A/N hey thanks to UnCoNtRoLaBle o0true0o The Social Leper and OceanSoul
for your reviews!
RANDOM HALLWAY
Harry: "Have you seen or heard anything from Hermione lately, mate?"
Ron: "She should be out of the hospital wing soon. She was found stuffed into a jar of fungus food and developed a nasty case of ear lobe mushrooms"
(Ron stifles a laugh)
Harry: "Wow, for someone who hates us so much, Milfoil sure did us right by taking care of that wench for a change!"
Ron: "I wonder how he made himself look like her anyway."
Harry: I 'spect it wouldn't be too difficult, she was quite masculine with her large shoulders and bushy eyebrows"
Ron: "Right you are my friend, right you are. Wait! What's this?"
(Harry and Ron come upon a large amount of water in the hallway, seemingly from the girls' lavatory)
Harry: "OY, Ron! I think it's going to KILL! Err, um, never mind mate."
(Our stars decide they must go into the girl's lavatory and investigate)
(A really FOWL smell greets them from the jammed toilets)
Ron: "OH GAWWWWWD"
(Ron and Harry step over many large chunks of dark material they find floating on the floor.)
Darla: *Crying* "OHHHHHHHHH COMMON!" *grunts*"
(They find Darla sitting on a toilet gripping her knees with a ghostly red face, standing guard beside, her faithful ghost goat)
(Ron has something stuck on his foot and accidentally kicks it against Harry's robe)
Harry: "Err, excuse me, but why are you sitting on that toilet crying? And Ron, did you just flick some turds on me?"
Ron: "Yea, sorry mate. Is there anyway I can make it up to you?"
(Ron looks hopefully from Harry's eyes to his buttock)
Darla: "Come to throw another book through the top of my head again? *SOB, SNIFF, SOB, BLUBBER, SOB*
Goat: "RrrrBAAA-AA-AAAA-AA!"
Ron: "Err-What's wrong with your goat?"
(Ron eyes goat with malicious intent)
Darla: *Sniff, snivel* "My goat can tell when I am constipated. She is, *loud, painful MOAAAAAAN* very attuned to my bowels and knows when I am in great pain."
Harry: "Wow. Cool. So, err, where's the book?"
(Ron sees the book lying next to a feminine napkin dispenser and picks it up.)
Darla: "FINE! *grunt* NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE GHOST!"
(Ron and Harry shrug their shoulders and leave)
(Harry jumps to avoid a floating poop log.)
Harry: "OH MY SWEET LORD! It STINKS! That dumbass ghost has clogged up all the heads in there!"
(Harry looks down to see a bit of turd which Ron wiped on his robe and smears it on a wall)
Ron: "HARRRReeeeeeeeee, wasn't that message next to Mrs. Snorus written in feces?"
Harry: "CRAP! There's no writing in this book!"
Ron: "Oh well. Let's go do our stretches again!"
Harry: "Hang on. Maybe this book will tell us all the answers!"
Ron: "Why would it do that?"
Harry: "Gee I dunno, maybe because I am the STAR and I found it. DUH!"
Ron: "Fair enough"
LIBRARY
(Harry sits alone with the shit incrusted book flipping its empty pages)
Harry: "DAMN why won't something magical happen?"
(A fleck of dried poo falls onto one of the pages and magically disappears)
Harry: "EUREEKA! I'VE GOT IT!"
(Harry pulls the remaining feces off his robes and smears onto the page)
HI THERE! IM HARRY
(Disappears)
Scary writing: HI HARRY I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT THE AYER-OF-THE-AYER LAYER
(Harry looks both shocked and pissed off)
Harry smears another message-
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. CAN YOU TELL ME HOW BABIES ARE MADE?
Scary writing: NO
(Harry looks annoyed)
Scary writing: BUT I CAN SHOW YOU! LET ME TAKE YOU BACK 50 YEARS AGO!
Harry: "YES! FINALLY! RON! COME HERE!"
(Harry is sucked in to scary book to see young Hagro and some guy talking quietly)
Harry: "Hello? Can you hear me? Are YOU going to show me how babies are made?"
Hagro: "But wasn't she lactose intolerant?"
Some guy: "Indeed she was. Indeed she was. Ayers of the ayers bewayers!"
Harry: "Awe SHIT you friggin STUPID BOOK! You lied! I TOLD you I didn't care about this ayers-ayers crap!"
(Harry is then flung out of the book very hard and is propelled against a wall)
HARRY AND RONS DORM
(Harry returns from the library)
Ron: OY! What did you find out from the book?!
(Ron runs up to Harry to embrace)
Harry: "Well it sucked me in and WAS going to show me how babies were made"
Ron: "BLOODY HAYO!"
Harry: "Err Right. Hagro was there and was about to show me but then for some reason the damn book spit me out!"
Ron: "It's hopeless now we'll NEVER know"
(Rons eyes well up)
Ron: "No matter how we try, I don't think we will EVER conceive"
Columbus: "Huh?!"
Harry: "Hey lets just go ask Hagro! He can show us both now!"
HAGROS HUT
(Ron and Harry go to Hagro's nasty child-trap of a house out side the castle)
(KnOcK kNoCk!)
Hagro: "Oh, it's just YOU two again? Wha' re ye up ta now? Do ya's need 'nuther lesson on the ropes?"
(Harry and Ron arm-in-arm)
Ron: *Looks to Harry* "Err, No. I think we've still got it all down"
Harry: "Hagro, can we ask you a question that has been bothering us?"
Hagro: "Well sure! Seein' tha' were all friends even though the author of this story hasn't really shown! How can I help?"
Harry: "Well okay you see I found this book and it tried telling me of the ayers-of-ayers and how babies are made"
(Ron notices big jug of fresh milk)
Hagro: Ayers of Ayers?!
(Ron chugs the milk)
Harry: Yes but I didn't care about that-
Hagro: "Now what you gotta understand abou' THAT is-"
(Big knock on door)
(Dumbledore is carried in on a larger wizards back)
Hagro: "Well hello Professor Dumbledore! What happened to your scooter deluxe?"
(Dumbledore slowly slips off of the larger wizards back, struggles then falls to the floor with a hard thud)
*CraCk!*
Dumbledore: "Aee! My hip! My hip!" *cough cough*
(Ron and Harry start laughing)
Hagro: "Professor! Are you all righ'?! Common I'll take you to the hospital wing!"
(Flings Dumbledore over his shoulder)
*CrAcK SnAp!*
Harry: "But HAAAAGRO you were gonna tell us-!"
Hagro: "If you want to find out some err stuff just FOLLOW the snails! Yep tha' will lead ya righ'!"
(Harry and Ron follow outside)
Ron: BLOODY HAYO!
Harry: What will we do now? *rubbing his buttock*
Ron: "LOOK!"
(Two man-sized slugs are creeping slowly away from Hagros into the forest)
Harry: "Hey! There are some snails! You heard Hagro! Let's go!"
Snail #1: *talking low* Oh my god. Shit! Dude go faster I think those kids are going to try and follow us!
Harry: "Common! We've GOT to find out how babies are made!"
(Ron grabs his stomach)
Ron: Uuuuuhh! Oh my stomach! Hold on Harry I think that milk isn't setting well!"
(Harry waits as Ron goes over to near tree and squats down)
Harry: Common Ron! If we are going to ride them we need to catch them before they get AWAY!
(Snails have moved 6 inches)
Snail #2: *Whispering* "Oh shit did you hear that?! They want to ride us! Hurry!"
Ron: "Oh my GOD! Its like it won't stop coming out!!"
(Harry looks at Ron's reddening face in disgust)
Ron: "BLOODY HAYO OOOOOHHHH! THAT STINGS!!"
Harry: "Just pinch it off mate!"
Ron: "ooOOOooOOOoHHH!! The PAIN!
(10 minutes and 5 huge maple leaves later)
Ron: "All right lets go!"
Harry: "Wait! Riding snails can be strenuous! I think we should do our stretches first!"
(Harry and Ron bend their bodies into a series of tantric-like maneuvers)
Snail #1: *Whispering* "MY DEAR GOD! Look what those boys are doing now!*
Snail #2: *Gagging* "That image will forever haunt me in my dreams. Common! Only 100 more yards to the forest!"
********************************************************
Thanks for reading! More to come soon!
RANDOM HALLWAY
Harry: "Have you seen or heard anything from Hermione lately, mate?"
Ron: "She should be out of the hospital wing soon. She was found stuffed into a jar of fungus food and developed a nasty case of ear lobe mushrooms"
(Ron stifles a laugh)
Harry: "Wow, for someone who hates us so much, Milfoil sure did us right by taking care of that wench for a change!"
Ron: "I wonder how he made himself look like her anyway."
Harry: I 'spect it wouldn't be too difficult, she was quite masculine with her large shoulders and bushy eyebrows"
Ron: "Right you are my friend, right you are. Wait! What's this?"
(Harry and Ron come upon a large amount of water in the hallway, seemingly from the girls' lavatory)
Harry: "OY, Ron! I think it's going to KILL! Err, um, never mind mate."
(Our stars decide they must go into the girl's lavatory and investigate)
(A really FOWL smell greets them from the jammed toilets)
Ron: "OH GAWWWWWD"
(Ron and Harry step over many large chunks of dark material they find floating on the floor.)
Darla: *Crying* "OHHHHHHHHH COMMON!" *grunts*"
(They find Darla sitting on a toilet gripping her knees with a ghostly red face, standing guard beside, her faithful ghost goat)
(Ron has something stuck on his foot and accidentally kicks it against Harry's robe)
Harry: "Err, excuse me, but why are you sitting on that toilet crying? And Ron, did you just flick some turds on me?"
Ron: "Yea, sorry mate. Is there anyway I can make it up to you?"
(Ron looks hopefully from Harry's eyes to his buttock)
Darla: "Come to throw another book through the top of my head again? *SOB, SNIFF, SOB, BLUBBER, SOB*
Goat: "RrrrBAAA-AA-AAAA-AA!"
Ron: "Err-What's wrong with your goat?"
(Ron eyes goat with malicious intent)
Darla: *Sniff, snivel* "My goat can tell when I am constipated. She is, *loud, painful MOAAAAAAN* very attuned to my bowels and knows when I am in great pain."
Harry: "Wow. Cool. So, err, where's the book?"
(Ron sees the book lying next to a feminine napkin dispenser and picks it up.)
Darla: "FINE! *grunt* NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE GHOST!"
(Ron and Harry shrug their shoulders and leave)
(Harry jumps to avoid a floating poop log.)
Harry: "OH MY SWEET LORD! It STINKS! That dumbass ghost has clogged up all the heads in there!"
(Harry looks down to see a bit of turd which Ron wiped on his robe and smears it on a wall)
Ron: "HARRRReeeeeeeeee, wasn't that message next to Mrs. Snorus written in feces?"
Harry: "CRAP! There's no writing in this book!"
Ron: "Oh well. Let's go do our stretches again!"
Harry: "Hang on. Maybe this book will tell us all the answers!"
Ron: "Why would it do that?"
Harry: "Gee I dunno, maybe because I am the STAR and I found it. DUH!"
Ron: "Fair enough"
LIBRARY
(Harry sits alone with the shit incrusted book flipping its empty pages)
Harry: "DAMN why won't something magical happen?"
(A fleck of dried poo falls onto one of the pages and magically disappears)
Harry: "EUREEKA! I'VE GOT IT!"
(Harry pulls the remaining feces off his robes and smears onto the page)
HI THERE! IM HARRY
(Disappears)
Scary writing: HI HARRY I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT THE AYER-OF-THE-AYER LAYER
(Harry looks both shocked and pissed off)
Harry smears another message-
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. CAN YOU TELL ME HOW BABIES ARE MADE?
Scary writing: NO
(Harry looks annoyed)
Scary writing: BUT I CAN SHOW YOU! LET ME TAKE YOU BACK 50 YEARS AGO!
Harry: "YES! FINALLY! RON! COME HERE!"
(Harry is sucked in to scary book to see young Hagro and some guy talking quietly)
Harry: "Hello? Can you hear me? Are YOU going to show me how babies are made?"
Hagro: "But wasn't she lactose intolerant?"
Some guy: "Indeed she was. Indeed she was. Ayers of the ayers bewayers!"
Harry: "Awe SHIT you friggin STUPID BOOK! You lied! I TOLD you I didn't care about this ayers-ayers crap!"
(Harry is then flung out of the book very hard and is propelled against a wall)
HARRY AND RONS DORM
(Harry returns from the library)
Ron: OY! What did you find out from the book?!
(Ron runs up to Harry to embrace)
Harry: "Well it sucked me in and WAS going to show me how babies were made"
Ron: "BLOODY HAYO!"
Harry: "Err Right. Hagro was there and was about to show me but then for some reason the damn book spit me out!"
Ron: "It's hopeless now we'll NEVER know"
(Rons eyes well up)
Ron: "No matter how we try, I don't think we will EVER conceive"
Columbus: "Huh?!"
Harry: "Hey lets just go ask Hagro! He can show us both now!"
HAGROS HUT
(Ron and Harry go to Hagro's nasty child-trap of a house out side the castle)
(KnOcK kNoCk!)
Hagro: "Oh, it's just YOU two again? Wha' re ye up ta now? Do ya's need 'nuther lesson on the ropes?"
(Harry and Ron arm-in-arm)
Ron: *Looks to Harry* "Err, No. I think we've still got it all down"
Harry: "Hagro, can we ask you a question that has been bothering us?"
Hagro: "Well sure! Seein' tha' were all friends even though the author of this story hasn't really shown! How can I help?"
Harry: "Well okay you see I found this book and it tried telling me of the ayers-of-ayers and how babies are made"
(Ron notices big jug of fresh milk)
Hagro: Ayers of Ayers?!
(Ron chugs the milk)
Harry: Yes but I didn't care about that-
Hagro: "Now what you gotta understand abou' THAT is-"
(Big knock on door)
(Dumbledore is carried in on a larger wizards back)
Hagro: "Well hello Professor Dumbledore! What happened to your scooter deluxe?"
(Dumbledore slowly slips off of the larger wizards back, struggles then falls to the floor with a hard thud)
*CraCk!*
Dumbledore: "Aee! My hip! My hip!" *cough cough*
(Ron and Harry start laughing)
Hagro: "Professor! Are you all righ'?! Common I'll take you to the hospital wing!"
(Flings Dumbledore over his shoulder)
*CrAcK SnAp!*
Harry: "But HAAAAGRO you were gonna tell us-!"
Hagro: "If you want to find out some err stuff just FOLLOW the snails! Yep tha' will lead ya righ'!"
(Harry and Ron follow outside)
Ron: BLOODY HAYO!
Harry: What will we do now? *rubbing his buttock*
Ron: "LOOK!"
(Two man-sized slugs are creeping slowly away from Hagros into the forest)
Harry: "Hey! There are some snails! You heard Hagro! Let's go!"
Snail #1: *talking low* Oh my god. Shit! Dude go faster I think those kids are going to try and follow us!
Harry: "Common! We've GOT to find out how babies are made!"
(Ron grabs his stomach)
Ron: Uuuuuhh! Oh my stomach! Hold on Harry I think that milk isn't setting well!"
(Harry waits as Ron goes over to near tree and squats down)
Harry: Common Ron! If we are going to ride them we need to catch them before they get AWAY!
(Snails have moved 6 inches)
Snail #2: *Whispering* "Oh shit did you hear that?! They want to ride us! Hurry!"
Ron: "Oh my GOD! Its like it won't stop coming out!!"
(Harry looks at Ron's reddening face in disgust)
Ron: "BLOODY HAYO OOOOOHHHH! THAT STINGS!!"
Harry: "Just pinch it off mate!"
Ron: "ooOOOooOOOoHHH!! The PAIN!
(10 minutes and 5 huge maple leaves later)
Ron: "All right lets go!"
Harry: "Wait! Riding snails can be strenuous! I think we should do our stretches first!"
(Harry and Ron bend their bodies into a series of tantric-like maneuvers)
Snail #1: *Whispering* "MY DEAR GOD! Look what those boys are doing now!*
Snail #2: *Gagging* "That image will forever haunt me in my dreams. Common! Only 100 more yards to the forest!"
********************************************************
Thanks for reading! More to come soon!