The Taste Of Ink
MysticShadowWanderer
Disclaimer: My hand's around your throat and I think I hate you. We made the same mistakes.
Chapter Six: The taste of ink is getting old
Finally, at nine in the morning, I drag myself off to bed, having sent Kaoru away to her own room at seven thirty. I'm still not really tired, but after a while, even I get tired of focusing on one thing for so long.
So here I am again, gazing blankly at the ceiling above my bed. It's getting really dirty, I note absently, maybe I'll clean it tomorrow. With all the staring that I do, you'd think that I would have a lot more about life figured out than I currently do. As they say, the only things that are certain are death and taxes. No wait. I don't pay any tax on the money I make for assassination. So the only thing that is certain is death. Smiling grimly at the crack above my head, I decide that I like the idea of that. I frown, though, as I actually realize that there's a crack in my ceiling; there's another thing I have to fix. Oh well, I'll leave it for tomorrow.
As I close my eyes, somehow an unbidden thought comes to me. Dimly, I think that it would be nice if Kaoru were in my room to sing me to sleep, but I'm not sure where that came from, because I most certainly do not wish that to be the truth; it makes it sound as if I'm going soft, which is definitely not something that I want to happen. Lack of sleep will do that to you, I guess, even though I've never had the problem before. Rolling over on my side with a sigh, I ignore my mind and slip off into slumber.
The first thing I smell when I wake is something burning. Frantically, I rack my brain to think of anything that I might have left running the night before that could be setting my apartment on fire before I remember that Kaoru is living with me now.
Apparently she can't cook.
I rush out into the kitchen to salvage my cookware before it catches fire. My disheveled appearance is completely forgotten as I whisk the frying pan off the stove and into the sink where it can't do any more damage. Turning around, I find Kaoru staring at me, mouth agape.
'What the...? Oh.' I'm standing in front of her wearing nothing but a pair of black silk boxers that are slung low around my hips, my long hair down around my shoulders. It's her fault really, for almost burning down the whole damn kitchen.
"Don't touch anything that can be potentially dangerous," is all I say before walking back into my room to put on clothing.
Upon returning, she hasn't moved at all, and is standing there with a sheepish expression on her face. I look at her pointedly.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to wake you up or almost burn your house down," she says, her gaze fixed on the floor. "I guess there are some things that I just shouldn't mess with."
"What exactly was that supposed to be in that pan, anyhow?" I can't help but be curious.
"Eggs."
"You have got to be shitting me." Okay, the girl can't even scramble eggs. That's just sad, really.
"Alright then, it was a fancy omelette," she quips. "Would that make it any better that I almost set your entire kitchen on fire?"
"Either way you look at it, my kitchen would have been on fire," I shrug.
She heaves a huge sigh and practically falls into a chair at the kitchen table. This really seems to be bothering her; have I found something that she's insecure about? It's nice to know that she isn't completely optimistic and self-confident. Optimism is another one of those things that annoys me.
Perhaps I'm contradicting myself with that sentiment.
'I hate people that pity themselves, absolutely cannot stand them. Those people that walk around feeling so sorry for themselves, telling themselves and everyone around them that their life is so hard, are the type that piss me off to no end. Point out something good in their existence, and they say "Oh, that's not for sure," or just find something else that's bad and ignore all the good. Those are the people that I just want to strangle with my bare hands.'
That makes it sound as though I'd rather see people that are optimistic. But that's not the way I am. All I really want is for people to understand reality, even though I know it's asking too much. I'm neither optimistic or pessimistic, as I see it, I just know the difference between a dream and what's real. I think that, for the most part, I accept a situation as it is and deal with it accordingly.
Kaoru is watching me, I realize. Did I do that whole "zoning out" thing again? It's more than likely. That happens to me a lot, mostly when I'm thinking; I can't really help it. Time to play it off; I start to fix breakfast for both of us. Wisely, the girl doesn't say anything. It's pleasing to me to find that she knows when to keep her mouth shut. People with that particular talent are much easier for me to tolerate.
She doesn't know how lucky she is, does she? Or maybe she does, it's hard to tell. For once in my life, I've found someone that isn't easy for me to read. It's both annoying and concerning, interesting and agitating at the same time. I still don't know what I was thinking when I invited her to stay here, but somehow I think it was to teach me something. I just don't know what that is yet. Everything in life happens for a reason, be it a good one or not. To live is to learn, whether you want to or not. It's the application of what is learned that most people don't understand.
I set a plate of eggs and bacon in front of Kaoru and take the seat across from her, my own plate in my hand. She thanks me in a quiet voice and starts eating slowly; there seems to be something on her mind, and I almost ask her about it, but decide otherwise. After a moment, she speaks of her own accord.
"Sometimes, I think that there was nothing that I could have done to stop Yahiko from killing those people," she almost whispers, her gaze fixed on her plate. "It's as if I knew all along that no matter what I did, something terrible was going to happen. I didn't know it would be this terrible."
I consider this for a moment. "If there was nothing you could do to stop it, why'd you try?"
Her eyes are suddenly fixed on mine, and I wonder fleetingly if I offended her. "I don't know why I did," she says after a few seconds of silence. "It all seems so pointless now."
"You should have made him take responsibility for his actions," I finally voice my opinion.
"I know that, but he's my brother," she says that as if it should explain everything. I don't understand. "You've never loved anyone, have you?"
It's none of her business; I stare at her without expression. The look she gives me in return tells me that she feels sorry for me. Am I missing out on that much by not being in love? I've never viewed it as any great thing.
"Why are you taking the blame for his murders?" I'll ask her outright.
"He's got a whole life to life; he's still a child. And if I hadn't done this, there would be a good chance that he would be killed. I don't want him to die alone."
"Kaoru," I say softly. She looks up in surprise; this is the first time I've called her by her first name. "Everything here dies alone."
And it's true. There is no other way to die but by yourself. No one is going to hold your hand as you slip away into darkness, you won't feel it. You cannot be followed into death, and so you're alone. It's not really a frightening thought to someone who's been alone for most of their life, but I suppose for other people it's a scary proposition.
Kaoru looks at me in confusion. Doesn't she understand? Maybe she's never thought about it; she has had a busy life, in accordance with all the documents and papers and files I've read about her. If I'd done all the things she has, I wouldn't have all this figured out, either.
"Explain that to me." She wants to learn?
After a brief moment of thought, I acquiesce and begin to reveal the reasoning behind my words. To her credit, she listens raptly and looks as if she understands. There may just be more to Kamiya Kaoru than I first realized. When I decided that I didn't want to teach her about the world, perhaps I was wrong. It was becoming clear to me that I quite possibly have found myself a new hobby. She's like a child in her naivety, but she's more mature than most people I've spoken with in my life. I don't like impressing my ideas on people as if there were no other theories in the world, I believe that people should make their own choices as to the nature of life, whether I agree with the ideas or not. But Kaoru studied philosophy in college, so I have a feeling that she'll be interesting to teach. I can't believe I'm going to do this.
A/N: Yeah, I don't have much to say. Actually, I don't have anything to say at all. I have to go do laundry...
I lied, I do have something to say. The lines "If there was nothing you could do to stop it, why'd you try" and "Everything here dies alone." are from the song The Crowing by Coheed & Cambria (off their Cd In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth: 3). Find the song, listen to it, appreciate it. It's brilliant. Their CDs are worth the money; you won't find lyrics that good from any artists besides some of the better jrock artists. By the way... SCHOOL'S OFFICIALLY OUT!!!! PARTY AT MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!