He Who Fights With Monsters
By Thalia Drogna
In Phlox's opinion the surgery had been a success. The optical nerves had been successfully reconnected using microsurgery and the only evidence that Commander Tucker had undergone any sort of procedure was a small incision on his left temple no bigger than a millimetre across. Of course he wouldn't know for certain until the patient opened his eyes and tried to see but he was confident it had worked. It was time to wake his patient. He went to the com and contacted the Captain.
Phlox prepared to revive his patient from the temporarily induced state of unconsciousness. The Captain hurried into the brig.
"How did it go?" asked Archer.
"Very well," said Phlox. "I think we're ready to wake him up. He will probably be very confused, but I need to ask him some questions to assess his condition. Please don't help him with the answers even if he seems to be having difficulty."
"I understand," said Archer.
Phlox went to Trip's side and pressed a hypospray to his patient's neck. Trip's eyes flickered open with visible effort.
"Hello again, Commander," said Phlox.
Trip blinked, he looked lost and bewildered. "W-w-where... am I?" he stammered, his voice a dry whisper. His eyes were wandering around the room in confusion, but they weren't the unfocused wanderings that they had been before. There was no doubt in Archer's mind that Trip could see.
"You're in the brig, Trip," answered Archer. "You're going to be fine." Phlox had produced a pen light and was testing Trip's pupil reactions. He seemed to be satisfied with what he found.
"No...Rel Sevanne...gone," said Trip. His breathing was laboured and rapid. Without the Rel Sevanne he was completely lost and empty. There was a blackness building inside him and he desperately wished his could regain the feelings of warmth and belonging that he had while linked to the Rel Sevanne. He reached out and tried to find something to connect with, but there was nothing there.
"Just try to stay calm, Commander," said Phlox. "You're being looked after."
"Can't...connect..." Trip breathed miserably.
"I'm sorry Trip," said Archer. "It's for your own good. We can't let you connect to any computers in your current state. You just need to get well."
"Commander, I need to ask you some questions," said Phlox. "Do you know who I am?"
"Yes..." said Trip, trailing off.
"What's my name?" asked Phlox.
Trip squeezed his eyes shut as if he was trying to remember something. He shook his head. "I know," he said, frustrated.
Archer looked at Phlox with worried eyes. "It's okay Trip. What about me, you know who I am?"
"Captain..." said Trip and he trailed off again. His brain just wasn't working and he was so tired. He felt as if the name he was looking for was just beyond his reach.
"That's right," said Archer. He didn't want to press Trip in his weakened state but he suspected that his friend couldn't remember his name, just his rank.
"Can you tell me what the name of this ship is?" asked Phlox.
Trip thought about it for a while and then shook his head.
"What's your name?" asked Phlox.
"Commander...Charles...Tucker...the third," he said. Archer smiled down at his friend, at least he knew his own name.
Phlox continued with the questions, at times it didn't even seem as if Trip knew what he was being asked and there were a number of basic facts that he just couldn't recall, the one which stunned Archer was the days of the week. Phlox had asked Trip to recite the days of the week, he got to Tuesday, skipped to Friday and then ground to a halt unable to get any further. Archer knew that this couldn't possibly be good, this was more than just confusion from his prolonged period of unconsciousness, it was something more serious.
Phlox eventually finished asking his questions and he and Archer exited the holding cell.
"Well, Doctor? Even I know that isn't a good sign," said Archer.
"It is as I feared. There is some damage to his speech centres, caused by the feedback from the crash. He is having difficulty retrieving his vocabulary, particularly proper names, although he had trouble forming sentences as well. He also seems to have difficulty understanding us," said Phlox. "When he is more awake, I'll test his movement ability, but I suspect that we will also find that has been severely impaired."
"Is there anything you can do to help him?" asked Archer.
"I've gone about as far as I can with the neural regeneration, it's up to his own body now to heal the rest of the damage, but I can begin speech therapy to improve his language abilities. I'll enlist Hoshi's help if I may," said Phlox.
"Of course," said Archer. "Whatever you need, Doctor."
"This is going to make discussing his condition more difficult and complicate his recovery," said Phlox.
"Nothing is ever easy where Trip is concerned," said Archer.
"It certainly seems that way," said Phlox.
"Is it okay if I sit with him for a bit?" said Archer.
"I don't see why not, but if he falls asleep then don't be surprised, I expect him to be very weak for a little while yet. He may not understand everything you say or be able to answer you but just let him take his time and don't expect too much to begin with," said Phlox.
"I won't stay too long, doctor," said Archer and went back to see his friend. He pulled up a chair beside Trip's bed. His friend's eyes were closed but he didn't think Trip was asleep and he had his suspicions confirmed when two blue eyes opened.
"It's good to have you back, Trip," said Archer. "You had us all scared for a while there."
"S-s-s-sorry," stuttered Trip.
"What for?" asked Archer.
"Tr-trouble," said Trip.
"No more than usual," said Archer, smiling.
"Rel Sevanne...gone. It's all gone. Hurts..." said Trip.
"It will get better, Trip. We'll help you through this," said Archer.
"Put me back," said Trip, as if he hadn't understood a word Archer had said and in truth he hadn't. He knew that he should have understood, but none of the words made sense, they were just collections of sounds.
"I can't, the Rel Sevanne doesn't exist anymore. It was destroyed," said Archer.
"Everyone okay?" asked Trip.
"There were casualties but about half of the Tien escaped in life pods," said Archer. "If it wasn't for you ordering everyone to the back of the ship then it would have been far worse."
"Everyone okay?" Trip asked again, not understanding what Archer had said.
"Yes, Trip," said Archer giving in and deciding to keep it simple.
Trip seemed to understand that and nodded.
In fact, Archer reflected, Shar Jen had escaped without a scratch, there had been no serious injuries aboard Enterprise, Malcolm was on the mend and so was Sharien. It was only Trip who was still worrying him. This was hard, seeing Trip like this, he was usually so sharp and now he couldn't even form proper sentences or understand what was being said to him. Archer knew that the brain underneath was still as agile as ever but it just couldn't communicate with the outside world any longer.
"I know you're having trouble understanding me at the moment and forming sentences, but we're going to help you. You've still got a lot of healing to do," said Archer.
"I'm so alone," said Trip, tears appearing in his eyes. "I can't feel anything."
"You're not alone, you just have to hang in there," said Archer. "The Rel Sevanne brainwashed you into thinking that's where you belonged but you don't, you belong here with us."
Trip shook his head. "No, hurts, being alone," but he closed his eyes and was soon breathing evenly, completely worn out just from the exertion of talking. The virus had sapped all his strength. Archer sat with him for a while longer, just being there while he slept. At least they had him back, they could deal with any problems now that he was back on Enterprise.
When Phlox came in to check on Trip's condition he found that Archer had fallen asleep in the chair next to Trip's bed. He suspected that the Captain hadn't been getting much sleep recently and this was about the best thing for him at the moment, so, after briefly scanning Trip to make sure there hadn't been any change in his condition, Phlox left quietly.
Shar Jen and T'Pol worked in silence. Neither wanted to talk to the other. T'Pol suspected that her level of concern for Commander Tucker was plainly readable by the Tien empath and Shar Jen must know that she cared for the Commander. Perhaps Shar Jen even knew how deep that feeling must run for an empath to be able to read anything from a Vulcan.
Equally T'Pol knew from Captain Archer that Shar Jen had proclaimed her love for Trip and she did not like that. Logically she saw the dichotomy of Shar Jen proclaiming love for someone she had hurt and abused as badly as Commander Tucker, although she almost understood it. Shar Jen had been following orders from her superiors and trying to save her people. The survival of one's race could drive people to do things that they would normally not have considered.
She wondered if faced with the choice between the death of the entire Vulcan race and sacrificing the man she loved, would she make the sacrifice? Logic dictated that the good of the many out-weighed the good of the few, but humans had taught her that the equation was not that simple. When love entered the problem then the solution became even more difficult to reach. Perhaps it simply came down to Shar Jen had seen something that she had wanted and had not wished to let it go, hiding behind the excuses of duty and orders.
Following orders was not an excuse though, it had been proven in war crimes trials throughout the ages that was not a defence. Every officer has a moral obligation to weigh the orders that they are given against their own ethical code, and if those orders are found to be unethical, immoral or wrong then not to follow them. In T'Pol's opinion it would be better to face the consequences of disobeying than follow an order which she did not believe to be morally correct. However maybe she was guilty of judging Shar Jen by her own Vulcan standards.
She knew that she did not like Shar Jen, which was not something that she could explain. Vulcans neither liked not disliked, liking someone was an emotion. She knew that Lieutanant Reed also disliked Shar Jen because of what she had done to Commander Tucker, but she had disliked Shar Jen from the moment that she had met her. It was a baseless opinion that she had formed of the Tien Artificer after only meeting her briefly, or perhaps it had been after seeing her interaction with the Commander. How easily the two of them conversed, how they laughed at one another's jokes and how Shar Jen had understood Trip's emotions at the loss of his sister and torture by the Xindi. Then she realised what she was feeling, it was jealousy. How could it be though? There was nothing for her to be jealous of and Shar Jen had nothing that she wanted. Except Trip, a small voice told her and she pressed it down deep inside her and concentrated on the task at hand. Now was not the time for her to be dealing with new emotions, she had work to do.
"I think I may have something," said Shar Jen. "I've found the legend. It was written down about a hundred years after the events actually took place but it gives the name of the Matriarch."
"If we have a name then we will be able to search the database more efficiently," said T'Pol.
"Her name was Can Shu Ree Misrat and she was the first Matriarch of the Rel Ishtari. According to the legend her body rejected the conjoining and for her own good she was removed from the computer. When the ships were first launched the genetic engineering was untested and they had expected there to be at least one failure out of the five. Luckily there was another Patriarch ready to take her place. She was conjoined for only five days but they say it took her one year to recover for every day that she was conjoined," said Shar Jen.
"It took her five years to recover?" asked T'Pol. She hoped that this part of the legend was not based in fact, Trip had been conjoined for only four days but that would mean a recovery time of four years. There were a lot of fives in Tien mythology though, and that made her suspicious of this.
"But after that, she was able to rejoin society and she went on to become Exarch," said Shar Jen.
"We need more information than this if we are going to help Commander Tucker," said T'Pol.
"There is more," said Shar Jen, "but we need to find the original account of the incident. It will be more detailed and may even contain Can Shu's medical records."
"Then we should keep looking," said T'Pol and bent her head to the task in front of her once more.
"Perhaps we should take a break, Sub-commander," said Shar Jen. "It has been hours since we began this research and neither of us have slept or eaten. I know we need to complete this as quickly as possible but it won't help if we're too tired to concentrate."
"You may be correct," replied T'Pol. "I too am fatigued. We should sleep and then return to this in a few hours time."
T'Pol escorted Shar Jen back to her quarters before she went to her own cabin and prepared herself for a few hours of rest. They had agreed to return to the research in four hours time, neither Shar Jen not T'Pol wanted to waste any more time than necessary on sleep. T'Pol meditated for only half an hour, too tired to truly keep her mind on the task at hand. She finally admitted to herself that she needed rest in order to help Commander Tucker further and laid her weary body down on the bunk and slept.
Trip awoke to the aching loss that was currently his reality. He was alone once again in the holding cell in the brig. He knew that the Captain had been here, and that had reassured him slightly, but he had to go back on duty, he couldn't stay with Trip all the time. He checked in with the nanites, who eagerly relayed information to him, but as he did so the dull pain of the missing connection to the Rel Sevanne returned to him. He felt so strange now that he didn't have the Rel Sevanne computer constantly feeding him data.
Empty was the only way to describe how he felt. His loss of the Rel Sevanne and deep depression that he felt at that was only exacerbated by his lack of ability to communicate. He'd only understood about half of what the Captain had said and although he knew his friend's name perfectly well he couldn't recall it and it was tearing him to pieces.
He didn't belong on Enterprise, he belonged on the Rel Sevanne. He was the Patriarch of the Tien, except that the Rel Sevanne no longer existed and he could never go back.
He could never go back. That hit him like a wall. He would never again belong anywhere, or have that feeling of warmth that went with being part of the Rel Sevanne. He would never again be able to feel the ship around himself, to feel the cold of space on the skin of his hull or feel the pulse of the warp engine at his heart. They had even taken away his connection to the other computer. It hadn't been the Rel Sevanne but he could have lived with that, at least it had been a connection. There was no way that he could ever get it back now that the Rel Sevanne was gone and they had him sequestered in the Brig, perhaps permanently.
There was a hole where his heart should have been and he grieved for the Rel Sevanne. He grieved for the loss of all the Tien lives and he remembered the pain of the impacts on his hull. Suddenly he realised that he couldn't go on feeling like this, such hopelessness and despair. He needed it to end, except at the moment he had no way to do that. He was unable to move much, Phlox had come and performed tests which demonstrated that. He knew that the doctor needed to assess his condition but it had only made him feel worse about his current predicament. What use would an Engineer be to anyone if he couldn't move or communicate?
Then he saw her, standing at the door to the holding cell. Blonde hair drawn back into a plait and the usual blue cat-suit.
"Shar Jen?" he asked. It was the one name that he could remember and there were a lot of tangled feelings associated with that name.
"Yes, En," said the blonde haired woman.
"Missed you, Jen," said Trip. "You didn't come..."
"The Captain wouldn't let me," said Shar Jen. "He won't let me stay on Enterprise and look after you. I have to go to our new home. You have to stay here."
"No...alone," said Trip, tears starting in his eyes again.
"I know what you must be feeling at the moment, so I brought you a gift." She reached down and pulled a knife from her boot and placed it in Trip's limp hand. "You know how to resolve this," she added.
Trip nodded. It was what he had wanted as soon as he had realised that the Rel Sevanne was gone and he would never be able to be a part of it again. The Rel Sevanne was his whole existence and now that was gone he had no reason to continue living.
"I can't be seen here with you. I have to continue to protect the Tien," said Shar Jen. "You must wait until I'm gone. Do you understand?"
Trip nodded once more. Shar Jen had to protect the Tien now that he was no longer able to. She leaned down and kissed him. It was their first kiss and also their last, Trip hardly felt it at all against his black despair and loneliness. Shar Jen checked that no one was watching and left the holding cell, closing the door behind her. Trip fingered the knife in his hand. He wondered how Shar Jen had managed to get past Phlox to see him but then he decided that he didn't really care, she had brought him what he needed.
He reached across his body, the nanites doing most of the muscle control for his damaged nervous system, and drew the knife across his left wrist. The warmth of blood splashed across his hand. He swapped the knife to his left hand and performed the same procedure with his right wrist. Finally, to be sure, he took the knife in both hands and cut into his neck, opening the carotid artery. He hadn't expected it but the act made him feel better, relieved that everything was finally coming to an end.
The knife dropped to the floor. He told the nanites to scramble the keypad lock to the cell and watched in sick fascination as the light faded from his world.