A/N I hope SOMEONE is reading all this mayhem! I'm sorry for stepping WAY
over the line with my "humor". I think its pretty funny stuff!
NOW on with the 'stepping over the line! (
THE SNAIL LAYER
Scary Snail: "Well, I've told you all I can. It was not Hagros fault. He did not give her snail's milk. It was really Snake's milk from a MONSTER that forced her to drink it, then, he forced her to suckle from his 15,000 year old mother's moldy mams. She had NO choice! It KILLED her"
Harry: *Wiping the snail's gooey secretions from his mouth* "A monster?"
(Ron looks up to see Harry performing a dreamy river dance he had never seen before)
Harry singing: "Oh NO! It's a monster coming to take my book! I quiver and slime! Once more, all the time!"
(Harry waves hands around in the air in little floaty, swishy movements)
Scary Snail: "MY GOD you are ANNOYING! What the HELL are you DOING?!"
(Harry jumps in circles and floats across the layer smiling to the heavens)
(Ron looks to his left)
Ron: "Harry! Look there! We must DO something quick! Here they come!"
(Sweet faced Snails look up from the leaves they are nibbling)
Harry: "Great galloping uteraie! I THINK THEY ARE GOING TO KILL!"
(Harry and Ron both whip out their wands)
Scary Snail: "What? No they-
Harry: "SnailioSayGoodbyeRoso!"
(The two boy's fire spells all over the layer blowing the small snails apart)
Ron: "There are too many of them! QUICK HARRY! Use your new nut shells! Like this!"
(Ron runs to nearby snail, thrusts his pelvis forward and crushes it with his swollen crotch)
2 HOURS AND 18 NEW NUTSACKS LATER
(Harry and Ron come out of the forest)
Ron: "That was all pointless! My Twig and berries will never be the same shape again! WHAT did we learn in there?"
Harry: "I dunno. BUT IT ROCKED. I never FELT more powerful! I'm starving. Let's go eat."
BACK IN THE GREAT HALL OF FOOD
(Nearly Dickless Nick is regaling all of those within earshot of his brush with near amputation)
(All plates are overflowing with half eaten morsels and samples of the evenings offerings)
Hermione: "So TELL me again, Ron, about that white glue ring around you mouth."
Ron: "Well, it is really quite simple. I don't know why you can't understand, we just accidentally ate the wrong type of leaves. Now, Drink up Hermione, we didn't cart that delicious cows milk back for nothing you know"
Hermione: "It's just so gooey"
(Hermione chugs the glass of snail milk)
Harry: "The best part of all, I mean other than the TASTE, was the fact that we finally know that Hagro is innocent. The Ayers-of-the-Ayers is really just bullshit."
(Hermione looks up with an ungodly large, and half eaten sausage hanging out her mouth)
Hermione: "No it isn't. Da Ayers of ayers is da home to huge snake that's stiffifying people and cats."
Harry: "Well, that is scary, but not as scary as the image of your huge mouth wolfing down that sausage like a hungry Hungarian prostitute."
(Ron squirms in chair uncomfortably, eyeing Hermione)
Hermione: "Oh THIS sausage?"
(She looks as seductive as she can over at Ron, and runs her sausage covered tongue over her huge gapped horse teeth, then grabs her boney flat chest)
(Ron suddenly looks nauseous)
Ron: "That's bloody nasty Hermione! You look like one of those village people Harry and I met last year!"
(Harry kicks Ron in the shins)
Ron: "Er- I mean you look like a friggin snake trying to swallow a goat!"
(Hermione looks hurt)
Harry: "WAIT A MINUTE! Snakes, snakes stiffifying people, goats, DARLA has a goat!"
Ron: "Oh yeah that's right! That foul livestock which can detect the contents of her poop shoot?"
(Ron takes a huge bite of pudding)
Harry: "Right you are mate I'll bet if we go and ask her we can find out LOADS of stuff!"
Hermione: "Hey Ron, before you go, would you like a massage?"
Ron: "OH HAYOL NO!"
(Hermione's head is drawn to the new kids down the table)
Hermione: "First years! This way please, follow me!"
(Hermione proceeds to lead the terrified little bodies down to Hagros hut, as is she has become his new assistant to help show them 'the ropes')
THE SNAIL LAYER
Scary Snail: "Well, I've told you all I can. It was not Hagros fault. He did not give her snail's milk. It was really Snake's milk from a MONSTER that forced her to drink it, then, he forced her to suckle from his 15,000 year old mother's moldy mams. She had NO choice! It KILLED her"
Harry: *Wiping the snail's gooey secretions from his mouth* "A monster?"
(Ron looks up to see Harry performing a dreamy river dance he had never seen before)
Harry singing: "Oh NO! It's a monster coming to take my book! I quiver and slime! Once more, all the time!"
(Harry waves hands around in the air in little floaty, swishy movements)
Scary Snail: "MY GOD you are ANNOYING! What the HELL are you DOING?!"
(Harry jumps in circles and floats across the layer smiling to the heavens)
(Ron looks to his left)
Ron: "Harry! Look there! We must DO something quick! Here they come!"
(Sweet faced Snails look up from the leaves they are nibbling)
Harry: "Great galloping uteraie! I THINK THEY ARE GOING TO KILL!"
(Harry and Ron both whip out their wands)
Scary Snail: "What? No they-
Harry: "SnailioSayGoodbyeRoso!"
(The two boy's fire spells all over the layer blowing the small snails apart)
Ron: "There are too many of them! QUICK HARRY! Use your new nut shells! Like this!"
(Ron runs to nearby snail, thrusts his pelvis forward and crushes it with his swollen crotch)
2 HOURS AND 18 NEW NUTSACKS LATER
(Harry and Ron come out of the forest)
Ron: "That was all pointless! My Twig and berries will never be the same shape again! WHAT did we learn in there?"
Harry: "I dunno. BUT IT ROCKED. I never FELT more powerful! I'm starving. Let's go eat."
BACK IN THE GREAT HALL OF FOOD
(Nearly Dickless Nick is regaling all of those within earshot of his brush with near amputation)
(All plates are overflowing with half eaten morsels and samples of the evenings offerings)
Hermione: "So TELL me again, Ron, about that white glue ring around you mouth."
Ron: "Well, it is really quite simple. I don't know why you can't understand, we just accidentally ate the wrong type of leaves. Now, Drink up Hermione, we didn't cart that delicious cows milk back for nothing you know"
Hermione: "It's just so gooey"
(Hermione chugs the glass of snail milk)
Harry: "The best part of all, I mean other than the TASTE, was the fact that we finally know that Hagro is innocent. The Ayers-of-the-Ayers is really just bullshit."
(Hermione looks up with an ungodly large, and half eaten sausage hanging out her mouth)
Hermione: "No it isn't. Da Ayers of ayers is da home to huge snake that's stiffifying people and cats."
Harry: "Well, that is scary, but not as scary as the image of your huge mouth wolfing down that sausage like a hungry Hungarian prostitute."
(Ron squirms in chair uncomfortably, eyeing Hermione)
Hermione: "Oh THIS sausage?"
(She looks as seductive as she can over at Ron, and runs her sausage covered tongue over her huge gapped horse teeth, then grabs her boney flat chest)
(Ron suddenly looks nauseous)
Ron: "That's bloody nasty Hermione! You look like one of those village people Harry and I met last year!"
(Harry kicks Ron in the shins)
Ron: "Er- I mean you look like a friggin snake trying to swallow a goat!"
(Hermione looks hurt)
Harry: "WAIT A MINUTE! Snakes, snakes stiffifying people, goats, DARLA has a goat!"
Ron: "Oh yeah that's right! That foul livestock which can detect the contents of her poop shoot?"
(Ron takes a huge bite of pudding)
Harry: "Right you are mate I'll bet if we go and ask her we can find out LOADS of stuff!"
Hermione: "Hey Ron, before you go, would you like a massage?"
Ron: "OH HAYOL NO!"
(Hermione's head is drawn to the new kids down the table)
Hermione: "First years! This way please, follow me!"
(Hermione proceeds to lead the terrified little bodies down to Hagros hut, as is she has become his new assistant to help show them 'the ropes')