Title: Hogwarts Sex Ed.
Rating: PG-13, for obvious reasons.
Warnings: Sexual language, slash
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling.
Notes: Sorry this has taken so long to update!!! I went through this phase where everything died, including this, and I'm just now getting back to it.  I promise this won't take so long to update next time. 

Thanks to the Reviewers
Holly:  Yeah, that'll be on chapter six, which is in three more chapters.  I decided that each Sex Ed. session will last for five days for each part.
Yokokaru-chan:  Yeah, they sound like a few friends of mine too....which is kinda sad....because I think everyone has friends like that. 
LadyDragonWolfKnight:  I knew you reviewed my Gundam Wing fics, but I didn't know you read this one too. 
rita-booke2day:  I was laughing while writing it.  My parents were giving me these strange looks.
Ami-ImaTomLOVER:  Thanks for the favorite!
Indiangurl:  S'ok, my parents think I'm nuts, too.  I'm going to get to your suggestions, but I didn't want to do that too quickly and I wasn't really in to mood to write that all out.
Cat Youkai: Stares Don't even think that...
Iruka-Yuywell:  Of course! Five chapters for each part!
Commander Sun:  What makes you think they won't get it on?
Lila Bloom-Felton:  I'm working on this again and there will be a part for Harry and everyone.
Saltwater:  Are you okay? Don't hurt yourself.
DarkStar280:  I live to bring on the weird humor.

The Marauder's take Sex Ed.: Chapter Three

Remus sat at his desk in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, waiting for the inevitable to happen.  He couldn't get out of the class, no matter what he said.  Within two days, Sirius managed to make him shout about a male body part, and managed to make him wish that they had never met...and it was only Wednesday. 

He looked over as Peter sat down next to him and rested his head on the table.  Neither one of them were looking forward to the third day of Sexual Education.  Sirius had already told them that morning that h had thought up a whole list of questions to ask.  Remus tried to fake being sick to get out of it, but Madam Pomfrey had declared that he was well enough for classes.

There was nothing either boy would like more then to be back at their dorms where they were safe from whatever Sirius was planning.  It could not be good since he was not allowed to do much the day before (thanks to his bet with Remus).  They heard him and James plotting and decided to stay out of it.

"Moony, do you think Pomfrey would know if we hexed each other in order to get out of class?" Peter inquired hopefully.

Remus sighed.  "I don't know, Pete.  I'm sure she would."

Peter sighed as well.  "Why did Dumbledore decide to hold this class?  This is a muggle class, not a wizard's class."

"Peter, you are assuming that I understand the reasoning behind Dumbledore's logic," Remus muttered, shaking his head.

"Hey, Moony! Wormtail!" Sirius called happily, sitting down next to them.  "How are you both doing on this lovely day?"

Remus turned to him, eyes narrowed.  "What are you planning?" he demanded. 

Sirius held a hand to his chest where his heart is.  "Moony! You wound me!  What do you automatically assume that I'm up to no good?"

Remus blinked and grabbed the collar of Sirius' robes, pulling him in close.  "It was your idea to have the code for the map be 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good'," he whispered softly. 

Sirius grinned.  "I know! But that doesn't mean I'm always up to no good!"

"Yes, it does," Peter stated as Remus shoved Sirius away.  James made it into class in time so he did not end up with a detention.

Professor Patterson sat in the front of the class, dreading it before it began.  He could see Sirius in the middle of the room and was tempted to leave again.  Sighing, he stepped up to the front of the room, looking to make sure everyone was there before he started the lecture.

"Alright, settle down," he called, pulling up a stool and sitting on it.  "Now, today...well...this is kind of hard to say and comprehend why we need to discuss this, but today we're going to talk about condom use and birth control."  Remus' head instantly met the desk.  "Mr. Lupin, is there a problem?"

"Oh no, not at all professor....just that this class will be the death of me," Remus muttered.

Patterson sighed.  "I'm sure you'll survive this class."

"Not with Sirius in it!" Remus countered.

"What makes you think I'll be the reason you die in this class?!" Sirius questioned.

Remus lifted his head and stared at Sirius.  "Do you really need a recap of the last two days?!"

Sirius grinned, shaking his head.  "No, unless you really want to," he said, earning a smack in the arm from Remus.

Patterson shook his head.  "Alright, let's begin.  Who can tell me how birth control pills work?"  No one raised his or her hands.  "Has anyone read the pamphlet?"  There was a series of shaking heads.  "So, you mean to tell me, that you just looked at the pictures?"

"I didn't even open the thing..." Remus and Peter said at once.

Patterson shook his head.  "Okay, the way a birth control pill works is very simple.  The hormones in the pill trick a women's body into thinking its carrying a child, therefore it doesn't release any ovules, thereby preventing her from getting pregnant.  Then, once she stops taking them (after 21 days), she has her menstrual cycle like normal."

One of the Gryffindor girls raised her hand into the air.  "Professor, why is it that only the girls have something like this?  Why can't the guys?"

Patterson sighed.  "They haven't made one for the guys yet."

"Well that's unfair," she muttered.

Patterson twitched slightly, which is when Sirius decided to raise his hand.  "What is it, Mr. Black?"

"What happens if she misses one day taking the pill, but takes it the next day?" Sirius asked.

Blinking, Professor Patterson looked over at Sirius, as did Remus.  "Are you feeling okay?" Patterson asked.

"Yes, why?" Sirius countered, swiping at Remus' hand as the other boy went to feel his forehead.

Peter stared wide-eyed at Sirius.  "Sirius, you just asked a serious question!"

"I think hell froze over..." James commented.

Patterson shook his head, getting over the shock.  "Well, if she misses a day then takes it the next, she would increase her chances of getting pregnant."

"Oh! So that's when I should go after her!" Sirius joked.  Glaring, Remus smacked Sirius in the head with his potions book.  "Ow!  What the bloody hell was that for?!"

"You are not to impregnate any girls!" Remus stated.  "One Sirius in this world is enough!"

Sirius pouted.  "But, Remmie!  Wouldn't you have more fun with two of me!?"

"No!" Seven different people shouted at once.

Blinking, Sirius looked around at everyone who had shouted.  "Who asked for a Slytherin's input?" he demanded.

"No one," Snape countered.

"Doesn't mean you aren't going to get it," Regulus added.

"Besides, one Sirius Black is enough for anyone!" Lucius Malfoy stated.

"Agreed," Remus muttered to himself.

"May I continue?" Patterson interrupted.

"Go ahead, Professor," Peter said before anyone else could answer.

Patterson nodded.  "Now, who can tell me the proper use of a condom?"

"Making balloon animals?" Sirius suggested.

"Mr. Black, if that's what you really do with a box of condom, I suggest you seek professional help," Patterson stated.

"Yes sir!" Sirius saluted him.

Professor Patterson twitched again.  "Now, allow me to rephrase my pervious question.  What is the proper way to use a condom?"

"For protection, duh!" Sirius said as if it was obvious.  "Any git with half a brain would know that."

"Sirius, I'm this close to smacking you again!" Remus muttered, holding his thumb and index finger together. 

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Patterson looked out into the class.  "Can anyone besides Mr. Black tell me the right way to put on a condom?"

"Oh! I know that one!" Sirius said, raising his head.

"I'm sure you do, Mr. Black," Patterson grumbled.

Sirius grinned, assuming he was giving permission to proceed.  "Well, first you take it out of the package and unroll it.  Then you do like with balloons and stretch it out—"

"No you don't!" Patterson said, interrupting him.

"Yes you do!" Sirius argued.

"No! If you do that then you increase your risk of breaking the condom and getting the girl pregnant!" Patterson exclaimed.

Sirius paled.  "What?!"

Remus turned to Sirius, looking ready to strangle him.  "How many times have you done that?!"

"A lot!" Sirius stated.

"You mean you could have a kid running around!" Regulus shouted at his brother.

"Oh, who asked you!?" Sirius snapped.

Remus grabbed the collar of Sirius' robes and pulled him in close.  "You and I are going to have a VERY serious talk," he growled dangerously.

"Pun intended?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"No." Remus answered, making Sirius gulp.

Patterson sighed.  "Okay, I don't think anyone can handle this anymore, so class is dismissed."