A/N Hello and welcome! This is the first of my fictions to come. Warnings:
Some hints towards slash, vulgar language at times as well as crude and
horrible subject matter! This is pretty much just a spoof on the second
movie. Whilst babysitting some time ago I was forced to watch these Harry
Potter movies almost daily. Hence, the inspiration to write a smutty and
inappropriate story based on them!
HE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END!
A jolly little song erupts letting all the audiences know that they are soon to be violated by many young pre-pubescent witches and wizards
"Da-ding-da-da-dading-ding-da-da-da-da"
Camera swoops through polluted clouds to show a village of houses.
(A scary and much older Harry is seen sitting somehow bored and amused at the same time as he looks through a photo album Hagro gave him the year before)
Harry: *I am the star; I will sit here and look really interested in this book until my big star opening musical number. I will wait patiently. Waaaaait for it Harry.*
(Camera zooms in, colliding with Harry's head)
Harry: OW! Mother %#$! Columbus!
Chris Columbus: Hey. I told you guys to cut that scene!
Editing staff: *shrugs*
(Harry's evil bird wildly starts thrashing in his cage, ruining Harry's "big opening line". Harry kicks cage Jackie Chan style)
Harry: HEDWIG! You nasty evil bird! You ruined this for me! I AM THE STAR!! GET IT?! SCAR *Harry points to the disgusting disfiguring gash on his forehead* EQUALS STAR!! I had a big musical number ready and now-!"
(Realizing the camera is on him he bursts into a screaming song and river dance sequence)
Harry: "You know me, I have this scar that's haunting! Only two friends I have in this world, Are one brain dead git, And an ugly girl! But I'm the STAR!! HARRY!!! YEAH! I'm HARRY!!"
(Harry's song abruptly stops and the audience exhale in relief)
Uncle Vermin: "HARRY!!! GET DOWN HERE!!
(Harry darts his eyes at the bird loathingly)
Harry: "NOW look what you've done!"
(Hedwig chains a string of hoots curiously sounding like curse words as Harry exits the room.)
Uncle Vermin: "I still no like's you boy. I no like's that bird. I still hate you. Let me tell you I have *important* guests coming over, now I give you plenty time to somehow ruin it."
Harry: "Uh, whatever?"
(Harry points to his scar for no apparent reason other than to gain more attention)
(Audience flinches at the sight of his horrible disfigurement)
Uncle Vermin: "OHHHH NO! First I must be anal and make sure you all knows your spots!! Now, Petima where shall you be?"
Petima: "I be waiting on the floor to graciously let them step on dress"
Vermin: "And you Dubbly, my son?"
Dubbly: "I'll be waiting on the floor by the front door to roll them in on me back!"
Harry: Huh? On your back?
(All three of them then group around Harry looking quite evil indeed)
Vermin: "And YOU boy?"
Harry: "I will be in my room plotting some way make the audience feel sorry for me and in turn have all the right to ruin your night!"
(Harry enters his bedroom to find green tennis balls strung from the ceiling.)
Harry: "Wow. who are you?"
Tennis ball: Sir! I am dobby sir!
(Harry stares at the tennis balls silently as five minutes pass)
(Columbus looks hopefully from Harry to Dobby)
Harry: This isn't going to work guys! I can't even tell where he is!
Tennis ball: But SIR!! I am right-
Harry: NO! I AM THE STAR! Look, SEE THE SCAR!? *Audience shudders* I don't think this is going to work out I am sorry. It's not me, it's YOU. We went with another much cooler animated creature er- We're going to have to let you go. Jolly good day to you!
Chris Columbus: WHAT!? *looking at the editing staff as they all just shrug at him*
Suddenly the scene flashes and Dobby has been replaced by a small brown puppet.
Harry: "Excuse me? *Harry gives a dashing smile to the camera* But, WHO are you?"
Alf: *Yells* HEY MAN! I'm ALF! I know this is a trip man but mad shit's about to go down at the crib! YOU totally can't go to school buddy"
Columbus: ALF?! That alien puppet thing from TV?!
(Alf then blows a long puff of smoke out of his mouth)
Columbus buries his head into his hands and begins to vomit.
Harry: "Alf this isn't a good time to have a. brown thing in room. I'm doing my big opening musical number".
(Harry then motions over his wardrobes filled with dresses and make up. Realizing what was showing he abruptly shut the doors)
Harry: *flustered* "Fine you just stay QUIET and let me finish my song."
(Alf then sat on Harry's bed as he continued blowing smoke out of his mouth and occasionally engaging in rants of laughter for no apparent reason)
(Harry breaks loudly into his song as he stomps around his room in a river dance)
"Oh I'm Harry! I am BEAUTIFUL! My hair gets messed And I fail Snape's tests, I'd be the very best Only if I had big-!
Uncle Vermin: HARRY!!!
(Disrupted, he hears Uncle Vermin violently stomping upstairs. He flashes a dirty look toward Alf)
Harry: "NOW look what you have done"
(Angered by his guest's rudeness, Harry throws the puppet into the wardrobe just before Vermin walks into the room.)
Uncle Vermin: You are loud! I hate you more so! You just ruined the punch line to my American hooker with a donkey baseball joke!
(Alf stumbles from the wardrobe perfumed and wearing a mini-skirt, noticing Uncle Vermin, he falls limp to the floor)
(An audience member gets up and leaves)
(Columbus's eyes start to burn)
Uncle Vermin: "And for God's sakes boy, STOP dressing in all those funny clothes with your freaky friends!"
(Uncle Vermin leaves)
ALF: "Hey I stole all your letters bitch!"
(Harry chases the brown puppet down the hallway, stopping every now and then to remove himself from the entangled puppet strings.)
Alf: "HA! I spill this cake on her head!"
(Two fake, furry and brown gloved hands are seen carrying the cake across the room.)
Columbus: "Oh you've GOT to be kidding me!"
Alf: "Here I go!" *Pause in film*
(The grotesquely gloved human hands drop the cake)
Harry: "It wasn't me!! It was HIM!" Harry shrieks jumping up and down, as he points to the puppet standing near the couch.
(The puppet suddenly goes limp and falls to the floor)
(Columbus vomits yet again)
(Later on some other night (?) we see Harry lying awake in bed)
Harry: "Oh I cannot sleep! Darn this beautiful face! I will look out my window at my beautiful reflection until something happens."
(We see a very sad and lonely Harry looking out his jail-barred window wearing a wig (?) Magically something happens JUST THEN involving the Weasley's and a flying Ford truck)
Ron: "Howdy ma'am *tips hat* excuse me miss have you seen a boy named Harry Potter?"
(Harry realizes the wig is on and quickly snatches it off of his head)
Ron: *unblinkingly* "Great! She found you!"
(Fred and George both look at their younger brother with pity)
Ron: "We come to take you to our poor people house that looks NOTHING like a poor people house HURRY!"
(Harry grabs his trunk and evil birdcage containing the evil bird, then looking rather hopeful he moves toward his wardrobe)
Fred: "COMMON HARRY! It is time to make as much noise as possible as I pull off your jail bars with my truck!!"
(They do so and accomplish their goal)
Uncle Vermin: We no lets you get away boy! I wake up and come grab your shoe! Ba! Here I am now!
Harry: *screaming like a sissy* "Nooooo you big bad man let GO of me!!"
(George drives truck quickly to safety, doing so, flips Vermin out the window bowling ball style)
Harry & Weasleys: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
Ron: "By the way Harry, happy Christmas!"
Audience: "Huh?!"
HE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END!
A jolly little song erupts letting all the audiences know that they are soon to be violated by many young pre-pubescent witches and wizards
"Da-ding-da-da-dading-ding-da-da-da-da"
Camera swoops through polluted clouds to show a village of houses.
(A scary and much older Harry is seen sitting somehow bored and amused at the same time as he looks through a photo album Hagro gave him the year before)
Harry: *I am the star; I will sit here and look really interested in this book until my big star opening musical number. I will wait patiently. Waaaaait for it Harry.*
(Camera zooms in, colliding with Harry's head)
Harry: OW! Mother %#$! Columbus!
Chris Columbus: Hey. I told you guys to cut that scene!
Editing staff: *shrugs*
(Harry's evil bird wildly starts thrashing in his cage, ruining Harry's "big opening line". Harry kicks cage Jackie Chan style)
Harry: HEDWIG! You nasty evil bird! You ruined this for me! I AM THE STAR!! GET IT?! SCAR *Harry points to the disgusting disfiguring gash on his forehead* EQUALS STAR!! I had a big musical number ready and now-!"
(Realizing the camera is on him he bursts into a screaming song and river dance sequence)
Harry: "You know me, I have this scar that's haunting! Only two friends I have in this world, Are one brain dead git, And an ugly girl! But I'm the STAR!! HARRY!!! YEAH! I'm HARRY!!"
(Harry's song abruptly stops and the audience exhale in relief)
Uncle Vermin: "HARRY!!! GET DOWN HERE!!
(Harry darts his eyes at the bird loathingly)
Harry: "NOW look what you've done!"
(Hedwig chains a string of hoots curiously sounding like curse words as Harry exits the room.)
Uncle Vermin: "I still no like's you boy. I no like's that bird. I still hate you. Let me tell you I have *important* guests coming over, now I give you plenty time to somehow ruin it."
Harry: "Uh, whatever?"
(Harry points to his scar for no apparent reason other than to gain more attention)
(Audience flinches at the sight of his horrible disfigurement)
Uncle Vermin: "OHHHH NO! First I must be anal and make sure you all knows your spots!! Now, Petima where shall you be?"
Petima: "I be waiting on the floor to graciously let them step on dress"
Vermin: "And you Dubbly, my son?"
Dubbly: "I'll be waiting on the floor by the front door to roll them in on me back!"
Harry: Huh? On your back?
(All three of them then group around Harry looking quite evil indeed)
Vermin: "And YOU boy?"
Harry: "I will be in my room plotting some way make the audience feel sorry for me and in turn have all the right to ruin your night!"
(Harry enters his bedroom to find green tennis balls strung from the ceiling.)
Harry: "Wow. who are you?"
Tennis ball: Sir! I am dobby sir!
(Harry stares at the tennis balls silently as five minutes pass)
(Columbus looks hopefully from Harry to Dobby)
Harry: This isn't going to work guys! I can't even tell where he is!
Tennis ball: But SIR!! I am right-
Harry: NO! I AM THE STAR! Look, SEE THE SCAR!? *Audience shudders* I don't think this is going to work out I am sorry. It's not me, it's YOU. We went with another much cooler animated creature er- We're going to have to let you go. Jolly good day to you!
Chris Columbus: WHAT!? *looking at the editing staff as they all just shrug at him*
Suddenly the scene flashes and Dobby has been replaced by a small brown puppet.
Harry: "Excuse me? *Harry gives a dashing smile to the camera* But, WHO are you?"
Alf: *Yells* HEY MAN! I'm ALF! I know this is a trip man but mad shit's about to go down at the crib! YOU totally can't go to school buddy"
Columbus: ALF?! That alien puppet thing from TV?!
(Alf then blows a long puff of smoke out of his mouth)
Columbus buries his head into his hands and begins to vomit.
Harry: "Alf this isn't a good time to have a. brown thing in room. I'm doing my big opening musical number".
(Harry then motions over his wardrobes filled with dresses and make up. Realizing what was showing he abruptly shut the doors)
Harry: *flustered* "Fine you just stay QUIET and let me finish my song."
(Alf then sat on Harry's bed as he continued blowing smoke out of his mouth and occasionally engaging in rants of laughter for no apparent reason)
(Harry breaks loudly into his song as he stomps around his room in a river dance)
"Oh I'm Harry! I am BEAUTIFUL! My hair gets messed And I fail Snape's tests, I'd be the very best Only if I had big-!
Uncle Vermin: HARRY!!!
(Disrupted, he hears Uncle Vermin violently stomping upstairs. He flashes a dirty look toward Alf)
Harry: "NOW look what you have done"
(Angered by his guest's rudeness, Harry throws the puppet into the wardrobe just before Vermin walks into the room.)
Uncle Vermin: You are loud! I hate you more so! You just ruined the punch line to my American hooker with a donkey baseball joke!
(Alf stumbles from the wardrobe perfumed and wearing a mini-skirt, noticing Uncle Vermin, he falls limp to the floor)
(An audience member gets up and leaves)
(Columbus's eyes start to burn)
Uncle Vermin: "And for God's sakes boy, STOP dressing in all those funny clothes with your freaky friends!"
(Uncle Vermin leaves)
ALF: "Hey I stole all your letters bitch!"
(Harry chases the brown puppet down the hallway, stopping every now and then to remove himself from the entangled puppet strings.)
Alf: "HA! I spill this cake on her head!"
(Two fake, furry and brown gloved hands are seen carrying the cake across the room.)
Columbus: "Oh you've GOT to be kidding me!"
Alf: "Here I go!" *Pause in film*
(The grotesquely gloved human hands drop the cake)
Harry: "It wasn't me!! It was HIM!" Harry shrieks jumping up and down, as he points to the puppet standing near the couch.
(The puppet suddenly goes limp and falls to the floor)
(Columbus vomits yet again)
(Later on some other night (?) we see Harry lying awake in bed)
Harry: "Oh I cannot sleep! Darn this beautiful face! I will look out my window at my beautiful reflection until something happens."
(We see a very sad and lonely Harry looking out his jail-barred window wearing a wig (?) Magically something happens JUST THEN involving the Weasley's and a flying Ford truck)
Ron: "Howdy ma'am *tips hat* excuse me miss have you seen a boy named Harry Potter?"
(Harry realizes the wig is on and quickly snatches it off of his head)
Ron: *unblinkingly* "Great! She found you!"
(Fred and George both look at their younger brother with pity)
Ron: "We come to take you to our poor people house that looks NOTHING like a poor people house HURRY!"
(Harry grabs his trunk and evil birdcage containing the evil bird, then looking rather hopeful he moves toward his wardrobe)
Fred: "COMMON HARRY! It is time to make as much noise as possible as I pull off your jail bars with my truck!!"
(They do so and accomplish their goal)
Uncle Vermin: We no lets you get away boy! I wake up and come grab your shoe! Ba! Here I am now!
Harry: *screaming like a sissy* "Nooooo you big bad man let GO of me!!"
(George drives truck quickly to safety, doing so, flips Vermin out the window bowling ball style)
Harry & Weasleys: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
Ron: "By the way Harry, happy Christmas!"
Audience: "Huh?!"