A/N Hey! Thanks for the reviews! Now on with it now!

PROFFESSOR MCGORILLAS CLASSROOM

Prof. McGorilla: "I am old. Okay now that said, today we will be turning poop into hamburgers. Watch me"

(She points her wand at a humungous thestral turd laying on top her desk)

Prof. McGorilla: "One, two, three DOODIEHAMBURGERO!

(Poof a huge hamburger appears)

(Ron licks his lips)

Prof. McGorilla: "Okay now one of you try, YES Mr. Weasley, one two three doodiehamburgero."

(Harry squeezes Ron's leg to encourage him)

(Ron clears throat and point his wand at his own turd lying on his desk)

Ron: "DOODIEHAMBURGERO!"

(PooF a somewhat smaller yet still good sized burger appears on Ron and Harry's desk)

Ron: "WEE-YICKED!"

Hermione: "Professor, can you tell us what all this stiffening mumbo-jumbo junk is all about?"

(The class falls silent partly to listen and partly to flick small poop balls at each other)

Prof. McGorilla: "Very well then. An old guy a long time ago thought it would be fun to make people stiff-

(She stops abruptly)

(Remainder of class turns to see what she is looking at)

(Harry and Ron are sitting dangerously close, with a dungburger connecting them at their mouths)

Prof. McGorilla: *Shutters* "ANYWAY. He thought people with stiff bodies was funny and he used to take them into a 'secret layer' naturally the whole place has been searched and so such layer has been found"

Hermione: "Professor, do you know exactly what lies in the laya?"

Prof McGorilla: "It is said to behold *dramatic pause*

(She turns around and then turns back to be seen wearing a huge, hideous and scary spider mask)

Prof. McGorilla: "A MONSSSTEEERRRR!!" *flails her arms in the air and makes spitting noises*

(Ron and Harry both burp and giggle)

(Class is over and with Harry and Ron staring at one another; the three of them walk out.)

Hermione: "I THINK ITS MILFOIL!"

Ron: "WHAT are you talking about?!"

Hermione: "Weren't you two LISTENING in there?? McGorilla was telling us about the laya!"

(Ignoring her, Harry cleans the mustard off of Ron's lips)

Hermione: "I must prepare. It will take months!"

(She runs away)

Ron: "MEN-TAL that one is!"

Harry: "Oh no! Ron, here comes Milfoil! Save me! Save me!"

(Harry cowers behind Ron and grabs his buttock)

Milfoil: "Roar! Have a Bludger! HA! I have bewitched it! Bludgergoinassholio!"

(Bludger flies around behind Harry and lodges itself up his rear)

(Harry shrieks out in pain)

Ron: "HARRY! ARE YOU ALLRIGHT?!"

Harry: "Oh my pain is sweet and horrible! I look forward to it each time; it makes me quiver and slime!"

Milfoil: "What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway!?"

(Harry squats down and grunts for a few minutes then poops out the Bludger)

Lookhard: "What is going on here?"

Ron: "IT'S HIS BUTTOCK!"

Harry: "I think my bum is broken!"

Lookhard: "NOT TO WORRY! I can mend bones in a heart beat! Now, turn that scrumptious- err let me see your rear end"

(Harry reluctantly turns to show his now maimed and disfigured butt to the crowd)

Lookhard: "BROKIASSEMENDO!"

(Harry's butt shrivels and wrinkles making very many high-pitched farting noises)

HOSPITAL WING

Madame Humpfree: You stupid little boy! You SHOULD have come straight to me but NOOO! STUPID!

Harry: "Err-yeah really? Scar? *Points* Yeah, NOT OKAY"

Humpfree: "Oh well I meant stupid in the best way possible I really--!

(Madame Humpfree has now been replaced by a very plump man wearing rainbow colored robes)

Dame Humpfree: "Oh my goodness gracious cutie pants! Let's have a looksie!"

Harry: *whimpering* "I think my tooshie is broken!"

Dame Humpfree: "Here take this sweetie"

(Rubs a nasty thick cream reeking of "anal odor" on Harry's anus)

Harry: "Thanks mister!"

LATER ON THAT NIGHT

Scary snake voice: Sssssssssay there ssssssssssilly boy! Yesssssssss I ssssssshould Ssssssssslurp you! Tasssssssssste you! Yesss! Yesss! YESSSSSSSS!

(Harry now with his rear covered in a thick gauze padding, awakes with a start to be staring face to face with a brown puppet wearing a grateful dead T-shirt and reeking of alcohol)

ALF: "Hey, wassup? Wanna hit this?" *Offers his large bottle of beer*

Harry: "What? No! Juice shrinks the manhood if ya know what I'm sayin"

ALF: "Oh really?"

(ALF takes off pants)

(A large noise is made as something heavy hits the bed with a THUMP)

Harry: "Uhm that really was not necessary. But thanks, I did like it. A LOT"

ALF: *zips up* "Look, I friggin told you not to come here! Now you and your pansy little boyfriend have ruined it all"

Harry: "What? Who Ron? Ron's not my BOYFRIEND! Why would you SAY such a thing?? There is OBVIOUS chemistry between HERMIONE and I!"

(ALF looks at him bored)

ALF: "Look bro, I'm a bloody puppet okay *chugs more beer* Just keep your ass out of trouble"

(Harry still feeling a bit drowsy from his anal crème doesn't take offense)

ALF: "Peace out"

(Old people are heard approaching the hospital wing)

(Harry lies down on his ass pad and pretends to be sleeping)

McGorilla: "Dame Humpfree, I think he's been STIFFIFIED!"

Humpfree: "Okay, where is the little fella?"

McGorilla: "Old man Dumbledore is bringing him"

(A small motor wheel chair is heard slowly approaching to the room, backfiring as it stutters along)

Dumbledore: *Cough Cough* "All most *pauses to take breath* there"

WIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRR POP

(5 minutes later he appears in the doorway with a stiffened body lying in a little pink basket attached to his Scooter Deluxe)

Dumbledore: "Fix him. School's not safe. Goodnight."

(He turns slowly, knocking into the wall and making a skid mark, waking up the occupants of the first beds of the wing)

DUELING CLUB

Columbus: Hey! What about the quidditch match?!

Xmudx: "Shush!"

(Large room filled with students and a huge table which Professor Lookhard is standing on)

Lookhard: "Hello everyone! You are all looking quite young and luscious-err energetic today!"

(Room falls silent)

Lookhard: "Now we are to train you all up to DEFEND yourselves! Would you like to help, Professor Snappy?"

(Snappy turning quite red develops a child like grin on his face and leaps on top the table and does a pirouette)

Snappy: "Super! Thanks for asking! -Oh and by the way,*blushes* LOVE what you've done to your robes!"

Ron: *shouting* I AGREE!

(Hermione and Harry both shoot Ron dirty looks)

Lookhard: "Now Professor Snappy and I will charm one another." *The both begin looking alluring and smiling sweetly at each other*

(Harry and Ron begin moving to a dark corner to be alone)

(Suddenly the crowd of students is entranced by the display of pink hearts, lips, ponies, and rainbows floating between the two professors)

(Students all start retching)

Lookhard: "Right, now how about a volunteer pair. Ron and Harry you are our volunteers. WHERE ARE YOU? HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

Hermione: "STOP THAT YOU TWO!"

(Ron looks innocently up as his hands are lost in Harry's robes)

Lookhard: "Common, while you two were fondling each other you missed an excellent charms example. Get up here"

(Harry climbs on one side with his robes sticking out over his ass pad)

(Ron climbs to the opposite side smelling his fingers as he goes, while Harry drags his sorry ass up as best he is able.)

Ron: (casting his charms spell at Harry) "AssPadBeGonerro!"

(Suddenly Harry's wounds on his backside are miraculously healed)

Harry: "WOW RON! THANKS!"

(Everybody is amazed that Ron seems to have the special talent to remove padding as many menstruating girls suddenly reach into their robes, having felt immediate cool air and emptiness.)

*Ron smiles thrillingly at his newly discovered talent, while Hermione looks totally ticked off*

Hermione: "OH BRILLIANT RON! WHAT is the purpose of a talent like THAT?"

Harry: "Not sure, but I am very grateful to be rid of my asspad. It made me walk funny and my crack was chaffing."

CLASS OVER! MORE SOON!