QUIDISH FIELD CONTINUED
(Hermione is barfing up slugs everywhere)
Harry: Hey Ron, *stifling a laugh* she doesn't look too good.
Ron: "Yeah *snicker* I know, this is, TERRIBLE."
Harry: "Good thing she isn't *pauses to give a dashing smile at the camera* THE STAR!"
(Ron and Harry laugh and point as they slowly back away from everyone attempting to exit the scene)
Wood: "Where do you two flamers think you're going? We still haven't practiced or given these green butt monkeys dirty looks yet"
Harry: "Okay okay, hold on to your panties Wood, I need to stretch all the proper muscles before practice."
(Harry bends over as far as he can and sticks his head between his ankles while making very unnecessary grunting noises)
Harry: "Hey Ron, sweety, could you help me mate?"
(The rest of the group all falls silent in shock and disgust as they watch the two of them maneuver a series of tantric-like positions together)
Wood: "Err- *to Milfoil* you guys go ahead, I suddenly 'ave the urge to watch home décor shows. Gotta run."
(Harry and Ron finish their stretching to find that everyone has vanished.)
Harry: "Hmm, well looks like everyone got tired. Oh well. We can play a one-on-one game! What do ya say?"
Ron: "AW BLOODY HAYO! My Buttpick100 is all the way in the castle!"
Harry: "ACCIO BUTTPICK!"
(Broom comes flying out; Harry grips it hard with both hands and examines it from tip to bristles.)
Harry: "Nice wood Ron." *throws broom to Ron*
Ron: *Blushing* "Thanks."
DETENTION WITH PROF. LOOKHARD
(Late at night on her way back from the hospital wing, Hermione hears what she thinks MIGHT be low moans coming from Professor Lookhard's class room)
Harry: "This is HARD!"
(Hermione recognizes Harry's quivering girly voice and stops to listen)
Lookhard: Here Harry, watch me. Now see how I don't seize my hand up? You do it with kind of a slack grip at first"
Harry: "So that's how it's done?" *Harry tries*
Lookhard: "You see! It is simply a matter of quick soft touches"
(Hermione claps her hand over her mouth disbelieving what she is hearing)
Harry: "Oh, like this?"
(Columbus lights his eye brows on fire)
Lookhard: "Yes, yes, but loosen your grip a bit and jerk your wrist at the end. That's it. There ya go, doesn't that feel better?"
Harry: "mmmmmmmmmmmmm, Yes much better"
Lookhard: "Good. Now once you get better we can try going faster"
(Hermione nearly faints)
Harry: "Wow, I never knew that holding the quill in such a way could make signing autographs so much easier, AND fun!"
(Harry leaves class to meet up with Ron)
Ron: "Hey Harry!" *Rubbing his buttock*
(Just then Harry hears strange snake voices coming from the wall to his left.)
Scary Snake Voice: "Sssssssssisssssssssyy little boyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I want to Tassssssssssssste you. TASSSSSSSSSTE YOU! Yessssssssss. Yesssssssssssss"
Harry: *Waves the voice away as if batting a fly* "Later Ron."
Ron: "What was that Harry? I didn't say anathin" *Looks at Harry nervously*
Harry: "I am over wrought! I KNOW I heard someone say I should taste you now!"
Ron: "Well let's get to it then!" *Puckers up*
Scary Snake Voice: "Sssssssssssssshit, I am gonna SSSSSSSSSSSSSSPEW! I am sssssssoooooooooooo dissssssssssgusssssssssted!"
Harry: "Hurry! I think it's going to KILL!"
(Runs off in a girlish fashion, arms going back and forth across his limp, uncoordinated body)
Ron: "Huh? HarrrrREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Wait for MEEEEEEEEEEE!"
(Ron chases after Harry with an eye on the gentle swivel of his hips)
(Suddenly they slip in a pool of goo and trip over a form lying in the middle of the hallway)
Harry: "DAMN! It looks like Filth's cat, Mrs. Snorus!"
Ron: "Look at that weird writing on that wall."
(They both turn to see the words are written in fresh feces, and oh, the STENCH of it)
Harry reads: "'Ayas of the Ayas Bewayr'? What the hell does that mean?"
Ron: "Where is that silly girl when ya need her?"
Harry screams her name: "HERRRRRMYYYOONNNNEEEE! HELP US! EEEEEEAAAAAAA!!"
(As if out of MAGIC, she appears next to them, her head is wrapped in a plastic bag as she is caught coloring her hair)
Hermione: "WHAT do you need NOW? I was just, um, shampooing my hair. OH MY GOOD LORD WHAT IS THIS?"
(She backs away noticing Ron's hands are undoubtedly massaging Harry's rear)
Ron: He fell and tripped over THAT *points to cat*
Harry: "Yeah my bum hurts, he's making it better. What? Why are you looking at us like that?"
(The three of them freeze and stare at one another for a period of time)
Hermione: "OH MY GOOD LORD WHAT IS THIS?!"
Ron: "We just went over this! Look he might have broken something and I am just feeling all over to make sure--
Hermione: "NO! That! *points to cat* that's Filth's cat Mrs. Snorus! SHES BEEN STIFFIFIED!"
(At this point the whole friggin wizarding world shows up in the hall)
Harry: *Pushes Ron away quickly and forces a smile* Hey everyone. Err good dinner? Ahem. Was it Chicken and potatoes, no? Perhaps, turkey-delight stews, no? Mince pies all around maybe?"
Ron: *Looking hungry* "Err yeah how about big thick-n-juicy wieners on sticks?"
(Everyone stops and looks at Ron)
Prof. Snappy: "OHMIGOODNESS! The pussy cat is hurt! How did this happen?"
(Snappy starts to cry as he gives the stiff cat a good rub down)
Milfoil: "Roar!"
Hermione: *whispering* "Look! Here comes Dumbledorf!"
(Dumbledore is seen at the far end of the hall making his way up inch by inch with his walker and pace maker)
(The crowd stands in silence for ten minutes as they watch him painfully struggle to lift his walker each step)
Ron: *whispers* "Hey Harry, when we are THAT old do you think we will still be able to do our karma sutra?"
Harry: "Shoosh!"
(Dumbledore staggers upon them, bends over, and begins coughing and hacking up phlegm all over the floor)
Dumbledore: *wheezing* "Harry Potter you little twit. What did you frig up now?"
Harry: "Err- EXCUSE me?" *Points to scar then rubs his fingers together*
(Dumbledore looking scared, cowers a bit)
Dumbledore: 100 points to griffohore! *cough cough spit* Goodnight everyone.
Everyone: Goodnight
Prof Filth: "I'll killya.. I'LL KILLYA! My cat has been stiffified and I want someone's ASS for it!"
Hermione: *Slaps Prof Filth and wipes her hands on Harry's behind while Ron's back is turned* "Are you THICK as WELL AS UGLY?? She is ONLY STIFFIFIED!
**********************************
(Hermione is barfing up slugs everywhere)
Harry: Hey Ron, *stifling a laugh* she doesn't look too good.
Ron: "Yeah *snicker* I know, this is, TERRIBLE."
Harry: "Good thing she isn't *pauses to give a dashing smile at the camera* THE STAR!"
(Ron and Harry laugh and point as they slowly back away from everyone attempting to exit the scene)
Wood: "Where do you two flamers think you're going? We still haven't practiced or given these green butt monkeys dirty looks yet"
Harry: "Okay okay, hold on to your panties Wood, I need to stretch all the proper muscles before practice."
(Harry bends over as far as he can and sticks his head between his ankles while making very unnecessary grunting noises)
Harry: "Hey Ron, sweety, could you help me mate?"
(The rest of the group all falls silent in shock and disgust as they watch the two of them maneuver a series of tantric-like positions together)
Wood: "Err- *to Milfoil* you guys go ahead, I suddenly 'ave the urge to watch home décor shows. Gotta run."
(Harry and Ron finish their stretching to find that everyone has vanished.)
Harry: "Hmm, well looks like everyone got tired. Oh well. We can play a one-on-one game! What do ya say?"
Ron: "AW BLOODY HAYO! My Buttpick100 is all the way in the castle!"
Harry: "ACCIO BUTTPICK!"
(Broom comes flying out; Harry grips it hard with both hands and examines it from tip to bristles.)
Harry: "Nice wood Ron." *throws broom to Ron*
Ron: *Blushing* "Thanks."
DETENTION WITH PROF. LOOKHARD
(Late at night on her way back from the hospital wing, Hermione hears what she thinks MIGHT be low moans coming from Professor Lookhard's class room)
Harry: "This is HARD!"
(Hermione recognizes Harry's quivering girly voice and stops to listen)
Lookhard: Here Harry, watch me. Now see how I don't seize my hand up? You do it with kind of a slack grip at first"
Harry: "So that's how it's done?" *Harry tries*
Lookhard: "You see! It is simply a matter of quick soft touches"
(Hermione claps her hand over her mouth disbelieving what she is hearing)
Harry: "Oh, like this?"
(Columbus lights his eye brows on fire)
Lookhard: "Yes, yes, but loosen your grip a bit and jerk your wrist at the end. That's it. There ya go, doesn't that feel better?"
Harry: "mmmmmmmmmmmmm, Yes much better"
Lookhard: "Good. Now once you get better we can try going faster"
(Hermione nearly faints)
Harry: "Wow, I never knew that holding the quill in such a way could make signing autographs so much easier, AND fun!"
(Harry leaves class to meet up with Ron)
Ron: "Hey Harry!" *Rubbing his buttock*
(Just then Harry hears strange snake voices coming from the wall to his left.)
Scary Snake Voice: "Sssssssssisssssssssyy little boyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I want to Tassssssssssssste you. TASSSSSSSSSTE YOU! Yessssssssss. Yesssssssssssss"
Harry: *Waves the voice away as if batting a fly* "Later Ron."
Ron: "What was that Harry? I didn't say anathin" *Looks at Harry nervously*
Harry: "I am over wrought! I KNOW I heard someone say I should taste you now!"
Ron: "Well let's get to it then!" *Puckers up*
Scary Snake Voice: "Sssssssssssssshit, I am gonna SSSSSSSSSSSSSSPEW! I am sssssssoooooooooooo dissssssssssgusssssssssted!"
Harry: "Hurry! I think it's going to KILL!"
(Runs off in a girlish fashion, arms going back and forth across his limp, uncoordinated body)
Ron: "Huh? HarrrrREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Wait for MEEEEEEEEEEE!"
(Ron chases after Harry with an eye on the gentle swivel of his hips)
(Suddenly they slip in a pool of goo and trip over a form lying in the middle of the hallway)
Harry: "DAMN! It looks like Filth's cat, Mrs. Snorus!"
Ron: "Look at that weird writing on that wall."
(They both turn to see the words are written in fresh feces, and oh, the STENCH of it)
Harry reads: "'Ayas of the Ayas Bewayr'? What the hell does that mean?"
Ron: "Where is that silly girl when ya need her?"
Harry screams her name: "HERRRRRMYYYOONNNNEEEE! HELP US! EEEEEEAAAAAAA!!"
(As if out of MAGIC, she appears next to them, her head is wrapped in a plastic bag as she is caught coloring her hair)
Hermione: "WHAT do you need NOW? I was just, um, shampooing my hair. OH MY GOOD LORD WHAT IS THIS?"
(She backs away noticing Ron's hands are undoubtedly massaging Harry's rear)
Ron: He fell and tripped over THAT *points to cat*
Harry: "Yeah my bum hurts, he's making it better. What? Why are you looking at us like that?"
(The three of them freeze and stare at one another for a period of time)
Hermione: "OH MY GOOD LORD WHAT IS THIS?!"
Ron: "We just went over this! Look he might have broken something and I am just feeling all over to make sure--
Hermione: "NO! That! *points to cat* that's Filth's cat Mrs. Snorus! SHES BEEN STIFFIFIED!"
(At this point the whole friggin wizarding world shows up in the hall)
Harry: *Pushes Ron away quickly and forces a smile* Hey everyone. Err good dinner? Ahem. Was it Chicken and potatoes, no? Perhaps, turkey-delight stews, no? Mince pies all around maybe?"
Ron: *Looking hungry* "Err yeah how about big thick-n-juicy wieners on sticks?"
(Everyone stops and looks at Ron)
Prof. Snappy: "OHMIGOODNESS! The pussy cat is hurt! How did this happen?"
(Snappy starts to cry as he gives the stiff cat a good rub down)
Milfoil: "Roar!"
Hermione: *whispering* "Look! Here comes Dumbledorf!"
(Dumbledore is seen at the far end of the hall making his way up inch by inch with his walker and pace maker)
(The crowd stands in silence for ten minutes as they watch him painfully struggle to lift his walker each step)
Ron: *whispers* "Hey Harry, when we are THAT old do you think we will still be able to do our karma sutra?"
Harry: "Shoosh!"
(Dumbledore staggers upon them, bends over, and begins coughing and hacking up phlegm all over the floor)
Dumbledore: *wheezing* "Harry Potter you little twit. What did you frig up now?"
Harry: "Err- EXCUSE me?" *Points to scar then rubs his fingers together*
(Dumbledore looking scared, cowers a bit)
Dumbledore: 100 points to griffohore! *cough cough spit* Goodnight everyone.
Everyone: Goodnight
Prof Filth: "I'll killya.. I'LL KILLYA! My cat has been stiffified and I want someone's ASS for it!"
Hermione: *Slaps Prof Filth and wipes her hands on Harry's behind while Ron's back is turned* "Are you THICK as WELL AS UGLY?? She is ONLY STIFFIFIED!
**********************************