The Taste Of Ink
MysticShadowWanderer

Disclaimer: To others the pain was obvious, the colors of shame a bruise - unjust.

Chapter Nine: While I'm standing in the river drowning

It's awkward this morning, sitting here suffering through another bowl of cold cereal and a cup of lukewarm coffee. Does she expect me to feel guilty for being upset with her last night? Does she expect thanks? If she does, she expects far too much of me, and the stories of "the legendary Battousai" that she heard from her brother aren't very all-encompassing.

Of course she heard me listening to that music last night, there's no way that it could have slipped her notice, because I had the volume up fairly loud. That ought to be enough thanks for her. I gulp down the last of my coffee and am grabbing my jacket from the back of my chair when my cell phone rings. I answer it tersely.

"Yes. I understand. Tell Katsura-sama that it will be done." Generally, I try to keep my conversations to a minimum, and this is no exception.

Kaoru doesn't ask about the phone call, and I don't say anything about it. We both know better than to open our mouths. I mumble something about being home around twelve in the afternoon, and then leave for another fun-filled day in the hell which is called my office.

Why do I put up with all of this? It's not fucking worth it. Developing a defense for Kaoru's case is hard enough by itself, but now my secretary is being her intensely annoying self. I think there's someone here to see me, but I can't tell what she's saying in that high-pitched, brain-damaging voice of hers. Understanding nothing of what was said over the intercom, I storm out of my office.

"What. Do. You. Want?" I hiss through my clenched teeth.

"I said," she emphasizes the "said," rolling her eyes at the same time, "that the appointment with Mr. Ellis that you had scheduled for eleven-thirty has been cancelled and he won't be showing up."

"For the love of god, woman!" I shout. "Don't you think that I would have realized that when he didn't FUCKING SHOW UP?!"

"No need to yell!" Now she's yelling, too.

"The hell there isn't! You have pissed me off since the day I started working here, and I am sick and fucking tired of you! You're fired!"

Sitting back in her chair, she looks utterly stunned. I spin around and go back into my office, slamming the door so hard that the frosted glass shatters, dispersing shards across the thick carpeting.

"Goddamn it!"

I can't take any more of this. This day, or karma, or something, has been out to get me from the moment I woke up. It doesn't matter that it's nine in the morning, I'm going home before I wind up killing someone. Like myself.

"What are you doing back so early?" Kaoru looks up from her book as I slam the front door shut. At least there's no glass to break on this one.

"Shut up."

The look on her face is surprisingly not one of shock or indignation. It's more poised curiosity and calm acceptance. At the moment, I don't know if that pisses me off or pleases me, but I'm going to go with pleases, because I don't really want to break anything in my apartment.

Straight to the cabinet, the last on the left, and I'm reaching to the very back corner, where I keep a bottle of very well-aged Scotch. I'm not really a drinker, but some days enough is enough. I grab a shot glass, flop down in a chair, and start downing the stuff like it's what I was born to do. Kaoru sits quietly in the adjacent room, intent on her book, but occasionally glancing up at me, almost as if she's checking to make sure I'm alright. Half the bottle is gone before I put it away, but I don't really feel the effect all that much. A little bit lightheaded, but otherwise fine, I rage my way across the apartment and into my room, where I immediately fall onto my bed and close my eyes.

When I've been drinking, I don't dream, and it's such a lovely reprieve. Though I don't expect to fall asleep, since I usually have a difficult time of it, I think I need it. Maybe a few hours of rest will help me shake off the terrible mood I've sunken into.

"Kenshin. Wake up."

I hear her voice somewhere near my ear, but I ignore it. Whatever she wants can't be that important, anyhow.

"Kenshin," her voice is more insistent. "You've been sleeping for a day and a half." That's enough to jolt me awake.

"What?!" Impossible.

"You just sort of... passed out," Kaoru says softly. "I didn't want to wake you, because you seemed so at peace, but I figured you wouldn't want to sleep for this long."

She didn't want to wake me because I was at peace? This woman is far too nurturing. I swear she tries to take care of me as if I was her child. Somehow it doesn't bother me like I feel it should. At least she woke me up, right? With her court date in just a few days, and me without even opening statements, it's no time to be sleeping on the job. Quite literally.

Wait. Didn't I once tell her to 'never, ever wake me up again'? Goddamn it, now I'm confused. This doesn't happen to me. I always know what I've said and what I've done. I don't do things like this. I think I'm having some type of a breakdown. I sit up, rubbing my head wearily.

The clothes I'm wearing are wrinkled and reek of alcohol. Kaoru leaves the room for me to change, and is waiting for me when I come out to the kitchen. A turkey sandwich sits on a plate on the table, and I sit down to eat it without question. This case is really getting to me. All I need are the details, just to find a way out, but they won't seem to come to me like they usually do.

As I'm silently chewing, Kaoru slides a yellow legal pad across the table, facing it toward me so that I can read it. I decide not to mention that I can read upside down nearly as well as I can right side up (it's a trick of the trade, learn to read upside down quickly so that you can read papers and documents that you might not necessarily have permission to read), and quickly scan the contents of the page. After doing so, I go back and read it all the way through, setting my sandwich down as I look at the wording more closely.

"You wrote this?" I ask, glancing up at her. She nods. "This is good. Very good. Opening statements good."

A smile flashes across her face. Briefly, I wonder why she didn't become a lawyer instead of a graphic designer, besides the fact that she's making more money than I am at that job. Or, was making more money, as she no longer has a job. Usually I despise getting help on my cases, but I think I can make an exception for this. I read it through once more. Everything about it is right. It's the truth, but phrased cleverly to make it sound better, and the wording is excellent.

"This is brilliant."

Now she looks surprised, but still remembers to thank me.

"With this as a starting ground, we may be able to get you acquitted. I typically work on my own, but I think this time I'd be better off if you helped me. Let's get to work."

It hurts to swallow my pride, but I think this is what's called desperation.

A couple hours later, and together we've managed to get the vast majority of our defense planned out. I feel like an ass for not having asked her for assistance earlier on, before I started beating and drinking myself to death over all of this, but better late than never, right? For the next couple of days, we can relax. Or at least Kaoru can. I don't really know how to relax.

Suddenly I realize something crucial. I was supposed to have assassinated a man last night. Oh. Fuck. This has never happened to me before. Why haven't they called me yet? Have they? Did I miss it? Frantically, I grab my cell phone and dial Iizuka's number.

"Himura! Nice to hear from you!" He sounds pleasant enough. "You are in deep shit." So much for that.

I sigh, and agree. "What should I do?"

"I covered your ass, but if this guy isn't dead by tomorrow morning, you will be."

"Why the fuck didn't you call me and tell me that?!"

"Must have... slipped my mind." Funny. Really funny. Funny enough that I hang up on him.

"Kaoru, I'm going out for a few hours. Don't answer the door or the phone. Stay in your room until I get back." Who knows what might happen?

The man begs for mercy, offers me money, power, women, whatever I want. I stare down at him, wondering how many more times I would have to hear this speech before I die. Usually I let my victims end their appeal before I kill them, just so they can know the cold finality of rejection when I laugh in their faces, but I'm in no mood to listen to him, so I slice his head off and let the whole thing be done with.

Five minutes to exit the building and I'm on my way home again. All-in-all, the job took me an hour. It's interesting that it takes an hour to eliminate a human being. I suppose most people would think of that as an extremely short time, because it takes so long for people to grow and live and make a mark on the world. I see it as a great amount of my time to waste just to decapitate such a worthless creature. But that's a matter of perspective, I suppose. Somewhat like the glass-half-full-glass-half-empty argument.

Kaoru is still in her room when I return, spattered in blood. It's so usual to me that I call to her, telling her that I've returned, before I change my clothes, and she stops in shock when she walks out into the hall. Blood is like a decoration, a sick medallion that I wear on my body, telling of my "accomplishments." After a while, you don't notice the smell or the taste or the color. You just notice the weight.

She doesn't like me like this, I can tell. There's news for her, though. I don't care. I just want to get these clothes off and cleaned before the blood stains them. Kaoru is still standing there, staring, when I shut the door to my room.

I strip my clothes off and step into the shower, turning the water on as hot as it can possibly be. The hotter the water, the cleaner I feel. No matter that I'm scrubbing at my skin so hard that some of the blood washing away is mine. It doesn't matter anymore.

Do I feel guilty? Do I regret taking the lives? I think about it for a minute while I let the water flow over me. No. Not really. Do I miss being just another citizen? No. I never was, really. I started playing this fucked up game when I was barely more than a child. No. I don't know. Who am I?

A/N: Poor Kenshin. OO! THUNDER! :does a lil dance: I love storms. Anyhow, yes. This chapter was fun. Or something. Reference things of DOOM!:

"All I need are the details, just to find a way out" - Sugarcult, "Crying"

I know someone is going to ask this, eventually... "If you don't believe in planning for the future and being successful in life, what are you going to do?" Or some shit like that. I get that a lot, and I'm going to take this moment to rant. I'm going to do whatever pleases me. You don't have to be rich and successful to make your own fun. The gods know we need it in this world. Besides, no matter how badly I fuck things up, I'm only coming back again after I die, so it doesn't really matter. Might as well entertain myself until humanity pisses me off one too many times. You'll probably see me on the news while you're sitting in your comfortable home. I'll be the serial killer. Look for me. Hm. Thinking about what I just said, that came out more superficial than I would have liked. It's late, chalk it up to spending too much time in corporate America. I did get to eat very good sushi at a wonderful Chinese buffet, though... :random Gackt moment::goes off to listen to music that actually has a point: