Things Change
Chapter Thirteen

"Buffy," Giles started, following her as she retrieved weapons and magical equipment she had accumulated over the years and piled it on the couch. "Slow down."

"I don't have time to slow down, Giles," she sighed, grabbing an axe, frowning at it before returning it to the chest and removing a larger one.

"We should formulate a plan - "

"I have a plan," Buffy told him shortly.

"Oh, what is it? An attack at the weakest points or - "

"A full on attack where the main objective is getting Spike out."

"Buffy, that's ridiculous and highly dangerous. Why on earth would you do something like this?"

"Because this is Spike," she stopped moving and looked at him.

"Exactly," he pointed out. "This is Spike. Why would you do something this dangerous for Spike?"

"Because he loves me," she said quietly, bowing her head.

"That's hardly reason for you to put your life in danger and your friends' lives in danger."

"I love him," Buffy said, lifting her head and looking Giles in the eye. "I love him, Giles. Is that a good enough reason?"

"I - well uh…"

"And you know what?" Buffy asked, tears pooling in her eyes. "I never told him. I said I loved the old Spike, I never said I loved him. He got a soul for me, Giles, a soul," Giles stared at her, his mouth gaping at this revelation.

"How?"

"He went through something… He wanted to get it to be good enough," she suddenly realised she didn't know. Something so big and so important and she didn't know the details. All she cared to know was that he got a soul and got it for her. "If it's…" she gulped. "If Glory's got him, she'll hurt him, then she'll kill him. I have to save him. I have to save him so I can tell him I love him and I have to save him so I can say sorry."

"Sorry?" Giles questioned, then felt the light touch on his arm. Glancing down, he saw Willow, smiling gently at him. He felt a rush of relief. He had never understood the Buffy-Spike relationship and he had known there were aspects he had not been told about. He nodded at Willow and beat a hasty retreat back to the kitchen where the others sat, awaiting instructions.

"You ok, Buffy?" Willow asked, pressing her friend into a chair and sitting on the floor in front of her.

"No, Will," Buffy shook her head. "I'm not."

"Wanna talk about it? Giles isn't here, so you can talk about… y'know, the stuff you didn't tell him."

"I want to say sorry," Buffy sniffed.

"For what?"

"For being so horrible. I was, y'know. Years ago when I knew he loved me and I used him - "

"I think you used each other, Buffy," Willow cut in kindly.

"No! See, he loved me, he couldn't have made me feel if he didn't. All these years I pretended it was him, it was all him. It was him that started it all; him that made it all so twisted."

"But all that doesn't matter now. It couldn't have worked then, however much you both tried, it wouldn't have worked. Now you can be together come what may. You're both so much more mature and ready for a properly committed relationship."

"It could have worked," Buffy said stubbornly. "But it wasn't Spike, Willow, it was me. I wanted to feel so badly that I didn't care about the person who could make me feel. I stopped it and… and that's when everything went so wrong. Looking back, I shouldn't have broke up with him, I should have told him we had to work things out. It could have been good, Will. God, it could have been so good."

"No, it couldn't, Buffy," Willow stated.

"Why not?"

"Because it was too soon. You had just got back, he hadn't really changed and the two of you just were too stubborn at that point. It never would have worked. Now though, you've got Chris and Todd, and they'll keep you together no matter what. You know it couldn't work then. You know why. It wasn't all your fault, Buffy. This is just guilt talking. Sure, some of what you're saying is true, but some of it isn't. When we get Spike back, Dawn and Josh can go out for a romantic evening; Anya, Xander, Giles and I can take Chris and Todd to the Bronze or something so you and Spike get some time to talk. Just talk Buffy. You need to talk about how you both feel, what you both want and go on from there. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah," Buffy said, standing up and clenching her fists. "You're right, Will. C'mon," she grabbed the sword from the couch and yelled for the others.