Legolas stared, captivated, out the window of the car. Dozens of other cars
were zooming past, and up ahead, large buildings loomed high as the Citadel
of Gondor. A strange box in the dashboard was playing strange music, and it
puzzled Legolas.
"What's that?"
Milo stopped thumping his hands on the steering wheel for a moment. "That?" he said, pointing at the radio. "That's a radio. It's a sort of box that receives music and plays it."
"Oh. What's this song called?"
"I'm Too Sexy."
"Sexy?"
"Appealing."
"Oh." Legolas listened for a bit, and soon started singing the parts that went, "And I do my little turn on the catwalk, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah. I shake my little tushy on the catwalk."
"Stop that, please."
"Stop what?"
"Singing."
"Alright." Legolas began to sing the part of the song that went, "And I do my little turn on the catwalk, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah. I shake my little tushy on the catwalk," despite the fact that there wasn't much of a tune to sing.
"Stop it."
"Stop what?"
"Humming."
"Oh. Sorry. Can I go 'la la la'?"
"No."
"Alright." Legolas stared interestedly out the window. "What's that?" he said, pointing out the window at some graffiti."
"Graffiti."
"What does it mean?"
"Believe me, you really don't want to know."
Legolas shrugged and continued to peer out the window. A question popped into Milo's head, and he turned to Legolas. "How'd you get here?"
"I fell out of a tree while singing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'?"
"How do you know that song?"
"Frodo taught it to me. He seemed to like it very much."
"Indeed."
"Quite."
Milo continued to beat his hands on the steering wheel in time with the music. Another thought occurred to him. "We'll have to get you modern clothes. How does Old Navy sound?"
"Old."
"Well, we're going anyway."
"If you say so."
"I do."
Because of the author's lack of knowledge of exact locations of stores in downtown St. Louis, or even of their existence, Legolas and Milo headed for an Old Navy store a mile or so off the Jefferson Barracks bridge.
Legolas stepped fearfully out onto the asphalt. After all, it could be different here. It was a Saturday, and there were a fair amount of cars on the parking lot. People gawked at Legolas as he walked towards the store, his quiver, bow, and knives still strapped to his back.
Legolas stopped dead in the store. "What is this new devilry!" he demanded.
"How many times are you going to say that?"
"As many times as I see new devilry."
"Fair enough. Come on. We're going shopping."
From a rack in the women's section, Caiti looked up at who had just entered, jabbing her bestest best friend Audra in the arm excitedly. "Audra, Audra! Look!" she hissed. "It's Orlando Bloom! I swear to God!
Audra looked up at Legolas. "Poser."
Milo dragged Legolas reluctantly through the isles of the men's section, where guys stared at him and their girlfriends drooled over him and thought things that aren't appropriate for PG-rated stories.
Milo selected a black turtleneck hurriedly and thrust in into Legolas's chest. He pulled down a pair of khakis and thrust those into his arms as well. He pulled down a dark green hoodie and threw that at him, along with several other garments, including a pair of boxers with cute doggies on them.
Pushing Legolas into the cavernous dressing room and grabbing a number from the person behind the desk, Milo found Legolas an empty dressing stall. Legolas stumbled in, slightly confused.
"First of all, why are you in such a hurry, and second of all, what am I supposed to do in here?"
"A) I just realized how weird you look, and B) you're supposed to try on clothes."
"Oh." There was a great scuffling as Legolas pulled off his bow, quiver, and knives. "Hold these," he said to Milo, holding the weapons over the top of the door. When Legolas had successfully removed all his garments (yay!), he dangled the boxers over the top of the door and said, "What are these for?"
Milo sighed heavily. He was sure he was getting very strange looks from everyone by now. God only knew what they were thinking. "You wear those."
"Where?"
"On..."
"On where?"
"You wear them like pants."
"Oh. They don't look like pants. They're very short."
"Yes, I know, but you wear them like pants anyway."
"Oh. Alright." Legolas slipped into the cute doggie boxers (ow ow!). "Are these pants as well?" Legolas threw the khakis over the door for Milo to see.
"Yes..." he groaned, rubbing his temples. He didn't realize how hard it was to explain modern things to not-modern things.
Legolas cracked the door open. "What's this?" he asked, pointing at the zipper on the pants.
"It's a zipper, for Christ's sake!" Milo shouted. Legolas looked confused. "Sorry," he apologized. "I'm having a bad day."
Legolas still looked hurt. "Is it because of me?"
Milo sighed heavily again. Well, he could already here the rumors flying back at campus. "No, no, it's not you. It's me. Just...just go back to what you were doing."
Legolas shrugged and closed the door. He came back a second later. "What do you do with a zipper?"
"You pull it."
"Oh." Legolas thought on this, and decided he didn't understand. "Pull what?"
"The little piece of metal."
"Oh." Legolas went back and started his five minute battle with the zipper, which, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your standpoint), he won. For some reason, the song "I'm Too Sexy" was stuck in his head, and as he pulled the black, ribbed turtleneck over his chiseled, fine, toned, beautiful, sexy...uh...sorry...chest, the words, "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts," kept playing themselves over and over in his head. Eventually, while trying to work out the mysteries of the turtleneck, he started to hum this, and soon began to sing, softly at first, but it soon grew so loud that everyone could hear. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts."
"I wish you would get too sexy for that song. Then we wouldn't have to put up with it."
"What do you mean?"
"Stop singing."
"Fine." Legolas had finally managed to pull the turtleneck over his head, and his golden hair fell gently about his shoulders and face, gleaming...I'm sorry. I did it again, didn't I? I'll try to stop. Anyway, he stepped out of the dressing stall so Milo could see. He spread his arms out. "Well?"
"Your pants are pulled up too high." Milo yanked them down. "That's better."
"If you say so."
"Stay there. I'll get you a bag for your other clothes."
When Legolas and Milo went to check out, Legolas wearing his new turtleneck and khakis (looking very fine, I might add) , Caiti gawked at him again. "Audra, LOOK!"
"Yes, I know. Very sexy. But Billy Boyd is hotter."
"What's that?"
Milo stopped thumping his hands on the steering wheel for a moment. "That?" he said, pointing at the radio. "That's a radio. It's a sort of box that receives music and plays it."
"Oh. What's this song called?"
"I'm Too Sexy."
"Sexy?"
"Appealing."
"Oh." Legolas listened for a bit, and soon started singing the parts that went, "And I do my little turn on the catwalk, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah. I shake my little tushy on the catwalk."
"Stop that, please."
"Stop what?"
"Singing."
"Alright." Legolas began to sing the part of the song that went, "And I do my little turn on the catwalk, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah. I shake my little tushy on the catwalk," despite the fact that there wasn't much of a tune to sing.
"Stop it."
"Stop what?"
"Humming."
"Oh. Sorry. Can I go 'la la la'?"
"No."
"Alright." Legolas stared interestedly out the window. "What's that?" he said, pointing out the window at some graffiti."
"Graffiti."
"What does it mean?"
"Believe me, you really don't want to know."
Legolas shrugged and continued to peer out the window. A question popped into Milo's head, and he turned to Legolas. "How'd you get here?"
"I fell out of a tree while singing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'?"
"How do you know that song?"
"Frodo taught it to me. He seemed to like it very much."
"Indeed."
"Quite."
Milo continued to beat his hands on the steering wheel in time with the music. Another thought occurred to him. "We'll have to get you modern clothes. How does Old Navy sound?"
"Old."
"Well, we're going anyway."
"If you say so."
"I do."
Because of the author's lack of knowledge of exact locations of stores in downtown St. Louis, or even of their existence, Legolas and Milo headed for an Old Navy store a mile or so off the Jefferson Barracks bridge.
Legolas stepped fearfully out onto the asphalt. After all, it could be different here. It was a Saturday, and there were a fair amount of cars on the parking lot. People gawked at Legolas as he walked towards the store, his quiver, bow, and knives still strapped to his back.
Legolas stopped dead in the store. "What is this new devilry!" he demanded.
"How many times are you going to say that?"
"As many times as I see new devilry."
"Fair enough. Come on. We're going shopping."
From a rack in the women's section, Caiti looked up at who had just entered, jabbing her bestest best friend Audra in the arm excitedly. "Audra, Audra! Look!" she hissed. "It's Orlando Bloom! I swear to God!
Audra looked up at Legolas. "Poser."
Milo dragged Legolas reluctantly through the isles of the men's section, where guys stared at him and their girlfriends drooled over him and thought things that aren't appropriate for PG-rated stories.
Milo selected a black turtleneck hurriedly and thrust in into Legolas's chest. He pulled down a pair of khakis and thrust those into his arms as well. He pulled down a dark green hoodie and threw that at him, along with several other garments, including a pair of boxers with cute doggies on them.
Pushing Legolas into the cavernous dressing room and grabbing a number from the person behind the desk, Milo found Legolas an empty dressing stall. Legolas stumbled in, slightly confused.
"First of all, why are you in such a hurry, and second of all, what am I supposed to do in here?"
"A) I just realized how weird you look, and B) you're supposed to try on clothes."
"Oh." There was a great scuffling as Legolas pulled off his bow, quiver, and knives. "Hold these," he said to Milo, holding the weapons over the top of the door. When Legolas had successfully removed all his garments (yay!), he dangled the boxers over the top of the door and said, "What are these for?"
Milo sighed heavily. He was sure he was getting very strange looks from everyone by now. God only knew what they were thinking. "You wear those."
"Where?"
"On..."
"On where?"
"You wear them like pants."
"Oh. They don't look like pants. They're very short."
"Yes, I know, but you wear them like pants anyway."
"Oh. Alright." Legolas slipped into the cute doggie boxers (ow ow!). "Are these pants as well?" Legolas threw the khakis over the door for Milo to see.
"Yes..." he groaned, rubbing his temples. He didn't realize how hard it was to explain modern things to not-modern things.
Legolas cracked the door open. "What's this?" he asked, pointing at the zipper on the pants.
"It's a zipper, for Christ's sake!" Milo shouted. Legolas looked confused. "Sorry," he apologized. "I'm having a bad day."
Legolas still looked hurt. "Is it because of me?"
Milo sighed heavily again. Well, he could already here the rumors flying back at campus. "No, no, it's not you. It's me. Just...just go back to what you were doing."
Legolas shrugged and closed the door. He came back a second later. "What do you do with a zipper?"
"You pull it."
"Oh." Legolas thought on this, and decided he didn't understand. "Pull what?"
"The little piece of metal."
"Oh." Legolas went back and started his five minute battle with the zipper, which, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your standpoint), he won. For some reason, the song "I'm Too Sexy" was stuck in his head, and as he pulled the black, ribbed turtleneck over his chiseled, fine, toned, beautiful, sexy...uh...sorry...chest, the words, "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts," kept playing themselves over and over in his head. Eventually, while trying to work out the mysteries of the turtleneck, he started to hum this, and soon began to sing, softly at first, but it soon grew so loud that everyone could hear. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts."
"I wish you would get too sexy for that song. Then we wouldn't have to put up with it."
"What do you mean?"
"Stop singing."
"Fine." Legolas had finally managed to pull the turtleneck over his head, and his golden hair fell gently about his shoulders and face, gleaming...I'm sorry. I did it again, didn't I? I'll try to stop. Anyway, he stepped out of the dressing stall so Milo could see. He spread his arms out. "Well?"
"Your pants are pulled up too high." Milo yanked them down. "That's better."
"If you say so."
"Stay there. I'll get you a bag for your other clothes."
When Legolas and Milo went to check out, Legolas wearing his new turtleneck and khakis (looking very fine, I might add) , Caiti gawked at him again. "Audra, LOOK!"
"Yes, I know. Very sexy. But Billy Boyd is hotter."