TITLE: Thoughts of an Empty Mind
AUTHOR: Hope A
SUMMARY: Wesley has sudden revelations after Fred's death.
RATING: PG

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters mentioned in this fanfiction. Joss and Co. own all.

The moment passed like any other would. It was quick and painless, then how come it hurt so much? The pain was slight then grew more and more with every passing second. He leaned down cradling her in his arms, crying softly. He thought the pain would become too much to bare when suddenly her body jolted. Was she alive again? Had she awakened from her eternal sleep? Then suddenly she flung him off the bed, across the room. He could hear her body convulsing on the floor. Slowly he sat up, for he feared what would come to stand in front of him. Would it be the love, the woman he lost, or another creature unknown to him? As her body rose from the ground, he saw her tinted blue skin and hair. His worse fear had come true. She was really gone. He was taken aback at first. She cocked her head to one side and stared at him. Then she finally spoke. When he heard the first three words she uttered he knew it was not her, it was the monster, the virus that took her over. He almost felt like crying again, but more than anything wanted to kill it. This being before him wasn't even worthy enough to be called she, the being was an it, an undeserving creature that he wanted nothing to do with.

His anger overpowered him. He stood speaking its true name, Illyria. Its head turned to look at him. Stunned at his audacity to utter its name, it turned completely and questioned him. He did not like the new being that overtook this body. He wanted her back. Too afraid to express his true feelings of sadness, he attempted to kill her. Finding out it was invincible stunned and angered him. He did not want this thing masquerading around in her body. Even though some of her features had changed due to the transformation, she was still there, her form her beauty glaring at him. He could not take this body disliking him, when he loved it so. Loving her was the best thing he had in life. Seeing her is what he looked forward to in life. He woke up and lived for her. Now that she was gone, there was nothing left for him in life. She was the greatest thing to ever happen to him, and without realizing it, he not only loved her, but lived her.

She was reason for life, without a reason what's the point. The sudden realization that his life had no meaning, upset him. He just wanted to be with her and if dying was the only way to do it, then so be it. He had taken lives before why should his be any harder. Christ, he almost killed Gunn. But there was one ounce of hope left in him. A little voice in the back of his mind, telling him to go on, live, survive, for her. Her voice was in his mind, telling him to not give up, to find a way to bring her back. A sudden and explosive burst of hope entered his mind. Anger started to resurface in his head and he believed that with enough vengeance, power and time he could bring her back or at least get rid of the thing that took over her body. And finally be able to let her lay to rest in a respectable manner.

At the end of the day, his mission seemed fruitless. He gave up on trying to get her back. He had a new assignment now, to help Illyria. He figured that since he was to be spending a lot of time with it, he should call it by its name, Illyria. This new name and form would be an adjustment for him, for everybody. Every time he looked at it, he shivered. He searched for the warmth and love in its eyes that resembled her, but he could no longer find it. Her warmth, beauty, life, it was all dead now. Nothing was left but a shell. Illyria was right to all itself a shell. That's what it was. No longer a living, breathing, loving being of society, just a costume; a mask that it could put on to look human. He hated to think of her body as just a shell. He loved her so much, almost too much. And when he finally got his chance to be with her and love her, the way he always wanted to, it was all taken away. Some days he would just sit in his home or office, and remember all the time they spent together, as he drank down a bottle of Vodka. He felt so empty sometimes, and drinking would fill the void in his soul. Illyria would interrupt him sometimes. He hated when it did that. One day, he dreamed that they killed Illyria and that she was back again. When it woke him up, he sprang and tried to kill it. Due to instinct and self defense it fought back and nearly killed him. But it realized he was inebriated from the horrible smell that permeated off him, and also from his actions. It knew that he did not normally speak and lash out like this. After he broke down and let out his anger, by smashing many of his empty whisky and vodka bottles against a wall, he quietly apologized to it. Even though he really wanted nothing to do with Illyria anymore, he still had an obligation to apologize. He almost felt like he owed it to her. Even in death he could feel her guiding him and telling him what was the right thing to do. That's what he loved most about her. She always tried to do the right thing and help others do so also. Especially with Angel; she helped him a lot when she was around.

Sudden revelations of life and death hit him harder now. Before death was just a part of the job. Something that happened that you couldn't control. But this time it was personal, and he knew he could have prevented it. That's what angered him the most. The people surrounding him could have stopped it. Or tried to, he knew Angel and Spike did everything they could. He couldn't expect them to choose her life over thousands. Or could he? Her life was very valuable. The more he thought about it, the more he wished they had sacrificed the many for her. It kept making more and more sense every passing day. But in the back of his mind the sensible, smart, caring Wesley still existed. This Wesley knew that Fred would not have wanted so many to die in order for her to live. And that's what brought him back. Her. She always made him think sensibly, realistically. Just thinking of her made everything tick right in his brain. It's what gets him through each day and onto the next. But if he thinks too much about her, he can't function. Sadness just takes over. Some days he wishes he died too, just so he could see her again. He did not know what existed on the other side, nor did he care at this point. He could not be certain that anything existed on the other side. As long as he could see her, he would be happy. His eternal rest would be fulfilled if he could see her face one more time. Just to smile, or laugh with her would be a dream come true. So many nights he would wake up and think she was there with him. Even if it was for a second, or a moment. Sometimes she looked like an angel with a glowing halo hovering over her head. He would imagine the perfect kiss. It would last for what seemed like eternity, but then suddenly end and could see her smiling back at him with her big brown eyes. Her eyes always brought him deeper into her soul. He felt so safe and happy lost in her eyes. Sometimes in this dream, he would begin to cry. She would wipe his tears away and hold him until the pain passed. That's all he wanted, her comfort and support. But sometimes she would begin to cry instead. And he would comfort her. Wipe away her tears and let her let go. He imagined his heaven would look something like that. All white and magical and perfect. Just being with her was perfect. Even if they were in a dark place, as long as she was there. But usually he would wake up before he could see everything.

Angel would come and check on him sometimes, just to make sure he was doing okay. Angel knew this was the hardest thing he had to get over. Even worse than the guilt Wesley felt after thinking he killed his father. Wesley never broke down in front of anyone though. Sometimes in front of Illyria, but usually it was because he was drunk and dreaming, and thought it was her. If his thoughts became too much to handle, he would walk away or lock himself in his office all day. The others new it was difficult for him sometimes. When he would randomly exit a meeting or conversation, they knew why, but would never speak about it. No one ever questioned Wesley. Mainly because they were afraid to. They feared he would be lost forever if he kept focusing on her death. But Angel reassured them that he would come out of it soon. When ever the others spoke about Wesley with each other, they would refer to him as if he was in some sort of a coma or deep sleep. In a way he was. He always walked around looking like he was lost or dreaming. He was lost, but he wasn't dreaming. He just wished he was dreaming. That soon Fred would wake him up soon and tell him to get up and get ready for work. But it wasn't a dream. He was at work, trying to help the "helpless". What if he was one of them? Angel never paused to help others, but when it came to helping their own, for some reason, he did. Like with Fred. Wesley could not stop thinking about what happened. He wants to blame Angel, and Gunn, and everybody at Wolfram and Hart, but he can't. It's not anymore their fault as it his. Knox was really the one to blame, but he was dead now. Wesley figured his action in killing him was justified. One life for another, even thought that's not how they operated. Knox was an innocent, a human, and evil human, but a human none the less. There were so many people Wesley thought of that could be to blame for her death, but in the end, it always came back to him. Wesley felt like he could have done more. But he couldn't, it was inevitable. Like Knox said this plan had been set in motion millions of years ago. The only thing they could have done was stayed at Angel Investigations. The more he thought over their decision the more he wanted to change it. Why did they come here? To help people? Wolfram and Hart never helped anybody, why would they start now. If they hadn't taken the offer, Fred and Wesley may not have ended up together, but at least she'd be alive. At least he'd be able to get up every morning and see her smiling face. But not anymore.

Soon Wesley began thinking of ways to get over this. It is never easy to get over the death of a loved one, especially someone you couldn't have for so many years and then finally get a chance with. He began to think positively. Thought about how happy Fred must be in heaven, supposing she was in heaven. And that one day he would join her. He began to drown himself in his work. Training with Illyria, watching it fight with Spike, and react to human emotions. Watch as its emotions began to change more and more every day. He saw hope in having it as a part of their team. He thought of Illyria as a replacement, an exchange student, not something that took over Fred. The less he thought of it as Fred, the more he liked having it around. It would take time to get used to its new attitude and the way it spoke.

As the final battle drew closer, Wesley realized what an asset Illyria would be for them. It was almost better. If Fred had lived and she was the one who had to fight, she probably would not survive. It almost seemed like fate that Fred would have an undeserving and surprising death. He was little bit angry about that. She had survived 5 years as a slave in an alternate demon dimension. But then she comes to Wolfram and Hart and is killed. But he couldn't focus on that now. He had to concentrate on fighting and more importantly winning. This battle could be the end. Hopefully he'd live to see how it ends . . . To be continued