TITLE: Thoughts of an Empty Mind 2
AUTHOR: Hope A
SUMMARY: Wesley has sudden revelations after Fred's death.
RATING: PG DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters mentioned in this fanfiction. Joss and Co. own all.
All of a sudden Wesley thought he could feel the earth spinning. Every rotation getting faster and faster. This sudden feeling, he guessed, was what the battle was supposed to feel like. He felt like he had no control, things were falling apart fasting than he could think. Angel's news about the Circle of the Black Thorn shook Wesley back to reality. He was in. He would fight that last battle and risk his life for their mission. He couldn't feel down on himself at a time like this. His mission was clear and he knew what he had to do. After hours of preparing and waiting, he realized he hadn't thought about Fred for the longest time since her death. This made him feel good because he was getting past her death, but sad and a little angry that he had forgotten her. How do you forget the love of your life? This thought brought him down. He was afraid of what would happen if he didn't think of Fred all the time. Would Fred get mad at him? Would others? Would he get mad at himself? He knew the answer to that question. Yes.
Forgetting Fred was like losing apart of himself. Even though it was a short lived romance, his time with Fred made him feel whole. Being together made his life complete. And now that Fred was gone, thinking about her filled the void. As he went through his last day before the battle, he wished Fred was there. Just to comfort him and tell him everything was going to be fine. He didn't dare ask Illyria to change into Fred, for some reason that bothered him. He figured because it wasn't really Fred, just an imitator. He dreamed a lot that day. Dreamed of a life without demons and monsters, just him and Fred. He dreamed of another life, with demons and monsters, but the battle was done and they prevailed. These dreams were too perfect for him to even imagine and he would wake up and curse himself for believing that such places existed. Every time he thought of Fred, he would get angry and tell himself that she was gone and to get over it. He wished his friends would do the same, but he could sense that they were scared to even talk to him, about things not pertaining to Fred. He was almost angry at their awkwardness around him. Especially with Angel.
They had been through so much, and were always there for each other, but during a time he really needed Angel, he couldn't really count on him. Angel's weird attitude turned Wesley away from him. He felt like he couldn't trust him, which meant he couldn't turn to him. He knew he couldn't rely on Gunn. He practically killed him, why would Gunn help him now, especially with such a delicate issue. He wasn't close enough to Lorne or Spike to ask for their help. He felt like he was losing everyone around him. His life was falling apart right in front of him and the only person who could help fix it was gone. Everything came back to her. It was inevitable that he would not be able to live his life without her. Death seemed like an easy solution, but one he was not ready to make. As his thoughts flooded his mind and kept him from his true mission, the battle drew closer. He finally came out of his dream like state and prepared for the worst.
Angel told Wesley Illyria was his responsibility and Wesley knew if she messed up, it'd be his fault. But at the same time she was a great asset and he would take the risk of her getting "twitchy". As annoying as Illyria had been before, teaching her and watching her had been somewhat of an experience. One Wesley would never forget. As he spent more time around her he found himself caring more for her. Not as much as he would for another human, but for something important and valuable. After her quarrel with Hamilton he discovered himself worrying about Illyria. About her safety and overall well-being. This had never happened before. In fact at first he just wanted her dead. He wanted nothing to do with the creature that stole the love of his life away form him. These new feelings and concern for her, surprised him. He knew she could never ever replace Fred, and he would never want her to. But for some reason he felt that if he ever lost her, he' d be disappointed and quite upset.
As he helped heal Illyria from her recent battle with Hamilton, he spoke of his perfect day. Fred. That's all he needed to say. She was his perfect day. Just to be with her, see her, hear her laugh, but as he told Illyria, he could not have his perfect day. Illyria offered to change for him, but the illusion would harm him more than it would help. He can't be fooled by the lie, the façade. He must be stronger than that. He had to separate truth from illusion. Because in the world of magics, it's the hardest thing to do. The truth was, that Fred was gone. To pretend that she wasn't would not help him cope with this new fact. As they all met before the final battle, Wesley thought about what a day with Fred would have been like. That happiness would guide him in battle. He knew there was nothing he could do but be confident that he would win and see the final battle that awaited them. As he began talking with Vail, he reminded himself to be strong. He thought his plan was going to be successful. As he worked his magic, Vail began to seem unpersuasive. But as the conversation went on, it took a turn for the worse.
Wesley's eyes widened as he felt a sharp cold pain in his stomach. Wesley gasps as Vail turned the knife. Wesley conjured one more large fireball in his palm, and it exploded, the force of it sending Vail across the room into a wall, knocking him out, which released Wesley from his grip. Wesley fell but landed on his feet. He stumbled and is about to fall to the ground when Illyria rushed into the room. She caught him in her arms and knelt beside him on the floor. This new feeling came as a release and at the same time a new control over him. He knew death was coming soon for him and his soul would finally be freed. But as usual Illyria was there to state the obvious and tell him of his upcoming death. But he was glad she came. Even though he tried to deny it, he wanted her to change for him. And at his command she lied to him. Seeing her pure milky skin again, and sparking eyes made him so happy, even during a time of great pain. Just her soft touch made him feel better. He missed her so much and seeing her there in front of him was a dream come true. As she leaned down to kiss him, he paused freezing the perfect moment in his mind forever. Then she told him it wouldn't be much longer and he'd be where she was and they'd be together. As she said she loved him he passed on. Those three little words made his release so much easier and better. As Wesley felt a darkness come over him and her facing fading away, he smiled inside glad to see her one last time, even though he knew he'd see her soon. When he opened his eyes again, she was there, same way he left. She was holding him in her arms, more beautiful than he could ever remember. She was perfect. He smiled up at her, not believing that he was with her forever. She looked angelic, which made him want to cry. She silenced his gasps and kissed him softly, not ending the kiss for several seconds. Wesley wished he could stay like that forever. When they pulled apart, she was still there. He knew this was not a dream, that this was death. He did not see anyone else though. They were in some sort of room, similar to that of the white room. He felt so safe, the safest and happiest he'd ever felt in his life. If death was supposed to feel like this he liked it very much. Especially since she was there. For what seemed like eternity, they sat there and smiled and looked at each other. They did not exchange words and this scared him. He was afraid it would end soon and he did not want that. His face suddenly changed. Fred noticed this and calmed him down. She assured him that they would be together forever, and not to worry. Her peaceful words and soft smile would never lie to him. He trusted her so much and this feeling of wholeness made him know he was complete and would be perfectly happy for eternity. Then he leaned up and caressed her face as he kissed her again, a kiss that would never end, the perfect beginning to eternity with her.
AUTHOR: Hope A
SUMMARY: Wesley has sudden revelations after Fred's death.
RATING: PG DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters mentioned in this fanfiction. Joss and Co. own all.
All of a sudden Wesley thought he could feel the earth spinning. Every rotation getting faster and faster. This sudden feeling, he guessed, was what the battle was supposed to feel like. He felt like he had no control, things were falling apart fasting than he could think. Angel's news about the Circle of the Black Thorn shook Wesley back to reality. He was in. He would fight that last battle and risk his life for their mission. He couldn't feel down on himself at a time like this. His mission was clear and he knew what he had to do. After hours of preparing and waiting, he realized he hadn't thought about Fred for the longest time since her death. This made him feel good because he was getting past her death, but sad and a little angry that he had forgotten her. How do you forget the love of your life? This thought brought him down. He was afraid of what would happen if he didn't think of Fred all the time. Would Fred get mad at him? Would others? Would he get mad at himself? He knew the answer to that question. Yes.
Forgetting Fred was like losing apart of himself. Even though it was a short lived romance, his time with Fred made him feel whole. Being together made his life complete. And now that Fred was gone, thinking about her filled the void. As he went through his last day before the battle, he wished Fred was there. Just to comfort him and tell him everything was going to be fine. He didn't dare ask Illyria to change into Fred, for some reason that bothered him. He figured because it wasn't really Fred, just an imitator. He dreamed a lot that day. Dreamed of a life without demons and monsters, just him and Fred. He dreamed of another life, with demons and monsters, but the battle was done and they prevailed. These dreams were too perfect for him to even imagine and he would wake up and curse himself for believing that such places existed. Every time he thought of Fred, he would get angry and tell himself that she was gone and to get over it. He wished his friends would do the same, but he could sense that they were scared to even talk to him, about things not pertaining to Fred. He was almost angry at their awkwardness around him. Especially with Angel.
They had been through so much, and were always there for each other, but during a time he really needed Angel, he couldn't really count on him. Angel's weird attitude turned Wesley away from him. He felt like he couldn't trust him, which meant he couldn't turn to him. He knew he couldn't rely on Gunn. He practically killed him, why would Gunn help him now, especially with such a delicate issue. He wasn't close enough to Lorne or Spike to ask for their help. He felt like he was losing everyone around him. His life was falling apart right in front of him and the only person who could help fix it was gone. Everything came back to her. It was inevitable that he would not be able to live his life without her. Death seemed like an easy solution, but one he was not ready to make. As his thoughts flooded his mind and kept him from his true mission, the battle drew closer. He finally came out of his dream like state and prepared for the worst.
Angel told Wesley Illyria was his responsibility and Wesley knew if she messed up, it'd be his fault. But at the same time she was a great asset and he would take the risk of her getting "twitchy". As annoying as Illyria had been before, teaching her and watching her had been somewhat of an experience. One Wesley would never forget. As he spent more time around her he found himself caring more for her. Not as much as he would for another human, but for something important and valuable. After her quarrel with Hamilton he discovered himself worrying about Illyria. About her safety and overall well-being. This had never happened before. In fact at first he just wanted her dead. He wanted nothing to do with the creature that stole the love of his life away form him. These new feelings and concern for her, surprised him. He knew she could never ever replace Fred, and he would never want her to. But for some reason he felt that if he ever lost her, he' d be disappointed and quite upset.
As he helped heal Illyria from her recent battle with Hamilton, he spoke of his perfect day. Fred. That's all he needed to say. She was his perfect day. Just to be with her, see her, hear her laugh, but as he told Illyria, he could not have his perfect day. Illyria offered to change for him, but the illusion would harm him more than it would help. He can't be fooled by the lie, the façade. He must be stronger than that. He had to separate truth from illusion. Because in the world of magics, it's the hardest thing to do. The truth was, that Fred was gone. To pretend that she wasn't would not help him cope with this new fact. As they all met before the final battle, Wesley thought about what a day with Fred would have been like. That happiness would guide him in battle. He knew there was nothing he could do but be confident that he would win and see the final battle that awaited them. As he began talking with Vail, he reminded himself to be strong. He thought his plan was going to be successful. As he worked his magic, Vail began to seem unpersuasive. But as the conversation went on, it took a turn for the worse.
Wesley's eyes widened as he felt a sharp cold pain in his stomach. Wesley gasps as Vail turned the knife. Wesley conjured one more large fireball in his palm, and it exploded, the force of it sending Vail across the room into a wall, knocking him out, which released Wesley from his grip. Wesley fell but landed on his feet. He stumbled and is about to fall to the ground when Illyria rushed into the room. She caught him in her arms and knelt beside him on the floor. This new feeling came as a release and at the same time a new control over him. He knew death was coming soon for him and his soul would finally be freed. But as usual Illyria was there to state the obvious and tell him of his upcoming death. But he was glad she came. Even though he tried to deny it, he wanted her to change for him. And at his command she lied to him. Seeing her pure milky skin again, and sparking eyes made him so happy, even during a time of great pain. Just her soft touch made him feel better. He missed her so much and seeing her there in front of him was a dream come true. As she leaned down to kiss him, he paused freezing the perfect moment in his mind forever. Then she told him it wouldn't be much longer and he'd be where she was and they'd be together. As she said she loved him he passed on. Those three little words made his release so much easier and better. As Wesley felt a darkness come over him and her facing fading away, he smiled inside glad to see her one last time, even though he knew he'd see her soon. When he opened his eyes again, she was there, same way he left. She was holding him in her arms, more beautiful than he could ever remember. She was perfect. He smiled up at her, not believing that he was with her forever. She looked angelic, which made him want to cry. She silenced his gasps and kissed him softly, not ending the kiss for several seconds. Wesley wished he could stay like that forever. When they pulled apart, she was still there. He knew this was not a dream, that this was death. He did not see anyone else though. They were in some sort of room, similar to that of the white room. He felt so safe, the safest and happiest he'd ever felt in his life. If death was supposed to feel like this he liked it very much. Especially since she was there. For what seemed like eternity, they sat there and smiled and looked at each other. They did not exchange words and this scared him. He was afraid it would end soon and he did not want that. His face suddenly changed. Fred noticed this and calmed him down. She assured him that they would be together forever, and not to worry. Her peaceful words and soft smile would never lie to him. He trusted her so much and this feeling of wholeness made him know he was complete and would be perfectly happy for eternity. Then he leaned up and caressed her face as he kissed her again, a kiss that would never end, the perfect beginning to eternity with her.