Thanks to pinkchristmas for your review! I wrote an extra-long chapter just
for you!
UP TO NO GOOD
(Harry and Ron go to the 2nd floor corridor to investigate what the teachers are all crying about)
Ron: Tell me again WHY are we skipping our pedicures?
Harry: SHOOSH! We must be very quiet and stealthy like James Bond!
Ron: Who-?
(Harry sings his own theme song and needlessly walks sideways as he flattens his back against a wall)
Harry singing: Bum bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum bum bum! Na na NAAAAAA, na na NAAAAAA na na!
(Ron admires how limber and fit Harry looks as he bends his body around corners)
(They creep around corner to find teachers)
Prof. McGorilla: As you can see the Aya of Aya has left another disgusting message!
Prof Snappy: Is that? Ohmigod! EwWwWWWw gross! That's poop it's written in, isn't it?!
(Snappy throws his hip out in an exaggerated manner then daintily pinches his nose)
Prof. Stout: WHO CARES WHAT IT'S WRITTEN IN! LOOK WHAT IT SAYS YOU FRUITY FOOL!
(Snappy looks both shocked and hurt, his eyes start welling as his chin quivers)
Snappy: *reads* 'their lips *sniff* will suck my mother's chunky, engorged mams in the laya forever'. WHAT?!
McGorilla: Oh where the HELL is Old man Dumbledore?!
Dumbledore: *Over the PA system* HELP! I've fallen! I can't get up!
McGorilla: Oh SHIT sounds like old crone Dumbledore broke something again!
Prof Stout: Mayonnaise, who is it the Aya has taken?
McGorilla: *Laughing* Hermione Granger
(The group all shares a look and begin to go back to their regular schedules)
Snappy: Is that ALL?
McGorilla: No, Gina Weasley is also missing. No loss there either if you ask me! TWITS!
Snappy: Oh that's HORRIBLE! They are just little tiny cutsie-wootsie girls!!
McGorilla: *Having a sudden thought* I'll be damned. This will get back to Mr.Weasley if we don't do anything. Well, that means we have to go get those stupid bitches. Now then, who's going?
(The entire group avoids eye contact with one another)
Prof. McGorilla: Well, I suppose we could all act as though we just didn't see the message that way we would not be held responsible?
Sprout: Here here!
McGorilla: Good! It's settled! Snappy, please get rid of all that dung, it is starting to reek.
Harry: Did you hear that one old chum? They are just leaving those chicks down there! Including your sister!
Ron: *whispering* Oh bloody hayo! My mum's gonna need shock therapy again after this one! Maybe we can barrow Colin's camera to take some funny pictures of her for our "special book of people in shock therapy".
Harry: Great idea on the book, mate! Er- But since when were we making a book about people in shock therapy?
(Ron looks around dazed and confused)
Harry: Never mind. Anyway HEY! WE could go down there and get your sister! THEN we would not only be heroes but your mom might buy you the new RectalStick150 to replace your buttpick100! Then not only will you fly faster, but we will always know your temperature as well mate!
Ron: Bloody HAYOL! I can see it now. Just the wind blowing through my hair, the clear blue sky, and my rectal stick! *singing* MYYYY RECTALSTICK150 AND MEEEEE!
(Ron begins flying around the room with his hands between his legs imitating that of a boy on a broomstick)
(McGorilla spots him as he races out in front of everyone)
McGorilla: WEASLEY! What in MERLINS name are YOU doing here?! And good GAWD boy! WHAT are you DOING?!
(Ron looks up at the teachers then down at his hands)
Ron: Umm- practicing and, er, stretching?
(Prof Snappy is crying hysterically as he wipes his robes up and down the wall trying to rid it of the mounds upon mounds of festering poo)
Harry: Er- Why is Snappy ruining the message? Is that nail polish he's wearing?
Sappy: *Perks up* OHH! Do you like it!? It's called Tinkerbelle!! I got it on SALE!
(Ron walks up and takes Snappy's hand to admire his polishing technique)
Prof. McGorilla: Hey! Children! Yeah you little boys! Its time for you to LEAVE!!
Harry: HEY! IM THE FRIGGIN MAIN CHARACTER!
(Harry looks up, down and all around in a dramatic fashion)
McGorilla: *bored* WHAT are you looking for?
Harry: I am just trying to figure out exactly how I fit into this story.
(Harry points to his scar)
Harry: *To Ron* Perhaps a secret huddle mate?
Ron: Yes a huddle!
Harry: None of YOU old, smelly, bags of brittle bones listen! This is super top SECRET!
(Ron and Harry stand back to back, each bend over and grab their ankles so that their faces are close)
(The two of them look perfectly still to the untrained eye, but in reality they are gently rocking side to side)
(Everyone watches in awe and mild disgust)
Harry: How's it going?
Ron: Fine, I'm kind of bloated though. Why are we in a secret huddle again?
Harry: Fiddlesticks! I forgot already! Oh well, just don't let the living dead we call teachers catch on.
Prof. McGorilla: We CAN HEAR YOU!
(Harry suddenly stands upright with a twisted expression upon his disfigured face)
Harry: Don't forget who you are working for, Old Woman!
(Just then Prof McGorilla whips out her wrinkled wand and throws her "crusty" hex on Harry turning him into a piece of moldy bread)
(Ron runs to the bread, sobbing, and cradles it in his thin, toneless arms, lovingly fingering the lightening shaped mark along the top)
Ron: Harrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Speak to me!
(Ron is squashed as Harry changes back into himself)
Prof McGorilla: Let that be a lesson you little princess! Next time I'll change you into a full loaf and give it to the kitchens!
Dumbledore: *Over the loud speaker* AAAAEEEEEEE! Could someone *cough cough* Please come and get my saggy ass off this gawd damn floor??!
DUMPY DARLAS BATHROOM
Goat: MOOOOOO!
Ron: Moo? What the hayol?
Goat: BLAALLA Laa ALla lallallaaa!
Ron: That's better
Harry: Where's that blimey ghost girl at?
(Ron and Harry round a stall apparently interrupting her dinner time)
Harry: YUUUUUCK! WHAT are you DOING!?
(Darla looks up from down on the ground with a huge goat nipple lodged in her gaping mouth)
Darla: Can't you see I'm kind of BUSY here!?
Goat: MmmMMmaaAAaA!
Ron: I think I am going to be sick!
(Harry rubs Ron's stomach)
Ron: Thanks!
(They continue to the giant toilet to give Darla and her goat some privacy)
Ron: Hey mate! That reminds me! I thought I might bring this just incase we needed it!
(Ron whips out a large barrel of snail milk)
Ron: You know! It's for our big jubblies!
Harry: SWEEEEEET! But Ron, how were you able to get it? I thought we gave the last of our goo to Hermione!?
(A loud crash is heard as someone enters the bathroom)
Harry: Professor Lookhard!? WHAT are YOU doing here?!
Lookhard: Aye it is me. My Harry, quiddish sure has done wonders on your body-er I mean perceptions
Ron: You tripped over that thing inside your robes as you came in and smacked your head on the ground. Of course we would hear you.
Lookhard: Riiiiiiight. Anyway, what's this I hear of you stealing my Snails milk idea?
Ron: YOUR snail's milk idea?
Lookhard: That's right MY SNAILS MILK IDEA! You certainly didn't think I changed my name to LOOKHARD for no reason did you?!
Harry: But professor, you don't need snail's milk. Look at all those wonderful things you did in your books.
Lookhard: Books?
Ron: Yes. You wrote books. The author is just a moron and didn't make that a very clear point.
Lookhard: Well, whatever. You know I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banchee by SMILING at her!
Harry: YOU'RE A FONEY! YOU USED YOUR SNAIL BALLS!
(Lookhard darts his eyes between Harry and Ron and then chugs a bottle of gooey goodness)
(He wipes his mouth then stands with his hips forward preparing to attack them with his swollen mid-section)
Lookhard: Yes and unfortunately I will have to do the same to you!
(Harry and Ron saw this coming and chugged some snail milk of their own)
Harry: *Pelvis outward* DON'T *thrust* EVEN *thrust* THINK *thrust* ABOUT IT!!
(They take Lookhard captive and force him to come along as they begin their journey to the Aya of Ayas.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More to come soon!
UP TO NO GOOD
(Harry and Ron go to the 2nd floor corridor to investigate what the teachers are all crying about)
Ron: Tell me again WHY are we skipping our pedicures?
Harry: SHOOSH! We must be very quiet and stealthy like James Bond!
Ron: Who-?
(Harry sings his own theme song and needlessly walks sideways as he flattens his back against a wall)
Harry singing: Bum bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum bum bum! Na na NAAAAAA, na na NAAAAAA na na!
(Ron admires how limber and fit Harry looks as he bends his body around corners)
(They creep around corner to find teachers)
Prof. McGorilla: As you can see the Aya of Aya has left another disgusting message!
Prof Snappy: Is that? Ohmigod! EwWwWWWw gross! That's poop it's written in, isn't it?!
(Snappy throws his hip out in an exaggerated manner then daintily pinches his nose)
Prof. Stout: WHO CARES WHAT IT'S WRITTEN IN! LOOK WHAT IT SAYS YOU FRUITY FOOL!
(Snappy looks both shocked and hurt, his eyes start welling as his chin quivers)
Snappy: *reads* 'their lips *sniff* will suck my mother's chunky, engorged mams in the laya forever'. WHAT?!
McGorilla: Oh where the HELL is Old man Dumbledore?!
Dumbledore: *Over the PA system* HELP! I've fallen! I can't get up!
McGorilla: Oh SHIT sounds like old crone Dumbledore broke something again!
Prof Stout: Mayonnaise, who is it the Aya has taken?
McGorilla: *Laughing* Hermione Granger
(The group all shares a look and begin to go back to their regular schedules)
Snappy: Is that ALL?
McGorilla: No, Gina Weasley is also missing. No loss there either if you ask me! TWITS!
Snappy: Oh that's HORRIBLE! They are just little tiny cutsie-wootsie girls!!
McGorilla: *Having a sudden thought* I'll be damned. This will get back to Mr.Weasley if we don't do anything. Well, that means we have to go get those stupid bitches. Now then, who's going?
(The entire group avoids eye contact with one another)
Prof. McGorilla: Well, I suppose we could all act as though we just didn't see the message that way we would not be held responsible?
Sprout: Here here!
McGorilla: Good! It's settled! Snappy, please get rid of all that dung, it is starting to reek.
Harry: Did you hear that one old chum? They are just leaving those chicks down there! Including your sister!
Ron: *whispering* Oh bloody hayo! My mum's gonna need shock therapy again after this one! Maybe we can barrow Colin's camera to take some funny pictures of her for our "special book of people in shock therapy".
Harry: Great idea on the book, mate! Er- But since when were we making a book about people in shock therapy?
(Ron looks around dazed and confused)
Harry: Never mind. Anyway HEY! WE could go down there and get your sister! THEN we would not only be heroes but your mom might buy you the new RectalStick150 to replace your buttpick100! Then not only will you fly faster, but we will always know your temperature as well mate!
Ron: Bloody HAYOL! I can see it now. Just the wind blowing through my hair, the clear blue sky, and my rectal stick! *singing* MYYYY RECTALSTICK150 AND MEEEEE!
(Ron begins flying around the room with his hands between his legs imitating that of a boy on a broomstick)
(McGorilla spots him as he races out in front of everyone)
McGorilla: WEASLEY! What in MERLINS name are YOU doing here?! And good GAWD boy! WHAT are you DOING?!
(Ron looks up at the teachers then down at his hands)
Ron: Umm- practicing and, er, stretching?
(Prof Snappy is crying hysterically as he wipes his robes up and down the wall trying to rid it of the mounds upon mounds of festering poo)
Harry: Er- Why is Snappy ruining the message? Is that nail polish he's wearing?
Sappy: *Perks up* OHH! Do you like it!? It's called Tinkerbelle!! I got it on SALE!
(Ron walks up and takes Snappy's hand to admire his polishing technique)
Prof. McGorilla: Hey! Children! Yeah you little boys! Its time for you to LEAVE!!
Harry: HEY! IM THE FRIGGIN MAIN CHARACTER!
(Harry looks up, down and all around in a dramatic fashion)
McGorilla: *bored* WHAT are you looking for?
Harry: I am just trying to figure out exactly how I fit into this story.
(Harry points to his scar)
Harry: *To Ron* Perhaps a secret huddle mate?
Ron: Yes a huddle!
Harry: None of YOU old, smelly, bags of brittle bones listen! This is super top SECRET!
(Ron and Harry stand back to back, each bend over and grab their ankles so that their faces are close)
(The two of them look perfectly still to the untrained eye, but in reality they are gently rocking side to side)
(Everyone watches in awe and mild disgust)
Harry: How's it going?
Ron: Fine, I'm kind of bloated though. Why are we in a secret huddle again?
Harry: Fiddlesticks! I forgot already! Oh well, just don't let the living dead we call teachers catch on.
Prof. McGorilla: We CAN HEAR YOU!
(Harry suddenly stands upright with a twisted expression upon his disfigured face)
Harry: Don't forget who you are working for, Old Woman!
(Just then Prof McGorilla whips out her wrinkled wand and throws her "crusty" hex on Harry turning him into a piece of moldy bread)
(Ron runs to the bread, sobbing, and cradles it in his thin, toneless arms, lovingly fingering the lightening shaped mark along the top)
Ron: Harrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Speak to me!
(Ron is squashed as Harry changes back into himself)
Prof McGorilla: Let that be a lesson you little princess! Next time I'll change you into a full loaf and give it to the kitchens!
Dumbledore: *Over the loud speaker* AAAAEEEEEEE! Could someone *cough cough* Please come and get my saggy ass off this gawd damn floor??!
DUMPY DARLAS BATHROOM
Goat: MOOOOOO!
Ron: Moo? What the hayol?
Goat: BLAALLA Laa ALla lallallaaa!
Ron: That's better
Harry: Where's that blimey ghost girl at?
(Ron and Harry round a stall apparently interrupting her dinner time)
Harry: YUUUUUCK! WHAT are you DOING!?
(Darla looks up from down on the ground with a huge goat nipple lodged in her gaping mouth)
Darla: Can't you see I'm kind of BUSY here!?
Goat: MmmMMmaaAAaA!
Ron: I think I am going to be sick!
(Harry rubs Ron's stomach)
Ron: Thanks!
(They continue to the giant toilet to give Darla and her goat some privacy)
Ron: Hey mate! That reminds me! I thought I might bring this just incase we needed it!
(Ron whips out a large barrel of snail milk)
Ron: You know! It's for our big jubblies!
Harry: SWEEEEEET! But Ron, how were you able to get it? I thought we gave the last of our goo to Hermione!?
(A loud crash is heard as someone enters the bathroom)
Harry: Professor Lookhard!? WHAT are YOU doing here?!
Lookhard: Aye it is me. My Harry, quiddish sure has done wonders on your body-er I mean perceptions
Ron: You tripped over that thing inside your robes as you came in and smacked your head on the ground. Of course we would hear you.
Lookhard: Riiiiiiight. Anyway, what's this I hear of you stealing my Snails milk idea?
Ron: YOUR snail's milk idea?
Lookhard: That's right MY SNAILS MILK IDEA! You certainly didn't think I changed my name to LOOKHARD for no reason did you?!
Harry: But professor, you don't need snail's milk. Look at all those wonderful things you did in your books.
Lookhard: Books?
Ron: Yes. You wrote books. The author is just a moron and didn't make that a very clear point.
Lookhard: Well, whatever. You know I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banchee by SMILING at her!
Harry: YOU'RE A FONEY! YOU USED YOUR SNAIL BALLS!
(Lookhard darts his eyes between Harry and Ron and then chugs a bottle of gooey goodness)
(He wipes his mouth then stands with his hips forward preparing to attack them with his swollen mid-section)
Lookhard: Yes and unfortunately I will have to do the same to you!
(Harry and Ron saw this coming and chugged some snail milk of their own)
Harry: *Pelvis outward* DON'T *thrust* EVEN *thrust* THINK *thrust* ABOUT IT!!
(They take Lookhard captive and force him to come along as they begin their journey to the Aya of Ayas.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More to come soon!