Before the cast could begin to tear apart his latest work, Lorne made an offer. "Everyone who's willing to save their energy and accept the script as it stands can leave now."
Lindsey and Fred were the only ones who stood up. Fred looked around the table, saw that no one else was moving, and sat back down. Lindsey shrugged and left the room.
Lorne scowled when he saw that most of his audience remained. "Fine, you obviously don't trust me, despite all we've been through together. But you will in a few minutes. We're going to approach this script sensibly. We'll look over it together and address any concerns here and now, so that we're all satisfied I did the right thing."
"That sounds really fair, Lorne," Fred approved. "Don't you all think so, too?" She waited for support that didn't come.
Instead, Angel glared at Lorne. "I have a problem already."
"What page are you on?" Lorne said calmly.
"One! Page one! The opening scene can't be right."
"No?" Lorne scanned the lines. "Why not?"
"Because after Spike says he's in love with me, it has me just walking away. I thought I'd get to beat him up!"
"And I thought it was a nightmare," Spike reminded everyone. "It couldn't really have happened."
"It did. Deal with it and move on." Lorne turned the page.
Angel did not. "You seriously intend to put me and Spike together? That's just wrong. Besides, isn't the show supposed to be predictable now? Well, pairing me and Spike is the opposite of that."
"It's perfectly possible to be predictable yet groundbreaking at the same time. 'Dawson's Creek' paved the way for us there. Besides, it's a widely accepted belief that vampires are inherently bisexual, so half of our audience has been expecting you and Spike to jump each other all season. They won't be at all surprised. Problem solved."
Angel and Spike began to shout at the same time, so that neither could clearly be heard.
"Shut up, you two!" yelled Gunn, who had advanced to his own scenes. "I got it worse than you did!"
This impressive statement succeeded in quieting Spike and Angel, and they flipped ahead to analyze Gunn's material.
"I'm going to the animal shelter to adopt a dog," Gunn summarized with a grimace. "That isn't a story. It's a joke. Has to be."
Lorne shook his head. "Not in the least. Besides featuring cute twins, '7th Heaven' also has a fluffy white dog named Happy. Highest rated show on the network, so it obviously works for them. Besides, this is our big chance to shoehorn in a social issue. Gunn, you are to visit the pound, see the multitudes of miserable animals piled up hoping for adoption into a loving home, and trumpet the cause of pet-population control. Think Bob Barker at the end of every 'Price is Right' episode, only more long-winded. After your moving speech, you will carry little Lucky home to a joyful new life. We need to hit viewers over the heads with this one."
"This has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever read, and that's saying something." Gunn waved his script for emphasis. "This part. Where my eyes well up, and this one perfect tear dislodges itself and rolls down my cheek in 'solitary glory.' What the hell is that about? One stupid tear?"
"Greater impact. A string of tears is far less dramatic than one all by itself. Your eyes must brim to the brink, but you're to only allow one single tear its release."
"Nice trick if you can manage it," Gunn muttered.
"It just takes a little control. Like this." Lorne's eyes immediately brimmed with moisture; he held the look for a moment before one large droplet descended from his left eye and dribbled down his cheek.
Gunn lapsed into sullen silence, but Angel filled the gap. "Another thing. Spike and I can't each get part of the Gem of Amara. Aside from the fact that there really shouldn't even be a Gem anymore, what's the point of us being basically invulnerable? Seems like viewers won't worry about our safety as much anymore, and we want them to care what happens to us."
"Not a problem," Lorne assured him. "I refer you to Clark Kent on 'Smallville.' He gets hit by a bus--the bus is mangled, and Clark doesn't have a scratch on him. Need I remind you, 'Smallville' always attracts a bigger audience than we do, so plenty of people prefer invincible Clark to us."
"Yeah, well, back to this thing with Angel and me--it makes no bloody sense," Spike stressed.
"It most certainly does!" Lorne roared, eyes bulging and fists forming. "We're setting up a love triangle. We want to get Buffy back on the show. Well, think of how dramatic it'll be if she returns only to find her two exes shacking up together. Think of the dramatic tension! Think of the press coverage! Think of the ratings soaring! Look, boys, do you want to remain cancelled, or do you want to stay on the air? Suck it up and play the scenes or I'll find someone else to do it!"
Cowed by Lorne's fury and reminded of their goal, Spike and Angel dropped the argument. For the time being.
Still quivering with rage, Lorne turned to the people on his right. "Fred, Wes, everyone else has had their turn at tearing apart my efforts. Go ahead--here's your big chance."
"Oh, no, the script is great," Fred quickly responded. "Really great. Except for maybe one tiny little thing. It's almost nothing, though."
"Yes?" Lorne prodded.
"Um, where's my dialogue?" Fred blurted.
"And mine," Wesley added. "Neither of us seem to have any lines. Some pages must be missing from the script."
Lorne waved away this concern. "No, they're complete, all right. You two have no dialogue, but you should limber up your lips anyway, because you have lots of make-out scenes in this episode. Five, to be exact."
"Be glad you don't have any dialogue," Gunn interjected. "These lame jokes are not funny."
Lorne smiled. "Great. We'll fit right in with just about every other show out there, then. Gang, you have to understand that we have a choice: Our dialogue can be witty but shallow, like on 'Gilmore Girls' and 'Charmed,' or unmemorable and simplistic, like on '7th Heaven,' 'Everwood,' 'One Tree Hill,' and 'Smallville.' I vote for the majority opinion, which also happens to be the path of least resistance. Do you have any idea how much easier it is to write boring, cliched dialogue than it is to come up with the good stuff? Why struggle against the tide? Besides, no one cares when we do make the effort. If they did, our ratings would have been great for years and we wouldn't be cancelled."
Angel pointed to the last page of his script. "I can tolerate the lame dialogue. I can survive the lapses in continuity, like the fact that suddenly all of us live in adjacent Wolfram & Hart penthouses. I can even put up with sharing most of my scenes with Spike, as long as that doesn't last too long. But this music montage at the end has to go."
"Music montage?" Spike almost tore the pages in his haste to reach the last one. "There's a bleeding music montage at the end of this episode?"
Lorne beamed. "Yes, one of the finest bits, if I do say so myself. Up until now, we'd mostly overlooked the obvious--the blatant, sometimes inappropriate, usage of hip new music during episodes. We won't make that mistake again. We're showcasing our great new couple of Angel and Spike by displaying their complex history, set to a popular song."
"No," Spike whispered. "No. Any song but this one!"
"And what, may I ask, is wrong with Kelly Clarkson's 'A Moment Like This'?"
end part 4