Love -
The third episode in the "Searching For" Series
This fanfic is based on Buffy the Vampire slayer created by Joss Whedon and Fox Entertainment.
By Michael Dunbar
-
Times like this made Xander remember the feeling that the pills had given him, to hide from the pain but still been able to see it and understand it but it wouldn't affect him. The lack of restrictions that the pills had given him was amazing and Xander supposed that was how an addiction took such a hold on a person.
Without pain a man can think he is invincible, but when they wore off he would feel so much worse and the pain would be so much stronger.
The worst was behind Xander, of that he was sure.
Nothing in his life had been quite like them first few weeks, wanting something so badly that he could easily get but making himself turn the other way was something he could have never been prepared for.
Xander got through it with the help of his friends, without them he reasoned that his life would be nothing and he would be just a shell and still be taking chances with his life that he should never take.
That nobody ever should.
In his delusional state at the height of the pills he had reasoned to tell his friends of what he had done. But he was sure that if they had found out, that if they had discovered he was a killer that he would see disgust, hatred and anger from his friends and that was something he had been unprepared to see ever.
It had taken him months but Xander only now just realised that at that time he had hated himself much more than any other person could. He also realised that the action he had taken, that had so easily took that mans life was in the end the correct one despite being a bit rash.
An accident waiting to happen was all it was.
If he hadn't have taken action that family would be dead, that child would have never received medical attention on time. That man, Xander held the bile rising up in his stomach, would have probably gotten away with his crime due to the fact that this was Sunnydale home of the big brewing evil.
The one person that had made him realise this was the person he was currently thinking of, Buffy.
He and Buffy had spent so much time together over the last five months and this allowed them to get to know each like they never had; they shared things they never had before.
Secrets and fears, pains and fantasies
The rest of his friends were brilliant, Willow was like a rock in the storm for Xander and was fully supporting. Giles was brilliant, he was the father figure Xander always wished he had had in his life. But Buffy, Buffy was slowly becoming his everything.
This was why he suddenly remembered the feeling that the pills had given him, because only now was he beginning to see a remarkable resemblance between his feelings for Buffy and the way he needed the pills. She always left him wanting more, wanting to know more than he possibly could because she is that magnificent.
That was the similarity but where the addiction changed was that he knew he could live without the pills, he was doing it. But to live without Buffy was like thinking of life without air.
Incomprehensible
He had no doubt he loved her, but it didn't matter just at this moment because he knew her more than any other person and that would always be good enough even if he never got to touch those lips. Xander would be what he had always been and that would be the best friend he possibly could.
However, he couldn't help but hope.
One day
-
How to tell him?
Was it possible?
It couldn't be so hard, could it?
How to tell your best friend that you were head over heels in love with him?
She sighed, for the tenth time in a few minutes.
Buffy was such a mess and she couldn't believe it was over something that in the past had never bothered her. She had never been shy about her affections before to other men.
So why him?
Why did it bother her so much to tell him that she wanted more?
That she wanted to see his hair and ruffle it as he woke up, she wanted to kiss his morning smile and she wanted to hold him through his nightmares.
One more sigh, one more line of thought through her head.
Fear of rejection?
Buffy had never feared it before, so why now?
Because it was him her mind told her.
The one person in the entire world that knew everything about her that anyone possibly could, they were so close that if he did reject her and just want to be friends then how could she possibly live through it?
Just being friends was wonderful Buffy knew that but for months she fantasised and fascinated over him and she simply wanted a little bit more.
Was that wrong?
"NO" her mind screamed out instantly.
Buffy hugged Mr Gordo closer to herself and simply let her eyes wander to the pictures around her dorm room.
There was one of her, Willow and Xander.
There was one of her, Willow, Xander and Giles.
Then there was simply just one of her and Xander and it made her heart skip a beat. Walking to her desk she picked the picture up and ran her fingers over it, over him and smiled at how happy he seemed to be.
Something he had only recently been able to slightly regain.
The light from her lamp was shining from the corner and provided just enough light for her to see his face.
Before the incident, as Buffy liked to name it, she had never realised how beautiful of a person he truly was. How magnificent and strong he was and how courageous he could be under any circumstances. It took a life changing even for her to truly see him and now she wouldn't see him any other way.
Buffy knew that she thought his friends were responsible for his success, that without them he would have never gotten through that time.
She begged to differ, Buffy had never seen such determination in a person before and Buffy knew that she never would, he was unique plain and simply.
There was no one like him in the world.
Xander's success was his own, Buffy was there for the tears and his fears and for a few hugs but to her that was a friend's duty whether or not they were in rehab or not and it was nothing to her it was just something she should do.
To see Xander get up every day with his will power in tact after nightmares upon nightmares and never head to the nearest chemist said a lot to her about him and the kind of person he was.
A simply remarkable one
Buffy was a slayer, a born fighter and she knew the demons she faced were sometimes tough but the worst ones were inside yourself and Xander would live with them the rest of his life. Always in a constant battle for his self control and to her that was more amazing than anything she fought.
They had no secrets now; she had told him all of this and he had been embarrassed. It was just the way he was, taking praise seemed ridiculous to him because he never had received it before.
Buffy put the picture back in its place and looked at the night sky out of her window. She was due a patrol anyway and would it be wrong to slip past her own mothers house to say hello, it was only fair. After all she hadn't been there in three whole hours.
She held a giggle in and went for her weapons.
Man did she have it bad.
But she wouldn't have it any other way.
-
Xander had a job.
A good job
And for once, a well paying job.
It kept his mind off things at least.
Who'd have thought it?
Xander Harris construction guy.
Two weeks into the job and he was liking it, it kept his hands at work the whole time and he was starting to realise that he could get somewhere in this trade.
He was actually good at something that could earn him money.
Remarkable
Staying put in Joyce's house wasn't what he had planned to do but he had just never moved out. Xander didn't really want to go back home and in some way he could see that Joyce didn't really want him to leave.
She enjoyed the company.
He had stayed and now, when he got his first pay cheque he could finally pay his way into the house.
Will wonders never cease?
Years of been told he wasn't good enough and that he would amount to nothing always lead Xander to believe that something would topple this house of cards he had built.
It would be just his luck.
Until that day arrived Xander decided that he would take this little bit of happiness in his life freely and not dwell on the unthinkable on the things that could possibly ruin this little piece of heaven.
On the nights like tonight, when the moon was high in the sky and shining brightly down he found himself looking out of the window a lot when he wasn't patrolling. It made him wonder how so many people could be so blind to the world around them but then he realised that Sunnydale didn't have a patent on been ignorant.
He has a child had been beat, he could say that freely now without any bile rising up in the pit of his stomach.
Xander was unloved as a child.
Yet no one, not one person had ever suspected it when he was a child.
The school nurse had never said anything when she saw a cut, or a bruise or even a black eye. It was the way the world was, getting into other people's lives was something you didn't do no matter what was happening there.
It disgusted him and that's why Xander guessed is why he couldn't ignore the dark when Buffy came into his life, simply because people had been doing it to him his entire life and he refused to be like them.
He refused to be one of the ignorant and the blind.
Xander was itching to patrol with her tonight but new he would be tired for work tomorrow so they had an agreement. Friday's and Saturday's were their days to patrol together and he couldn't wait all week.
Looking at the calendar Xander noticed it was only Monday and couldn't help but laugh.
Did he have it bad or what?
Joyce walked into the living room with a couple of cups of cocoa and handed him one then took a seat on the couch and smiled warmly at him.
"How was work?" She asked.
It was nice to be asked that, it made him feel proud to be a working person and he smiled a big grin back at her.
"Tiring but I like it, its fun and I think I'm doing quite well too... My boss said so anyways, says I'm a natural...."
She smiled; it was nice to see him enjoying life again. Ever since that day when he moved in he had been working till he could be a person he could like again, she knew that all to well. Joyce finally realised that he was the person he wanted to be and that he was finally coming to terms with himself and his abilities.
It made her motherly nature float to the surface.
She was proud.
A knock at the door disturbed her reach for the remote control and she smiled as Buffy entered.
"Hey dear..."
-
Knocking...
Why am I knocking at my own mother's door?
Nerves... yea gotta be the nerves.
As she walked in Buffy spotted the person of her thoughts sat in the chair nearest to the TV set and her mother was sat on the couch.
"Hey dear..."
What to do?
What to say?
"Hi..."
What a squeaky voice. Xander smiled warmly her way and it just made the nerves rise up even higher, she wanted to kiss it off his face.
That would come later, she hoped.
"Buff... Are you alright?"
Such affection, such caring.
Buffy smiled warmly at him and nodded her head in the affirmative.
"Yes, I just came around before patrol... Hmm Can I talk to you?"
His eyes widened and Buffy saw a lot of emotions pass across his face but he nodded nonetheless and walked towards the kitchen with her in tow.
This should be easy right.
Easy as pie.
Just tell him...
Tell him...
TELL HIM...
-
Oh god...
Oh god...
The mantra kept repeating itself within Xander's head.
What had he done?
He couldn't think of anything, nothing, zilch, nada, bupkiss and all other types of nothing.
Xander knew them words were the bane of the English language, every person did. But especially so when they came from a person you cared about, they could mean the end of life as a person knew it.
Oh god...
Oh god...
The kitchen seemed a million miles away but he reached it and leaned into the worktop, fidgeting but never looking her way.
What could she want?
-
Buffy knew why he wasn't looking at her, fear.
She was afraid too damnit, but she would do this and it would work out.
It had to, right?
"Xander... I... "
Her voice was so squeaky or maybe it was her ears over compensating due to her nerves, she couldn't tell.
"It's like this... Ermmm..."
Her Palms were sweaty so she wiped them on her trousers and looked at him again and noticed he still wasn't looking her way. Buffy moved into his line of sight and smiled reassuringly and took a hold of his hand.
"You know me more than anybody..." Buffy fidgeted and moved her other hand to his face to touch those cheeks just in case it was the last time she ever would "More than anyone should and I know you as well, right down to the core."
-
What was she saying?
He was mesmerised by her eyes, they were so beautiful and so full of life and he couldn't tear himself away. Xander leaned into her hand as she caressed his face and smiled.
"Down to the core... I've been thinking of you a lot lately..."
A lot?
How much, as much as he thought about her?
Did she think about him before she went to bed and when she woke up?
Did she dream of him, did she wonder if there was anyone as perfect as him in the entire world?
Xander had it bad.
He wouldn't have it any other way.
"I guess... What I'm trying to say...
-
Nothing to hold back.
Just say it...
Say it....
SAY IT...
"Can I have you?"
Oh GOD!!!
The third episode in the "Searching For" Series
This fanfic is based on Buffy the Vampire slayer created by Joss Whedon and Fox Entertainment.
By Michael Dunbar
-
Times like this made Xander remember the feeling that the pills had given him, to hide from the pain but still been able to see it and understand it but it wouldn't affect him. The lack of restrictions that the pills had given him was amazing and Xander supposed that was how an addiction took such a hold on a person.
Without pain a man can think he is invincible, but when they wore off he would feel so much worse and the pain would be so much stronger.
The worst was behind Xander, of that he was sure.
Nothing in his life had been quite like them first few weeks, wanting something so badly that he could easily get but making himself turn the other way was something he could have never been prepared for.
Xander got through it with the help of his friends, without them he reasoned that his life would be nothing and he would be just a shell and still be taking chances with his life that he should never take.
That nobody ever should.
In his delusional state at the height of the pills he had reasoned to tell his friends of what he had done. But he was sure that if they had found out, that if they had discovered he was a killer that he would see disgust, hatred and anger from his friends and that was something he had been unprepared to see ever.
It had taken him months but Xander only now just realised that at that time he had hated himself much more than any other person could. He also realised that the action he had taken, that had so easily took that mans life was in the end the correct one despite being a bit rash.
An accident waiting to happen was all it was.
If he hadn't have taken action that family would be dead, that child would have never received medical attention on time. That man, Xander held the bile rising up in his stomach, would have probably gotten away with his crime due to the fact that this was Sunnydale home of the big brewing evil.
The one person that had made him realise this was the person he was currently thinking of, Buffy.
He and Buffy had spent so much time together over the last five months and this allowed them to get to know each like they never had; they shared things they never had before.
Secrets and fears, pains and fantasies
The rest of his friends were brilliant, Willow was like a rock in the storm for Xander and was fully supporting. Giles was brilliant, he was the father figure Xander always wished he had had in his life. But Buffy, Buffy was slowly becoming his everything.
This was why he suddenly remembered the feeling that the pills had given him, because only now was he beginning to see a remarkable resemblance between his feelings for Buffy and the way he needed the pills. She always left him wanting more, wanting to know more than he possibly could because she is that magnificent.
That was the similarity but where the addiction changed was that he knew he could live without the pills, he was doing it. But to live without Buffy was like thinking of life without air.
Incomprehensible
He had no doubt he loved her, but it didn't matter just at this moment because he knew her more than any other person and that would always be good enough even if he never got to touch those lips. Xander would be what he had always been and that would be the best friend he possibly could.
However, he couldn't help but hope.
One day
-
How to tell him?
Was it possible?
It couldn't be so hard, could it?
How to tell your best friend that you were head over heels in love with him?
She sighed, for the tenth time in a few minutes.
Buffy was such a mess and she couldn't believe it was over something that in the past had never bothered her. She had never been shy about her affections before to other men.
So why him?
Why did it bother her so much to tell him that she wanted more?
That she wanted to see his hair and ruffle it as he woke up, she wanted to kiss his morning smile and she wanted to hold him through his nightmares.
One more sigh, one more line of thought through her head.
Fear of rejection?
Buffy had never feared it before, so why now?
Because it was him her mind told her.
The one person in the entire world that knew everything about her that anyone possibly could, they were so close that if he did reject her and just want to be friends then how could she possibly live through it?
Just being friends was wonderful Buffy knew that but for months she fantasised and fascinated over him and she simply wanted a little bit more.
Was that wrong?
"NO" her mind screamed out instantly.
Buffy hugged Mr Gordo closer to herself and simply let her eyes wander to the pictures around her dorm room.
There was one of her, Willow and Xander.
There was one of her, Willow, Xander and Giles.
Then there was simply just one of her and Xander and it made her heart skip a beat. Walking to her desk she picked the picture up and ran her fingers over it, over him and smiled at how happy he seemed to be.
Something he had only recently been able to slightly regain.
The light from her lamp was shining from the corner and provided just enough light for her to see his face.
Before the incident, as Buffy liked to name it, she had never realised how beautiful of a person he truly was. How magnificent and strong he was and how courageous he could be under any circumstances. It took a life changing even for her to truly see him and now she wouldn't see him any other way.
Buffy knew that she thought his friends were responsible for his success, that without them he would have never gotten through that time.
She begged to differ, Buffy had never seen such determination in a person before and Buffy knew that she never would, he was unique plain and simply.
There was no one like him in the world.
Xander's success was his own, Buffy was there for the tears and his fears and for a few hugs but to her that was a friend's duty whether or not they were in rehab or not and it was nothing to her it was just something she should do.
To see Xander get up every day with his will power in tact after nightmares upon nightmares and never head to the nearest chemist said a lot to her about him and the kind of person he was.
A simply remarkable one
Buffy was a slayer, a born fighter and she knew the demons she faced were sometimes tough but the worst ones were inside yourself and Xander would live with them the rest of his life. Always in a constant battle for his self control and to her that was more amazing than anything she fought.
They had no secrets now; she had told him all of this and he had been embarrassed. It was just the way he was, taking praise seemed ridiculous to him because he never had received it before.
Buffy put the picture back in its place and looked at the night sky out of her window. She was due a patrol anyway and would it be wrong to slip past her own mothers house to say hello, it was only fair. After all she hadn't been there in three whole hours.
She held a giggle in and went for her weapons.
Man did she have it bad.
But she wouldn't have it any other way.
-
Xander had a job.
A good job
And for once, a well paying job.
It kept his mind off things at least.
Who'd have thought it?
Xander Harris construction guy.
Two weeks into the job and he was liking it, it kept his hands at work the whole time and he was starting to realise that he could get somewhere in this trade.
He was actually good at something that could earn him money.
Remarkable
Staying put in Joyce's house wasn't what he had planned to do but he had just never moved out. Xander didn't really want to go back home and in some way he could see that Joyce didn't really want him to leave.
She enjoyed the company.
He had stayed and now, when he got his first pay cheque he could finally pay his way into the house.
Will wonders never cease?
Years of been told he wasn't good enough and that he would amount to nothing always lead Xander to believe that something would topple this house of cards he had built.
It would be just his luck.
Until that day arrived Xander decided that he would take this little bit of happiness in his life freely and not dwell on the unthinkable on the things that could possibly ruin this little piece of heaven.
On the nights like tonight, when the moon was high in the sky and shining brightly down he found himself looking out of the window a lot when he wasn't patrolling. It made him wonder how so many people could be so blind to the world around them but then he realised that Sunnydale didn't have a patent on been ignorant.
He has a child had been beat, he could say that freely now without any bile rising up in the pit of his stomach.
Xander was unloved as a child.
Yet no one, not one person had ever suspected it when he was a child.
The school nurse had never said anything when she saw a cut, or a bruise or even a black eye. It was the way the world was, getting into other people's lives was something you didn't do no matter what was happening there.
It disgusted him and that's why Xander guessed is why he couldn't ignore the dark when Buffy came into his life, simply because people had been doing it to him his entire life and he refused to be like them.
He refused to be one of the ignorant and the blind.
Xander was itching to patrol with her tonight but new he would be tired for work tomorrow so they had an agreement. Friday's and Saturday's were their days to patrol together and he couldn't wait all week.
Looking at the calendar Xander noticed it was only Monday and couldn't help but laugh.
Did he have it bad or what?
Joyce walked into the living room with a couple of cups of cocoa and handed him one then took a seat on the couch and smiled warmly at him.
"How was work?" She asked.
It was nice to be asked that, it made him feel proud to be a working person and he smiled a big grin back at her.
"Tiring but I like it, its fun and I think I'm doing quite well too... My boss said so anyways, says I'm a natural...."
She smiled; it was nice to see him enjoying life again. Ever since that day when he moved in he had been working till he could be a person he could like again, she knew that all to well. Joyce finally realised that he was the person he wanted to be and that he was finally coming to terms with himself and his abilities.
It made her motherly nature float to the surface.
She was proud.
A knock at the door disturbed her reach for the remote control and she smiled as Buffy entered.
"Hey dear..."
-
Knocking...
Why am I knocking at my own mother's door?
Nerves... yea gotta be the nerves.
As she walked in Buffy spotted the person of her thoughts sat in the chair nearest to the TV set and her mother was sat on the couch.
"Hey dear..."
What to do?
What to say?
"Hi..."
What a squeaky voice. Xander smiled warmly her way and it just made the nerves rise up even higher, she wanted to kiss it off his face.
That would come later, she hoped.
"Buff... Are you alright?"
Such affection, such caring.
Buffy smiled warmly at him and nodded her head in the affirmative.
"Yes, I just came around before patrol... Hmm Can I talk to you?"
His eyes widened and Buffy saw a lot of emotions pass across his face but he nodded nonetheless and walked towards the kitchen with her in tow.
This should be easy right.
Easy as pie.
Just tell him...
Tell him...
TELL HIM...
-
Oh god...
Oh god...
The mantra kept repeating itself within Xander's head.
What had he done?
He couldn't think of anything, nothing, zilch, nada, bupkiss and all other types of nothing.
Xander knew them words were the bane of the English language, every person did. But especially so when they came from a person you cared about, they could mean the end of life as a person knew it.
Oh god...
Oh god...
The kitchen seemed a million miles away but he reached it and leaned into the worktop, fidgeting but never looking her way.
What could she want?
-
Buffy knew why he wasn't looking at her, fear.
She was afraid too damnit, but she would do this and it would work out.
It had to, right?
"Xander... I... "
Her voice was so squeaky or maybe it was her ears over compensating due to her nerves, she couldn't tell.
"It's like this... Ermmm..."
Her Palms were sweaty so she wiped them on her trousers and looked at him again and noticed he still wasn't looking her way. Buffy moved into his line of sight and smiled reassuringly and took a hold of his hand.
"You know me more than anybody..." Buffy fidgeted and moved her other hand to his face to touch those cheeks just in case it was the last time she ever would "More than anyone should and I know you as well, right down to the core."
-
What was she saying?
He was mesmerised by her eyes, they were so beautiful and so full of life and he couldn't tear himself away. Xander leaned into her hand as she caressed his face and smiled.
"Down to the core... I've been thinking of you a lot lately..."
A lot?
How much, as much as he thought about her?
Did she think about him before she went to bed and when she woke up?
Did she dream of him, did she wonder if there was anyone as perfect as him in the entire world?
Xander had it bad.
He wouldn't have it any other way.
"I guess... What I'm trying to say...
-
Nothing to hold back.
Just say it...
Say it....
SAY IT...
"Can I have you?"
Oh GOD!!!