Author's notes, author's notes: hi! This is Kat :D I'm only here for a
moment. Alaina wants to show me something. See ya! Right. So. I'm back.
Again. Kat's holding my cat. Ha! Haha! Get it? She's Kat. And she's holding
my cat. It's 1:45 in the morning; I'm tired, shut up. We're watching Johnny
Depp movies! Yay. Well, one so far. Benny & Joon. And Romeo + Juliet. And
now we're watching Dead Man. Well, Kat is. I'm, obviously, typing. And
digressing. Lots. So, where was I?
And for anybody who's doubted our insanity up until now, we've decided to post a spoof. Of our own story. It's going to be really funny, promise. I mean, it has to be. The sole purpose of writing it was to give a story the title "Or a Moron with a Big Stick."
Hey, are any of you American? Because Kat wanted to know if you get Columbus Day off, or if it's just one of those holidays where you go to school. Those holidays suck. And technically, aren't really holidays, but whatever.
We've recently discovered that, cruel as they are, cliffhangers lead to very responsive reviews. Buah ha! So, aren't you all simply DYING to know what happens next? You know you are. Don't you just wish I'd shut up, and get on with the goddamned story? Huh? Dontcha? Dontcha?? Okay, I'll stop now before you kill me.
Here's a Jack quote. And, so you don't kill me, I'll respond to the reviews later.
"Oh, so it is that you've found a girl. I see. Well, if you're intending to brave all, hasten to her rescue and so win fair lady's heart you'll have to do it alone, mate. I see no profit in it for me."
*
Something about it disturbed him horribly. Seeing the two of them, father and daughter, so alike in looks and personality, both hanging there, struggling for air, something inside him snapped. Almost before he realized what he'd done, Norrington raced forward, cutting Jack Sparrow loose, just as the captain lost consciousness.
Jade smiled distantly, knowing her father was alive and glad at least one of them would see the ocean once more. She closed her eyes, fully expecting never to open them again.
Instead she was startled as air filled her lungs, a body supporting hers that she might live to sing again. She looked down to see her future husband holding her up.
"Remind me to thank you later," she whispered hoarsely. He nodded, and handed her a knife, which she used to cut the rope from above. She fell to the ground, staring up at him for a moment. "I thought I told you to stay on the Pearl."
"Whatever happened to thank you?"
Jack Sparrow, meanwhile, had regained consciousness and some idea of what was occurring. He climbed rather unsteadily to his feet, still breathing heavily.
"Now as much as I hate to interrupt your young love, may I strongly suggest we remove ourselves from the immediate area before the young ponces-in- training regain some semblance of order?" It was true that the officers seemed clueless as to what actions to follow, particularly after Norrington's odd behaviour. The trio took advantage of this opportunity to race off. Norrington, still remaining where he had stopped after cutting Jack free, only watched them go.
*
By the time Norrington's men had regained order, the Pearl was long gone. Once more, Jade sought out Anamaria in her cabin.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Of course," Anamaria answered.
"You must swear on pain of death not to tell another."
"I swear."
"Especially not my father."
"I won't."
"And-"
"Jade." Anamaria stopped her ramblings. "What is it?"
With a deep sigh, Jade pulled the chain bearing her ring from under her shirt. Anamaria's eyebrows raised.
"So you've finally done something about it? Good to see you've come to your senses."
Jade nodded, unable to keep back the grin fighting across her face. "But Anamaria, what am I supposed to do about Dad? I'd rather prefer it if my fiancée lived." She stopped suddenly, laughing. "My fiancée. He's my fiancée. I'm getting married."
Anamaria smiled at the girl she had watched grow up. "Provided you can keep him safe from your father."
Jade sobered, staring broodingly out the window.
*
She was in almost the exact same stance as she stood staring over the bow hours later. Jack Turner, her fiancée, came over, leaning beside her and playing with the rings on her fingers. Absently, she fished out her engagement ring.
"I have to tell him, Jack."
"Maybe the shock will kill him?" he suggested rather hopefully. She smacked him.
"That's not funny!"
"Sorry."
Jade stood there, staring into his eyes as he brushed back her hair. "Do your parents know?"
He grinned rather sheepishly. "They knew before you did. I told them first. In fact, I think they knew before I did."
Jade laughed. "Well, here goes nothing," she said, turning in the direction of her father's cabin. On impulse, she turned back to him. "Just in case, you may want to find a place to hide. Like a rowboat."
*
Jade entered her father's cabin casually, shutting the door behind her. Jack looked up in what would have been surprise if not for the fact that Captain Jack Sparrow was never surprised, savvy?
"Yes love?"
"Father, I need to tell you something." Jack looked at her expectantly. "Now. I want you to keep an open mind and remember that this is very important to me."
"What is it?" Jack asked, eyes narrowing slightly.
In response, Jade took out the ring, pulling off the necklace and handing it to him.
The resulting howl could probably be heard in Port Royal, if not London as well. At the very least, the entire ship heard it, and Jack Turner's eyes widened in fear.
"I don't believe it!" Jack Sparrow cried, jumping to his feet. "I'll kill him. I will KILL him."
Jade raced in front of him, blocking the door with her body. "Daddy, you will not kill my fiancée."
Jack stopped suddenly, staring at her for a moment. "Your fiancée," he whined.
"Yes Daddy. My fiancée."
"Alright!" he announced. "That's it. I'm putting my foot down. You are not allowed to get married."
"Not even if it's something I really, really want?"
"I was hoping you wouldn't say that."
"Please Daddy? It is something I really, really want."
"No," Jack said, sounding like a whining child. "I don't want you to."
"Father."
"No. Just... no. You're far too young."
"You're being ridiculous."
"I am not! You're my baby girl. You're not allowed to get married. It's against the pirate rules."
"That's a lie, and since when have I followed the rules at any rate?"
"Well it's about time you started. You'll ruin my good name."
"Father, you don't have a good name."
Jack waved his arms emphatically. "That's irrelevant, and beside the point to boot." Jade rolled her eyes. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to kill that bastard."
"Jack is not a bastard, Daddy. Will and Elizabeth were married for a full two years before he was born"
The captain's arms waved madly in the air before he finally collapsed back in his chair. Grasping a bottle of rum, he stared into it bitterly.
"Alrightmarryhimthem," he muttered.
"What was that?" Jade asked.
"I SAID," Jack paused, taking a deep breath, "Fine. Go ahead. Marry the ba- him."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Bleedin' Christ girl, how many bloody times are you going to make me say it?"
Jade moved to kneel beside her father. "And I have your blessings?"
He sighed resignedly. "Yes, you have my blessings."
Jade kissed his cheek before standing to exit the room. Just before opening the door, she paused for a moment, looking back at him.
"I love you, Daddy."
"I love you too, darling."
*
Some time later, Will entered the room to find his friend starting on another bottle of rum, empty ones strewn around him.
"It'll be alright, Jack."
Captain Sparrow tipped his head back, taking a huge swig of the drink.
"No it won't."
Will smiled. "'Course it will. It's only marriage."
"You say that as if it's a good thing."
"Isn't it?"
"No. Look at me. I spent my whole life without any such bonds, and I'm normal."
"Normal is a relative term." To Jack's surprise, Will crossed the room, sitting opposite Jack and taking a huge swig of rum himself. "Elizabeth's feeling ill again. I'm worried."
"See where marriage gets you? You spend your life worrying about someone else."
"Jack."
"Sorry mate." Jack looked up at him reassuringly. "I'm sure she's fine."
"She hasn't been this sick since Jack was born." To his surprise, Jack burst out laughing. "What on earth is so funny?"
"She hasn't been this sick since Jack was born?" he repeated, looking at Will carefully. "Think about it, mate."
Will's eyes widened. "You don't think..."
"Oh yes I do."
They both began to laugh then, until they couldn't breathe.
"I don't believe this," Will gasped.
"I knew you weren't a eunuch all along. You knew that, right?"
*
And now for the neglected reviewers (in all honesty, do you guys even read these):
Harrypotter4ever: Oh relax. C'mon, we can't kill them. We've tried, countless times. It just doesn't work. I mean, it's Jack, man. Not just Jack, it's Captain Jack Sparrow! He's immortal. Which brings me to this interesting theory about Johnny Depp... oh, never mind.
Bratprincess: No, you haven't been watching too much Simpsons at all... Depravity and, uh... distinction? I don't know what I'm prattling on about. It's 3:45 in the morning. Oh, and by the way, it's depravity and depredation. Don't ask how I know.
LotRseer3350: Your first review was so sweet... naïve... you had no idea of what was to come in the next chapter. God, I am SO melodramatic. Rubber chickens are dangerous to one's health, especially when you hit authors in the head with them. Who knows, you could make us insane (as in, more insane than we already are. Clinically insane, or what have you. Kat and I actually had an interesting discussion about that, and how it's only really clinically insane if you go to a clinic and they say you're insane. So we're safe provided we stay away from any clinics) and then we wouldn't be ABLE to write. Then where would you be?
Scarlett Red Rose: *Sob* But we're NOT unpredictable. People guessed what we were going to do. Of course, then again, it may be that we're being unpredictable in our predictability, as it were.
Szhismine: Yeah, we really are mean, aren't we? But hey, at least we didn't wait a year to update again. And Happy Thanksgiving! And yes, it really is Thanksgiving this time! 3:55 on a Monday morning, but it still counts!
LuvlyGRLofLIFE: That review just amused me. That's all I can say. It amused me. A lot.
Someone:): We didn't let him die. So now you absolutely HAVE to review. Because you practically promised, and that's almost the same as ACTUALLY promising, so go review. Please?
Lenore Raven: Don't kill us! Because then we can't write anymore, so we can't update, so you can't find out if they live or not. This would have much more effect if it was posted BEFORE the chapter.
Surge1: New reviewer, new reviewer! Happy dance! This is a brilliant story? We feel so loved! Thank you!
And for anybody who's doubted our insanity up until now, we've decided to post a spoof. Of our own story. It's going to be really funny, promise. I mean, it has to be. The sole purpose of writing it was to give a story the title "Or a Moron with a Big Stick."
Hey, are any of you American? Because Kat wanted to know if you get Columbus Day off, or if it's just one of those holidays where you go to school. Those holidays suck. And technically, aren't really holidays, but whatever.
We've recently discovered that, cruel as they are, cliffhangers lead to very responsive reviews. Buah ha! So, aren't you all simply DYING to know what happens next? You know you are. Don't you just wish I'd shut up, and get on with the goddamned story? Huh? Dontcha? Dontcha?? Okay, I'll stop now before you kill me.
Here's a Jack quote. And, so you don't kill me, I'll respond to the reviews later.
"Oh, so it is that you've found a girl. I see. Well, if you're intending to brave all, hasten to her rescue and so win fair lady's heart you'll have to do it alone, mate. I see no profit in it for me."
*
Something about it disturbed him horribly. Seeing the two of them, father and daughter, so alike in looks and personality, both hanging there, struggling for air, something inside him snapped. Almost before he realized what he'd done, Norrington raced forward, cutting Jack Sparrow loose, just as the captain lost consciousness.
Jade smiled distantly, knowing her father was alive and glad at least one of them would see the ocean once more. She closed her eyes, fully expecting never to open them again.
Instead she was startled as air filled her lungs, a body supporting hers that she might live to sing again. She looked down to see her future husband holding her up.
"Remind me to thank you later," she whispered hoarsely. He nodded, and handed her a knife, which she used to cut the rope from above. She fell to the ground, staring up at him for a moment. "I thought I told you to stay on the Pearl."
"Whatever happened to thank you?"
Jack Sparrow, meanwhile, had regained consciousness and some idea of what was occurring. He climbed rather unsteadily to his feet, still breathing heavily.
"Now as much as I hate to interrupt your young love, may I strongly suggest we remove ourselves from the immediate area before the young ponces-in- training regain some semblance of order?" It was true that the officers seemed clueless as to what actions to follow, particularly after Norrington's odd behaviour. The trio took advantage of this opportunity to race off. Norrington, still remaining where he had stopped after cutting Jack free, only watched them go.
*
By the time Norrington's men had regained order, the Pearl was long gone. Once more, Jade sought out Anamaria in her cabin.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Of course," Anamaria answered.
"You must swear on pain of death not to tell another."
"I swear."
"Especially not my father."
"I won't."
"And-"
"Jade." Anamaria stopped her ramblings. "What is it?"
With a deep sigh, Jade pulled the chain bearing her ring from under her shirt. Anamaria's eyebrows raised.
"So you've finally done something about it? Good to see you've come to your senses."
Jade nodded, unable to keep back the grin fighting across her face. "But Anamaria, what am I supposed to do about Dad? I'd rather prefer it if my fiancée lived." She stopped suddenly, laughing. "My fiancée. He's my fiancée. I'm getting married."
Anamaria smiled at the girl she had watched grow up. "Provided you can keep him safe from your father."
Jade sobered, staring broodingly out the window.
*
She was in almost the exact same stance as she stood staring over the bow hours later. Jack Turner, her fiancée, came over, leaning beside her and playing with the rings on her fingers. Absently, she fished out her engagement ring.
"I have to tell him, Jack."
"Maybe the shock will kill him?" he suggested rather hopefully. She smacked him.
"That's not funny!"
"Sorry."
Jade stood there, staring into his eyes as he brushed back her hair. "Do your parents know?"
He grinned rather sheepishly. "They knew before you did. I told them first. In fact, I think they knew before I did."
Jade laughed. "Well, here goes nothing," she said, turning in the direction of her father's cabin. On impulse, she turned back to him. "Just in case, you may want to find a place to hide. Like a rowboat."
*
Jade entered her father's cabin casually, shutting the door behind her. Jack looked up in what would have been surprise if not for the fact that Captain Jack Sparrow was never surprised, savvy?
"Yes love?"
"Father, I need to tell you something." Jack looked at her expectantly. "Now. I want you to keep an open mind and remember that this is very important to me."
"What is it?" Jack asked, eyes narrowing slightly.
In response, Jade took out the ring, pulling off the necklace and handing it to him.
The resulting howl could probably be heard in Port Royal, if not London as well. At the very least, the entire ship heard it, and Jack Turner's eyes widened in fear.
"I don't believe it!" Jack Sparrow cried, jumping to his feet. "I'll kill him. I will KILL him."
Jade raced in front of him, blocking the door with her body. "Daddy, you will not kill my fiancée."
Jack stopped suddenly, staring at her for a moment. "Your fiancée," he whined.
"Yes Daddy. My fiancée."
"Alright!" he announced. "That's it. I'm putting my foot down. You are not allowed to get married."
"Not even if it's something I really, really want?"
"I was hoping you wouldn't say that."
"Please Daddy? It is something I really, really want."
"No," Jack said, sounding like a whining child. "I don't want you to."
"Father."
"No. Just... no. You're far too young."
"You're being ridiculous."
"I am not! You're my baby girl. You're not allowed to get married. It's against the pirate rules."
"That's a lie, and since when have I followed the rules at any rate?"
"Well it's about time you started. You'll ruin my good name."
"Father, you don't have a good name."
Jack waved his arms emphatically. "That's irrelevant, and beside the point to boot." Jade rolled her eyes. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to kill that bastard."
"Jack is not a bastard, Daddy. Will and Elizabeth were married for a full two years before he was born"
The captain's arms waved madly in the air before he finally collapsed back in his chair. Grasping a bottle of rum, he stared into it bitterly.
"Alrightmarryhimthem," he muttered.
"What was that?" Jade asked.
"I SAID," Jack paused, taking a deep breath, "Fine. Go ahead. Marry the ba- him."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Bleedin' Christ girl, how many bloody times are you going to make me say it?"
Jade moved to kneel beside her father. "And I have your blessings?"
He sighed resignedly. "Yes, you have my blessings."
Jade kissed his cheek before standing to exit the room. Just before opening the door, she paused for a moment, looking back at him.
"I love you, Daddy."
"I love you too, darling."
*
Some time later, Will entered the room to find his friend starting on another bottle of rum, empty ones strewn around him.
"It'll be alright, Jack."
Captain Sparrow tipped his head back, taking a huge swig of the drink.
"No it won't."
Will smiled. "'Course it will. It's only marriage."
"You say that as if it's a good thing."
"Isn't it?"
"No. Look at me. I spent my whole life without any such bonds, and I'm normal."
"Normal is a relative term." To Jack's surprise, Will crossed the room, sitting opposite Jack and taking a huge swig of rum himself. "Elizabeth's feeling ill again. I'm worried."
"See where marriage gets you? You spend your life worrying about someone else."
"Jack."
"Sorry mate." Jack looked up at him reassuringly. "I'm sure she's fine."
"She hasn't been this sick since Jack was born." To his surprise, Jack burst out laughing. "What on earth is so funny?"
"She hasn't been this sick since Jack was born?" he repeated, looking at Will carefully. "Think about it, mate."
Will's eyes widened. "You don't think..."
"Oh yes I do."
They both began to laugh then, until they couldn't breathe.
"I don't believe this," Will gasped.
"I knew you weren't a eunuch all along. You knew that, right?"
*
And now for the neglected reviewers (in all honesty, do you guys even read these):
Harrypotter4ever: Oh relax. C'mon, we can't kill them. We've tried, countless times. It just doesn't work. I mean, it's Jack, man. Not just Jack, it's Captain Jack Sparrow! He's immortal. Which brings me to this interesting theory about Johnny Depp... oh, never mind.
Bratprincess: No, you haven't been watching too much Simpsons at all... Depravity and, uh... distinction? I don't know what I'm prattling on about. It's 3:45 in the morning. Oh, and by the way, it's depravity and depredation. Don't ask how I know.
LotRseer3350: Your first review was so sweet... naïve... you had no idea of what was to come in the next chapter. God, I am SO melodramatic. Rubber chickens are dangerous to one's health, especially when you hit authors in the head with them. Who knows, you could make us insane (as in, more insane than we already are. Clinically insane, or what have you. Kat and I actually had an interesting discussion about that, and how it's only really clinically insane if you go to a clinic and they say you're insane. So we're safe provided we stay away from any clinics) and then we wouldn't be ABLE to write. Then where would you be?
Scarlett Red Rose: *Sob* But we're NOT unpredictable. People guessed what we were going to do. Of course, then again, it may be that we're being unpredictable in our predictability, as it were.
Szhismine: Yeah, we really are mean, aren't we? But hey, at least we didn't wait a year to update again. And Happy Thanksgiving! And yes, it really is Thanksgiving this time! 3:55 on a Monday morning, but it still counts!
LuvlyGRLofLIFE: That review just amused me. That's all I can say. It amused me. A lot.
Someone:): We didn't let him die. So now you absolutely HAVE to review. Because you practically promised, and that's almost the same as ACTUALLY promising, so go review. Please?
Lenore Raven: Don't kill us! Because then we can't write anymore, so we can't update, so you can't find out if they live or not. This would have much more effect if it was posted BEFORE the chapter.
Surge1: New reviewer, new reviewer! Happy dance! This is a brilliant story? We feel so loved! Thank you!