He Who Fights With Monsters
By Thalia Drogna
Trip tried his best to piece his life back together. Phlox let him read the reports of what had happened on the Rel Sevanne, how he'd been captured by Shar Jen and wired into their computer. He remembered that part, lying on the table while Shar Jen prepared him for conjoining, hoping desperately that the Captain would find him before Shar Jen could carry out her plan. Phlox had removed the implants with Shar Jen's help and he was now covered in bandages where they had been.
What he didn't remember was the rest of the detail in the report. Apparently he hadn't exactly been himself, Phlox had discovered the computer had created a link that was similar to brainwashing, reminding him that he was happy in the computer and his duty was to protect the Tien. Except Phlox seemed to think that at least part of the problem had been that Trip was already looking for comfort after his ordeal with the Xindi. Trip wasn't sure what to believe about that.
He read everything about how Reed had tried to rescue him and he'd ordered his capture. He cringed inwardly at the thought of how that must have hurt Malcolm. Trip was glad that was one memory that he didn't have. The Tien had even renamed him so that his name matched their conventions. He'd told Enterprise to leave and wanted to resign his commission. It didn't sound very much like something that he would do, but then he had no idea what it was like to be conjoined because now he didn't remember any of it.
The Rel Sevanne and the Vor Devrees going up against each other had obviously been one hell of a battle. He would have liked to get a look at the inter-reality cannon before it was destroyed. He had no memory of the Kriel ship or the battle. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't reach what he'd lost, it was just gone. He still didn't really believe that the Captain had done it, gone against his express wishes and torn out pieces of his memory just so that he could have his Chief Engineer back.
What he did remember was waking up in decon and feeling completely and utterly desolate. His desperation to reach out and form a link with something. The reasons behind all those feelings were no longer there though, and without that the feelings themselves had no basis. He had been pleased to see Shar Jen but now he didn't know why, she'd been the one who had got him into this mess. Sure she was pretty and they'd had an interesting chat at dinner that night in the Star Chamber, but nothing to make her anything more to him. If anything, he should hate her for what she had done to him. There was something there though, when he looked at her, something which hadn't been there before. Or maybe it had and he just didn't remember it. He doubted he would find what he needed to know about Shar Jen in any of the reports.
T'Pol sat beside him quietly reading a padd, not wishing to disturb her companion's peace. Even though they had resolved one of Trip's problem's he was still recovering from the effects of the virus and the Rel Sevanne collision. Since his memories had been deleted he had experienced several more painful nerve episodes, which Phlox kept on telling him meant that he was getting better but that didn't make the pain any less unpleasant. Each time T'Pol had been with him, calmly speaking to him until the pain passed or Phlox came to administer an analgesic. He had awoken this morning to find T'Pol beside him and so far she had shown no sign of leaving. Trip was glad of the company, there was still an inexplicable loneliness in him, but at least it seemed to be lessening as the days passed.
"Why'd you let him do it?" Trip asked T'Pol.
"He is the Captain of this vessel, it was his decision," said T'Pol, looking up from her reading. She didn't need to ask him what he was referring to.
"But it isn't...wasn't...right," said Trip. His language skills were getting better but he was still having trouble.
"The Captain was within his rights as your Commanding Officer," said T'Pol.
"He had other options," said Trip, firmly.
"Which would have taken considerable time," said T'Pol.
"Did you agree with what he did?" asked Trip.
T'Pol remained silent.
Trip looked at her. "Answer me!"
"I had...reservations," said T'Pol.
"And..." he searched for the name but it still wasn't there, "the doctor?"
"His Denobulan medical ethics would not allow him to perform the procedure without your consent. Captain Archer believed that you were not in your right mind and therefore your consent was not required. The Captain told Phlox that he would allow Shar Jen to perform the procedure without his supervision if he did not agree to help. Doctor Phlox was of the opinion that even though you were suicidal, it did not mean that you were unable to choose your own method of treatment. I agreed with him. The early indications were that therapy would be successful in undoing the Rel Sevanne's conditioning."
"But...you let him do it," said Trip.
"I had to follow orders," said T'Pol and reminded herself what she had thought when Shar Jen had used that excuse. "I had no reason to believe that the procedure was unsafe. And it did achieve the desired effect. You are no longer suicidal."
T'Pol knew that she wasn't giving Trip quite the complete picture though. It seemed that Phlox's trip to the mess hall with Shar Jen had produced answers that would otherwise not have been forthcoming. Phlox had revealed to T'Pol that, for Shar Jen, the procedure had been quite dangerous, especially if she had continued for any longer. As it was, the Tien Artificer had been exhausted and had taken some time to recover her strength. For her own safety she had deleted as little of Trip's memory as possible, but also for Trip's sake she had not wanted to take too much from him.
"I want my memories back, T'Pol," said Trip.
"That is not possible," said T'Pol. "The Captain did what he believed to be right. You have to trust in the fact that he would not have wished to harm you."
"Trust him is the one thing that I can't do at the moment," replied Trip.
"Sun Neer Gen Tespin to Enterprise," Hoshi picked up the call.
"This is Enterprise, go ahead Flight Commander," she said.
"Am I correct in assuming that Enterprise has Shar Jen Sar Kerin on board?" asked the Tien pilot.
"You are," replied Hoshi.
"I am pleased to hear that," said Sun Neer. "The Tien life pods are approximately two days away from planet fall. I would like to speak to Captain Archer if I may."
Hoshi put the call from Sun Neer through to the Captain's ready room. "What can I do for you Flight Commander?" asked Archer.
"I am the highest ranking member of the Tien in the life pod fleet," said Sun Neer. "However I gather that you have Shar Jen on board your vessel. Were you also able to rescue Squadron Leader Reed and the Patriarch?"
"They're all safe on Enterprise," replied Archer. He decided not to mention for the moment that they also had Sharien in their custody. "But the Patriarch will not be resuming his duties."
"I thought that might be the case. I only wished to confirm their safety. I would like to speak with Shar Jen. If Trip En Ath Tucker is unable to remain Patriarch then Shar Jen must be inaugurated in his place."
"I'll arrange for you to be transferred through to Shar Jen's quarters in a moment. Was there anything else?" asked Archer. He would let Sun Neer talk to Shar Jen but he intended to monitor the call.
"I assume that Enterprise will be waiting when the fleet arrives?" asked Sun Neer.
"You assume correctly. We'll drop off Shar Jen and be on our way," said Archer.
"There is one other thing," said Sun Neer.
"They want to what?" asked Reed in a disbelieving tone. He was lying in his bed in his quarters when Archer came to visit him. Phlox had been less than pleased to discover that Reed had not been resting, so had forcibly taken him off the duty roster and ordered him to stay in bed until he said otherwise. Since Phlox had threatened to sedate him if he didn't comply and had promised to check in on him regularly, he didn't have much choice but to do as the doctor said.
"They want to give you a medal, Malcolm," said Archer. "And Trip as well. In fact they have a whole ceremony planned to say thank you to Enterprise for all the help we gave them, with you and Trip as the honoured guests."
"I don't believe this. Trip nearly dies after being forced into becoming part of their computer, Enterprise is put in danger when their enemies turn up, countless Tien died and they want to give me a medal? I mean what for? I lost two thirds of my squadron, I'm a lousy pilot and I crashed on the Vor Devrees."
"And you led the assault on the Vor Devrees, more of your squadron came back than any other, and you risked your life to save Trip, their Patriarch," said Archer. "You were put in danger more times than I'd like to count during that battle. I'd already put in the paper work for a commendation for you myself, but I was going to wait and tell you when it was confirmed."
"With all due respect, sir, I really don't think I deserve it. I wasn't even able to perform my duties, Commander Tucker was kidnapped right from under my nose," said Reed.
"I know you still feel bad about what happened, Malcolm, but you have to let it go. There was nothing that you could have done. Besides if it makes the Tien happy let them have their ceremony, it might even improve crew morale, we've had precious little else to celebrate lately."
"Have you spoken to Trip yet about this?" asked Reed.
"I haven't spoken to Trip, period," replied Archer swiftly.
"It's been three days," said Reed.
"He doesn't want to see me and I don't blame him. Phlox is moving him back to his quarters today, I'm hoping that he'll have cooled off a bit by now," said Archer.
"And what about Shar Jen and Sharien?"
"I showed them the passage of scripture that Trip gave me. It had quite an effect on Sharien. She started chanting something in ancient Kriel and then asked me to set up a meeting for her with Shar Jen," said Archer.
"What did Shar Jen say to that?" asked Reed.
"She chanted what sounded like the same thing in ancient Tien and then agreed to the meeting," said Archer. "I don't quite understand it myself but it's got them talking. Shar Jen said something about it being the will of the goddess."
By the time Enteprise reached the planet, Trip had been released to his quarters and thanks to Phlox's neuro-regeneration therapy was now able to move around on his own with the aid of a walking stick. So long as he didn't expect to get anywhere quickly. Hoshi was continuing intensive speech therapy but she had reported that Trip had improved considerably over the last couple of days and was doing far better than she had expected. He still had trouble finding the right words and often had to ask people to repeat themselves but he was now forming sentences and at least able to follow a conversation.
However, it was obvious, that although Trip no longer wanted to end his life, he was still miserable. The Captain had tried to see Trip several times but every time the doctor had turned him away saying that Trip didn't want to see him. Now that Trip was back in his quarters Archer knew that Phlox wouldn't be around to stop him.
He stood outside Trip's door looking at the doorbell. He willed his muscles to move and push the button.
"Come in," said a voice from inside. Archer entered. Trip was lying in bed, a padd in his hand, working on what looked like Engine schematics. He was as usual letting the nanites help him as he worked. Much to Trip's annoyance, the virus had made his body weak and he still couldn't stay up for long periods of time. He turned to face his visitor.
"Hi," Archer said, inadequately. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine," said Trip. There was none of the usual warmth in his voice.
"We need to talk," said Archer.
"No we don't. I don't have anything to say to you. I told you that I didn't want this and you went ahead and did it anyway," said Trip. Something at the back of his mind kicked him and he had a sense of déjà vu. He dismissed it though, now wasn't the time.
"Trip, I didn't have a choice. You would have killed yourself," said Archer.
"I don't know who I am anymore!" shouted Trip. "You allowed Shar Jen to take away part of me. I remember being miserable enough that I wanted to kill myself, but I don't remember why. I remember waking up in decon, being so ill that Phlox had me on life support but I have no idea how it happened. And I remember being very clear about the fact that I didn't want my memories deleted. I'm really not sure that I can deal with this now, Jon."
"I know that you're angry with me at the moment but I just wanted you to be well again. Enterprise needs her Chief Engineer back," said Archer.
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I've had enough? My sister is dead, I was tortured by the Xindi, wired into an alien computer and now my best friend has betrayed me," said Trip.
"I did it because I thought it was the best thing for you," said Archer.
"Yeah, well, I know you meant well, which is the only thing stopping me from punching your lights out. It's going to take me a little time to sort out my feelings and right now you're not my favourite person," said Trip. "The Doc doesn't want me back on duty for a while yet, just stay out of my way until then. Our working relationship won't suffer, I'll still take your orders. But don't expect me to call myself your friend any longer."
"I understand," said Archer, defeated. "There is one other thing that I need to tell you." Archer then explained to Trip about the planned celebrations.
"This is just great," said Trip, as Reed pushed him in a wheelchair towards the shuttle bay. They were going down to the planet's surface for the planned ceremonies and celebrations. "I'm going to be given a medal and I can't even remember what I did to deserve it."
"At least you did deserve it," said Reed.
"Malcolm, from what I read in those reports you practically saved the entire Tien race single-handed," said Trip. "Besides, you saved my life, again."
"I'm the one that let you get kidnapped in the first place," said Reed.
"Stop beating yourself up over this, if anyone got me into this situation then it was me. I'm the one who was paying more attention to Shar Jen than I should have been...Have we had this conversation before?" asked Trip.
"Erm, yes, I suppose so. Or at least a similar one. Just after you'd been conjoined with the Rel Sevanne," said Reed. "Are you remembering something?"
"No, I've just had a strong feeling of déjà vu lately when people have said things to me or I've said something. And I have this really strange feeling about Shar Jen, like I know things about her but I can't remember them," said Trip. "It's probably nothing."
"Trip, you know what will happen if you do remember being part of the Rel Sevanne?" asked Reed. He didn't agree with Archer's methods exactly but Trip was so much better now that he didn't want to lose him again.
"Yeah, I know, I'll want to kill myself again. I can't imagine anything being that bad, but if I start to remember stuff I'll let you know," said Trip. He decided to change the subject. "So what exactly have they got planned for us?"
"The usual I guess. I've sat through more boring ceremonies than I'd like to count."
"I thought there was meant to be a party as well," said Trip, with disappointment in his voice.
"Yes. After the medal ceremony and the boring speeches," said Reed.
"All of a sudden I'm not looking forward to this," said Trip. "Do I really have to be there?"
"Trip, you led them into battle, I think you need to be there," said Reed.
"But I don't remember it," said Trip. "They're honouring me for something I don't remember doing."
"They remember it, and so do I. You were a good leader, Trip," said Reed.
"And you've got the broken arm to prove it," said Trip, sarcastically.
"That wasn't your fault," said Reed. "You saved a lot of Tien."
"How about we make a deal? I won't blame myself for you getting hurt, if you won't blame yourself for me getting hurt. We're big enough to look after ourselves, even if I don't remember any of it," said Trip.
"I suppose I can live with that arrangement," said Reed.
"I just have one question," said Trip.
"And what would that be?" asked Reed, suspecting that he wasn't going to like what was coming next.
"Why'd you dye your hair blond? I mean it's a good look for you an' all..."
Malcolm had almost forgotten his hair, it was going to take a while to grow out. The reports obviously hadn't detailed everything involved in Malcolm's rescue attempt. "I decided I wanted a change," he replied, dead pan, pleased to see the confusion it caused Trip.
He pushed the wheelchair the final few yards into the shuttle bay. Travis Mayweather was waiting to take them down to the surface with T'Pol, Phlox and Hoshi. Reed settled Trip on a bench at the back of the shuttle and then took his seat while Phlox fussed over his patient. Trip still got tired very easily and Phlox had insisted on accompanying him to the surface. Every sense in Reed's head was tingling, he didn't like any of this. He checked his phase pistol was in its holster for a final time and gave Travis the nod to take off.