Episode two was finished. The scene that had taken longest to shoot was the infamous "Gunn's Lament" set at the animal shelter, as the skill of allowing only one teardrop out of an eyeful to slide down his face had proven difficult for Gunn to master. Finally, though, he had performed the task to Lorne's satisfaction.
It was time to go over the third script. This time, Angel, Spike, Gunn, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, Gwen, Lindsey, Connor, Kathy, and Paige were all in the office for the meeting. Kathy was in a red catsuit today, Paige wore a pink leotard, and Gwen's skirt remained very short.
Lorne addressed the group. "Before we peek at the script, there's another issue I want to bring up." He set a CD player on the table; many of those present nervously eyed it. "Spike, Angel, we need to come up with a theme song for you two. 'A Moment Like This' was great for the montage in the last episode, but it won't work long-term. We need to think even more inside the box. So I did that, and I came up with a candidate for your theme song. Have a listen." Lorne pressed the "play" button.
Out wafted, "When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms, the whole world fades away. The only thing I hear is the beating of your heart 'cause I can feel you breathe. It's washing over me."
Lorne stopped the music. "That was Faith Hill's 'Breathe.' What do you think, guys?"
Angel looked at Spike. Spike looked back at Angel. Angel spoke. "The song's great. Just great. Except for a couple little things. Like the fact that vampires don't breathe."
"Or have heartbeats," Spike added.
"Details, details," Lorne replied airily. "I'll keep 'Breathe' on the short list. It's popular, cliched, and overexposed, making it ideal for our purposes."
A tap sounded on the door, and Harmony entered with a heap of scripts. Everyone accepted a copy and braced themselves for whatever new horrors were in store for them.
Wesley began to open his script but then rethought the situation and instead turned it over on the table. "I'm not looking at it until the morning I have to perform my scenes. I think that approach would be better for my health."
One by one, Fred, Spike, Gunn, and Angel shoved away their copies. The others, who either didn't know or didn't care what awaited them, did nothing.
"All right," Lorne said pleasantly. "I'll just go ahead and recap the action for all of you, then. This episode is entitled 'The Legend of the Halpir,' and the big scene comes when Lindsey explains the legend to Kathy."
Gunn scowled. "Someone better explain it to me, too, 'cause I never heard of it before."
"Lindsey?" Lorne looked at him. "If you'll do the honors?"
Lindsey located the appropriate page and read, "'Kathy, you're her. It's true! I always thought the existence of the halpir was a myth--a kind of urban legend--but you really exist. This is a monumental day in the history of humankind, and to think I am here to witness it: proof that at least one halpir walks among us, sharing our sunlight and food and drink, yet thirsting, always thirsting, for something more. Something deep and hidden that even she cannot define, because of her wretched half-existence as a halpir.'"
"And again I ask, what the hell is a halpir?" Gunn turned to Fred, Spike, Angel, and Wesley, who looked as confused as he did.
"Why, a halpir is a half vampire, of course," Lorne cried. "I made up the name myself: hal for half, and pir for vampire. Creative, no?"
"No," chorused Gunn and Spike.
Lorne ignored their protests (he had become very good at doing this) and went on, "At this point, after Lindsey tells her the legend, and after 250 years of only partially existing, Kathy finally begins to understand her place in the world. Very touching stuff. This scene could be going on someone's Emmy reel come nomination time."
Gunn rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, I'm sorry I asked. And I'll probably be even sorrier about asking what my own story is this time around."
"You panic when the babies both develop a rash and the dog gets sick," Lorne summarized. "All ends up well, though. Never fear."
"Look, we got a problem here," Gunn stated. "I know from babies. I helped raise my cousin from when she was a week old. I can change diapers, and prepare bottles, and sing lullabies, and get them to sleep. And since when have I ever panicked?"
"We've inserting drama into the show," Lorne explained. "Besides, the audience won't remember one little throwaway line about your cousin. They'll go along with it. Trust me." Forestalling further protests from Gunn, he moved on to a new subject."Now, this is a quiet episode for Fred and Wesley. Secure in their newfound relationship, they return to work. Paige is newly employed in Fred's department, and she makes herself darn near indispensable on her first day, but there are hidden depths and mysteries to this beautiful newcomer. Gwen also has a job at Wolfram & Hart and will share scenes with Gunn, Fred, Wesley, and Paige. Plus, this episode features the return of Connor. When we last saw him, his memory had been altered to make him believe he had grown up in a 'normal' family. All that, however, is about to change. While digging through his closet, Connor will be hit on the head by a falling book and all of his lost memories will return. He will vow revenge upon Angel. He's going to go to Los Angeles and team up with Lindsey and his Aunt Kathy."
"Why do I think this is all building up to something not good for me?" Angel remarked.
Lorne shook his head. "No sneak peeks for you. You'll have to wait along with everyone else to see what happens. Speaking of which, in this episode, Spike and Angel's relationship continues, and will be revealed to the others when Wesley knocks on Angel's penthouse door and Spike answers. This scene also provides the opportunity to insert shirtless Angel and Spike. As for the other male characters, they go shirtless when Gunn spills baby food on himself and Wesley has to change in the middle of the day to meet with a client who dislikes formality."
"What about me?" asked Lindsey. After hearing what the others were stuck with, he had begun to look concerned.
"You go shirtless all episode, because you have only the blanket, which is tied around your waist. If we didn't have censors, you wouldn't even have the blanket."
"And what about me?" said Connor, speaking up for the first time.
Lorne looked at him. "Oh, sorry, forgot about you. Does anyone really want to see you without your shirt on any more than they want to see me that way? How about we insert a quick shot of a photo of you with your shirt off? I think that'll be enough. Well, I think there's been enough discussion so--"
"Wait," said Fred. "Paige and Kathy and Gwen haven't said a thing yet."
Lorne shrugged. "Yeah, so what? They're only around to pretty much just be eye candy anyway."
"You haven't mentioned your own story yet, Lorne," Wesley noted.
"In this episode I'm back to not having one as usual. No sense rocking the boat too much. Now, I have more big news to announce. Once we've finished taping this episode, we'll be shipping advance copies of these first three off to the critics for early reviews. Their opinions will tell us where we stand and how much work we have left to do. So do your best with this script, and we'll get the critiques we're aiming for!" Cheerily, Lorne strode out of the office. Paige, Kathy, and Gwen followed him, still silent.
"How did Lorne get to be in control?" Connor asked the others.
Angel considered. "I don't know. He just kind of took over and we let him."
"Do any of you think that was a mistake?" said Lindsey.
"Better question--anyone think it *wasn't* one?"
TBC