Disclaimer: I still don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! Or the New Found Glory song 'This Disaster'? Damn…
Title: Misery Medley
Pairing: Seto Kaiba/Joey Wheeler, Tristan/Duke (I don't know how that got in there. I just kind of accidently put them together. Heh.)
Summary: Joey wrote a letter to Kaiba that explains how he really feels. When he finally gets the courage to give it to him, what will be the ending results? Yaoi and shounen-ai, Kaiba/Joey.
Warnings: Language, yaoi, shounen-ai, lots of out of character-ness on Joey's part (cause of the letter, and all, I'm not sure) and heart broken bishies. Whoo-hoo!
Author's Notes: Last chapter. -does happy dance- I can't believe how quickly I finished this story. I wrote a chapter a day. I'm so cool! Thank you everyone who reviwed, you all are great. Heh. Everyone's mad at Kaiba. -giggles-
Kai-Kai-san: Well this chapter is told in my point of view, so now they can know my side of the story and feel sorry for me too.
-nods- He's right, actually. I think you all might feel just a tad bit sorry for Kai-san after reading this chapter. And also, instead of starting out with song lyrics (we finally get to the karaoke in the chapter) it's starting out with the infamous letter you've all heard so much about. Yay.
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Chapter Four: And So It Ends
Kaiba, if your reading this, then that means I finally had the guts to give this to you. Which means I'm probably gone, and that you and I broke up. I wonder how long it took me to give this to you? However long it was, I'm sure it's about two times longer than I thought we would be together. Sorry…rambling. Uh…yeah. So, I guess your wondering why I wrote you this, right? It's to say goodbye. I started this letter out as a way to write down my feelings, but then it sort of turned into this...the reasons I can't stay. So uh…here I go.
Kaiba, I really like you. Honestly, truly, like you. The thing is I can't tell if you feel the same way. I know your never going to tell me, and I can't just sit around and wonder forever…that's why I can't stay.
Kaiba, why can't you just relax? I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you. It's not like I'm going to go crazy and kill you to get your money or anything. You keep me at arms length; you keep acting like I'm still your enemy…that's why I can't stay.
Kaiba, you're a control freak. I know that you probably know that, and I'm not the only to tell you that hat, but it's true. You keep pushing me away but you keep smothering me at the same time. You always want to keep me down, just because you have to be on top -and I do mean that in more ways than one-…that's why I can't stay.
Kaiba, you confuse me. You say one thing then you do another. You say you don't care but act like you do. Do you act the way you do just so you can have the upper hand? You keep me guessing, which is all right. I like surprises. But you make me wonder far too many things about myself. You make me want to be something else, and I don't want to change…that's why I can't stay.
Kaiba, you'd destroy me. I think I could love you, I really do. If you let me, that is. And if you did, then I would stay with you. I would just stay and take whatever crap you gave to me, because I'd love you, and you would use it to your advantage. You take every weakness and exploit it, and in the end I'd just be broken. Then you wouldn't want me anyway…that's why I can't stay.
Kaiba, I should hate you. I really should. Once I thing about everything you've done; not only to me, but to my friends, I think I should hate you. Part of me does still and will always hate you. But the fact that I could see myself loving you too scares the hell out of me. I shouldn't betray my friends like that, because their the people that stuck by me for all that time, and you're the one who put me down, but you're the one I find myself thinking about when I go to sleep…that's why I can't stay.
Uh…so yeah…that's it. I really meant to make it only one reason but the pen and uh my hand well…they just got a life of their own. Maybe we could be friends or something…but what am I saying? Your Seto Kaiba and you don't have friends. You don't have…anything really. I wish it would have worked, but it didn't, so I guess I should end this now and just let you get back to that computer of yours, eh moneybags? And hey you know maybe…look I…God things are supposed to be easier when you write them down. Look Kaiba, maybe one of these days we could try again, if your willing. You can talk to me, even now. I'd be there for you, if you ever needed me to. And…well…that's it.
Sincerely…
Yours truly…
Bye…Joey.
I don't know how many times I re-read the letter before it finally sunk in. You had finally had enough of me. You'd finally gotten tired of all my shit and given up. You had actually left me. When it did finally make it's way to my mind, when I could finally grasp the concept of you walking away from me and never coming back, when the words began to actually make sense, it hurt. After that letter, I was just about as torn up inside as I was when I saw Mokuba, soulless and under Pegasus' control at Duelist Kingdom. I don't know what it was, but I felt something inside of me snap as I realized what had just happened.
I'd lost you. My puppy…my Joey. And I hadn't just I lost you; I'd driven you away. Everything you said in that letter was true, I'd be in complete denial if I said it wasn't. I did push you away, treat you more like an enemy than a lover, and all of the other things you accused me of. It wasn't by choice, you know. Did you really think that I meant to do all of those things? That I meant to insult you and hurt you when all I really wanted to do was just hold you?
Do you know why I was with Rachel? I remember seeing you on Wednesday…that hurt too. Seeing that pain in your eyes. All I wanted to was break away and run over to you, pull you in my arms and kiss you breathless. You probably didn't even notice -your completely oblivious to such obvious things sometimes- the similarities between the two of you. Blond hair, brown eyes, light, flawless skin; the way you liked to argue, Duel, even that naive, idiocy you have about you. You have a lot of similarities actually. She's almost the female equivalent of you. Although she's nowhere near as beautiful. Now that I think about it, no one will be able to match you. Ever.
Did you wonder what we were arguing about? It was about you, I'll have you know. The only reason I started dating her was because it hurt. Yeah, that's right; I was so attached that I couldn't go two entire days without having someone with me. You made me so dependent, you know that? Always having to have someone that was willing to hold me, be held, fight for me, let me fight for them. That's the only reason I was with her pup, I just want you to know that. Know that she didn't mean anything to me.
She…kissed like you. It was strange, really strange. Maybe it was just my imagination. Pitiful to think that it was all in my mind, but it was like you. Such soft lips, warm skin, the way her fingers went through my hair all the way to the nape of my neck; I forgot that it wasn't you. Forgot that it wasn't my puppy that I was holding against me.
We were making out heavily one night at her house. And God I swear when I kissed her I tasted you. Honestly, I think the memory of you is doing something to me pup. She was kissing my neck like you used to -maybe she kisses like a boy, or is it you kiss like a girl? Now that's an amusing thought- and all I felt was blond hair running through my fingertips.
"Joey…"
I wasn't even aware that I said your name until I found myself shoved on the ground and their was an unexplainable pain in my groin -now that hurt. I looked up and saw her sitting on the couch, her eyes narrowed and angry, like they were on fire -not as beautiful as yours, of course, but I already mentioned that- as she stared down at me.
"Joey?" she asked softly.
"What are you talking about?" I quetioned her, deciding maybe I could play it cool.
"You said his name, Kaiba."
I stood up and gave her the most convincing 'I-have-no-idea-what-the-hell-your-going-on-about' glare I could get -I could lie to her. I'll admit, she was a lot like you, but she didn't have your eyes, therefore could never make me tell her the truth.
"I think you should go."
So I left. Wednesday rolled around and she didn't want to talk to me. I caught her in the parking lot and that's where it happened. What you saw pup, it was just me trying to convince her that it was her I wanted, not you; when really it was the exact opposite. That's why I kissed her, but I couldn't close my eyes. If I closed my eyes then I might fool myself into thinking it was you again. And when I caught your eyes…
I shouldn't have done what I did. I should have looked away but I didn't. I don't really know why, but I couldn't bring myself too. Maybe it's because I really am just a heartless bastard. Maybe that's why I brought her to the karaoke bar. That was low, even for me, I'll admit. I don't enjoy hurting you pup…it's just…I wanted to see you. And I wasn't about to come here alone.
So many questions came with that letter. Do you really hate me still? I guess I can't blame you. You are right, you know. You should hate me. And it really would be easier if you did hate me. Because if you loathed me instead of caring for me, hurting you could have been so much easier. Do you really think I would have broken you? I wouldn't have done it on purpose, I swear it. I might put you down sometimes, but break you down completely? I would never forgive myself for that. Hell pup, if you cried because of me, I think my heart -what's left of it, anyway- would break in two. I hope I never made you cry, but somehow I feel a nagging in the back of my mind that it'd be foolish of me to think that. I can still hope though; pretend. Since I've never seen you cry, I can pretend that you never have.
It's easy living in denial. It was too easy for me. I learned how to surround myself with a collection of complex twists and turns, weaving myself away from the truth when it go a little too close; a little too painful. But then there's…you. I look into those eyes of yours -big, soulful, filled with fire and suspicion, yet a certain innocent trust, like you would believe anything I told you if I could make it sound sincere enough- and I can't bring myself to move; I can't bring myself spin a web to hide from anything. I can't lie to you, pup.
You have no right to do that to me. You have no right to make me see the truth, but you do. You seem to forget who your dealing with. I'm Seto Kaiba, and I'm not the sort of person who can manipulated into caring for anyone -other than Mokuba. But you managed to pull it off. You made me want to tell you the truth, you made me want to -God, am I even admitting to this?- feel again.
I let you have control over me. Did you ever notice how much power you held over me? That's not how it was supposed to be, you know. It wasn't what I had planned. I was going to use you. Make you weak so that I could be strong; I was perfectly willing to break you then. But then you had to go and…do that. You had to keep looking at me with those clear eyes, giving me those soft, trusting kisses, acting as if you cared for me; loved me even, or something close to that. If you hadn't done that everything would have been fine. I could have kept on hating you. I could have remained completely detached, unaffected by anything and everything you did. But no, you couldn't just leave it well enough alone could you? You went and made me care, stupid dog. Made me want you, made me need you, made me…care.
I craved your weakness, to see fire and pain in your eyes, that's all it was in the beginning. Then I started wanting more. Call me selfish -and I am- but I started needing it. I started needing more than dominance and control, more than the spark in your eye. I started needing ridiculous things, insane things; the feel of you next to me when I woke up in the morning, the soft smiles you gave, the love you seemed to give so freely to everyone. That's what I needed. I was so determined to get it…that I guess I never realized when I'd actually gotten it.
I didn't notice though. I kept striving to find someway, some possible way that could make you love me. I wasn't sure if I even loved you, or if I could possibly ever love you; that wasn't important. I just wanted you to love me. Somehow it became the one thing I ever tried to get from you, though I suppose my methods didn't work quite too well. It's not as if I had someone to teach me about love -I doubt you wanted me to use the methods Gozaburo had when he was teaching me how to show love to him. Though if you did…it would certainly make things more interesting. Much more twisted and disturbing, yes, but interesting none the less.
I think I almost cried when I read that letter. Almost, because you know I would never really cry. I had worked so hard to get you to love me -I'd been desperate to do anything that might have gotten your love, gotten you to give me your heart, I'd tried everything, and in the end I only ended up making you believe that I didn't care for you- only to see my efforts destroyed with a few words. You liked me, and I'll admit that -pathetically- it made me skyrocket for a little while, just the thought that you truly, honestly, sincerely had some type of feelings for me -though it wasn't exactly what I'd wanted- and then it all came crashing back down as soon as I finished it.
You said you hated me; that some part of you would always hate me. I'd worked so hard for so long to dispel any feelings of bitterness towards me, and in the end all I had done was embed those feelings of resentment in you permanently. You put in the letter that you would always be there for me, but you had to be lying. After everything I had put you through, even claiming that you still hated me -not that I don't believe you or anything- you were willing to give it another try, another round with Seto Kaiba. It must have been all of that time with Yugi or all of those speeches Tea put you through that caused you to put that. I know that if I were to go up to you and ask you to come back to me -not that I ever would, for reasons I'll reveal soon enough- you would just give me that confused, innocent look that you had every time I asked you to do something I could tell your insides were screaming at you not to do. But you'd end up submitting anyway, doing whatever it was patiently even though I know you were just itching to beat the hell out of me.
I can't do that to you anymore, puppy. That's why I could never take you back. You couldn't possibly want me. And if you did, then maybe I really did break you, wear you down just a bit too much. I couldn't stand that, and I'd just have to make myself another set of lies to pretend like I hadn't. And if you didn't want me…you would probably come with me anyway, wouldn't you? Just because you promised it to me in that damn letter. You would feel like, if I put myself on the line enough to ask you back, that you owed it to me. I'm realizing my mistakes now. I can't force you to love me; I won't force you into some kind of relationship with me. I…care for you too much.
One thing that hurt almost as much -maybe more- then the fact that you said you would always hate me, was the fact that you always called me Kaiba. In fact, you've never once called me Seto. I can recall a million and one times when I would have rather heard that name from your lips over anything else -well besides maybe I love you. Maybe that's one of the reasons I still kept treating you like my enemy. Because as long as you referred to me as Kaiba -it's not even my name, not really. My name is Seto, Kaiba is just a formality, it never meant anything, it's not mine- you were still treating me like your enemy.
You still hated me. I don't think my ego will ever get over that one, although I don't know what I could have expected. You'll always hate me…always? If I wasn't so damn proud, I would admit to myself that I love you; and if I did that, I think that letter might have destroyed me. But I am too proud, and I will never admit that you affected me so much as to make me love you. I'd admit I gave you power, gave you strength over me; I can't do that. No matter how hard I try…I couldn't even if I wanted to pup, believe that. And even though I can't admit I love you -not that I'm acknowledging the feeling in anyway in this statement- I can certainly say I don't hate you. There is not a single part of me that even has the strength to hate you. The most I might feel is a bit of bitterness because I had to give up some control to you, but other than that well there's only…well you know. That thing I have for you that I can't admit. God, it was so much easier when we just hated each other.
"Are you aware
Of how much you complicate me?" I sing, as calmly as I can.
"And are you aware
Your words suffocate me?" Your eyes flash, and I think your angry about something. But you look hurt too. Whenever I find out who randomly picked us to a duet together -to this song, no less- I will have them hunted down, tortured, and maimed.
"And don't deny
You've been talking behind my back to your friends," I sing, and feel the truth in the words as my voice gets a bit stronger, angrier even.
"And don't deny
One day you'll need me…need me."
There is a pause, and we both unsure. This is just weird. I'm sure you know that too. Isn't it too much of a coincidence for us to both be chosen to sing a random duet together? And these lyrics…if I didn't know any better, I'd say that someone planned this or something. We both open our mouths, singing the chorus together in harmony.
"All my life I've been looking for the answers
To the questions you never asked and
We never planned on this disaster
When will I let it go?"
I take a breath and you nod, starting off this verse by singing the line as it appears on the screen.
"So incomplete
Your stare is cold unlike anything I've ever seen."
"So incomplete
Your body is tired and falling apart at the seams."
"I won't deny
I took no part in ever wanting you back."
"And don't deny
One day you'll need me…need me."
Once again we go back to singing together. You look angry. Your releasing everything into your words, and it's almost breathtaking to watch. Now I remember why I used to sit in the back sometimes and watch you sing. You seem so carefree when you do; your pouring your heart and soul and everything you've got into each word. Your so passionate about everything you do, your entire life; your friends, family, dueling, even singing. What would it be like if I was on that list? To know that you put just as much into loving me -not hating me, I'm living in denial here, remember?- as everything else.
"All my life I've been looking for the answers
To the questions you never asked and
We never planned on this disaster
When will I let it go?"
Your grip on the mic tightens; now I know your angry. I look out in the crowd, at the table where Rachel should be. Odd…she's not there.
"If it's tonight
Please let me know
If it's tonight
Why don't you let me know?
All my life I've been looking for the answers
To the questions you never asked and
We never planned on this disaster
When will I let it go?"
The audience is cheering, and I think it's pretty safe to assume that we've won. We were the last "randomly picked couple" to perform…I swear this is some kind of conspiracy. I wonder who's behind it? Yugi perhaps? Hmm…somehow I don't think so. We walk off the stage, neither of us looking at each other as a man goes up on stage and begins talking about something or other. Neither of us are paying attention. Instead we lean against the wall next to the other contests and stare down at the floor, pretending the other doesn't exist.
I want to ask you so badly, but I bite my lip to keep my mouth shut. I've already hurt you enough. Like you said…I would end up breaking you. And I won't do that to you, no matter how much I want you to love me. I may not be the kindest, most sensitive, loving guy in the world, but I'll be damned if I've allowed myself to become so cruel that I would knowingly break you down as badly as you obviously think I would.
There is another applause and someone slaps my back. I look up, ready to punch whomever had the stupidity to touch me right now, only to see a grinning man pointing up to the stage. People are smiling at us and I hear people cheering your name -you come here enough, honestly, they should rent you some type of apartment or little closet to put all your stuff in so you can stay here 24/7- and I know that indeed, our little number won us the contest.
A woman with blond hair comes walking towards us, holding out some fifty dollar gift certificates to some restaurant. I don't see the name, just grab the certificate and stuff it in my pocket. I take a chance to glance at you, and catch as soft smile on your face as you fold it and tuck it into your pocket. You catch me staring and look up, our eyes meeting for a moment that seems to last an eternity.
There are so many things I want to say, and they almost all rush out at once, but all I can do is force myself to stare at you emotionlessly. I won't let you undo me this time, pup. This is the most important truth I've ever had to hide from you; I'm not going to let you hold power over me now, not when the stakes are this high.
I manage to pull my eyes away from you and I scan the room, searching for another blond head so I can get the hell out of here. I think I spot her, standing near the back. I begin walking towards her but stop mid stride when I see the brown haired boy she's talking to. Another teen joins them, absently twirling a lock of raven hair in his fingertips.
I look back and see that your just as confused as I am. Why is she talking to Tristan and Duke? What in the hell is going on around here? Clenching my teeth I begin walking over to them, my glare speaking volumes of the pain they are going to feel if I find out their behind this.
"You," I hiss, and all three of them turn to face me.
"Uh…hey Kaiba!" they all say nervously.
I can feel my eye beginning to twitch in anger, but instead take a deep breath. "Come on Rachel, we don't have time to stay here and talk with these losers."
"Lay off Kaiba," Tristan barks -funny, I thought that was your job- glaring. "She can talk to whoever she wants."
"And why she would want to talk to such an utter waste of space like you, I'll never have any idea," I smirk.
"Leave him alone," Duke tells me.
I continue smirking, as if I'm going to be intimated by him. "Or what, Devlin? You'll chuck a dice at me? I don't have time to waste on the two of you."
"Do you always have to be such a prick, Kaiba?"
That voice…how long has it been since I've heard it? It doesn't even matter that your insulted me; I'm just ridiculously happy that you're speaking to me. I turn around, unable to keep my superior smirk from faltering slightly as I level your glare.
"Do you always have to be such an annoyance? Ah wait…I forgot. It comes naturally to dogs."
I get some twisted amount of pleasure when your fist connects with my jaw; not because I like the pain or anything, I'm no masochist -I don't think, that would just be a whole new list to add to my problems- but because…I hate admitting this…I've missed it. I've missed talking to you, seeing you, fighting with you, feeling you…God Joey…I want you to touch me again…I don't care if it is because your trying to send me to the emergency room.
"Stop it!" Rachel cries, wrapping her hands around your arm.
"Told you this wouldn't work," Tristan mumbles, absently wrapping his arm around Duke and pulling him closer.
"What wouldn't work?" I ask him, rubbing my jaw. "What the hell did you two morons do?"
"Three morons Kaiba," she says and I gap at her momentarily. "And you shouldn't be so angry. We only wanted to see you and Joey happy again."
"Happy? What…? What are you talking about?"
"Contrary to what you may believe," Duke begins, "we're not complete idiots. It didn't take that much brain power to figure out what was going on."
You step in front of them, breathing heavily, and I can tell it's taking everything you have not to pound them into the floor. Pity, that might be fun to see. "What did you do?" you breath.
"Calm down Joey," Rachel says softly, placing a hand on your shoulder. "We didn't mean in harm. But it was the only way to get you guys to react with each other."
"How did you…know?" you ask them, eyes going slightly wider.
Duke and Tristan both give you soft, reassuring smiles. "It was kind of obvious actually. Duke told me that he ran into you on Sunday, and then suddenly Kaiba has this girlfriend who is basically your twin, only a girl," Tristan explains. What does he mean Duke saw you Sunday? Did you…see us at the restaurant? Oh…pup.
"Yeah. And well you know…" Duke adds, smiling. "It's obvious that you two have had something going on. I mean every time you two fight it looks like your going to jump each other and start fu-"
"Basically it was hard to miss!" Rachel interrupts. Tristan slaps a hand over his boyfriends -I assume, anyway- mouth to stop him before he says anything really stupid. "Look you two, you guys have some…issues you need to work on."
"But you aren't going to get over it by ignoring each other and dating girls," Tristan says, shooting a disapproving look my way. "No offence Rach; if I was straight, I would so do 'ya!"
"Uh…thanks..."
"Moey…more poer mgend…" Duke narrows his eyes. Moments later Tristan's eyes widen and he yelps, pulling his hand to his chest.
"Ow! You bit me!"
"Well I wanted to talk," Duke replies. "Besides…I thought you liked it when I bit you."
"Are you guys gonna get to a point anytime soon?" you ask, eyebrow twitching.
"Joey, your our friend, and we hate seeing you miserable. And Kaiba…uh…well we hate seeing you miserable Joey! So you two need to talk it out or something."
Both Rachel and Tristan nod. Flashing us reassuring smiles, they all begin heading towards the door, leaving us in the back of the bar. We stand there in awkward silence for a few minutes. I try to will myself to walk away, to leave before I do something and end up messing things up even more then I did the first time. Nothing seems to happen when I tell my feet to move, though, so I suppose I'll just have to settle with standing here next to you.
"Do you hate me?"
"Do you love me?"
I know two voices spoke; but I don't know who asked what. I find myself staring into your honey eyes, my will to lie slowly coming undone.
"No," we both answer softly, and I don't know which one of us should be heartbroken. But by the pain in your eyes, I think maybe it's you.
I can't let you think I hate you. Then again…I can't let you think I love you. Before I know what's happening your arms are wrapped around me and your face is buried into my shoulder. Immediately I return the embrace, almost melting at your touch. A week is way to long to go without you, pup. I don't think I could survive any longer than that. I run my fingers through your golden hair -God I missed this- and inhale the scent of whatever type of shampoo it is that you use. I feel your fingers curling into the fabric of my trench coat and look down to see you staring up at me, brown eyes wide and rimmed with tears. This sounds twisted -it is- but you are beautiful when you cry.
"You really hate me Kaiba?" you question, your voice quivering slightly.
No Joey, I don't hate you. I can't bring myself to hate you; I don't think I'll ever be able to. I follow your jaw line, trying to keep myself from looking into your eyes -can't look in your eyes when I lie to you.
"…yes," I answer and dip down, pressing my lips to yours softly. And I thought I had missed just touching you. You really do make me pathetic, you know that.
When I pull you take in a deep breath, panting slightly. You somehow force me to meet your gaze, and I pray to God that you don't ask me that again, or else I wouldn't be able to lie.
"That's too bad…" you whisper, brushing your lips over mine softly. I lean forward, trying to capture your mouth in another kiss, but you pull back to speak. "Because…I kind of think I might sort of…you know…love you."
You finally press your lips against mine again, hands dragging through my hair, the way you know I love. I wrap my arms around you even more, pulling your body closer against me, and can't help the guilt that gnaws at me as I remember doing the exact same thing with Rachel only a few days ago. But this…it couldn't even compare pup. No one could.
It might kill me…but it would still me so much simpler if you hated me.
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The end! What did you guys think? Too sappy? Predictable? Out of character? Well…it's kind of weird…
Kai-Kai-san: Kind of weird? You didn't even say if we got together!
It's implied...
Kai-Kai-san: And my puppy is still in pain!
Uh...yeah. I'm an insane Joey fangirl, I love him to death really! Which is why I torture him so...
Kai-Kai-san: You made me some emotionally challenged, semi-sadistic, twisted freak!
Joe-Joe-kun: Uh…honey. You are some emotionally challenged, semi-sadistic, twisted freak. But I still think your hot!
I'm proud of myself. I got through the whole story without them actually admitting they love each other...to each other anyawy. Well, Joe-Joe kinda does, but not completely. You know one of these days, I'm gonna write an angsty story.
Kai-Kai-san: What did you call that?
Um…....
Joe-Joe-kun: I don't think I like it when you put me in angsty stories.
Don't be scared Joe-Joe. Don't think of it as angst just think of it as…alternative fluff! Now, please review, and tell me what you think. Thank you to all who did review this story. But now I sooo have to write an full-fledged sadistic Seto fic. Yay!
Joe-Joe-kun: Alternative fluff eh? I like it…
Kai-Kai-san: Review, and tell her you don't like it when I'm a bastard….you like it when I uh…get to have lots of smooches with my puppy. -cackles evilly-
…right.