The first three episodes had all been taped and shipped off to every major television critic in the country for early critiquing. The initial episode was set to air nationally in just two nights. The ratings for this one were crucial. If they were especially good, the chances of a reprieve from cancellation increased. If they were low, the show's fate looked just as dismal as before.
Once again, Gunn, Spike, Angel, Wesley, Fred, Lorne, Lindsey, Gwen, Connor, Paige, and Kathy convened in the office. Today Lorne was holding a sheaf of papers. "I had Harmony compile all of our advance reviews so we can see which way the wind blows. Everyone, start reading." He doled out the articles to all except Paige, Gwen, Kathy, and Connor, who were too busy gossiping to pay any attention to him. For a few moments there was silence as the others scanned the reviews. Then the reports came in.
"'USA Today' gives us a half-star out of four," Spike began.
"'The ridiculous Mary Sue named Paige is the stupidest new character of the year,'" Angel quoted.
"'People' trashes the 'bizarre baby storyline' and says we're now 'the worst show on the WB, hands down,'" Gunn recited.
"'The deus ex machina time-travel plot device is only the beginning of the travesty,'" Lindsey continued.
"'Variety' calls our stories 'regurgitated swill,'" Wesley said.
"And according to 'Entertainment Weekly,' 'ANGEL has undergone perhaps the most disastrous makeover in TV history,'" Fred concluded.
Angel put his head in his hands. "They hate us. They absolutely hate us."
"Knew it," Spike said with a nod. "What with Lorne in charge an' all."
"Yes, Lorne, what do you have to say about this turn of events?" Wesley challenged.
They all looked at their self-appointed writer, who was grinning from ear to ear. "Listen to this, gang! 'TV Guide's' Matt Roush, who's been one of our biggest supporters, devoted a whole column to the show. Here's the best part: 'The formerly original, near-genius plotting has been replaced by dull stodginess, out-of-character twists, and banal dialogue. It's hard to single out just one, but perhaps the lousiest addition is the atrocious laugh track, which gives new meaning to the term "unfunny" even as it offends the discerning ear. Goodbye, ANGEL: We won't miss you after all.'" Lorne leaped up and performed an impromptu dance around the room, clutching the crumpled reviews in one upraised fist. "Yes! Yes! Yes! We did it! Ha! Yes!"
Bemused, Fred, Gunn, Spike, Wesley, Lindsey, and Angel exchanged glances. "Why are you so happy, Lorne?" Fred questioned. "You're acting like you wanted bad reviews."
Lorne collapsed into his chair, still smiling. "Of course we wanted negative reviews, sugar plum. It's publicity gold. Good reviews never helped us and no one pays attention to mediocre ones. Now we're practically guaranteed increased viewership. People'll want to see the train wreck."
"Or hide their eyes," Gunn muttered.
"Wait until the ratings roll in," Lorne said confidently. "Now, back to business. Script number four is in the works and it'll land in your eager little hands very soon. Spike, Angel, I have a treat for you fellas. A non-angsty story, just for you. It will warm the hearts of the audience and amuse them. Spike, initially you have trouble fully relaxing and you find yourself unable to purr. Then you--"
Spike sat bolt upright. "Hold up. What's this about purring?"
"You know how vampires purr when they're especially happy or contented."
"No, we don't," Angel blurted.
"Yes, you do," Lorne insisted.
"I don't purr," Spike said flatly.
"Maybe you just never had a reason to before."
"If I didn't do it when Buffy let me use the handcuffs on her, I'm not doin' it just because I'm with Angel now," Spike maintained.
Lorne stared hard at him and then dropped the argument. "Okay, Angel, I'm even more excited about your story. It's very timely, and will allow many of our viewers to identify with you. despite the fact that you are a vampire. We're going to humanize you and bring you to their level. You, my friend, are going on a low-carb diet."
"A diet," Angel repeated.
"Sure thing. The Atkins diet is hot right now, so we're climbing on the bandwagon."
Spike and Angel quickly held a whispered conference. When they emerged from it, neither looked happy. "I'm not a cat, and I don't purr," Spike reiterated.
"And I refuse to go on a low-carb diet," stated Angel.
"We're on strike," they said in unison.
Lorne looked from one to the other. "You can't refuse to perform your scenes."
"Yeah?" Angel retorted. "Well, I think we can. Until we get a suitable rewrite, we're out of here."
"We're the most popular characters on the show," Spike added. "You can't do it without us."
"Oh, yes, I can," Lorne said grimly. "You two want to strike? Fine. I'll revise the script and write you both out of this episode."
Spike and Angel stood up, presenting a united front. "We'll be waiting for our new scripts with decent storylines," Angel announced. Together he and Spike stalked out of the room. The door slammed behind them.
In their wake, Lorne was breathing hard. "Fine. Fine. We can work past this. I just need to regroup." He sat still for a few moments, catching his breath and thinking with his brow furrowed. No one dared disturb his intense concentration. Then he announced, "Here's what we're going to do. We'll add a few lines to the script to explain the sudden absences of Angel and Spike. Turns out they went to San Francisco to picket in support of gay marriages. As for Angel's diet story, that one's too good to waste. Low-carb diets are all the rage right now and we need to cash in on the craze. You could label bags of dog crap 'low-carb' and people would line up around the block to buy 'em. Someone else from the show needs to go on the diet." He looked around the table; everyone else was looking pointedly back at him. "Oh, yeah. I guess no one else around here can afford to lose any weight. It's gotta be me. Fine. I'll take over Angel's story and go on the diet. We'll put the purring plot on hold for the moment. I think that covers all the problem areas."
"I get some more great action sequences, don't I?" Gwen piped up.
"You sure do!" Lorne said, beaming at this show of enthusiasm. "As for the rest of you guys, Gunn continues with the babies and the puppy but trouble lurks on the horizon, Paige's big secret is revealed, Lindsey and Kathy grow closer, Connor launches a fiendish plot, and Fred's revived political ambitions strain her relationship with Wesley."
"I don't have political ambitions!" Fred objected.
"You do now, sweet cheeks. You want to run for mayor of Los Angeles."
"The mayoral election isn't even held until next year," Wesley pointed out.
"So we accelerated the timetable a tad," Lorne admitted. "Call it dramatic license and go with it."
Fred considered. "Actually, that's no more unbelievable than most of the other stuff we've been doing."
"Yeah," Gunn said with a sigh. "We made some real breakthroughs today. Like, Angel and Spike finally found a subject they can agree on. Does anyone know if blood even has carbs?"
An awkward silence ensued. Finally, Fred spoke up. "To be perfectly honest, I don't blame poor Spike for not liking his story. Purring vampires only appear in really cheesy fan-fiction scenes written by authors who think it's cute."
Lorne countered, "Yes, and have you ever noticed how many readers those pieces of fanfic attract? Those stories don't have to be good, and neither do we. We just need to get people to watch. Speaking of which, I've been brainstorming to come up with a catchy slogan for our new approach. We want to siphon away viewers from shows that air on other networks in our time slot, which means we have to do what they do, only in a more entertaining way. Here's the catchphrase I came up with, encompassing the competing shows from CBS, NBC, Fox, and ABC: 'More laughs than "The King of Queens!" More politics than "The West Wing!" More fights than "The O.C.!" More nudity than "The Bachelor!" More vampires than anyone!'"
"You forgot to include the UPN programming," Lindsey pointed out.
"Nah, even if only by default, we've got to be better than anything they air against us. When your flagship show is 'Enterprise,' you know your network's in trouble."
"Oh!" Fred exclaimed. "You mentioned politics and 'The West Wing.' Is that how you came up with the idea of me running for mayor?"
"Sure is," Lorne confirmed. "We're going to steal viewers from 'The West Wing' by launching our own thrilling politic story in this contentious election year."
"Why is Fred stuck being your guinea pig?" Gunn demanded.
Lorne stared at him. "Are you volunteering to take her place?"
Gunn quickly shook his head. "I have enough going on with the babies and the dog and Gwen. I was thinking you could give the political story to Lindsey or Paige."
"It stays with Fred," Lorne insisted. "We need to drive a wedge between her and Wesley, and this plot is our tool."
"Thanks for trying anyway," Fred whispered to Gunn.
"I heard that," said Lorne. "But I'll forgive you. We have to stick together, as much as possible. We still have time to prove we belong on the air, and we're going to do it. Even if it means Fred running for mayor, Gunn raising babies, and Kathy being alive."
Reminded of their goal, the others nodded and went to work with renewed determination. Even if it did mean that Fred had to develop political ambitions from out of thin air.
TBC