From the Abyss
by Moonstone04
---
Author's Notes: This is a chaos x Tony yaoi fic, so if you don't like the idea of them loving on each other, flee now. Also, I originally started this fic before any ep2 information was announced, so I consider it to be dated in many ways. However, I expected this when I began. ; Like all my fics, this is heavily based on my personal theories on the series (tho I should point out that the yaoi is just in my fics, not my serious theories). For more information on the bizarre way my mind works, look to my site, chaos theory [chaostheory.50g.com].
Big sorry, I really thought this would be the last chapter (again), but it isn't. It just got way too long again, so I cut it in two. I'm almost done with the final chapter tho, so it shouldn't be too long a wait to the next one. Sorry!
This is the Fanfiction.net edition of this fic. Originally NC-17, it has been edited to fit an R rating. The original, un-cut version of this fic is only being posted at Xenoyaoi on yahoogroups.
---
Chapter Seven
What felt like an eternity of darkness and heat began to lift. A cool, soft touch was on his cheek. With this sensation, at last came a stirring of consciousness as well. Tony turned into the touch, seeking the comfort it offered. Gentle light seeped into the darkness, until he could see a fuzzy silhouette hovering above him.
As the image came into focus, he saw that it was chaos. His liquid blue eyes were filled with concern. Tony reached up to touch his face, and was rewarded with a tearful smile. He wanted to tell chaos not to cry, that he was okay. But he couldn't speak for some reason. Instead, chaos touched Tony's hand against his cheek.
"I love you. You know I love you, don't you?"
Tony didn't see chaos' lips move at all, but somehow heard... no, felt his voice clearly. Then chaos closed his eyes and turned to kiss his hand. And the world was washed away in a flood of light.
---
His body ached all over. That was the first thing Tony was aware of. The next thing he was aware of as he gradually opened his eyes, was the darkness. He didn't feel ready to move, but he slowly took in what little he could of his surroundings.
Wherever he was, it wasn't the Elsa. He seemed to be sleeping on a bed in a fairly large room. The darkness was only broken by soft blue lights along the walls. The rumble of the ship was different from the Elsa. Instead of the smell of dirty socks, there was the oddly unfamiliar scent of air freshener. But there was one familiar thing in the darkness.
On the next bed over, he could hear Hammer's snoring. At least he wasn't alone in this place. As he lay there, the events prior to his blackout slowly came back to him. Where were they? Had the Captain's debtors taken them captive? On weakened arms, Tony forced himself to sit up. Immediately he was nearly overwhelmed by dizziness. Closing his eyes, he took several deep breaths to steady himself.
He didn't have time to be sick. He had to figure out what had happened. The Captain and chaos didn't appear to be anywhere nearby. God, his midsection was so tender. But he was probably lucky to be alive after the hit he had taken. Wincing, he turned to sit on the edge of the bed. So far, so good.
However, as soon as he tried standing on his legs, they folded. He was just too weak. As he collapsed, he grabbed onto the edge of Hammer's bed. This woke Hammer, who nearly jumped out of bed.
"Tony! You're awake!" He helped Tony sit on the bed again. "We were so worried about you, the doctor said it was like a freakin' miracle, you took a direct hit, vital organs, heavy blood loss," Hammer didn't seem to need to breathe yet, "still, even though he said you'd make a full recovery, you wouldn't wake up, and chaos-"
"Whoa..." Tony interrupted. Hammer's rambling was making his fevered head hurt. "Hold on, what's going on? Where are we? Where's chaos and the Captain?"
"We're on the Durandal. I don't know the details, but apparently the ship was in the area when it realized we were under attack. They rescued us. The Captain got knocked out, but you know how hard headed he is. Nothing like that keeps him down long. I think he's been trying to get his mind off things in the ship's casino."
"We're almost killed, and he still hasn't learned." Tony sighed.
"Yeah... And chaos is okay too. I'm not sure where he is, I've only seen him a few times since we got here four days ago. I think he might have a separate room on the ship."
Thinking of chaos made Tony remember the dream he had been having right before regaining consciousness. It had seemed so real, but until now it had slipped from his memory. Suddenly filled with the desire to see chaos, he again struggled to stand.
"Hey! You shouldn't be walking around yet!" Hammer scolded him. "You almost died!"
"Well, I'm not gonna spend my second chance lying around in bed." Tony growled. "Where's my clothes, I want outta here." Steeling himself, he finally managed to stand on his own two feet. He was still shaky and slightly nauseous, but he could deal with that.
"Okay, okay." Hammer sighed. "Let me help you before you fall on your face."
---
After about an hour of searching, Tony was finally steady enough to walk without Hammer's help. They found Captain Matthews asleep on one of the casino couches, but were unable to make much of his sleep talk. Unwilling to stop looking for chaos, Tony went on while Hammer went back to bed.
The Durandal was huge. He had never been onboard a ship that size before. Tony suspected it was bigger than most space colonies. There was a transport train needed just to get around. Eventually, he found his way to a place that appeared to be a small park with a large viewport. Dark and serene, there was very little light at that time of night. Glowing environmental bugs floated among the trees and greenery, like small fairies in an enchanted wood. The only sound here was the crystalline whispers of a tiny stream flowing through the park. Feeling a peacefulness he hadn't felt in a long time, Tony decided to rest there for a little while.
But as Tony walked in further, he saw that he was not alone. Standing before the viewport, bathed in silver starlight, was chaos. For a moment, Tony couldn't move. He was rooted to the spot, unable to do anything but stare. Surrounded by the vastness of the stars, he had never seen chaos look quite so... ethereal. The boy looked too much like a vision, and Tony was suddenly unsure of whether he dared approach.
Then, chaos turned around. The previous aura seemed to fade as chaos' face lit up with joy. "Tony! You're awake!" He ran over to him. "But what are you doing here? I'm sure it isn't a good idea for you to be up and around so soon."
"Eh, I'm okay." Tony smiled. "As long as I'm not dead."
"That's good to hear." chaos then did something that he hadn't done in ages. He hugged Tony tightly.
Before Tony could recover from his shock, chaos had moved away again. Tony was glad it was so dark, because his face was so hot, he knew he must be a violent shade of red. "Uh...yeah... chaos..."
"Tony..."
"Oh! So he's awake?" The new voice came echoing from across the park.
Tony and chaos turned to see what appeared to be a twelve-year old, redheaded kid coming towards them. A black trenchcoat swirled behind him as he walked.
"Yeah." chaos smiled at the young boy. "Jr, this is Tony, our ship's helmsman. Tony, this is Jr, the Durandal's captain."
Tony blinked. "Captain!? This little kid?"
"Hey, watch it!" Jr glared. "I could've left you to the vultures, you know!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it." Tony said sheepishly. "I'm grateful, really. I'm just a little surprised is all. I've never met a captain as young as you are. And of a ship this size... It's really impressive."
The compliment to the ship clearly pleased Jr. He nodded with a smile. "The Durandal's one of a kind, that's for sure. Your Captain Matthews has decided you'll be staying with us until we reach the foundation."
"The foundation?"
Jr raised an eyebrow at chaos, then looked back to Tony. "You've never heard of the Kukai Foundation? Now that's impressive. We can't seem to keep ourselves out of the news these days."
"I guess we've had our hands full lately." Tony said. It was the truth, with the problems surrounding the Captain's debt, they hadn't paid attention to much else.
"It would seem so." Jr walked up beside them and looked out the viewport. "But maybe we can help you guys with that once we return to the foundation."
Tony couldn't help feeling that there was something odd about Jr. Something odd, yet familiar, that he couldn't quite place. It would be years until he understood what it was. But remembering the contemplative look chaos gave Jr, he suspected chaos had known all along. Maybe it was that sense of the same kind of strangeness that had drawn them together from the start. Tony couldn't help being a little jealous, but only a little. There seemed to be a shared sense of sadness between them that Tony somehow knew he was not meant to know. So he was always grateful for Jr's friendship.
---
The next day, Tony went to check out the Elsa. It was in the Durandal's dock, and looked a bit banged up. It didn't look all that bad on the outside, but he knew it was probably going to cost another small fortune to fix. It appeared they had survived only to find themselves in even deeper trouble.
"It's just our luck, of course." Tony sighed as he looked around at the spilled cargo crates on the Elsa's lower deck. It was going to take forever to put everything back in place. "We might as well get started here. Hammer's already assessing the real damage."
"Maybe you should rest some more." chaos said worriedly. "You really shouldn't be doing this kind of work so soon. You could hurt yourself."
"I told you, I'm fine. Let's just get this done with." Tony bent down to pick up a crate that was on its side. Suddenly a sharp pain arced through his midsection. He only winced, but momentarily, he couldn't move. He hoped chaos hadn't noticed, but the silver-haired boy had eyes like a hawk.
"I can't let you do this." chaos reached out to help Tony. "I'll get the Captain to order you out of here if I have to. You need more rest."
"Damnit, chaos, I'm not going to spend the entire day on my ass while the Elsa is like this..." Trying to pull away from chaos, he stepped back into a fallen crate, and lost his balance. Grabbing the nearest thing in a quick attempt to keep himself from slipping backwards, Tony seized the front of chaos' jacket.
There was a comically bewildered look on chaos' face as they both went crashing into the pile of crates. The cargo went flying and skittering across the deck. And everything went dark. But not because Tony had been knocked out. He was still awake. He knew he was still awake because he could feel new pain throughout his body.
"Ow."
"Uh, Tony, you okay?" The darkness lifted as chaos pulled the small crate off Tony's head.
"I think I've broken my back in a few places, but other than that, I'm okay." Tony couldn't help grinning at the look on chaos' face. "I'm kidding. But I'm probably going to be one big bruise tomorrow. Maybe you can kiss it and make it better?" He laughed.
chaos wasn't laughing. From the ambiguously serious look on his face, Tony expected he was about to get lectured again. But no lecture came. Just a strange silence. And Tony became uncomfortably aware of the throbbing heat that chaos was sitting on.
There was a dreamlike quality to the air as chaos leaned down to kiss him. How many times had Tony had dreamed of this? How many times had he woken up to disappointing reality? This couldn't be real, could it? He kept his eyes open, afraid that it would disappear if he closed them. He was afraid to move, afraid to breathe...
A soft groan came from chaos, and suddenly his soft kiss changed into an ardent crush. The silver-haired boy was clutching at his shirt, and Tony could feel the waves of electric heat coming from him. Tony felt overwhelmed, he had never experienced that kind of intensity before. If he hadn't been caught up in it himself, it might have frightened him.
With soft, wanton moans, chaos rubbed and rocked against Tony. It felt too good to be a dream. Unable to restrain himself any longer, he put his arms around chaos and held him tightly. It had been so long since he had felt him so close like this...
All his pain, all their troubles seemed like an entirely different world. At that moment, Tony's whole existence was the world of chaos' heat and touch. The rustle of fabric on fabric, the creak of the material of chaos' jacket. The moans and sighs of chaos and himself. The heavy breathing as they came up for air for a few seconds at a time before coming together in another bruising kiss. The feel of chaos' strong and slender body writhing against him in desperate need. The feel of chaos' burning hardness pressing against his own as Tony arched against him. The hot, wet silk of chaos' mouth, searing him with pleasure. His beautiful, wonderful chaos. The rest of the world could have ended and begun again around them without notice, for all they knew.
When chaos reached down into Tony's trousers and began to stroke him, it was too much. Convulsing with pleasure, Tony finally closed his eyes as he threw his head back. He felt chaos' mouth on his throat, feeling the vibrations there as he cried out. For as long as it lasted, Tony spent himself in chaos' warm grip.
Tony was still trembling with the force of his orgasm when he was finally able to collect himself to speak. chaos was still tasting him, seemingly in a haze of lust.
"I love you." Tony managed to whisper between breaths.
Suddenly, chaos went still. He seemed to rest against Tony for a moment, then slowly rose above him. The boy's eyes were bright with tears. He didn't know what he had done wrong, but Tony felt like kicking himself. chaos was standing up.
"I'm sorry, it's my fault." chaos said in steadying breaths. "I shouldn't have."
Tony couldn't believe it. chaos was building his wall again. He could almost see chaos putting it back up block by block, after it was destroyed in a flood of passion a few minutes ago. He couldn't stand for it. "chaos, don't talk like that! Why can't you just accept my feelings, no, why can't you accept yours? Or is it something else? What are you afraid of?" Finally, he let it all out. "Why are you so desperate for me to forget about you? Why are you always throwing me at random girls... I know... I know it's something you did, it's in my mind now, making me forget whenever there's a pretty girl around. I don't know how you did it, but I know it's your doing..."
chaos was silent as he stared at the floor. There was an slightly frightened look on his face. And there was something else there that Tony hadn't seen before. It was a little unnerving but Tony thought it looked like chaos was swallowing a panic attack. What was wrong? Maybe he had pushed chaos too far.
"...chaos, I..."
"I don't want to cause you any suffering." chaos closed his eyes, visibly steeling himself. "Tony, I do love you, but I wish I could make you understand. You can't love me."
"Why not?" Tony frowned.
chaos just shook his head. "I had a moment of weakness, and I was selfish. That's why I'm sorry, Tony. I shouldn't be putting you through this."
"Wait, what..."
"Don't worry about it." Opening his eyes, chaos smiled sadly. "I can't let you work in your condition. I can handle this by myself. Go get some rest."
Whatever Tony had been going to say seemed unimportant. chaos was right, he had to go rest before he hurt himself. Tony was still sitting on the floor. On shaky legs, he stood and nodded mutely. His emotions were churning, but he said nothing as he found himself heading towards the elevator. He couldn't even look at chaos.
Not until he was in the shower, did he realize he had been in a daze. But it was too late, the moment had come and gone. chaos had done it again. Cursing loudly, Tony pounded the wet tile with his fists. "Why!? Why did he do it!?"
As much as he had dreamed of being with chaos again, he wished it hadn't happened. Not like that. He had learned to live with the longing, the desire he couldn't have. What chaos had just done was the equivalent of opening an old wound. If Tony's feelings had been terrible before, now it was unbearable. His body still shivered with satisfaction, but deep inside, he needed something more.
---
Sitting on a bench, Tony watched the Durandal crew go by. There were a lot of Realians, most of them nearly identical. Brown-haired Realian girls in the same pink jumpsuit went back and forth doing whatever it was they did. Brown-haired Realian boys in the same orange jumpsuit went back and forth doing whatever it was they did. It was bizarre, but by no means out of the ordinary. On the flipside, the human members of the Durandal crew were anything but ordinary. Most of them looked normal, but occasionally there would be someone whose odd hair or eye color gave them away as uberhumans. The Durandal crew was a strange bunch, with an even stranger captain. chaos' own odd features wouldn't even raise an eyebrow in a ship like this one.
Slumping down in his seat, Tony let his head fall back as he stared glumly at the ceiling. There was no getting chaos out of his head. All he thought about was the heat, the kiss, the touch that completed him... And the utter confusion chaos wrecked upon his mind and feelings. He still didn't understand what fears caused chaos to reject him. But chaos was right about one thing, to love him was to suffer. Nothing chaos was afraid of could possibly be worse than this pain...right?
"Man, you look awful. But I guess anyone would after what you went through."
Surprised, Tony pushed himself upright. The "Little Master," as everyone on the ship referred to the captain, was standing there with a bemused expression.
"Uh, yeah." Tony put a hand to his head. "It's been crazy."
"That's life for you." Jr shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned back a bit. "Why don't you come with me. I think we could both use a little break."
Tony still wasn't sure what to make of Jr, but he nodded. "Sure, why not."
---
Damn, Tony had seen many things, but he'd never seen a little kid drink that much. It was a bit unsettling to watch, but anyway, Tony was the last guy to be preaching anything. Jr had saved their lives, and who was he to tell the Durandal's captain what to do?
As it was, Tony was doing his best to get drunk out of his mind. His head was becoming pleasantly fuzzy, and he liked it that way. It made it harder to remember... Instead, he just focused on listening to Jr, who apparently became very vocal when he was drunk. At least, Tony thought Jr was drunk, he just had to be after all that. Jr was downing another shot glass. Then again, the kid seemed to have a constitution of steel.
"...and they've been with us ever since. Those girls really love Gaignun." Jr paused for a moment, and reached back over the bar for another bottle of wine. "I guess word got around after a while, and the foundation became a haven for uberhumans looking for a place they could belong. People come from all over, so the foundation has really grown."
Tony stared into the drink cupped in his hands. Something was biting at his mind, but he couldn't say what it was. It was as fogged as the stately surroundings of Jr's cabin. When he spoke, he wasn't even aware of what he had said until afterwards.
"Have you ever been in love?"
If he wasn't quite so smashed, Tony thought he'd feel like a damned fool. Jr just turned and looked at him with his wide, vivid blue eyes. There was a surprisingly nervous look on Jr's face. Like a cat caught in a canary cage. It reminded Tony of something that made his stomach twist, so he looked away. Whatever. What would some kid know about those kind of feelings, anyway? Tony took another drink in another attempt to drown those thoughts.
Jr finally made a soft amused sound. "Love... Buddha said, he who loves fifty people has fifty woes. He who loves no one has no woes. ...You could say I have my own share of woe. How about you?"
"I guess we're in the same boat."
"I thought so." Jr murmured. "You had that look. I know it too well."
"Look?"
Jr just closed his eyes and leaned back against the bar. "Don't act ignorant."
"Who you calling ignorant, ya squirt." Tony grumbled.
"It bites, you know."
Tony frowned. "What does?"
"Living in the moment. It bites." Jr tilted his head back as he took a drink. He stared at the now empty glass in his hand. "When you live in the moment, nothing ever happens, and nothing ever progresses. There is no future, and there is no hope." With a flick of his wrist, Jr threw the glass back over the bar. "It bites."
Tony flinched at the sound of shattering glass. Jr put his head back on the bar, his arms out on the brass armrail. "I saved him. It was the only way I could make up for what I did... No, I can never atone for that. But it's all I could do. And this..." He did a small motion with both hands. "...but it'll never be enough.
"He's all I have left." Jr stared blankly at the ceiling. "The others are all gone. I love him more than anything in the world. And he knows that... There's some things that are impossible to keep from him. He'll always know me more intimately than anyone. But I'm supposed to be his son. What an irony."
Tony blinked, trying to understand what the hell Jr was talking about.
"I can see it now." Jr continued. "Kukai Incest Scandal! Oh, the media would love that." He frowned. "I can't risk putting him through that. For his sake and the sake of the foundation."
"Man..." Tony tried to collect his thoughts. "You wanna do your dad!?"
"You idiot, haven't you been paying attention?" Jr glowered at him. "Wasn't I clear enough, or do I have to write it out for you with footnotes!?"
"I think so, I don't know what the hell you're talking about!"
"I don't have anything to write with." Jr sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Anyway, Gaignun isn't my real dad. But don't tell anyone or I'll shoot you."
"Who the hell is Gaignun?"
"You're drunk, aren't you?" Jr squinted over at him.
"Damn right. And you wanna get with your dad."
"Shut up. He's not my Gaignun." Jr flinched and closed his eyes. "People when they look at us, they don't know any better. Everyone knows Gaignun's a playboy. And those damned child services people from the Federation are convinced I'm some innocent little kid being corrupted by him. But they've got it all wrong. He's the pure one. He's the innocent. I'm the corrupter...I'm the monster."
"I still don't know what the hell you're talking about, but aren't you being a little harsh on yourself?" Tony was trying to put it together in his head, and failing miserably.
"I can't expect you to understand." Jr said, sliding an arm back over the bar. "But I bring suffering to everyone who loves me. Like her..." Jr's voice caught for a moment. "And all the others...he barely survived. I won't interfere with his future. I won't inflict him with this sin and pain I carry. This is my punishment."
Something in Jr's words made a bubble of sadness and fury well up inside of Tony. Before he knew what he was doing, he was shouting. "Have you ever considered what he feels!? Did you ever think how lonely he feels when you lock yourself away from him!? Huh!?"
"Uhh?" Jr jumped at the sudden passion in the pilot's voice. "Tony?"
The heat in his head seemed to have burned much of the alcohol's effects away. Tony's head suddenly felt painfully clear as he sat up. He could feel his chest tighten as the memories of the day came flooding back to him. "You say you're a monster. You say he knows you more intimately than anyone. Well if that's true, then he knows and doesn't give a damn. All he wants is to be in your eyes and drown there."
Jr's eyebrows rose. "We aren't talking about me anymore, are we?"
"Umph." Tony rested his head in his hands.
"I think I've been talking too much as well." Jr sighed. "I may not know what you're going through yourself, Tony, but I feel we have much in common. From my own perspective, I can only tell you to beware gazing long into that abyss. Lest the abyss gaze back into you."
Frowning, Tony looked up from his palms. Only to see Jr stumble into the next room, half tripping over his long coat. The door slid closed behind him. With a sigh, Tony let his head sink to the bar surface, and sleep descended on him almost immediately.
by Moonstone04
---
Author's Notes: This is a chaos x Tony yaoi fic, so if you don't like the idea of them loving on each other, flee now. Also, I originally started this fic before any ep2 information was announced, so I consider it to be dated in many ways. However, I expected this when I began. ; Like all my fics, this is heavily based on my personal theories on the series (tho I should point out that the yaoi is just in my fics, not my serious theories). For more information on the bizarre way my mind works, look to my site, chaos theory [chaostheory.50g.com].
Big sorry, I really thought this would be the last chapter (again), but it isn't. It just got way too long again, so I cut it in two. I'm almost done with the final chapter tho, so it shouldn't be too long a wait to the next one. Sorry!
This is the Fanfiction.net edition of this fic. Originally NC-17, it has been edited to fit an R rating. The original, un-cut version of this fic is only being posted at Xenoyaoi on yahoogroups.
---
Chapter Seven
What felt like an eternity of darkness and heat began to lift. A cool, soft touch was on his cheek. With this sensation, at last came a stirring of consciousness as well. Tony turned into the touch, seeking the comfort it offered. Gentle light seeped into the darkness, until he could see a fuzzy silhouette hovering above him.
As the image came into focus, he saw that it was chaos. His liquid blue eyes were filled with concern. Tony reached up to touch his face, and was rewarded with a tearful smile. He wanted to tell chaos not to cry, that he was okay. But he couldn't speak for some reason. Instead, chaos touched Tony's hand against his cheek.
"I love you. You know I love you, don't you?"
Tony didn't see chaos' lips move at all, but somehow heard... no, felt his voice clearly. Then chaos closed his eyes and turned to kiss his hand. And the world was washed away in a flood of light.
---
His body ached all over. That was the first thing Tony was aware of. The next thing he was aware of as he gradually opened his eyes, was the darkness. He didn't feel ready to move, but he slowly took in what little he could of his surroundings.
Wherever he was, it wasn't the Elsa. He seemed to be sleeping on a bed in a fairly large room. The darkness was only broken by soft blue lights along the walls. The rumble of the ship was different from the Elsa. Instead of the smell of dirty socks, there was the oddly unfamiliar scent of air freshener. But there was one familiar thing in the darkness.
On the next bed over, he could hear Hammer's snoring. At least he wasn't alone in this place. As he lay there, the events prior to his blackout slowly came back to him. Where were they? Had the Captain's debtors taken them captive? On weakened arms, Tony forced himself to sit up. Immediately he was nearly overwhelmed by dizziness. Closing his eyes, he took several deep breaths to steady himself.
He didn't have time to be sick. He had to figure out what had happened. The Captain and chaos didn't appear to be anywhere nearby. God, his midsection was so tender. But he was probably lucky to be alive after the hit he had taken. Wincing, he turned to sit on the edge of the bed. So far, so good.
However, as soon as he tried standing on his legs, they folded. He was just too weak. As he collapsed, he grabbed onto the edge of Hammer's bed. This woke Hammer, who nearly jumped out of bed.
"Tony! You're awake!" He helped Tony sit on the bed again. "We were so worried about you, the doctor said it was like a freakin' miracle, you took a direct hit, vital organs, heavy blood loss," Hammer didn't seem to need to breathe yet, "still, even though he said you'd make a full recovery, you wouldn't wake up, and chaos-"
"Whoa..." Tony interrupted. Hammer's rambling was making his fevered head hurt. "Hold on, what's going on? Where are we? Where's chaos and the Captain?"
"We're on the Durandal. I don't know the details, but apparently the ship was in the area when it realized we were under attack. They rescued us. The Captain got knocked out, but you know how hard headed he is. Nothing like that keeps him down long. I think he's been trying to get his mind off things in the ship's casino."
"We're almost killed, and he still hasn't learned." Tony sighed.
"Yeah... And chaos is okay too. I'm not sure where he is, I've only seen him a few times since we got here four days ago. I think he might have a separate room on the ship."
Thinking of chaos made Tony remember the dream he had been having right before regaining consciousness. It had seemed so real, but until now it had slipped from his memory. Suddenly filled with the desire to see chaos, he again struggled to stand.
"Hey! You shouldn't be walking around yet!" Hammer scolded him. "You almost died!"
"Well, I'm not gonna spend my second chance lying around in bed." Tony growled. "Where's my clothes, I want outta here." Steeling himself, he finally managed to stand on his own two feet. He was still shaky and slightly nauseous, but he could deal with that.
"Okay, okay." Hammer sighed. "Let me help you before you fall on your face."
---
After about an hour of searching, Tony was finally steady enough to walk without Hammer's help. They found Captain Matthews asleep on one of the casino couches, but were unable to make much of his sleep talk. Unwilling to stop looking for chaos, Tony went on while Hammer went back to bed.
The Durandal was huge. He had never been onboard a ship that size before. Tony suspected it was bigger than most space colonies. There was a transport train needed just to get around. Eventually, he found his way to a place that appeared to be a small park with a large viewport. Dark and serene, there was very little light at that time of night. Glowing environmental bugs floated among the trees and greenery, like small fairies in an enchanted wood. The only sound here was the crystalline whispers of a tiny stream flowing through the park. Feeling a peacefulness he hadn't felt in a long time, Tony decided to rest there for a little while.
But as Tony walked in further, he saw that he was not alone. Standing before the viewport, bathed in silver starlight, was chaos. For a moment, Tony couldn't move. He was rooted to the spot, unable to do anything but stare. Surrounded by the vastness of the stars, he had never seen chaos look quite so... ethereal. The boy looked too much like a vision, and Tony was suddenly unsure of whether he dared approach.
Then, chaos turned around. The previous aura seemed to fade as chaos' face lit up with joy. "Tony! You're awake!" He ran over to him. "But what are you doing here? I'm sure it isn't a good idea for you to be up and around so soon."
"Eh, I'm okay." Tony smiled. "As long as I'm not dead."
"That's good to hear." chaos then did something that he hadn't done in ages. He hugged Tony tightly.
Before Tony could recover from his shock, chaos had moved away again. Tony was glad it was so dark, because his face was so hot, he knew he must be a violent shade of red. "Uh...yeah... chaos..."
"Tony..."
"Oh! So he's awake?" The new voice came echoing from across the park.
Tony and chaos turned to see what appeared to be a twelve-year old, redheaded kid coming towards them. A black trenchcoat swirled behind him as he walked.
"Yeah." chaos smiled at the young boy. "Jr, this is Tony, our ship's helmsman. Tony, this is Jr, the Durandal's captain."
Tony blinked. "Captain!? This little kid?"
"Hey, watch it!" Jr glared. "I could've left you to the vultures, you know!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it." Tony said sheepishly. "I'm grateful, really. I'm just a little surprised is all. I've never met a captain as young as you are. And of a ship this size... It's really impressive."
The compliment to the ship clearly pleased Jr. He nodded with a smile. "The Durandal's one of a kind, that's for sure. Your Captain Matthews has decided you'll be staying with us until we reach the foundation."
"The foundation?"
Jr raised an eyebrow at chaos, then looked back to Tony. "You've never heard of the Kukai Foundation? Now that's impressive. We can't seem to keep ourselves out of the news these days."
"I guess we've had our hands full lately." Tony said. It was the truth, with the problems surrounding the Captain's debt, they hadn't paid attention to much else.
"It would seem so." Jr walked up beside them and looked out the viewport. "But maybe we can help you guys with that once we return to the foundation."
Tony couldn't help feeling that there was something odd about Jr. Something odd, yet familiar, that he couldn't quite place. It would be years until he understood what it was. But remembering the contemplative look chaos gave Jr, he suspected chaos had known all along. Maybe it was that sense of the same kind of strangeness that had drawn them together from the start. Tony couldn't help being a little jealous, but only a little. There seemed to be a shared sense of sadness between them that Tony somehow knew he was not meant to know. So he was always grateful for Jr's friendship.
---
The next day, Tony went to check out the Elsa. It was in the Durandal's dock, and looked a bit banged up. It didn't look all that bad on the outside, but he knew it was probably going to cost another small fortune to fix. It appeared they had survived only to find themselves in even deeper trouble.
"It's just our luck, of course." Tony sighed as he looked around at the spilled cargo crates on the Elsa's lower deck. It was going to take forever to put everything back in place. "We might as well get started here. Hammer's already assessing the real damage."
"Maybe you should rest some more." chaos said worriedly. "You really shouldn't be doing this kind of work so soon. You could hurt yourself."
"I told you, I'm fine. Let's just get this done with." Tony bent down to pick up a crate that was on its side. Suddenly a sharp pain arced through his midsection. He only winced, but momentarily, he couldn't move. He hoped chaos hadn't noticed, but the silver-haired boy had eyes like a hawk.
"I can't let you do this." chaos reached out to help Tony. "I'll get the Captain to order you out of here if I have to. You need more rest."
"Damnit, chaos, I'm not going to spend the entire day on my ass while the Elsa is like this..." Trying to pull away from chaos, he stepped back into a fallen crate, and lost his balance. Grabbing the nearest thing in a quick attempt to keep himself from slipping backwards, Tony seized the front of chaos' jacket.
There was a comically bewildered look on chaos' face as they both went crashing into the pile of crates. The cargo went flying and skittering across the deck. And everything went dark. But not because Tony had been knocked out. He was still awake. He knew he was still awake because he could feel new pain throughout his body.
"Ow."
"Uh, Tony, you okay?" The darkness lifted as chaos pulled the small crate off Tony's head.
"I think I've broken my back in a few places, but other than that, I'm okay." Tony couldn't help grinning at the look on chaos' face. "I'm kidding. But I'm probably going to be one big bruise tomorrow. Maybe you can kiss it and make it better?" He laughed.
chaos wasn't laughing. From the ambiguously serious look on his face, Tony expected he was about to get lectured again. But no lecture came. Just a strange silence. And Tony became uncomfortably aware of the throbbing heat that chaos was sitting on.
There was a dreamlike quality to the air as chaos leaned down to kiss him. How many times had Tony had dreamed of this? How many times had he woken up to disappointing reality? This couldn't be real, could it? He kept his eyes open, afraid that it would disappear if he closed them. He was afraid to move, afraid to breathe...
A soft groan came from chaos, and suddenly his soft kiss changed into an ardent crush. The silver-haired boy was clutching at his shirt, and Tony could feel the waves of electric heat coming from him. Tony felt overwhelmed, he had never experienced that kind of intensity before. If he hadn't been caught up in it himself, it might have frightened him.
With soft, wanton moans, chaos rubbed and rocked against Tony. It felt too good to be a dream. Unable to restrain himself any longer, he put his arms around chaos and held him tightly. It had been so long since he had felt him so close like this...
All his pain, all their troubles seemed like an entirely different world. At that moment, Tony's whole existence was the world of chaos' heat and touch. The rustle of fabric on fabric, the creak of the material of chaos' jacket. The moans and sighs of chaos and himself. The heavy breathing as they came up for air for a few seconds at a time before coming together in another bruising kiss. The feel of chaos' strong and slender body writhing against him in desperate need. The feel of chaos' burning hardness pressing against his own as Tony arched against him. The hot, wet silk of chaos' mouth, searing him with pleasure. His beautiful, wonderful chaos. The rest of the world could have ended and begun again around them without notice, for all they knew.
When chaos reached down into Tony's trousers and began to stroke him, it was too much. Convulsing with pleasure, Tony finally closed his eyes as he threw his head back. He felt chaos' mouth on his throat, feeling the vibrations there as he cried out. For as long as it lasted, Tony spent himself in chaos' warm grip.
Tony was still trembling with the force of his orgasm when he was finally able to collect himself to speak. chaos was still tasting him, seemingly in a haze of lust.
"I love you." Tony managed to whisper between breaths.
Suddenly, chaos went still. He seemed to rest against Tony for a moment, then slowly rose above him. The boy's eyes were bright with tears. He didn't know what he had done wrong, but Tony felt like kicking himself. chaos was standing up.
"I'm sorry, it's my fault." chaos said in steadying breaths. "I shouldn't have."
Tony couldn't believe it. chaos was building his wall again. He could almost see chaos putting it back up block by block, after it was destroyed in a flood of passion a few minutes ago. He couldn't stand for it. "chaos, don't talk like that! Why can't you just accept my feelings, no, why can't you accept yours? Or is it something else? What are you afraid of?" Finally, he let it all out. "Why are you so desperate for me to forget about you? Why are you always throwing me at random girls... I know... I know it's something you did, it's in my mind now, making me forget whenever there's a pretty girl around. I don't know how you did it, but I know it's your doing..."
chaos was silent as he stared at the floor. There was an slightly frightened look on his face. And there was something else there that Tony hadn't seen before. It was a little unnerving but Tony thought it looked like chaos was swallowing a panic attack. What was wrong? Maybe he had pushed chaos too far.
"...chaos, I..."
"I don't want to cause you any suffering." chaos closed his eyes, visibly steeling himself. "Tony, I do love you, but I wish I could make you understand. You can't love me."
"Why not?" Tony frowned.
chaos just shook his head. "I had a moment of weakness, and I was selfish. That's why I'm sorry, Tony. I shouldn't be putting you through this."
"Wait, what..."
"Don't worry about it." Opening his eyes, chaos smiled sadly. "I can't let you work in your condition. I can handle this by myself. Go get some rest."
Whatever Tony had been going to say seemed unimportant. chaos was right, he had to go rest before he hurt himself. Tony was still sitting on the floor. On shaky legs, he stood and nodded mutely. His emotions were churning, but he said nothing as he found himself heading towards the elevator. He couldn't even look at chaos.
Not until he was in the shower, did he realize he had been in a daze. But it was too late, the moment had come and gone. chaos had done it again. Cursing loudly, Tony pounded the wet tile with his fists. "Why!? Why did he do it!?"
As much as he had dreamed of being with chaos again, he wished it hadn't happened. Not like that. He had learned to live with the longing, the desire he couldn't have. What chaos had just done was the equivalent of opening an old wound. If Tony's feelings had been terrible before, now it was unbearable. His body still shivered with satisfaction, but deep inside, he needed something more.
---
Sitting on a bench, Tony watched the Durandal crew go by. There were a lot of Realians, most of them nearly identical. Brown-haired Realian girls in the same pink jumpsuit went back and forth doing whatever it was they did. Brown-haired Realian boys in the same orange jumpsuit went back and forth doing whatever it was they did. It was bizarre, but by no means out of the ordinary. On the flipside, the human members of the Durandal crew were anything but ordinary. Most of them looked normal, but occasionally there would be someone whose odd hair or eye color gave them away as uberhumans. The Durandal crew was a strange bunch, with an even stranger captain. chaos' own odd features wouldn't even raise an eyebrow in a ship like this one.
Slumping down in his seat, Tony let his head fall back as he stared glumly at the ceiling. There was no getting chaos out of his head. All he thought about was the heat, the kiss, the touch that completed him... And the utter confusion chaos wrecked upon his mind and feelings. He still didn't understand what fears caused chaos to reject him. But chaos was right about one thing, to love him was to suffer. Nothing chaos was afraid of could possibly be worse than this pain...right?
"Man, you look awful. But I guess anyone would after what you went through."
Surprised, Tony pushed himself upright. The "Little Master," as everyone on the ship referred to the captain, was standing there with a bemused expression.
"Uh, yeah." Tony put a hand to his head. "It's been crazy."
"That's life for you." Jr shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned back a bit. "Why don't you come with me. I think we could both use a little break."
Tony still wasn't sure what to make of Jr, but he nodded. "Sure, why not."
---
Damn, Tony had seen many things, but he'd never seen a little kid drink that much. It was a bit unsettling to watch, but anyway, Tony was the last guy to be preaching anything. Jr had saved their lives, and who was he to tell the Durandal's captain what to do?
As it was, Tony was doing his best to get drunk out of his mind. His head was becoming pleasantly fuzzy, and he liked it that way. It made it harder to remember... Instead, he just focused on listening to Jr, who apparently became very vocal when he was drunk. At least, Tony thought Jr was drunk, he just had to be after all that. Jr was downing another shot glass. Then again, the kid seemed to have a constitution of steel.
"...and they've been with us ever since. Those girls really love Gaignun." Jr paused for a moment, and reached back over the bar for another bottle of wine. "I guess word got around after a while, and the foundation became a haven for uberhumans looking for a place they could belong. People come from all over, so the foundation has really grown."
Tony stared into the drink cupped in his hands. Something was biting at his mind, but he couldn't say what it was. It was as fogged as the stately surroundings of Jr's cabin. When he spoke, he wasn't even aware of what he had said until afterwards.
"Have you ever been in love?"
If he wasn't quite so smashed, Tony thought he'd feel like a damned fool. Jr just turned and looked at him with his wide, vivid blue eyes. There was a surprisingly nervous look on Jr's face. Like a cat caught in a canary cage. It reminded Tony of something that made his stomach twist, so he looked away. Whatever. What would some kid know about those kind of feelings, anyway? Tony took another drink in another attempt to drown those thoughts.
Jr finally made a soft amused sound. "Love... Buddha said, he who loves fifty people has fifty woes. He who loves no one has no woes. ...You could say I have my own share of woe. How about you?"
"I guess we're in the same boat."
"I thought so." Jr murmured. "You had that look. I know it too well."
"Look?"
Jr just closed his eyes and leaned back against the bar. "Don't act ignorant."
"Who you calling ignorant, ya squirt." Tony grumbled.
"It bites, you know."
Tony frowned. "What does?"
"Living in the moment. It bites." Jr tilted his head back as he took a drink. He stared at the now empty glass in his hand. "When you live in the moment, nothing ever happens, and nothing ever progresses. There is no future, and there is no hope." With a flick of his wrist, Jr threw the glass back over the bar. "It bites."
Tony flinched at the sound of shattering glass. Jr put his head back on the bar, his arms out on the brass armrail. "I saved him. It was the only way I could make up for what I did... No, I can never atone for that. But it's all I could do. And this..." He did a small motion with both hands. "...but it'll never be enough.
"He's all I have left." Jr stared blankly at the ceiling. "The others are all gone. I love him more than anything in the world. And he knows that... There's some things that are impossible to keep from him. He'll always know me more intimately than anyone. But I'm supposed to be his son. What an irony."
Tony blinked, trying to understand what the hell Jr was talking about.
"I can see it now." Jr continued. "Kukai Incest Scandal! Oh, the media would love that." He frowned. "I can't risk putting him through that. For his sake and the sake of the foundation."
"Man..." Tony tried to collect his thoughts. "You wanna do your dad!?"
"You idiot, haven't you been paying attention?" Jr glowered at him. "Wasn't I clear enough, or do I have to write it out for you with footnotes!?"
"I think so, I don't know what the hell you're talking about!"
"I don't have anything to write with." Jr sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Anyway, Gaignun isn't my real dad. But don't tell anyone or I'll shoot you."
"Who the hell is Gaignun?"
"You're drunk, aren't you?" Jr squinted over at him.
"Damn right. And you wanna get with your dad."
"Shut up. He's not my Gaignun." Jr flinched and closed his eyes. "People when they look at us, they don't know any better. Everyone knows Gaignun's a playboy. And those damned child services people from the Federation are convinced I'm some innocent little kid being corrupted by him. But they've got it all wrong. He's the pure one. He's the innocent. I'm the corrupter...I'm the monster."
"I still don't know what the hell you're talking about, but aren't you being a little harsh on yourself?" Tony was trying to put it together in his head, and failing miserably.
"I can't expect you to understand." Jr said, sliding an arm back over the bar. "But I bring suffering to everyone who loves me. Like her..." Jr's voice caught for a moment. "And all the others...he barely survived. I won't interfere with his future. I won't inflict him with this sin and pain I carry. This is my punishment."
Something in Jr's words made a bubble of sadness and fury well up inside of Tony. Before he knew what he was doing, he was shouting. "Have you ever considered what he feels!? Did you ever think how lonely he feels when you lock yourself away from him!? Huh!?"
"Uhh?" Jr jumped at the sudden passion in the pilot's voice. "Tony?"
The heat in his head seemed to have burned much of the alcohol's effects away. Tony's head suddenly felt painfully clear as he sat up. He could feel his chest tighten as the memories of the day came flooding back to him. "You say you're a monster. You say he knows you more intimately than anyone. Well if that's true, then he knows and doesn't give a damn. All he wants is to be in your eyes and drown there."
Jr's eyebrows rose. "We aren't talking about me anymore, are we?"
"Umph." Tony rested his head in his hands.
"I think I've been talking too much as well." Jr sighed. "I may not know what you're going through yourself, Tony, but I feel we have much in common. From my own perspective, I can only tell you to beware gazing long into that abyss. Lest the abyss gaze back into you."
Frowning, Tony looked up from his palms. Only to see Jr stumble into the next room, half tripping over his long coat. The door slid closed behind him. With a sigh, Tony let his head sink to the bar surface, and sleep descended on him almost immediately.