A/N Some of you may have wondered by now if I am not 21 but indeed 12 or
13. I suppose you shall not ever REALLY KNOW! BWAHAHAHA!
JOURNEY CONTINUED
(We pick this story back up as Harry, Ron and Prof Lookhard gathers around the giant toilet)
LookHard: Well! You two prima donnas sure got the better of me back there! I mean REALLY.
(Lookhard points to his snail shells)
LookHard: *Speaking forlornly* Four balls against 2! I never even stood a bloody chance!
(Ron puffs out proudly, pointing his groin the huge giant's toilet, while continuing to try and look threatening with his crust-covered jubblies)
Harry: IN!
Voices: Where did they go? - There's no WAY those two girly boys are going to save anything! - SHH! I think they are in HERE!
(Loud yelling comes from the bathroom's lobby as many students are throwing up at the sight of Darla suckling her goat)
PUKE, RETCH, GAG, SPIT, SPEW, GURGLE, AKKKKK, WHEEEZE, GULP, BAAAAAAAAAAAAA,
Darla: SLURP!!!!!!!!!!
(Harry and Ron are spotted at the giant's toilet)
Milfoil: LOOK! There they are!!
(Harry and Ron innocently look back as they are caught trying to heave Prof. Lookhard into the toilet)
LookHard: HEH! Stop SHOVING!!!!!
(LookHard is shoved forward and falls into the huge bowl, grabbing the large paper roll for support)
Ron: HOLY GHOST SHIT HARRY! I had no IDEA he used so much paper! WHO WOULDA THOUGHT!??
Harry: Ron, he isn't going to USE the paper! He is trying to stop up the TOILET!!! I THINK IT'S GOING TO KILLLLLLLL!
Everyone: Huh?
(Many unknown students are shoved from behind and fall into the bowl after Prof. LookHard)
(Ron looks to Harry. Harry looks to Ron. They decide it looks like fun in the water and jump in on top, then begin giggling and splashing one another)
Goat: BlAaaaaLALaaaAA!
Darla: Huh? Whats that girl? Someone's in trouble you say?!
Goat: MeEEeERRrreaaaaaAAsaaaA!
(Darla flies to the huge handle and jumps up and down on it)
Darla: WEEEEEEEEEE! Haven't had THIS much fun since Hagro ate too much fruit!
(Ron and Harry's swollen jubblies turn them onto their backs as they rise to float above the waterline of the bowl. Things happen very quickly now)
Harry: Hold my hand Ronnnnnnnnnn!
(Thunderous swirling water pulls the contents of the bowl down to the watery depths of the school, Ron and Harry going down last)
Contents of Bowl: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE? ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Mighty flushing sound continues as the bowl is emptied)
(Darla is laughing maniacally as the water level rises back to normal in the massive toilet bowl)
(Goat falls in on purpose. Darla wipes milk from her mouth and jumps from the large handle. Her cannon ball throws water on all in the lavatory.)
(Silence follows as Darla and her ghost goat paddle around in the water)
(Those left in attendance stare in mock dismay, giggling profusely)
McGorilla: We must notify the ole man that the entrance to the Laya has, indeed, been found. Mr. Filth, get this place cleaned up! Gather up all of this "debris" for testing. We shall see if there is any nutritional value to them for tomorrows feast. Oh, did I say that out loud? The media is going to be ALL OVER THIS ONE.
Prof Filth: (while going to get his cleaning supplies) Oh there's gonna be TROUBLE. OH YEEEEEEEES!
IN THE AYA
(The crowds of people are shot out of piping that is completely coated in piss and bile)
Milfoil: What the? Where are we?
Crap: Looks like some sort of wonderland!
(Crap begins frolicking around, stomping in the puddles of unknown sewage)
Harry: WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?!
Milfoil: That's what I was about to ask YOU! We just came along for the cast party at the end of this fiasco. So, tell us pretty boy, how IS this thing gonna end? I can't wait to get out of this character!
Ron: WHAT? A PARTY?!
Boyle: Yes, you see, this story should be ending soon, and hence, it is traditional that a 'cast party' is thrown.
Scary snake voice: Ssssssssweet little girlsssssssss yesssssssssss ssssssssssssip up!
(The entire group all stand ridged with fear)
Harry: Oh I knew this would happen.
(Harry pulls a large manrake out of his pocket and crushes it into pieces with his snail sack)
(Ron takes a moment to rub his backside)
Harry: Here! Ron! Rub this on everyone! It will help them get soft again!
(Ron, giddy with his new task, skips from person to person and smears manrake juice all over their bodies, seemingly spending more time on the males in the group)
Harry: I THINK ITS GOING TO KILL! Hurry Ron! Stop enjoying that so much! (Harry is get PIST off now)
(Floor begins to move in a rhythmic fashion, up and down, up and down)
(A large hole bursts open as Hermione and Gina's snarling heads pop out)
Hermione Head: SSSIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLYYYYYY BOYSSSSSSSSSSSS! You are NO MATCH for the Laya! We will lay each of you in turn!
(Face twists into series of impossible pantomimes to horrible to describe here)
(Ron is mesmerized by the idea of finally getting laid by anything, even if it's just a large ugly head)
(Ron is in a daze and is drawn to the hideous head)
Harry: RON! SNAP OUT OF IT MATE! USE THE FORCE!
(Harry charges over, pelvic thrusted out, smashes the Hermione Head Thing in the nose with his massively swollen jubblies)
Harry: RON! DO WHAT I DO! NOW!
Hermione Head: OHHHHHHHH THAT IS SOOOOOOO NOT FAYA!
Ron: Thanks Harry! I will ram my big swollen crotch into the other side of this monster's horrendously ugly face! TAKE THAT!! AND THAT!
(Harry turns to other huge head of Gina Weasley and crushes his gallon-size crusty nut sack into an eyeball, popping it in one tremendous thrust)
Ron: AWESOME MATE!! I regret that I cannot DO my own sister-looking Gina Head. Alas, you must take care of that one! UGH!
(Milfoil and the rest of the on-lookers watch in pure awe and jealousy)
Milfoil: Damn, I wish they could have shared some of that slug milk with ME
Boil: Actually it was SNAILS milk they drank. The components and nutrients cause a hard crust to-
(Having heard enough, Milfoil kicks Boyle in the nuts)
Boil: HA! I have broken your foot on my own steel cup!
Milfoil: CURSES UPON YOU ALL! (takes out wand to throw hexes on everyone, but the pain in his foot causes him to miss his mark)
(Ron sees Milfoil's actions. Runs and smashes Milfoil in the side of his head, mussing up his perfect hairstyle)
(Milfoil is protected by his own steel plate in his head)
(Ron has crushed his own nut shell and cries out in pain)
Harry: Ron! Turn towards me now and I will mend your jubblies! *ZAP* (Ron is filled with satisfaction as his hard nut shell is replaced)
Ron: Harrrreeeeeeeeee! LOOK!
(An extremely large snail head appears in place of the Hermione and Gina heads)
Ron: BLOODY HAYO HARREEEE! We must be INSIDE of a gol dog HUGE snail shell! LOOK at the walls!
Everyone: What--?
Harry: Right you are mate! But HOW do we break through it?
Ron: Why couldn't I have THAT power instead of the gift of removing pads!! Maybe I can still use my pad charm Harry!
Harry: Good idea mate! GOOD LUCK! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN DO IT ALLL NIGHT LONG!
Ron: Thanks Harry! Your faith means the WORLD to me! Love ya dude! *thumbs up*
(Ron thinks quickly, strain showing on his pubescent face)
THEN-
Ron: ASSPADBEGON! BEGONASSWIPE! ACCIOPADONTHEASS! BEGONEPAININTHEASSNAILSHELL!
(Snail shell disappears)
(All present cheer Ron's ingenuity)
ALL: YA RON! YOU ARE OUR KING! LONG LIVE THE KING OF ASSPAD AND SNAIL SHELL SPELLS!! YA YA YA RON SAVES THE DAY! (singing starts)
(A loud clapping sound fills the area as it is filled with bright lights and confetti)
Loud Speaker voice: CONGRATULATIONS RON! We who have been watching and reading this story all along applaud you!
(Clapping sound increases)
(Ron and Harry embrace. Crap and Boil embrace, and then kick Milfoil in the nuts in turn)
Alf: Well it's about gawd dam TIME! Let the party begin!
Scary Snake voice: Haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa! FOOLSSSSSSSSSS! They think it issssssss over!
Ron: Harry! We aren't heroes yet! We still have to get my sistah and Hermione!
Harry: Well we can't bloody do it with all THESE morons!
(Ron and Harry share a moment)
Ron: Right you are mate! *Points wand in circle around the group* GETBACKINSNAILSHELLIO!
(The entire group is encased in yet another snail shell excluding Ron and Harry)
(Harry looks up in sudden shock and anger)
Harry: Excuse me Ron? Can I ask you a question?
Ron: Sure mate! Anathing!
Harry: Right. Tell me, WHAT is the name of this story?
(Ron looks confused)
Harry: That's right ME. THE STAR! It' not called Ron friggin Weasley and the wardrobe of dresses!
(Ron looks hurt, sags his shoulders and then with a quick spell, encases himself in a lone small snail shell)
Harry: *looking happy* Right then!
(Harry takes his path and marches forward singing to himself)
Harry: Who's the man!? That's right! It's HAAAARRY!
(Comes upon a huge snake turd)
Harry: What IN GODS HOLY name is THIS?!
Harry's inner voice: it must be 60 feet long! OR MORE!
Harry: *retching* OhhhhHHhHHhh! The smell!
(Harry continues past the train-sized chunk of poo)
(Finds huge room containing a huge wall in the shape of a wizards back, legs, and rear end as well as the bodies of both Hermione and Gina, both with white rings around their mouths)
Harry: Oh dear GOD! They are unconscious! *Muffles a laugh*
(Kicks their stiff sides to see if they wake up)
(Harry takes a moment to imagine the many possibilities open to him now that Ron is safely out of site)
Harry: Hey! Hey you girls! Are you awake?!
(Harry nearly pisses his pants with excitement then begins drawing crude and inappropriate pictures all over their faces)
(Suddenly Harry looks up to see a terrifying image of a silly-faced creature scurrying in the shadows)
High pitched voice: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: YOU!! Er- A Book?
Evil Book: You FOOL! I am THE DIARY! AND I am going to KILLLLLLLLL YOU!! BWAHAHAHA!
(Harry cowers)
(The high pitched voice steps out of the shadows to show indeed a book, a pink with gold trim book)
Harry: Hahaha! You're all PINK! You're a SISSY GIRLS DIARY!
Evil Book: WHY YOU LITTLE! SNAKE GET THE BOY!
(Harry's attention is drawn over to the wall as the legs of the sculpture spread and open at the rear)
Harry: EWWWWWW!
(A large golden snake struggles to come out of the gaping whole)
Harry: What the hell is wrong with it?
Evil Book: Despite all the people we have forced to nurse off of her-
Harry: It was YOU! YOURE the reason everyone's all stiff!
Evil Book: HA! My plan has worked though hasn't it!
(The screeching of a large bird is heard as a phoenix flies in with some sort of contraption in her claws)
Harry: YAY! It's Falks! She will pick me up and save me! I will be flown away to safety!
(Falks instead just drops the heavy contraption onto Harry's head)
Evil Book: MwooHaaaahahahaha!
Harry: A hat? The sorting hat!? This is it?! What the HELL is THIS?!
(Harry pulls out some sort of machine he has never seen before with tubes attached all over it)
Harry: What's THIS thing, I wonder?
(Snake takes this time to rise up. Snake begins chasing Harry around as he fumbles with the many hoses on the odd contraption)
Evil book: Go snakie snake GO!
(Snake struggles to slither, due to her 'snake boobs' dragging on the floor)
Harry: Hey I am looking right at the snake. Why aren't I stiffening?
Evil book: You FOOL! That was the original story!
Harry: Oh right. *Gestures over to the snakes large mam's* The MILK makes em stiff huh?
(With that, the snake leans over to her side and squirts chunky yellow milk out of one of her jugs toward Harry)
Harry: EY CORRUMBA!
(Harry jumps nearly being saturated in snake goo)
Harry: I must RUN!
(Harry hesitates then after much thought decides to run)
Evil book: what the?
(Harry quite uncoordinated stumbles around the laya swinging his arms from side to side as he attempts to flee)
Harry: Why THE BLOODY HELL can't I run?!
(Harry then looks back to see that something has attached its many hoses to his rear end)
Harry: NOOOOOOOOO!!
(Realizing it is only the machine from the hat Harry pulls the hoses off of himself giggling as they tickle his skin with their sucking powers)
Harry: HEY! I know what this is!
(Thinking quickly, Harry chugs some snails milk and charges the snake and thrusts his snail shelled man-sack, delivering a powerful blow to the snakes head)
WhAm!!
(Snake unconscious, Harry throws the many hoses to the snakes many engorged leaking teats)
Harry: HA! It's an industrial sized BREAST PUMP! HA! NO MORE STIFFENING PEOPLE FOR YOU!
Evil Book: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Snake pump: PuMp! pUmP! PuMP! PuMp! GuRgLe! GurGLe!!
Snake: ~Sigh~ Ahhhhh, that's nice!
(Suddenly the Book flies at Harry)
Evil Book: NOOOOO!
(PooF! The book explodes)
Harry: YEAH! THE STAR CONQUERS ONCE MORE!
IN THE GREAT HALL OF FOOD
Nearly Dickless Nick: Hello Hermione!
Hermione: Hi
(Hermione is seen with a huge bandage wrapping her head)
Neville: Hey Harry and Ron, be that not your bitch??
(Harry and Ron both look up smiling)
Ron: Wow Harry, I guess that 'Hermione head' I smashed with my twig and berries really WAS her!
(Hermione gallops up to the table where Ron and Harry await)
Hermione: Hey Ron lets fall in love!
Ron: Er- Lets not
(Dumbledore is wheeled in on his hospital bed gagging)
Dumbledore: Another year has come and gone. Way to go. Good night everyone!
THE END
xmudx: "THANK GOD!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well that's it for now! Hmmm. There are four other books to do as well. HEY! Feel free to review and give your opinion on what book you would like to see done next! Thanks for reading! God bless ~ xmudx a.k.a. Katie
JOURNEY CONTINUED
(We pick this story back up as Harry, Ron and Prof Lookhard gathers around the giant toilet)
LookHard: Well! You two prima donnas sure got the better of me back there! I mean REALLY.
(Lookhard points to his snail shells)
LookHard: *Speaking forlornly* Four balls against 2! I never even stood a bloody chance!
(Ron puffs out proudly, pointing his groin the huge giant's toilet, while continuing to try and look threatening with his crust-covered jubblies)
Harry: IN!
Voices: Where did they go? - There's no WAY those two girly boys are going to save anything! - SHH! I think they are in HERE!
(Loud yelling comes from the bathroom's lobby as many students are throwing up at the sight of Darla suckling her goat)
PUKE, RETCH, GAG, SPIT, SPEW, GURGLE, AKKKKK, WHEEEZE, GULP, BAAAAAAAAAAAAA,
Darla: SLURP!!!!!!!!!!
(Harry and Ron are spotted at the giant's toilet)
Milfoil: LOOK! There they are!!
(Harry and Ron innocently look back as they are caught trying to heave Prof. Lookhard into the toilet)
LookHard: HEH! Stop SHOVING!!!!!
(LookHard is shoved forward and falls into the huge bowl, grabbing the large paper roll for support)
Ron: HOLY GHOST SHIT HARRY! I had no IDEA he used so much paper! WHO WOULDA THOUGHT!??
Harry: Ron, he isn't going to USE the paper! He is trying to stop up the TOILET!!! I THINK IT'S GOING TO KILLLLLLLL!
Everyone: Huh?
(Many unknown students are shoved from behind and fall into the bowl after Prof. LookHard)
(Ron looks to Harry. Harry looks to Ron. They decide it looks like fun in the water and jump in on top, then begin giggling and splashing one another)
Goat: BlAaaaaLALaaaAA!
Darla: Huh? Whats that girl? Someone's in trouble you say?!
Goat: MeEEeERRrreaaaaaAAsaaaA!
(Darla flies to the huge handle and jumps up and down on it)
Darla: WEEEEEEEEEE! Haven't had THIS much fun since Hagro ate too much fruit!
(Ron and Harry's swollen jubblies turn them onto their backs as they rise to float above the waterline of the bowl. Things happen very quickly now)
Harry: Hold my hand Ronnnnnnnnnn!
(Thunderous swirling water pulls the contents of the bowl down to the watery depths of the school, Ron and Harry going down last)
Contents of Bowl: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE? ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Mighty flushing sound continues as the bowl is emptied)
(Darla is laughing maniacally as the water level rises back to normal in the massive toilet bowl)
(Goat falls in on purpose. Darla wipes milk from her mouth and jumps from the large handle. Her cannon ball throws water on all in the lavatory.)
(Silence follows as Darla and her ghost goat paddle around in the water)
(Those left in attendance stare in mock dismay, giggling profusely)
McGorilla: We must notify the ole man that the entrance to the Laya has, indeed, been found. Mr. Filth, get this place cleaned up! Gather up all of this "debris" for testing. We shall see if there is any nutritional value to them for tomorrows feast. Oh, did I say that out loud? The media is going to be ALL OVER THIS ONE.
Prof Filth: (while going to get his cleaning supplies) Oh there's gonna be TROUBLE. OH YEEEEEEEES!
IN THE AYA
(The crowds of people are shot out of piping that is completely coated in piss and bile)
Milfoil: What the? Where are we?
Crap: Looks like some sort of wonderland!
(Crap begins frolicking around, stomping in the puddles of unknown sewage)
Harry: WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?!
Milfoil: That's what I was about to ask YOU! We just came along for the cast party at the end of this fiasco. So, tell us pretty boy, how IS this thing gonna end? I can't wait to get out of this character!
Ron: WHAT? A PARTY?!
Boyle: Yes, you see, this story should be ending soon, and hence, it is traditional that a 'cast party' is thrown.
Scary snake voice: Ssssssssweet little girlsssssssss yesssssssssss ssssssssssssip up!
(The entire group all stand ridged with fear)
Harry: Oh I knew this would happen.
(Harry pulls a large manrake out of his pocket and crushes it into pieces with his snail sack)
(Ron takes a moment to rub his backside)
Harry: Here! Ron! Rub this on everyone! It will help them get soft again!
(Ron, giddy with his new task, skips from person to person and smears manrake juice all over their bodies, seemingly spending more time on the males in the group)
Harry: I THINK ITS GOING TO KILL! Hurry Ron! Stop enjoying that so much! (Harry is get PIST off now)
(Floor begins to move in a rhythmic fashion, up and down, up and down)
(A large hole bursts open as Hermione and Gina's snarling heads pop out)
Hermione Head: SSSIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLYYYYYY BOYSSSSSSSSSSSS! You are NO MATCH for the Laya! We will lay each of you in turn!
(Face twists into series of impossible pantomimes to horrible to describe here)
(Ron is mesmerized by the idea of finally getting laid by anything, even if it's just a large ugly head)
(Ron is in a daze and is drawn to the hideous head)
Harry: RON! SNAP OUT OF IT MATE! USE THE FORCE!
(Harry charges over, pelvic thrusted out, smashes the Hermione Head Thing in the nose with his massively swollen jubblies)
Harry: RON! DO WHAT I DO! NOW!
Hermione Head: OHHHHHHHH THAT IS SOOOOOOO NOT FAYA!
Ron: Thanks Harry! I will ram my big swollen crotch into the other side of this monster's horrendously ugly face! TAKE THAT!! AND THAT!
(Harry turns to other huge head of Gina Weasley and crushes his gallon-size crusty nut sack into an eyeball, popping it in one tremendous thrust)
Ron: AWESOME MATE!! I regret that I cannot DO my own sister-looking Gina Head. Alas, you must take care of that one! UGH!
(Milfoil and the rest of the on-lookers watch in pure awe and jealousy)
Milfoil: Damn, I wish they could have shared some of that slug milk with ME
Boil: Actually it was SNAILS milk they drank. The components and nutrients cause a hard crust to-
(Having heard enough, Milfoil kicks Boyle in the nuts)
Boil: HA! I have broken your foot on my own steel cup!
Milfoil: CURSES UPON YOU ALL! (takes out wand to throw hexes on everyone, but the pain in his foot causes him to miss his mark)
(Ron sees Milfoil's actions. Runs and smashes Milfoil in the side of his head, mussing up his perfect hairstyle)
(Milfoil is protected by his own steel plate in his head)
(Ron has crushed his own nut shell and cries out in pain)
Harry: Ron! Turn towards me now and I will mend your jubblies! *ZAP* (Ron is filled with satisfaction as his hard nut shell is replaced)
Ron: Harrrreeeeeeeeee! LOOK!
(An extremely large snail head appears in place of the Hermione and Gina heads)
Ron: BLOODY HAYO HARREEEE! We must be INSIDE of a gol dog HUGE snail shell! LOOK at the walls!
Everyone: What--?
Harry: Right you are mate! But HOW do we break through it?
Ron: Why couldn't I have THAT power instead of the gift of removing pads!! Maybe I can still use my pad charm Harry!
Harry: Good idea mate! GOOD LUCK! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN DO IT ALLL NIGHT LONG!
Ron: Thanks Harry! Your faith means the WORLD to me! Love ya dude! *thumbs up*
(Ron thinks quickly, strain showing on his pubescent face)
THEN-
Ron: ASSPADBEGON! BEGONASSWIPE! ACCIOPADONTHEASS! BEGONEPAININTHEASSNAILSHELL!
(Snail shell disappears)
(All present cheer Ron's ingenuity)
ALL: YA RON! YOU ARE OUR KING! LONG LIVE THE KING OF ASSPAD AND SNAIL SHELL SPELLS!! YA YA YA RON SAVES THE DAY! (singing starts)
(A loud clapping sound fills the area as it is filled with bright lights and confetti)
Loud Speaker voice: CONGRATULATIONS RON! We who have been watching and reading this story all along applaud you!
(Clapping sound increases)
(Ron and Harry embrace. Crap and Boil embrace, and then kick Milfoil in the nuts in turn)
Alf: Well it's about gawd dam TIME! Let the party begin!
Scary Snake voice: Haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa! FOOLSSSSSSSSSS! They think it issssssss over!
Ron: Harry! We aren't heroes yet! We still have to get my sistah and Hermione!
Harry: Well we can't bloody do it with all THESE morons!
(Ron and Harry share a moment)
Ron: Right you are mate! *Points wand in circle around the group* GETBACKINSNAILSHELLIO!
(The entire group is encased in yet another snail shell excluding Ron and Harry)
(Harry looks up in sudden shock and anger)
Harry: Excuse me Ron? Can I ask you a question?
Ron: Sure mate! Anathing!
Harry: Right. Tell me, WHAT is the name of this story?
(Ron looks confused)
Harry: That's right ME. THE STAR! It' not called Ron friggin Weasley and the wardrobe of dresses!
(Ron looks hurt, sags his shoulders and then with a quick spell, encases himself in a lone small snail shell)
Harry: *looking happy* Right then!
(Harry takes his path and marches forward singing to himself)
Harry: Who's the man!? That's right! It's HAAAARRY!
(Comes upon a huge snake turd)
Harry: What IN GODS HOLY name is THIS?!
Harry's inner voice: it must be 60 feet long! OR MORE!
Harry: *retching* OhhhhHHhHHhh! The smell!
(Harry continues past the train-sized chunk of poo)
(Finds huge room containing a huge wall in the shape of a wizards back, legs, and rear end as well as the bodies of both Hermione and Gina, both with white rings around their mouths)
Harry: Oh dear GOD! They are unconscious! *Muffles a laugh*
(Kicks their stiff sides to see if they wake up)
(Harry takes a moment to imagine the many possibilities open to him now that Ron is safely out of site)
Harry: Hey! Hey you girls! Are you awake?!
(Harry nearly pisses his pants with excitement then begins drawing crude and inappropriate pictures all over their faces)
(Suddenly Harry looks up to see a terrifying image of a silly-faced creature scurrying in the shadows)
High pitched voice: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: YOU!! Er- A Book?
Evil Book: You FOOL! I am THE DIARY! AND I am going to KILLLLLLLLL YOU!! BWAHAHAHA!
(Harry cowers)
(The high pitched voice steps out of the shadows to show indeed a book, a pink with gold trim book)
Harry: Hahaha! You're all PINK! You're a SISSY GIRLS DIARY!
Evil Book: WHY YOU LITTLE! SNAKE GET THE BOY!
(Harry's attention is drawn over to the wall as the legs of the sculpture spread and open at the rear)
Harry: EWWWWWW!
(A large golden snake struggles to come out of the gaping whole)
Harry: What the hell is wrong with it?
Evil Book: Despite all the people we have forced to nurse off of her-
Harry: It was YOU! YOURE the reason everyone's all stiff!
Evil Book: HA! My plan has worked though hasn't it!
(The screeching of a large bird is heard as a phoenix flies in with some sort of contraption in her claws)
Harry: YAY! It's Falks! She will pick me up and save me! I will be flown away to safety!
(Falks instead just drops the heavy contraption onto Harry's head)
Evil Book: MwooHaaaahahahaha!
Harry: A hat? The sorting hat!? This is it?! What the HELL is THIS?!
(Harry pulls out some sort of machine he has never seen before with tubes attached all over it)
Harry: What's THIS thing, I wonder?
(Snake takes this time to rise up. Snake begins chasing Harry around as he fumbles with the many hoses on the odd contraption)
Evil book: Go snakie snake GO!
(Snake struggles to slither, due to her 'snake boobs' dragging on the floor)
Harry: Hey I am looking right at the snake. Why aren't I stiffening?
Evil book: You FOOL! That was the original story!
Harry: Oh right. *Gestures over to the snakes large mam's* The MILK makes em stiff huh?
(With that, the snake leans over to her side and squirts chunky yellow milk out of one of her jugs toward Harry)
Harry: EY CORRUMBA!
(Harry jumps nearly being saturated in snake goo)
Harry: I must RUN!
(Harry hesitates then after much thought decides to run)
Evil book: what the?
(Harry quite uncoordinated stumbles around the laya swinging his arms from side to side as he attempts to flee)
Harry: Why THE BLOODY HELL can't I run?!
(Harry then looks back to see that something has attached its many hoses to his rear end)
Harry: NOOOOOOOOO!!
(Realizing it is only the machine from the hat Harry pulls the hoses off of himself giggling as they tickle his skin with their sucking powers)
Harry: HEY! I know what this is!
(Thinking quickly, Harry chugs some snails milk and charges the snake and thrusts his snail shelled man-sack, delivering a powerful blow to the snakes head)
WhAm!!
(Snake unconscious, Harry throws the many hoses to the snakes many engorged leaking teats)
Harry: HA! It's an industrial sized BREAST PUMP! HA! NO MORE STIFFENING PEOPLE FOR YOU!
Evil Book: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Snake pump: PuMp! pUmP! PuMP! PuMp! GuRgLe! GurGLe!!
Snake: ~Sigh~ Ahhhhh, that's nice!
(Suddenly the Book flies at Harry)
Evil Book: NOOOOO!
(PooF! The book explodes)
Harry: YEAH! THE STAR CONQUERS ONCE MORE!
IN THE GREAT HALL OF FOOD
Nearly Dickless Nick: Hello Hermione!
Hermione: Hi
(Hermione is seen with a huge bandage wrapping her head)
Neville: Hey Harry and Ron, be that not your bitch??
(Harry and Ron both look up smiling)
Ron: Wow Harry, I guess that 'Hermione head' I smashed with my twig and berries really WAS her!
(Hermione gallops up to the table where Ron and Harry await)
Hermione: Hey Ron lets fall in love!
Ron: Er- Lets not
(Dumbledore is wheeled in on his hospital bed gagging)
Dumbledore: Another year has come and gone. Way to go. Good night everyone!
THE END
xmudx: "THANK GOD!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well that's it for now! Hmmm. There are four other books to do as well. HEY! Feel free to review and give your opinion on what book you would like to see done next! Thanks for reading! God bless ~ xmudx a.k.a. Katie