Fanfic Title: An act of bravery
Summary of chapter: CJ attends Simon's funeral and can no longer find her grief from her friends.
Disclaimer: All the characters from The West Wing and the story where this fanfic starts from belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells and NBC.
Thank you so much for the reviews. This is my first ever fanfic so I really value what you're saying. Hope you like the chapter. Take care :)
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The week passed pretty quietly for CJ. No one mentioned Simon's death in the press briefings and to her surprised Anne hadn't been seen in the White House since she'd made her allegations. She thought maybe things would finally start getting back to normal.
People had stopped worrying about CJ. She was looking more confident everyday and the bags under her eyes were starting to go. Yet Toby was still not convinced. At the beginning of the week he asked her several times a day if she was ok, but her reaction put him off continuing to ask it. Even if CJ had managed to fool everyone else into thinking she was ok, Toby knew she couldn't disguise it from him. He watched all of her press briefing to see how she acted. To anyone else, CJ looked liked nothing had happened and she was the same cheerful person. Yet Toby noticed that every time she entered the briefing room she glanced around, as if searching for someone and it wasn't until it seemed she was sure the person wasn't there, that she relax. Toby could sense that it was Anne she was looking for and that her allegations were still on her mind.
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The day CJ was dreading had come. CJ was worried about going to Simon's funeral. She didn't want to fuel Anne's allegation and she wasn't sure if she would be able to keep the tears back. But she had no choice, she had to go. Simon had meant so much to her and she had to say good bye to him.
Sam and Toby had asked CJ if she wanted them to go with her to the funeral but she'd said no. She didn't want them to sense the extent of her loss and feelings, so had said she was fine going alone.
As CJ entered the church she was over whelmed by the amount of people there. She sat near the back; she didn't want to draw attention to being there and wanted to be alone. She sat there for a while thinking. So much grief had built up inside her and she felt like she couldn't hold it in any longer.
As the coffin came into the church everyone stood up. CJ had to hold onto the pew in front as she was starting to feel slightly dizzy. This was the first time she'd seen Simon since he'd left her at the theatre. It was so final and it suddenly dawned on CJ that he was dead; it was something about seeing the coffin made it seem so much more real. As she watched the coffin going down the aisle with Simon's family behind, she could feel tears dripping down her face. She quickly tried to wipe them away before anyone could see her.
The funeral was a blur to CJ. She couldn't concentrate during it and just stood and sang when instructed. She felt so alone. She'd had such strong feelings for him and he'd been taken away from her. Everything seemed so wrong. Why him? She could feel the tears pouring down her face now but she didn't care. What was the point anymore?
As the funeral came to a close CJ prepared herself to say good bye to Simon. She didn't want to go to the gave, it was a family occasion, so this was her last chance. She closed her eyes and said the words she wanted him to hear in her mind. She told him how much she liked him, how he made her feel safe and how she liked him being taller than her. She apologised for the way she acted when he was first assigned to her and how much she regretted it.
All of a sudden she realised music was playing and opened her eyes to see everyone stood up. Simon's coffin was coming down the aisle. She quickly stood up and watched. She could see the grief on the faces of his family he'd left behind. She recognised Anthony from when Simon had introduced them at the White House. She wondered how he was coping. She knew they were close and started to worry about him.
When the coffin had gone out of sight, the music stopped and everyone made their way outside. CJ wasn't going to the wake, she had to get back to the White House, and so wanted to offer her condolences to his family before she left. She saw someone she resumed was Simon's mother and went up to her. As she made her way to the lady she wiped her face to hide the tears.
"Mrs Donovan?" CJ asked.
"Yes." said a lady with tears running down her face.
"I'm sorry to disturb you at such a difficult time. I'm CJ Cregg." See paused for a second. Now she was speaking to her she didn't know quite what to say. "Well I just wanted to offer my condolences."
"Thank you dear. Simon talked about you a lot."
CJ was surprised by Mrs Donovan's comments but tried to hide it. "He was my agent for a while."
"He said how much he admired you and how he was glad he'd been assigned to you."
CJ could feel the tears beginning to form in her eyes. "Thank you." Was all she could say.
"Well I have to go now."
"If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know." CJ offered.
"Thank you." Mrs Donovan turned away from CJ.
CJ watched as Simon's family got into their cars and drove off behind the hurst. She could feel tears rolling down her face uncontrollably. The more she tried to wipe the tears away the more they came.
All of a sudden she felt someone put their arm around her. She moved her head and saw Toby stood next to her.
"It's ok CJ. Everything is going to be ok."
CJ sank her head into Toby and said "No it's not."
"Come on lets get you home."
"No, I have to get back to the office." CJ protested, looking up at Toby.
"No you don't. You need a break."
CJ let go of him and nodded. They walked down the street and found a taxi. As they got in, Toby gave the driver instructions to his house. He didn't want CJ to be alone right now and by the fact she didn't object, he presumed she didn't want to be alone either.
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Toby led CJ into his apartment. She sat down on the sofa and put her head in her hands. Toby left her for a minute to make her a coffee and to get some tissues. When he returned he could see tears pouring from CJ's eyes and down her face. As Toby put the coffee on his coffee table CJ tried to wipe the tears away in the hope he wouldn't notice.
"Have something to drink, you'll feel better."
"I'm fine thanks." CJ answered without looking up at Toby.
Toby sat down on the sofa next to CJ. "CJ you're not fine. You'll been saying you're fine all week and you're clearly not." At this stage Toby was staring at CJ, but she couldn't face him. "Please talk to me." But CJ didn't say a word.
"Simon's death has hit you harder than you dare to admit." CJ wondered what he was implying. "I don't think what was between you and Simon was as serious as Anne alleged, yet I do think there was something going on."
CJ was shocked by what Toby had said. "How dare you question my professionalism. Simon was my agent that was it. He respected his job, as do I, and the rules that come with the job. Nothing ever happened." She finally looked at Toby as she shouted these words out. Toby saw the tears in her eyes and knew she wasn't telling him the whole truth.
"I don't buy that CJ. Your sorrow is more than just the lost of an acquaintance. You liked him, as he did you, but due to the situation you both knew nothing could happen." As Toby spoke these words CJ got up off the sofa and walked to the window.
"I liked him a lot. We both knew nothing could happen whilst he was my agent but when he told me the person after me was caught, we both knew we could give into our feelings."
Toby walked over to the window and put his arm around CJ. "I'm so sorry." He could feel the pain of CJ's loss. Even though he'd expected what CJ had admitted, hearing it made it so much worse. He wondered how CJ had coped for the last week.
"When he left me at the theatre I was so happy, happier than I'd been in a long time. Then within a few hours it had been shattered. I can't believe he's gone." CJ turned to Toby and he received her in his arms.
"It's going to be ok CJ."
All of a sudden Toby's phone rang and he left CJ to answer it. He returned a couple of minutes later.
"CJ, I'm really sorry but I have to go back to the office." Toby really didn't want to leave her alone right now but he couldn't take her back to work. She was in no fit state to stand in front of the press. "I'll call a cab and I'll drop you off at your apartment on the way."
CJ nodded. She thought about saying she was ok to go back to the west wing yet she knew she couldn't. She needed some time, time to truly accept what had happened.
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Toby watched helplessly as CJ exited the cab. He really didn't want to leave her but he had no choice.
CJ slowly made her way into her apartment. She had neither the energy nor the motivation to walk at her usual quick rate. Once inside she headed straight for the sofa and collapsed on it. She was both mentally and physically drained. The last time she had seen Simon kept playing over in her mind. How could this have happened? She knew he was a brilliant shot, how could a young thief had the chance to shoot him? So many questions filled her mind yet she could find no answers. Her eyes finally closed and she drifted off into a deep sleep.
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CJ awoke abruptly to the noise of her phone. She quickly glanced at her watch and realised it was 9pm. She had been asleep for six hours. She didn't feel in the mood to speak to anyone right now so she let it go onto her answer phone.
"Hi CJ. Sorry I'm calling so late I just wanted to see how you were doing? Phone me if you need to talk in the night. If you need more time, don't worry about coming into work tomorrow. Anyway, bye."
CJ sensed the worry in Toby's voice. As she lay on her sofa for a while she thought about going into work. She knew she wasn't ready to go back yet hated sitting around doing nothing. She wondered what Toby had told the others for why she didn't go back to the office after the funeral. Yet what was playing on her mind the most was what she'd told Toby. It seemed weird admitting that she'd like Simon. Part of her wished she hadn't told Toby yet the other part of her felt relieved that she had finally confessed it to someone. She had been keeping her feelings for Simon secret for so long and now she had finally told someone took some of the weight from her shoulders. Yet she was still full of grief and guilt and she felt that no amount of talking would change that.
Summary of chapter: CJ attends Simon's funeral and can no longer find her grief from her friends.
Disclaimer: All the characters from The West Wing and the story where this fanfic starts from belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells and NBC.
Thank you so much for the reviews. This is my first ever fanfic so I really value what you're saying. Hope you like the chapter. Take care :)
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The week passed pretty quietly for CJ. No one mentioned Simon's death in the press briefings and to her surprised Anne hadn't been seen in the White House since she'd made her allegations. She thought maybe things would finally start getting back to normal.
People had stopped worrying about CJ. She was looking more confident everyday and the bags under her eyes were starting to go. Yet Toby was still not convinced. At the beginning of the week he asked her several times a day if she was ok, but her reaction put him off continuing to ask it. Even if CJ had managed to fool everyone else into thinking she was ok, Toby knew she couldn't disguise it from him. He watched all of her press briefing to see how she acted. To anyone else, CJ looked liked nothing had happened and she was the same cheerful person. Yet Toby noticed that every time she entered the briefing room she glanced around, as if searching for someone and it wasn't until it seemed she was sure the person wasn't there, that she relax. Toby could sense that it was Anne she was looking for and that her allegations were still on her mind.
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The day CJ was dreading had come. CJ was worried about going to Simon's funeral. She didn't want to fuel Anne's allegation and she wasn't sure if she would be able to keep the tears back. But she had no choice, she had to go. Simon had meant so much to her and she had to say good bye to him.
Sam and Toby had asked CJ if she wanted them to go with her to the funeral but she'd said no. She didn't want them to sense the extent of her loss and feelings, so had said she was fine going alone.
As CJ entered the church she was over whelmed by the amount of people there. She sat near the back; she didn't want to draw attention to being there and wanted to be alone. She sat there for a while thinking. So much grief had built up inside her and she felt like she couldn't hold it in any longer.
As the coffin came into the church everyone stood up. CJ had to hold onto the pew in front as she was starting to feel slightly dizzy. This was the first time she'd seen Simon since he'd left her at the theatre. It was so final and it suddenly dawned on CJ that he was dead; it was something about seeing the coffin made it seem so much more real. As she watched the coffin going down the aisle with Simon's family behind, she could feel tears dripping down her face. She quickly tried to wipe them away before anyone could see her.
The funeral was a blur to CJ. She couldn't concentrate during it and just stood and sang when instructed. She felt so alone. She'd had such strong feelings for him and he'd been taken away from her. Everything seemed so wrong. Why him? She could feel the tears pouring down her face now but she didn't care. What was the point anymore?
As the funeral came to a close CJ prepared herself to say good bye to Simon. She didn't want to go to the gave, it was a family occasion, so this was her last chance. She closed her eyes and said the words she wanted him to hear in her mind. She told him how much she liked him, how he made her feel safe and how she liked him being taller than her. She apologised for the way she acted when he was first assigned to her and how much she regretted it.
All of a sudden she realised music was playing and opened her eyes to see everyone stood up. Simon's coffin was coming down the aisle. She quickly stood up and watched. She could see the grief on the faces of his family he'd left behind. She recognised Anthony from when Simon had introduced them at the White House. She wondered how he was coping. She knew they were close and started to worry about him.
When the coffin had gone out of sight, the music stopped and everyone made their way outside. CJ wasn't going to the wake, she had to get back to the White House, and so wanted to offer her condolences to his family before she left. She saw someone she resumed was Simon's mother and went up to her. As she made her way to the lady she wiped her face to hide the tears.
"Mrs Donovan?" CJ asked.
"Yes." said a lady with tears running down her face.
"I'm sorry to disturb you at such a difficult time. I'm CJ Cregg." See paused for a second. Now she was speaking to her she didn't know quite what to say. "Well I just wanted to offer my condolences."
"Thank you dear. Simon talked about you a lot."
CJ was surprised by Mrs Donovan's comments but tried to hide it. "He was my agent for a while."
"He said how much he admired you and how he was glad he'd been assigned to you."
CJ could feel the tears beginning to form in her eyes. "Thank you." Was all she could say.
"Well I have to go now."
"If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know." CJ offered.
"Thank you." Mrs Donovan turned away from CJ.
CJ watched as Simon's family got into their cars and drove off behind the hurst. She could feel tears rolling down her face uncontrollably. The more she tried to wipe the tears away the more they came.
All of a sudden she felt someone put their arm around her. She moved her head and saw Toby stood next to her.
"It's ok CJ. Everything is going to be ok."
CJ sank her head into Toby and said "No it's not."
"Come on lets get you home."
"No, I have to get back to the office." CJ protested, looking up at Toby.
"No you don't. You need a break."
CJ let go of him and nodded. They walked down the street and found a taxi. As they got in, Toby gave the driver instructions to his house. He didn't want CJ to be alone right now and by the fact she didn't object, he presumed she didn't want to be alone either.
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Toby led CJ into his apartment. She sat down on the sofa and put her head in her hands. Toby left her for a minute to make her a coffee and to get some tissues. When he returned he could see tears pouring from CJ's eyes and down her face. As Toby put the coffee on his coffee table CJ tried to wipe the tears away in the hope he wouldn't notice.
"Have something to drink, you'll feel better."
"I'm fine thanks." CJ answered without looking up at Toby.
Toby sat down on the sofa next to CJ. "CJ you're not fine. You'll been saying you're fine all week and you're clearly not." At this stage Toby was staring at CJ, but she couldn't face him. "Please talk to me." But CJ didn't say a word.
"Simon's death has hit you harder than you dare to admit." CJ wondered what he was implying. "I don't think what was between you and Simon was as serious as Anne alleged, yet I do think there was something going on."
CJ was shocked by what Toby had said. "How dare you question my professionalism. Simon was my agent that was it. He respected his job, as do I, and the rules that come with the job. Nothing ever happened." She finally looked at Toby as she shouted these words out. Toby saw the tears in her eyes and knew she wasn't telling him the whole truth.
"I don't buy that CJ. Your sorrow is more than just the lost of an acquaintance. You liked him, as he did you, but due to the situation you both knew nothing could happen." As Toby spoke these words CJ got up off the sofa and walked to the window.
"I liked him a lot. We both knew nothing could happen whilst he was my agent but when he told me the person after me was caught, we both knew we could give into our feelings."
Toby walked over to the window and put his arm around CJ. "I'm so sorry." He could feel the pain of CJ's loss. Even though he'd expected what CJ had admitted, hearing it made it so much worse. He wondered how CJ had coped for the last week.
"When he left me at the theatre I was so happy, happier than I'd been in a long time. Then within a few hours it had been shattered. I can't believe he's gone." CJ turned to Toby and he received her in his arms.
"It's going to be ok CJ."
All of a sudden Toby's phone rang and he left CJ to answer it. He returned a couple of minutes later.
"CJ, I'm really sorry but I have to go back to the office." Toby really didn't want to leave her alone right now but he couldn't take her back to work. She was in no fit state to stand in front of the press. "I'll call a cab and I'll drop you off at your apartment on the way."
CJ nodded. She thought about saying she was ok to go back to the west wing yet she knew she couldn't. She needed some time, time to truly accept what had happened.
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Toby watched helplessly as CJ exited the cab. He really didn't want to leave her but he had no choice.
CJ slowly made her way into her apartment. She had neither the energy nor the motivation to walk at her usual quick rate. Once inside she headed straight for the sofa and collapsed on it. She was both mentally and physically drained. The last time she had seen Simon kept playing over in her mind. How could this have happened? She knew he was a brilliant shot, how could a young thief had the chance to shoot him? So many questions filled her mind yet she could find no answers. Her eyes finally closed and she drifted off into a deep sleep.
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CJ awoke abruptly to the noise of her phone. She quickly glanced at her watch and realised it was 9pm. She had been asleep for six hours. She didn't feel in the mood to speak to anyone right now so she let it go onto her answer phone.
"Hi CJ. Sorry I'm calling so late I just wanted to see how you were doing? Phone me if you need to talk in the night. If you need more time, don't worry about coming into work tomorrow. Anyway, bye."
CJ sensed the worry in Toby's voice. As she lay on her sofa for a while she thought about going into work. She knew she wasn't ready to go back yet hated sitting around doing nothing. She wondered what Toby had told the others for why she didn't go back to the office after the funeral. Yet what was playing on her mind the most was what she'd told Toby. It seemed weird admitting that she'd like Simon. Part of her wished she hadn't told Toby yet the other part of her felt relieved that she had finally confessed it to someone. She had been keeping her feelings for Simon secret for so long and now she had finally told someone took some of the weight from her shoulders. Yet she was still full of grief and guilt and she felt that no amount of talking would change that.