CH.II – Remenission and Realization
I ran my fingers through her hair as I lay next to her in the dark.
Her name is Morgana.
The first thing I did upon returning to Korriban was to find her, the young apprentice, I had to get her off my mind, now she was all I could think about...once again I've managed to flip the bitch on my intended goal, but for once I don't regret it.
As I lay here I almost feel...like I am capable of feeling, which in itself is a feeling I haven't felt in so long...
For once the loneliness inside me is dead or at least dormant, I'd kill to feel this way again, and if anything threatens her I'm sure I will.
I must have been watching her sleep for hours, all the while thinking, how I wish I just could go to sleep but at the same time knowing there's no way in hell I could, to much going on in my mind.
Feelings I haven't felt in so long...not since I was young, feelings of warmth, feelings of peacefulness if only for this night, feelings of...everything I've wanted to feel for so long.
Not since childhood have I felt like this, before I knew hate to the degree I know it now, before the drive for vengeance took me from everything I knew, before...before he took everything I loved...love...the only thing stronger than hate.
Could this be love I feel for Morgana now?
Has it been so long that I don't even recognize it anymore?
No, this is stupid, love is beyond me, at least it is now, this is just foolish desire talking
All I know is hate now, hate and anger, hate and anger and emptiness, its what drives me, what keeps me living....no, existing.
My master tells me to hold onto this anger from the past, use it to my advantage, and its what I've done, maybe its what has gotten me this far, the title of advanced, apprenticeship to one of the best saber fighters of my time; maybe it was fate....Shit, I don't know, right now I don't really care.
I'm alive, and at the same time, really alive, for these past years I've simply existed, but now I live as well.
I don't care what Fenox says, I don't live for him, I live for me, and right now I've managed to find a place where I'm content, more than content actually, I'm not going to ruin by letting anger at what my fath...that bastard did.
Like I said, it drives me to exist, being with her drives me to live, I like that better.
For the first time in a long time my mind has stopped plotting, stopped thinking about anything I've been ordered to do.
Thinking like this will get me killed if I keep it up for to long, but on the other hand I could die feeling like this and be happy, revenge doesn't matter anymore.
And there the case is made and proved, maybe this is why the Jedi say love is dangerous...no, I don't love her, there's just passion between us.
I can't love her, I don't love her....Do I?
I ran my fingers through her hair as I lay next to her in the dark.
Her name is Morgana.
The first thing I did upon returning to Korriban was to find her, the young apprentice, I had to get her off my mind, now she was all I could think about...once again I've managed to flip the bitch on my intended goal, but for once I don't regret it.
As I lay here I almost feel...like I am capable of feeling, which in itself is a feeling I haven't felt in so long...
For once the loneliness inside me is dead or at least dormant, I'd kill to feel this way again, and if anything threatens her I'm sure I will.
I must have been watching her sleep for hours, all the while thinking, how I wish I just could go to sleep but at the same time knowing there's no way in hell I could, to much going on in my mind.
Feelings I haven't felt in so long...not since I was young, feelings of warmth, feelings of peacefulness if only for this night, feelings of...everything I've wanted to feel for so long.
Not since childhood have I felt like this, before I knew hate to the degree I know it now, before the drive for vengeance took me from everything I knew, before...before he took everything I loved...love...the only thing stronger than hate.
Could this be love I feel for Morgana now?
Has it been so long that I don't even recognize it anymore?
No, this is stupid, love is beyond me, at least it is now, this is just foolish desire talking
All I know is hate now, hate and anger, hate and anger and emptiness, its what drives me, what keeps me living....no, existing.
My master tells me to hold onto this anger from the past, use it to my advantage, and its what I've done, maybe its what has gotten me this far, the title of advanced, apprenticeship to one of the best saber fighters of my time; maybe it was fate....Shit, I don't know, right now I don't really care.
I'm alive, and at the same time, really alive, for these past years I've simply existed, but now I live as well.
I don't care what Fenox says, I don't live for him, I live for me, and right now I've managed to find a place where I'm content, more than content actually, I'm not going to ruin by letting anger at what my fath...that bastard did.
Like I said, it drives me to exist, being with her drives me to live, I like that better.
For the first time in a long time my mind has stopped plotting, stopped thinking about anything I've been ordered to do.
Thinking like this will get me killed if I keep it up for to long, but on the other hand I could die feeling like this and be happy, revenge doesn't matter anymore.
And there the case is made and proved, maybe this is why the Jedi say love is dangerous...no, I don't love her, there's just passion between us.
I can't love her, I don't love her....Do I?