The day after learning about the cancellation, Gunn, Wesley, Angel, Lorne, and Spike again met in Angel's office.
"I've found another problem with our show," Lorne began. "We don't have enough female characters. The only women around are Harmony, Nina, Illyria, and Eve, and three of them are recurring. We need to start pairing up if we're going to copy 'One Tree Hill,' and we just don't have the cast to do it."
"Yeah," Gunn agreed. "Plus, does anyone out there even like Eve? She just ain't cuttin' it."
"Harmony is best taken in small doses," Lorne went on ("Too true," Spike muttered), "Nina has been tolerated so far, and fans resent Illyria for taking Fred's place. I'm sure you all will agree that this is quite an issue, since we badly need a signature couple fans can get behind."
"With Fred gone, we got nothing to bring to the table," Gunn stated.
"Actually, Fred doesn't have to be dead." Lorne displayed a thick sheaf of papers. "I took it upon myself to stay up last night collaborating with our writers, and together we managed to whip up our first new script. Here's a copy for each of us." He passed them around the table.
Gunn skimmed the first page of his. "Hey, I'm in the opening scene." He continued down the page. "Naked. I'm naked in the opening scene. Why am I naked in the opening scene?"
"You're wearing a towel," Lorne corrected. "It's because you just came out of the shower. There's a new mandate: All lead male characters must do at least one shirtless scene per episode. Angel's comes when he's exercising. Spike's is when he's getting out of bed. Wesley has his when he's changing clothes."
"What about yours?" asked Angel.
"I excused myself, because no one should have to look at that much green. Also, I'm just a tiny bit out of shape at the moment."
Gunn turned a page and stopped. "What's this? I find twin babies left on my doorstep?"
Lorne nodded. "Twin Chinese girls, left under your protection after their parents are killed by demons. '7th Heaven' has adorable twins, so we're ripping them off. Your story for this episode is to take care of the babies. Our new laugh track will be heavily utilized at random intervals during these hilarious scenes."
Wesley had flipped ahead in the script. "And my story apparently is to come up with a way to alter time and move us all back to two episodes ago, before Fred was infected, so that it never happens and she doesn't die. How in the world am I supposed to explain my ability to pull off this miracle? That portion of the script is blank."
"Make up an explanation full of big words and hope it confuses the audience so much that they have no choice but to believe you. What does it matter anyway? We'll have Fred back and you two can share sweet, mushy scenes and the audience will love it."
Angel looked up from his script. "What's this flashback scene? I don't understand what you're trying to do with it."
"Galway, 1753," said Lorne. "Angel, your little sister Kathy didn't really die back then, and she's joining the cast. The scene you're talking about is a newly created flashback where Angelus bit her but left before she was drained, assuming she would agonizingly bleed to death. She didn't. Instead she survived and became a half-vampire, meaning she retained her soul, doesn't age, and can go out in sunlight without burning up. Also, we adjusted her human age slightly. She is now 18; therefore, legal. What do you think of that?"
Dead silence answered him.
"Trust me, it'll be great," Lorne raved. "The flashback is an opportunity to give Angelus fans a treat, and also to crank up the laugh track. Angel-cakes, your fake Irish accent and bad hair will have them rolling in the aisles." Perhaps sensing Angel's true feelings, Lorne quickly changed the subject. "Oh, and before I forget, we need to repopulate the show by bringing back past characters." He handed each person a single sheet of paper. "Everyone, vote on who should return. Your choices are Cordelia, Kate, Gwen, Lilah, Justine, Darla, Drusilla, Penn, Lindsey, Connor, and the Groosalugg. Choose three each." When the others had marked their ballots, some with more enthusiasm than others, Lorne collected them. "Thanks. I'll look them over and let you know soon who's coming back."
Gunn rose. "If we're done here, I'm off to memorize my script."
"We can't be done," Spike protested. "We haven't even talked about my scenes."
"Saving the best for last, sweetie," Lorne assured him as Gunn dropped back into his chair. "Spike, you have some pivotal scenes. For instance, there's the one where you find the Gem of Amara Angel hid--"
"Wait a minute," Angel broke in. "The Gem of Amara doesn't exist anymore. I destroyed it way back in season one."
"No, you actually destroyed a fake and hid the real Gem in case of an emergency. Well, the emergency has arrived. We need you to be indestructible, so we're dusting off the Gem and putting it back into play." Lorne turned back to Spike. "In this episode, we also reveal a big secret--the real reason you've been hanging around Los Angeles instead of going to Europe after Buffy. Because frankly, that excuse about not being able to top your exit scene makes about as much sense as Wesley being able to alter time. Your revelation comes in a dramatic scene right at the end of the episode."
Spike nodded. "Right, then." He stood up. "I'm going to get a snack."
No one followed him. Wesley looked at Lorne. "What about you? What are you up to in this episode?"
"I appear in two token scenes just to remind viewers I'm still on the show."
Angel had stopped paying attention to the conversation and was skipping to the end of the script. "Who cares about that? I want to learn Spike's secret."
Gunn, Wesley, and Lorne moved to the final page as well. Gunn read the ending, which mostly consisted of Spike's dialogue: "'SPIKE: "Angel, you want to know the real reason I'm staying in town? It's not because I'm afraid to see Buffy. It's not even because of that stupid shanshu prophecy. (steps closer to Angel) It's because of you. It's because I've finally realized my true feelings for you, Peaches. I don't hate you. (deep breath) I'm in love with you." Cut to: Angel's reaction. Hold shot for five seconds. Fadeout.'"
Gunn, Wesley, and Angel looked at each other in stunned silence. Wesley recovered first. "It's official. Common sense has packed its bags and left the building. Perhaps we should all follow?"
Before anyone could answer, from the hallway outside the office sounded a terrible howl, followed by a scream of, "What the bloody hell is this?"
Angel winced. "I think Spike just read the last page of the script, too."
SCRIPT (DELETED)
Note has clarified its rules and it turns out that they do not allow entries in script format. I have deleted all scripts from this story to comply with the rules, but it's really gutted the fic. To read it as I intended it to be, please see my website, linked from my author profile page.