He Who Fights With Monsters
By Thalia Drogna
Archer had called T'Pol and Lieutenant Reed to his ready room. He had to discuss the problem of Sharien and Shar Jen with someone, it had been eating at him ever since he had confined Sharien to her quarters with a guard.
"Well, as much as I'd like to, we can't lock her in the brig," said Reed, "it's already occupied. Of course there's always decon but that hardly seems like much of a punishment."
"I don't think decon is appropriate," said Archer. "Any sort of custodial sentence will mean we're stuck with her until we return to Earth and right now we don't know when that will be."
"Perhaps it would be best to continue with our original intent and leave her and Shar Jen on the new planet," said T'Pol.
"So Sharien gets to carry on her life as if nothing happened, while Trip lies in the brig unable to even communicate properly. That sounds fair," said Reed sarcastically, anger tingeing his voice. "Besides if we're discussing Sharien, we should also be discussing Shar Jen. She's the one who kidnapped the Commander in the first place."
"I know, Malcolm, but it comes back to the fact that we don't have the resources for taking long term prisoners at the moment. We're in the middle of the most important mission that we've ever undertaken and I can't worry about those two causing trouble all the time," said Archer.
"The Tien will most probably welcome Shar Jen home as a hero and no doubt the Kriel will view Sharien's actions equally favourably," said T'Pol.
"Perhaps we should give Sharien to the Tien and Shar Jen to the Kriel," said Reed, a glint of evil menace in his eye and a hint of a smile twisting his lips.
"I think that would come under the heading "cruel and unusual punishment", Lieutenant," replied Archer, not seeing the black humour that Reed had obviously found.
"It would also likely result in war between the Kriel and the Tien and the further loss of life," said T'Pol. "I understand your need to seek justice in this matter but you cannot judge an alien race on human standards. Neither Shar Jen nor Sharien believes that their actions were wrong in the context of the war between their peoples. We are not on Earth and we cannot apply the laws of Earth here."
"There must be something that we can do," said Reed. "We can't just let them go."
"I don't see that we have any other choice," said Archer. "T'Pol's right, this isn't Earth and we can't apply our laws here, but perhaps we can make Trip's sacrifice worthwhile. If it kills me, those two are going to sit down and talk to each other about peace."
His condition had a name, "aphasia", and it meant that he had impaired communication skills. The irony of Phlox having to take three tries before he understood what his condition was called was not lost on Trip. He also knew that he had a very narrow window in which to improve, if after a few months he hadn't regained his language abilities then the chances were that they would never come back. That scared him, but Hoshi's reassurances had helped him some. He knew that she was a great teacher and he wouldn't have wanted anyone else helping him.
She had explained to him in their session the way that things would work. They would spend most of their time trying to improve Trip's vocabulary since that was the area where he seemed to have lost most. However, she also wanted him to practice his conversation skills so they would be doing exercises, or role play as Hoshi had called it, to improve that area. She wouldn't help him finish his sentences unless he asked her, but he could take as long as he needed. If it helped, then drawing pictures, making gestures or writing was allowed, but only as a last resort.
The therapy didn't stop with Hoshi, everyone who had agreed to spend some time with Trip had been given the same instructions, make him talk to you, speak slowly, get him to name objects, don't talk over him, give him time to complete his sentences and don't finish them for him. Finally and most importantly check you have understood what he has said and let him know it. Frustration was one of the main things that they were fighting against and the more they could let Trip know that he was getting through the better. Hoshi had also discovered that he had a far easier time carrying on a conversation if there were no distractions or background noise.
Hoshi had just left after their second session and he was once more having the pleasure of T'Pol's company. It seemed to him that T'Pol had drawn the short straw in the "suicide watch" stakes, she was with him far more than any of the others. He was under no illusions about why he now had a constant companion, he knew that they were worried that he would hurt himself again, and to be honest they were right, if he could have found a way to try again he would have.
He desperately wanted the pain to end. He had lain there that morning trying to think of ways that he could kill himself, the problem was that while he was in the brig he couldn't put any of those ideas into action. He had thought about venting the atmosphere from the cell, or putting a phase pistol to his head, or finding a live relay to electrocute himself on, or blowing himself out of an airlock, or taking a walk on the catwalk while they were at warp, or using a broken padd to finish what he'd started on his wrists, or overdosing on one of the drugs that Phlox had given him, but none of those were practical at the moment. Perhaps he could get well enough to leave the brig, make them think that he was okay and wouldn't try again. Then he'd be free to do as he wanted and end it all. He looked for opportunities every minute of every day, but everyone was being too cautious, no one would leave so much as a glass of water within his reach. He could think of at least a dozen ways to kill himself with a broken glass, the first aid courses given at the Academy had been intended to teach where to apply pressure to stop bleeding but had also told him which were the right veins to slash if he wanted to die.
He knew that he'd been very unlucky before. He hadn't anticipated that Phlox would return so soon or that he would call Malcolm to unlock the door. Lieutenant Reed was probably the only person on Enterprise, excluding himself, who could have unlocked the door to the brig so quickly after Trip had scrambled its code. He doubted that even Hess could have done it in time.
Of course the nightmares had begun again with avengeance as soon as he'd been removed from the protection of the Rel Sevanne. He'd never really slept while he was part of the Rel Sevanne so there had been no dreams or nightmares. Why his subconscious seemed to be determined to torture him, he had no idea but it was. Sleep was something he was trying to avoid, along with talking. So far he hadn't been able to make Phlox understand that he didn't want to sleep or rest and he was beginning to dread the doctor coming into the cell with a hypospray.
"Commander," said T'Pol. "I wish to speak with you."
"Don't want to," said Trip.
"I believe Ensign Sato's instructions were that you should attempt to use proper sentences," said T'Pol.
"Not gonna," said Trip, sounding for all the world like a petulant child. He just didn't want to talk to T'Pol, he had to concentrate so hard to understand her and he was just too tired. Not physically tired, but mentally.
T'Pol turned on her padd and switched it into dictation mode so that Trip could also read what she was going to say. Trip didn't take the padd and left it lying by his side.
"I found your attempt to take your own life very illogical," said T'Pol. Trip turned his head to look at T'Pol, his eyes wide with surprise at her blunt confrontation. "Perhaps you could explain to me why you did it."
Trip remained silent.
"If you refuse to talk to me I cannot help you," said T'Pol.
"D-d-did...the doctor...put you up to this?" asked Trip, crossly.
"Yes," said T'Pol. "He suggested that I speak to you."
That wasn't the answer that Trip had expected. He hadn't expected T'Pol to tell him the truth, but then she was a Vulcan and, according to what he'd heard, Vulcans did not lie.
"It hurts," he said simply as if that would explain everything.
"I do not understand," said T'Pol. She held the padd for Trip to take once more. He sighed and took it.
"Rel Sevanne, home, and it's gone," said Trip, and he could feel the tears welling in his eyes even as he said the words. He missed it so much.
"Do you remember what you felt when Shar Jen first suggested to you becoming part of the Rel Sevanne's computer?" asked T'Pol.
Trip nodded. He remembered, but he couldn't have been more wrong, the Rel Sevanne was wonderful. Being part of the computer was like being part of a family that you knew would always love you and care for you. He instinctively reached out for a connection but found none and that just reminded him of what he'd lost.
"You did not want to become part of the computer. You told me that you were worried that the nanites would control you. You were worried that you were becoming less human, you feared that you were turning into a computer. By being conjoined with the Rel Sevanne you became part of a computer, exactly what you feared most," said T'Pol.
Trip closed his eyes. He had felt threatened by the nanites and he hadn't wanted to become part of the computer, turn himself into something that wasn't human. How did he reconcile those feelings with his feelings about the loss of the Rel Sevanne? He didn't know. Something wasn't right.
"Your humanity was subsumed by the machine, everything that you feared, it happened," said T'Pol. She knew she had reached something inside him by reminding him of this incident. The question was would it be enough to shake him out of his current state.
Trip opened his eyes and looked at T'Pol. "It's gone," he said. "It was like home." Then he was quiet and T'Pol didn't know how to continue. She thought she had seen a flicker of doubt cross his face but then his final comment made her wonder if she had got through at all.
"Commander, you must face reality," she said. "The Xindi still threaten Earth. Enterprise needs you."
"Can't...work... like this," said Trip, desperately searching for the words to tell T'Pol what he felt.
"Your mind is still intact," replied T'Pol. "We will find some way to accommodate your disability."
Trip looked at T'Pol and shook his head. "Not enough," he said. He closed his eyes as his body was suddenly wrapped in pain, he tried to hide it from T'Pol but she spotted it immediately. The padd dropped from his fingers as the sensation consumed his entire body. The nanites were relaying anxious messages to him, asking him what the situation was and if they could help. He was too occupied by the screaming of his agonised nerves to reply to the nanites. He tried to curl up to get some relief but his body wouldn't do what he wanted it to.
"I will get the doctor," said T'Pol.
"No," said Trip, trying to reach out for her, but she had already stepped away from the bed and his damaged nerves weren't fast enough to follow her. He suspected that the doctor would only want to knock him out once again and he didn't want that. T'Pol looked at him but called Phlox nonetheless.
Phlox appeared and scanned Trip. The pain was getting worse and had spread over his entire body. It felt like fire creeping down his veins, burning him from the inside. Pain had been with him ever since he had awoken but it had never been as intense as this, Phlox's painkillers had made sure of that. Trip had wondered what else the doctor had been giving him in the drip that was constantly plugged into his arm, but he hadn't been able to understand the doctor's explanation.
"I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment, but this is actually a very good sign," said Phlox. "I believe that your motor neurones are regenerating and that is what is causing the pain that you are experiencing."
"Getting better?" asked Trip, a note of hope entering his voice.
"Yes, you're getting better in at least that respect," said Phlox and he was rewarded with a small smile from his patient, the first genuine smile that he'd seen. Anything that the Commander could feel was a good sign, even if it was unpleasant. "Now let me give you something for the pain."
"No," said Trip, shrinking back against his pillows, and shakily raising a hand. "No more sleeping." He hoped that he had made himself understood, but Phlox looked as if he was still intent on giving Trip the injection.
"Mr Tucker has been experiencing nightmares again, especially while under sedation," said T'Pol and Trip wondered how she knew. She had been there most times when he'd woken recently but he certainly hadn't expected her to know how badly the nightmares were troubling him.
"Really?" said Phlox with interest. He left the cell and returned a few moments later. "This is just a painkiller, it won't make you sleep."
Trip relaxed a little and let the doctor inject him with the hypospray. It worked quickly and he did start to feel the pain recede without the usual accompanying sleepiness. Trust, he realised, was important, he had trusted the doctor to take care of him and do as he'd asked, once T'Pol had explained.
"You will need to rest at some point," said Phlox. "But we'll wait until you go to sleep naturally."
Trip nodded. That he could cope with, but the constant drugged sleepiness that he had been experiencing over the past few days was what he had feared. He didn't like it and was beginning to wonder if that was just down to the nightmares or if there was something else that worried him about it. T'Pol's words had made him consider some things that he hadn't been unwilling to think about before and he was making connections in his mind that he hadn't previously made. He wasn't even sure that he wanted to think about the things that T'Pol had raised but it seemed that he had no choice.
T'Pol left Trip when Lieutenant Reed arrived for his shift with the Commander. She made her way to Shar Jen's quarters to collect the Tien Artificer and continue their research. She had been satisfied with the way that her first discussion with the Commander had gone. She had not expected too much to begin with, but had at least managed to get some answers and made him think. She knew that some of her points had made it through.
She accompanied Shar Jen to the Command Centre and they began their work once more. Hoshi had now managed to translate the rest of the database with the help of the Universal Translator program. It was now simply a matter of searching the database for what they needed.
"Found it," shouted Shar Jen. They had been working for hours when Shar Jen made the exclamation and T'Pol was in no mood to be played with.
"Have you discovered the relevant passages?" asked the Vulcan, sounding considerably calmer than she felt.
"Yes," said Shar Jen, "although I doubt that you will like what it says."
T'Pol read the section which Shar Jen brought up on the screen for her. "This is a procedure for wiping memories," said T'Pol.
"Yes, that is how her recovery was accomplished. They made her forget that she was ever part of the computer. A combination of drugs and Tien empathic catharsis were used to isolate the memories and remove them," said Shar Jen.
"I do not think that Commander Tucker will be receptive to such an invasive procedure," said T'Pol. "There must be another way. We will resume our search."
"Sub-commander, this is it. There is no other way, we will not find any more references to a disconnected Patriarch, there was only one in the entire history of Tien," said Shar Jen. "We know what happened to the Vor Devrees Patriarch who was disconnected, he committed suicide. Can Shu tried several times to end her own life but the Tien prevented her and eventually she was able to lead a normal life."
"I am aware of that," said T'Pol. "However there are ethical considerations to this line of treatment. Ultimately we must obtain the Commander's permission for this and I do not believe that he will give it to us. The Tien may not have had concerns about deleting a person's memories against their will but I have no doubt that the Captain will. Commander Tucker does not even realise the damage which his time as part of the Rel Sevanne has done to his perceptions."
"I can guarantee that if we don't do something then he will try to take his own life again," said Shar Jen. "And next time he could well succeed. Is it better to let him try again or to save his life?"