Title: Hogwarts Sex Ed.
Rating: PG-13, for obvious reasons.
Warnings: Sexual language, slash (in later chapters)
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling.
Notes:  Okay, forget this chapter about Harry's year learning Sex Ed.  This will be a two part story.  This is still part one.  There will be a part two where Harry and his year learn Sex ed., but that will come later.

Thanks to the Reviewers
QueenBattousai:  lol I don't know about it being the funniest.  I've read some things funnier then my stuff. 
Chelle:  He is a damn horny mutt.   And Remus' outburst just stems from Sirius' massive stupidity.  ^__^ And a little sexual tension.
T-MOD: -____-;; Sweetie, you're psycho.
Holly: I am! I am!
Ami-gryffindor89:  Thanks!  Hope you like this chapter too!
LadyDragonWolfKnight:  I wasn't really going for the cute factor, but thanks!
LiTTLe-bLaCk-sTaR:  That sounds like a lot of guys...and a few girls I know... *eyes Delle*
Indiangurl:  lol That's how I felt when I was writing it.  I was laughing when some of it came to mind, my parents told me to lay off the soda.
Damson, of the Rhee:  Yay, here it is!
Alexis: I don't know what tears they used, but who cares.  Back when the Marauder's were going to school, everyone in the world was either having sex with someone new every night, or on drugs.

Lila Bloom-Felton:  I'll get to one of Harry and everyone later.  I got more ideas for the Marauder's and decided to go with it. ^____^

The Marauder's take Sex Ed.: Chapter Two
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"Okay, Sirius, today in class, you are not allowed to say a word," Remus Lupin stated.

"But, Remmie! What if he asks a question and I know the answer?" Sirius questioned.

"I don't care, you won't answer it," Remus told him.

"But, what if he asks me specifically?" Sirius asked.

"Sirius, just give it up, he won't give in," James said.

Sirius glared at him, "Who's side are you on?!"

Peter laughed, "I agree with Remus, Sirius shouldn't be allowed to say anything."

"Shut up, Wormtail," Sirius snapped. "Please, Moony? I promise I'll be good."

Remus thought about it, "I'll tell you what, I'll make you a deal.  If you can go the first half minutes of class, without talking, or laughing, then you can answer any question you like, anyway you like. Deal?"

"Deal!" Sirius grinned. "I'll show you.  I can go without speaking."

"That also means you can't make angry remarks to the Slytherins," Remus said.

"But...but...Remus!!" Sirius whined.

"No buts," Remus said.  "We have a deal, now, if you would like to back out on the deal, then you can't answer any of his questions.  Those are your options," Remus stated, walking into the classroom with Peter. 

James put a hand on Sirius' shoulder.  "Suck to be you, man."

"Shut up James..." Sirius mumbled, going into the classroom.  James sniggered, and followed behind him. 

Professor Patterson was at his desk, waiting for everyone to enter and take their seats.  When Remus took his seat, he could hear some of the girls in the room talking about his outburst from the class before.  He flushed and hid him face.  "I shouldn't have come today," He muttered.

"Why is that, Remus?" Peter asked.

"Because I can see that deal I made with Sirius blowing up in my face already," Remus said.

"It won't be that bad," Peter said.

"Peter, have you already forgotten what happened yesterday?" Remus asked.

Peter chuckled lightly, "No, I haven't forgotten."

"I really don't want to be here," Remus stated.

"Don't worry Remus.  With that deal you made Sirius, you can't lose.  He can't go five minutes without making a sound, which means that he can't ask or answer any questions," Peter said.

"I know, but what if, by some strange use a magic, he does make it through the five minute, then I'll have to put up with him for the rest of class," Remus groaned. "I should have stayed in bed."

After a few minutes, everyone had sat in their seats, and Professor Patterson got up from his desk chair.  "Well, let's get started right away, shall we," He said.

"Sirius, your five minute's starts now," Remus muttered to his friend.  Sirius nodded, grinning.

"Now, today, were going to talk about STD's," Patterson said.  Sirius looked up at Patterson, and wanted to say something, but didn't.  "Now, I'm sure everyone knows what a STD is, so were just going it get into the different STD's and what they cause."

Peter, Remus, and James leaned back in their chairs, while Sirius leaned on his hand.  Smirking to himself, Remus listened as Patterson began his discussion of STD's.  "Now, like the muggles, magic folk don't have a cure for most of these diseases.  This is why you must use protection.  Now, there are only two ways to prevent getting an STD.  You can either practice abstinence, which I sincerely doubt, or you can use a condom," Patterson explained.

"Please, the only person here who hasn't shagged anyone yet is probably Remus," James muttered.

"Hey, I have a good reason," Remus said.  "I just wouldn't shag the first person who walked into the dorm, unlike two people sitting here."

Sirius growled, but didn't saw anything.  "What was that Sirius?" James asked.  Sirius glared at him, and flipped him the bird.  "No thank you," James said.

Remus chuckled, "So, you think you can go without talking?" Sirius nodded.

Patterson continued on with the lesson until an owl flew in and dropped a letter on his desk before leaving.  After reading the letter, Patterson excused himself from the class, but not before threatening to deduct house points to anyone who was misbehaving when he got back.  Moving, James and Peter sat so they, Remus, and Sirius were in a little circle. 

"I guess there's a good thing that there isn't a STD named just for Sirius," Peter teased.

"If there was, it would just be a disease that makes the victim need sex everyday," James teased.  All three boys laughed.  Sirius glared at his friends, and stuck out his tongue.

"Okay guys, enough with teasing Sirius," Remus said, coming to Sirius' rescue. "And you're wrong James; the victim would just have to masturbate everyday."  He corrected with a grin, earning a glare from Sirius.

"So, when's the next Hogsmead weekend?" Peter asked.

"In two weeks," James answered, "Which is good. I'm running low on dung bombs."  Smirking, James leaned over to Peter and whispered something into his year.  Nodding, Peter leaned over and whispered the same thing into Remus' year.

Blinking, Remus mock-scowled at his friends. "That's so cruel," He stated. "How could you even think have having a party without Sirius?"  Sirius' eyes widened and he made frantic hand movements.  "And you wanted to make it an orgy too! For shame..." Sirius' movements became more frantic. 

"I know! But wouldn't you love to be in an orgy?" James questioned.  Sirius glared at James and Remus.

"Only if the right people are there," Remus stated.

"Like who?" Peter questioned.

Remus shrugged. "I don't know.  I've never really thought about it."

"Who could you not have thought about it?" James asked.

"There are tons of cute girls here!" James said.  When he saw the look Remus was giving him, he added, "And guys... I'm sure."

"I'm glad you're always thinking of me," Remus said.

"Always!" James replied with a grin.

"Stupid prat," Remus muttered.

"Although, if we did have an orgy, we'd have to keep Sirius locked up in closet for a while so we could at least get some," Peter said.

"Oh man, could you imagine what some of the girls would show up in?" James questioned.

"Lace, satin..." James trailed off, imagining what each girl would show up in. 

"James, you're drooling," Peter stated.  James didn't respond.

"He's a lost cause," Remus said.  Sighing, Remus turned to Sirius, who was banging his head against the table, no doubt trying to lose some mental pictures his got from James' descriptions.  "Sirius, you can talk now," Remus said reluctantly.  

"Yes!! God shall set you free!" Sirius cheered.  Remus smashed his head against the table.  Sirius grinned.  "So, when's Patterson getting back?"

"Hopefully never," Remus muttered. 

Remus couldn't be so lucky though.  Minutes after he allowed Sirius to talk, Professor Patterson walked back into the class room.  "Sorry about that.  There was a boggart in the kitchen and the house elves wouldn't go in until it was gone," He explained.  He wet back up to the front of the classroom.  "Now, where were we?" He asked to no one in particular. 

"You were talking about herpes," Sirius answered.

Patterson stared at him.  "Black, you haven't said a word the entire time, why are you speaking now?"

"I'm allowed to now," Sirius said.  "Remus said that if I didn't speak for the first half of the class that I could ask or answer any question."

Patterson blinked and turned to Remus.  "Mr. Lupin, what were you thinking?"

Remus sighed.  "That was only half of the deal.  The other half was that if he couldn't, he wasn't allowed to ask or answer any question.  However, I didn't think he could go the first half of the class without talking."

"You think so little of me Remus..." Sirius said. 

"Yes, Padfoot, I do," Remus muttered.

"Well, if Black is going to be speaking, then we won't be having a repeat of yesterday," Patterson said, glancing Remus and Sirius.  Remus blushed, and Sirius grinned. 

Patterson went back into his explanations.  Remus buried his head in his arms.  He could hear Sirius making commented to James, and them sniggering.  He rolled his eyes, hoping for the end of the class to finally end. 

"Wait a minute!" Sirius interrupted. "You mean to tell me, that if we have sex with the wrong person, we could end up with bumps on our crotch?"

Patterson sighed.  "Yes, Sirius, that's what I'm saying."

"But like, if were looking at the person naked, wouldn't we see the little bumps?" Sirius questioned.

"If they were having on outbreak, then yes.  They don't always have little bumps," Patterson explained.

Sirius was about to say something else, but Remus covered his mouth.  "Professor, I believe it's time to go," Remus said.

Patterson looked at the clock and nodded.  "Class dismissed."