Not What You See
A/N: Yes!!!! At long last, my French project/English character analysis/Math for the day/Science for the day/French phonic dictée is done!!! I can work on fics for a while!! Sure, I'm ignoring my French journal, which is really not the smartest thing to do, and my English stuff for Hound of the Baskervilles, which I think has got to be one of the most boring books on the planet, right up there by Of Mice and Men, which is what we just finished in English.
DISCLAIMER: I own only the other 140 people in Kai and Rei and Max and Tala's family.
POEM: Masks, author unknown, adapted from "Please Hear What I'm Not Saying" in Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul
Chapter 4: Beating Down The Walls
Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a thousand masks,
And none of them are me.
Don't be fooled, please don't be fooled.
"Kai, pass me that ball there. No, not that ball, the one next to it."
Rolling his eyes, Kai picked up the Christmas tree ball and handed it to Rei. "Rei, that ball was exactly the same as the other one."
"I know," Rei said vaguely.
The family was busy that early December morning, decorating the Christmas tree. Marina and Griff were in charge of setting up the little plush reindeer, elves and Santa, those being the only things that wouldn't break if they dropped them. Max was putting together the train set to go around the tree, Kirk and Regine were stringing the garlands and fake holly along the banisters and Rei and Kai were setting up the tree.
"Griff, he doesn't go there!" Marina whined. "That's Vixen! You put him where Dancer is! Rudolph and Dancer and Prancer and Donner and VIXEN!" (A/N: I think?… I was never good at remembering the order… ^-^*)
"What's the difference?" Griff wailed. "They all look the same!"
"They're NOT!" Marina argued. "Mama, they're all different, right?"
"I don't know, sweetheart. Are they?" Regine answered absently, flinching as Max accidentally made the train track fall apart with a crack. "Max, be careful!"
"Santa never got his own reindeer straight," Rei finally told them. "Maybe Vixen should try being in front one year."
"Oh, fine," Marina said huffily as Griff grinned at his brother and triumphantly placed the reindeer back where it was.
I give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness is my
game,
And that I need no one. But don't believe me.
"How does the rhyme go again, Kai?" Rei asked under his breath.
"Who knows." Kai answered. "I certainly don't. Never stayed in one place long enough to go through an entire Christmas season. No, wait, I was at Kiwanis for an entire Christmas season. Course, they were JW, so they didn't celebrate Christmas any way. Been in every kind of Christmas-season-celebrating home you can think of. State home never bothered with it. I lived with a family of Christian Canadians for a while before they got sent back on home assignment. I lived in a Japanese-Jewish home. That was interesting. I lived in a couple of atheist homes that decided Christmas was a hoax to empty your bank account. I lived in a couple of regular places that did the usual lights-tree-gifts round. Rest of them, I wasn't there for Christmas season any way, so I don't know about them."
"Regine loves the Christmas season," Max offered from below the two teens. "She goes nuts if somebody tells her they don't celebrate Christmas. She says she never got the chance to have a fun Christmas when she was little, so she goes overboard every year now."
Rei snickered. "You can say that again. She actually started Christmas in October one year."
Kai rolled his eyes.
"Didn't you get Christmas presents any way?" Max said.
"Didn't hold enough status to merit gifts." Kai answered indifferently. "Didn't really care, any way."
"What about Christmas?" one girl about eight years old whined.
"You don't get Christmas here." Derrek, one of the aids in the state home, told her. "You got a bed, a roof over your head, clothes, and food. What more do you ungrateful little waifs want?"
12-year-old Kai watched silently from his spot in the rec room, protecting his sketchbook from the aid's greedy grip. That kid had better grow up soon. She was a ward of the Tokyo Child Welfare Service. None of them merited presents or special attention. He protected his nice, thick sketchpad, drawing pencils and colour pencils with his life. They were the only present he had ever gotten, ones that Rosalina had given to him the day before he had been taken back, in hopes of a peace offering.
Beneath dwells the real me, a person scared to be vulnerable.
That's why I create a mask to hide behind, to shield me from the glance that knows,
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
Regine was listening to the boys' conversation discreetly. She remembered being exactly like Kai: angry and shuttled around from foster home to foster home, trying to be accepted, but not knowing how; beneath the hard exterior, she knew, was a little boy who didn't want to be hurt again.
Kai caught Regine looking over at him again, and tossed his head and turned back around, handing another ornament to Rei. He heard a tired sigh from Regine and knew she had once again relegated him and his taming to another time.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built prison walls.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm not good enough,
And that you will reject me.
The phone rang at lunch and Kai, being the closest to the phone at the time, answered, despite Rei and Max both jumping at it.
"It's Mariah calling with the time for the tournament!" Rei whined.
"No! It's Tyson!" Max yelled.
"C—can I speak to Kai?" an unsure voice asked tentatively. It was a male voice, probably over 18 but under 25.
"Speaking," Kai answered suspiciously. Rei and Max both groaned and returned to their seats, flaming red at the cheeks. Kai stood up and left the kitchen. "Who is this?"
"Kai, this is Roarke."
Kai hung up.
"Kai, who was that?" Kirk asked.
"Wrong number." Kai answered.
"Well ,obviously they wanted to speak to you. It wasn't a wrong number. Who was it?" Regine persisted.
"Nobody." Kai answered.
"Kai, who was it?"
"Nobody, now stop bugging me about it!" Kai exploded, storming out.
"Toouchy." Rei muttered.
Roarke. He had the nerve to call him up after almost 6 years and expect to be buddy-buddy. Well, it wasn't going to be that easy!
Kai was pacing around his room, muttering under his breath. He finally picked up his sketchbook again and a pencil and took a seat in the window seat, flipping it open to a page where the picture was currently in progress.
No, Roarke had more of a chubby-bunny look to him, Kai reminisced as he fixed up some lines on a young teen's face in the far corner. The boy he was drawing had a round face with small eyes, fixed on some faraway place and a goofy smile on his face. Camden was the one who looked like a gangster. Now, what about Blanche? Geez, I barely remember what she looked like. Well, not surprising, considering I was four last time I saw her. So I'll just kind of leave her face blurred. Sankarat can read into this however she wants. I don't care if this is supposed to be just an art project on family. This is my view on the world I grew up in: harsh, cold and rejecting.
And so begins the parade of masks. I idly chatter to you.
I tell you everything that's really nothing
And nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
"Kai?" A tentative voice came from the doorway. Kai looked up, shutting the book while doing so. Griff was standing in the doorway.
"Yeah?" Kai answered.
"Why're you mad at Mommy?" Griff asked, advancing into the room and clambering up on the window seat by Kai.
"I'm not really mad, I'm just tired." Kai lied through his teeth to the little boy. "Are you done your lunch?"
"No, but Daddy told me to come up and tell you to come finish your lunch. And Mommy says that you can trust us."
"Oh. All right." Kai said, setting the sketchbook back in his duffel bag.
"Kai, what was that all about?" Kirk asked as Kai reentered and calmly took his place at the table again, Griff clambering onto the bench by Max.
"Nothing." Kai answered. "I'm just a little on edge."
"So who was on the phone?" Rei asked from beside Kai.
"Rei, I think he's told us he doesn't want to say," Max told him from across the table.
"It was my brother," Kai answered, voice void of all emotion.
"Brother?" Rei asked.
"Brother?" Max echoed.
"Brother. Got a problem with it?" Kai snapped.
"No," they both replied quickly.
"Just never heard you say anything about a brother before, that's all." Rei mumbled.
"Yeah, well, there's a reason for that," Kai said simply and returned to his meal.
"Roarke, don't leave us here!" 9-year-old Kai pleaded, tugging at his 15-year-old brother's sleeve. "Roarke, stay here with us!"
"Get off me, Kai," Roarke snapped. "I have a job, far from this place and I don't intend to come back ever. So get over it!" He took off down the road to where the black car was idling, hopped in and left.
Kai shivered slightly and returned to the present time. Just then, the phone rang again.
"If it's Roarke, hang up," Kai advised. "He'll get the message eventually."
Kirk picked up the phone. "Hello, Kirk speaking. Oh, hello, Stanley. What makes you call this fine holiday season?" He listened for a moment, then his expression turned stony. "Are you sure? Stanley, I really don't think this is a good idea. Don't tell me you're just doing your— oh. Oh. Well, yes, I'll tell him. It'll still be his choice, though, right? There's no forcing him if he doesn't want to? All right. Bye, Stanley. What? All right, what is it? What is that supposed to mean? Oh. That's not good. Stanley, this is not a good idea. What? Stanley, that's ridiculous. Since when have you people been in the business of moving kids from city to city without prior notice? If he's in the Tokyo end, then he's supposed to be. He's not? Well, where's he supposed to be then? Nagasaki?? Stanley, that's clear on the other coast! Are you sure you can't just talk them into letting him stay here? He absolutely has to go back? There's no question about it? I'm warning you, Stanley, this isn't good. Well, yes, I'll tell him, but I don't think he's going to be too pleased." Kirk hung up and stood up. "Rei, Kai, can I talk to you two for a moment?"
Kai had gotten the last part of the conversation: Nagasaki CWS had finally tracked him down to Tokyo and he was supposed to go back. Probably back to Kurasu. Geez, he didn't want to go back.
Please listen carefully and try to hear more than my words.
I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me.
But you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand.
"Don't even bother telling me," Kai said the moment they stepped into the rec room. "Nagasaki's tracked me down and demands me back to the custody of my mother and her husband. Correct?"
"Right." Kirk admitted.
"When?"
"The 19th."
"Wonderful." Kai muttered, stalking out of the room.
"Told Stanley it wasn't a good idea." Kirk grumbled, before returning his attention to Rei. "Rei, Stanley just called. He's said that Lian's called him."
Rei's face blanched. "What does she want?"
"She says that Nami's going to be getting married in a couple of weeks and she wants to take you out for the Christmas season to Nakoemi for the wedding."
"Do I get a choice in the matter?" Rei asked softly.
"Not really." Kirk admitted. "It was more a matter of 'go willingly or be dragged along'."
Rei sighed. "So I have to go."
"Yeah."
"Wonderful." Rei muttered and left the room silently.
Kirk groaned and returned to the kitchen to try and explain the situation to the rest of the family.
"But I don't want them to go! They hafta stay here!!"
Both Rei and Kai heard Marina's crying from their respective bedrooms. Rei had angrily thrown himself on his bed and was beating his pillow in frustration, while Kai had grabbed his sketch book and pencil and was continuing the work on his family drawing, etching in his stepfather's jeering face with angry, swift strokes of the pencil.
"Daddy, they can't go!!!" Griff wailed. "Mommy, make them stay here!!!"
Pictures don't do the ******* justice, Kai thought venomously. No matter how hard I try, he'll always be worse in real life.
Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging,
Each time you try to understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grow wings.
"Boys, come back down now, please," Regine called. "You haven't finished your dinners."
Silence greeted her from the second story.
Regine sighed and climbed up the stairs. "Rei, Kai, come out of your rooms now. I know you're upset, but we can't do anything about it right now. Get out here and act your age."
"You're going to turn me into a frigging nutcase!" Rei yelled as he stormed out. "I can't just keep being whipped back and forth!"
"Rei, watch your language!" Regine snapped. "Kai! Get out here!"
There was no answer from Kai's room, and when Regine opened the door, she found the room void of occupants, as well as Kai's duffel bag.
"Oh, not again."
Tala was surprised when he found Kai sitting on his bedroom floor after he returned from being dragged along to Melissa's skating lesson. "Oh, hi… what's going on?"
"What's going on?" Kai laughed dryly. "What's going on is only that my life is unraveling again. It figures. Thought I might actually get left alone if I left Nagasaki. Guess not."
"What happened?" Tala asked, flopping onto his bed.
"Nagasaki told Dickinson that I'm not supposed to be in Tokyo and now they're dragging me back to Nagasaki so I can go get the **** beaten out of me again."
"What did Kirk and Regine say?"
"Nothing." Kai snapped. "That's just it. They didn't say anything. No exultations, no 'Can't we get him to leave sooner?', no 'Too bad it's not juvenile hall', just… nothing!"
"Did it ever occur to you that they might actually want you to stay with him?" Tala asked.
"Yeah, well, I've learnt my lesson on that subject, many times." Kai muttered. "Nobody wants me. My own mother didn't even consider me important enough to fight for. My father and stepfather both despised me. My sisters and brothers abandoned us as soon as they hit 14. My family's really messed up, Tala. Be glad you have such a Normalson-type family."
"Right." Tala said. "Well maybe your stepfather's actually changed. Maybe your mother's finally left him."
"Maybe the world will turn purple and everybody will go around singing 'Supercalafragilisticexpialadocious'." Kai said mockingly.
"That would be funny," Tala said blandly.
"As is the idea of Kurasu being even halfway decent and my mother being her own person." Kai grumbled.
"Well, think about this for a second. How long have you been living with the Toshiros?"
"Since the 29th of October." Kai answered.
"And it's the 10th of December." Tala added. "So you've been in this home—"
"Exactly as long as I've been in three-quarters of the rest of my homes." Kai cut him off. "There's nothing much different about this home."
"Except in the fact these guys don't have a grudge against you." Tala reminded him. "They were probably going to let you stay with them."
"So?" Kai answered. "Same with Rosalina and the Aarons. Got sent back from both of them, didn't I?"
"Kai, I can't argue against Rosalina. But it wasn't the Aarons' fault they got sent back on home assignment and couldn't take you with them. Immigration would have given them a nasty time, plus Dickinson wouldn't have let them any way." Tala said calmly. "And you've gotten attached to the Toshiros. Don't even bother denying it. I saw how you protected those little guys."
"Tala, you were quivering in terror behind a wall," Kai told him.
"I still saw and heard everything." Tala mumbled, flushing.
With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding,
You can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty.
"Oh, hey, Kai," 18-year-old Nicholas greeted as he went past the door to Tala's room. "Moving in here, or something?"
"I may do so yet," Kai muttered.
"Oh, come on, Kai," Tala snorted. "You'll head back in a couple of days because you feel guilty about making Kirk and Regine worry."
"Do not," Kai mumbled.
"Do me a favour," Tala's father called from downstairs. "Call your foster parents this time?"
"You're where?" Rei asked dubiously. "All right. I'll tell them. Regine's ready to fly off the handle, I warn you."
"Rei, is that Kai?" Kirk asked as he entered the kitchen. "Give me the dang phone. Kai, where are you? Where the heck is that? How in the world did you get over there?"
"I walked." Kai answered.
"Uh-huh." Kirk muttered. "Where's the exact address? I want you back here now."
"I'm not telling you," Kai said indignantly. "I'll come back eventually, preferably after I'm supposed to leave for Nagasaki."
"Kai, don't argue with me on this one," Kirk snapped. "Give me the address now and when we get back home, you're grounded."
It will not be easy for you. The nearer you approach me,
The blinder I may strike back.
But I'm told that Love is stronger than strong walls,
And in this lies my only hope.
Regine was listening from the living room. They had tried to let Kai adjust by leaving him alone. They had tried to treat him the same as the other boys. They had tried treating him with a little more gentleness. Now it was time for tough love. This boy had been living on his own terms for far too long: he had no respect whatsoever for authority.
"Kai!" Kirk snapped again. "You're on strike three."
"Does it really matter?" Kai said cynically. "I'm leaving in a week."
"The address, Kai."
"I told you, I'll come back when I'm good and ready. I got along perfectly fine for fifteen years without you and your rules, and I'm fine on my own now."
"That might be true, Kai, but you're still our responsibility," Kirk sighed, rubbings his temples. "Now I'm going to ask you one last time. What's the address?"
Click. Kai hung up and Kirk threw the receiver back down on the holder. "Oh! I've had it with that boy!" he growled. "He's so difficult!"
He reentered the living room, where Regine was stretched out on the couch. "Where's everybody else?"
"Griff went over to Ryan's house for a while, Marina's over at Sarah's place, Max went to Tyson's and Rei's at Li's." Regine answered dully, eyes closed and cold pack over her eyes. "Try *69."
"Good idea." Kirk muttered. "I'll give it a while, so I hope I get one of the people who live wherever it is Kai's at."
Please try to beat down these walls with firm but gentle hands.
Half an hour, the phone rang at the Nanase house and Tala's mother got there before anybody else could've heard it. "Hello, Nanase household. Sorry, who is this? Oh, hello. Well, yes, Kai's still here. 3131 William Ave."
Kirk arrived at the house on the sly about half an hour later. Tala's father opened the door and invited him in.
"We don't mind," she assured Kirk when he apologized for Kai's inconveniencing their family. "He's been coming here for years. We've grown quite attached to him. Haven't been seeing very much of his for the past week or two, though. It must've been doing him some good, living with you."
"Yeah, well, Stanley's undone all that." Kirk muttered under his breath. He looked up as Kai and Tala both descended the staircase. Kai stopped dead at the sight of Kirk and looked fully ready to bolt, but he evidently realized he wouldn't be able to get away and sullenly left with Kirk.
"Kai, I don't believe you anymore." Kirk admonished on the drive home, Kai sulking in the passenger seat. "I thought you were coming around. Where would you have gone if the Nanases hadn't let you stay with them all those times? Hmm? What then?"
Kai didn't answer, glaring out the window.
"Kai, answer me." Kirk ordered. When Kai still didn't answer, Kirk pulled the Rav over to the side of the road. Kai finally made eye contact with Kirk, a questioning and apprehensive look in his eyes.
Kai's heart had stopped when Kirk pulled over. His heart was telling him that this guy wasn't like the other guys, he wouldn't be abandoning him on the side of the road; his brain was still having trouble wrapping itself around that concept.
"Kai, until I get some straight answers out of you, we are not moving another inch." Kirk finally said, putting the Rav into park, sitting back in his seat and crossing his arms across his chest. "We've got all week, if that's how long it takes. I'll warn you now, though, I don't like the prospect of staying out here all week."
There was a long silence in the Rav. Kirk finally broke it, saying, "Now what's really going on? It's more than just me dragging you back from the Nanases."
Kai still didn't answer.
This silence went on for about four hours, until Kai realized that Kirk was really going to go through with this. He wasn't joking when he said that they could, and would, stay out on the side of the road until the day he went back.
"Kai," Kirk finally spoke again.
"What?" Kai muttered.
"This has something to do with what's been going on this last week, doesn't it?" Kirk asked.
There was silence for a moment before Kai, at last, after fifteen long years of hardship, anguish and uncertainty; finally broke down.
Who am I, you may wonder.
I am every man you meet, and also every woman that you meet,
And I am you, as well.