Disclaimer: What? You mean I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!? Since when? And I don't own the song 'Ending in Tragedy' by New Found Glory either? -slams down phone- Now they tell me!
Title: Misery Medley
Pairing: Seto Kaiba/Joey Wheeler.
Summary: Joey wrote a letter to Kaiba that explains how he really feels. When he finally gets the courage to give it to him, what will be the ending result? Yaoi and shounen-ai, KaibaJoey.
Warnings: More bishies in pain. Yay!
Author's Notes: Yet another chapter which was written at around 12 in the morning. Maybe if I wrote during…I dunno…the daytime, my fics would be better. I might even be able to write Joey in character! -sigh- Oh well. Gah, this story is getting depressing. Maybe it's just the song (it's really sad, if you listen to it, you'll know what I mean) but I felt sad while writing this chapter. Oh, thank you to all who reviewed. You all are so kind and were so sweet. It's just great fun making Kaiba a bastard, to let you all know. You should try it sometime! And I have decided that there is going to be this chapter, then one more. I still haven't decided whether or not to have a fluffy ending or not.
Kai-Kai-san: As long as I'm happy.
-rolls eyes- Honestly Joe, what do you see in him?
Joe-Joe-kun (I almost wrote Jou-Jou. No! Must…use…dub…names): -looks up from staring at Kaiba's ahem…lower regions- Huh?
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Chapter Three: From the Inside
I tried to save us
But little did I know
You are a speeding train off track
With little time to go
Should I have given up earlier? Was it a mistake to be with you at all? I really did try, honest, I did. Tried to be…anything you wanted me to be for you. I felt like I owed it to you or something. Well not me personally, but someone did. You needed someone, didn't you? Someone to be there for you, always. I know you had Mokuba, but you he couldn't be there for you like that, because that would uh…be really, really, wrong.
You did need someone. I know you did. I saw it in your eyes sometimes. The way they would shine with determination, anger, lust, annoyance. They reflected everything you felt. Especially your need. Your need to have someone with you, someone love you, someone hold you; you needed someone to be weak for you, and you always will.
I was willing to give that to you. Do you know how hard that was for me? To stop trying to fight all the time just so that I could be weak for you? I guess it's kind of weird -but it's you, and your not exactly the poster child for 'normal', especially when it comes to relationships- but people always say that they want someone to be strong for them. You don't want that, and you don't need that. You are strong. You have so much strength sometimes it scared me. You needed to use it; you couldn't just sit around in an office typing away at a keyboard. That's why you Duel.
I don't know if you even remember telling me, or meant to tell me, but you slipped one night and so did it. It's not that you like to fight, it's just how you live. You were brought up fighting and you can't quit. You couldn't, not even if you wanted to. Did it scare you? That drive, that burn to fight and struggle all the time, the kind you couldn't control. You hate not being in control. But I'm getting off track again, aren't I? You Duel because it gives you a reason to fight; something to fight for. That's a reason you used to fight with me all the time. Because you had to fight. That's why you needed -and still do, maybe- me to be weak for you. So that you could always fight; not only for yourself, but for me, too.
I tried everything
Tried so hard to let you know
But now I'm on my last thread
Pulling away to no avail
I hated it at first. Loathed the fact that you always wanted to fight my battles and have control over everything. But you know what, after a while, it wasn't so bad. It was kind of nice, actually. I was tired of always trying to be strong; I don't think I was all that good at it, anyway. I knew that if it ever became too much, and I couldn't find the strength, you would be there. It reassured me, in some twisted way, to let you have such complete and utter control over everything sometimes.
I think I put that in the letter. I guess control was always an issue with us. It's not as if I'm some type of freak who has to command every single aspect of almost everything in almost everyone's lives -cough…you…cough- but I did like some type of control, even when I was being weak. I think you liked that, in some way. You liked being able to be the one in the drivers seat, but you still got to fight, even then.
Wasn't it working for you? The weak/strong/fight/submit/love/hate thingy we had? Or did it just get boring to you? Was I not enough to hold your interest? God, what am I even talking about? I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm the one who left you. I walked out of that door and I'm the one sitting alone in my bedroom on a Friday night…brooding again. I blame you for that, too. I wouldn't even know what brooding was if I hadn't spent so much time with you. Was the time with you wasted…or was it worth it?
Honestly, I don't know. And I don't know why I'm still going over it all. You've obviously gotten over it, so why can't I? I'm just…confused. I thought that maybe if I left it would clear up all the confusion, but it hasn't. I still loath you with a passion; especially when I see you with that Rachel bitch…I mean girl. But I still have feelings for you. I don't know if you have feelings for me. I mean, you can't, or else you wouldn't being playing tonsil hockey with cheerleader sluts…again, I meant girls, in the parking lot. So if you don't care…then why should I? Why should I let myself wallow in self-pity over something I brought upon myself? I shouldn't be this miserable. Leaving was supposed to fix that. And it hasn't. I'm still miserable. Just more so…since I can't blame you. I can only blame myself. Sighing, I allow myself to fall back on my bed and let my eyes drift close. I don't want this. I want to get over you. So…I will.
Yeah
Now it's our time
Yeah
Now it's our time
And I'll see you on the other side
Won't I? I mean, I will get over you, right? I have to. Damn it, I don't know. Maybe leaving wasn't the greatest idea in the world. I had no idea it would hurt this much. When I wrote that letter, I didn't feel the things I feel now. Well I did, I was just more bitter about it. I guess I just hadn't realized just how deep I really was. But now I do, and it's too late. Much to late. I mean, you're already over me. You've moved on and are living your life without so much as looking my way. Why can't I do that? Maybe I just not as detached as you are.
I'm convinced that I meant nothing to you. Then, I remember the times when I was convinced that I meant the world to you…like you could have loved me even. And then well, I'm just confused again. I really hate feeling like this, I hope you know. I keep second guessing everything I do. I want to talk to you, but what could I possibly say? Ask you how come you aren't off somewhere being heartbroken because the love of your life had walked out on you? That would be stupid. I'm most certainly not the love of your life; I mean, you'd have to actually love me for that to happen.
Did I want you to be heartbroken? Not want, maybe. Just, expected. No, I didn't expect you to be heartbroken. Maybe affected, but not heartbroken. Hoped. Yeah, that was it. I hoped that I had meant so much to you that I shattered your black little heart into a million pieces.
If I'm a sadist then well…I blame you for that, too. It's easy to blame stuff on you. And there I go. Being weak again and letting you fight. You know, it's amazing how you didn't even have to do anything to drive me insane -no, I'm not really insane, but you know what I'm talking about. You go through our whole thingy, taking what you want and giving what you see fit, then watch me leave, and the next day get a new person to be your plaything; you didn't lift a finger and I still feel like dirt. And I basically did it to myself. Man, I'm more screwed up then I thought I was.
One thing is for sure; I have to stop going over this. I really am going to go insane if I keep it up. If I replay that night in my mind one more time I'm going to end up pulling out all of my hair or something. I have to believe that giving you that letter was the right thing to do. I have to believe that leaving you was right. If I don't I'm going to just keep second guessing and analyzing and doing a whole lot of other things that make my head hurt. I have to think of the positives. Like, if I had never left, then I would still be living in my fantasy world; the one where I thought you actually cared about me…somewhat, at least. I would hate to live a lie like that. I could never do something like that, you know, live a lie. Not like you.
Beneath all your skin
There's another side to you
You built up city walls so I never get through
You built up city walls so I never get through
Yeah, you live a lie. The thing is, you've been living it so long, you don't know what's real anymore. You've spent so much time being cold and ruthless that your mask of ice is your real face. I think I would have liked to known you before…before you were like you are. When you were always the Seto that Mokuba claims you to be. You would have been nice then. But…I don't know if I could be able to handle a nice, kind, fluffy Seto. As sad as it is, I think I'm better off with cold hearted, bastard Kaiba.
And didn't I just say I was going to stop this? Stop thinking about you, brooding about you, having deep thoughts about you? God…since when did I have deep thoughts anyway? I liked it better when everything was simple. When the worst things I had to worry about was stuff like 'how drunk is dad going to be tonight?', 'will I get my homework turned in on time?', 'can I handle the beatings I'm going to get when I decide I'm going to quit the gang?'. You know…simple stuff. Easy stuff. You're definitely not easy. When I say…err…think that, I mean not easy as in your not easy to figure out. Not that your easy the other way. Not that you were hard or anything. Well…for me you weren't. What can I say? Must be the Wheeler charm. When we first got together, I thought I was going to be the one waiting for you to be able to trust me enough to go that far. But, ironically, you were the one waiting for me. And that was a whole of about…what? Five minutes, tops?
I should probably stop that train of thought, because once again, I'm supposed to stop dwelling about us. I ended it, for good. You're not going to come to me, begging me for forgiveness, and I'm not going to crawl back to you, begging to be taken back. So it's over. And you aren't supposed to sit around and just keep moping about things that are finished. You and I have broken up. We're…broken. And we're not going to be fixed. Ever.
Yeah
Now it's our time
Yeah
Now it's our time
And I'll see you on the other side
I think I just had some type of revelation or something. You and me aren't ever going to be together again, and I'm either going to have to accept that, or I'm going to end up sitting on this bed and brooding until I'm an old man. I'm not going to let that happen. I've given you too much control already. That's it, Seto Kaiba. I'm cutting you off. You want to date some little whore…I really do mean girl -heh, honest- good for you. More power to you, in fact. Hope you two have a wonderful life together. I know I'm going to have a wonderful one without you.
I stand up and walk over to my closet, pulling out a dark green shirt and throw it on. I need to get out of this apartment and take a walk or something, and I can't very well do that half-naked. Don't think people would be too appreciative of that. (a/n: -raises hand shyly- um…I would.)
"Dad!" I call out. I see him lying on the couch, staring blankly at the TV screen. He turns his head, looking back at me. I smile at him softly. "I'm gonna go out, 'kay?"
"Fine," he says. "Just don't stay out too late. And be careful, Joey."
"Right. Love 'ya, bye!"
I open the door and begin heading out of the building. Soon I find myself walking down the street, breathing in the cool October air. I shiver a little as a breeze hits me, and realize I probably should have brought a coat or something. One thing you were useful for, you always had that trench coat. That I could use right now. Damn it Joey…your not suppose to be thinking about him! I sigh softly and kick an empty beer can into the street.
I walk around aimlessly for a while. Of course, I end up at the karaoke bar, a place I need to be right now. Maybe I'll sing one of those country songs where the girl finally leaves her good-for-nothing boyfriend and gets all empowered at the end. I frown, realizing that there is a very sever flaw in my logic. That would make me the girl. I blush slightly to myself as I push the door open. Out of all the ways we could end, we do it with me blushing at the front door at the karaoke bar. Funny…that's the same we got together, if memory serves.
Why would I take it too far?
Without thinking about the end at all?
And of course you have to be there, front row and center, Rachel giggling about something as she presses a kiss to your neck. Ah yes, life is perfect. Note the sarcasm. I really should just turn around and leave right now. Forget I even saw you with her. Forget I ever saw you at all.
Your eyes met mine, and I'm trapped again. Just like I was when I saw the two of you kissing at school. I can't help but clench my teeth at the memory. Somehow I manage to pull my eyes away from your own, although it's incredibly hard. Your eyes remind me of black holes -don't laugh, I'm going somewhere with this analogy- because they seem to attract everything in their path, and once they've caught you, you can never pull yourself out. I've always liked your eyes.
I begin heading towards the back, nodding at a few waiters that know me around here. I sit down and can't help but look back at up at your table. Your arm is around her again, and she's still kissing your neck, and you look like your about ready to slap her…or maybe not. I don't know, all I can really see is the back of your head. But I can tell by the way your arm sits so tensely on her shoulders that your keeping yourself from doing something; what it is thought, I don't know. Slapping her, kissing her, looking back at me? All possibilities, I guess.
I order a Vanilla Coke and some fries. Not that I'm really hungry -yes, shocking isn't it- but I figure that eating will keep me from walking up there and cursing you out for not being at home alone, crying your eyes out over the fact that I'm not there anymore. I think that my whole 'not-ever-thinking-about-Kaiba' plan went right out the window as soon as I saw you. Not that it was going very well to begin with, anyway. Looks like I can't just quit you cold turkey. I look up and see your eyes on me. You blink and quickly turn your head -in embarrassment? What was that look in your eyes? Anger, jealousy, resentment, hurt? I could have swore I saw those almost tears in your eyes again. Maybe I won't have to quit cold turkey.
If a fortune could say what the future will bring
Then I'm not convinced
It's ending in tragedy
I do have to quit though, I'm pretty sure of that. But maybe I don't have to just stop thinking about you, seeing you, remembering you at one time. I'll do it gradually. Like one of those twelve step program things. Yeah. That should work, right? I'll take things nice and slow.
Step One: I am going to stop second guessing my decision to leave you. I did it for the right reasons; it just wasn't working. I was falling for you, and you were…well I don't know what the hell you were doing. Playing around, having some fun. Certainly not falling in love.
Step Two: Cut down on brooding. I'm not going to sit around and think about all the bad times we had together, or do any more of that deep thinking about our relationship thingy.
Step Three: I will stop feeling like crying every time I see you with Rachel.
Step Four: I…I will admit that I fell in love with you.
Step Five: I will try my damndest to fall out of love with you.
Step Six: I'll…um…I don't know. When I make it all the way to step five -if I make it- I'll think of the rest.
And most of all
It's in my control
To end it all
I wonder what's going to be the hardest step. I look up again, only to see the two of you making out again. Your eyes are open, which is kind of strange. You always closed your eyes when we kissed. And you had your eyes closed when I saw you two the first time. Maybe your going to look back at me again, like you did in the parking lot. Don't do that…please don't do that. It's bad enough you brought her here, to the last place I had. Please God just don't look at me.
"Here you go, Joey," says the waitress as she comes by, placing the plate of fries and drink on the table.
I look up at her and offer a weak smile. "T'anks," I tell her.
"No problem. Hey, are you performing tonight?" she asks softly, her green eyes flickering with something I can't quite place.
"…probably," I answer, reaching to take a sip of my Coke.
She smiles widely and pats my back. "Great! Well I hope you have fun! Good luck Joey!" With another wide grin she turns around and walks back to the kitchen.
I watch her leave in confusion, blinking slightly. What was that all about? It was like she knows something that I don't. Which could be what…exactly? I hope she's not the one who picks out the songs again. Sometimes they choose the songs for the contestants to sing, and there's usually some type of grand prize for the winner, or winners, for duets. I've never won before; the duets always win. It's so unfair.
My eyes wander to you again, and you're still kissing her. Maybe you really are some type of robot; you obviously don't need air. She pulls back, smiling at you, and you mirror the smile. I look back down my fries, absently twirling one around my fingers. I blink, trying to hold back tears. I think…I think step three and five are going to be the hardest.
Yeah
Now it's our time
Yeah
Now it's our time
And I'll see you on the other side
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All right. We only have one more chapter to go. Yay! This chapter isn't as long as the other two (and in my opinion, isn't as good, but I did finish it at 2 AM) but the song is a lot shorter than the first two.
Kai-Kai-san: The next one is the last chapter?
Yep!
Kai-Kai-san: Thank God. I finally get my puppy back………right?
Uh…
Kai-Kai-san: RIGHT?!
Please review! I'll love you forever (non-gaily, don't be scared)
Kai-Kai-san: RIGHT?!