Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun or anything to do with it, myah!
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This Infection...
By Mokora
A Songfic to the english translation of Onitsuka Chihiro's 'Infection'
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"I need to say something good in reply."
And then my parasites multiply.
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The stars were so large that night. It was strange. I stared up as my cheek gently rested against the chilly glass window that allowed endless moonlight to pour over me. My journal lay folded and bookmarked in my lap. My thoughts were scrambled in a mass of pure chaos as I pondered. No, as I brooded. That's more fitting.
Milly once told me that it helps you spiritually and emotionally if you write your problems and feelings down in a diary or something of the sort. So here I am. I have to admit, I feel slightly foolish. It's almost as if I want him to find this and read it and understand, finally, how I feel... But then there's the alternate in which, I think, if he actually came upon this, I'd let the ground swallow me whole and I'd never face him again. He's never seen this side of me before. The side that sheds tears and loves. All I can ever do is yell and scold him. Why do I run away?
So, after realizing what's becoming of me, I admit I feel so lost. Yes, the logical and reasonable Meryl is finally at a loss for solutions. I swear, some people I know would laugh right now, seeing me so confused. Just when I think I know exactly what to do, I see him, and I lose all power and will. Dear God, what's wrong with me? Was Milly right? Am I actually... In love with Vash the Stampede?
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The shadow cutting across my heartbeat
Peels away someone's mask again.
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I remember as a child, seeing my mother and father so happy together, kissing each other each morning and each night, with many embraces and playful romancing in between. Her words still repeat themselves today. "You'll fall in love someday, and you'll understand. You'll want more than anything to be with that person forever more, and you'll feel so confused at first, but, if the Lord wills, it will turn into the greatest feeling yet. You'll feel like you belong, and you'll want nothing more." Of course I laughed at her then, saying I'd never be so lovey-dovey with anybody, but...
It's hard to keep my senses at times, and sometimes I'm just so angry. Why does he not see?! Why can't he love me?! And then, after asking myself this, I feel so wrong... I'm so unfair to him, and it's my fault for not letting him know any of this... And then I cry. I cry because I don't understand. I cry because I feel foolish. I cry because I can't help myself anymore. I can't control my emotions. Not anymore. Never again. He's... He's like an infection. It keeps worsening with every day that passes, every sunrise and sunset, every full moon...
As my thoughts deepended, I closed my eyes and let myself rest against the window for a moment, until...
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In the night,
I sit down as if I'm dead.
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"Meryl?" Milly asked, worried. I looked over so quickly that a sharp pain shot up my neck. "Y-Yes Milly?" I asked, trying furiously to look cheery. She gave me a suspicious little pout and then sat a small cup of tea on the little table besides the recliner I sat in. I nodded a 'thank you' and picked it up, stopping suddenly. The cup was a deep red, engraved with geraniums. 'Vash...' I thought as a painful burning sensation ate away at my stomach. Realizing this, I let out a brief shout of surprise. Milly looked over. "Meryl, you're spilling your tea all over yourself!" She ran to the kitchen and rushed back with a towel. She held it out to me and I laughed wryly, dabbing it against my stomach. "I-I'm sorry, Milly..." I said quietly, smiling that empty smile I'd acquired just recently.
"Meryl..." Milly's voice was firm, yet understanding and somewhat gentle. I looked up at her. Her expression pained me. It was so sad and hollow. "Milly..." I murmured. "What's wrong, Meryl?!" She asked more firmly, practically shouting. I jumped, taken aback at the sudden raise of volume. "Milly, I-" I began, but I stopped as I heard her sniffle a bit, and noticed as she attemoted to hide her face. "You're not the same, Meryl..." She whispered, hot tears obviously streaming down her face. I sunk back in my chair, trying to ignore the painful burn on my stomach. "You act so strange lately..." She continued. "Well, if I have to watch you act so differently, then I at least deserve to know what's wrong!" She demanded, looking at me know. Pitiful, I thought. I'm so pitiful. Look at what I'd done, and to my best friend! How could I be so thoughtless?!
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My heart explodes, and I watch as the pieces flying everywhere glitter...
But when did I become this weak?
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Tears rimmed my eyes now too. I brought a hand to my face, shadowing it, away from the world for just a moment. "I..." I began, not sure how to phrase my torment. "I think I've lost it, Milly... I think I'm going insane... I don't understand anything anymore and the things I used to know confuse me, and everytime I see him, I-" I stopped, shocked. No, I hadn't just said that, had I?! Milly looked at me and smiled slightly, scooting over and wrapping her arms around me. There was no stopping it now. It was inevitable. The tears fell in cascades.
"Meryl..." She began again, her voice soft and comforting. I relaxed and cherished the brief moment of warmth. What a great friend she was... "Meryl, love is a crazy thing, y'know. My big, big, big sister used to tell me that one day, when I fall in love, it'll be so stressful..." Milly sighed, seeming to think back. "She was right. Love brings stress, worry, confusion, hurt, anger... But mostly, it brings happiness, cheer, love, and all other great things! It's even a reason to live for some! But Meryl..." She paused again. I felt as if her words were changing me, slowly. Molding me into someone that could undertsand and take on these new feelings. It was so strange. "But Meryl, in order to see all the great things love can bring, two must share it." I knew what she was getting at and I dreaded it horribly.
"Tell him, Meryl. He'll never know anything unless you come out and say it." She spoke more firmly now, stroking my hair lightly. I felt another tear fall and I sat up, forcing on a serious expression. She looked at me curiously. "Milly," I began. Then I turned to her and smiled. Strangely enough, it was involuntary and she smiled back, immediately interpreting its meaning. "Oh Meryl! I'm so proud of you!" She called and enveloped me in a large hug. Struggling to breath, I laughed a bit.
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I pretend that I didn't notice my legs have given way.
My foolish sickness just gets worse and worse.
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I never really could find the words that describe what Vash does to me. I've been thinking about it, and there's no word that fits accurately. It's just so... Well this is frustrating! Since when are there no words to express a certain emotion?! Well, I suppose I could describe it... It's wonderful and light and generally pleasant, but it makes me feel so lonely after a while... But everything seems alright when he's near. My problems? They mean nothing at that precise moment. Everything is right.
I'm starting to wonder why I even waste my time on such a fool of a man, but I guess, ever since our first meetings, I've been intrigued by him. Such a carefree person with no concerns or worries is just so different from me... I think I've always found him interesting, and, though I'd never admit it, he's quite good-looking too! Oh, what am I saying?! I can't say things like that!
Yet, everytime I see him, I feel as if I want to be with him more and more... So much, sometimes, that I start to yell at him for no reason... Lord, why am I such a fool?! How could he possibly love 'the short-tempered insurance girl' who constantly beats him?! Even if I were to tell him that I loved him, he'd probably laugh and tell me to stop joking around. Plus, there are so many women he's gone for that are millions of times prettier than me! Am I out of my league?!
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In the night,
I realize this infection...
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I stood at the door, peering out of the fogged glass window for a while, watching as the first snowflakes began to flutter down. Milly had gone to bed earlier, so I was alone. It was so peaceful, that scene, and I couldn't help but smile. Vash would be coming back soon, and so I had to prepare things for when he came. Of course, gazing out the window isn't very helpful, but I couldn't help it. I opened the door quietly and slipped outside. It was very cold, though the snow felt nice. I twirled around quickly, glancing around to spot any onlookers, and then, after deciding I was completely alone, I began to spin more. I twirled around gracefullh, suddenly feeling very beautiful. The snow seemed to encircle me and so I lifted my hands as I spun, catching flakes as they fell. I was so engrossed in the hypnotic beauty that I hadn't noticed the dark figure that stood a ways away. When I eventually stopped, I sighed and turned, humming, and then I saw him. I almost shouted from surprise and fear, but then he emerged. Vash, I thought. No! He'd been watching me!
"H-How long have you been there?" I asked, hiding my reddening face. "Not long." He answered cooly, smiling. "I didn't know you could dance like that." He exclaimed. "I wasn't dancing!" I snapped. "I was just merely enjoying the snow! What?! I can't even do that without you accusing me of such foolishness?!" I hissed, storming inside. I turned, expecting to see him following me, though he wasn't there. I peeked outside and saw him, one arm extended, catching snow. I sighed and walked out into the freezing flurry and stood beside him. There were no words for a moment as we just stood. But then I decided to be a little more welcoming. "Are you hurt anywhere?" I asked quietly. He shook his head. "That's good..." I mumbled. "Do you want me to make you something to eat?" I asked. He smiled. "That'd be real nice."
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My heart explodes, and I watch as the pieces flying everywhere glitter...
But when did I become this weak?
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I entered the house and put a large pan on a heating burner and then pulled out a stalk of celery and two carrots. As I began to cut them into small sections, he walked in and yawned. Grinning at me, he slumped down in my recliner. Then it hit me.
"Hm, what's this?" He questioned as he picked my journal up. I brought the knife down abruptly on my index finger and shrieked. He jumped up, dropping the journal and rushed over. "Whadja do that for?!" He asked, seeing the blood rising to the surface and flowing rapidly. I bit my bottom lip as he led me to the sink. He turned it on and told me to keep it under the faucet for a bit while he found some ice and bandages. It was a pretty big gash, and it hurt badly, though the thought of all of Vash's scars and wounds made the pain hurt a little less.
He returned with an ice pack and a roll of bandages. "Here." He said comfortingly, leading me to the recliner, where I purposely sat on top of my journal so that he'd forget about it. He held my hand out and began to wrap the bandaging around it slowly. After he finished, he placed the ice on it and smiled. I looked into his aquamarine eyes and about melted. I've never seen anything so beautiful. They were like precious gems, the kind that people dig for for years and never come across. "Thank you, Vash." I said seriously and blushed a little, feeling my cheeks burn, and then closed my eyes, leaning back against the recliner. I decided I might as well finish his soup. Standing and shoving the little book under the recliner, I headed over to the boiling pot and poured in a bag of pasta, stirring immediately after. Then, in went the freshly cut carrots and celery. I stirred and thought deeply about whether or not to tell him. Milly's words rang in my mind, as well as my mother's. "I..." I began. Vash looked over at me with a curious expression. "I'm glad you're back." I said matter-of-factly and stirred more viciously, my cheeks on fire. He smiled. "I'm glad to be back!" He said, laughing his goofy laugh. I shook my head, laughing quietly too. He was so strange sometimes!
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Tiny sicknesses begin to scare me...
Though I don't have any hope of winning,
I must awaken from this.
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I brought two bowls of the freshly made soup to the table. He sat down and immediately began to shovel it into his mouth. I looked at him wide-eyed. "D-Did you eat while you were gone?" I asked, worried. He grinned, noodles hanging from his mouth. "Barely!" He managed to speak as he stuffed another spoonful into his mouth. I smiled.
As I finished my soup, I took his bowl and mine to the sink. He sighed contently. "That was so good..." He exclaimed, being over-dramatic once again, flailing his arms in the air. I stood and stretched, still debating. What should I do? Surprisingly, I felt calm. My stomach was no longer in knots, and it seemed as if whatever happened, happened. I turned and smiled at him. "Are you tired?" I asked. He shook his head. "Not a bit! My whole sleep schedule is different now!" He grinned. I sighed. "I wonder why I'm not tired either..." I mumbled.
He stepped forward, clutching my wrist gently. I looked at him, wide-eyed, and he just grinned. "In the meantime, let's play in the snow!" He chimed like a little child, though I couldn't help but laugh wryly. He led me out into the snow and I watched as he began to dance around, amused. I folded my arms and he turned to me. "Care to dance?" He asked, grinning. "No way!" I snapped, but he'd already grabbed me. He held my arm out and wrapped his other arm around me and began to twirl around. "Vash! Vash, what are you doing?! Let go of me!" I shouted, until I realized we were actually dancing in the snow. I blushed crimson and looked around frantically. Vash seemed to be enjoying himself, grinning and singing random songs offtune.
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My heart explodes, and I watch as the pieces flying everywhere glitter...
But, at some point, I became this weak.
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I was tense for a moment and then relaxed, sighing, and letting myself be swept across the snowy blanket. It felt so nice, and it was so romantic. It's too bad, I thought. It's too bad he's not taking this seriously. Suddenly, lost in my thoughts, I rest my head against his chest. Realizing this, I froze. He stopped also. I didn't dare to move. Every bone in my body was completely frozen. I could feel his shocked gaze on me. As I began to pull away slowly, his arms snaked around my waist.
I felt my whole body lock up. This wasn't happening! He held me close to him, his heart beating rhythmically against my ear. I felt him rest his chin against the top of my head. I hesitated and debated what to do. I'd never been hugged like that by a man before! I was so taken aback when he'd pulled me into an embrace, that I had forgotten to hug him back. I know I must've worried him by not responding, so I decided. I slowly lifted my arms and wrapped them around his neck. He was suddenly very close, so close that I could hear him breathing. He nuzzled his face in my shoulder and began to sway a little bit. It was as if I were suddenly drunk! Everything became dizzy and began to spin. My mother's words came into my mind again, and I smiled. I loved this man. I loved him. To the point of dying for him or giving up everything just to be with him. This was real. It was true love, and I couldn't deny it anymore. I'd become so weak... But maybe it's better that way.
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My heart explodes and the pieces, pieces flying everywhere...
When did I become this weak?
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We stayed like that for the longest time. I clung to him like a child to its mother, and I didn't care. Everything was right at that moment. I didn't care who'd see, and I knew my mother would be proud that I could finally find happiness in one man. Suddenly, my mind wnet from drunk and spinning to complete peace. It was so strange and ethereal, this moment, and then I finally realized the right words to describe Vash's effect on me.
"Peace of mind..." I whispered. "Hm?" He asked. "Nothing..." I mumbled and released him, blushing furiously. Peace of mind. That's it. I've become weak because of him, but it doesn't matter. It's alright. As long as he's near.
The snow began to come down on us hard, like a miniature blizzard. I suggested going inside, though he insisted we enjoy this rare occasion. He dangled his arms loosely around my waist as we watched the ever-falling snowflakes fall, silently. He gave me a sneaky smirk and tightened his grip, pulling me up off of the ground and swinging me around, calling "Wee!" I protested viciously and wriggled. "Vash! Put me down!" I demanded, though he continued to spin me around until we both toppled over.
As we hit the cold snow, I shrieked. He laughed heartily as I regained my senses. I looked over at him and glared, though his innocent expression made me smile. He pulled me down next to him gently. "Vash! It's cold!" I whined. He thought a moment and then smiled, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me close. "Well, that's better!" I said slyly. He gave a smug huff of content.
The stars were large. Large and twinkling like over-used light bulbs. I rested against him and closed my eyes. I felt him watching me, so I opened an eye. "What?" I asked, genuinely concerned. He smiled that amazing smile of his and eyed me warmly. "Meryl, I've wanted to do this for a while now..." He admitted casually, turning his gaze to the stars. I felt my cheeks flush and I shifted a little. "Then... Why didn't you?" I asked quietly. He looked down at me curiously and obviously noticed how new all this was to me. He smiled so lovingly down at me that it caused my stomach to flutter. He pulled me up closer until our faces were only inches apart. I began to panic and fidget. My first kiss?! Maybe! I smiled awkwardl. "Wow, you're close..." I said, unaware of how stupid that comment had sounded. He laughed and leaned in closer, pressing his lips against mine. It was electrifying and I felt my heart practically leap out of my chest. He pulled back and rested his brow against mine.
And at that moment, I realized my infection.
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Well now! Whadja think? XD I had a lotta trouble writing the ending, since Meryl's never really emotional in the series towards Vash... But please review! I'd love ya to!