He Who Fights With Monsters
By Thalia Drogna
Reed was taking Trip through the daily reports. It was his idea to try and make Trip realise that he was still part of the crew and had everything to live for. The only problem was that it was hard work for both of them, Reed had to explain everything at least twice and Trip was getting annoyed by his inability to understand. Reed decided to give up, it wasn't helping Trip and, if anything, was making matters worse.
"Okay," said Reed. "Let's leave these for the moment." The padd Trip was holding displayed what he'd just said and Trip sighed in relief and nodded. "How about we do something different?"
"What?" asked Trip, in an annoyed tone. Reed understood that Trip didn't just mean "what", he meant "what the hell can we do when I can't even form a coherent sentence". Reed was getting used to the frustrated exclamations from his friend. He picked up a stylus and began to draw on his padd. It was tricky with his broken arm but he managed. Trip watched with interest and when Reed was done he passed the padd to him. It was a reasonably accurate diagram of the warp core and beside it was a list of equations. Trip recognised it as a problem in warp theory like the kind they made cadets solve at the academy. He looked up at Reed a question in his eyes. Hoshi hadn't tested his numerical abilities but he didn't seem to be having any trouble with understanding the equations.
"Go on then, Commander," said Reed. "I know you have a calculator in your head so you've got no excuses."
Trip looked down at the padd again, and he realised that it wasn't quite as simple as he'd first thought. In fact what Reed had given him was looking interesting. He started to work through it. It took a while and it was certainly not easy, but then if it had been it wouldn't have been any fun and he suspected that Malcolm knew that all along. He checked in with the nanites and they helped him out with the raw maths but he worked through the solution on his own. Reed saw Trip's miserable, disinterested eyes light up again at the prospect of working on a puzzle and he watched it all with fascination.
Trip finally finished up, circling his answer with a couple of strokes of the stylus and handed it to the Lieutenant with a certain amount of satisfaction.
"Trip, you just solved a problem that Lieutenant Hess has been working on for the past three days," said Reed. "The Vor Devrees explosion knocked something out of kilter down in Engineering and the warp engine hasn't been running right since. We haven't been able to go over warp three. Hess came to me yesterday to see if I had a fresh perspective on the problem, I'm not a warp theory specialist so I couldn't help her. You've just worked out the solution to the problem in less than two hours."
Trip looked at Reed. He picked up the stylus again and almost grabbed the padd back from Reed. Now that he knew what he'd been working on, he had a few other things to add to his solution. After some frantic scribbling he handed the padd back again.
Reed read what it said. "3 days!!?" Then there was a small picture of a stick figure in a dunce's cap. Reed laughed. The picture was followed by a list of parts and some diagrams. And at the bottom it said, "no more than 12 hours' work or she's lying." Reed knew Trip expected his staff to work hard and he didn't like it when people didn't give it their all. Hess had done her best, but she just wasn't Trip and that was the problem, no one knew the engine like the Chief Engineer. Reed smiled at his friend, it looked as if the old Trip might be closer to the surface than they'd thought. And Trip grinned back at him, happy for the first time since he'd left the Rel Sevanne.
"I'll be sure to pass this on to the Captain," said Reed. He had no doubt that the Captain would also be interested to hear Trip's estimate of how long it should take to make the necessary alterations since Hess had a tendency to overestimate.
"What's that Malcolm?" asked a voice from the doorway.
"Captain," said Trip, pleased that he could at least remember his friend's rank even if he couldn't get his name from the dark recesses of his brain.
"The Commander has just sorted out that problem that we've been having with the warp engine," said Reed and passed the padd to the Captain. A brief, almost imperceptible, look of amusement crossed Archer's face.
"I'll get Hess on it," he said, as if he wasn't holding a padd with a picture of a stickman on it. "It's my turn to spend some time with Trip," he added.
Reed got up to vacate the seat beside Trip and he stepped out of the cell so that he could have a quick word with the Captain before he took over. The Captain had spent the past few hours on shuttle diplomacy between the Shar Jen and Sharien and he looked exhausted, but Reed wanted to know how the peace talks were going. The women had currently refused to even sit down in the same room together.
Trip yawned, despite himself. He didn't want to sleep but he knew that the virus had taken it's toll on his body and he was still very weak. He was very aware of how much sleep he seemed to need, much more than usual and he didn't like it. He missed the wakeful state that the Rel Sevanne induced but of course that wasn't the only thing he missed.
Reed and Archer were standing just outside the door of the cell and neither of them were paying attention to Trip. He knew that Phlox was also just outside the cell but this was the first time he'd been even vaguely on his own since the suicide attempt. He looked for something that he could use, and while he thought he contacted the nanites, who responded instantly to him.
"I need you to project the jamming field again. Fool the medical scanners into thinking that they're reading my biosigns," said Trip in his mind. It was so much easier talking to the nanites who only required concepts from him rather than actual words.
"Acknowledged," said the nanites. "Jamming."
He looked down at the padd in his hands and remembered how quick Hoshi had been to pick up the sharp pieces of the one he had broken. The bed he lay on had metal sides to it and he knew the padd would break on it. He took the padd and smashed it as hard as he could against the railing. It produced a beautiful, jagged shard; just what he needed. He didn't have time to finish what he'd started on his wrists, this time he planned to hit his heart, he didn't think that even Phlox would be able to save him if he accomplished that.
Except that he never got a chance to get any further, Lieutenant Reed had grabbed his hand with the shard in it. He hadn't even noticed that Archer and Reed had finished their conversation.
"Trip, no!" said Reed. He struggled with the determined Engineer who seemed to have found extra strength from somewhere. The sound of Trip smashing the padd had alerted him to trouble.
"Trip, stop it!" said Archer, grabbing the other arm, and the two officers held Trip down as he continued to writhe under their grip. The doctor appeared with a hypospray and once again Trip found himself descending into a drug induced haze of nightmares.
Archer and Reed only let go of Trip once they were sure that the sedative had taken effect.
"I'm going to have to put him in restraints," said Phlox. "Now that his movement abilities are improving, he's only going to become more intent on finding ways to harm himself."
"T'Pol came to me earlier with the results of her research from the Rel Sevanne archive," said Archer. "I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I shouldn't have been quite so quick to dismiss what she had to say."
"What was her proposal?" asked Phlox.
"That we wipe his memory of the entire incident," said Archer. "If he can't remember being part of the Rel Sevanne then he wouldn't remember the brainwashing either. It's how they were able to save the Tien Matriarch that was disconnected. Shar Jen believes that she can perform the procedure on Trip."
"I don't think Trip will agree to that," said Reed. "He'll think of it as losing part of himself."
"Then maybe we shouldn't give him the choice," said Archer.
"Captain, you know that Denobulan medical ethics does not let me treat a patient against his will," said Phlox.
"But surely if a patient isn't able to give their consent, if their mental state is impaired, then you have the ability to overrule what they want," said Archer.
"Yes, in those cases we do have the ability to do what is best for the patient without his or her consent but I'm not sure that applies in this case. Commander Tucker is completely lucid and aware of his situation," said Phlox.
"But, doctor, he was the victim of brainwashing," said Reed. "He isn't himself."
"Just because he isn't himself doesn't mean that he doesn't understand what is going on. Would you consider someone mad if they believe in god? There is no way to prove that a deity exists but we do not consider those who hold religious beliefs to be insane. I won't let him harm himself, but I won't do anything that he has expressly indicated he does not want," said Phlox.
"And if I order you to?" asked Archer.
"I still would not go against my patient's wishes, unless you can demonstrate to me that he really is unable to make decisions for himself," said Phlox. "Some cultures would even argue that I should have let the Commander commit suicide, but I do not believe that suicide is a rational act under any circumstances."
"How would you assess if Trip is able to make the decision for himself?" asked Archer.
"There are some tests that I can perform to ascertain whether his thinking is logical and clear," said Phlox. "But he really has shown no sign that his reasoning skills are damaged. T'Pol made some progress with him earlier and I believe that with further work we will be able to break the Rel Sevanne's conditioning."
"The problem is keeping him alive until then," said Archer. "I know Trip, he's not going to give up." He didn't add that Enterprise needed its Chief Engineer back and they didn't have time to waste, they needed to resume their mission and for that they needed Trip.
"Commander Tucker is very resourceful," said Reed. "If he really wants to, then he'll find a way eventually."
"I fear you may be right," said Phlox.
"Doctor, I want you to review T'Pol and Shar Jen's data. Find a way to make this work for Trip. I'll try and talk him into it but if I can't then we may have to go ahead without his consent," said Archer, and he knew that if they did go ahead with it without Trip's consent then he might just hate himself for the rest of his life.
"But Captain, I just cannot allow you to do this without consent," said Phlox.
"Doctor, either you do this or I confine you to your quarters for insubordination and get Shar Jen to do it without your supervision. We can't complete this mission without Trip," said Archer. "I'm sure that Shar Jen will be only too happy to help."
"Captain..." began Reed.
"No, Malcolm, I've made my decision," said Archer. "Well Doctor?"
"You don't leave me any choice. I'd be placing the Commander in more danger if I allow Shar Jen to perform the procedure without my supervision," said Phlox.
"How long before Trip wakes up?" asked Archer.
"An hour or so. I didn't give him a very strong dose," said Phlox.
"I'll wait," said Archer and sat down on the chair beside Trip's bed.
Reed and Phlox exchanged looks before they exited the cell and left Archer alone with the sleeping, suicidal Engineer.
Trip dreamt dark, twisted dreams. Everything was tangled together. Images of his time with the Xindi mixed in with images from the Rel Sevanne battle. Emotions clouded everything and he struggled to escape them. Finally he clawed his way to the surface and awoke gasping for air.
He found that his wrists were tied down, he struggled briefly against the restraints before he remembered what had happened. He'd tried again. But they'd stopped him. He should be dead but he wasn't. Why did they keep stopping him and bringing him back to this existence where there was only misery and solitude.
"Trip," said a voice beside him, he turned to look and saw the Captain sitting beside him. "It's okay, you're going to be fine. We just had to put the restraints on to stop you from hurting yourself." Archer put out a hand and rested it on Trip's shoulder. Trip felt the touch, which he knew had to be a good sign, the nerve damage was healing, but he wasn't happy about being restrained.
"Take them off," he said.
"Sorry, but they have to stay on for the moment," said Archer. "We need to talk." Archer helped Trip sit up and repositioned the pillows behind him to prop him up. Then he took another pillow, put it on Trip's lap and balanced a padd against it. Trip sighed theatrically, he knew that this meant it was going to be a serious conversation that he had to try and follow. Usually between listening carefully and reading slowly, he could get the meaning of what someone was saying to him. He had been pleasantly surprised to discover that his ability to understand math and numbers seemed unimpaired, but that didn't help with everyday conversation.
"Shar Jen and T'Pol discovered a way to help you. There was a Tien matriarch that they disconnected from their computer and she tried to kill herself too, but they stopped her and eventually she led a normal life. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yes, Captain," said Trip, sounding almost like his old self.
"Your emotions are confused regarding the Rel Sevanne because the computer was brainwashing you into believing that it was a good place to be. We can't undo what Shar Jen did to you, but we can erase your memories of being part of the computer and erase the brainwashing. It would be like you were never conjoined," said Archer. Trip caught up with what Archer was saying and began to shake his head.
"No, don't want to," said Trip. "The Rel Sevanne was like home." He thought hard for a moment, search the depths of his mind for the words that he wanted to say. "I don't want to forget it, it was the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Archer listened carefully, the sentence that Trip had just strung together was the longest thing that he'd managed to say since he'd been back. He knew it had to have been an effort. "Trip, you don't understand. You'd be back to your old self, it would be like it never happened."
"But it did happen," replied Trip. "I don't want to forget," he repeated.
"Are you telling me that you won't agree to it?" asked Archer. "This could save your life."
"I don't want to live," replied Trip.
"How long until we reach the planet?" T'Pol asked Mayweather.
"Lieutenant Hess thinks that she'll have the Engine running at top speed again in about twelve hours and we should reach the planet about forty eight hours after that," replied the helmsman.
Captain Archer stepped out of the turbo lift. T'Pol immediately rose to vacate the Captain's chair. "T'Pol, I need to speak with you," said the Captain.
T'Pol inclined her head in acknowledgement. "Ensign, you have the bridge," she said to Mayweather.
"Aye, Sub-commander," replied Mayweather.
T'Pol followed Archer into his ready room. Archer stood staring out of the window in a position T'Pol had come to know well. She wasn't going to like what he had to say. "What did you wish to discuss, Captain?" asked T'Pol.
"I spoke to Trip about the memory deletion procedure. He refused to agree to it. I ordered Phlox to go ahead without Trip's consent," said Archer, his voice devoid of emotion.
"I will alert Shar Jen," said T'Pol.
"Is that all you have to say?" asked Archer, turning to face his first officer.
"I am sure you have already discussed this with the doctor," said T'Pol.
"I have. He wasn't very happy. But I wanted to know your opinion," said Archer.
"You are aware that if we force him to do this then we are following the same course of action as Shar Jen when she conjoined the Commander with the Rel Sevanne," said T'Pol.
"Damn it, T'Pol, it isn't like that. We're doing what's best for him," said Archer.
"I did not believe when Shar Jen suggested this course of action that you would support her. I thought that you would respect the Commander's rights and wishes," said T'Pol. "You have always held the concept of free will very highly, in my experience, and I am interested as to why you have now discarded it."
"Free will is important, but sometimes it isn't the top priority. Trip's too ill to make this decision for himself," said Archer.
"Did the doctor agree with your assessment?" asked T'Pol and Archer knew that she already had the answer to that question.
"No, he didn't agree. He thinks that Trip understands his situation well enough to make his own decisions, but he was brainwashed, T'Pol," said Archer. "He wants to die because he believes the Rel Sevanne was his true calling, because it was the best thing that ever happened to him and nothing will ever be as good."
"The doctor and I believe that conventional therapy will eventually help the Commander," said T'Pol.
"Eventually. We don't have time. He tried to kill himself again, earlier. Trip is a determined individual and I'm worried he'll find a way and we won't be able to stop him. Either that or we'll have to keep him locked up in the brig for good and I don't think I can do that to him," said Archer. "Enterprise needs her Chief Engineer."
"Essentially you are saying that in order to save Earth, we need Commander Tucker, and that as the human saying goes 'desperate times require desperate measures,' " said T'Pol.
"Exactly," said Archer.
"Shar Jen told us that the only reason she kidnapped Trip was to save her people. I am having difficulty discerning the difference between these two positions," said T'Pol. "You condemned Shar Jen for conjoining Trip but we are about to force him into undergoing a medical procedure that he does not want. On Vulcan these two would be considered equally reprehensible."
"As you keep on telling me, we're not on Vulcan and we're not on Earth. I will use any means necessary to complete this mission," said Archer.
"Perhaps you should examine your motivations. Are you doing this for the mission or because you do not wish to lose the Commander?" asked T'Pol.
"Of course I don't want to lose him," said Archer, "he's my friend. And every time I go down to the brig I'm reminded just how close I came to never seeing him again. But saving Earth comes above that."
"The mission is of great importance but so is what is best for Commander Tucker. You once told me that there was no point in saving humanity if you lost what makes you human in the process," replied T'Pol.
"Well, maybe I was wrong about that. Perhaps I can't avoid losing some of my humanity to the Expanse, but if I can save Earth even that will be worth it," said Archer.