ in this situation. They rode back to Three States quietly, each glad that this road trip was almost over.