if you have a moment to spare for me
if you need a friend that I will be
if you need some company then call me
if you wanna see a bad movie
if you still believe you can trust me
if you need a hand to hold
there, look down by your knee
no matter what you're going through
no matter what you did or said you'd do
no matter what it is, I will help you 'cause you would help me too
"Devotion", The Stereo
Manchester, NH: July 30, 1998
Josh could hear the argument taking place in the almost deserted campaign office and sighed. Somehow, he'd known that CJ and Toby would wind up arguing when Toby had insisted on picking her up from the airport. Toby was just in a more argumentative mood than usual, and the trip to DC hadn't helped. Josh suspected, however, that it was Toby's abortive trip to New York that had caused most of the problem. CJ, on the other hand, had a tendency to get cranky after dealing with airports and airplanes. Not a good combination, Josh thought. He debated attempting to stop it when Toby's end of the conversation stopped him dead in his tracks.
"CJ, I don't care...Listen, you can't do this...I'm only doing this because I care about you and want to help...Yes, I know I'm pushing...Ok, you know what, I don't think I'm the person who should do this tonight...I'm obviously not helping any...Look, Josh...Well, I'm giving you a choice...if you want to look at it as a threat, be my guest...it's the ER or him, CJ...Oh, I am dead serious, CJ...You do not want to test me on this tonight, I promise you won't like the outcome." Toby's voice trailed off, but Josh was alarmed. He was no less alarmed when Toby appeared at his door. "Josh?"
"Yeah?" he answered.
"CJ's...sick. I don't want to leave her alone, but I also know that if I try to take care of her tonight, we'll just fight because she'll get stubborn and I don't have the patience right now. I don't think she needs that right now, and I know I sure as hell don't need to fight with her. I told her I'd give her a choice- she could let you help her, or I could find a doctor. She's kinda phobic about medical personnel, so I figured she'd behave. Do you mind?" Toby finished, looking fairly tired himself.
"Not at all," Josh said, standing up. He followed Toby into the main office where CJ said. Josh bit back shock. She looked like she'd lost 10 pounds in the week and a half since he'd last seen her. Her face was the same color as her white shirt and her eyes were bloodshot and ringed with purple so dark it looked black. She shivered almost convulsively, and just stared blankly at the desk beside her. Toby gently touched her face as he bent down in front of her. "Let him take care of you, ok? I'll talk to you in the morning," he whispered. He straightened and nodded to Josh before leaving.
"Hey, CJ." Josh whispered, moving slowly as if she were a wounded animal. "Let's get you home, ok?" He held out his hand and was surprised when she took it.
The drive to the hotel was short, but CJ's unresponsiveness worried Josh. As he helped her up the stairs, he said, "Donna's in DC with Margaret. Leo needed Margaret to take care of some things, and I told Donna she could go along to help, so she could get some time to do some of that sightseeing stuff. She's only been there the couple of times we've been down. They'll be back tomorrow night, so you've got the room to yourself." She didn't respond. After fumbling with the door, he finally settled her in a chair and dug around in the dresser for a moment. He found some clean pajamas and asked, "Are these yours?" She nodded mutely. Josh thought about it for a moment and decided that although a shower would probably help CJ, he didn't think she could manage to take one. "Ok, why don't I just go into the bathroom here for a moment and let you get changed?" he suggested. She still didn't say anything, but began unbuttoning her shirt.
"Josh?" she called after a moment. He emerged from the bathroom and found her sitting on the edge of the bed, her hands spasmodically clenching the bedspread.
"Oh, oh, Claudia Jean, what have you done to yourself?" he whispered.
As if that whisper was a catalyst to whatever chemical reaction was brewing in her mind, CJ surged to her feet, swaying slightly. "I...I can't stay here," she whispered. "It was stupid to think...I need to go now."
"Go where?" he asked incredulously. "CJ, I don't think you could even walk down the hall right now. Where are you going to go?"
"I don't, I don't know. But I have to leave. I was stupid and I have to go now," she said in as firm of a voice as she could manage.
"What are you talking about?" Josh was now confused. Leo had told him that everything in Kansas City had gone superbly well. He couldn't see any reason for CJ to say she'd been stupid.
"I need to go. I'm sorry. I need to talk to Leo. Find someone to hire..." she trailed off as her knees buckled. Josh caught her and eased her down on the bed.
"CJ, the only place you're going right now is a hospital. And I am seriously considering taking you, ok? You look awful," he said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed next to her.
"No. No hospitals." she said. Even in her exhaustion, she was adamant on that point.
"Okay," he said slowly. "Will you let me call Mrs. Bartlet, then?"
"Why?" she asked.
"Because I don't know what to do. Because I think someone with a better working knowledge of heath care should make a decision on whether you need medical attention. Because I don't want you to be, like, dying on me, here." Josh said in as calm of a voice as he could manage.
"I'm not dying," she said.
"Well, sweet-tart, I seriously hope not, but if I looked like you do, I imagine you would be pushing for me to be talking to a doctor. So, here's what I think we should do. I should call Dr. Bartlet, talk to her, and see what she says. If she thinks you'll be fine until morning, then we won't do anything now, we'll just talk some maybe. If she thinks we need to do something about this now, we'll take care of it. Do you think you can handle that?" he asked. She didn't respond for a moment, but then nodded. "All right then. You just lay back and let me take care of everything, ok?"
She rolled over so that her back was to him. He took her silence as acquiescence, and pulled out his cell phone and hit the autodial for the Bartlet's house. Someone picked up after the second ring. "Hello?"
Josh placed the voice after a second and said, "Hi, Eleanor?"
"Yeah, who's this?" Ellie Bartlet asked.
"Ellie, this is Josh Lyman," he started, but she interrupted him.
"Oh. Hi. My dad's gone to bed already, but he's probably still awake if you need to talk to him."
"No, actually I wanted to talk to your mom for a minute," Josh explained.
"Ah. I'm not sure if she's home yet. She went to go see Liz today, hang on." Josh could hear her Zoey in the background. "Zo, is Mom home yet? Well, go tell her that Josh is on the phone for her. No, I don't know what he wants, just go. Please?" Ellie returned to the phone with a sigh, "Sisters," she muttered under her breath. "Josh, Mom's home, she'll be here in a sec."
Josh listened to Zoey and Ellie argue again, this time about their older sister. A minute later, he heard Abbey Bartlet's voice say, "Sweetie? I've got the phone, you can hang up now."
"Oh. Right," Ellie said as she hung up the phone.
"Leo?" Abbey asked.
"No, ma'am, it's Josh," he explained.
"Ah. That got lost in translation. Zoey must have thought you were looking for Leo. What can I do for you, Josh? Jed's probably not asleep yet if you need to talk to him, but Leo left over an hour ago, hon," she said.
"Actually, I need to talk to you," Josh told her. "CJ's not feeling well, and I, well, I'm kind of worried."
"Mmm, what's wrong?" Abbey asked.
"I don't know, and she won't tell me anything. She's terribly pale, shivering, and I think she's getting dizzy, but I don't know for sure," he said.
Abbey was quiet for a moment. "Were you guys drinking?"
"No, no, she just got back to Manchester about an hour ago. She was like this when Toby picked her up from the airport," he replied.
"Ok. Ask her if she feels sick to her stomach," she said.
"CJ?" he asked, gently rolling her back towards him. She didn't look any better. "Do you feel nauseous at all?" She shook her head. "No, ma'am, she doesn't."
"All right. Do you know how to take someone's pulse?" Abbey asked.
"Um, I think so, but I don't have a second hand on my watch." Josh said after a second.
"That's ok, I do. See if you can find the pulse in her wrist. If you can't, try for the one in her neck. The wrist pulse is usually right below the palm of the hand, ok?" Josh gently lifted CJ's hand and turned it over. "Don't use your thumb, just the first two fingers, ok?"
"Ok. I think I found it." Josh said.
"Good. Now, when I tell you to go, start counting the beats. Keep counting until I tell you to stop. It's going to be quick, so pay attention, all right? Let me know when you're ready," Abbey instructed.
He paused for a moment to make sure he had her pulse. It felt really fast, but he didn't say anything. "Ok, got it."
"Go." Josh counted silently. "Stop." Abbey said, a very short time later. "How many?"
"Um, 15," he said. "I think. It might have been 16."
"That's fine, Josh." Abbey was quiet for a moment. "Josh, is her skin sort of clammy?"
"It feels kind of cold, yeah." Josh replied, gently brushing CJ's hair away from her face.
"See if she'll tell you when she ate last." Abby said.
"Hey, when's the last time you had anything to eat?" he asked CJ.
CJ didn't answer for a moment, then whispered, "I don't know."
"She doesn't know, ma'am," he said into the phone.
"Ah. Ok. Here's what we're going to do. Is there a fridge in her room?" Abby asked.
Josh looked around, quickly. "Yeah."
"Go see if she's got any juice in there. Orange juice preferably, but anything will do, really," Abbey ordered. Josh looked in the fridge and found half a bottle of orange juice.
"Got it." he said.
"Great. See if you can get her to drink it. Go slowly, though. I am going to get some stuff and come over there. What room number is it?" Abbey said.
"Room 210." he told her.
"Ok. Give me 15 minutes. Don't force her to drink the juice, just give it a try," Abbey said.
"Um. All right. Is she going to be ok?" he asked.
"Probably. Let me get there, ok, Josh?" Abbey said.
"Ok." he said quietly.
"Be there in a little bit," Abbey said, as she hung up. Josh nodded and turned back towards CJ.
"Think you can drink some of this?" he asked softly.
"Don't want to," she whispered.
"Please?" he asked. She sighed and let him help her sit up. She drank part of it, but made a face. "What?"
"Don't like the pulpy kind," she said.
"Well, maybe that's enough for right now, and we can find you some different juice in awhile. Mrs. Bartlet is coming over, she should be here in a few minutes." Josh said, calmly taking the juice and putting it on the nightstand. She laid back, and he gently brushed her hair away from her face. They stayed quiet until a knock on the door made Josh jump.
"How's she doing?" Abbey asked.
"I don't know. She drank some of the juice, but she didn't want to." Josh said, leading her through the suite to CJ's room.
"Hey CJ. How're you feeling?" Abbey asked, sitting down on the bed.
"All right," she whispered.
"Mmm, you don't look so all right. Does your head hurt?" Abbey started digging through her bag for something.
"Yeah." CJ admitted.
"And you don't remember when you ate last, except for the orange juice just now?" Abbey confirmed. CJ nodded hesitantly. "Ok, sweetie. I want to check something, but I need to prick your finger to do it. It won't hurt much, but it's going to pinch a little, sting a bit, and hurt just a little bit. I don't lie about pain, ok? It will hurt for just a little while, but it'll hurt less than a paper cut, ok?" CJ looked very wary, but nodded again. "How's this, Josh, why don't you grab her other hand, and it'll be over in just a second, ok?" Josh came around the side of the bed, and took her other hand in his. It was cold, so he rubbed it gently to warm it up. "Ok, CJ, here comes the pinprick," Abbey warned her as she snapped a button on a little machine. CJ barely flinched. "Not so bad, huh?" Abbey said as she squeezed a drop of blood onto a plastic strip and pressed a cotton ball to CJ's finger. Josh squeezed her hand gently, and smiled.
Abbey's machine beeped after a minute and Abbey pursed her lips. "Right. Ok, then. " She looked up at Josh, and said calmly, "Do you think you could find CJ's shoes and a jacket?" Josh nodded and got up to do so. "CJ, honey, we need to take you to the emergency room. Your blood sugar is dangerously low and you need an IV to get it back up. That's why you feel so awful, because you haven't eaten. Now, I'm going to call them and see how busy it is, and who's around there tonight, ok?"
"No hospitals," CJ said.
"I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice. Believe me, if we did, I would do something else. Josh and I will stay with you, we won't leave you alone, ok?" she said.
CJ looked mutinous, but she let Josh help her put her shoes on and her jacket while Abbey called the hospital. "It'll be ok, Claudia Jean. Just let us take care of you, ok?" Josh said softly.
"Ok, good news, they aren't at all busy," Abbey said as she helped Josh get CJ upright. "We'll have you feeling better in no time," she added as they left the room.
Don't tell me 'cause you know I know it hurts
Don't tell me 'cause you know It's gotten worse
Don't tell me 'cause you think I don't know shit about the way you feel
Tell me 'cause I don't want you to hurt
"Vintage Queen," Goldfinger
CJ was getting restless. Josh sighed as he glanced around for the hundredth time to find something to distract her with. They'd been there for over an hour, but the first IV bag was only half empty. The official diagnosis was hypoglycemia and dehydration, and she was now on a saline and glucose drip that promised to last for another hour. Then, if her blood sugar wasn't at a more acceptable level, she'd get another one of those. Even if it was, they had told Josh they might give her a plain saline drip, just for rehydration purposes. CJ had gotten quite a lecture both from Mrs. Bartlet and the ER attending. Josh had been impressed when she hadn't broken down crying, since he had a feeling that he would have in her place. Unlike every other emergency room Josh had ever been in, this one was almost dead quiet. There wasn't anything to read, other than warning signs and CJ's chart, which wasn't exactly interesting. Josh was about to tell her to quit squirming when Mrs. Bartlet and another young woman entered the room.
"CJ, how are you feeling," Mrs. Bartlet asked.
"Better, I guess." CJ continued to maintain she hadn't been feeling all that bad. Josh was letting her maintain that fiction, since he didn't feel like arguing with her. He had, however, made her promise that they would have a long talk in the very near future. They had compromised, saying that she could have until the first IV bag to keep quiet, but after that, any question was fair game. She was definitely much more lucid than she had been when they'd arrived.
"Good, I'm glad," Mrs. Bartlet said. "I might have found something for you to do. This is Katherine Decker. She's an intern, and she's just started her ER rotation. I thought, that if you felt up to it, you might be willing to let her practice taking a medical history. If you don't want to, it's fine, but it might distract you a bit."
CJ mulled it over a minute. "I guess so. But you and Josh stay."
"I told you I wasn't going anywhere," Josh reassured her.
"We can stay, that's fine. If at any point, you want to kick either of us out, feel free. There's some questions involved that you might not want an audience for," Mrs. Bartlet warned her.
CJ must have known what she meant, because she said, "Talking about that kind of stuff doesn't bother me." Josh picked up on what they were talking about, but kept quiet. Mandy had been one of those women who enjoyed giving information overdoses about "female issues" in order to embarrass her boyfriend. He'd gotten used to it.
"Ok, then. Katie, why don't you get started? I'm just going to sit down over here, but I'm not going to interfere, ok?" Mrs. Bartlet said, taking a seat.
"Yes, ma'am. Hi, I'm Dr. Decker," she said, offering CJ her hand. CJ shook it, smiling slightly. "Let's just get started, ok?" She asked CJ several general information questions. Josh was surprised to learn that CJ was only 32. He'd figured out that she was probably a little younger than he was, but he hadn't realized that she and Sam were the same age. Actually, she was younger, by about 6 weeks. And here we've been thinking of Sam as the baby, he thought. She acted older, though. Sometimes, she seemed older than Leo, even.
The first hesitation in CJ's answers came when Dr. Decker asked about an emergency contact person. "I don't have one."
"There's no one that could be called in an emergency?" Dr. Decker obviously didn't believe her. CJ didn't answer, but Josh could tell she was frustrated.
"Josh Lyman, same address, same phone number," he said quickly, to defuse the situation. CJ had given the campaign office as her address and phone number, since she didn't have an address in Manchester.
"And what is your relationship to Mr. Lyman?" Decker asked.
"He's a friend," CJ said softly, glancing over at him.
"There's no family to contact?" Decker asked again.
"I don't know my dad's number," CJ admitted. "He just moved, and I don't remember it."
At this point, Abbey spoke up and told the intern to just keep going, it wasn't all that important. The questions and answers continued smoothly until Dr. Decker reached the questions about family history. "I don't know any of that," CJ said calmly.
"Are you adopted?" Dr. Decker asked.
"No. I just don't know anything about my family medical history," CJ replied.
"Well, are your parents still alive?" the intern persisted.
CJ sounded irritated as she answered, "As far as I know they're both alive." It was a strange way to answer the question, Josh noticed, but didn't comment.
"How old are they?" Dr. Decker asked.
She sighed. "My dad is 67. I don't know how old my mom is."
"Does your dad have any health problems?" she asked.
"I don't know," CJ said in what Josh recognized as being a very controlled voice.
"What about your mother?" she asked.
"I don't know," CJ replied in the same tone of voice.
"Grandparents?" Dr. Decker asked, as though she didn't expect any more of an answer.
"Never met them," CJ replied.
"Do you know old they were when they died?" was the next question.
"No," was the short answer. Abbey once again spoke up to move things along and avoid an outburst from CJ, who definitely seemed to be getting some of her spark back. Which was a good thing, as far as Josh was concerned, but he could see how it wasn't helpful in this situation.
Josh could tell they had reached the potentially embarrassing part of the questioning from the glance the young doctor sent his way. "CJ, do you want me to go?" he asked.
She looked surprised but shook her head. "You said you wouldn't."
"I know. I won't go unless you want me to," he replied, nodding.
"I don't want you to," she said simply. "Unless," she said, looking at him, "Unless you'd rather not be here."
"I don't have a problem with it. I just don't want you to be uncomfortable," he told her.
"No. I'm ok," she said.
"Ok, then," he said, squeezing her shoulder.
"All right, then," Dr. Decker said. She was clearly uncomfortable with Josh being in the room, but he really didn't care about that. "Can you tell me when the date of your last period was?"
"I don't know," CJ said easily.
"Sometime in the last month?" she asked CJ.
"No. Longer ago than that," CJ said, with that peculiar look that Josh knew meant she was attempting to remember something. "Maybe May."
"Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" It was definitely a reasonable question.
"Nope," CJ shook her head.
"You're sure?" Dr. Decker asked.
"Positive." CJ replied.
"Are you on birth control pills?" the intern persisted.
CJ shook her head. "Not now, no."
"I see," Decker said.
CJ rolled her eyes. "I have not had intercourse in over a year, ok? That's how I can be so sure." Josh recognized that tone of voice too. It was the tone she got when she knew someone didn't believe her and she had to give some ridiculous amount of information in order to convince them.
Decker just nodded. "Have you ever been pregnant?"
CJ didn't answer right away, but looked down at her hand a moment before nodding. "Yeah." Josh and Mrs. Bartlet both blinked in surprise, but neither said anything.
"Did you carry the baby to term?" Dr. Decker asked, hesitantly.
"No," CJ said very quietly. "I miscarried when I was about 15 weeks along."
"Ok." The skepticism in the intern's voice was palpable.
"I did," CJ insisted, looking up. "I did not have an abortion," she said very clearly.
Decker nodded, but she didn't look convinced. Josh squeezed her shoulder again and said very softly, "I believe you, it's all right." CJ didn't respond, but looked back down at her hands.
Dr. Decker wrapped up the rest of the questions quickly, obviously unnerved by the vehemence and difficulty of CJ's answers. Dr. Bartlet left with her, leaving CJ and Josh alone in the room.
"I was 19," CJ said. "I know you're wondering."
"Yeah, a little," he admitted.
She closed her eyes and started in an emotionless voice. "I was a junior at UC Berkeley. He was a junior too, but he was 21. I was younger than everyone because I only went to high school for three years. It wasn't a one-night stand or anything- we'd been together for almost two years, since just after Thanksgiving freshman year, but I'd known him since the first day of school. I just started getting sick all the time, but I thought it was stress, since that year was simply awful. My roommate finally convinced me to go to the doctor after about a month. Turned out I was almost 10 weeks pregnant. I told Jamie that night, and he was in shock. Didn't call me for a week. When he finally did call me, he asked me what I wanted to do. Well, being the way I am, I'd been compulsively researching everything. I knew where three different abortion clinics were, which one was supposed to be the best, which one would do it for me anyway, even though I didn't have any money or any insurance. I knew about five different adoption agencies. I knew what all of my options were, and I also knew that I didn't have much time to decide. Second Trimester abortions are much more complicated, both in terms of the actual procedure and the aftermath. I wasn't sure what I wanted, so I asked him what he thought. It was his baby, after all. He said he really didn't like the idea of me having an abortion, but he would be ok with whatever I chose. Grace, my roommate, apparently had lectured him about pressuring me about keeping the baby. I found out later that what he had really wanted to do was for me to have the baby and then for us to get married after we graduated. I told him I had already decided that if I had the baby, I was giving it up for adoption. I...didn't think I'd make much of a mother. He said, ok. Whatever you want, CJ. We went back and forth on this for much too long. Three weeks later, I finally got fed up with it and just went ahead and made the appointment for an abortion. Because it was a second trimester abortion, I had to wait two weeks until they could set up a surgery date. I told Jamie, and he cried. I'd never seen a guy cry before. He didn't try to stop me, since he really did think I had the right to make whatever choice I wanted, but he said he wouldn't go with me. He would pick me up when it was over, and take care of me then, but he wouldn't go with me. It turned out to be unnecessary. I miscarried three days before the appointment. I thought I'd be relieved, but I wasn't. I honestly think I would have gotten to the clinic, they would have done the mandatory counseling, or preaching, if you will, and I would have told them I changed my mind."
She fell silent as a nurse came in to run another blood sugar test. The results were much better than before, but still not all that great. Josh didn't say anything until the nurse had come back and changed the IV bag. "What happened then?"
"Oh, I don't know. I honestly don't," she sighed. "Jamie was upset because I miscarried. Not at me, it wasn't my fault. The doctor said this sort of thing happens and no one really knows why. I apparently had a couple of risk factors that could have increased the chances of me miscarrying at that point, but no one had ever told me that. It had something to do with the fact that I was something of a late bloomer, for various reasons. I told Jamie it was better this way. I felt like it somehow had taken the decision out of my hands. He was none too comforted by that idea, and told me I was going to have an abortion anyway, so what did it matter. I'd gotten what I wanted. The relationship never recovered from that fight, but we didn't actually break up for another month." CJ stared at the ceiling. "I didn't love him as much as he loved me. That's what it boiled down to."
Josh didn't reply, but gently took her hand in his and squeezed it. She looked over at him for a long moment, her expression unreadable. "Go ahead and ask the question, Josh," she said finally.
He bit his lip, unsure if he wanted to cause her more pain tonight. But he figured that maybe it would be best to get it over with as quickly as possible, like pulling off a band-aid. "What's bothering you CJ? Why did you do this to yourself?"
She closed her eyes again. "That's the $64,000 question, isn't it?" she whispered. Opening her eyes, she regarded him tiredly. "Are you sure you aren't asking questions you don't want answers to?"
"I'm sure. I want to know," he replied firmly.
"Why? Why does it matter? Why do you care?" she asked.
Josh was dimly aware that her reticence was a test of some sort. Toby had warned him, obliquely, about this. He stood up, and sat back down on the edge of her bed, still holding her hand. "Nothing you could tell me could make me let go of you right now. You're slipping away from us, and I'm not letting that happen. I need you too much. We need you too much. I don't think I could find anyone else who could take one look at Donna and immediately realize that she needed a place to stay and someone to lean on. I don't think I could find someone who could always make Zoey feel like she's helping somehow. I don't think I could find someone else with the talent to deal with the press with a smile and the ability to tell them a story they'll believe without sacrificing respect. I don't know where to find someone who could choose the exact right moment to walk into Sam's room just as he was deciding to grab his wallet and just go. He told me later he was about to go rent a car and that he wasn't entirely sure if he was going to drive it off the nearest cliff or just to New York to try and reason with Lisa. I don't know where to find someone brave enough to defuse an impending argument between Ellie and her father. I don't know where to find someone with the patience to walk the governor through the interminable press conference preparations and still manage to laugh. I don't know where I'd find someone that Leo could depend on to do what they need to do without griping at him constantly. I don't know anyone who can handle Toby in the way you do. And I certainly don't know where I'd find someone who'd pick me up from an airport in California, then sit and hold my hand in the car for half an hour while I babbled about a funeral for someone you had no connections to. You've become the glue that is holding this campaign together, whether you realize that or not. But even glue gets dried up sometimes, and loses its stickiness. That's where I come in. I'm here to make you sticky again, so you can hold yourself together again, even if I can't make you sticky enough to hold the rest of us. So, forget the fact that I need you. Forget that we need you. Just tell me why you're hurting, just because I don't want you to be hurting. I won't let go of you. You could tell me the worst thing in the world, and I won't let go of you," he finished, looking her right in the eye.
"Christ Jesus, are you trying to make me cry, or is that just a nice side effect," she whispered. She swiped at her eyes with her other hand, then sighed. "I guess I should tell you anyhow. So you understand why I won't take the job."
Josh frowned, confused. "CJ, we've already hired you. I don't understand."
"Not this job. Leo told me last week that I'd be taken care of, win or lose. I think he feels bad about dumping all this work on me," her voice was tight now, tight with fear and tears.
Josh nodded, enlightened. It was, after all, how these things worked. Those who do good are rewarded, and Josh knew Leo adhered to that axiom religiously. CJ would definitely be taken care of, especially if they won the White House. Even if they lost, Leo's influence could possibly be good enough for her to write her own ticket afterwards. "CJ, why wouldn't we want to hire you? You're awesome. I don't believe no one's snatched you up before. You might well be one of the best-kept secrets in politics. All you've ever done is work for EMILY'S list, and you weren't exactly high profile there."
"It's been tried. I wouldn't take ever take it," she sighed. "I couldn't cause a problem, you see."
"What do you mean?" he asked. What she had told him about her miscarriage wouldn't cause a scandal, since it's unlikely anyone would find out about it, and even if they did, she hadn't had an abortion. She had an appointment at a clinic, but that wasn't enough evidence of anything that couldn't be easily spinned.
She closed her eyes a second, then looked at him "Where am I from, Josh?" she asked softly.
"California?" he asked, knowing it was the wrong answer.
"Missouri. I grew up in Southern Missouri," she said, shaking her head. "You know how you guys teased me when we were in Georgia, saying I'd been hanging around with Mrs. Bartlet too long and picked up her accent? I didn't, that's my accent."
Josh blinked. "Three States," he said, suddenly realizing how CJ had been able to rattle information about that area off the top of her head.
She looked down at their entangled hands and nodded. "That gym. I ate lunch in that gym everyday for almost a year. That was the high school where I spent 9th grade, although that's not the town I lived in. I never thought I'd see it again. I'd hoped I'd never see it again."
"Why?" he asked, softly.
He could see her bite her lip. "Well, see, my mom kicked me out, so I left."
"Where did you go?" he asked.
"California. Barstow, actually. My dad lived there," she replied, softly.
"Why did your mom kick you out?" Josh asked when it became apparent that she needed to be asked the questions.
"She...she blamed me...for...well, it's kinda complicated," she trailed off uncertainly.
"Ok, well, then why don't you begin at the beginning, sweet-tart," he said gently.
"The beginning, right," she sighed. "My mom...well, she had something of a reputation, if you take my meaning. Dad had told her that he would divorce her unless she promised to keep off the pills and quit sleeping around on him. She broke both promises, so he kept his. They got divorced when I was about 3, I think. He left town, and she told us, my brother and I, that he never sent her any child support or anything. She would...well, she'd throw that in our faces when things got bad. At any rate, things were pretty bad for a couple of years, since she had trouble holding down a job. My oldest brother, Mark, was 12 years older than me, so he would work after school and we lived off of his paycheck more often than not. Mark was the one who would give Steven, my other brother, his lunch money, or buy me some crayons at the store. He put me to bed every night, I remember that." She was quiet for a moment, but then sighed. "My mom, somehow, got a job at a truck stop in the next town over. She met this...guy. His name was Art, and well, Art made life interesting, so to speak."
She seemed reluctant to continue, but Josh was starting to make connections. "Interesting as in abuse?"
"Yeah," she answered shortly. "I didn't know about it, at first. I was barely 5 when she met him, and he didn't move in with us until I was about 6. I think Mark tried to keep him away from us, but when I was 6, Mark wound up going off to Vietnam, so he wasn't around to protect us. I remember that night. He didn't tell me he was leaving, but when he tucked me in, he asked me if I remembered the three rules. They were practically the first things I learned. Rule 1 was keep your mouth shut and your eyes open, so you aren't Mom's next target. Rule 2 was listen to the priest and do what you're told, and Rule 3 was behave yourself so you don't bring more trouble than we already had. In retrospect, Mark's rules probably weren't a good idea, but at the time, it's all the protection we had from small town cruelty. We were different enough, we didn't need more trouble. I told him I remembered the rules, and he told me it was going to be very important that I followed them. I was sleepy, so I didn't ask why. He kissed me goodnight and when I woke up the next morning, he was gone. Art moved in not so long after that and I got a quick education in obeying the rules when I saw him give Steven a whipping. At that point, Steven was 14. My mom and Art fought constantly, and I heard him tell her more than once that she was getting uppity and needed some discipline." Josh swallowed hard as she told him that. "Anyway, I was good at following the rules. I didn't attract too much attention until the summer I turned 9. I don't remember what I said or what I did, but I do remember the emergency room, and the nurse who asked about 50 questions about how I broke my collarbone. I answered them all the same way: I fell. It was what my mother told me to say. Behave yourself, so you don't bring any more trouble, right?" She stopped talking.
"CJ? Did he break your collarbone?" Josh asked softly. She nodded, but didn't say anything. He squeezed her hand, and was somewhat surprised when she squeezed back like she was holding on for dear life. Josh gently moved her so that he was leaning against the back of the bed and holding her in a light embrace. "Did anything happen to him?"
"Yeah. The nurse didn't believe me, and she called children's services. I didn't go home, they took me to the foster care intake instead. They went and got Steven, too, but we didn't get placed together. That's when the weird stuff happened. There was a court hearing, obviously. I have no idea what happened, since they decided I was too young to testify or to even be in the room, and I can't find out because the records were sealed. All I know is that somehow the court thought Art was my father, so they didn't charge him with assault or anything. They changed my last name, or maybe my mom just told them we had his last name, but they left Steven and I in foster care until Mom either left Art or he "reformed", whatever that meant. That didn't happen. Steven turned 18 in foster care, got his emancipation and took off. I haven't seen him since I was 10, and that was only a very brief visit that they allowed my mom. She spent the whole visit yelling at me, that's all I remember. Somehow or another, Art left shortly after Steven took off. The system being what it was, they forgot about me for another 18 months or so. I didn't go back to my mom until I was 12, which was when Mark got home." She paused for a moment. "Living at home, as bad as it had been, was definitely preferable to foster care. There were two good things about those three years: I never went to bed hungry and for the first 2 years, I lived in a house that was down the street from the public library. Unfortunately, I was much younger than the rest of the kids living there- they were all teenagers, and most of them had emotional disorders. I was overlooked a lot, which was fine, but when they remembered I was there, well, let's just say my mom could have taken lessons in cruelty from some of them. My foster parents were so busy keeping up with them that I slipped through the cracks a lot. I spent a lot of time reading in the library or anywhere else I could hide."
That didn't surprise Josh. Most of the people he knew in politics, especially on this campaign, seemed to have spent large portions of their childhood with their noses in books. He certainly had been no exception. "So, did you start with The Jungle Book and Huck Finn and move on to the harder stuff?" he asked, just to try and insert a little levity into things. The complete matter of fact, detached tone of voice she had was a little disconcerting, especially considering the subject matter.
CJ actually laughed a little at that. "Harriet the Spy, actually. The first chapter book I read. I was 6, I think. But I did read both of those, along with just about every other book in the children's section by the time I was 10. By then, I moved on to "the harder stuff". I think I started with Steinbeck, because not all of them were very long."
"Wait a minute. You read Steinbeck when you were 10?" he asked incredulously.
She nodded. "Read Cannery Row and Tortilla Flats, then. I didn't understand all of it, but I read them. The librarian caught me and steered me towards Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre because she thought they were probably safer for a 10 year old to be reading. I read those, and then got into Virginia Woofe and by the time I was 12, I had moved on to Shakespeare, Hemingway, Emerson's Self Reliance, and Thoreau's Civil Disobedience."
"Good God," Josh said, flabbergasted. "Did you understand them?"
"Mmm, mostly. I got Thoreau much better when I was in college, but I think I picked up the basic idea then. Shakespeare was easy. You just had to pay attention and use your imagination. I liked Hemingway, but I didn't get all the subtext until I was much older," she replied, oblivious to the unusual nature of her reading material.
"That's really impressive, CJ. I mean, honestly," Josh said. "I don't think anyone else around here was reading Steinbeck at 10."
"They were short. Most of the adult books were just too heavy to read and the print was too small. But I got used to small print and I got to be a fairly fast reader," she explained. "Like I said, it was the only good part about foster care."
Josh was quiet for a moment. "What happened when you went back home?"
She sighed. "Well, when Mark got home and found out what had been going on, he convinced Social Services to let me come home. Which on one hand was good, but Mark...well, he wasn't very together anymore. He'd been in Vietnam, and then a bunch of other places doing stuff that he couldn't talk about. I don't know if he was not allowed to talk about it or if he just couldn't talk about it. He would flip out sometimes. You know, a lot of what they say about Vietnam veterans is true, at least it was for Mark. He just couldn't get his life back together. He, uh, he..." she trailed off a moment. "About 18 months after he came home, not too long before I turned 14, he committed suicide. I came home one afternoon and there were police everywhere. He, um, had been high on something, and they weren't sure if he just had a bad trip or if he was really suicidal, but it was bad." She was silent a moment, and Josh just hugged her closer. "Things really went downhill from there. My mom and I did not get along. I don't think we ever did. She thought I had ruined her life, pretty much from the time I was born, but especially after the whole Social Services thing. I started high school, and hated it. I was ahead of everyone, because the school I had been going to was better than the ones at home. I had read everything they assigned, and I would just get so annoyed with the classes and the teachers that I started to get a reputation as a smart-mouth. I didn't mean anything by it, but I'd read most of the stuff before, and the other kids just didn't get most of it. The teachers didn't know what to do with me, other than not call on me, but I got straight As without any effort and it was obvious that I was bored out of my mind. Then, they'd try to talk to my mom about it, and they'd figure out that my mom had no interest in my schoolwork whatsoever. One or two of the teachers tried to work with me, but what with dealing with less than attentive adults my whole life and dealing with Mark, I just didn't trust anyone. I was also a very angry kid, but most people didn't realize that. Eventually, my mom and I just had the absolute worst fight. I don't even know exactly why we were fighting, it probably had something to do with something someone said, but it was summer and it was very hot. At one point, I just got sick of yelling and said I was leaving. I meant I was just going to walk up to town and see if there was anything new and interesting in the drug store, but she said if I walked out of the house, I'd best not come back. I tried to explain, which led to more and more fighting, until finally she told me she was going into town and that I better not be here when she got back. I asked her where exactly she wanted me to go, and she said she did not care, so long as I never showed my face around there again. I know it sounds like she was just frustrated, but she was dead serious. She walked out and I just sat there and thought for a while. My dad had come to Mark's funeral- God only knows how he found out about it- and although I hadn't talked to him, I did remember him giving the priest his address in California, just in case I wanted it later. So, with nothing better in mind, I decided to just go out to California. I figured I'd get there, find my dad, and let my mom cool off, and be back again in the fall for school. I was, however, smart enough to go find the money I knew Mark had stashed away in his closet, along with his Army knapsack. So, off I went to California. All I had when I got there, two weeks later, were two sundresses, some other clothes, a couple of books, some photographs and 5 dollars."
"How old were you?" Josh asked.
"15. It was August, 1981 when I arrived in my dad's apartment in Barstow. He had no idea I was coming, but he really didn't mind. It was rocky at first, but we eventually got along ok. I finished high school two years later and got accepted to UC Berkeley and well, that was that," she finished.
Josh didn't know what to say. Finally, he asked, "Do you ever talk to your mom?"
"I have not seen, talked to, or heard anything from my mother since I was 15. I write her, about 6 times a year, but she always returns the letters marked return to sender. She doesn't want anything to do with me, apparently." CJ shrugged a little. "My dad and I aren't super close, but I talk to him at least once a month, and I visited a couple times a year, mostly."
Josh nodded. "Ok."
"I didn't tell you all this so you'd see me differently, Josh. I don't...the only other person who's ever known the whole story, other than my dad, was Grace. She died about 3 years ago in a car accident. I just...I know that it just doesn't look good, you know? Bad family relationships don't play well with family values people. Tell who you think needs to know. If you think I should leave the campaign, I will. I won't let me be the cause of us losing, I've always believed that. That's why I didn't work national in 94, and it's why I never took a job I was offered after a campaign. I was always prepared to leave if people started poking around. My background information is incredibly sketchy- most of it is under Art's last name from the time I was 8 until I turned 16 and my dad somehow got my name changed again. I don't know what's in the sealed court records. I have no idea how it could be damaging. I don't know what happened in my parent's divorce proceedings, some of those records are sealed, too. I don't know anything about my mother, either. If people start prying, it could be a bad deal, and I won't be a party to that, I'll leave first." She was staring at her hands again, he could tell. He squeezed her again, gently, but didn't say anything. "Don't tell me what you think now," she said softly, sounding very vulnerable. "Think about it and let me know later, ok?"
Josh didn't get a chance to reply, because Abbey came into the room just then to tell them that CJ was being released. None of them said much during the ride back to the hotel. CJ was incredibly sleepy, since she hadn't slept in several days. It was about 1 am by the time Josh and Abbey got her back up to her room and tucked into bed. Josh watched her drift off to sleep from the doorway of her bedroom before he turned out the lights and shut the door.
"Thank you, Mrs. Bartlet," he said softly as he walked down to the lobby with her.
"No problem, Josh. It's part of what I'm here for. I'll call Leo and tell him to go easy on CJ tomorrow. I'm sure she's going to be stubborn and go to work tomorrow," Abbey said, with a smile.
"No doubt," Josh said, smiling tiredly.
"Did you two have a talk?" Abbey asked.
"Yeah, but I really can't," he trailed off as she interrupted him,
"That's fine, I understand. I just thought she seemed like she had a story that needed to be told."
Josh nodded. "Oh, yes."
"Well, I'm glad she told you then. You get some sleep yourself, Josh." Abbey reached out and squeezed his arm.
"Yes, ma'am." he said, nodding. "Good night."
"Good night to you too, Josh. And call me Abbey, for crying out loud," she grinned at him and left him to stand in the lobby for a long moment before going to his own room.
let's just leave this place
and go to summerland
just a name on the map
sounds like heaven to me forget about all the memories
that keep you down
forget about them
we could lose them in the
sparkle and fade
we could leave them behind
in the sparkle and fade
"Summerland", Everclear.
Josh heard giggling down in the kitchen of the campaign headquarters. Investigating, he found CJ patiently showing Annie how to dye hardboiled eggs more than one color. Zoey was also working on an egg, and offering her niece additional advice.
"Well, this looks like fun," Josh said with a smile.
"Hey, Josh, You want to do one?" Zoey asked.
"No thanks, shorty, but I'll sit and watch a moment," he came around the counter to sit next to Zoey. CJ managed a small embarrassed smile. He hadn't seen her since he'd put her to bed the night before. He smiled back and looked idly at the finished eggs. CJ and Annie went to find some paper towels and put the used spoons in the sink as Josh leaned over and asked Zoey, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Easter long over?"
"Well, yeah, but Annie was bored. I'm supposed to be watching her, and Mom was making eggs for the potato salad. I found an extra dye kit while looking for a pot for her, so Mom said we could dye some extra eggs if we could find an adult to help me with Annie. Leo over heard us, and told me to tell CJ that Mom said she should help us. He said she could use a break, which is cool, because she knows how to make tie-dye eggs." Zoey indicated the finished eggs.
"Ok, girls, lets get this cleaned up," CJ said as she helped Annie take her last egg out of the purple dye. Josh helped them, which wasn't a difficult task because CJ had the foresight to put newspapers down before they got started. Zoey took Annie upstairs to show off their eggs as CJ put the now clean spoons away in their drawer.
Josh watched her quietly, then said, "Let's talk a walk."
She just nodded and let him lead her out of the building towards the park. They found a fairly secluded spot by a large rock. Josh sat down and patted the ground next to him. CJ sat down, and rested her hands on her updrawn knees.
"You look a much better today," he said.
"Yeah," she said, sounding slightly apprehensive. He understood why and gently touched her shoulder.
"I'm not going to tell anyone." She looked at him in surprise. "No one needs to know," he continued.
"But, Josh, it could look extremely bad," she protested.
"How?" he asked. "Even if someone decided to do deep background on you, there's no reason to go beyond college, for you, or any other staff member. The name on your driver's license is the name on your college diplomas, right?" She nodded. "The name on your college diplomas is the name on your high school diploma, right?" She nodded again. "And from what you've told me, the name on your high school diploma is the same as the name on your birth certificate and social security card, yes?" She agreed. "Ok then. Unless someone looked at your medical or school records, there's no way for them to tell that you spent a large part of your life with a different last name. And besides, notwithstanding the fact that those records would be difficult to get, why would anyone care? You've never lied about any of it. You've just never come out and told anyone. Which, even in politics, the world of full disclosure, is not demanded of you. You have never lied about it, correct?"
"No. No one's ever asked," she said softly.
"And no one is asking now. If there are questions later, we'll deal with them later. At any rate," he added, "even if someone did ask questions, it would be impossible to make it into some sort of scandal. You're a survivor , CJ." He stood up and helped her to her feet, putting his hands on her shoulders. "You survived. What happened then only has bearing on who and what you are now in the fact that you rose above the lousy hand life dealt you and created a new one. Nothing that happened to you in Missouri was your fault. Nothing . And if no one ever told you that, then they're crueler than I'd believe. And if you have been told, well, it's time to believe it, Claudia Jean." He paused and tilted her chin so she would have to look him in the eye. "You are a tremendously lovely and special, woman who did not deserve her childhood. You are an incredible person who is stronger than I will ever be. You are an important person who is now surrounded by people who care about her, and who is looking at one person who loves her, at the very least. Do you hear me?" he whispered. She nodded. "Good," he said, releasing her chin and pulling her into an embrace. They were just enough the same height that she could rest her head on his shoulder. "God, you in formal dress must be hell on the guys," he said softly.
"Why?" she whispered.
"Well, damn, CJ, you in heels? Good God, you'd be an Amazon!" He smiled as she laughed softly. "Listen to me," he said. "I know you're feeling very far from home, now. Hell, I'm not sure you know where home is, right now, am I right?" he felt her nod against his shoulder. "Ok then. You know what you need?" he asked.
"What?" she said, picking her head up to look at him.
"Family. You've got friends, probably more than you think, but you don't have family. From what you said and from what Toby said, all you've got is your dad, and I bet you haven't talked to him in weeks." he said.
"Longer," she admitted.
He nodded. "And all I've got anymore is my mom, who I talked to last night, but it still feels like she's in Antarctica for all I get to see her. So, then, we're both rather bereft of kin at the moment, don't you think?"
She tilted her head. "Are you saying that you should like for me to be your sister?" she asked.
"Well, only if I get to be your brother," he replied. "I mean, we've got friends. We have enough people who care about us running around here. But even so, family is something else, and it's something that I don't think you've had in a long time. Besides, I've always thought you were home whenever you were with family."
She nodded slowly in response. "All right. Let's do this. If I'm going to be your family, you have to promise me something." He moved back to stand with his hands on her shoulders again. "You have to promise that if you get scared, or angry, or upset enough to run away, you have to come and tell me first, before you go. And then we'll talk, and if we can find a solution to whatever is making you angry, upset and scared, then you'll stay. If we try, and we can't, and you've had time to cool off, and you still want to go, then I'll let you go. Do you think you can promise me that?" He knew he was asking a lot of her, and he watched the fear cross her face. "You've run too, too long. You're 32, CJ, it's time to stop," he said softly. She nodded hesitantly. "Say it," he commanded gently.
"I promise," she said slowly, "not to run without talking to you first. And if we can fix it, I'll stay. But if we can't, I can still go."
"Good job," he said gently, smiling a little at her. "Now I'm going to promise you something." She looked at him, surprised. "I will not abandon you. If you run, I will not let you run alone. I may not actually follow you, but you won't ever be alone. I know you don't believe me right now, but I promise you this, as a brother," he said, looking her straight in the eyes. "I won't ever let you be alone." She didn't answer, but he saw the hope in her eyes and the little spark of CJ that had been missing for weeks. Smiling, he hugged her quickly and tightly, then held her out at arms length. "Now, then, we have got to do something about you, skinny girl. I mean, look at you, you're skin and bones! Time to put some meat on that frame, ok? What would you like to eat? Anything, I mean it. We'll either find it somewhere, or we'll go make it," he told her.
She thought for a moment, turning her face up to the sun that shone through the trees. "I think we should have some summer food," she said, starting to smile.
"Yes! Yes, that's what we'll have," he exclaimed, grinning. "Barbecue beef!"
"Corn on the cob." CJ's smile started to grow.
"Watermelon," he said, eyes widening with anticipation.
"Strawberries," she said, smiling altogether now.
"Ooohhh, with vanilla ice cream and pound cake!" he said, grinning and rolling his eyes with relish.
She nodded enthusiastically. "Light fluffy biscuits."
"Potato salad! Come on," he said, grabbing her wrist and turning towards the path. "I know where we can find some of that! Race ya," he called over his shoulder as he ran down the path towards town.
People stopped to watch the lanky red-haired woman overtake the slightly shorter brown haired man as they ran down the street. Both were laughing as they raced like children just out of school towards their invincible summer.