Disclaimer: All your base are belong to us. Uh... sorry, wrong script.

When Dudley Met Harry

Chapter 4: The Great Escape

The weeks following the discovery of Dudley's magical abilities were some of Harry's best at Privet Drive. After exchanging several letters with an incredulous Ron (who still didn't believe Dudley wasn't exactly a Muggle) and a thoroughly over-excited Hermione ("Oh, but think of all the practical applications, Harry. If we discover and replicate what Hagrid did to Dudley, it may eliminate the occurrences of Squibs altogether!"), they agreed on a date to meet in Diagon Alley. Unfortunately, Ron was still entirely mistrustful of Dudley, while all Hermione wanted to do was get her hands on Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

Outside of the letter writing, Harry's activities were very different from those of previous summers. After Uncle Vernon left for work around eight o'clock in the morning, Dudley would sneak out of his room where he was supposedly playing video games and crawl up the ladder leading into Harry's bedroom. Aunt Petunia, busy with housekeeping and gossiping, never noticed what was occurring beneath her nose. And Dudley was actually quite good company, Harry realized. At times his behaviour lapsed back into what Harry called "punching-bag mode," but for the most part, he could be quite friendly when he put forth the effort. This friendliness was expressed a few days after Mr. Weasley's unexpected visit.

Harry lay in his bed reading Advanced Guide to Transfigurations when he was interrupted by loud voices flowing through the open cat-flap.

"I can't let that freak run about the house, Dudley. He's dangerous, do you hear?" came Uncle Vernon's grunt.

"But daddy, I can't make fun of him properly when he's always locked in his room. It's actually making me very depressed," insisted Dudley. Upstairs, Harry gasped. That silly bloke is actually going to get me out of here. He creeped out of bed and tiptoed across the room, putting his ear to the opening in the cat-flap.

The sharp click of high-heels echoed across the room below, followed by Aunt Petunia's shrill, yet somehow sugary voice, "Oh, is my little Duddykins depressed? What is it you want, sweetums?"

"I want Harry to be let out of his room. I miss making him look stupid," and with that, Dudley began to sob loudly into his mother's shoulder. What a drama queen, thought Harry sardonically, rolling his eyes.

Aunt Petunia rounded on her husband, "Vernon! What have you done to our poor little Dudders? You set this right at once!" Harry sniggered evilly, imagining the look on Uncle Vernon's face as he was torn between letting a wizard run about his house freely and keeping his child nicely spoiled.

"Fine, he can join us at meals," said a very annoyed Uncle Vernon, "But only then, and only if he cleans up afterwards. I won't have that… that boy making messes and not cleaning up after himself."

From then on, Harry was allowed the luxury of eating non-water-based meals at the table. Of course, he had to endure endless insults from a very imaginative Dudley, and he often had to duck his head under the table to hide his laughter, unable to control himself any longer, but all in all, it was worth it.

Harry slumped lethargically down the stairs one morning, barely able to keep his eyes open. He had spent nearly the whole night telling an overenthusiastic Dudley about Diagon Alley. They were due to go this afternoon. Dudley had told his parents he was going to a party and he needed a man-servant, so Harry must come along. Harry often wondered just how he was related to such gullible people. As he reached the foot of the stairs, a loud, repetitive thumping noise announced Dudley's arrival. He bounced in front of Harry, shaking the heavily polished wood floor, with a silly grin on his face, his eyebrows approaching his hairline in his excitement.

"Calm down Dudley," grumped Harry sleepily, "It's way too early in the morning for this kind of cheerfulness." Dudley's face grew incredulous.

"But Harry, I'm going to get a wand today!!"

"Dudley, how many times do I have to explain it to you? Muggles don't get wands. Nor do once-Muggles as far as I know. We've waited weeks and you haven't gotten a Hogwarts letter. Face it, Dudley, you're just not magic enough."

"Don't be such a spoilsport," exclaimed Dudley, apparently not soaking in a word Harry said.

Harry sighed. He knew there was no way for Dudley to get a wand when he wasn't going to Hogwarts, but there was nothing he could say to make Dudley get that through his thick skull. Harry decided it would be simplest to give him a fake wand from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes and tell him it was supposed to turn into a rubber chicken at times.

They sat at either side of the square kitchen table while Aunt Petunia finished frying an omelet. As she was filling Dudley's plate with a generous portion of the breakfast, Uncle Vernon came out of his study with the morning paper and sat to Harry's left. Breakfast proceeded in silence for a few minutes until Dudley looked across the table and announced, "Harry, your hair looks like a crow that's been at an Alka-Seltzer."

Harry was able to control his laughter enough to look hurt at this statement (although Uncle Vernon agreeing loudly with this sentiment did help a bit). "And you know what else," Dudley continued, his upper lip twitching noticeably, "Your eyes are the color of a fresh pickled toad."

This time Harry didn't have any laughter to control. "How—how did you know that?" he squeaked. Dudley looked at him strangely, just as Uncle Vernon looked at Dudley.

"Why on earth would you ever want to pickle a toad?" Uncle Vernon asked suspiciously. Just then a click and a small flop indicated the arrival of the post.

"Let me get that," said Harry graciously, jumping out of his seat looking a bit shocked and scared. He walked through the hallway towards the small packet of letters lying undearneath the front door, barely catching Dudley stuttering, "Er, I'm not sure. Ask the pickling company."

As he wandered back slowly, he flipped idly through the mail, coming across a large parchment-letter with the Hogwarts seal in it. What shocked him the most about this letter was that instead of the name "Harry Potter" he had grown accustomed to seeing written across the front was written "Dudley Dursley."

He stopped right before the turn in the hallway that would make him visible to the kitchen. This letter could not be seen by Uncle Vernon or he'd throw a fit. Or at least a few teacups. At Harry's head. And that was not a good idea.

"Boy, what are you doing in there?" came Uncle Vernon's dull grunt. Thinking quickly, Harry tucked the letter into the waistband of his loose hand-me-down jeans. It fell through his left pant-leg onto the ground. He tucked it into the back of his underwear band, blushing and wondering how Dudley would react to knowing where it was.

He hurried quickly into the kitchen and handed the various postcards and bills to Uncle Vernon. He sat back down on his chair with a small crunch as the letter crinkled. Uncle Vernon looked at him strangely. "Are you stealing letters, boy?" he growled suspiciously.

"Uhh, no! It's just the plastic cover on this chair," Harry lied, his ears turning a bit red. "It crinkles a bit if you sit on it wrong."

He could tell Uncle Vernon wasn't buying it. "That chair has no plastic cover on it."

"Oh, so it doesn't. It should probably stop crinkling then."

"What have you got in your pants, boy," growled Uncle Vernon menacingly. Harry blushed.

"Well, not much actually, sorry to say."

Uncle Vernon, trying his hardest not to laugh, pulled Harry up and grabbed the letter from his waistband.

"Why were you stealing Dudley's mail?" he growled, passing it over to Dudley without looking at it. Harry let out the breath he had been holding and motioned for Dudley to hide it under the table.

"So, what was it?" asked Uncle Vernon after sorting through various bills.

"What was what?" asked Aunt Petunia.

"Well, Dudley's letter, of course!"

They both turned towards a pale-faced Dudley. "Uh, you—you see, it was…"

"It was from a girl!" exclaimed Harry excitedly. "That's why I tried to hide it. I wanted to see if it's a love note."

Dudley caught on. "She wrote to inform me that the party is going to be day-long so we should come early."

"Well it was nice of her to send you a note," squeaked Aunt Petunia, "Just how early do you have to go and when will you be back?"

"We should leave directly after breakfast and will be back around midnight, hopefully."

Harry was quite impressed despite himself. As they left Privet Drive, Harry lugging his trunk with him (with the Invisibility cloak wrapped around it), he was still in shock at how neatly Dudley had wrapped up matters.

As they turned into a secluded park, preparing to call the Knight Bus, Dudley smiled triumphantly at Harry.

"Told you I'd get a wand."

A/N: Again, I'd like to thank you all for all the wonderful reviews you've given me. I've uploaded two one-shots last night. Feel free to drop in a note about them; I don't think they're particularly good, but whatever... ;)

maria: Yeah, I know everyone's OOC to the extreme. It's part of my craziness. I just thought that maybe Mr. Weasley having so much stress in his household, etc, and having to lie to the Ministry to help Harry would kinda be a bit cranky. You're right though, I over-did it. Thanks for your review!!

LighningCleave: No one thought it was possible for Mr. Weasley to be even more fond of them until Dudley proved them wrong. I'm glad you enjoyed that chapter!

Mikibaby: Thanks for your review! Yeah, I don't know what was up with the Oklahoma, either. I blame it on exams. ;)

jennifer: Here it is! I hope you enjoy this chapter as much!

Legendary DigiTamer Lee: Hehe, cool name! Thanks soo much for your kind review! I hope I haven't let you down!

JamieBell: Thought it would be funny if Dudley was kindof a Mr. Weasley counterpart on the messing up of terms. ;) Thanks for all of your reviews! You're my most consistant reviewer! And the little bars are a feature of QuickEdit. It's the button located to the right of the alignment options when you preview/edit an uploaded document. Hope that helps!

Launigsiae: Thank you! Where did your name come from, btw? It sounds pretty cool.

preety-lady-serenity: ::pretending to be an expert which I am not:: Yes, indeed. That's how these magical transfers usually work out. ::smokes a pipe:: Thanks for your review! :)

BrokenAmbition: Yeah, I see what you mean about Rickman's voice. ::blushes:: I always imagined Sevviekins' voice to be like that, too for some reason... Thanks for your review!

Duke20104: Thanks for your kind comments! Yes, it does seem that Dudley is indeed going to Hogwarts... unless I throw in some crazy plot twist... which I might... cause I'm crazy... :D

dolphingirl79: Yeah, I can't write a chapter for a long period of time. I end up uploading quickly to see what you guys have to say! Thanks for your review!

JeanMarie: Thanks a lot! As for whether or not Dudley goes to Hogwarts, I guess you'll just have to hang around to find out... ;)

aihja: Thanks! I'm blushing here. Yeah, I'm trying with Dudley, but he just doesn't really want to be mean anymore. So he comes out kinda stupid and wanna-be-cool. Which I guess works...

Sorry for taking so long with the update. Finals. Unngh...