BACK IN THE CASTLE

Milfoil: Ba! I am bored! Where ARE those two nancies?"

(Crap and Boyle, Milfoil's faithful side kicks walk in)

Together: "HERE WE ARE!

Milfoil: "Shut up you dimwits! That's right! YOU two are dimwitted fools. Potter and Weasley are nancies." *Mumbles under breath* "Dumbasses!"

(Crap and Boyle sit on the floor, flex their muscles and snivel at Milfoil)

Milfoil: "Oh come off it! HOW are we supposed to be voted 'most likely to be DEATH BEATERS' in the yearbook if you two idiots blubber all the friggin time!"

Milfoil: "Hold the pay phone!"

(Milfoil looks out window, notices fluffy cloud in the shape of a unicorn, smiles)

(Crap and Boyle get up to answer phone)

Milfoil: "NO! Get off your fat awses and get ova here"

(The two struggle quite worm-like trying to get up from the floor, give up, then 5 minutes later crawl over on their knees to window)

(Milfoil looks at them, shakes head)

Milfoil: "Tell me what you see out yonder"

Crap: "I see my boogies on the screen"

(Milfoil kicks him in the nuts)

(Boyle laughs)

Boyle: "Hark! Oh you must mean those abnormally large snails that Harry and Ron are mounting in their search of the ayas-of-ayas laya. And one of them is lactating"

(Milfoil suddenly looks back outside)

(Turns and kicks Boyle in the nuts for noticing first)

(Crap and Boyle writhing on floor in pain)

Milfoil: "Which one is it? Ron or Harry?"

(Boil: "I MEANT THE SNAIL! OwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

(Milfoil frolics to the door, grabs his brand new really, really expensive mink hand-warmer bun thingy that his mum just sent to him)

(Checks reflection in mirror from many angles with his new muff-does series of difficult poses)

(We return three hours later, Milfoil has changed outfit 16 times)

Milfoil: "Dang! I look GOOD"

(Glances over noticing Crap and Boyle sitting attentively, apparently watching him the whole time eating popcorn)

Milfoil: "What are YOU TWO lookin' at?"

Crap: "Jus' noticed that you look like a young Gina Davis, tha's all."

Milfoil: "Shut up Crap! Did either of you happen to notice what direction those snails went off to?"

(Boil nods head 'no')

(Crap sticks pop corn in his ear for extra flavoring)

(??? Don't ask)

(Somewhere in the forest a tree falls, but no one is there to hear it)

Columbus screams: "Who's cutting down the Gawd Dam trees during my scene?!?"

Meanwhile, outside at the edge of the Dark Forest.

(Five hours after the boys first spotted the huge snails)

Ron: "Looks like snow, ya know?"

(Harry looks up at a blue sky, then at Ron darkly)

Harry: "Er, wow, Ron! The sky is BLUE! I didn't know it could snow with a blue sky!"

Ron: "Nooooooooooo Harreeeeeeeeeeee! Look at all of the white stuff on the ground! What IS it?"

Harry: "Don' know mate. Oh my sweet merlin! DUCK!"

(A large mass of white fuzz is coming right at them from the east)

(A flock of ducks enters the scene. Many shots are fired. Somewhere there is a soft "thud" followed by the faint sound of a dog barking and children crying)

(Suddenly Ron grabs his crotch as he discovers two hard crusts have formed over his youthfull testicles)

Ron: What the!? HARRY! Check out my jubblies!

(Ron plays a diddy on his new hard nuts)

Harry: "Wow Ron! I wish you had shared some of that snail's milk with me mate! Then we could form a cool band!"

Ron gags: " HARRREEEEEEEEEEE! That was SNAIL'S MILK I DRANK AT HAGROS? GRRROSSSSSSSSSS!!"

Harry: "By the looks of that gaggage and those tendrils you shat back at that tree, PLUS, the fact that your snail is leakin' a white GOO.."

Ron: "Don't forget THESE mate!"

(Ron grabs his crotch again as Harry takes a mental picture for posterity)

(Ron struts around thrusting his bulging, mishappen crotch at frightened small wood's creatures, while keeping his own off-beat melody on his nuts)

Harry: "Cool mate! You have MUSICAL NUTS. HA HA HA "

Ron singing: "Yes, they are hard and protect me from harm! I like these shells! Heh! Do you think these (points to nuts covered with hard shells) make me look OLDER?"

(Harry, is already tired of his friend's bragging, turns and donkey punches Ron square in the crotch *CRuNCh!!* and hurts his wrist)

(Unbeknownst to Harry, Ron's nut shells had a weakness)

(Ron's nutshells shatter and sever his nut cords)

(Harry quickly grows tired of the high shrieks and takes out his wand)

Harry: "TesteCordConnectToYourNutsO!"

(Ron grabs his new, improved sack of balls and takes inventory. Happily stands, pelvis thrusting toward the trees again)

Ron: "Take THAT! And THAT!"

Harry: "Er, Ron. If you can focus please. This is KIND of important!"

Ron: "Oh, sorry. It's just that when my nuts were hard, I felt so powerful and sexy."

HOURS LATER, IN THE MAN SNAIL'S LAIR

(Harry and Ron get off their snails to find themselves surrounded by hundreds of dancing shelled slugs)

(Harry breaks into screaming river dance once more)

SCARY VOICE: "WHO GOOOOES THERE? Hagro did you bring me more small children?"

Harry: "We are friends of Hagros.er- he told us you could tell us-"

(A snail the size of a house comes out of the shadows)

Sacry snail: "AYERS OF AYERS BEWAYERS!! MooooWaaaaa!"

(Snail twitches his head around in circles and foams at mouth)

Harry: "WHAT?! You mean to tell me we straddled snails all the way here, Ron had his balls chopped, AND I missed a yoga class??? JUST for THAT?!

(Harry kicks a small snail hard and it hits a wall and shatters)

Scary snail: "She was lactose intolerant but couldn't resist suckling off of one of my daughters ample mam's needless to say. She got constipated and died"

(Harry and Ron look at one another in sudden surprise and comprehension)

Ron: You thinking what I'm thinking old chap?

Harry: Right you are indeed

(The two of them find a near by snail, then sweet talk her so that they would be allowed to suckle as well)

**************************************************************** Find out what happens next soon!