The Downfall of a Heartless Man

Chapter 10


A child. Me. A father.

I should have expected it, should have seen it coming. My Saiyan instinct knew the moment it began, but I ignored it. The tormenting voice that has been invading my mind is now beginning to fade, as I finally grip reality. But my mind is filled with other, swirling thoughts.

So this is why she has been avoiding me. I sense a second incredibly tiny ki within her now, as my mind becomes aware of another life in the room.

I should have known.

Her eyes bore into mine, full of pain and unchecked tears. She is waiting for an answer, a reaction, anything.

" I am keeping it." she whispers defiantly, her hands going to her belly in protection. I blink my eyes and shake my head, trying to clear the blur in my mind. "Aikan...I cannot..."

"Can't what? Take care of your own child? I didn't expect you to." she says harshly, blue eyes narrowing. " I am a Saiyan Prince, I can't go around fathering half-children!!" I rage back. She can't possibly think that I would take care of a child...a half-Saiyan...

"Your people are gone, Vegeta! Gone! You are prince of a dead planet! This..."she says softly, pointing to her belly, "This is what's left of your race." She looks up at me, anger glittering in her beautiful blue eyes.

Of course, I know she is right. I know that my people are dead, that I am the prince of a lost race. I know that I will never fulfill my destiny and that I will never be who I am supposed to be, who I was raised to be. I have been denied the only thing I had...after so many years of being controlled like a mindless puppet by Freiza, after so many years of killing and hating and self-loathing...I will never ascend the throne as rightful king.

But it isn't that simple. What does she want me to do?! Accept some bastard child? It's not who I am, not what I am.

"What do want from me woman?!" I ask harshly, returning to my former name for her. I have been too easy with her. She expects tenderness and understanding...things I cannot give.

"What do I want? What do I want?! I want you to be a man and take responsibility for what you've done! I want my child to have a father, a real father. One that is going to love them and play catch with them...and...and..."her voice falters and she sits down on the bed again , overwhelmed by her own emotions and tears. Her breath comes in deep gasps as she wipes the hot liquid that begins to drip down her cheeks.

She wants answers I don't have, words I can never say.

" I have nothing to give you." I whisper emotionlessly. "Nothing. I cannot be that person...that man...ever. I can never be a father, not the kind you want." I turn away from her. I cannot bare to look at her anymore. Her shocking blue eyes, her lips contorted in pain. My aikan...she deserves...the child deserves...they deserve a man who can love them, a man with honor, not a murderer or a thief...not me.

Never me.

In all my life I never thought I would admit that anyone deserved better than me, the almighty Prince of Saiyans. I once believed that all the world should bow at my feet, worship my life. Me. The puppet.

I am nothing, I am no one. A third class baka took all the glory of killing the sick, twisted lizard: my captor, my puppet master. But not because he was trying to spite me, but because I couldn't. Because I couldn't kill him! Not to mention, a child, a mere child, attained Super Saiyan before me! ME! The heir to the Saiyan throne!

And yet, something tells me this isn't the real reason I deny the child: that I don't deserve it. I know the truth. I know why my heart races, why sweat begins to drip down my brow. I know why my hands shake nervously where I have hidden them under the folds of my arms as I cross them. I know.

I am afraid.

Afraid he will hate me, afraid that he will detest me and plot my own death. Afraid that I will crush his happiness and force him to ruthlessly murder and scorn people for money and greed. Afraid that I will be too arrogant to care for my own son.

Just like my father.

She can never understand. She can never comprehend what it's like...my life isn't like hers! I can't just drop everything for some fucking kid and a human woman!

"What are you so fucking afraid of, Vegeta?!" she wails, mimicking my thoughts. My eyes narrow slightly at her as I try to figure out if she knows what I am thinking. No, she doesn't know. She is only trying to goad me to react, to make me feel something besides anger. She thinks me a cold, heartless creature, full of hate and contempt for all things good and right.

Someday she will see the truth, see who I really am. Perhaps I will be the one to show her. But not today. Today, I will be the man she has always known: the man without love, without hope, without feelings. Today I will be the coward I have always secretly known myself to be, today I will walk away from the only thing that can pull me out of my own insanity and destruction.

Today, I will look her in the face and tell her that I hate her and her child, and I hope they both burn in the fiery depths of whatever hell they believe in.

~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~

Who am I?

I don't even know anymore. I know who I am supposed to be, but that's not who I am. Endless days melt into endless nights with no sleep, and my mind is a constant mass of confused thoughts and ideas. My eyes have become dimmed by weariness and my strength has been sapped from every inch of me.

But I am alive. In the lowest sense possible, yes, but alive nonetheless. My eyes never stray from her beautiful face, my mind never lapses from locating her radiating ki. She has been growing over the past few weeks, her belly swelling with the life and vibrance of an unborn child...my child.

She has not told her parents, or if she has, they have yet to approach me with the subject. That baka Kakkarot knew , of course, the moment she opened the door to greet him one evening a few days ago. His eyes grew wide with shock and joy, and the imbecile immediately began shouting her praise. "Goku, Goku, shhhhh." my aikan fretted, holding her long, delicate index finger over her mouth and lowering her voice. " Nobody knows yet!"

I watched sourly from outside, peering through the thick blackness of night and into the window as my aikan and that idiot rambled on about the entire situation. "But Vegeta already knows right? I mean, I could sense it as soon as I stepped through the door. There's no way he hasn't figured it out." "Hey! How did you know...I mean about me and..." she looked away then, afraid to even speak my name aloud. " Awe well, lets just say I had a few hints." Kakkarot said, sloppy smile spreading across his face.

He knows something. But for some reason, it doesn't disturb or anger me as it should. I am past such meaningless emotions, no longer able to feel anything but the pounding of my own heart. All I can do is watch, watch my aikan slowly become farther and farther from my life. Each day the deep chasm that separates her from me grows wider, longer, more unable to cross.

I know there is something I must do, something I must say to get her back, to close the gap. But I can't even get past primitive thoughts such as hunger or exhaustion. I have lost the will to live, the will to be.

It's strange; I am in so much inner turmoil, so much wrenching, ungraspable pain...all self inflicted. I can stop it, I can make it go away, but I won't. Pride, ignorance, fear...something keeps me from setting myself free. I know it, I know it, it lays just on the edge of my conscious, just out of my reach...if only I could stretch myself just a bit further...just a bit harder...but I can't.

I am incapable of saving myself.

I stare listlessly through the window, as I do everyday, and watch my aikan as she writes and fiddles in a worn notebook. She sits on her bed, her short aqua hair framing her perfect face. Only a few days after our encounter, I overheard her talking to that baka's bitch on the "phone". She was babbling on about "needing a change" and, after she went out for the day, she came back with all her luxurious tresses cut to just above her shoulders. I was a little surprised, but not too taken aback; she is always doing senseless things to her hair.

The phone rings suddenly, startling me out of my daze. "Hey Chi Chi!" my aikan screeches brightly, a beautiful smile spreading over her face. " It's been so long since I have talked to you!" Her smile soon trickles to a worried frown at her friends response. " I know Chi Chi, I'm sorry. I should have told you...I just...I didn't know how..." She inhales deeply at the onslaught of the baka's woman and looks down at her belly.

"Oh Chi Chi! I don't know anymore! I...I want Vegeta... I want him to be the father of my baby...I want him to love me, and us be together for the rest of our lives with a fairy tale ending...but I know it will never happen. He can never love me...I'm just some stupid little human girl he decided would be a good lay! I'm worthless to him...worthless..." Tears stream unhindered down her reddened face, dripping onto the notebook in her lap.

WORTHLESS?! She thinks she's worthless??!! By Kami, she is the only fucking creature in the entire fucking universe that I have ever thought to have meaning! She is the only person I have ever...ever...

But why should she know that? Me, the pompous Saiyan Prince, has never been able to tell her...never been able to say...

Say what?! What would I tell her? I don't even know. The precious words are beyond my vulgar mind. If I even knew, I doubt I would have the ability to tell her. They would come out fumbled and pointless, spilling awkwardly from my daft mouth.

But I can no longer hide behind my mask of indifference. The constant build-up of overpowering emotions...the pain, the fear, the need, the want....I can't keep it in anymore.

Landing deftly on the concrete of her balcony, I hesitate only a moment before pushing open her window and walking into her bedroom. My aikan's head shoots up and a shocked look spreads over her face. She quickly wipes away her tears and says goodbye to the woman.

"Vegeta...I...I..." she falters, hanging up the phone. I stop her and press my hand against her quivering lips.

"Wait, Vegeta. I...I..." she begins, pushing my hand away.

"I love you."

~~~~*~~~~*~~~~

AN: this chapter seems all jumbled up to me. There were so many things I wanted to do with it but I'm not sure if I got any of them done. I really hope you like it though. Anyways, I am so so so so sorry for taking soooo long to update. I've been in a lot of trouble but I was finally able to weasel my way back on the comp. Whew! So yea! DON"T FORGET TO REVIEW! Thank you!~Melissa